The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

My juice is based on the documentary Fat, Sick, and Nearly Dead. Kale, celery, ginger, and cucumber make up the base recipe I've carried over from back when.

I've been adding lemon, but I don't really need it because I splash lemon juice in all my water, so I'll leave it out from now on to keep the flavor less sour.

I left out the apples (from the documentary recipe) to lower the sugar and swapped in 2 small carrots.

I started adding fennel bulb for the first time. I love the flavor. And I added some parsley.

I live near a really great produce market and they have so many options I could try. I'm committing to a few days of juicing, but I hope I keep going. I remember how clear my skin and eyes were back then when I was juicing. It definitely does something wonderful for the body.

The centrifugal and masticating juicers (you really do need both!) are the same ones I bought around 2013-14. Brings back a lot of memories. They've been sitting out of sight for years.

Hello, all. :)

Gershun, sorry about your MIL. I suppose you have to let hubs process the loss however he's going to. Maybe he's numb right now, but later he will have some signs of grief.

Golden, sorry about the gut issues. I went through a time when I couldn't have any coffee, but it wasn't GI issues; it just made me feel horrible.

I had my 4th session with the sensory therapist on Tuesday; I sat in my car after I left, and something felt wrong—I felt like I'd spent that session (and others with her) telling her how I feel, and she was telling me that I feel something else. This was way too soon to experience this disconnect with therapists/psychs AGAIN, so soon after leaving the clinic with the long history of psychs saying I feel something else... so I terminated the therapy. It's just not the right fit for me right now, though I very much appreciate the past 4 weeks. It's hard to explain, but I'm grateful I had those 4 weeks with her, and now I realize this is not the direction I want to head in right now. And if I do actually feel something other than what I'm telling them, they need a good argument to back that up, not just saying so!! 😂 I'm done with hearing this from med pros, forever.

I recently got bloodwork results that pointed me to a few things I can work on. My blood sugar is high, and it's been that way for a decade. I'm only in the prediabetic range, though, and can't get a continuous glucose monitor prescribed, so I bought one out of pocket. I have a feeling I'm going to learn a lot from looking into the connection between my mental health flare-ups and my sugar levels. We shall see. (Send, thanks so much for your comment about sugar levels and anxiety; I remembered it when I saw my recent labs and decided I had to investigate the correlation. 😊)

I started drinking green juice again yesterday. I don't know if anyone remembers, but back when I was very sick from the mold, I started green juicing, and it sure seemed to help me get back on my feet, if only because it felt like I could do something instead of just suffering. I'd like to do a week or two of just juice, but Idk if I can. I have a feeling I could use a solid "reset" of my GI. I'm nauseous, with headaches, way too often.

I looked at the "healthy" foods in my regular diet rotation. The protein muffins I love for breakfast have 20 g of sugar. What's crazy to me is I hate sweets; they make me feel gross. And so do the muffins, but I wasn't paying attention; I didn't make the connection. hmph. That's ok; I'll learn to eat better.

I'm keeping a sleep diary for the sleep therapist, a sensory diary for this class project I'm doing (long story)... I'm paying attention to how I feel, getting the data down. This can only be helpful.

Golden, if I can trust AI, it's telling me that what I have overlaps with Tourette's. I have some symptoms that feel very similar to what a man with Tourette's described he feels (in Oliver Sacks' book An Anthropologist on Mars). I could finish the man's sentences, and I knew exactly what he was talking about. It's interesting.

Onward and upward. It's never too late to get a little or a lot healthier. One of my roommates (I have 2) *just* started jogging again and was telling me how much it hurts, and she hates it. lol. But I'm hoping her initiative rubs off on me because I need to add some exercise back into my life, but right now it feels impossible because my new job schedule changes daily, and there's always an insomnia crisis and and and. I'll get there.

Ali. I appreciate your posts. Glad youhave a new and good PCP who agrees with a neurological evaluation.I think it was very short sighted foryour psych to attribute everything to people conflict. You mentioned wincing before diving I think it was. Almost like Tourette’s. I had a friend with a mild tic.

On the CBD oil and VNS I am sleeping a lot. I think in response to lowered stress. My heart rate has come down to what it should be. Results on one app show my heart age as in the 20s. Illl take it!

Sorry about the double post below. The site was acting up and told me to repost

Gershun its not selfish to look after your self. Hubs can grieve as he likes, but not take it out on you. I perfectly understand not going to the funeral. I missed a few from the same reason.

lucky lu. it’s stress, certain foods and now black coffee!!! I don’t like going without my coffee.

Gershun, Sorry for your loss. I hope your husband finds some peace as he navigates his grief.

Thank you Golden, and yes it will and is coming back on me already.

It would be so much easier comforting a openly grieving man than feeling his stony silence or anger. Sorry to sound selfish but it wears on me. Unlike him I am an empath and therefore feel it all.

The funeral is on Wednesday. I will not attend. I can't take the histrionics that will happen without a doubt. I gave my condolences to his one normal sister. The other................it's a long story, best left for another time.

Gershun. Thanks for the update. I’m sorry for the family, it’s always hard to lose a loved one . It’s good she was able to die at home peacefully surrounded by her family.
I think hub’s non-reaction is fairly common for men. Does he have any physical outlets?
I know all of this will come back on you in some ways so please take care of you and don’t be a stranger. Hugs.

Gershun. Thanks for the update. I’m sorry for the family, it’s always hard to lose a loved one . It’s good she was able to die at home peacefully surrounded by her family.
I think hub’s non-reaction is fairly common for men. Does he have any physical outlets?
I know all of this will come back on you in some ways so please take care of you and don’t be a stranger. Hugs.

Just an update.

DH's mom passed on Sept 4th. She passed peacefully at home with her
family around her. Hub's is taking it with his usual non reaction. I would he
rather cry or something but............Anyways.

Thank-you all for your great advice.

Anxiety makes my gerd worse,so I'd say your'e onto something,Golden~
I'm sorry you have gut issues.I know it's uncomfortable.

Been sorting some gut issues. I’ll be back for more anxiety and the dysfunctional family soon. The gut issues are probably related 😜

I love this lady's short reels... always kind, motivating, comforting, and simple wisdom. https://www.facebook.com/reel/2104718380420943

I saw my PCP this morning. He's not my usual PCP; my PCP of the last couple of years left the practice a few months ago. I met the new PCP for the first time a month ago because, to my surprise, he wanted me to come in for an appointment just to get refills of medications. (Previous PCP would just send the refills for me.)

In that first appt, I explained the general story of the issues I'm having and why I was prescribed these medications to begin with (he was surprised the prior PCP rx'd them for me, since they are controlled substances and not typical for a PCP to rx). We agreed I need neuropsych care; he didn't understand why my psychiatry clinic wasn't giving me this referral.

That's part of what prompted me to compose a 4-page document of all my symptoms, mismedication/misdiagnosis history, treatment resistance issues, and family history, in clinical terms, and give it to my psych. I'd been saying for years I need this referral/evaluation, and I thought I simply hadn't explained it sufficiently to my psych. Surely she'd be supportive and help me, right?

After she read it, she tried to convince me that what I'm experiencing isn't neurological because I "have conflict" with people. She took a single incident I'd told her about and extrapolated the basis of my entire treatment profile. I knew right then I was never coming back.

That's another part of the backstory on how this came about, and why I put my foot down in getting rid of the old psych and finding better treatment.

And then, unexpectedly, the new PCP submitted a referral for a neuropsychological evaluation today! It won't happen quickly (waitlists are long), but the referral means there's a chance I can get one without paying several thousand dollars. I imagine it will still be a high out-of-pocket cost, though.

No matter what happens as a result of these new appointments and treatment approaches, it will be superior to what I've been dealing with over many decades, with so many docs that didn't have the background or practice area to accurately assess and treat, even before the caregiving years and the mold exposure. Having a specialist take it all into account to get the full picture will be priceless. :)

Went to the sleep doc appointment this morning; came away with reassurance that what I experience is a very common issue (which is comforting). Recommendation: at-home EEG monitoring for one night to check for apnea, and to see an insomnia therapist because working with one is proven to be very effective. And again, I'm amazed that such a specialty exists -- cool! I'm looking forward to learning more.

Just finished my 3rd appointment with the sensory integration therapist. I think this therapy will be very helpful eventually. So far, we've spent the time talking about the issues, clarifying them, naming them, which isn't helpful and mostly makes me feel bad and stuck. But "name it to tame it" is a helpful emotional regulation strategy imo, so let's get all the stuff named. And there are probably only a few underlying issues influencing the bulk of my problems that are limiting my quality of life..? I think so.

This all feels really good. And also, it seems I'm leveling off after the past few weeks of hypersensory discomfort and increased agitation/anger/irritability I experienced after reducing my anticonvulsant med. That was such a good decision; I feel more positive, less numb, and more like myself than I have in a long time. It's easier to talk to people, and I don't dread it as much as I had been.

Gershun, your comment about avoiding contact with dysfunctional family made me think. I can't put it into words, but I know what you mean, and I think it's so wise that you don't engage in these optional contacts with dysfunctional family/people who make you feel terrible. Life is stressful enough; why torture yourself if you don't have to... yeah.

Golden, I think that all the things you mentioned are a valuable insight into ways to conquer and win over anxiety.

I've struggled with anxiety most of my life as well. I go through rocky stages and then stages where I feel I have it mostly under control. One thing that really works for me is not allowing myself to get drawn into other people's BS. If that looks to others like I'm unsympathetic or burying my head in the sand. So be it. For instance, DH's family situation. It's sad I can't hold his hand and be with him when he visits his family but I've learned it's just not doable for me. I've always been an empath and absorb everybody's negative vibes.

Ali you need to do what’s right for you. At this point, for me, I’m looking for solutions first and in the meanwhile figuring out what’s triggering the anxiety, and why.

In looking for goals, I look at the aspects of anxiety being negative or worried thoughts often about the future, uncomfortable/ apprehensive feelings, physical symptoms, like racing or fast heartbeat. Then I set my goals and keep them as simple as possible. That’s not to say the underlying psychology/physiology at simple but my way of dealing with it can be..

Gershun really appreciate what you said about dealing with your anxiety. Number one medication that helps. Number two directing your thoughts away from the negative Number three adopting habits that help you with these.

I have read that high intelligence is linked with anxiety due to, for example, overthinking\rumination, high awareness, and pattern recognition. Combine those with PTSD from a dysfunctional family for a good recipe for anxiety..

I was a highly anxious child – you can’t live with two personality disordered people and an alcoholic and not suffer something. In my adulthood I I learned to deal with this reasonably well. Then came CFS /FM and the anxiety was on again, big time due to an or overactive, sympathetic nervous system. OK I learned to deal with that reasonably well but negative life events do trigger it off pretty easily. And that’s what I’m dealing with right now.

i have simple goals. One to bring my heart rate down to its normal level.
Two to practice positive thinking. Three to incorporate healthy habits into my day.

My approach has been practical. My heart rate is up. I’m doing things to bring it down. My thoughts are more negative sometimes so I’m practising changing those to positive and so on. In that process, I am coming across past stuff which is still unresolved and working on those things as well.

CBD oil, combined with deep breathing exercises, combined with vagal nerve stimulation and gentle exercise are bringing my heart rate down.

Awarenessof my thoughts, choosing more positive ones and listing things to be grateful for (attitude of gratitude) do much toodispel the worries and negativity.

Gentle exercise and focussing on nature, my kitty, the good things in my life help with the above and also they all help with sleep.

Regarding sleep, I rarely sleep through the night so I use the time doing things that I enjoy like reading. I don’t worry about lack of sleep or irregularity of sleep. As long as I get about seven hours a day, doesn’t really matter when it tips.

As regards your morning exercises - good for you. However, you don’t have to like it. I sure can understand that. I do things for myself, that I know are good for me, but I grumble a bit to myself about them and that’s OK.

Anyway, just sharing what’s working for me and it is work. I’m not sure if you can relate to any of this, In any case know that we all care for you and believe in you. I think that may be the most important thing that my counsellor does for me - she believes in me. After a lifetime of a family that didn’t believe in me this is so very important for my well-being and growth.

I’m using my iPad with the microphone and I find it very frustrating so if there’ are errors above that’s a partial explanation.. Also, I finally got an appointment to get my eyes checked out.

Hugs to you all. Life can be difficult.

Thx Send, Golden & Ali!

The thing with my hubs is that he claims that he's not upset about his mom. He has to be guilted into visiting her. I don't guilt him. That just makes him crosser. But his sis does in a subtle way, as she knows what he's like. He's in denial. Paramedics and doctors alike have said "let nature takes it's course etc." He and his family will persevere to the bitter end. They don't listen. Never did. I bite my tongue.

The latest episode that led to M I L's hospitalization was cause they gave her melatonin on top of the gabapentin she is already taking. Her blood pressure dropped rapidly. I had advised against the melatonin but as I said. No one listens in that family. So I will continue to bite my tongue in future.

Send, you are right. I spent most of the time alone when my mom was on death bed. Family mostly no where to be seen. I don't visit DH's mom simply cause she and I never really had a relationship, his sister from the states is insane and I need to protect myself from her toxic energy.

Thank you Send for the private message advise. I'll heed it.

Ali, I feel you re: your anxiety. I've been there. It's mostly under control now due to medicines I'm taking. I believe I'll always need to be on something. I've kind of accepted that. I experience morning anxiety. I tend to ruminate in the morning and that is never a good idea. I never linger in bed. As soon as I'm awake I need to jump out of bed before the negative thoughts take over. I used to enjoy a good lay in now and then. But I just can't now.

I agree with Golden Ali. I don't think you have a personality disorder. I believe you struggle. But you are not broken.

Hi Gershun, great to read a post from you, though I'm sorry about the circumstances. Why is DH angry about his mom's decline and the hospitalizations? Does he feel like he's responsible for her wellness and/or happiness? Is she an unhappy or angry person, too, when she's not feeling well (or all the time)?

...

Goals for my anxiety issues: I'm going to think about this some more before I comment. I typed some answers but... idk, just want to think some more. I agree 1000% that implementing actionable things that help is far better than any effort spent figuring out how the anxiety got there in the first place, but since I've been living with this issue for so long now, it makes me think that digging up the roots might help. I've tried so many things that didn't help me... didn't help me sleep better, didn't prevent me from feeling uncomfortable almost all the time.

Dealing with a spouse’s anger while sitting at the bedside of their dying mother is incredibly difficult.

Changed my comment to a private message.

Gershun,
No longer accompany dH to the hospital.
It truly is not a requirement, and never force yourself out of guilt.
"See you at home!"

You have already expended your bedside watch-duty on hospice for your Mom.
That experience was enough for a life-time, especially if you are an empath, feeling other's pain.
Visiting his Mom will activate all that you went through, trigger you. It will not be healthy for you. Especially if you don't want to be there, are there just for him.

BTW, where was your family and dH during that time? It doesn't matter, you do not need to repeat this Mourning Bedside Watch anymore.

And you don’t have a personality disorder. I lived with them and I’m sure of that!

Good morning all.

Ali. I I don’t think you need anything wrong with your neurology to get a severe reaction to the extent of toxic mould exposure you had. I would be interested to see research on that. You got whacked with being exposed to something very toxic and it has affected you. I’ve become a bit disenchanted with AI since they started referring to Reddit as a source of good information.

I too suffer from anxiety, as do my daughter and granddaughter so I suspect there is a genetic component. Of course there are environmental influences, health issues and so on.

I see many reasons why you should be suffering from anxiety, which include your family of origin dysfunction, environmental factors, and of course, your own particular psychological\neurological makeup.

However, I’m not so interested in the origins as I am in solutions so I am going to ask you to list the top three goals you have regarding your anxiety in 10 words or less each. .

and btw you are definitely not crazy!!!

gershun - good to see you here too. Off the top of my head one technique that has worked for me is to acknowledge the other person’s anger. “I can see that you are very angry”. That validate their feelings. You could follow up with something like “I think I understand why, your mother is very ill, would you like to talk about it“ or simply I can see you are very angry, would you like to talk about it. Does he have any outlets for his physical energy like walking?

Had to laugh yesterday. I was planning a quiet afternoon as one means of dealing with my anxiety and the fire alarm went off. I wasn’t even dressed as I was planning a nice hot bath so I threw on some clothes, dashed out the door down four flights of stairs to the outside.It didn't do my anxiety any good at all. But I had a nice walk in the sunshine and chatted with a few neighbors, which was good. It’s an ill wind…

My family's dysfunction is a given but now I'm having to deal with my DH's family dysfunction.

My DH's mom is in and out of hospital. Right now, she's in. My DH gets angry rather than teary or emotional. I suppose anger is an emotion. Just not one I've ever been good at dealing with. I've never known how to respond to anger and the different ways it presents itself. I usually just withdraw which makes him more angry.

Anybody have any tips on how to navigate someone else's anger when it's indirectly directed at you, not cause they are mad at you but just angry at the world. My withdrawing seems to make him angrier.

By the way, good to see you on here Ali!

*One more thing I just thought about: According to AI, the reason why I became so very sick from the toxic mold exposure at my grandma's house was because of my underlying nuerology. And it was a horrendous exposure, for sure. I keep the report from the environmental testing company in a file, which shows that the Stachybotrys "black toxic mold" spore count in the basement, where I slept, was too high/saturated for their meters to get a proper reading; the meter capped out. I pull the report out every once in a while to remind myself that I'm not crazy. lol. Something really devastating happened to me when exposed to that level of mold, and it was a clue about my underlying neurology.

*My recent demand that the approach to my behavioral health treatment change NOW came about due to something I did during the recent certification program: I saw hard evidence, for the first time really, of how much I edit when writing. I said to myself, "There has to be a name for this. If I figure out what it is, maybe I can stop doing it, and boy, that would free up a lot of time." lol

I learned what I was doing is called external processing. There's another component for me, called social perspective-taking. I don't think these behaviors are unusual in and of themselves, but the extent to which I do them is the unusual part. I've taken time since then to be more self-aware, make a note of things I do throughout the day, and figured out that I'm constantly scripting and a handful of other spectrum-like behaviors. So, Idk, I need to see where this thread leads and try to unravel it all. I'll add more later, if it's of interest to anyone. Big (((((hugs)))))

Golden, I'm sorry to read that you're having an ME/CFS/FM crash. Take time to recover, and I hope you feel improvement very soon. I'm not going anywhere, and neither is my anxiety problem. :)

That's a really wonderful gift: having a therapist who gets you. I'm happy for you. I think my new therapist is on the right track, at least. I like the approach of this "sensory integration" clinic, in general.

Hi Golden. :) I'd hoped you were still regularly participating here on AC. So good to see a post from you.

Yes, anxiety is my chief complaint; I don't think I experience it like most other people do, though. I have a really difficult time with wake-sleep and sleep-wake transitions, and that's been true since young childhood. A psych once asked me, "What are you thinking about when you can't sleep?" I said, "Nothing, I just can't sleep." And it's true -- I'm not worried about anything in particular; I'm worried that I can't sleep! :)

I had sensory issues in childhood that I never thought much about until recently. For example, even though I played on the high school softball team because of the school's small size, I could never catch a fly ball without wincing. I can't jump off the edge of a pool without wincing; I can't hold my breath without holding my nose because I can't isolate my windpipe fully. These and other symptoms are on a short list I look back on, and after using AI to look into them extensively, it seems they're all correlated with (a mild version of) a neurological condition. Also, I taught myself to read by age 3 and was the most advanced verbal student (spelling, reading, writing) throughout my childhood. My dad has what used to be called Asperger's Syndrome; he was an exceptional pianist by the time he was 18, and his "career" was as a jazz pianist, yet he could never really "get it together," work consistently, or take care of himself. I suspect I have a touch of it, too.

It may never have become much of an impairment except for the environment I was raised in, and then decades of other hardships. I was first diagnosed with ADHD in 2001; I'd sought treatment after I couldn't keep up with my job duties, and I knew something wasn't adding up.

I took stimulant medication for a decade and had side effects so bad that I should have known the med caused them, but I didn't know. Stim meds are contraindicated for someone who has an AuDHD neurotype, and I can see/feel how they don't help me (I've been taking a small dose of Adderall daily for the past few years; it helped with school, and it does help some things, but I want to find a non-stim that helps; I've repeatedly asked my resident psychs for help with this, and they brushed me off, which is just one more reason why that clinic wasn't a good fit for me.)

I'm too good at "masking." Others will say I'm "quirky," if anything, but never would say that I have a disability. I complained repeatedly to my resident psychiatrists assigned to my case over the past 9 years; I think they collectively decided that since nothing (no medication) helps me, then I must have a personality disorder. lol And perhaps I do, Idk. (I don't think so.)

They didn't listen when I kept saying, and kept saying, "I can't sleep well. I'm tired all the time. I'm anxious all the time." The excitatory brake medication gave me relief from hypersensory irritability but never from the anxiety, and it came at a huge cost -- my verbal ability was so blunted. It's been awful; so hard to read and write. I became completely apathetic about socializing, and other side effects. That's too high a price to pay for reducing irritability. I need to find another medication or find a non-rx strategy to manage symptoms. This is why I must get a full neuropsychological assessment to determine the underlying issues and target them more effectively with whatever therapy, whether that's medication, new skills/routines, whatever.

Overall, I'm in a good place, I think. I've figured out a bunch of things that don't help me. My new job working at a children's learning clinic is part-time, starts at noon each day, and is a great baby step into the field. I have some time to work through my issues without taking on more work until I'm ready, though I hope I'm ready soon because I want to work full-time and accrue clinical hours for the higher board certification. ❤️

Hi Ail so good to see you here again and hear how you’re doing. Am I right in understandingthat anxiety is one of your major issues?
I’m recovering from a crash so I need a little more time to read your posts and consider my responses.
I finally found a good therapist a few years ago and have been working through my issues with her. She is the first one that truly “gets” me. She has been so good for me. It’s never too late.
chat more later.
Hugs Joan.
and congratulations oon your achievements. You have worked so hard and accomplished so much.

Common Types of Magnesium and Their Uses
Magnesium Glycinate: Bound to the amino acid glycine, this form is very well absorbed, gentle on the stomach, and has a calming effect. It is commonly used to improve sleep, reduce anxiety, and ease stress. [1, 2]

Magnesium Citrate: Bound with citric acid, it absorbs easily and is affordable. Because it draws water into the intestines, it is frequently used as a mild laxative to relieve occasional constipation. [1, 2]

Magnesium Malate: Combined with malic acid (an acid found in fruits), it supports cellular energy production. It is often recommended to fight fatigue and ease muscle discomfort. [1, 2, 3]

Magnesium L-Threonate: This newer form efficiently crosses the blood-brain barrier. It is targeted toward cognitive health, memory, focus, and overall brain support. [1, 2, 3]

Magnesium Oxide: This contains a high amount of elemental magnesium, but it has very low absorption in the digestive tract. It is mainly used to treat heartburn, indigestion, and constipation. [1, 2, 3]

Magnesium Taurate: Combined with the amino acid taurine, it supports cardiovascular wellness. It is often used to help regulate blood sugar and support healthy blood pressure. [1, 2, 3]

Magnesium Sulfate: Commonly known as Epsom salt, it is dissolved in warm water. It is used in baths to soothe sore muscles, though it is not an effective way to raise internal magnesium levels. [1, 2, 3]

Magnesium Lactate: Bound with lactic acid, it is easily absorbed and very gentle on the digestive tract. It is often used for people who need frequent, larger doses without stomach upset. [1, 2]

Ali,
I was told to try magnesium to deal with the side effects of Mounjaro,
we all should be pretty regular then . lol

*I'm currently titrating down on an excitatory neurotransmitter "brake" medication I've been taking since 2020. That's a BIG reason behind my current spike in agitation! :) Of course!

It's a safe titration, and symptoms are uncomfortable but manageable... which is to be expected.