The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Margeaux~Thank you for your response! I love my sister and feel bad that I talk about her but I just don't know how to deal with her lately. I think some if it is that she may be having side effects to Zoloft. Her PCP recently increased the dosage to 100 mg. once a day. What I have noticed is that over the last few months she is not able to focus completely on a topic. She forgets having conversations about certain issues and she has become very sensitive and somewhat combative if I don't agree with her. She has trouble making decisions and doesn't always understand what I tell her. Yesterday when we were at the community having lunch with mom, she would not make eye contact with me for a long time, she kept looking down, her eyes were moving back and forth as though she were thinking deeping about something and was preoccupied...a normal reaction to everything we are going through, right...I understand. Then the conversation turned to to the potty patch we bought for mom's dog and I explained to sis that I had put it in a garbage bag took it over mom's house and rinsed it with off hose onto the grass and let it drain off the excess water on the patio. Her response was ...did you put it in a plastic bag??? I said again I put it in a garbage bag...again she said but did you put it in a plastic bag to carry it out to your car??? Not thinking I had to talk with her as thoughtshe has a cognitive issue, I said...a garbage bag is plastic. She became offended and said...well excuse me...I don't think as quickly as I used to. She has told me she is having what she calls blackouts....time lost at work but when she becomes cognitively aware again there is a time loss ... but work is being done and she has no memory of doing it. Yesterday when we got to mom's house, she said someone in a white shirt was walking up to the front door...when she opened the door no one was there. She said she has these type of hallucinations often and her PCP wants to her to see a Psychiatrist because her systems are out of her range of knowledge. I think these are side effects to this medication and I hope she follows through. Without sounding like a cry baby...I am havinh major pain down my right arm... I have a high tolerance to physical pain but this is keeping me from sleeping...anyway it is a pinched nerve in my shoulder..tingling and pain when I sit or lay down. Hubby is going camping with his dad tomorrow until Wednesday so I am going to schedule a massage and work with midget here at home. With everything going on with my sis...my worries about her and dealing with this pain I am over reacting. I will try to catch up with everyone later. Hugs to you Margeaux and I know you have a lot deal with too with your concerns about your mother.Hugs to you!!

In my case, it is not necessarily the inheritance but cooperation with the sister. All I am asking is for her to invite me to her Thanksgiving or Christmas dinner. One hour a year. How hard would that be? But no, she won't invite me but she invites half the town. I would be much more cooperative if she would invite me. She won't come to my house either.

Margeaux, I like the psychological approach of looking at our parent's childhoods and our grandparent's childhoods. This has been helpful in my own journey.

Cmagnum,

When I was a young kid growing up, I know I used to wonder about my family.
I started to realize about lots of the dysfunction going on around me. Then, I had to be in charge of my siblings being the eldest of them. I know I would feel bad about different things, and always felt burdened by these responsibilities. So somewhere in the picture as I became older I started to give this some serious thought. It all pointed to the same thing. This was that through realizing some of our parents, grandparents past....many did not know how to raise their children.
Be it for poverty, addictions, personality disorders and the like it could have been for a variety of reasons. People can talk all they want about the religions they belong to, and want to follow. But on a very deep, psychological level, if one does not awaken and really give some thought to true compassion for human beings, religiosity means nothing! At least this is what I think. It is a way of stepping into the shoes of others, and just taking a moment to try to feel what that person must have felt, and the hurdles they had to jump to survive. This has helped me very much. I do have to remind myself of it also.

By the way, I know you'd asked if anyone knew how long a UTI lasts. My mother had a UTI, only about a month and a half ago. Apparently, she took a round of anti-biotics for it, and it seemed to clear up in about a week and a half.
I am not sure whether this is standard. How is your mother doing?

All right, take care and you and yours are in my thoughts.
Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Dreyfuss,

Welcome to this thread. I have read many times where the siblings do not help with the care of their parents. There appear to be a variety of reasons that any one child in a family ends up doing the major part of the care for their parents, too. I'm not saying this is o.k., either.

Do you happen to have any outside help coming in?
Are you in charge of two elderly parents, if I may ask?
Anyway, do come back and tell us about your situation. We are here to listen, and be supportive.
Much Love & LIght! Margeaux

Bonnie,

Where the heck are you? You have been missing in action, I hope all is well, where ever you are! Much Love & LIght! Margeaux

Margeaux, all too often people with personality disorders not only lack empathy/compassion for others, but they can hide behind religious masks as well. My grandmother did this very well as have my mother and my mother in law.

I gather that my mom's mother was raised in a very strict church background. She lost her parents at a young age and was raised by relatives. I don't think her childhood emotional needs were ever met nor did she meet the emotional needs of her children and was not capable of really connecting emotionally with us grandchildren. She was such a control plus prim and proper person that I could never have any friends over inside of her house those years that mom and I lived with her and my great aunt in that huge southern two story house. I mean it was big. My mother did not meet my emotional needs as a child, but instead used me to meet hers. Like her mother, she was not able to really connect with her grandchildren. Her sister was more of a control person over her children than my mother was over me which was bad enough.

Mom's UTI is finally clearing up and will likely go back to the nursing home tomorrow. The nurse explained to me this morning that the problem with my mother's swelling is that she does not eat enough protein in her diet. Evidently, when we don't have enough protein our bodies tend to retain water. Well that makes sense for carbohydrates, sugary foods just like salt can make us hold too much water and evidently it takes protein to bring about the needed balance.

Love, hugs, prayers for all.

omigosh! I always figure my family is the epitome of dysfunctional! we weren't so perfect before:) and now, throwing my 83 year old completely disabled mother with somewhat mild dementia (not to mention my daughter and 2 granddaughters 2 yrs and 8 months-giving us a grand total of 4 generations!) with constant construction and just trying to make space for all... so maybe you get the idea! sometimes I think I'm going to run screaming out of my house and maybe... come back eventually. (oh and I work full time) I feel like a failure half the time because I'm short-tempered and stressed and I feel like my health is failing a bit (I'm almost 57). is this enough of a sob story for this post? I think I'm just venting. I know I cannot be the only one is this position, but sometimes I feel like I cannot carry on in a sane mode. thanks for listening and God bless all of you!

haroldine, don't EVER think what you're experiencing is weird, wrong, bad...I can assure you most of the people that post here have gone through, and are actively going through the same things. My husband, daughter & I sold our house to avoid foreclosure when hubby lost a very lucrative job and we moved into my parents' brick ranch. Mom had to be put in a nursing home as her dementia kicked in and she was MEAN and scaring all of us; Dad's whole world fell apart when that happened & needs the company now; daughter (19) acted out horribly and was a snot for 3 years; husband was mean, crabby and withholding $$ from me....all the while my older sister has POA, lives 15 miles away and visits once a week. The strain is enormous & I don't have HALF of what you're contending with!!! Are you venting? Of course! You need to! Feel free to vent here ANYTIME; because everyone here I've found to be very compassionate and empathetic. Many bright moments for you in the days to come and lots of smiles through the tears too.

Hi everyone...I cannot believe how much has changed since I got here on this particular thread last week.....Mom went to ER for 3rd nitemare and I had a complete n udder meltdown...
I have been spewing my venom everywhere.
and figured out why I couldn't get off my damn pity pot....cause I could not save my dad bro's and now mom was going down too.. the system was killing me.
I even came to terms long ago, well that is my dad, JUst like the boys in the family, gotta make it chaotic..would have it no other way! lol my coping. But I have been festering because I could not do a freaking thing about any of it!
Well I can still do something here now bout Ma....and the incident in the ER was meant to show me the strength I need to save my mom from the doctors who are suppose to treat her. I could not save dad from his fate, nor my brothers but I can still save ma, get us what we need to make her journey the best it can be....
It is not too late to try....and the bad news tho is I demanded a thourough exam and found more problems with her and now I am researching the damage Fosamax did to her...I don't believe we have the time I thought we mite to pull this out the crapper! she is so frail, like a toothpick...I broke my own mothers ribs with a routine lite under shoulderblade grip as I have done for years...this one I think she is good. but I am sure the incident happened for a reason...
this morning I did more for our future in 4hrs than 4 months since she first broke hip in beginning causing my spiral down here! anyway I was so traumatized by the horrific treatment of the ER again I think I had a meltdown or ??.some kinda dreamtyping incedent I got so attached to the security of this computer I just sat there everychance I got holding on to it idk...I had to blow it out or we were going down!!!
anyway as mom cocooned into a beautiful person from this disease...I am now going to have to step up and be here protector and advocate with a clear mind and conscious. the mind can be a crazy place but I now have such a great outlook...I made 5-6 phonecalls and kicked ass on the system...got new CG hired called sr srvcs out, and found new respite program, got VA benefits rolling and she is gonna help with the legal omg home health may be back to deal with new issues...omg power of reaching out for help thanks for all of you !! I need sleep now been nappin of n on all day!!
luv,
Juju!

I mean this is me, I am a fighter I knew it....I used to run a production for defense electronics in silicon valley and now I cant even tie my shoes, well a while ago anyway...I was beat down by the system...and physically worn to a thread. but I mite actually be able to fite....I know I got a suit, just to find a lawyer who values human life no matter what age!!! I will fight the good fight tho and if we don't win at least I know I tried!
Thanks
Luv Juju!

didn't go anywhere - still raining, bad driving, mother has settled down and the gut infection flared up so tired and taking it easy,
juju -you can only do so much - don't lay too much on yourself -look after you in the middle of all this
cmag glad your mum is improving
Margeaux - interesting observations

gotta sleep -love and hugs to all.

Ya I know actually I have so much help coming my way in just one days time, just amazing. and as the day goes on...I really think hospice might be coming not home health, probably not gonna have time to fite like I want but I will try just depends...VA fiduciary called today to set up the acct and I told her I need money for lawyer..told story n she sed she would help me, sounded sincere, she sed she can get legal help for me. if she cant then I cant, I am praying I can pull this outta the crapper in time but just knowing why I couldn't let go of the poison....is a huge relief and I asked a friend if something does happen can I come stay on your property! She got my back! so im not sure how I am going to do this but if it woulda happened a month ago I would have not survived it. that is all I am sure of! and that I finally purged the poison, it was like an exorcism or something idk! lol....anyway ya boy if I could catch a break!

but I will have what mom needs and I had a long talk with my BFF and I am sure she will be there for me all the way, but she is 2 hrs away with a family so ya just glad to feel poison free...I purged on FB too told the world how I couldn't help my dad! and I have never felt more relieved! idk day by day all I can do...

as long as I show up to the party I will feel I did my best!

And what was so amazing about what I did, it was effortless...I layed in bed with cell and a pen n paper like usual to start writing notes etc... and the worker text me...Patient Advocate calls me, fiduciary returns call immediately sr srvcs is at there desk first time in history and she wasn't a ttl B%$^$# that I was prepared to deal with that why isn't she on Medicaid crap...I am sick of her shoving medicad at me everytime I ask for help that is all she offers and this time I politely explaned I get frustrated with this dance. Please make a note in your file "no Medicaid" and open that file when I call you! then we can spend our time making progress..instead of me reexplaining our whole financial plan to you each time I need something!!! Now their is a respite program she is sending.
it was all so easy...a friend did a prayer group at her church sunday and Monday was effortless....I could not have held it together If I got the usual runaround....with each task!!!

Just want to share good news!

and the caregiver was text to say no thanks cuz she had no time...and when I called her and just wanted to know what she new about certification cuz nobody on registery has time...I told her I am desperate I have a friend but not certified...need to find this for my mom fast! next thing I know she is coming 2wice week in eve... I had been battleing with old gal...I wanted to split shift 2 days/wk and get some eves cuz I dying for social life...she woud refuse to budge..she quit, no notice over it, went on attack on way out too Karma the best part is KARMA. I get what I want without the stress of having to do much...Just like my brothers... I just wanted to be left alone and his actions he put the effort into did it for me.....pain but karma or whatever.
BREATHE.... I just know I am going to be ok now!

I mean she was my last hope and I was like s***....when I got her text. n just thinking we together got a solution....a month ago I would not even have answered the text...wudda been "great typical, lemme jump on the pity pot and sit for a while"

Wow! I grew up in a totally dysfunctional household to the point where I had to sever ties with my mother for 13 years, at age 30, to preserve my sanity. Therapists (there've been many) agreed i had done the right thing. Four years later I "came back", with the "olive branch", to try & rectify things. They were ok for a few months, but then it was back to the same psychotic behavior from her. & then she started getting sick, and now suddenly I'm the one who's her 24/7 caretaker! When she was released a couple of months ago from hip surgery NH rehab, the diagnoses list on the paperwork listed, among many other afflictions, chronic psychiatric problems, and also chronic personality disorder. It was the first time I had seen those words in black and white, describing the mother I knew throughout my whole teenagehood was totally crazy, but back then I had so larger perspective to put it in. All I knew was that I couldn't stand it! I was so blown away to see that someone else noticed it too, decades later. I love my mother, despite her problems, & I had wanted to help her, but I have a feeling that dealing with someone who has 3rd stage dementia on TOP of a dual diagnosis HAS to be more difficult than otherwise! This feels so much like a deja vu of growing up with her, except now I can't go away. THIS IS SO HARD. I know. Nobody ever said life was fair.

I meant to say i had "no" larger perspective to put it in....

Rosebud, it definitely sucks. You're back where u started but worse. When she drives you crazy, feel free come back and vent. It definitely works

I cant help it now....OMG my mother just greeted me in her usual way...then added out of the blue looking right into my eyes.."I love you...there Is some good stuff going on in there"...
I FREAKING KID YOU NOT....POWER OF PRAYER AND POSITIVITY!

Sharynmarie,

I realize that you have posted in the recent past about your sister being forgetful.
This last post however, does raise some extra concern, especially the part about her possible cognitive issues, reflected in the "plastic bag," example.

I was searching some information about Zoloft. I found something on Youtube.
It explained that many of the anti-depressant medications work on the Seratonin
levels, and how the body uses them. When someone has been on this drug for about a month, it changes the way Seratonin is used in the system, and also
sounds as if the brain starts to stop making it. This could explain one of the side effects, insomnia. The other thing that occurs, is the tolerance issue. The system starts to become accustomed to the medication, and now the body needs more, hence possibly this is when doctor's increase the dosage.

Definitely, I could understand your concern too, if you are talking about, she having blackouts, and then not being able to remember anything after them.
Is your sister the type of person who questions any of the medications given to her by her doctor? Another side effect is the fact is really messes with women's hormones. So I'm sure I don't have to go into what that entails! HAAH!
Oh, our hormones! They always want to come in there and cause some kind of mess, don't they!!

I know with the recent problems we were having with mom, and her medications for ALZ. I'd written about the fact my sister started to make inquiries about this matter to mom's doctor. Unfortunately, the doctor tried explaining this away by telling my sister to monitor our mom, etc. That's when my sister threw her hands in the air, and told me, "how does one monitor someone, who is perpetually comatose." The medications given were just making mom be in a complete stupor, sleeping constantly. Finally just about the time mom started to have the gallbladder issue, is when my sister made the decision to completely stop the meds.

A bit after this time period, I wrote about a caregiving visit I'd made, where I witnessed mom being very wide awake, now w/o medications. During this time,
she was not sleeping much at night. The other added element in this was; she was keeping my sister up all night long. My sister has returned to giving mother, I believe, half the dose of the medication. Mom is sleeping again, but it appears it's not as if she is so knocked out as when she was on the full dosage.

Anyway, I know things appear to be tense right now between you and your sister on different levels. If I'm having tension with my sister, I just do not bring added subjects up that may cause more.....explaining, then having to hear her counter points, etc. You know how they say, "Leave well enough alone," well I say, "Leave bad enough alone, too." HAAH!

I hope you get better from that pinched nerve in your arm.
I had that a few years ago. I went to the doctor for it, because it was on my left arm. Things were o.k., but it was pinched, possibly from a fall I'd had a few years prior. The doc just said to take an anti-inflammatory. So I did, which helped with pain, then I could sleep.

Hugs, take care,
Much Love & Light! Margeaux

rosebud -I recognize what you are saying. M mother was diagnosed a few years ago with Borderline Personality Disorder. She is narcissistic and is increasingly paranoid. I have cut myself off periodically - for months and once fir a year -for my own mental health. I had diagnosed her informally many years ago and it was a relief to hear the professionals say it. She is 101 now and pretty healthy physically and lives un an ALF. I could not possibly take her into my home and I don't know how you do it. I a 75 now and have my own health issues, but would never have been able to take her in. It isn't easy as it is, and emotional abuse still sets off a lot of stress at times. Take care. I love my mother too, and want to help her as I can, but have had to emotionally detach as much as I am able. Be sure you look after you!

Margeaux - medication could be an issue -the blackouts would really concern me but you can't make another person do what you would like...

Waiting for a phone call from my mother's ex doctor's office to find out what happened at her last visit with him. The nurse said he has seen him 8 times, so he should have a good idea about her issues, and she also said that they looked after her very well. I said that I knew.

Mother seems to ne on a high right now as "the scheme to get her out of her ALF" hasn't worked. Her paranoia is increasing, I can't go down this week, but maybe in a week or two.

sharyn - the business of having everyone agree is familiar to me. Mother wants everyone "on her side" and gets upset if you disagree - no matter how carefully you phrase it.

have a good day all!

Interesting.......

I went to relieve the caregiving situation end of last week, and I have not heard anything from my sister.

I thought her request was rather strange, when I thought about it later.
She called me late Thursday night, stating that the daytime caregiver had just phoned her saying she was unable to show up Friday.

So this is where I enter the picture. Now my sister called me, and asked me first, if I could do a favor for her. I asked what that was, and she told me of the dilemma with the caregiver. So I said, "yes, I'll go be with mom." So I thought that was that. She now goes on to tell me, that I pick mom up, and take her to my place. I live something like 37 miles away, in a big city. Friday being probably the worst day for traffic. My sister works in the downtown area. So her request was that she'd just pick mom up after work.

After it was all said and done, I realized, that my sister was not only asking a favor of me, but she was telling me how to do it. Anyway, I'd posted about the fact that when I arrived at mom's, now the caregiver was there. But later this caregiver left about noon w/my sister's daughter (the one w/newborn baby).
I stayed there with mom. The plan suggested by my sister about taking mom across town fell through because mom, I felt just wasn't up to moving about.

As I was there at moms, I was watching the news. Suddenly, there was all of this very dramatic news just a few blocks where I live in which there were some killings, and lot's of police presence. It was so bad, that they advised no one go into the area, unless they were residents. All of these events sealed the deal w/me, as to my decision of taking mom across town to my place.

I called my sister sometime in the afternoon to tell her about the change in the plan. I also gave her all of the aforementioned reasons. My sister had no idea what was going on in terms of my neighborhood news, of course since she was at work.

I left mom's home about 5:30 that evening, once the evening caregiver show up to take over. Well, it is now Tues., and I find it quite interesting that my sister has not so much as called. I say this especially given the events that occurred in our neighborhood. One would think that she would call just to see whether my husband and me are o.k., and to properly thank me.

I'm wondering whether, she got her feathers ruffled, since there were other factors FOR ME to consider about taking my mom to my place that day.
I must admit, I feel a bit stupid for allowing my sister to do this. Have to keep my boundaries up! She is such a manipulator. My cue should have been, when she said, "Can I ask you for a favor."
Margeaux

yes. Margeaux - keep your boundaries up. I think your sis is a user and it is all about control. You would think she would show some concern for you and your hubby. You definitely made the right call not taking your mum out of her home that day.

juju -prayer does work!!!

talked with the nurse from my mother's ex-doctor's office and nothing transpired as mother told me, She went there stating they had asked her to go there to get a new prescription for her inhaler (nasal) when in fact they have told her that the pharmacy can fax them. Nothing was said about her head bump or about her going to a new facility. The head nurse was in the examining room all the time. Nor did mother tell the doctor that he was not her doctor any more. So this is all in her head. Nevertheless, I think she is still capable of living where she is. She is convinced there is a plot to turf her out and send her somewhere "down south. She is looking for a new doctor with the help of a young couple from the church. She has burned up so many relationships in that church, but more people seem to keep coming.

And pigs flew again - she said that something was not my cousin's fault, it was her fault!!!! That's twice now! Maybe with decline things are changing a bit!

Having read many posts on this forum, I know there is no point in challenging her paranoid assumptions. Right now she feels I am on her side and that is good. She is after me to order her a rocking chair for her small bedroom and I have to figure out how to deal with that. Worst comes to worst they will deliver it and she will see it doesn't fit and they will have to take it back.

Have a great day everyone and - look after you! ((((((((hugs))))))) Joan

Rosebud~I guess in some ways we were lucky my mom never had problems with people outside the family because she presented her fake self to them and was excellent at maintaining that persona at work. At home, she was her true self and if the people she worked with heard what she said about them, they would not have been friends with her. Hang in there and come back to vent or just share.
Joan~Sorry your infection is flaring up. I commend you for calling your mother's dr. to get more info on your mother's visits. Now you know more and that your mother is probably telling you what she wants you to hear. Time will tell if dementia is coming in the picture and I hope for your sake it isn't. Take care, hoping you feel better quickly.
Margeaux~Thank you for looking up info on zoloft. What I found was a forum on Yahoo where people posted having the loss of time issue, not remembering what happened during that time, and mild hallucinations. These people felt that the benefit of the drug outweighed the side effects even with those that felt they had mild bipolar side effects. I have taken prozac and wellbutrin at different times with great success, I did not care for paxil...felt it did nothing for me. I didn't have side effects. My sis's cognitive issue regarding the plastic bag conversation, I really think it is a side effect as well, she wasn't like that 4-5 months ago. I suspect that because my sis was demoted at work, she may be afraid to ask for time off during the week to help at mom's house. She said both bosses have seen her sleeping at her desk and she is waiting for them to call her in to talk about it. I have been after her for a year now to check her blood sugar during these low energy times at work but she won't do it because the dr.'s told her to only test her blood sugar in the morning and again at night. Yes my sister has questioned her PCP about these side effects and she has referred my sis to a psychiatrist because it is out of her level of knowledge. I am just backing away from her so she can hopefully work it out.
My arm is getting better, I am rotating ice packs and heat and while this post is long, I am limiting time on the computer since using my arm typing, the mouse,causes tingling...the pain is better though. In regards to your sister, your observations are right on target. You know what to do with the boundaries, we all slip from time to time. Hang in there!!
Take care everyone and Hugs to all!!

Joan~I got a chuckle when you posted on the wrong thread....been there done that, LOL!!

sharyn - glad your arm is getting better. I truly do not think my mother is telling what she wants me to hear. I think she believes it. She has been increasingly paranoid over the past 6 or 7 years after an episode in hospital where, according to her, she had low sodium. She was never the same after that. She has hopped from one doctor to another since she has been in Edmonton, so that is not new, but to completely misrepresent what happened to that degree is new as far as I know. But unless you are there, or as I did this morning, call whoever else was concerned, you don't know. I do believe she thinks there is a scheme to get her into a nursing home. This has been going on for a while. I think it is related to her fears of going into a nursing home. Now she says the fight to move her out is over for now - but it has been quite a fight!!! Not sure who she has been fighting with - it is all in her head.

I will have to deal with the chair. She needs it NOW! She says she sits in discomfort while I sit in comfort in HER chair. The violins are playing!!! Oh, the guilt trips lol. I am going out for a breath of fresh air.

Joan~Oh, I guess I wasn't understanding completely regarding the paranoia part...I am sorry. i was thinking it was more along the lines of manipulation, I totally understand the believing the paranoia because I know my mother does too. Even as progressed as she is, as recent as last night, she called (because I took midget out of the community permanently, yesterday) saying, "if I had kids who cared about me and that I could depend on, this wouldn't be happening." She truly believes this but I don't want to let it get me down...it does hurt...just like your mother's paranoia hurts and is frustrating to deal with. I am thinking about you, sending prayers that your mother will be more receptive, less combative. Hugs to you!!