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Checking in - Last night was the worst for DH so far. I made a mistake by setting up his phone contact list so he could see who is calling him, not thinking that it might make it easier for him to call out as well. He called his poor daughter at the height of his sundowning. She knows he has dementia and is now in a facility but has been sheltered from how it has affected him. Not any more! She freaked out and called me in tears. I got an aide in for him and was able to talk him off the cliff and through his bedtime routine by the time the duty nurse arrived. By then I was in tears as well. I realize I’ve been covering for him for a long time.

I know this is the facility staff’s job and not mine anymore. I’m also beginning to understand why some facilities (not this one) discourage family visits for the first couple weeks until they can ascertain the correct level of care needed although I don’t think I could have complied. I hope DH’s behavior last night made things clearer for them although I wish his daughter could have been eased into this a little more gently. I’m going in today to find out what the medication protocol should be and whose job is it to figure that out.

I feel so bad for him and for every single person who cares for him now. I know the staff are underpaid and overworked. I know his family has been under-informed - my fault entirely. I know I did the right thing for myself by placing him but I’m not sure I did the right thing for him, he is just such a mess.

Thanks for listening to me. You’ve been very generous with your support and advice at a time when so many of you are going through illness and tragedy and heartbreak of your own. I appreciate you all.
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I don't watch news on media anymore. Haven't for several years. Makes it kind of Hades living with a news junkie, but I DO love the guy.

Yesterday I watched a bit of the funeral and then I watched two hours of the fires.
I feel a bit sick at my soul today. I mean this. A kind of vague nausea I'll try to walk off.

My daughter when a very young woman living in the Haight and working for Bill Graham, lost everything in SF Haight St's infamous fire. Her first apartment with two roommates, one who is currently her long-time hubby. She saved only her cats in a pillowcase, having stayed with firefighters shrieking at her back 3rd floor door as she tried to get the second of the cats out from under her clawfoot tub.
Everything, even all her baby and childhood pictures in an album I had made for her--gone. Back in the day when you had one picture, and couldn't be replaced really; she still talks about the snap of her dressed as CatWoman at Halloween.
Always a jewelry hound she had all my mom's old best costume jewelry. EVERYTHING gone.
It happened the middle of the night and she didn't want to call me, across the city, and awakenen me. They stood by the Red Cross coffee in on hand and a sack of unhappy cats in the other watched everything go.

But they were young, resilient, and it was an apartment. They had saved the living. Still, many decades later she remembers what it was to see your life go up in flames.

I don't mean to compare it to what I saw yesterday, which is so devastating it simply doesn't, for me, yet compute.
To any Californians--I need to know the BEST Charity. I'll find it, but if you know, let ME know. I can help, but I need to know it doesn't get dumped in some general fund-- but ALL goes here. Say what you will of insurance and their agents? I wouldn't want to awaken to this. It looks like a bomb was dropped.
The Red Cross way back then was VERY good to the kids. They gave hotel vouchers (tho they stayed with me) and a bed, and bedding, clothing vouchers. And if I recall, a first month rent when they found their new place. But I sometimes hear not good things anymore about RC. Don't know what to believe because we never hear good things at all about ANYTHING anymore.

This a.m. a pretty good little shake. Brief but good. Everyone here shrugging and saying "Of course.....earthquake".
N. says we've had everything but the plague of locusts. So watch for them. Keep a big flyswatter handy.

Everyone dealing with illness please hang in there. I know you are busy "dealing". My thoughts out to you while you do.
If you don't see me a few days, just know I might take a break from more "bad news" for a day of so?

My love out to this community and its supportive ways.
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Peasuep,

Thanks!
And thanks for everyone who commented. I was so 'otherwise focused' that I forgot about my ice packs that have helped. I was freezing ice in a cup to put a coin on top as a test if a power outage melted food in our fridge. (The coin will sink if it melts.)
*****

When a family member was in AL, he did need more help, but only at times.

There were staff employed there who could also be paid privately to watch over him, like a part-time caregiver would. The cost was low on a monthly basis.

There exists also a specialty of sitters for the elderly who go to peoples' homes,
to hospitals, and AL, other facilities. I don't recall their title, but just sit in the room, observe, and report to qualified staff. No caregiver qualifications needed keeps the cost low. Not sure, but some sitters are volunteers.

Talk to the staff about easing his adjustment by having someone watch your dH overnight if that is what he needs. Staff does take the family's input into consideration, so no need to suffer your concerns silently. They can also reassure you.

The staff may need to reassess his care needs, and will know this-it is their job.

Take good care Peasuep.
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(((hugs))) Psue - the adjustment period is going to be hard on both of you, just remember wishing things were different doesn't make it so, you've made the right choice.
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Send, theoretically, lying down in snow would help constrict blood vessels, right? So swelling/inflammation would decrease and if you lay there long enough, you'd be completely numb... so no pain. :) I guess it could be a temporary relief to use an ice pack applied to a targeted trigger area, right?

I'm so sorry about the fires. I used to live in the Beach Cities in LA, and several friends in LA have been evacuated. It's scary. The high winds and dryness have caused so much devastation with these fires.

Psue, I'm so sorry. It's a tough thing to witness. I hope a neurologist or psychiatrist can help with symptoms. Behavioral approaches only go so far when the underlying cause is progressive neurological degeneration.
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((((((Psue))))))

This isn't their first rodeo, even if it is yours. Let them do their job and take some time to look after you. I'm sorry that dh is worse. This disease is dreadful. He may need some medication to calm him down. His routine has been upset by the move. Hopefully he will settle down some as he adjusts to his new situation.

One person (i.e. you) cannot do this job. Others share responsibility now. Give yourself a break. It must be very hard to hand over these duties after so many years of being the only one. Don't take on the future now. Just do one day, one hour at a time. Deep breaths, You can do it. Prayers for you and dh.

send - stay safe and that includes your emotional health. Fires are so destructive. Not sure that the snow would help. I wouldn't try it anyway.
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Glad to hear you are safe Send.

The news is so tragic. So much loss.

Take good care.
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Send, I don’t know what to say - so much tragedy. I’m glad you are safe.
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Checking in.
DH is SO much worse, especially during sundowning hours. I don’t think there is enough staff to help him in AL at nighttime. I don’t know what to do.
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Was just wondering, if I did have access to some SNOW, would lying down in the snow for 20 minutes help the pain of fibromyalgia and neuropathy? Has anyone tried it?

Lack of sleep can mess with our brains. It can cause sleep deprivation psychosis,
and physical pain, which can be cured by getting some worry-free sleep.

Last night, as the News reports piled on reports of devastation from fires, and worried neighbors added speculation about the fire coming closer. I took a drive. About 9 p.m. no one was out. Drove 7 miles towards the fires, taking the freeway, and looking at the valley from high up. Nothing, no fires, no smoke visible and no smell of smoke. Stopped short of the I-5 where last report of fire had spread. It would have been over that hill. The wind had calmed temporarily for the night. Turned around and came home.

This taking charge of what's going around in my head helped me sleep straight through until 9:00 a.m. A first in years, even before the fires.

We are safe.
Limiting online and News reports.
Viewing the tragic loss and devastation of homes only once can bring a person to deep grief and tears.
Turn it off, say some prayers.
Get on with a beautiful sunny day without guilt, knowing that one cannot help
others at all right now, so taking care of business at home is it.
That is all I can do right now. Me and my dH worked hard on paperwork all day.
He was able to help, and so was I.

We both are off-duty now, fixing dinner, and I will need everyone's prayers for this.
If dH turns the fire down on the boiling water for Pasta, he might be risking his own life, or maybe we won't eat at all.

Peace out.
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I took a pic for Alva last Feb 21st (her surgery day, my bday) and forgot all about the pic until I came across it just now. I added it to my profile temporarily -- A "cheers" pic for Alva and what she's overcome, and also to all the AC friends around here.
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We are having another snow day 😩❄️, I wish I could send it all your way Send.
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Winds and fires in my area.
We are safe so far in So. California.
There are no evacuation orders in my zone.

Thank you to those who have expressed concern.
As a preventative safety measure, we are packing emergency supplies and water in our car.

Stay safe everyone! I have noticed major fires in other states, in other countries.
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((((((((Psue)))))) Prayers for you and all that you have asked for. May everyone fall in line and do their best. May peace descend upon you like spring rain on the meadows, gentle and refreshing. May God give you grace. 💛💛💛
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Today is the day. I must remain calm and upbeat. I must be courageous. I must not let other’s expectations or words upset me. I must trust the staff. I must trust my decision. I must remember what I’ve learned here. I must not vomit in public.
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BOJ: Appreciate you checking in! Happy New Year.
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Another hug ((((((((psue)))))). Sorry about your sister. 'Tis the season...The time is approaching fast now. Hope she is better. I agree hub needs the tv cable installed and working. I'm glad he can look out on a busy street and count cars of he wants to. Glad also you will have good support from family for the first while
. And i am sure that will co ntinue in some form. This is a heart wrenching time for you. Prayers for all to go smoothly.

nacy - so good to hear that your hub is doing much better and you both are on track for your cruise. Whoopee!!!! Hoping it's going to be great. Sorry about your newly sober friend. She needs support but you need peace. it's a hard call sometimes. I know I have to more carefully evaluate what I can get involved in. Seasonal cognitive decline is a new one to me. Can't say I have noticed it in anyone, but it makes sense.

BOJ - Happy New Year to you too. Hope all is decent on your caregiving front.

Sunshine here today which is very nice. It's been cold, and windy, and grey for a few days.
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Happy New Year, Bundle. So good to hear from you.
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Happy New Year BOJ!
May it bring you reciprocated affections.
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still taking a break from the forum, butttt i want to say:

happy new year 2025!!!!
🙂🙂🙂🍀🍀🍀
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Peasuep: You're welcome.💙
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Thank you all for keeping me in your thoughts. Nacy, as always, you have the sweetest of sweet hearts. When do you ship out? Golden, you give me courage and hope. Eva, are you ok?
Move in day is delayed at least one day because most helpful sister has a bad cold like so many of you. She has offered to help ease the first goodbye. Also, the facility can’t get the cable hooked up by tomorrow and there is no way I’m leaving DH anywhere without his favorite distraction!
There are so many cooties floating around and none of you need to be sick on top of all the other things you’re dealing with. I know - too late! But at least be gentle with yourselves and rest. Lord knows, you all deserve it.
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Thank you for thinking of me, Llama. I’ll take all the hugs I can get.
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Peasuep: Hugs to you during this hard time.💛
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(((((Psue)))) The big day is nearly here. Please give yourself a break. Nobody can do perfect. I am sure it is just fine. I remember R and I setting mother's room up before one of her many moves. She was such a critical person that I doubted it would please her, but when she came in she was fine with it. I tried to capture the "look/feel" of her previous place, as it was too small for much of her stuff. I expect your hub will appreciate your efforts. You can't replicate home. One's best is all anyone can do. It is awkward. A transition like this is stressful. You may feel there are many loose ends hanging around still, but they will work out in time. Give yourself a pat on the back for a job well done, and plan a little something special for you to help you get through this.
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Thanks Nacy; Golden. Looks like move in day is Monday. In an ideal world his rooms would be completely set up exactly like home and everything would be perfect but that is not going to happen. I’ve done the best I can, I really have. But so much of his stuff can’t go until he does. This all feels so awkward - I feel like a klutz. If there is an elegant way to do this it has totally escaped me.
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nacy - hope hub is managing to quit.

LynnB - sorry for your troubles. I'm glad your dad woke up even briefly. These losses are especially hard during special days like holidays. Be sure to take care of yourself. Sounds like you need some "me" time.

Way - Glad you are detaching from mil craziness. One day, likely, it will be serious. In the condo we see senior seniors driving huge SUVs. Many of them look very frail. SUVs seem to be the vehicle of choice. Some aren't very mobile when they get out. Makes me wonder. But I do know in Alberta over 80 we all have to be tested and pronounced fit to get our drivers licences renewed. Maybe there's hope for me to drive another few years. Not sure I want to. R is very good at chauffeuring. Hope your dd is doing ok.

Psue - thinking of you. I know these are very difficult days for you and your family and you need some time to make adjustments. Thinking of you. (((((((hugs)))))
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Anxietynacy,

Stubborn . No point in driving myself crazy over her . We have no power . The longer this goes on , the less I worry about it or care .
The woman has a lot of unbelievable good luck despite so many falls . She said her friend is driving her to PT which she recently started for her slightly fractured shoulder from a fall about 6 weeks ago . She has been in a sling . The friend who drives her can barely walk too . 🙄🙄🙄
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From my brief pop ins here ……Seems to be a lot of new posts about very stubborn elders with dementia digging their heels in at home .

Take care of yourselves. Sometimes you just have to back off and wait for an event to force a change .
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Worst Christmas ever! My 84 yo mom has bronchitis, my son is in the navy (thankfully he was home the week prior to Christmas but we didn’t see him as much as I had expected during his visit) and my brother who used to live right around the corner from my parents moved to iowa so he could afford to help his son with college. So this Christmas was just me and my husband (who, btw, has been driving me absolutely bananas ever since this new phase with my dad started a little over a month ago. He is really just being himself::: a loud talker who works a number of hours from home when not on the road and is always in comedian mode—maybe more-so when he doesn’t know how to deal with my emotions. His humor is what I fell in love with 6 years ago but… it has its place and for some reason I am just annoyed by it lately!). We visited my dad in the nursing home on Christmas Day. no one could wake him all day (we arrived at noon), which meant he hadn’t eaten. Apparently he was awake most of Christmas Eve and they told us he even said Merry Christmas that day even tho he is mostly unable to speak anymore. After a couple hours of “visiting” and trying to wake him, we decided to give up. I gave him a huge long hug (likely the biggest hug I have given him in my adult life) and that’s what woke him! He didn’t want to eat more than tthe dessert that came with the lunch (the lunch itself made him grimace:: puréed green beans, chicken and dressing 🤢) . When I was in the bathroom, i had my husband tell him that I will be OK whenever he chooses to go. He dozed off after about 30 min of awake time (he was mostly in a daze) and that was that. In total, We were there for almost 3 hours. I was sad and drained the rest of the day and had a difficult time falling asleep due to the experience. My dad is 90 (91 in March if he makes it) and after his last stroke a month+ ago that forced my mom to finally put him in a nursing home, he is unable do anything himself. So difficult to witness this deterioration esp around the holidays . First Christmas ever in my life without a family gathering. But grateful my dad woke up and he got to see that we were there on this special holiday. I hope he remembers . Also glad my son & I had a decent visit with him the week prior 💕 Likely the last Christmas we will have with him. 💔
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