Countrymouse Posted November 2018
On My Mind
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Replacing the much lamented 'On My Mind' profile option, this thread is for musings, jottings, whimsies, preoccupations and the rest of the thesaurus for anyone to jot down anything they please.
I can't remember what the maximum character count was before, can anyone else? But anyway it wasn't very many so let's keep to that.
Glad you got your glasses!
He also reports that a coworker showed up for work and hung around for about an hour only to to tell everyone he has covid and shouldn't be there. What the heck is wrong with people.
My reach-for desideratum in these circumstances is "anger begets anger, but a soft answer turneth away wrath." I have used the strategy successfully in situations both when (I admit it) I was manifestly in the wrong and with not a leg to stand on (except there are no parking rights during school run hours in North London, bite me) and when I was genuinely at a loss to know what on earth the person was screeching about. Treat this lady as though she is a normal person and not a complete nut job and with any luck it at least won't escalate.
To me, it was a good thing that you lost your temper and screamed back at her. She now learns she can't bully you. Perhaps, you even gain some respect. So, do not lose your ground.
She does not deserve your niceness, she deserves your indifference and disregard.
I guess what I'm saying is you just can't win with some people. So Ali, my advice would be follow your gut instinct at each moment. Don't plan to be one way when you encounter this person. Just let the moment guide you.
Yes, guilty as charged, I definitely tend to be on the pleaser side. Liking me would have been nice but after the first 6 months or so, I wasn't expecting it.
I didn't really care if she liked me, only wished she acted more pleasant so every time I run into her wouldn't be drama. Am I supposed to pretend I don't see her? Our lobby's only slightly bigger than an elevator. I guess I just stand to the front and don't talk, just like in an elevator. lol It's a rhetorical question and I'm just describing the situation better.
The attack rant was definitely directed at me. I thought I would pretend to be naive if I brought it up... which is fake on my part. We're the only two households that share that front door. It's a 6 flat style building, common in Chicago. The "people pleaser" part is spot on, though.
—you want to keep peace
—you don’t want her to be mad at you
—prior to this incident, you wanted her to like you
—you are taking this very personal as if her anger was purposely directed at you. It could have been your neighbor whom she screamed at, but it happened that you were there at that very time.
—now you want to ‘kiss and make up’
Why?
If she doesn’t like you, so what?
Why do you need to have her not mad at you?
I’m going to be rude here and ask
Are you a people pleaser?
Weak people revenge. Strong people forgive. Intelligent People Ignore. - Albert Einstein
I like to think of myself as the latter two. I would forgive in my heart but not verbally, as I think any exchange with her opens you up to more abuse. Then I would ignore - grey rock!
I used to think like you are, but understanding "don't cast your pearls before swine" led me to a different response.
"If you say that someone is casting pearls before swine, you mean that they are wasting their time by offering something that is helpful or valuable to someone who does not appreciate or understand it".
https://www.collinsdictionary.com/dictionary/english/to-cast-pearls-before-swine#:~:text=If%20you%20say%20that%20someone,not%20appreciate%20or%20understand%20it.
I think that applies to your situation. ((((((hugs)))))) You are a good tenant and neighbour.
In that case, even saying 'hello' can instigate neighbor's wrath.
Actually, no matter what you do or don't do can be a problem for this neighbor.
Barb was right when she said: "stop trying to kill her with kindness and just ignore her".
Send, I didn't do anything wrong except let her drag me into her misplaced nastiness. You know what's funny to me? Neighbor lady was very friendly with the addict. The roommate talked to neighbor and blamed me for issues and the neighbor lady was sympathetic... even though I'm the one who's lived here for years and you would think she would know me better than that. Go figure.
Still not sure what you did wrong-take her parking place?
Avoid crazy people who come at you and scream. Ignore, go inside and shut the door in the future.
Recall, your addict room mate was probably tolerated by nearby neighbors, and she, (room mate) could have lied about you to neighbors while she was 'hanging out' not able to use her keys to get back inside, many times. Do I have that correct? It was not your fault back then, but neighbors might still be offended.
Say as little as possible, but a simple "sorry" for the other day is enough. imo.
Then, keep avoiding her. You cannot get along with crazy neighbors. There are some times when the situation can improve however. That is when they have a dementia or alzheimers and forget it was you they were mad at. Then they greet you friendly again, years later.
Just one other thing...thinking it may not be a good idea to seek counseling from someone who is a landlord and a therapist? I am not trying to control your life-maybe the landlord who has been good to you in the past, and you have a connection. Others will know better about the professional requirements of a therapist and client. Just be aware. imo.
It is one of the most unsettling and uncomfortable things to have a hostile neighbor.
I told my grand daughter this:
As far as it concerns you, be at peace with all men. (or women).
But do not cower at abuse-screaming back was ok!
Another idea...in my neighborhood, disagreements were quickly stopped when someone took out their cell phone and started recording. Yes, that actually happened.
The work you do in a therapeutic setting is not like being provoked in real life. No worries.
I texted my landlord, just to document, and said that I did NOT appreciate being screamed at but that I get it that it's interpersonal. She called me and we talked for a minute and she kept saying, "Some people don't have good coping skills" etc. My landlord is a clinical psychologist which I thought she was, but Google confirmed it just tonight. We talked about downstairs lady and I think landlord is right in everything she said but I told her that I don't think it's ok, no matter what, especially when I've been nothing but nice for four years!
I've been trying to kill-with-kindness for years but it clearly didn't work. If I'm going to work in any kind of mental health field, I need to react better. But man... this caught me on the back foot. I don't expect problems going forward, just really, really, really find it crazy that something like this happened. Just so unfortunate and I guess I'll stop being nice and ignore her now. Not sure what else I even could do. I'll try to chalk it up to covid making everyone nuts.
Anyway, there was one person in the store, obviously sick, maybe I wrote about this before? Anyway I told her she should not be there because of the sickness. The reply was that they are short staffed and she didn't have a choice. Timeliness of the survey I received from Verizon about my visit. Nothing wrong with the service, but I did let them have it over the sick employee in the store.
So, why the discussion about coffee this morning? One of the people there was having to go to the next nearest town with a store for help as the one in town is shut down because of two employees with COVID. That store has only three employees. There could be a store manager that is unreasonable, or the company owning the store is unreasonable and not concerned about the safety of the employees or the customers.
hugs!!
just wishing us courage!!
and as Sendhelp wrote, in the website's joke section:
Lift your left leg.
Doing that will assure that you start the New Year off on the right foot.
:) :) bundle of joy