The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

dreyfuss - glad you are getting out of the house even a little - can you arrange more breaks for yourself? Looking after 2 parents must be too much

cmag -sorry your mum is not doing so well - keep us updated

Margeaux I ordered a chair, now she wants a foot stool. I will wait till the chair arrives and she is OK with it. I emailed her tonight and told her I had called the doctor told them I was POA and they all thought she was fine and could stay where she was. and were very impressed that she used a computer (true). I haven't heard back yet. I don't know if it was a helpful thing to do or not. Apparently it is best to address the underlying feelings - in her case insecurities, and fear of being sent to a nursing home,

book, sharyn., Austin (where are you?) everyone thinking of you - hugs and prayers

Hi Dreyfuss, the same applies with my family and dysfunction. I was hoping that father would be one of those who suffered a stroke became nicer. Nope. He became worse.

Cmag, I’m sorry about your mother. I’m not very good at reading between the lines. I would have literally taken the doc’s words . I guess he was being tactful.

Hi Joan! I’m glad to see back to normal and therefore back to posting. Every time you go down under with your fibro, you just come bouncing right back. You’re a very strong person. Take care!

Sharyn and Margeaux, sometimes I get your stories mixed..since you both talk about your sisters and they both seem so similar. I have to remind myself who is who when you post.

hi book what's normal??? it is not just fibro, but also a couple of chronic infections. If one flares up, I am wiped for a week. I am slowly getting rid of one of them and have to keep sharp watch to catch any before they flare. Trouble is that I have had them so long I don't notice the warning signs. Thankfully I do have remedies which are pretty effective and little/no side effects. Strong? Probably. A fighter, I guess, like my mother though, hopefully more reasonable.

I am reverberating already and it isn't 9 am. Too many emails from mother again. sharyn I want to thank you for the heads up about manipulation. that stuck in my mind. Sorting out the paranoia, narcissism, manipulation -FOG, short term memory loss etc. is not easy - in fact, probably impossible.

However, mother did give me the name and phone number of her case worker from Alberta health who evaluated her after her hip op and said she could stay in her ALF. She is correct, I believe that if she is evaluated as not being able to stay they will move her to a gov't nursing home, and she will go into the first one which has a bed, If you go private you have a choice, obviously. Now mother is talking about going back to Ontario to a place in Toronto because she knows a couple of people who like it there, Whatever! It is a change from going to BC and assisted suicide. I will ask her if she has put her name on the waiting list. She has remembered that I am coming down and is waiting to unload this all when I get there. I don't know how well I can cope with that. It gets harder and harder to listen to her rants. I will have to limit the time I spend with her. Really it is a matter of making plans for when/if she needs more care. I think the options are for her to stay where she is and hire someone privately, or to move to a long term care/nursing home - either gov't subsidized, or private.

Our city has been declared a disaster area because of the flooding, though it does not affect the area I live in. A river broke its banks and several down town areas are flooded and some people have been evacuated. The rain has eased up a bit, which will help.

Hope everyone has a good weekend. I will try to get out for a walk between showers. Last night I had a lovely, short one. The temp was about 68.

Cmag~I am sorry to hear about your mother, keep us posted and sending you prayers.

Book~Don't worry, sometimes I get confused about who said what also.

Joan~I hear you, mom called me 14 times yesterday, most of those calls came in between 8-9:30. I only answered the first call as I knew her pleas were going to be the same. She wants to home now (she has been very lucid lately), she wants her dog, she want the ladder back, I can't believe my kids threw me out of my own house and put me here, you won't be happy til you have everything I own. No fear, but plenty of guilt and obligation.
Sorry about the flooding, that sure makes things inconvenient for shopping. The last flood we had here was in '97. Several levy breaks but it does not flood in the city proper...all farm land but the farmers have to hustle to load up livestock.

My sibling just walked away after she got twenty grand and realized anything else would be used to care for my dad (hence nothing left to inherit). It's all but made me nuts at this point because she got a choice not to deal with all that is heartwrenching about this. Of thw 2 of us it would be more easy for her to put him somewhere but wont do the work. After 3 years im very close to asking the state what will happen to him if i tell them i am taking him to my sister's house and leaving the area. Am i the negligent one at that point? Ive given up everything to do this and about to the point where living just doesnt seem like there's much point anyway. Nothing is important and nothing matters. So is she the negligent one if he's left in her care or maybe theyd take me to jail - that would be a break in itself. Bad but not sickeningly ripping my heart out everyday trying to console my dad when he's frightened or crying because he literally doesnt know what to do with himself and i cannot fix it. Im burnt.

sharyn -wise to only answer one call. Hate the blaming they get into. I find it doesn't get easer to take in time. Mother goes back and forth between moods, clarity, paranoia etc and I have no idea how much is manipulation. A lot of it doesn't make much sense anyway. I told her I had called her old doctor's office and they thought she was fine in her ALF. She got a bit agitated and then said what the doctor's office says means nothing. Oh really - then why did she get so upset by it? A couple from the church are visiting her this afternoon to help her find a doctor/ make plans. They have no idea what they are getting involved in, but will find out soon enough. Shooing here has not ben much affected except the traffic downtown is dreadful because of rerouting.

emerald - (((((((hugs)))))) something has to change here. You sound totally burned out. I am sorry about your sister, but understand, as mine is similar wants whatever she can get but won't help. I expect nothing but trouble from my sister. All our lives that us the way it has been - no help - just trouble. You have had a lot of caregiving with your mum and also your late husband. Can the local agency on aging and/or social services point you in the direction of resources in your area to help while you go to hospital? I have read that respite is available for caregivers through medicare. Sounds like you need a break badly. Also, to me, it sounds like you are grieving the loss of your dad as you knew him, and you need some space/time to process this. Can your dad's doc give him anything to relieve his emotional pain/fears? Keep coming back and venting - it helps. I read in another post there could be a placement for him in nine months. That is a long time when you are burnt out. Let us know how you are doing.

Mom became totally out of control today screaming, cussing, accusing. Not a good scene. We asked them to call her dr. For a sedative

does she take anything for anxiety? My 'gran' - ex mil - just started Resperidol and it has made a huge difference in her aggression, paranoia and plain old meanness.

((((((hugs))))) sharyn - that is very stressful, yet you know you could not have acted differently than you have. It would well happen to mother too if she were "put" in a place not of her choosing. I dread the day. more (((((hugs))))))) Can you take a break? This is hardly "time off" for you.

Thanks Emjo. Ive got a little bit of post traumatic stress issues. My husband was a brittle diabetic - conservatively EMS was involved in our lives at least once a month for insulin shock. I developed a fear of not geing there over a 6 year period (those events lessened after i forced him on insulin pump therapy after his first stroke) but there were still emergencies. "What would happen if i didnt get to him" kind of stuff. After 10 years one day i couldnt get him on the phone and as most times there was no emergency - this time i did not leave work and found him passed on when i got home. Much is similar in this situation as i go home at the end of the day. The breaks i get are very welcome a few mornings a week but it's never off my mind so i do not enjoy myself in either situation - might as well just be here. It's a circle i know. Im fried. I want it in her face for a while because i think it would just be less emotional for her to handle. I have that fantasy of just driving him over there and handing her everything and leaving this area for good. Go be anonymous in a new state where nobody would know i gave up.

Sharynmarie and Emjo,

There's always manipulation concerning a narcissist, no matter whatever PD's,
Dementia/Alz is going on too. My sister has also told me of recent outbursts by mom, (who has been on the calmer side) with Alz, as saying, "This is my house."
You know that my sister lives there with her, and no matter what my issues have been with my sister, I do credit her with in most instances taking care of business regarding the care of mom's needs. This comment of course, doesn't go over well, with my sister, because she feels she moved in on the condition that she care for not only mother; mom's sister also. I think a narcissist while young, as when mom was younger, is going to bring up the old attitudes about control, which is primary to them. Then when this happens who ever is at the receiving end, the past is stirred up, and of course it's always insensitive and quite insulting.

At least the two of you take the high road.
That's a good thing! Have a great Father's Day weekend!
Much Love & Light! Margeaux

I do understand PTSD - I have it from childhood trauma - my mother has Borderline Personality Disorder, and narcissism and my father was an alcoholic. As well, I have it from when my youngest son was killed about 10 yrs ago.
Ahh, the one time you didn't go home - that had to hit you hard . I hope you have forgiven yourself, You did a lot for him. Have you had any therapy for the PTSD? I can see it affecting your present situation. I know when my son was killed there were a lot of "what if's" and you just have to let them and any guilt go. if you can work through some of the feelings from your husband's death, I think you will find the present situation easier. Grieving groups can be very helpful.

re siblings, many of us have found we just have to give up on the expectation -and the accompanying anger when they don't - that they will help. Some have found that when they ask outright for specifics they do get help.

You need to be able to take time off and relax and refresh yourself. We all die one day, and we have little control over that. You may not have been able to do anything to prevent your husband from passing at that time. I have had a lot of losses in life and really picked up that you have grief/trauma from the past. It is hard to get through, I know, especially when the death is sudden and in difficult circumstances. We all have regrets, but have to come to terms with them to move forward.
BIG ((((((hugs))))) I sense you are in a lot of emotional pain. Come back and vent and share - it does help.

I can sure relate to the running away fantasy - had it many times.

Emerald, when I ended up with both bedridden parents (father had a stroke 2 yrs ago) and none of my 6 out of 7 siblings stepped up to help, it was just me and my 2 parents in this house. I worked full time and refused to give up my job. Why? Will my siblings chip in and help pay for my loss of wages? No!!! They like the status quo - I do all the hard work and they pretend that it's MY Duty to care for the parents since I'm single and no kids.

One day, in frustration, I said that I'm quitting, packing up my stuff and you all deal with the parents. Do you know what older sis said? You cannot. You are the parents' caregivers. By walking out, you will be accused of elderly neglect. Pissed me off and started me down the road to serious suicide. I cannot walk away? Then, death is my only option. I started researching online for the no pain but 100% fool-proof suicide. I did NOT want to come out of my suicide attempt and damage my liver or kidney because I tried to kill myself and it didn't work. Months later, I finally found the answer. Can you believe how many people offer ways to commit suicide when someone asks how?????

I don't think delivering your parent on sis will work. She will just do the same back at you. You cannot even force her to help you financially on the cost of their care. You just have to decide what it is you really want. Do you just need a few weeks off from caregiving so that you can travel? Or a weekend off? Or do you want permanent - No More caregiving? If permanent, then I agree with the above suggestions. First step is to call around the govt agencies for programs dealing with the elderlies. There is senior citizen get togethers, they meet Mon-Fridays at a center and do projects, play bingo, etc...Some meet at MacD's for breakfast, etc...When on the phone, ask if there are other programs that they are aware of. And you can call that number, etc...Father did that when mom was first diagnosed with dementia/Alzh about 24 yrs ago. We have Mon-Fri meals-on-wheels, and a weekly caregiver respite (federal funding and donations) who also provides limited free supplies and also can purchase supplies at a great discount, a local/fed govt funded caregivers who have been coming to our home several times a week for over 13yrs.They do light housekeeping and wash/sponge bathe the parent, etc....

A very stressful day to say the least!! Yesterday I emailed sis telling her I was not going to visit with mom today because of her calling me non stop.When we met at mom's old apartment to move some of the furniture back to her house, sis said mom had left her 15 messages yesterday with each on getting worse. We had two boxes of things to take to mom's new apartment but I told sis it was not a good idea to bring it to her day. I told them all I was leaving and would meet my hubby, bro, nephews over moms to let them in the house to bring back the couch...etc. Hubby was waiting for me when I got there and it was another 30 minutes before my bro and nephews showed up. They told me mom went off on my sister like nobodies business, screaming at her, yelling, cussing, accusing. When sis finally showed up, she said she told them to order a sedative because she was out of control (I don't think they did, because when we are not there, she is quiet but is staying in her room). She has called me 4 times, I talked with her once which is all I can do. I told her I would visit her Monday with midget but only if she does not yell and scream because I will leave. I am sorry my sister had to take the brunt of it but she should not have gone to her room!! Yes, it is breaking my heart and my sister's but this is how it has to be.

While sis and I work at mom's today, we talked. She brought up her medication...the Zoloft. I told her that I have noticed in the last two months you seem more forgetful, you have snapped at me twice within one week, you seem preoccupied with thoughts and not really engaged in the conversation going on around you. She said I feel like am outside of out is going on around me and that emotionally I am flat. I told her yes, you are. You should insist they put you on some other antidepressant because this is not working for you. She agreed. She sees the psychiatrist on Monday so hopefully they will make some changes because she just is not herself!! Sis told me she had dinner the other night with her two best friends from childhood through high school and she felt she was there but not really. She didn't contribute much to the conversation. At least she is aware of how she feels and how I see her as well.

Tonight Tiger was able to come and eat in peace, YAY!! I had Midget sit and stay treating her accordingly. Joan, yes she is a poodle so her intelligence is quite high I believe Border Collies are # one on intelligence and poodles are second.She can easy be trained with consistency. She does give my poor hubby hell by barking at him when he goes behind a closed door or in and out of the house but we are working on that too. She loves socks...steals them all the time and will try to stuff them in the couch cushions or in the seam that runs around the inside of her bed. If you try to take the socks from her, she means business...growls and refuses to drop them. I noticed that if I get up and walk away, she drops the socks and stands they looking at me..."Why don't you wanna play!" So it is a game she plays probably to wear off energy, LOL!!. I will throw socks on the floor and when she tries to grab them I say no!!!...Sit midget, and she will sit and I treat her. She knows what she is doing is wrong but it is a game because my mom would chase her down to get the socks back. All in good time!! Have a good night all, HUGS!!

((((((hugs))))) sharyn --what a hard day!!!! Glad you had a chat with your sis and she is looking into her meds. I agree sis should not have gone into your mum's room. Sometimes there is not an easy answer to these things. between the Alz and the PD your mum does not have the inhibitions. I have seen mother like that, except for the cussing In fact, she has lost her temper regularly most of her life. Less so recently as she has few visitors. It happens in interaction with others. BPDs have lots of anger. It is very upsetting and exhausting. I am hoping that Midget is a bit of a diversion for you. Sounds like she is learning well. Hope you have some time to relax this weekend and treat hubby on Father's Day for being a good sport. G is off with the horses as usual, so I will have to take him out for dinner next week.

Joan~You are right there is no easy answer and I chose to do what was best for me while sis chose what was best for her. The outcome is not really going to be any different for either of us...we both still deal with the pain of it all. I am still learning and growing in how my sister deals with things as opposed to how I deal with it. Some people don't understand that because they think I am seeking personal attention from them...why I don't know and I don't and I don't care, Lol!!

While going through my mom's china cabinet, we found a shell. On the bottom it has .50 caliber. What do we do with this? We decided to call the police department, explaining to them we didn't know if it was a souvenir or a live shell. She said they were getting ready to change shifts so it would be about an hour before someone could come out. About 45 min. later she calls back saying she is sending out 2 undercover officers, just wanted us to know because they will not be dressed like regular officers...I said ok, thank you!! Two men walk up to my mom's door in bullet proof vests...LOL!!! Sis and I started laughing...we let them in showed them the shell. They looked it over and said the powder had been removed...then the younger of the two removed the top (didn't know it came off) they shined a flashlight into it, saying it looks like it has wool stuffed inside it. Then the younger officer again removed another portion of the top of the shell....it is a cigarette lighter...LOL!!! We all laughed, I apologized for bringing them out for a cigarette lighter but told them I didn't want to just toss it in the garbage if it had powder in it. They said it is better that you call us when not sure so just keep your souvenir and enjoy it.

Sharyn, that was funny! =)

Forgive me for coming off as lazy, but I just typed "my story" on my profile so you can find my present situation there.

My mother, I think, had borderline personality disorder and alternated between treating me with love and contempt. Childhood was a minefield of being labeled with pseudopsychological labels like "crazy," "weird" (worse, "weirdo"), "funny," along with accusations of being oversensitive or overreacting to others and that was why kids in school picked on me.

The abuse subsided a bit when I started college but then something triggered it again. That was the first time I contemplated suicide. The college environment - both professors and peers - was so opposite and affirming that I think it saved my life.

Any of you read books by John Bradshaw? When I read the passages in his book "Family Secrets: What You Don't Know CAN Hurt You," about the influence of childhood experience and mate selection, it creeped me out. History indeed seemed in some ways to repeat itself, except signif. other is much nicer (most of the time) and even on bad days has never reached the extremes of Mom.

Eggshellwalker...I don't get on the site very often, but this weekend it seems my life is being written on these pages. Anyway, I too found out/remembered things from my past that I had tried to run from my whole life. I tried to drink, eat it away, no luck. As you noted, your mother and her verbal abuse, sounds like my mother. She would call me lazy, dirty, or tell me that I smelled. The best one was "you don't have the brains God gave an idiot". And being a child I believed her. Now understand something, as children, our only source of affirmation was our parents. My father was gone with his career and did not know what to do with any of us when he was home. My mother was a controlling person, and Dad being gone really set her off and we would catch all the bitterness and resentment she carried around. I left home as soon as I could legally get out. My siblings did the same. Well, I am the only one that came back to help Mom when she needed the help. I do not see myself as a wonder daughter. I just thought she could use the help. My husband is a very kind and generous man and he takes care of her when I am at work. But with all of this, she is still the same person she was 50 years ago. The only difference now is she is aging (we all are), and she can't control this process and so out comes the abuse again. I just walk away now. I act as if she has said nothing. I also am on guard all the time. When she is pleasant, I now wait for the other shoe to drop and abuse to start again. She has not let me down so far. I started seeing a therapist. Again I am very blessed that I can afford one. After a few sessions with her and alot of questions, we have found what has been making me act so crazy most of my life. I am a survivior of child abuse on all 5 levels. I am not alone with this PTSD thing but now I understand me better. My mother will never change/admitt to any of what happened. I do not have to be afraid anymore. I am strong today. I committed to taking care of this woman until she is gone. I am making sure the house is clean, meals are fixed, errands are run, appointments are met and she is safe. I am "honoring" my commitment. When she goes nuts and the abuse starts, I walk away. My only peace is my time with my husband. Together he and I make a strong team of taking care of Mom. Together we walk thru what she throws at us and we are learning to let it go. I am no saint, I get frustrated, resentful but those emotions are mine to sort out, I will not allow myself to be drawn in to her games anymore. And every once in awhile I come a spend time with everyone here. A safe place to simply vent. thank you for being here.

Well...nothing has changed today with my mom. She is still on her rampage calling, threatening, all the same stuff we have heard our entire lives.Sis called them last night explaining to the nurse on duty what mom was doing and how this is our mother's normal way of treating her family...she said the nurse just said uh hu, uh hu. They did go in her room and unplug her phone. Clearly they see my mom as only having Alzheimer's so no understanding regarding us...understandable with no official diagnosis of a PD.. As long as my mom continues these tirades, I refuse to visit her. Sis is concerned they will kick her out but I told her I don't think so because she is not being disruptive to them only to us. If I have to, I will remove her phone from her room and ask the dr. to put her something to help her without making her a zombie. This is the behavior of my mom that I refuse to participate in it. I just called the community because of mom's calls and I asked them if we can remove the phone from her room and what do "you" suggest we do because we will not visit her as long as she continues this behavior. The med tech said that mom is eating fine and participating in activities and actually mom walk by while we were on the phone, she asked mom how she was doing...mom smiled and said she was just fine!!! She said they would put an order through to her dr. tomorrow for a anti-anxiety drug. How do you deal with someone who is smiling and sweet to others but is horrible to her family? It boggles my mind!!

ESW - read your profile - your mum alternated - mine was finally diagnosed a few years ago as borderline and she is definitely narcissistic - pretty well constant criticism and frequent rages, abandonment issues that came out as I got older. I read Bradshaw years ago.He is good. The Walking on Eggshells book and workbook are good too. I have no doubt that childhood experience seriously affects mate selection. I have left behind me two bad relationships which reflected my father's alcoholism and my mother's rages. After a long hiatus, I am in a much healthier relationship, without either of those problems. Apparently we seek relationships with people like family members in attempts to work out the issues we have not worked out in our families. I am glad you are getting therapy to deal with your situation. I have gone for counselling off and on all my adult life and it has helped. I have PTSD as well from childhood and have to take breaks from my mother periodically. (I caregive at a distance). She is 101 and going pretty strong. I am at a stage in life that I want/need some peace. Good luck to you and your healing,

ladyDi - good to hear from you and looks like you have worked out a lot. I am so glad you have a supportive husband. I am POA for mother and will do what I have to in order to care for her, but I will not tolerate the abuse. I don't know how you can deal with having your mum in your home. I couldn't live with the rages etc. any more. Yes, they won't change. You mention parents as a source of affirmation. I remember as a very young child, having been raged at for something minor, sitting and thinking about it and deciding that although I knew I was not perfect and sometimes did wrong things, NOBODY deserved that kind of treatment. That led to the realization that something was wrong at home and it wasn't me. I knew she was "different" from a very early age. That is not to say that my childhood did not affect me negatively - it did.

sharyn -too funny about the ":shell" Sorry your mum is carrying on as she is. I know I may face the same one day, and also will refuse to participate. They can show one face to family and another to the public because they are sick. I am sorry the staff have no understanding beyond the Alz. She might get some meds for it. Mother is emailing again and getting close to abusive, She tells me I have absolutely no understanding about her situation, which I might say gets weirder daily. They put her fridge on freezing to show her they were going to send her away, and when she put it back to the normal setting they decided she could stay. O-kay! Then she will come on sane and sensible for a short while, then back to the nonsense and paranoia. I know you understand. I dread going down there.to put my name on her account, but think it needs to be done.
Oh well. This too shall pass.
(((((((hugs)))))) and prayers to everyone Joan

Sharynmarie, your post was just what I needed. It's often hard to find the humor in our own dysfunctional situations (mine is an historically dysfunctional family & I'm my mother's with early Dementia, full time caregiver). When I read post from folks who can, it truly helps me.
Thank you :-)

My brother came over to relieve me so I went out for several hours. I literally had to creep back into the house to avoid my mother. She asked my brother twice "is your sister home yet? I was in my room (her former guest room) trying to get a moments peace. I'm 48 and lived on my own states away from my mother for 30 years. Now that she has early Dementia, I am her full time caregiver.
How insane is this?!?!?
She eventually came in my room after my brother told her I wasn't home yet earlier (thank God), when he told her I turned on the AC when she complained about being cold.The inside temp was 80 degrees and it's 80+ degrees outside. Last summer I closed and covered all the vents in her room, but I'll have to find a way to do it when my brother takes her out.
Tomorrow it's going to be 84 already stressing about it. Thank God for my ceiling fan.

Margeaux, your post hit home. My mom is a narcissist who constantly
(my entire life until I went went away to college and stayed away fro home for 30 years):
manipulates
guilts
twists things to get her sister and friends to side with her
lies
blames me for everything
criticizes me
used to try to controls me (she refused to teach me how to drive as a teen)
paints her life as picture perfect now and when I was growing up when she was married to my (now recovered) alcoholic father
insisted that she comb and style my hair even when I was in highschool
so many things that handicapped me and impacted me as an adult.
The list goes on. I recently realized and now understand her personality trait and it has helped me. However, now that she is in the early stages of Dementia it's more pronounced. And now I'm living with her as her full-time caregiver.
I hope I do not loose my sanity during this process.
I feel guilty for wanting the situation to be over with and at times just want to walk away.

Joan~I had to chuckle about the refrigerator...a paranoid/delusional response. The rationale behind that statement...only your mother knows.
ESW~Yes, in early dementia the personality disorder traits become more pronounced, the delusions, paranoia, name calling, guilt trips. My mom even got where she was telling other people we were stealing from her. I do think at with my mom, there is a small part of her that knows her thinking is wrong and that is why she keeps it hidden from people outside the family most of the time but unleashes it on the family when she feels safe. She even closed out her checking account, opening a new account, then turned around and closed out the new account and reopened the old one. Of course she denied she closed out her account and opened a new one, she blamed it on the bank, LOL!!
Lady Di3~It boggles my mind the number of people who are dealing with a parent like ours. Yes, when you are told from the time you are a child that you are lazy, stupid...you grow up believing it and it affects your work life and personal relationships. It is a very hard way to grow up and feeling you are a burden to your family. I figured out early that anything that upset the bubble my mother lived in caused her to go on rampages as she has no coping skills to deal with the normal trials that happen in life even something like the car breaking down would set her off. It was my dads fault the car broke down because he didn't have a crystal ball to see into the future to prevent it.
Margeaux/New2Dementia~My mom is pulling out all the tricks of manipulation right now. Threatening us with an attorney, her rights are being violated,we are horrible children, there is nothing wrong with her, we just want everything she owns. I get so sick of hearing it and while for the most part, I deal with it calmly, inside I am a mess because all the old feelings from childhood come flooding back in.. My mother's rampages could be heard throughout the neighborhood, some neighbors wouldn't allow their children to associate with us. Well enough of my pity party...time to put on my big girl panties and deal, LOL!!

Hi all, I haven't been on here in a while. I'm recuperating from chemo and radiation due to breast cancer. During this time my sister who "helps" when she can decided to go from working part time to working full time. I know for a fact she doesn't need to work at all. Her husband makes a great deal of money. They are always buying new things for the house and going on vacations. So I've gotten less help from her with my mom. I have all but begged my sis to give me a break. She said I'm harassing her. My mom moved next to me two years ago after my father died and the house next to me went up for sale. Before that I was working part time and going to see her two days a week, a 50 minute drive each way. My sister went about once a month while working part time and it was a 30 minute drive for her. Mom never drove or made friends. She is a very private shy woman. She is 76 yrs old has COPD and is on oxygen 24/7. I do everything with and for her. I get so sick of the old worn out answer from my sister that she's too "busy" to help and " you moved mom next to you" I guess I just have to give up asking or expecting her to help.

Cmagnum,

How is your mother doing? I read the post about returning to the nursing home, and her current condition.
How are you doing, my friend? I hope that she gets better, and that you are hanging in there. You and yours are in my thoughts.
Much Love & LIght! Margeaux

New2Dementia - might be an idea to look into alternatives like assisted living. Your mum will only get worse. Your list sure fits. Please let go of the guilt -you have nothing to be guilty for - your mum planted "guilt buttons" in you long ago so she could manipulate you. They operate with FOG - fear, obligation, guilt. (((((hugs)))) look after you
sharyn - the frig is so farfetched - whether she is looking for a reaction or really believes it, who knows - maybe a bit of both. She is on another roll this morning. I told her after over 90 emails in 10 days I had heard enough about her situation to have some understanding, that I did not want to fight, and that I would not visit her if she was angry. I sympathize about the blaming. Everything that happened to us when I grew up was my fault or my father's fault - never the golden child - my sister. I sure understand that you are in a turmoil inside -it is very hard to get past this stuff
Hi sal - sorry about the cancer - and also about your sister - no heart there. I do think the best thing is to change your expectations. They only bring grief. Since she has so much money, and she has little time would she be willing to pay for some one to help you with your mum or give you a break? Might be worth asking and if not you have to let it all go for your own peace of mind.

cmag - have been wondering about your mum too.

mother is back to her old tricks asking for help and then getting upset when I do anything - she gave me the phone number of her case worker and then told me I must not call her. She gave me the phone number of an agency that provides info about doctors taking new patients and asked me to call them which I did. They gave me a website and I spent quite a lot if time this morning going through names, ratings etc and made a list for mother. She emailed me back that she had called them and she thinks they will send her a list (maybe they will but they wouldn't send me one) and that I should not call anyone unless she asks me to. I have to say I am not impressed! I told her not to give me phone numbers if she does not want me to call people and that this had happened before. She asks for help, I do what she asks and she gets mad that I did something, and, if I don't call gets mad that I don't help her. I told her it is called a no-win situation and I am not interested in being involved in those. and wasting my time as I did this morning looking up doctors for her, so do not ask for help unless you really want it. I also said I was taking a break from emailing. I just decided I will not put my name on her accounts as I strongly suspect she will pull the same kind of thing. The leopard does not change its spots. I will deal with the money thing as necessary.

ahhh - busy enough getting ready for the trip to BC - didn't need this. Better get back to the laundry etc. ((((((hugs))))) to all

I am the youngest of 7 kids. I am 47 and my oldest brother is 67. I am currently on disability and suffering from clinical depression exacerbated bipolar and peri-menopause. Moved with mom to get back on my feet. My mom is 90 and in need of assistance. She no longer can drive. Needs emotional support, groceries, somebody to go to her Dr. with her. Generally to make sure she her medical and emotional needs are being met and to feel that she has the ability to depend on someone when she needs them so that at this time in her life she can relax knowing all is taken care of. She has a living will, etc. very on the ball early enough that all things such as that are completely taken care of she did not want to burden others when the time cameos she took care of all things involving her death and in case of sudden stoke, heart attack, or life support needed and how she would want us to handle it.

My question is I am very ill and my brothers and sisters will not help unless asked for the most part. She doesn't deserve not to have. A soft place to fall. It seems they feel if they don't get to involved then she doesn't get any worse and will live forever. I can't even leave the house most of the time and am really angry I have adrenal fatigue so badly that I am so exhausted at times I can't walk down the stairs. My mom and I are having to rely on one another and I do the best that I can. On good days I shop for her, clean, do laundry. and have found her on the floor three times, once she was hospitalized for a cracked sternum from falling. VNA came and helped her for two weeks. I am so in need of caring for myself if given the chance I would be able to really give her the care she needs. But I don't have a chance to get well to do so. I am feeling worse because I constantly worry for her and my siblings are such a mess and just won't hear my plea. Please help I am lost and at my wits end. I want to have a life someday and need to attend to myself so I can someday. My mother deserves more. They are in denial. Not until I have to ask can I get somebody to just shop on occasion when I can't. Some of them are very dysfunctional including myself but i admit my issues. lLosing my mom is probably the scariest thing for a few of my family including myself but I am so sick I cannot even really think that way right now it's day by day as best my mom and me know how.

Please advise I'm in a very desperate state and so hurt. Martha66