The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

I have a suspicion that RBF is used mainly by people who think they're being witty and au courant, and has nothing to do with their genuine opinion of what you or anyone else looks like.

Anyway it's better than RDF *

*resting dumbass face.

Good question, Countrymouse! "What are you there for?"

When I first attended one church, the pastor greeted me. I said that I did not want to meet anyone, I was there to worship God. Three visits later, I went out afterwards for dinner/snacks with the group. People definitely wanted to find out about me. I said: "Do you know about the witness protection program?", sensing gossip seekers ears perked up, gathered around now to listen, when seconds before were engaged in a group conversation behind me.
then, I said: "Well, I have nothing to do with that."
and smiled.

LOL, Send! Nice one :D

But are they still wondering today if it might have been a double bluff..?

Moved from that county so many years ago, CM.
Caregivers on here who know me also know that I am difficult to get to know, but have experienced some difficult times as a divorced woman at church. The wives and single women all welcome the single men, even inviting them to their homes for dinner, but reject the woman attending alone.
It is just a fact of human nature.

Today, I am married for 18 years this November.

It's a fact of residual misogyny, if you ask me, Send.

Though it might also be a compliment, looked at in a certain light? Years after the event I was aghast to hear that my divorced friend had once been pinned up against a wall and interrogated about her attitude to husband-stealing (knowing the alleged aggressor, this story was credible); but I later reflected that the paranoid one hadn't bothered asking me, and I was just as divorced as my friend was. Well, humph. I accepted she was much prettier than me but I was a little miffed to be considered no threat at all :(

Feeling burned out after 3 years and no real vacation. Like I would love a 2 week vacation with my Hubbie. Mom is getting more paranoia. Keeps accusing me of taking money out of her purse. She doesn’t like her son in law even though he’s nice to her and she lives with us for free. Does not seem grateful and says wants to move.

Marium
can mom afford assisted living? Or at least a two week respite stay in one?

Witness Protection Program? LOL Send! I could always say that I'm just out on day parole and then everyone might think twice. Maybe punch myself in the face really hard so my face looks swollen. If anyone looks at me I'll just say, it's really tough in general population especially in the shower room and bring a big cushion with me to sit on, maybe wink at people when they stare.

Well I am waaaay behind and not up to commenting on everything, but will respond to some.

Gershun what you posted about grief has been on my mind, I don't think you are experiencing anything abnormal. I still have some "grief bursts" over my son who died over 16 years ago. I became a hermit when I was grieving heavily and really haven't come out of it much, but then I am an introvert and don't care for a lot of company. I think we are not the same person after we have lost a very loved one.

Here is a little saying on introverts I posted on my f/b page a few days ago. It describes me well. I spend days without any human contact other than through my computer and I don't feel lonely.

People drain me.
That’s why I embrace
Silence and Solitude,
 I can spend days and days without
Any human contact,
Not feeling lonely
for even a moment.

Willowcat

re church, I too find that they cater to young people. The music deafens me and my hearing is not as good as it was. R wears ear plugs when he goes. I don't go much as my energy is limited, but I have a rich prayer and bible study life, a strong faith and a few friends I can share with. I totally agree with :when 2 or 3 are gathered. He didn't say when 20 or 30, or 200 or 300...

dori - so glad to see you back posting . Please don't disappear altogether. Sorry but I think your bro is a first class j*rk. Do get some help with the executor duties. I plan to when the time comes. You sound so happy to be back home.. Hope the home re-warming goes well. Bruce killed his first spider Yay!!!!

fraz - I understand. Let us know whether or not you went. Since various "heavy" events in my life, and caregiving mother is one, I have given myself permission to do or not do according to what I can cope with. not according to social expectations. And the sky hasn't fallen in, and my friends seem to understand. The family who are not friends don't understand what ever I do. Look after you.

marium - welcome - you do sound burnt out. Is there any way you could arrange some respite time? The paranoia is hard to deal with and so are her feelings towards your hub. Is there money to move her to an AL? You might check out of she is qualified for medicaid. Some ALs take medicaid. I suspect she will not be happy no matter where she is.

sharyn - so glad your bro is making progress even if slow.

glad - giving notice wow!!!!

stacey, trying, guest and all .Thinking of you. Group hug, ((((((((all)))))))))

Golden, I too just do not feel the least bit lonely even after days and days. Easy to fall behind, this page has been very busy today.

Do enjoy hearing from my kids especially when dd#2 sends me pics of her IKEA finds, and for all you Scandinavians out there, Madge and Golden? Creamed smoked roe, DD bought some today and is visiting next weekend. Maybe she will bring it here. I would love to try. Supposed to be quite tasty. Will let you know.😲

On the mother front, a very friendly aide who seems to be one of the two who contacts me, called early last week to say they were starting mother back on risperdal ( as the dr had said ti me) and then called again recently to tell me so far there isn't any difference. Mother is still crying. They will keep her on the present dose for a few more days and then increase it if she hasn't improved. I gather the crying is likely due to her condition worsening, as nothing else has changed.

I did some reading on the last stage of Va D and that suffering in people with dementias, cancer etc can be measured by a MSSE test (Mini-Suffering State Examination scale) which has 3 sub groups according to degree of suffering. 0-3(low) 4-6 (intermediate) and 7-10 (high).
I estimate mother to be in the intermediate group. The goal is to assess suffering near end of life and reduce it as much as possible.

I guess they are working on that. I am thankful that this aide takes the trouble to watch mother and call me. I hope the risperdal will help mother. I hate to think of her in emotional pain and surely it can be alleviated somehow at this stage of her life;.

This is a horrible waiting game, as most of you know.

I have a sinus infection again or still - not sure. Anyway peroxide rinses and gargle help. I just have to be persistent. I have found that Tylenol is helping the general ache/pain issues and is "calming" as well. This is being studied as Tylenol blunts emotions - both ups and downs. Right now that is helpful for me. Not noticing much difference in the ups, but some improvement in the downs. They aren't huge downs, but may as well feel as good as I can.

Snow here today Way to soon!!!!

Take care all, Be good to you.

glad -it has been very busy. Good to see. Creamed smoked roe??? Let me know how it is. I miss gjetost.

It is almost gjetost season. I just love it, on waffles, crackers, lefse, but not in krumkake. 😉

Welcome Marium and upsetdil.

My fave was on hot buttered toast! Yum!

Ryekrisp. But I don't think it is made anymore.

golden - I will not disappear altogether! And yes, I am incredibly happy to be home. The house re-warming went very well - so nice to be at home with my besties for company!

CM - My brother has been such a judgey, self-centered person for so long that punching him in the face never occurred to me. Really, I feel sorry for him. I think he leads a very lonely life but has no real clue as to why. Brother was ok with me getting an advance, but that was before he blew up at me for not being responsible (i.e.; not already having money put aside somewhere). The lawyer didn't think mom's bank would let me have one, since the accounts are frozen, and the matter kind of ended there.

cwillie - I do know about Executor fees, and mom even put it in her will. She didn't put how MUCH, however. The maximum in BC is 5% of the gross assets, but the representation agreement from the lawyer says I have to negotiate the amount with the other beneficiaries (which is my brother).

I could actually use some advice from the rest of you about this Executor fee business. The representation agreement is for the lawyer to probate the will, but there are still a ton of things listed for me to do as Executor. Some things are going to have to be paid for, and I can ask the lawyer and his assistants for help with some of the admin stuff, but they will charge me for that separately - if I do get their help, the agreement says I'll have to pay them out of the Executor fee.

The problem I'm having is that under BC Trustee law, you're supposed to try to negotiate the amount with the other beneficiaries - that being my brother. I don't know how to even negotiate this with my brother after this latest outburst from him. The other option is to leave it to the court. But then I have to explain to the lawyer that brother and I had a falling out, plus who knows how long that will tie up the Estate?

My other problem is that, no, I don't have the funds to pay for things out of pocket and get reimbursed later. I just don't. It's not that I would mind being reimbursed....IF I could pay for stuff. But I'm just barely going to get by myself, and getting by (you know, paying rent, eating, etc.)......that is going to take some creativity on my part until I have an income again. I have just enough left in my savings to pay my rent and bills another two months, and that's where it's going to end. I never believed in debt so I don't have things like credit cards or lines of credit. I've paid cash for everything, all down the line. Maybe not the wisest way to go (and probably why bro thinks I'm irresponsible), but it's done and I can't change the past. It's not that I have bad credit, it's just that I don't have any. That's one of the things I hope to rectify by being a property owner, but in the meantime.....I don't know how to come up with the funds to pay for things like notaries, couriers, trips to Vancouver to sign things, etc. I can write a cheque as mom's Executor, and the nice lady at the bank will put it through if I phone her, but I don't want to have to write a cheque for every little stamp, and how do I pay for the gas to get to Vancouver? Write a cheque to myself? Again, I really don't think that's appropriate, to be writing cheques to myself. Do I have to run out and get the first job I can find, just so I can afford to be an Executor?

I guess this is my basic problem, which I could use advice about....how to you act as an Executor when you don't have the financial means to be one? And what should I be thinking of in terms of an Executor fee, and how am I going to get my brother to agree (so that it doesn't get dragged out through the courts.

Sure would appreciate your input.....

i don’t know if this is the right place to post. Briefly, I come from a relatively ordinary family. Both parents deceased. I have a sister who lives 2 blocks from me and she is my best friend. I came to AC because of my husband’s family. They are dysfunctional on many fronts. His siblings were trying to get me to take care of their parents. Not happening. That’s why I found AC. I’ve spent six years taking care of first my parents and then my husband for 18 months. I’m not stepping back into that role for anyone else. Now his niece is trying to manipulate me I think. I have never been close to this young woman. we all live in the same city, more or less in the same neighborhood. It’s mostly Polish, Hungarian, with a scattering of Germans, Austrians. Big close knit families. Mostly, Catholic or Lutheran. My husband’s family is Polish. My mother was Polish and my dad Hungarian. My husband’s family plays the family card at every turn. I’m not sure what this young woman wants but I’m sure something. She showed up on my doorstep at 9:30 last night to “just talk”. I told her I was sorry, but that it was late and I was ready for bed. I made sure she was driving and not out walking alone. Now this morning I’m feeling guilty that I turned her away. But I don’t want these family members intruding in my life. My husband was always very careful with them. He always said “give them an inch and they’ll take a mile.” I wonder if I’m being too careful?

I loved Ryecrisp. I found a couple of good substitutes on Amazon. Wasa Crispbread Dark Rye was good. No Ryekrisp, but good.

Dorianne - can you write a check to yourself (as executor) for "miscellaneous expenses?

UsedupDIL, it was very sensible indeed of you to stick to your guns and tell that young lady that 'just talking' would have to wait for another time when you weren't on your way to bed. And, perhaps, when she had let you know to expect you and you had agreed to her visit. Which is how one normally goes about arranging social calls, is it not.

You did the right thing in every respect. You had concern for her wellbeing by making sure she wasn't at any kind of immediate risk. You kept normal boundaries and conventions in place. You were alert to but did not create or provoke a confrontation about the subtext to her visit.

Personally I don't feel that the ball is now in your court; I don't think you should feel any kind of obligation to follow up on this harmless incident. But it depends on how much you're prepared to offer this girl in the way of support. If you like her and think you can help her or usefully advise her or at least give her a listening ear without getting sucked in further than you want, then by all means give her a call and say you're just checking she's okay. But if, really, she is nothing to do with you and you can see very well that speaking to her would inevitably lead to "getting involved", just leave it be. You've done her no harm and you don't owe her anything.

UsedUpDIL, you are not being too cautious. Not at all.

And no guilt. Please!

Sounds like your husband smells an ulterior motive. Trust his instinct and be grateful for his support.

Big hugs!

Interior paint colors look great!

Pulled probably a hundred goathead plant, which would probably lead to at least a thousand in the spring. They are indeed the nastiest weed I have ever had to contend with!

Countrymouse, I’m not going to give it any thought. If she calls or whatever, I’ll make an assessment then. Surprised me when she showed up so late. I never have visitor’s simply stop by in the evening.

All this talk of Norse cheese and I'm sitting here reminiscing about my uncle and aunt who used to stay with us when in town and they'd make big Norwegian breakfasts and we'd drive to the port and get smoked fish and visit the Norwegian wayfarer church for lefse - that was a long time ago - they were the first to die and mom missed them so for years

golden,
do hope they get mom some relief soon

it's been a full month now since the Viking's risperdal has been lowered - one of the staff told me she thought she is more alert now

Gershun,
I think you should start winking at everyone - it could be your new trademark - kinda like how some people call everyone Hun

I find social interactions exhausting especially the older I get

I've observed recently at work - more out of having to overhear their conversations than any interest in them, that when a new young man joined the team, the other young men seem to be very drawn to him but I can't quite figure out why - they hang out at his cubicle and talk football and ask if he's going to lunch - recently a young woman also joined the team, and I don't think anyone has checked in with her or invited her to lunch 🤔

I read something the other day about introverts and how they expend energy in interacting with other people. It resonated with me. I just now Googled "poem introvert energy" and then looked at the images and there are a thousand short poems/sayings that sum up this idea that interacting with people is a drain to one's energy.

I find it to be both draining and invigorating to deal with other people... just depends on the situation. My coworkers have become such that, when I don't feel well in the mornings, I tell myself to just get ready and get into work and I know that talking with my coworkers will help me out from there. I enjoy their company and our camaraderie, and being around them helps me to get out of my "I don't feel that great" headspace and focus on our work. I think I'm very lucky to have them as coworkers right now.

Golden,

I'm so sorry that your mom is feeling this way, the crying.
I hope that the people where she gets her care can resolve this for her.

My mom also is still hanging in there. But this summer we've noticed another decline of sorts, the next stage of the Alzheimers. The little emotional connection she's had, appears to be less and less. She kind of didn't recognize me, which hadn't happened before, thought I was her sister, remember the battle ax?
Actually she was the reason I ended up here at AC on this thread.

Hope your sinus issues clear up, I have them too.

Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Hi, Margeaux! I want to jump in and say hello before you disappear for another 6 months. (((((hugs))))) I hope you're doing well. Sorry to hear about your mother's decline. It's expected but also sad for you, I'm sure.

Golden, I read the poem you posted about introverts, and I think it was that same day someone in my Facebook circle posted something else about introverts. I wish I had saved it. I go so fast some days, browsing social media while at work sometimes, I don't pay close attention to things.

I had a dream awhile back that has stuck with me for months. In my dream, an imaginary woman friend showed me her Facebook account, where she had 37 friends. (I have around 800 Facebook friends at this point.) I said to her "You're doing it right." I've culled a lot of things in my life, learned much by doing so. This recent apartment move has reminded me of the value in living with less stuff. Maybe in the future I'll figure out the wisdom of having a dozen good friends, and focusing on spending time and energy on and with those people. I'm at a place where I have some casual friends who I may never see again back in LA, some from high school that I don't have much in common with and I don't see them either, another group here in Chicago that I know from music hobbies... and I see them rarely. I'm not sure how I feel about having so many "friends" but I don't spend time with any of them. It seems impractical... and I'm not trying to win any popularity awards. I'd rather have quality over quantity. But you wouldn't know it from how I interact socially... hm.

Hi Everyone,

Glad, Golden, Book, Ali, Country Mouse, Send, Sharyn, & all of you lovely people!
It's been awhile, and it's not like I haven't been thinking of you all.

Anyway, what can I say, I just feel as if life kind of piled up on me last six months or so. I was looking for work mostly, and it took quite some time. But just two weeks ago I started a new gig. Of all things caregiving! HAAH! At first I didn't know whether to go ahead and do this. I'm signed up w/IHSS program. I'm working w/a nice lady for now. Well you all know how that goes, when everything is new & crisp it's all good. But truth be told she does seem to be o.k., someone I can work for. She loves to go to the $1.00 store a lot. One of the things that motivated me on to do this.....is through IHSS if you join the union, we can get medical insurance & even dental for $1.00 a month. The other thing was that I used to work in offices, as a secretary. But I just couldn't think of being couped up again, nor driving so early in the a.m. to a job like that.

I also sprained my left foot a week ago. I went to this beautiful backyard birthday party. There was a live band. So I told my man, "Let's dance." We did, & I was wearing these cute new heels. Well my husband & I were doing those partner moves on an uneven patio floor. We were dancing like Fred & Ginger, we even got compliments. Then when we were back at the table.......my foot became stiff then the pain. Oh Boy!! They got me some ice. But by the time we left, I asked my husband if they had a back door, because I had to take my shoes off, and felt embarrassed after such a lovely performance, and now I was injured. Truth be told I was feeling my age!!! HAAH!

Well, I had to call in sick the 2nd week, was out 2 days. Returned Wednesday - Friday. My foot seemed o.k., but on Friday night it got bad again. Landed up at urgent care Sat. Very sprained ligaments, so I'm wearing a small boot. Been icing the heck out of it. Today it's calmed down.

Anyway, looking forward now to having a bit more $$ in my pocket, and believe me I intend to by a new computer.

Well hope everyone is doing o.k.

Much Love & Light! Margeaux