The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Holiday time - time for dysfunction levels to ratched up. EVERY year we get the guilt-tripping because we will drive the six hours to visit my mom BEFORE or AFTER Christmas Day but NOT ON the day itself. Our young son loves opening presents, then Christmas Day Mass, then board games, and snowy walks vs sitting in a car all day for a three hour visit. Yesterday I got the "I might as well just die now" to which I said nothing - just let her vent, finally "I love you, gotta go" and was accused of being unfeeling. I am  unfeeling - this happens every year and has been for eight years. When my son was two, we were driving the long drive back during a snow storm - he was squalling in the back, my husband and I were sniping and each other and we decided - no more. Christmas needs to mean more than sitting in a car. I am so used to it that I have a hard time caring. She refuses to see us this year on any day but Dec 25th and vents that she will spend Christmas Day all alone, as usual. Makes me want to hibernate until January 2.

Also, my dad died about a month ago, so my mom is insisting that I no longer need to see my stepmom (who I adore and has been with our family nearly 30 years - met dad years after the divorce). I don't lie to my mom - I told her that stepmom was planning a get together with my stepbrothers and family on the 15th and that we would be going. Did she want us to stop by and see her since we would be in the same town? Fireworks (crying and yelling) that we would still see stepmom to which I replied "whether we see her or not, that is our business. All you need to tell us is should we see you when we are in town?" to which she told me to F myself. I said "I love you, but you can't talk to me that way. Why don't we speak later" and hung up.

so yesterday got a letter in the mail from my mom - five pages - double sided = ten pages with underlining, capitalization, and exclamation points about what a chitty daughter I am yada yada yada. Well at least she got that off her chest. I'm not going to call her for awhile and just send a card for Christmas. I'm tired of dealing with this - 50 years -

Number 3 - my IN LAWS demand that we come and spend Christmas with them. We both live in areas that have snow and the connecting flight is in an airport that gets snow. We have never flown for Christmas WITHOUT getting stranded due to an issue with one of the three airports and winter. So we just don't travel over Christmas. They brow beat us about it every year and refuse to come our way for the same reasons, but because they are older - we are supposed to suck it up. My husband has said no - we'll come at Easter like we always do. They responded that if we take our annual trip in February to Palm Springs they will be upset. My husband told them that February is not Christmas and has nothing to do with coming for Easter. They hung up on him.

We go through this E V E R Y year. As soon as Thanksgiving is over - we know the next phone call will deal with mom and IN LAWs demands and manipulation. One reason I love my stepmom so much is that my dad also participated in the demands and manipulation and pouting about holidays and who goes where / when and who we are NOT supposed to see. When they started dating she told him to knock it off or he would just drive us away. He actually listened to her and would end a visit with "what time should we wrap up so you can stop by and see your mom" without any manipulation etc.

Anyway - I hope you all enjoy your holidays.

Kimber, I wish we could bookmark posts for reference, because your post would be so helpful to someone trying to learn how to set boundaries and keep them. I know this is frustrating and tiring to have to deal with this drama on both sides, but you are doing a terrific job disengaging, protecting your own family and doing it with respect to boot. Your stepmom gave your dad very wise advice and it paid off well for them. BTW, from stepmoms everywhere, thank you for cherishing your bonus parent and nurturing that relationship.

If visiting relatives comprimizes your mental health over the holidays, then don't visit them or at least stay in a hotel so you can get away.

Linda -  my stepmom came into my life when I was about 30 and she has been more nurturing to me than my own mom. I have to filter what I share with my mom - I can never have any worries or problems but always be the one who is doing OK. With my stepmom and I can talk and it always stays just with us. She only offers advice when asked - then it is damn good advice. She was a young mom under 30 with three boys when her 1st husband died of cancer - diagnosis to death 3 months. She had to support them all. She ran a day care for 30 years and her "kids" so loved her that she got invited to graduations and weddings and baby showers etc.  She is someone I can totally be myself with and she always takes the emotion out of a situation before addressing - so she is extremely helpful. God bless stepmoms because they usually come into a messy situation.

Kimber - Big hugs! You are doing and saying all the right things RE your mom. Hubby is managing his parents equally well. 👍🏼

I truly believe there is a special place in h*ll for Holiday Harpies who fixate on “the day.” If your love and your kind gestures don’t count on the other 364 days of the year, it says more about your critics than it does about you. Stand firm and create meaningful traditions for your core household.

Your stepmom mom is a ray of light in all the weirdness. Continue to cherish her. (Not that you wouldn’t!)

As I was growing up and growing out, there were a handful of non-blood adults in my life who showed me how adults should really act. I am forever grateful to them.

Hang in there, Kimber. Find your joy wherever you can. Open your heart to the good moments, good songs and good sights in December. 🧡

fraz - what got me was the your visitors came uninvited, inconvenienced your family, created drama, got offended, then ended up being begged to stay with you. WT*!!! I am glad the kids, and the adults, to a degree, had a good time, but...The bed bugs were just the icing on this cake which, IMO should never have been baked. Now they know they can come uninvited, and you guys will bend over backwards to accommodate them. Hope you have no more bed bugs and no more visits of this kind.

tambra - my condolences in the loss of your sis. Come and vent any time and please look after your BP. Is it time to look for other arrangements for your mum and dad? It sounds like it is very hard on you. Glad you had fun with your kids and grandkids. I know that helped.

duck -sorry to hear about your cousin. It sounds like she is quite ill. So glad you had a good thanksgiving.

needhope - it sure helps knowing we are not alone, Re the cheesecake, it was frozen in the first place and on the package said not to refreeze. I really didn't need any more!!!

tg - happy for you that you got a break and also understanding from your sis.. WooHoo!!! And that you are planning arrangements so you can have more breaks. That is great. Selfish - not at all. You just want your life back which is very normal and healthy.

cmag - good points. I identify. There was no positive feedback from mother - just the storm or the "calm" before the storm when you could see the storm was building. Staying in a hotel when visiting difficult relatives is a great idea -only way to go for me.

ali - it takes a lot of work to overcome the negative tapes -a life time. Saw somewhere you have a new room mate, I do hope it works out very well for both of you.

Kimber - oh dear, that brought back memories of Christmases (and other important occasions) past. Doing the undo-able, setting boundaries, getting scathing letters, and the "poor me" story. Once I cut mother off for a year. It was a good year. So happy for you that your stepmom is in your life. But your in laws - aaargh -another set of narcissists. They can demand all they like. The answer is still "No!" So glad you take your holidays and trips when you want to with a clear conscience

Linda - wise words

blackhole - I am so grateful too for the "normal" (non-parent) adults in the life as I was growing up. Girl friend's mums, friends of my parents, even aunts and uncles.

Next Wednesday is mother's annual case meeting and I had planned to go down and be there and see her awake. But, I am having a major FM flareup and am not sure I can go, I am really torn two ways about it. I do want to see her and be there at the meeting. However, if I don't get better pretty soon, I don't think I can do it - too much fatigue, stiffness, and pain. I was doing so well with the FM until this week. I will adjust my diet back to where it was (more green tea and cruciferous veggies) hoping that will help. Meanwhile my only recourse is painkillers and anti-inflammatories.

To complicate life further, the greyhound bus service here has terminated. I took a new alternative last time. It was convenient and I planned on using it, but found out yesterday that it didn't last long and has now been replaced by yet another bus line which has terminals in very inconvenient places. So I will fall back on the "luxury" bus, Red Arrow, which, when combined with taxis, gives me the best service, if a little expensive.

The next couple of days I will hobble around and get packed so I am ready, and make my final decision Monday, the day I planned to travel,. Flare ups can go as fast as they come.

If I can't make it, they will include me by telephone, which works though is not the best. Oh well, this too will pass - hopefully soon.

Greyhound service has changed here in Ontario too Golden, when I checked online about schedules I was dismayed to see only two buses each day on what was a busy corridor, and the times are very inconvenient. I hope you improve enough to attend the meeting and check over your mother - travel is only going to get worse over the next few months (which you know better than I).

cwillie - Western Canada has lost Greyhound altogether. "Greyhound Canada is ending its passenger bus and freight services in Alberta, Saskatchewan and Manitoba, and cancelling all but one route in B.C. — a U.S.-run service between Vancouver and Seattle."

New businesses are scrambling to take over. The issue seems to be financial (declining ridership) so who knows if the new ones will survive. Thankfully travelling by bus works pretty well here even in the worst weather.

I sympathize about the Christmas drama. I have come to realize that a lot of it is my own thoughts towards my family. I've always seethed with resentment over the little dis I get from sis every year. We all pile in the doorway, she greets every one but me and then I get the "Oh, I didn't see you back there" Uh, hello, I'm 5' 9", used to be 5' 10'. Not sure how she could miss me. I know it's her way of putting me in my place. Her way of saying, I'm not very noticeable. That usually gets me pissed off and then everything has a way of snowballing after that.

But one thing I've learned finally after many, many sucky Christmases is if I lower my expectations really, really low, I can tolerate it. I sure miss my Mom and my late brother though. She was my angel and he was my partner in crime. We used to sit together and have good laughs under our breaths. The anniversary of his death is tomorrow actually. Ah, my dear, dear brother.

Golden, sorry you are having problems with F M. I hope you can still make it to your Mom's review.

UGH! Now, here we go again. TS2 thinks she can charge the estate for years as executor. Does she not even know that it has been 1.5 years? Does she not know that being POA she would have had to submit expenses before now? Or does she? The state limits the amount that the executor can charge the estate. No documentation?

She said " There will be deductions for the hours I put in over the years for executor."

Maybe I should submit a bill since expense before mom's death still seem to be open for collection. Gosh, I hate this!

Oh glad, that is terrible. She really is a case. She hasn't been executor for years!!!

Have not responded yet. Trying to figure out what to say and do. Maybe get a free 30 minute consult. Though I am not the least bit surprised by this. Almost expected. I do not want to do this again.

And she paid $500.00+ a month for storage of fabric for four years now. Just UGH!

Oh gosh. A consultation might be worth it. Is she still paying $500+/month for fabric storage? That's dreadful.

She said they have now moved the fabrics to an indoor storage that is much cheaper. Maybe ts2's home and now she is charging the estate for if? I put nothing past her.

That might be it. The fabrics should be sold as part of the estate - right?

Yup, some have been donated. She wants to keep the "special" fabrics. But in storage for four years?! Guess maybe they will not sell, she must not be trying too hard.

If she wants to keep some, I would think legally she would have to buy them from the estate. It is her job to liquidate assets, Thank goodness mother's are all on paper,

Talked with a friend down there and she said there was a white out this am and the highway is bad, Snow is expected all weekend and it is warm enough that the road melts then freezes so it gets quite slippery. I am still aching and very tired, so I think the answer is to stay here and do a conference call. 5-6 hours of travel each way is too much for me right now.

Golden, you just stay home, warm and safe. Don't forget to get feeling much better too.

Gershun

can you get into a little mischief yourself tomorrow? Bro and mom will be right there with you in spirit

gershun - thx, Sorry I missed your post last night. The fm affects everything. My deepest condolences on the loss of your brother. You lost a brother and a friend from the sound of it. I am so sorry. One year anniversaries are hard. Why do "good ones" in a family go first?

My sis plays those kind of games too -slipping in a "nasty" in front of others that sounds fairly harmless on the surface, but she knows how to get through my armour. That's why I stay away from her as much as possible. I can't change her, but I can change what I do. It is not nice visiting with someone who puts you down. Her behaviour is not welcoming. Here's an idea, if you go, Be the first one in the door and go up to sis and say "Merry Christmas, sis!" Then she can't miss you. Not having your mum and your bro there for support would make it more than doubly hard for you, I sure understand if you decide not to go, If you do , lowering expectations is a very good thing. ((((((hugs)))))) Madge's idea is good for today.

glad - I feel much relieved having made the decision to stay home, and just a tad guilty, but nothing unmanageable. It's awful how that guilt still hooks us, Still aching, but not as groggy/foggy as I was the past few days.

I think I have gone off coffee - what a loss!!!! Tea it is! Maybe I will get my coffee habit back eventually, I hope so. ☕☕☕ 💔💔💔

Those little verbal slights are typical of how my older bro treats me. I remember one time, I was ironing a shirt for him and he was making jokes about how I lost my mind during caregiving.

-- I'm doing him a favor.

-- He finds it a good time to make snarky remarks to me about what a hard time I've had with caregiving.

That example sums up my beef with him. He has no sense in how to be decent, much less kind, to me. Even when I was very much in need of some kindness, all he contributed was criticism.

Hugs, Gershun. A sibling-friend is a tough loss, as is the loss of your loving mom.

ali - this behaviour, though the remarks may be short, has some heavy implications in my mind. "when I was very much in need of some kindness, all he contributed was criticism." That sums it up well. My sis even criticized how I was grieving the loss of my son. So did mother for that matter. Who needs it?

Ali & Gershun- I know what you mean about the cutting remarks. My mom's mom (Ngrandmother) is the master at those. One reason I no longer speak to her (among many). Same with sis, except she will be SO nice to your face and have the knife waiting as soon as you turn your back. It's how she was able to bilk mom out of most of her savings, and it was a while before we could even prove anything, until mom's attorney started investigating. She makes all of her cutting remarks behind my back, and her and Ngrandmother have helped alienate my oldest daughter, who has mental health issues of her own, from my husband and I. Golden is right, who needs the criticism and negativity? Actually with family like that, who needs enemies even?

Glad - Sorry you are going through this with your sis. I can't believe the gall of some of these twisted sisters that think they are entitled. The greed is just unreal.

Golden - Yes, I think you should stay home and take care of you. Good decision to do the consult by phone. You need time to heal and feel better.

You are right about the situation this past Thanksgiving weekend with my in-laws. I went ahead and caved this time mainly because I know my husband has been missing his out of state family, and we've had so much going in this year with mom and him being busy at work that we haven't made it down to see them.

Hubs and I did have a talk afterwards and decided that if it happens again, we will have to tell them to make other plans, especially if we already have plans, as we did this time. I still don't understand why they got offended. I mean, I would not expect anyone to drop their plans for me at the last minute. Or be mad that they aren't just sitting around waiting for me on a holiday morning. His family is not quite as bad about the drama as mine, but I think it helps that we live out of state.

I'm really hoping and praying we didn't get bedbugs. We vaccuumed pretty much everything, beds, furniture, carpet, etc. and threw everything we could into the dryer, and washed all the linens and laundry. From what I understand, it's expensive if you end up having to call an exterminator and they are hard to get rid of. It just gives me the heebie jeebies because I don't do creepy crawlies.

For me, caregiving really highlighted my family’s emotional limitations.

I was never optimistic about their ability to be supportive. But the past 5-6 years have been such an eye-opener. Ugly-but-true stories popping out of the closet. People who meant well (and people who didn’t mean well) clinging to their short-sightedness at any cost.

It’s impossible for me to sum it up in one takeaway. I had about a dozen takeaways.

But this one jumps out: I was the #1 ringleader in my mother’s caregiving. Yet participants #2 through #?? would frequently doubt, deny or refute whatever I reported about my mother’s situation.

I’m evolved enough to understand that their gaslighting was (primarily) a manifestation of their own denial. That doesn’t make it any less exhausting, or any less invalidating.

Post-caregiving and post-estate follies, the only way I could move forward was to create some distance. And I’m fine with that.

I have brothers and sister who have not helped in any way shape or form, I have been mothers caregiver for the last 25 years a job I did not asked for but family ran left me stuck when I injured my back after all this time I have dealt with financial, verbal abuse, destroyed hopes of romance because family would back out at last minute because of some imaginary family crisis, the last go around sister promised to watch mother because of me pleading to help me because I was burnt out I need a few days away spend time with a GF to find a little peace from the constant verbal crap from mother and the overall stress, she backed out 2 days before I was to leave, NOW no more GF, known her 25 years gone, she had enough I don't blame her, but sister is claiming to be the victim of my anger, They are pissed because mom home was signed over to me but they will not listen I put in 70,000 to make it safe warm and livable for mom house is only appraised at 82,700. Do I have any legal course to collect from siblings who refused to help physical and financially and never even asking me if i would take care of mom and step dad. I am burnt out cannot afford to hire some one to stay with mom and with her abuse no one wants the job

Thank-you Golden, Send, Ali, Madge for your kind words.

Actually, Golden my dear brother died in 2003 so this is not a recent loss. I still can't believe it's been this long already. He was only 57. The same age that I am now. He was a nut. Sort of like my second father as my real one died when I was very young. He did all kinds of special things for me growing up. Took me out to my first bar when I was only sixteen. Yes, I know................... LOL I'll always remember that day. He took me to Fairweather's. A store here in Canada for those of you who live in the States. Bought me this crazy top. Gold shiny fabric. Really soft. Then he took me out for a really nice dinner and then off to the club we went. One of the best days of my life actually. He was so funny too. He made me laugh so hard sometimes that I would have to sit down so I wouldn't pee. One time we went to the fair here that they have in the summer and I had to sit right on the hard ground cause I was laughing so hard. He was really into sports cars too. We would go for drives in his latest one and he would get onto the highway and say "lets's see what this thing has got" I was scared but excited just the same. He was smart as hell. Knew all the answers on Jeopardy. Talented too. A great musician. Played the piano and won awards for his playing. He taught piano among other things. I'll say it right here. He was gay! Nobody judge. He had a hard life because of it. It wasn't easy to be a gay man when he was growing up. I'm sure it still isn't. But he lost his partner to Aids and basically became his partners caregiver. He was never the same after that. He lost his spark. No, he didn't die of Aids although he was H I V positive. Losing him was almost as hard as losing my Mom. He lived with her his last five years and I always thought he'd have taken care of her in her declining years cause he became a nurse among all his other talents. She took his loss so hard. I really thought she would die of a broken heart. I know when I was mom's care giver that he was right there with me helping out.

But anyway, let this be my little tribute to him. My dear brother...........I love you and miss you. :(

Gershun,
Such a loving tribute to your brother!

Isn't that what everyone really needs, is someone to spend time with us, creating memories?

Awww Gershun. You’re making me cry! A lovely tribute to a lovely man.

And three years of the time sis may claim fees for financial management? A conservator was being paid a very high rate (even according to the judge)! I and conservator were doing the financial work! Have not contacted an attorney yet, maybe the same one that is familiar with the situation?