Countrymouse Posted November 2018
On My Mind
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Replacing the much lamented 'On My Mind' profile option, this thread is for musings, jottings, whimsies, preoccupations and the rest of the thesaurus for anyone to jot down anything they please.
I can't remember what the maximum character count was before, can anyone else? But anyway it wasn't very many so let's keep to that.
Anyway the old gentleman that owns the house was in the home while we looked . He sat in his recliner with his walker in front of him watching TV . He asked where we were from ( our NY accent still gives us away 20 years after moving to PA). We got to talking and the gentleman was so lonely , he was telling me his situation . His wife is in assisted living and he’s selling the house because he has run out of money . He thinks he’s going to live with one of his children but not sure . ( whatever that means ) . He seemed a bit off to me . You could tell he was a very good looking man when he was young , he is still handsome now with his think white hair . He showed me a picture of him and his wife in what looked like the 1960’s . They were hippies. His wife was beautiful and he was indeed handsome . Anyway, that’s been on my mind .
My mom did read to us. When I got old enough to ride my bicycle out of my neighborhood, I rode my bicycle for miles and miles to go to the library. We only had one car. My dad drove it to work. So, I walked, rode my bike, took the bus or street car to get everywhere.
I didn’t understand why my mother favored the boys when I was younger, but I loved not being babied as I grew older because I learned how to be independent.
My mom was glad that I went to college. She was a straight A student and a perfectionist at everything she did. There were times where I felt like she didn’t notice me or encourage me like she did with my brothers. My dad filled in the gaps.
Yup, “the girls “ were not encouraged to go to college by my mother . For some reason it threatened her . She said that’s for boys . Fortunately Dad encouraged school . But of course to the outside world my mother took credit for the fact that we went to college .
My mother never read to us . She hated books and papers , said they were unsightly , messy .
My wonderful MIL wasn’t that way though. She wasn’t sexist at all. I thanked her for raising a son who became a fabulous husband. She had a wicked sense of humor. She said that she had to “deprogram” her husband because his mom waited on him hand and foot!
My MIL was a wonderful woman. I was very fortunate to have her in my life. She was an only child and neither her mother nor her mother in law were kind to her. She broke the cycle and was a great mom and mother in law.
I don’t know . It was stunning to see how my mother could turn on a dime to embrace one kid at any given time if she thought that kid would do what she wanted , and simultaneously shun her most recent favorite as if that child was always the problem .
On the whole though , Mom clearly favored my brother . The oldest and only boy. My DH calls him the Prince . It fits him . He’s rude at times , always aloof , he talks down to all his sisters as if we are still little stupid girls . He still will collectively call us “ the girls “. No doubt he learned his view of us ( and women in general ) from watching how my mother treated us .
I would like to know why some moms tend to pick the screw up kid as their favorite! My mom had a very soft spot for my oldest brother who had his issues throughout his lifetime.
I know a woman who raves about her son who is definitely the ‘black sheep’ of the family. She treats the rest of her kids like crap. Her excuse is that “Jesus goes after the lost sheep.”
I told her, ‘Yes, Jesus does go after the lost sheep, but He doesn’t forget about the rest of his flock.’
My mom would play all of us against each other at times too. It’s a horrible thing to do. In general, she favored her sons.
I find it interesting that some women are extremely jealous of their daughters. Or the mothers who live vicariously through their children, they are very annoying!
I kept my distance from the ‘stage’ moms. There were a few of those in my daughter’s theatre group. They drove me nuts!
I totally understand . That’s how it was in my family . Mom grooming her “ ally of the month “. Pitting varying combinations of 5 kids against one another , then Mom would cry that we “ are a rotten family “ because we weren’t close , and would ask, “ Why did I bother having kids?”
We were all relieved when she died . Like I said there is very limited phone contact . We have all gone separate ways.
@Golden,
One of my sisters is very similar to my mother , always has an agenda . This one I have been no contact for years. Ironically my mother and sister did not recognize how similar they were . They were both manipulative liars , both claimed to be the victim and complained they were treated badly when they didn’t get things their way and always blamed others for their behavior . My sister is always trying to get an ally while complaining and lying about the others , about how she was somehow slighted . Complaining she is a victim and Stirring the pot is her favorite pass time . It makes everyone stay away from her , which gives her even more reason to claim she is a victim “ ousted by the family “. She blames me , says I orchestrated getting her kicked out when in fact I am the one who removed myself from the family first . The others just followed my example and went seperate ways .
@Need,
I’m over it. Are there times I wish I had a better relationship with some of my siblings , yes. But I have accepted as do I think they have , that it just is not possible. We all have demons we fight , and we just can’t make it all fit in one room.
My mother is an abusive bully and my sisters and I spent our childhoods avoiding being in her crosshairs when she was angry (and that was pretty often) and we threw each other under the bus to avoid being abused.
Also, my mother always wanted an ally. One of us was the good daughter for a few days and she pitted her daughters against each other. As a result, my twin sisters to not talk to each other and I communicate with the other two only regarding our parents' care.
I think that is how she exerted her control in the family. My sisters and I never had a sibling bond.
After they are gone, I anticipate we will just go our separate ways and that's that.
It is very sad.
need - It is sad when parents stir the pot between sibs. Mother needed allies and groomed my sis to be her ally which set sis against me, Then as adults I finally realized that sis had her own agenda. I like the saying that what other people think of you is non of your business. Works for me.
That’s okay, because family doesn’t always have to be only people that are biologically related to you. We can have friends who are like family.
It is sad when parents stir the pot between siblings. Some siblings are able to overcome this and others can’t.
Sometimes, there is just too much water under the bridge and relationships can’t be repaired. That’s when I feel that the kindest thing that people can do for themselves and others is to just let it be.
I’ve been expected to please others the way my mother groomed me . I’m not allowed to say “ No “.
This is why I have very limited contact with family . My mother created the “ non family “ that we are .
I am completely done with trying to convince others of anything. I really don’t care what they think. I’m not going to waste my time and energy on their ignorance.
I see people living in misery because all of their happiness is based on what others think of them. How sad is that?
It’s liberating to learn to value yourself and brush off negative criticism made by people who truly don’t deserve to rob you of your joy in life.
It really made a huge difference to me when I heard my therapist say to me, “Don’t let anyone steal your joy.”
Oh so true, ‘change’ is the one constant that we have in life. Nothing stays the same and we have to adapt.
Hopefully, we learn to adapt in a way that is healthy, rather than remaining stuck in a loop.
Life can be hard sometimes. It’s confusing at times too and it can take some people a while to sort through their emotions.
Some will wait until they hit their threshold of pain before they decide to live their lives as they wish to live.
That is so true . Family often see you only as the version in their brain , no matter if you try to correct their thoughts .
need - I totally agree with building new traditions. Life changes and so must we.
way - good for you and your hub. I refused to host out of town family too.
My one sister in law finally texted me once asking if I was mad at them . I told her the truth ….that it was my husband who told me , “ we are off duty while your siblings come , it’s a day off for us from your parents “ My sister in law said
“ Ahh, smart man “.
I don’t think that you are alone in your thoughts on holiday gatherings. Lots of people feel pressure during the holidays.
Honestly, one of my favorite Thanksgiving celebrations was when just our immediate family, DH. my daughters and I went out of town to the beach. It was great!
Consider starting new traditions for the holidays instead of feeling obligated to participate in family functions.
Sending hugs and valentine 💌 love your way today!
Barb, I so relate to your comments about being put into roles our family feel comfortable with. This is why I don't like family get togethers.
Caring for my mom helped me grow a backbone. This Christmas I sensed hostility from everyone. Maybe they miss the old me. I used to be the clown always trying to make everyone laugh. I think that was me just trying to fit in and be accepted. I still joke around but not like I used to.
I remember once my B I L said "we like you better the other way" Ah well. If he really liked me he'd like all sides of me wouldn't he? I don't know.
Vent wherever you like. Remember how Captain would crash threads? 😁
Hope things improve for you soon.
I like to think of that as being "put in our place"--the place our family is comfortable with us being.
Remember the scene in Dirty Dancing where "Baby's" parents and sister have yet again sandwiched her into the corner, hemmed in and unfree? And her dance partner arrives and says "Nobody puts Baby in the corner"?
It takes a great deal of imagination and gumption to break out of our assigned role. And check out our feelings when someone tries to shove us back into that role.
The fact that dad needs 24/7 care means he needs a facility. Does your mom not "get" that?
It does seem that the dysfun thread has disappeared. We can always start a new one if doesn't come back.
gershun - glad to see you posting. Your childhood experiences are still very hard on you. I pray for healing for you. Getting through the childhood pain isn't easy! (((((hugs))))) for you too.
I'm textbook C-PTSD neurologically dysregulated after a 40-minute conversation with my mom, where she told me she's moving my dad in with her after the hospital doc said he needed 24/7 care a week ago... and she partially blamed me, somehow, for issues in general because I'm not more present in her life. She wasn't giving me a guilt trip; she was saying things she always says about wishing we were closer, even while her behavior says she does exactly what she wants, and she knows she can call or visit me anytime.
I've removed many paragraphs of expounding on the vent that I just typed here because I got what I needed, which was to work through my feelings for a few minutes. 💜
I sure hope the dys thread comes back!
Send hugs!! 😆😱💜💜💜
*I'm in the middle of a weeks-long final school project... like, I'm frazzled anyway, but then this convo sent me. I'll be fine, but I'll take hugs and prayers, too!
Have fun !! Beats shoveling snow like I did today .
Wish you were here too!
Hail Rex! Our Rex King is an LSU Alumni. Our Queen is a Bama girl! Oh my gosh! Bama is our arch enemy! Oh well…We will love her for today as our ‘queen’ of carnival.
My favorite part of the parades are the marching bands. New Orleans is filled with fabulous musicians! I do love the artistry of the floats too.
Come for our Jazz and Heritage Festival. That’s my all time favorite! Fantastic lineup this year. Just got an email stating what musicians are playing. Going to be a wonderful time!
Will catch tons on throws and eat a piece of King Cake for y’all.
Consequently, I do use that word for anyone who crosses a boundary intentionally to coerce me to do what THEY want .
Why? Because.. sigh.. the little kid inside me remembers the shameful feelings attached to it.
The word was an effective tool used to shape our behaviour.
Probably to stop us being whiny greedy brats wanting the largest slice of cake 😆 or serving ourself first. Oh the judgement that could land on Mother for having such selfish children!
As an adult, when this word gets used I have tried to stop & reflect why. Was it selfish?
It IS subjective. As already said, one person's view is selfish - the other view may be *self-care*.
What I have found is people can weaponise the word selfish - hurl it at someone in anger to control them.
Eg When a relative volunteered for care duties then attempted to roster others ("It's only fair - I'VE done all this so YOU all need to...") I saw the word as a weapon.
The words were: You are selfish for not helping me.
The meaning was: You are selfish for not doing what I want.
Who actually was being selfish?
I think I'll use *self-absorbed* too.
Makes me think of a bloated fish 😁