
Many of us, myself included, come from a dysfunctional family which adds a lot of weight to the challenges of caregiving. I have read stores on various threads on other topics and decided it would be good to have a thread just for this topic for people to share, vent and discuss.
The idea for this thread originated on the thread named "The Caregiver....How are YOU doing today?"
Prayers back for you and (((((((hugs))))))
Can anyone share information with me on getting adult diapers through Medicare at a discount rate.
was a great day and I have no more poison in my heart for the system and not doing enough or being able to do enuf! Now I can just love my mom without guilt for failing her and the whole family! I am free!
THANKS GUYS FOR PUTTING UP WITH ME...CANT WAIT TO CHECK PULSE TOMORO!
there is something really wrong with a hospital that you have to tremble in fear of using and nearly stroke you out.....I mean I got a big enuf job already and to have to fite tooth n nail to correct the system that is killing my parents, ughhhhhh LORD GIVE ME THE STRENGTH, IM GONNA HAVE TO PULL THIS ONE OUT MY%SS..
but without them stroking me out I mite not be on this site.. so anyway trying to cope but just my whole strategy with them will crumble if that statement is true above...and I wont be as confident I got em.....it will be harder fite yada yada
and I cant seem to find this answer easily. could anyone here help me?
I got her files yesterday it was supposed to include the two complaints the 'PATEINT ADVOCATE' had assured me had been addressed.... she assured me! she would get it taken care of...when mom's treatment was bothched
I told her clearly my job is to take care of my mom your job is to take care of me! she agreed and promised it would be handled...so I get a phonecall week later. they have made a thourouth investigation and found no wrong doing on hsptl part
so I want those records and they tell me I do not have a right to them?
I just need to know what is the patient advocate suppose to do for you anyway
i have no idea cause they haven't done squat! that is most urgent and a see if i can get new social worker...i do not want the same one anymore....her eyes glaze over and she sez Medicaid is the only solution, other than putting unskilled workers in home with fraiL sick people....there has got to be more. so ya turns out, anyone can walk off the street take a four hour class and be left to care for my mom! omg i should go after them to,,,,but i need them so babystep just see if i really got a case or not. I am so anxious now cause ma got me scared,,,,,
they missed L1 fracture in april, mom had not been walking since her april stint in ER for a fall out the wheelchair. when i took her in for ribs i sed u need to recheck her and whammo....3rd completely botched and i have been draggin her around since then...previous she was on 2step xfer...I am pissed off, who is paying for my back! and Arthritic hands
I have done a pile of reading and it seems that mother likely has delusional disorder - the paranoia. She fits the description for it as her cognitive abilities are still good but she believes there is a plot against her.. This may or may not lead to dementia. She fits the criteria for that form of paranoia, as well as narcissism, and Borderline PD. Definitely the paranoia is getting worse, so I just have to watch and see what happens. If she starts failing in managing her finances, for example, it would indicate a slide towards dementia and a need for an evaluation. Otherwise, she is fine where she is. I ordered her a chair for her spare/TV room once she realised she will have to move the bed over, so she is happy - for a while.
Rain continues to be forecast, so I am going nowhere except the short trip to BC with G next week. Parts of the city are flooded, and the main hiways were closed for a while due to flooding, so I am not tackling the drive. though the bus would be safe.Thankfully, mother seems t have forgotten that I said I would come.
Peaceful again for now. I am thankful for that. Hope everyone is having a decent day. Love and hugs - Joan
Good for you for training Midget. Is she a poodle? They are smart. I do think dysfunctional people have dysfunctional pets. When my parents chose a dog for us they chose one with a pedigree (elitism), which also had a temperament problem (anger) so he could not be shown in the dog shows and that is why they were selling him. This for a pet for a family with young children? Inevitably, he bit a neighbourhood child and had to be put down. Another family trauma! It was not handled well. He was a lovely dog in many ways but his temper flared at times -I have a scar to prove it.
Your sister's problem is you??? I don't think so, sharyn!!! Why do you say that?
Her sarcasm is obvious because I know her...I am thinking it may be best I don't show up on Saturday. Apparently I have stepped on her toes and I really don't want to deal with her.
I know what you mean about your mother with the paranoid issue. You have a good handle on it even though it is frustrating and time consuming. Thanks for listening to my rant!! Hugs to you!!
Wondering how everyone is - cmag is your mum still improving and perhaps back in the nursing home?
I have some hugs I will answer - been downed with an infection flare up this week. Gotta stay in top of it better - takes too much out of me.
On a different note, I was disposing of some of those foam popcorn thingies that come as packing in boxes and spilled a few in the kitchen so thought I would just take the box outside and dump it in the recyclable plastic bin. Well the edge of the box caught pn the bin and I dumped them in the grass which is fairly long in the area. So instead of picking them up in my comfortable kitchen I was picking them out of the mosquito infested grass outside!!! Not impressed with myself! I put on one if the clip-on mosquito repellant things. Maybe it helped, but I got quite a few bites. Oh well, this too will pass.
Have a good evening, everyone!
Tiger and midget can be in the same room together now, but I have to keep midget on a leash, she will sit (most of the time) when I tell her too. I dont trust her completely around the cat because she gets this look in her eyes, occasionally tries to go to tiger, don't know if she will bite tiger, but if she does...a little 13lb dog vs. a 16lb cat with claws...the fur will fly, LOL!!
Joan~A flood...wow, is that a seasonal thing you have to deal with, hope your not too stranded for long.
Sharyn, when I speed read, I think I missed a vital information. I didn’t know that your mom has moved to memory care. I figured it would have happened sooner. I laughed aloud when your figured out your sister’s problem- was you! ;) Yep, give her number to the callers. As POA, that is her responsibility. You do know that she will blame you, right?
Yes, my father has named me the main person trying to kill him. He’s telling everyone – family, govt caregivers, the hospital staff….except, I can’t
Mom wasn't getting help with her personal hygiene.
she hadn't been to a doctor in 8 mo. the reason I was given was she hasn't been sick.
she hadn't been given her Meds properly. There is a lot more I saw wrong but I will go on to the next subject. There was a family discussion with a sibling that was suppose to be taking care of her and I advised her of my observations . The excuse I received was, well her boyfriend he is 84 asked for help that is why we have to decided where to place Mom. I suggested her moving with me and all hell broke loose. there was no ways she was moving out of state, Why should I take her when I haven't been around to help since the onset of her Dementia. I bit my tongue because I didn't want to start a bigger family war by using the word "neglect" . These family members see Mom once a week for 30 min. they had left her complete care to Moms boyfriend, but they controlled the finances.
My Mom has lucid moments where she can hold a short conversation sat with me for a day very concerned for my health when I had a hospital emergency visit and asked me how I felt or did I need anything. when these thing were relayed to the family. I was wrong Mom is going down hill fast etc. etc. After thorough investigation there was no Power of Atty, there was no Health Care Proxy. All legal with an Atty, I took Mom to the bank and we found monthly withdrawals on her Acct. I asked her boyfriend if he knew about them and he said yes, my ---------- didn't want to have to pay taxes on the joint acct. so it was kept a a minimum. I closed the acct and Mom reopened it with me. My family has no idea I did any of this and will find out this week end.
Everytime I tried to inquire as to Moms financial status before doing all this I was met with no answers or vague answers or accusations of only wanting Moms money. I make 3x's as much as my mother and don't need her money.
My home is paid for we would have everything we need and she would have a free healthcaregiver. So my question to all of you is how do I deal with this should I move in with my Mom here or take the chance of it being too traumatic to take her away from her customary environment. thank you for reading this
book -I agree - sharyn - give the businesses your sis's phone number - not your job to be middle man. Sorry your dad is so paranoid, book and is focussing on you.
sharyn I think it is good to back off. You are doing well with the pets. cats can do a lot of damage if they want to and at 16 lbs Tiger is a big cat.
momycaregiver - welcome to the thread. What a situation you have to deal with! I have been thinking about it and my gut reaction is to get her out of there and cared for well, but there are a number of considerations. Certainly she is not being cared for properly now and maybe being taken advantage of financially. One of my theme songs is that the caregiver must look after themselves. You have 2 options 1) leaving mum where she is but providing proper care for her which can be accomplished more than one way, or 2) taking her home with you. Here are some things that might be worth considering.
What would be the personal cost to you of leaving your home and family (you mentioned "we") and moving in with your mum. Her boyfriend is 84 and may need help soon too. Are you willing to take that on? How traumatic would it be for your mum to be separated from her boyfriend or would you take him to your home with her? Do you have DPOA financial and medical now - she needs that.
I wasn't clear about the comment by family "that is why we have to decided where to place Mom". have they found a facility for her? Are you totally against a facility? In some cases, families find it is a good option.
I understand your shock at seeing your mum as she is, and that no one is caring for her, giving her meds etc. Could you contact the agency on aging in her area and/or social services and discuss the situation with them? Are you able to go to your mum's doctor with her and discuss it with him/her?
Another option could be to obtain/hire help to come in daily, see to meds, bathing, meals etc. Distance caregiving is not easy but, in some cases, doable.
Remember that mum is on a downhill journey, and will require more care in time than she does now. You need to consider how that would affect you if you take her home with you, or move in with her. There is much information on various threads here about that.
Wish there was an easy answer, Sounds like the family will be upset by anything you do, but IMO, your mum's welfare comes first. It may be too late for DPOA etc. you need to check that with an attorney, but it is something should have, or you may have to go the guardianship route.
Please let us know how it develops. ((((hugs)))))) and prayers Joan
...since he's been constantly telling everyone I'm trying to kill him, a part of me that still liked him is dying little by little. I'm reaching a point where I look at him - and I feel nothing for him. Nothing. I stayed all these years for my mom even though I knew as a teen that she hated me. I'm finding caregiving father ... I don't care anymore. I make sure he's clean, eats, but I have no desire to talk with him. He can be nice one minute, then demanding, then angry and vicious....
Momy - I recrommend you get all the legal documents over mom first before talking to your siblings- the medical and POA. Just a reminder, POAs are easily changeable as a Will. Don't assume that once you have POA, your family cannot take mom and change it when she has her lucid moments. I have read this occurring frequently on this site. The more difficult one to change is Guardianship. The doctor declares your mom incompetent to care for herself, the lawyer processes it and you go to court. You are truly by eyes of the law your mom's legal guardian. I'm not saying that you should get guardianship. I'm just warning that it is soooooo easy for a family member who is against you to "take mom out for a while" and change POA and your mom's bank account back to mom and fam.
Another advance warning, people with dementia tends to live a loooong time. Mom was diagnosed of dementia when I was age 23...that was about 24 years ago. 13 years ago, mom became bedridden. Imagine 13 years bedridden. With just father and I, it was very very exhausting. We took shifts. He did the day time, and I went to my job. I come home, and take over. Even with this, (siblings refused to help despite our constant asking), father had a stroke 2 years ago and my siblings Still did not help. I had to ask oldest sis to come during the day to help BABYSIT both parents until I get home.
What I'm trying to point out is that you really need to think ahead of what is required of you for your mom's caregiving. I agree with Emjo, call around and see what others say, any programs that your mom qualifies for, etc....I'm not sure if your mom can still qualify for Assisted Living, etc...
Don't reveal your hands with your famiily until you have your legal documents done. Maybe someone else will come on and give their own perspectives, too. You can pick and choose which ones apply to you Now at this stage. Hope it goes well this weekend with the fam....If not, oh, well...Action Speaks Louder Than Words. They lived close by and look at mom. Take care...
How is your dad doing? Is he going to have to go to a rehab facility to get further recovery from the surgery? I hope you are getting more info about his condition and much needed rest to restore you!
Sharyn,I'm too tired at the moment to think. I'm just hopping around reading....
Well I am glad for you that you were able to connect with your mom's doctor.
This way you can possibly get the information about what is really happening. It truly must take your energy for a spin when she sends you all the emails, and her paranoia gets set into motion. But it is good that you know how to put your finger on whatever the issue really is, thereby giving it, it's proper attention, when necessary.
Our narcissistic, undiagnosed aunt used to do the paranoia thing, too. It became worse, as she aged. But my sister, who runs on high drama hasn't learned yet, how to manage this aspect of dealing with people. She's difficult too, so maybe she can't do this. She tells me every now and again, that our mom gets mouthy with her. Mom has told my sister, things like, "this is not your house." My sister lives there with her. So I know that this does not go over very well at all with my sister.
I'm not saying that I wouldn't be offended if I were the one living there, and being in charge. But I do think that at some point, we do have to consider the source, our narcissistic mothers.
Good to hear, that you didn't take that trip in the rain.
I hope you find a proper chair, that will be to your mom's liking, hee, hee!
Take care,
Much Love & Light! Margeaux
While visiting her today the nursing home doctor came in her room for he was making his rounds. After examining her, he asked me to step outside where he asked me what code she was. I told him and the nurse showed him the sheet where it said do not resuscitate. He said good for she has a very long way to go to even return to where she was before going to the hospital. I think this means that he does not see her having much time if she does not bounce back soon.
She still has a lot of fluid to loose and she is not eating well.