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Frazzled, Sharyn, thank you, for the advice and understanding it means a lot.

I have been getting same advice since I first joined the AC family. I just could not see my self leaving my mother especially knowing the negligence. I so often remember my mother telling me she was tired of cleaning up behind me and blowing my mind and realizing that it was a defense mechanism and wondering how one could flip reality like that and if they really believed this farce and how on earth they could.

I learned so much and so many things I never wouof thought I didnt know. I think people think like I do and that is my gravest error in life. I assume blood is thicker than water. I really beleived that.

For me to finally see clearly, and come to same conclusion after so many years is breathtaking and somewhat scary that I took so long to see the l
Surely I have trust issues, and I guess I acutally gaslighted myself. Not wanting to believe the capacity of hate and jealousy in my sister. I still cannot fanthom how she and the nephew can litterallly blame me for everything. Oh, yes my mother did same. But where is the logic in thinking I am backing up the toilets and pipes. Where is the logic in not considering my mother has dementia and all the possibilites that come with the condition.

Now that I have processed the validity of the need to get out of dodge, I need to save and actually find a place which takes me frequently check out housing options in the NYC housing forum. I usually apply for every and anything and fall under or over the limits.

I have faith something will come through and I just pray for strengh untill it does.
I felt really broken this weekend the constant blame for and ridiuculous accusations became overbearing. I had flash backs of the same with my mother and knew the origin of this mode of operation. Its really so sad. But its getting clearer and clearer and all these events strengthen my heart and reserve to do whats best for me and living for mysel
And its overwhelming to see my ignorance and how long it has lasted, how I so strongly subcounsciously denied the reality of who my sister and mother are and who I am to them.

I just pray the truth comes out and Karma right beside it.
Thanks to all who took the time and patience and helped me see the truth.
I dont know what I would have done with out this forum and the wonderful spirts that serve it. Thanks amundo!!!!


Rays of love and peace and grace to all.
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Duck, I just have to say I do not know how you have someone this for so long. Something will come along soon and I am pleased and relived that you recognize the only solution to care for you is to get out of there.

Doesn't New York have a state program that will pay family caregivers? I am not suggesting you stay, not one bit. Just curious. Someone on this website a number of years ago was caring for grandma, if I remember right and was paid, according to her 7K a month.
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Well, that was a long drive, 5.5 hours about. Got to the turn off to take the high road for colors and continental divide and it started to rain, up there probably snow. So I did not go that way. Maybe on the way home, we will see.
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It's 1am, movers will be here at 9am. I have nothing prepared, didn't even take the cats to the new place in preparation. I'm telling myself that it will be hectic, but somehow it will all work out... because it always does.

By the time they get here, I'll have the cats in their carriers and we'll go from there. It will be ok. I'm a bit sick with the anxiety of it all but it will work out. One more tough hurdle.
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Duck, mental illness is a sad and frightening fact of life in many families. It sounds to me as though your mom and sister share that and have for years.

I'm glad that you are beginning to see the situation for what it is. Stick with therapy. Save every penny you can ( and stop paying for stuff in the house!). There is a great forum called Bogleheads that's all about saving, investing and personal finance. You can get a sound beginner's education there;
(I certainly did!)

Good luck with the housing lotteries!
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Just think Ali, tomorrow night you will be in your new place, exhausted and looking at boxes trying to figure out what you will do next to your new place. It is exciting.
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Duck, I remember that when I was in the middle of Caregiving, and I would get on here on DYS thread and vent about things, and about how bad I was feeling mentally, physically, emotionally, all of it...

And people would tell me "You're not going to get any better while you're there, you need to get away from the situation first."

And that made little sense to me at the time. I thought I was strong enough, somehow, and that I could fix things and fix myself without completely getting away from the Caregiving situation I was in.

But I didn't start to get much better with any of it until 6 months completely away from all of it.

Putting out those little fires every single day kept me jumping around, stomping out little fires of house repairs, medical issues, administrative mess ups... all of it kept me tending to that, I felt I couldn't just LEAVE, it was too big of a mess.

But the best thing was for me to just leave. I see that now.

You deserve a life that is good, and I don't believe you're going to have a good life until you're away from this situation. Please move forward into your own life, for your sake. Someone else WILL pick up the pieces that you've been trying to manage yourself. Let it go for now so you can gain strength and perspective.
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I am here at the conference, beautiful spot. I am exhausted, the ice breaker is going on as I type. Sorry, but 8:00 is just too late especially since I was not able to get a room at the conference hotel. They can break ice without me. Not an ice breaker type anyway.

And in order to stay here I had to stay in two rooms, different buildings. Last night was awful, smooshy mattress, just did not sleep well at all. It ended with hotel staff walking into my room as I was packing up this morning. They, evidently, thought I had checked out already. Surprise! At least I had not just gotten out of the shower or something.

The place I am staying tonight is much nicer and however this happens, is $50.00 cheaper a night, a mere $89.00. A bargain! Nice firm bed, kitchen, dining table, even a fireplace if I felt so inclined. It is chilly, but not that bad.

Attended a pre-conference session today on transitions that we all have throughout our lives. There were six presenters that talked about different transitions, all related to careers and business but can carry through to all aspects of life, including caregiving. Afraid of changes, but excited for the new opportunities that they present. I think many of us get stuck. Afraid of what will happen without caregiving not only for our loved one, but for ourselves. It takes an exceptional amount of courage to move on without any sort of idea what the future may hold. Turns out it worked out for me and for Ali too. I know there are others out there, Duck for one, but she is not alone.

Just looking forward to a decent night's sleep tonight.
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And radiant heat beneath the bathroom tile! Maybe it will get cold enough to try it out! Thought about that for my house and decided against it. Pretty costly and what if it goes out? I would have to replace the tile. Another house that is nearly complete has radiant heating beneath the driveway. Guess they do not like to shovel snow.
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Wow Glad, radiant heat beneath the drive way! I didn’t know they could do that. It would be costly if it went out. I guess we will shovel, no ice melt, I don’t want to use it.

It it was a cold 38 this morning when I left for work. Tomorrow will be back in the 80’s.

My brother watched the SF Giants game on tv Sunday. He is coming along but will have a long rehab ahead of him yet.
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Sharyn, bro watching football, sounds like quite an improvement. He is getting there. Thinking of you.

Still at the conference. One more day, then home on Friday. I have run into a few people that I have worked with through my career, nice to see them and catch up. It is a long day. There was happy hour tonight, had one beer then back to the condo. It is very nice! But, again, I am exhausted.

Am looking forward to going home, have even thought about leaving tomorrow mid-afternoon to get home before dark. May still do that. Ming is probably wondering what the heck! But, there is an awards dinner tomorrow night, included in the fee for the conference. Might stay, who knows. Maybe leaving first thing Friday morning is good, would get home by noon, and have a nap, and snuggle with my kitty.
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Sharyn, why not ice melt? There is a variety that is pet and plant friendly. It is more expensive but works quite well. The type I have is in a milk carton plastic material, gallon size and the salt, if that is what it is, is blue on color.

Thinking about going to sleep on the bathroom floor, my legs are cold. Naaa.😉
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We were told not to use ice melt for 3 years so the concrete has time to cure or the ice melt will cause pitting and deterioration of the concrete. My dd forgot about this and used ice melt the 1st year they lived in their new house and their drive way is a mess now.
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Thinking back over examples, I have to say I don't personally know any householder who has chosen underfloor heating *twice*.

I suppose we picture ourselves padding about barefoot on Christmas morning looking like the ladies in the catalogs. Then the time comes when something needs repair and you have to endure the wholesale destruction of your floor and then its replacement, which is never satisfactory because if you don't lay concrete all in one bed it looks terrible, and the next house move will involve either radiators or relocation to Hawaii.
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Nothing like a conference of about 500 people to make me really appreciate where I am and where I am not! Complete and utter OVERLOAD! Awards banquet tonight, I am not going. Just start packing up for return home. If it were not so late I would leave now.
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Drive home safely, Glad
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thanks, Madge, wish I had a time machine. Just cannot get out of here quick enough. Used to love this kind of stuff, not any more. Carry over from caregiving? isolation? who the heck knows.
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This doesn't exactly fall under the Dysfunction category but I thought I'd post here anyhow since all the other threads seem so slow and inactive.

I find myself feeling really depressed lately. Dreaming about my dear, departed Mom again. I wake up feeling like she just died yesterday. I'm on the verge of tears all the time. Why am I feeling like this now? I really thought I was on the road to conquering this already and here I am feeling like I'm starting the grieving process all over again.

Why? I did go to grief counselling at one time and it was horrible. I had thought that going to a church based grief workshop would be better and now I wonder why I thought that. The pastor who led the group, and I use the word group lightly cause there were only three of us including myself, was one of these pious people who I can't stand. I've always felt that you can be a good christian and still be relatable. Not in this case.

Anyhow, should I go to another grief group even though it's been over three years since my Mom died? Or is what I'm going through natural? Does anybody out there have any thoughts they'd like to share.
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Gershun, I think it’s normal. Grief is an on going process. My mom passed 2-1/2 years ago and I have days where I feel sad and weepy and I can’t talk about her without tears. Different things trigger it too. Sometimes it comes out of no where It has been harder losing my mom, maybe because she was my last living parent. If it is troubling for you, grief counseling may be a good idea. It sounds like this pastor was not very warm and compassionate and if that was the case, it probably prevented you from working through your grief. Remember, there is no time limit on grief. ((( Hugs)))
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Gershun, I’m sorry for the loss of your mother. My dad died about 6 years ago; mother 2 yrs and husband 5 months ago. I took care of all three of them throughout their illnesses. My sister helped some with my parents and I had full time help with my husband. I miss them all in different ways all the time. Even though my dad died 6 years ago I go thru periods where I sit down bawl like it happened yesterday. Same with my mom and husband. Not sure what triggers the feelings. I can see something on television, hear a song. I went to a grief support group after my Mom died. It didn’t seem to do much good for me. Now I am going to a Widow’s support group. I don’t relate very well to this group either. I’ve made an appointment with an individual therapist. My first appointment is next week. My younger sister doesn’t seem to have the same grief problems I’ve had. I know she misses them, but it doesn’t seem to affect her the same. Perhaps it’s because she has a husband, three small children and a job which keep her very busy. I don’t have children. I am going back to work 10/1 and hoping maybe that will help some. I don’t know if I’m right or not, but I don’t think we can put a time limit on how long we grieve or decide how we’re going to grieve. I loved my parents and my husband and it’s a big hole in my life without them.
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There will always be triggers, I think. Was offered grief counseling by hospice that helped mom leave. I didn't use it, would get mail from them quarterly. I think I did my grieving while caring for her, then my move 600 miles away. And the crazy dysfunction from twisteds really did me in.

Grief counseling is for whenever there is a time when you think that it may help. There are others that go through similar. Try a different church, or even check with hospice organizations. I was told by one that anyone is welcome.
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Instead of a group as if there is something wrong with you, can you try a class about something you would like to do?
Maybe you will meet up with the class and go to lunch?

I am just thinking the more you get out, the better you will feel, tears and all.....
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gershun

any chance of you planning a vacation or little getaway ?
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(((Gershun))), I think what you are going through is normal. Grieving is such an emotional roller coaster. If you find yourself getting seriously depressed though, it would probably be a good idea to talk to another counselor or attend another grief support group. I just worry about you getting too isolated and depressed, which is really easy to do, especially while you're grieving. Having a counselor or group that you can talk to face to face will help you feel not so alone.
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Thanks everybody. You all make good, valid points. I think my problem right now is isolation. I never see anybody except my Hubs and my two cats. I go grocery shopping and that is my big day out. I've been trying to go to the workout facility we have here too but it's usually empty when I go. It's like life is conspiring to keep me alone. My Mom was my only true friend. I've had friends that came and went throughout my life but my Mom was my only constant friend. I know I probably come across as outgoing in my posts but I'm really a shy person most of the time. The thought of joining another group just makes me tired at the thought of it.

I don't know. Lately, I've been feeling like I'm going to die soon. I don't know why I feel this. I just do. I almost kind of hope it's true. I'm just tired of it all.

But thank you all for caring. Hopefully, this is just a stage I'm going through and it will pass.
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Gershun, have you thought about taking a fun class at a local community college or Joann’s or Michaels? Take something that will be fun and learn a new craft.
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Big hugs, Gershun.

I know it's not the first time I've said this, but about the never seeing anyone to speak to and not knowing how to connect - I'm just the same.

Doesn't help that I don't have the dog any more. Or that I haven't worked in a company since 1989 (I started freelancing to fit work round the kids and never went back). But most of all I know it's me.

There is a knitting circle at my local library, once a week. There are reading groups dotted around the place. A man from the local Historical Association pushed a leaflet into my hand the other day. I volunteer at our local hospital, and lots of the other volunteers get together and do stuff. There is a church literally next door. There is a gym, and there is a tennis club, and there is a ladies' weekly cycling group - meets today at a quarter to twelve, in fact, just round the corner.

So what's stopping me? Not a thing. But here I sit, hiding. 'L'enfer c'est les autres.'

How about... I will if you will?!
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CM, joining a group............I don't know. I join groups and then I sit there thinking that I must be the only weird person in the room. Don't get me wrong, I'm not weird..............I just feel like I am. I have always had a tendency to say things to cut through the BS in the room, any room. Then everyone in said room looks at me like "she just said that?" Then one of two things happens. The other person in the room that feels like me, approachs me and we isolate ourselves which kind of defeats the whole purpose, or no one gets me and i isolate myself, AGAIN.

Yes, I'm that person. Remember the movie Good Will Hunting? I was like Matt Daman's character except without the genius factor. He had trouble finding peers and so do I.

But Countrymouse, you do it anyway if it, whatever is is helps you. Don't wait for me.
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Gershun, yes, I get what you're saying. And I'll qoute you a piece of wisdom:
" If you find that you're the smartest person in the room, you need to find a new room".

Your cohort is out there, I promise.
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I'm beginning to wonder if we were separated at birth - !

I tried to explain to D1 the difficulty of getting myself integrated into groups, and it ended up coming out as "people don't like me." Which of course she instantly rejected, in fact it would have been rude of her not to, but although that isn't what I meant, isn't true exactly like that, the *effect* is the same. I seem to make other people uncomfortable no matter how self-effacing I try to be.

And by the way - you think you're the weird one in the room? You do realise, don't you, that without exception so does every other person there. It's length of membership and the formation of bonds with other individuals that helps them get comfortable.

Thinking back to the large mother-and-baby circle I belonged to, oh so many years ago, I spent the first sessions ready to weep with boredom. Then one Wednesday the hostess started on about her new vacuum cleaner and as I inwardly wailed and literally crossed my eyes I also caught the eye of a woman across the room - with whom I am still friends, over thirty years later. I can't think there is anything wrong with singling out other misfits and forming your own subset.

Also: expectations. Suppose - oh darn, I've missed it for today what a pity - I did go on that cycling group and was allowed to tag along for an hour while six or eight other ladies carried on their conversations. I wouldn't feel part of the group, but I would get a bike ride and the following week - assuming they didn't say 'oh God not her again' - their faces would be that bit more familiar and their conversations might hold more interest for me. I wonder if we're expecting too much, too fast?
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