Follow
Share
Read More
Find Care & Housing
sharyn re "if I had kids who cared about me and that I could depend on, this wouldn't be happening" those comments do still hurt don't they -- especially after all the work you have been putting into her move, and keeping her safe. Mother has made those kind if statements. and they sting. What she doesn't like always has to be someone's fault and often the someone is us. It gets discouraging
Prayers back for you and (((((((hugs))))))
(1)
Report

Hi,
Can anyone share information with me on getting adult diapers through Medicare at a discount rate.
(0)
Report

Another amazing day.... this appointment was already scheduled b4 incident and back specialist in same office didn't even have to go to two offices! And DR K her surgeon was the port in the storm last time and was absolutely wonderful with us today....things mite not be great outlook but I was validated. I have never felt so trusting and comfortable with a DR ever I sed that from the our first meeting....but since HIP is cleared we no longer see him... we didn't even talk about the hip....we talked about ER incedents, he advised me if you go for it, leave fosomax out, I would not win that one, but the rest...go for it!!! and what I need to do for ma...how to proceed to get her proper care, etc. in his professional dr speak he confirmed for me the hospital here sucks! gave me excellent options...ideas and even allowed me to explain MY ailments in MY hands/back and took a look/advised..... I am relieved....now I got to do the painful task of documenting everything.. including this crazy rant somewhere here....I don't even wanna look....but could help with case! idk..pain n suffering for sure! but will it help idk??? or get us anything idk??? oh well
was a great day and I have no more poison in my heart for the system and not doing enough or being able to do enuf! Now I can just love my mom without guilt for failing her and the whole family! I am free!

THANKS GUYS FOR PUTTING UP WITH ME...CANT WAIT TO CHECK PULSE TOMORO!
(2)
Report

I am seeking legal aid for my mother so I retrieved all of her records from the hospital today, went to patient advocate and asked her to show me where to find in this pile of papers the two complaints I filed with you verbally...she stuttered and said that is not patients right to see those records...I am to tired to fite and I pad went dead so I will call her in a bit to ask her to repeat what the rule was cuz I am confused I don't understand why that would not be part of the file. when we spoke on phone it was my main request. complete files including complaint and follow thru actions....she sed she would get em for me and now...that is not my right??? these guys are pissin me off something fierce...I need It and I need it now! iM SO TIRED GOT THE CRYIN EYES ,,,,I NEED HELP ON THIS ONE!
(1)
Report

I MEAN DOESNT HIPPA COVER THAT?? THAT IS THE MOST INSANE ANSWER NEXT TO YESTERDAY WHY WOULD A PATIEINT NOT BE ALLOWED ACCESS TO SEE THAT THEIR COMPLAINTS ARE BEING TAKEN SERIOUSLY....
(0)
Report

Juju it sounds like you are getting to be more proactive which is a good thing and I am glad you are a part of our group-I am not on as often but do read the posts and keep up with all my old and new friends. This month has been very busy with things to attend -many with my boyfriend and some alone but I am so happy and lucky to have found such a great caring man to spend time with after being so unhappy for so many years.
(1)
Report

Well this morning reality sets in and it was not good news, my relief was in my breakthrough and the wonderful doctor yesterday who showed me a way never have to bring my mom into that hell hole again! plus a ton more,

there is something really wrong with a hospital that you have to tremble in fear of using and nearly stroke you out.....I mean I got a big enuf job already and to have to fite tooth n nail to correct the system that is killing my parents, ughhhhhh LORD GIVE ME THE STRENGTH, IM GONNA HAVE TO PULL THIS ONE OUT MY%SS..
but without them stroking me out I mite not be on this site.. so anyway trying to cope but just my whole strategy with them will crumble if that statement is true above...and I wont be as confident I got em.....it will be harder fite yada yada
(0)
Report

I just need one lil piece of information but I cried myself to sleep mom sleeps so she don't hear me...I cant even see my eyes hurt so bad....
and I cant seem to find this answer easily. could anyone here help me?

I got her files yesterday it was supposed to include the two complaints the 'PATEINT ADVOCATE' had assured me had been addressed.... she assured me! she would get it taken care of...when mom's treatment was bothched
I told her clearly my job is to take care of my mom your job is to take care of me! she agreed and promised it would be handled...so I get a phonecall week later. they have made a thourouth investigation and found no wrong doing on hsptl part
so I want those records and they tell me I do not have a right to them?
(0)
Report

They just irk the doo doo outta me!!! THis is a wonderful woman, why is this happening again.. I mean I already knw that is the stupidest thing ive heard. a patient doesn't have the right to know their concerns were addressed properly! im just to tired to think or find online and no one open here yet im so mad I just want to know if this woman is lying to me after we straighten that out yesterday about her first mistake! This could be my ticket outta the financial mess. that be awesome,
I just need to know what is the patient advocate suppose to do for you anyway
i have no idea cause they haven't done squat! that is most urgent and a see if i can get new social worker...i do not want the same one anymore....her eyes glaze over and she sez Medicaid is the only solution, other than putting unskilled workers in home with fraiL sick people....there has got to be more. so ya turns out, anyone can walk off the street take a four hour class and be left to care for my mom! omg i should go after them to,,,,but i need them so babystep just see if i really got a case or not. I am so anxious now cause ma got me scared,,,,,
they missed L1 fracture in april, mom had not been walking since her april stint in ER for a fall out the wheelchair. when i took her in for ribs i sed u need to recheck her and whammo....3rd completely botched and i have been draggin her around since then...previous she was on 2step xfer...I am pissed off, who is paying for my back! and Arthritic hands
(0)
Report

not to mention HER PAIN N SUFFERING, freaking lawyers are gonna start breaking her life down to figures that are not worth their time...i am agry this morning but relieved i have light and what will be...im going to heaven when i go...i fear where those individials will go !!!
(0)
Report

I sure hope the VA fiduciary wasn't blowing smoke up my $ss to... i broek down to her and sed u needa help me stop this train,,,she sed she would i am praying will not fail us...I CANT DO THIS ALONE ANYMORE
(0)
Report

Wishing you success in your battles, juju. Can you get some help?

I have done a pile of reading and it seems that mother likely has delusional disorder - the paranoia. She fits the description for it as her cognitive abilities are still good but she believes there is a plot against her.. This may or may not lead to dementia. She fits the criteria for that form of paranoia, as well as narcissism, and Borderline PD. Definitely the paranoia is getting worse, so I just have to watch and see what happens. If she starts failing in managing her finances, for example, it would indicate a slide towards dementia and a need for an evaluation. Otherwise, she is fine where she is. I ordered her a chair for her spare/TV room once she realised she will have to move the bed over, so she is happy - for a while.
Rain continues to be forecast, so I am going nowhere except the short trip to BC with G next week. Parts of the city are flooded, and the main hiways were closed for a while due to flooding, so I am not tackling the drive. though the bus would be safe.Thankfully, mother seems t have forgotten that I said I would come.
Peaceful again for now. I am thankful for that. Hope everyone is having a decent day. Love and hugs - Joan
(0)
Report

emjo...I am trying to get help asap. I glad things are moving but now it is going fast...I hope to have the fiduciary here tomoro I told her what was going on she sed she would help me. I hope she is not going to be a disappointment cause I have little options otherwise...cant believe tho if I never broke her rib I would have never known...stranger than fiction, I tell ya...anyway I did all I could do if the don't respond then they again have shown no cooperation so in the file this goes! all I can do....now I got to go back and organize all my notes n records I didn't expect to have to jump so quick tho so ma is kinda lonely today. but in the end this is for her so good is good! I just would rather be snuggling with her more than this oh ho hum n a bottle of rum!
(1)
Report

Joan~Since you have DPOA, can you intervene in getting your mom on some meds that may help with the delusions?? My mom also has long held beliefs that family is against her and the medical profession is out to do away with the elderly. She is blaming (you know the blame game people with PD use) the fact that she was moved downstairs to memory care on midget. The real reason mom was moved is because she is having trouble dressing in the right order, because of the dementia she is not able to befriend others in AL. Just a suggestion hope it helps!!
(1)
Report

This is a dysfunctional thread but my mom's dog is dysfunctional because my mom trained her so indulge me while I talk about the dysfunctional dog.,LOL!! It sure beats dysfunctional people!! I am using positive reinforcement with midget to train her not to bark, to sit, quiet, leave it be. I have a clicker and when her behavior is positive I click it give a hand signal telling her quiet (whatever the command) and treat her. I am making slow progress with her but she has been allowed to have these behaviors for 5 years so it will take some time and will benefit my mom in the long run.
(1)
Report

I have figured out that my sister's problems is with me!!
(2)
Report

sharyn - good suggestion BUT - mother does not have a doctor at present. According to her (I have to precede everything with this because I don't know what is real and what isn't - I think this is.) there is a young couple who will visit her Saturday and help her find a doctor. If she finds a doc she likes I may be able to go with her to an appointment one day, and then see him privately later to talk about it. Apparently it is common that paranoid people will not take treatment as they think someone is trying to harm them. I really need to start documenting her accounts of the plot to get rid of her. This paranoia does make her very anxious, but then so do other things - part of the PD. Mother has refused all her life to take any mood stabilizing drugs. Even if a doctor prescribed them, you can lead a horse to water, but... She seems to like getting angry - sort of a high - and it energizes her, while it exhausts everyone else. Yes, the blame game all the time. Midget's fault eh? Convenient!
Good for you for training Midget. Is she a poodle? They are smart. I do think dysfunctional people have dysfunctional pets. When my parents chose a dog for us they chose one with a pedigree (elitism), which also had a temperament problem (anger) so he could not be shown in the dog shows and that is why they were selling him. This for a pet for a family with young children? Inevitably, he bit a neighbourhood child and had to be put down. Another family trauma! It was not handled well. He was a lovely dog in many ways but his temper flared at times -I have a scar to prove it.

Your sister's problem is you??? I don't think so, sharyn!!! Why do you say that?
(0)
Report

Joan~Because my sister has shown me over time that she is not following through on things very quickly...for instance...I got a call on Monday from the security company on mom's house. They sent sis paper work 2-3 weeks ago for her re-sign because they required her to sign it with her name...followed by, POA for in fact for...my mom's name. Maybe I am expecting too much from sis to follow through on this, I honestly don't know since I deal with paper work and bills asap.This is not the first time sis has let things lag before responding and she said, OH, I thought I took care of that...I will call them. After mom being moved to memory care yesterday, sis was not happy with how the community handled it because they only moved mom's heavy furniture like her bed, dresser, glider/rocker, tv and phone.l Mom was moved from a one bedroom apartment to a studio.Sis wanted to lodge a complain immediately because there were still mom's clothes in the closet, towels and sheets, an night stand and lamp to move. All it required was using their dolly and moving it all...very simple to me. I told sis, if you want to talk to "A" asap, they go ahead but I think what they did was "fair". She took the same attitude with me as last Saturday...not wanting to talk with me Today, I sent her an email that I had contacted our brother to see if his sons could move mom's couch, coffee table, and end tables and the small dinette we bought for mom back to mom's house on Saturday. I told her this would take place at 9 am because brother's family is having a family reunion Sat. afternoon and (sincerely I meant, that if she did not want to be there at that time she could come later so we could work in mom's house)...her response was, I already sent emails to our nephews but they already knew about it because you made contact first and if you want to sleep in because of midget keeping you awake barking all night go ahead.
Her sarcasm is obvious because I know her...I am thinking it may be best I don't show up on Saturday. Apparently I have stepped on her toes and I really don't want to deal with her.

I know what you mean about your mother with the paranoid issue. You have a good handle on it even though it is frustrating and time consuming. Thanks for listening to my rant!! Hugs to you!!
(1)
Report

The other issue is that I removed midget from the community on Monday because they called me for the second time about her barking keeping residents awake. Sis was not happy about that because she wanted to keep midget there for the 10 day they said she had to adjust to memory care. I felt midget is not going to adjust without training and the aides should not be expected to train a dog. This is where sis's sarcasm about the dog comes in.
(1)
Report

((((((sharyn))))) I see your sis and her attitude as the problem - not you. No, you are not expecting too much of sis to deal with paperwork in a timely manner. That is her job as POA. And I think you are wise to stay away on Saturday or there may be more snide remarks. I totally understand you not wanting to keep Midget there for the 10 days when the community has called you twice about her barking. It is not fair on the other residents. I expect Midget would not change unless trained and it is good of you to work with her. I also agree that they did enough moving the light stuff of your mum's. I don't see the point of getting upset about things like that - just work with it! Do you sometimes feel you are the only sane person in your family?

Wondering how everyone is - cmag is your mum still improving and perhaps back in the nursing home?

I have some hugs I will answer - been downed with an infection flare up this week. Gotta stay in top of it better - takes too much out of me.

On a different note, I was disposing of some of those foam popcorn thingies that come as packing in boxes and spilled a few in the kitchen so thought I would just take the box outside and dump it in the recyclable plastic bin. Well the edge of the box caught pn the bin and I dumped them in the grass which is fairly long in the area. So instead of picking them up in my comfortable kitchen I was picking them out of the mosquito infested grass outside!!! Not impressed with myself! I put on one if the clip-on mosquito repellant things. Maybe it helped, but I got quite a few bites. Oh well, this too will pass.
Have a good evening, everyone!
(0)
Report

I decided I am going to give out my sister's work phone to businesses that call me so I don't have the be the middleman, its sis's problem. I am going to change my approach with her, not talk too much about mom's issues with her for awhile so she can have time to absorb the situation better, deal with her feelings about it.

Tiger and midget can be in the same room together now, but I have to keep midget on a leash, she will sit (most of the time) when I tell her too. I dont trust her completely around the cat because she gets this look in her eyes, occasionally tries to go to tiger, don't know if she will bite tiger, but if she does...a little 13lb dog vs. a 16lb cat with claws...the fur will fly, LOL!!

Joan~A flood...wow, is that a seasonal thing you have to deal with, hope your not too stranded for long.
(1)
Report

Hi Tashia, Welcome to AC! Does Medicare cover adult pampers?! You mean all these years (uhm….19 years) my mom could have had help with her pampers? And now father is using it. I hope someone knows if this is possible. If you really want to know the answer, try calling Medicare and ASK if they do cover pampers. I do know that here on island, Medicaid covers it.

Sharyn, when I speed read, I think I missed a vital information. I didn’t know that your mom has moved to memory care. I figured it would have happened sooner. I laughed aloud when your figured out your sister’s problem- was you! ;) Yep, give her number to the callers. As POA, that is her responsibility. You do know that she will blame you, right?

Yes, my father has named me the main person trying to kill him. He’s telling everyone – family, govt caregivers, the hospital staff….except, I can’t
(1)
Report

Everyone please bear with me on this because I walked into a situation that I wasn't expecting. I live in another state, I was caregiver to my husband for 4 yrs he passed away in January of this yr. the lonof 30 yrs. The lonliness after his passing was more than I expected so I planned a getaway trip. I knew my Mom had dementia and figured it was a good time to go for a visit. I was assured that she was being well cared for by her boyfriend and a family member. When I saw my Mom she was frail 89, smeeled and the family joke was "I see Gramma is wearing her uniform" they said this because she alwas had the same clothes on. After observing and journaling the days events I found: Mom was sleeping in her clothes and wearing them the next day. this turned out to be a total of thirteen days..
Mom wasn't getting help with her personal hygiene.
she hadn't been to a doctor in 8 mo. the reason I was given was she hasn't been sick.
she hadn't been given her Meds properly. There is a lot more I saw wrong but I will go on to the next subject. There was a family discussion with a sibling that was suppose to be taking care of her and I advised her of my observations . The excuse I received was, well her boyfriend he is 84 asked for help that is why we have to decided where to place Mom. I suggested her moving with me and all hell broke loose. there was no ways she was moving out of state, Why should I take her when I haven't been around to help since the onset of her Dementia. I bit my tongue because I didn't want to start a bigger family war by using the word "neglect" . These family members see Mom once a week for 30 min. they had left her complete care to Moms boyfriend, but they controlled the finances.
My Mom has lucid moments where she can hold a short conversation sat with me for a day very concerned for my health when I had a hospital emergency visit and asked me how I felt or did I need anything. when these thing were relayed to the family. I was wrong Mom is going down hill fast etc. etc. After thorough investigation there was no Power of Atty, there was no Health Care Proxy. All legal with an Atty, I took Mom to the bank and we found monthly withdrawals on her Acct. I asked her boyfriend if he knew about them and he said yes, my ---------- didn't want to have to pay taxes on the joint acct. so it was kept a a minimum. I closed the acct and Mom reopened it with me. My family has no idea I did any of this and will find out this week end.
Everytime I tried to inquire as to Moms financial status before doing all this I was met with no answers or vague answers or accusations of only wanting Moms money. I make 3x's as much as my mother and don't need her money.
My home is paid for we would have everything we need and she would have a free healthcaregiver. So my question to all of you is how do I deal with this should I move in with my Mom here or take the chance of it being too traumatic to take her away from her customary environment. thank you for reading this
(1)
Report

Tashia - hope book's advice helps. I have no experience in that area.

book -I agree - sharyn - give the businesses your sis's phone number - not your job to be middle man. Sorry your dad is so paranoid, book and is focussing on you.

sharyn I think it is good to back off. You are doing well with the pets. cats can do a lot of damage if they want to and at 16 lbs Tiger is a big cat.

momycaregiver - welcome to the thread. What a situation you have to deal with! I have been thinking about it and my gut reaction is to get her out of there and cared for well, but there are a number of considerations. Certainly she is not being cared for properly now and maybe being taken advantage of financially. One of my theme songs is that the caregiver must look after themselves. You have 2 options 1) leaving mum where she is but providing proper care for her which can be accomplished more than one way, or 2) taking her home with you. Here are some things that might be worth considering.
What would be the personal cost to you of leaving your home and family (you mentioned "we") and moving in with your mum. Her boyfriend is 84 and may need help soon too. Are you willing to take that on? How traumatic would it be for your mum to be separated from her boyfriend or would you take him to your home with her? Do you have DPOA financial and medical now - she needs that.

I wasn't clear about the comment by family "that is why we have to decided where to place Mom". have they found a facility for her? Are you totally against a facility? In some cases, families find it is a good option.

I understand your shock at seeing your mum as she is, and that no one is caring for her, giving her meds etc. Could you contact the agency on aging in her area and/or social services and discuss the situation with them? Are you able to go to your mum's doctor with her and discuss it with him/her?
Another option could be to obtain/hire help to come in daily, see to meds, bathing, meals etc. Distance caregiving is not easy but, in some cases, doable.

Remember that mum is on a downhill journey, and will require more care in time than she does now. You need to consider how that would affect you if you take her home with you, or move in with her. There is much information on various threads here about that.

Wish there was an easy answer, Sounds like the family will be upset by anything you do, but IMO, your mum's welfare comes first. It may be too late for DPOA etc. you need to check that with an attorney, but it is something should have, or you may have to go the guardianship route.

Please let us know how it develops. ((((hugs)))))) and prayers Joan
(2)
Report

To continue with my incomplete sentence...
...since he's been constantly telling everyone I'm trying to kill him, a part of me that still liked him is dying little by little. I'm reaching a point where I look at him - and I feel nothing for him. Nothing. I stayed all these years for my mom even though I knew as a teen that she hated me. I'm finding caregiving father ... I don't care anymore. I make sure he's clean, eats, but I have no desire to talk with him. He can be nice one minute, then demanding, then angry and vicious....

Momy - I recrommend you get all the legal documents over mom first before talking to your siblings- the medical and POA. Just a reminder, POAs are easily changeable as a Will. Don't assume that once you have POA, your family cannot take mom and change it when she has her lucid moments. I have read this occurring frequently on this site. The more difficult one to change is Guardianship. The doctor declares your mom incompetent to care for herself, the lawyer processes it and you go to court. You are truly by eyes of the law your mom's legal guardian. I'm not saying that you should get guardianship. I'm just warning that it is soooooo easy for a family member who is against you to "take mom out for a while" and change POA and your mom's bank account back to mom and fam.

Another advance warning, people with dementia tends to live a loooong time. Mom was diagnosed of dementia when I was age 23...that was about 24 years ago. 13 years ago, mom became bedridden. Imagine 13 years bedridden. With just father and I, it was very very exhausting. We took shifts. He did the day time, and I went to my job. I come home, and take over. Even with this, (siblings refused to help despite our constant asking), father had a stroke 2 years ago and my siblings Still did not help. I had to ask oldest sis to come during the day to help BABYSIT both parents until I get home.

What I'm trying to point out is that you really need to think ahead of what is required of you for your mom's caregiving. I agree with Emjo, call around and see what others say, any programs that your mom qualifies for, etc....I'm not sure if your mom can still qualify for Assisted Living, etc...

Don't reveal your hands with your famiily until you have your legal documents done. Maybe someone else will come on and give their own perspectives, too. You can pick and choose which ones apply to you Now at this stage. Hope it goes well this weekend with the fam....If not, oh, well...Action Speaks Louder Than Words. They lived close by and look at mom. Take care...
(2)
Report

Book~Yes, I am my sister's problem, LOL!! It is better I let her take care of her end her way even though it is not my way...and if she is forgetting things, she will have to come to terms with it one way or another. I just don't want to fight with her. It is not worth it or the stress. Yes we have moved mom into the memory care unit because she is not acclimating to AL and needs help dressing in the right order. She doesn't always put a bra on and just gets confused about how to proceed. Last night she called me asking about midget, she said she had forgotten about midget until just now when she called me. I just got off the phone with her...she is upset about midget not being there, she wants to go home now...it was a hard conversation and this is what hurts me most as opposed to her accusing me of things I didn't do or stealing from her. She was so lucid just now...she brought up her ladder (hubby took it a couple months ago so she won't climb it), wants it back so she can get her windows cleaned at her house. It breaks me up but I have to talk her down, calm her, reassure her that everything will be fine and we are working on getting her home.

How is your dad doing? Is he going to have to go to a rehab facility to get further recovery from the surgery? I hope you are getting more info about his condition and much needed rest to restore you!
(1)
Report

When you don't have POA, then you know nothing. I know nothing about father's medical condition, his surgery, etc...When I was in the ER, around 11:15am, the nurse came up to me when I was in the curtained room with father. She said why don't you go and have lunch? I thought it was a bit early but decided that I was hungry. So, I agreed. I went outside the curtain and sat down with the other people sitting while I open my purse to look for my money. As I sat there, I saw the doctor go in. I heard her tell father that his left lung has so much fluid in it. That he was breathing using only his right lung. On another note, when I had taken mom last time to the ER, the doctor visited mom when I wasn't there. When I mentioned to this to a friend - about the nurse suggesting I go eat lunch - he said it's the Hippa Law. He's a security guard for the ER. He told me that he's been called in to "escort" a family member out of the room due to the Hippa Law. So, the nurse was nice about getting me away instead of calling for security. =)

Sharyn,I'm too tired at the moment to think. I'm just hopping around reading....
(2)
Report

Emjo,

Well I am glad for you that you were able to connect with your mom's doctor.
This way you can possibly get the information about what is really happening. It truly must take your energy for a spin when she sends you all the emails, and her paranoia gets set into motion. But it is good that you know how to put your finger on whatever the issue really is, thereby giving it, it's proper attention, when necessary.

Our narcissistic, undiagnosed aunt used to do the paranoia thing, too. It became worse, as she aged. But my sister, who runs on high drama hasn't learned yet, how to manage this aspect of dealing with people. She's difficult too, so maybe she can't do this. She tells me every now and again, that our mom gets mouthy with her. Mom has told my sister, things like, "this is not your house." My sister lives there with her. So I know that this does not go over very well at all with my sister.
I'm not saying that I wouldn't be offended if I were the one living there, and being in charge. But I do think that at some point, we do have to consider the source, our narcissistic mothers.

Good to hear, that you didn't take that trip in the rain.
I hope you find a proper chair, that will be to your mom's liking, hee, hee!
Take care,
Much Love & Light! Margeaux
(1)
Report

How am I doing? Not well. A caregiver comes to the house for four hours. That is when I get out of this nuthouse and see my kids and grandkids. My family was dysfunctional long before my parents got old. Now? It's worse.
(1)
Report

Ya'll might remember several days ago that I shared about my mother going into the hospital with a bad UTI, twisted bowells, and a kidney stone. She went in on Saturday a week ago and then came back to the nursing home this past Tuesday. She has basically been sleeping the whole time and was on a feeding tube most of the time she was in the hospital until a day or so before they released her.

While visiting her today the nursing home doctor came in her room for he was making his rounds. After examining her, he asked me to step outside where he asked me what code she was. I told him and the nurse showed him the sheet where it said do not resuscitate. He said good for she has a very long way to go to even return to where she was before going to the hospital. I think this means that he does not see her having much time if she does not bounce back soon.

She still has a lot of fluid to loose and she is not eating well.
(1)
Report

Start a Discussion
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter