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TnTechie,
I get your point on the relationship with your grand-nephew.
Yes, there are many other qualifying good relationships other than what I had mentioned.
The key is the relationship, and happy that you were supervising him.
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Most children who are victims of sexual assault are abused by family members and friends of the family.

The guy sounds like a weirdo and I would never let my child go with a virtual stranger regardless of the fact that he is a family member.

Just him demanding to be alone with the child sends up red flags to me.

The parents job is to protect their child and to helk with what this grown man wants.
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A 5/6 yr old is still just a baby, safety issues aside I wouldn't send any young child off with people who are essentially strangers for a day, especially on her birthday. IMO anyone who would ask to do something like this has a questionable grasp of the appropriate way to relate to children, and can't imagine anything positive coming from it.
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Correcting my post:
"If you want a relationship with the child, you have one with the parent too."
A quote from Golden.
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Dear all, thanks for the confirmation that this is a bit odd. Look, OUR side of the family is no treat; we are witty, elitist and opinionated.

The elephant in the room is that when this person (sil's dad) decided to marry for the second time when said gd was 3 months old, my daughter was told she could not come to the wedding unless she promised not to nurse at the wedding. Oy. I've nursed all my kids at weddings, funerals, Bar Mitzvahs, with no issue and no fuss. The bride had a son who was 11 at the time and she said "I don't want my son's first view of a breast to be one that is being suckled". Whaaaaa? Playboy, perhaps?

What, dear Lady, do you imagine they were invented for?

So, yes, that has left a sour taste in all of our mouths, but I send these folks pictures and chat about gdaughter and FaceTime and they send all the present packages to me because I have the doorman.

My concern is that dgd is a wanderer; she will attach herself to strangers in a playground and get into deep conversations with them about her family, what she's learning in school and the like. Sits in ANYONE'S lap.

Just concerned that this grandfather might not have the wherewithal to attend both to his ancient dad and this precious 5 year old. He is insisting on being insulted about the fact that anyone thinks a "chaperone" is needed.

The compromise I have offered the kids is that ex and I will arrange to be close by to the mall he intends to take her to and be available if he gets in over his head.

This is all month hence. The world could end before then, right?
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So my 7 year old grand-nephew shows up and starts emptying his pockets of 2 bags of chips, 2 honeybuns, 2 little debbie brownie packs, 2 a&w root beer minis and 2 7up minis... then he climbs on the bed, empties his box of toys and starts arranging everything for his enjoyment (including TV to youtube video of choice). I ask him if his mother knows he brought so many snacks with him and he kinda smiles... and I suddenly realize... I have become the clindistan getaway for sugar attacks!
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In favor of supervised visits, period.

My young son had to visit his Dad after the divorce.
But when the Grandma called to take him early on Christmas eve (was my time with him), saying that her mother, the great grandma may die any minute, may never see him, I said okay.

Photos received later of him on great-Grandma's lap looked like a scared little boy. 😞 Our family time together was cancelled by Grandma. The great grandma lived many many years after this. I was conned by grandma, who was very controlling (maybe a narcissist). Out of compassion and my love for grandma, I allowed my son to go. I would not do this today. Because it is difficult enough for any child to pack up and go for visitation-to a household different from his own.

Boundaries would guide that the visitation was for the father, he should have called, made the arrangements, and picked up my son. The grandma and great-grandma could have visited at the father's house. I am all for grandparent's rights and visitation, but knowing what I know today,
I would not allow a young child to visit under these circumstances, outside of court-appointed visitation with the father, and without parental supervision.

I agree with Golden, if you want a relationship with the parents, you have one with the parents.

Boundaries say "NO" to the visit, "NO" to the demands of the 100 y.o.

BTW, a supervised visit can be at a restaurant with the parent(s) there, you don't need to have them visit in your home. Visits do not have to be overnight or for very long.

On the day of her birthday? And mess with the family's birthday? No way.
As the familiar grandma, and your daughter and Son-in-law asked, I would say: The visit as suggested will happen over my dead body.

The daughter knows already this does not sound right, but is willing to bend over backwards to accommodate the visit. Under these circumstances Barb, you can speak up.

Trust is earned, not given. Trust is in a relationship, not by genes.
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barb - we had a different but similar in some ways situation of relatives wanting to take out a young child (my dgd - who didn't know them well), but wanted no association with the child's parents ever. The answer was no. If you want a relationship with the child you have one with the parents too.

This trip seems a bit strange in more ways than one - bringing his 100 yr old dad along, alone or nothing, hasn't seen the child for 3 years...

Brings up red flags to me. Is sil's dad is early stages of dementia or has he always been unreasonable?
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BB, his statement to cancel it be can not have the girl alone is enough for me to say FINE CANCEL the trip.

Kind of a strange request, if you ask me!
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Been dealing all day with some extended family drama. Son in law's dad who lives afar wants to come to NY with his 100 year old dad and take 5 yo granddaughter for the day of her 5th b-day. The last she saw these folks in person was before they moved far away when she was 2.

Daught and SIL suggested that we (me-- maternal gm and my ex, tag along since she knows us and we know her (some possible autistic traits, wanders, cuddles up to strangers...). He is incensed that anyone is suggesting that he needs a "chaperone". Geez, I thought we were offering to help.

Have offered up a compromise to daughter and SIL (to offer to the relative) but am declining to "have a convo" with this guy to convince him of anything. You guys are the parents. It's your call, not mine.

He says "if I can't have her alone, then I'm cancelling the trip". Is jealous we have time with her (hey, we didn't move away...)
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Ali,
Belated Happy Birthday wishes for your birthday month of February! 🎂
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Golden, yes, better to set a goal. I coulda, shoulda, woulda, started packing the house when I was let go back in December. But, you never know, wonder what will happen, and naturally, nothing happens magically unless I do it.

Am working on an offer on a home, it was taken off the market on Monday, the owner discouraged they had not received an offer. Looks to me like the house is overpriced by about 100K, yet they think it is worth what they have put on it. My agent talked to theirs today and they both agree, it is over priced. But, we all know how that goes.

What they are thinking of doing now is renting the house to daughter and SIL. I am sure you all know my thoughts on that! Never do that sort of business with family! Especially the dysfunctional types we tend to get around here. Do not take that personally, anyone, please!

So, I completed the pre-app today and we will see what happens.

I did start to pack one wardrobe box today, and the oven is nearly clean. I haven't needed to clean it in 3.5 years. Appliances do not get a lot of wear and tear when there is just one person to cook for. It is those darn Super Bowl chicken wings that make such a mess!
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Wow, glad. Things are moving along for you. Only one month till you start the new job. Staying in an apartment will be a change, but it is only temporary. So happy this is working out for you!!! Now to sell your house!

I am waiting on the condo seller for one more document which I have to sign by 9 pm tonight then, I will be the owner of the condo. I don't think it is likely anything will go wrong but you never know. I'll count my chickens when they are hatched. In any case, I am thinking of setting a date of May I for putting this house up for sale. Better to have a goal!

This is a big transition. It's not "Oh, whoopee" I have a condo. It's "Ok I am doing this because I can't manage a big house anymore and I need warmer weather and better resources because I am older." Mixed feelings for sure!
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Worked out start date of March 21. Finally received the results of my background check on the 18th. That took two weeks! The way of the world now, post covid. I have plenty to do, get house packed into the garage. Figure out what I will need because I will be in an airbnb for awhile until things settle down. It is an apartmemt, havent lived in one geez, in 45 years! All previous rentals have been homes. The stone keeps rolling.....
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I'm fairly well settled into the routine here in the NH. My dialysis tech is okay. I'm getting to know her a little bit. I know when to expect a shower. Wish I could do that myself, but not possible right now. The staff here is very helpful and friendly. My physical therapist is great. I get PT every day for an hour. It's tiring but I can see some results. My upper body strength is improving.

I listen to a lot of complaints from the older ladies on my hallway. Some routinely decline things - showers, shampoos, snacks, books, etc. then tell their families that they press call buttons and never get a response. I've haven't called for anything that I didn't get in 5 min.

I've had visitors daily - my son, DIL, and his kids. Kids can ride their bicycles once streets and paths are clear of snow. They bring me way too many treats. My best friend will arrive next week. I'm looking forward to her coming. I'll have someone to help me. She's very creative and can help me figure out how to decorate my AL suite, craft projects or whatever.
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Happy birthday Ali!
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Happy birthday, Ali!!
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dear ali :),

you mentioned the quote:
"What doesn't kill you makes you stronger."

here are some counter-quotes:
"What doesn't kill you...gives you a lot of unhealthy coping mechanisms and a really dark sense of humour."

"Dear whatever doesn't kill me, I'm strong enough now. Thanks."

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have a great bday celebration ali! :)
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happy birthday ali :) :) :)
may all your bday wishes come true!! :) :) :)
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Llama, I think I will focus how sp19690 describes it. Next time I dwell on or am the victim of another dose of stepmother poison, if I can think “butthead” rather than take it to heart, I might end up laughing instead of crying. To us Brits, it is such a funny word! Maybe Gershun can try this too, when those bad memories resurface?
Ali, Happy Birthday, enjoy it when you can, and if you are busy now, why not spread the celebration and kindness to yourself over the next week or so rather than let today pass you by in a rush…🎂
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Chris: You're very welcome. You must be one amazing person if you can get in some good reads when you are sleep deprived. Wrath = bitterness. Do not invest any more of your precious time in thinking on your stepmother. Hugs.💜🧡
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Happy Birthday Ali~
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Happy Birthday Ali. You're an inspiration when it comes to working and studying hard.
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Ali: Happy Birthday.🎂
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glad - we must be sharing it. Cold, cold and winds here too. I am so ready for the end of winter!
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Happy Birthday, Ali. You can always celebrate later when you have time. 🎂🎂🎂
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Happy Birthday Ali!!
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Happy birthday, Ali!

Golden you are sending that polar express down here again. Stop it! It is expected to last the rest of the week with slight warming on friday. And the winds!
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Chris, Glad, Gershun, and Golden. 💜 This site has been invaluable for many to feel heard and supported in dysfunctional family situations. I see ya. And I'm glad you're here on AC -- for yourselves, others, and me. Thank you. Many wouldn't continue with ongoing, chaotic caregiving situations. I hope you're proud of yourselves (if for nothing else than not murdering sibs/parents haha), even if you feel/felt you had no choice due to childhood or circumstances, even if it comes up in your mind and and still hurts in the present though the worst is over.

"What doesn't kill you makes you stronger." Nietzsche was full of it. He was miserable and took his own life. What doesn't kill you might still give you PTSD. Take care of yourselves.

...

I keep forgetting today's my bday... then I look at the date. lol I'm busy with school and preoccupied. I wish I could have done something to celebrate -- dinner with friends was scheduled -- but I'm behind in school so that has to get caught up. I had some chocolates a bestie sent me🙂
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sp19690, I am lucky. My son and his wife are willing to help me and her mother, but they wanted us both in the same place. It works out fairly good. She's in the Assisted Living wing where I'll be eventually.
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