The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Well, it's been another rollercoaster couple of days. Talked with Mom yesterday afternoon, and she was in a terrific mood. Called her back in the evening (she had leftover takeout chicken she was warming up - all excited), and she didn't answer the phone. Finally called me back. Never thought she'd be alone, rotten supper. She only eats snacks (she has fridges full of food). I think she didn't make it to the restroom in time. We've gone over - go on a regular basis, even if you don't have to go, get Depends with more coverage, etc. She refuses. I don't know if she wants me around to diaper her, carry her to the restroom, do the cleanup, not sure. Basically, I'm a rotten daughter. She really wanted a big old fight. Nope. Phone went on mute and the volume went down to almost none. I sat writing in my journal furiously, but didn't say one word.
So I call her tonight. Two calls, no answer. She calls me back. Did you call twice? Yes. She has caller id, so I know it was fishing for something. She got some wash done today, but that was it. We go into her greatest hits again - never thought she'd be alone, rotten daughter, how dare I buy a house on my own without asking anyone's opinion (aka - her opinion), three bedrooms - what was I thinking? Then she said she wouldn't mention again about my needing to go to the dentist (this is the 100th last time she was mentioning it - at least). Ironically, she did not do a thing for my crooked teeth as a child, worrying about the cost. We had the funds, more than enough. She said she didn't know what to do or where to take me. Uh, neighbor kids had braces, so that's BS. A family who had virtually no money got braces for a classmate of mine. When I saw her beautiful teeth, and she made sure to say hi to me, right after high school, I wanted to crawl into the ground. Her family gave a damn about her. Mine, clearly did not. Mom also participated in many 'bucky beaver' jokes at my expense, which she now denies. But she did so much for me! She's tried to work on our relationship, doesn't know what's wrong with me!! What a laugh. She never asked me ever about my hopes and dreams, just told me to do this and do that. She quite frankly only saw her kids as objects, extensions of herself and not separate people. If you dared to like something different, she'd make fun of you. There's just so much water under the bridge, which she doesn't understand, because she thinks she was the best mother, hardest worker in the world. Yeah, she worked hard, but it was so everyone would give her praise. And she'd point that out to everyone, look how much I did in the yard! Just needed attention all the time. It was her castle, her way, no deviation allowed.
Now she's on a kick that she doesn't want my brother to have to walk in the rain (if it rains on Easter Sunday) to her house. He doesn't park in her driveway if I'm there. I'm like so you want me to leave before he gets there? Well.....
So you want me to come and do your housework but don't want me to go to church with you? Fine. I said I won't come. Problem solved. Radio silence. Then she went on a rant how she wouldn't allow a dirty car in her garage. "You have stuff all over your car". Yes, and most of it is cleaning supplies to clean up your messy house (didn't say that but that is what it is). Your car is always so dirty. I would always do my work before I'd play. Your brother keeps things so neat. Yeah, he's almost obsessive compulsive about being clean. Everything is done via passive aggressive digs - you're reading into stuff. Uh huh. Doubtful I'll be going there this weekend. She's really wanting a big old fight, and I don't care enough to drive there just to fight.

Thanks for the questions. No, I have not put dad on a list for senior housing. Can't do that. Some people can, I can't. As far as my SIL, it was a short term but long time dealing with it ramping up to her death then the aftermath of paperwork. I had 2 piles of paperwork on each side of my desk for a year with my SIL and my BILs medical estate issues.
I did make a commitment to my dad to take care of him, silly me, I thought my siblings would help as they said they would but alas, not.
I can't very well put dad in a facility when I have the resources here. Even if he were in an apartment in a senior complex he wouldn't take care of himself. Unless there was a staff of people to wait on him it wouldn't be a good picture. He doesn't do lonely well as the country song goes. He does get out for church committees and his lodge. His car is about ready to go and he has no money for another. I have my daughters car here she uses when she is home and my wife is adamant for him not to use it (it was her sisters given to our daughter). I guess I have to look for a used car now for him if his croaks this summer. Cant afford another car payment.
It is just when it is me and my wife it is nice here, when one person is in the house the tension rises, just the snippets of comments made at the most unopprotune time is frustrating. Just my b*tching.
I know I should do something about senior housing but I can't bring myself to it, The relationship[ would be severed. Like when he was in rehab I had to visit him daily and bring food and clothes, that is what it would be like and made so much worse that I would rather deal with it here. I will talk with my sister to see if he can go to her place for a month this summer. Maybe that would help. Need a a break after 5 years.

FYI, therapy is not for me, had to do it as a child (way too much water under that bridge to discuss) and then marriage counseling many years ago. Took 3 counselors to go through to find one who helped in 2 visits. The first one took sides, the second one had us fighting even more, the third one said "I cant fix you, you have to fix your selves, here are the tools".... and we did! That was over 20 years ago. We have been great ever since, not easy but it is us and we are very happy together. Marriage is hard work and we know it but we are in it together.

TG, your dad is LONELY living with you. In a senior living setting, he'd have a ready made audience for his stories.

I think you are looking at this picture through the lens of Fear, Obligation and Guilt.

It seems to me that your wife is using those good marriage counseling tools-- good, honest communication skills-- to tell you that this situation no longer works for her. But you are putting your " commitment " to your dad above your commitment to her.

Be aware of what the consequences of your actions might be.

The other day my Hubs and I were at a store and when we went to the checkout the cashier said "you two are funny" I guess she had heard us bickering. I said back to her, we argue about the stupidest things. She said "yeah, it's called a relationship" :)

A not too dysfunctional day here. I’ll take it. Scrubbed the tile floor in the screened cat room. Amazing how tracked litter and dropped morsels of cat food can set up like glue on tile and grout. Will wash off ceiling fan and furniture tomorrow, hips and knees won’t let me stand any more. Had to conserve enough strength for dinner prep and cleanup.
It’s been very quiet, with my sons involved in their own lives. At least nobody wanted a piece of me today, lol.
Hope everybody gets some relaxation this evening. We all earned it, I’m sure.

Siss, I feel for you and understand where you are comming from. Upon joining, this forum, a lot of feedback I got was narcississm. I learned that my mother was a narcissist and did some reading that was suggested and learning about what I was actually dealing with helped me learn how to cope with my mother and my feelings. I am still a work in progress. I cant remember all but on that stands out was Melodie Beattie on utube.
Its a struggle. The ramifications are deep rooted. My mother's dementia has softened the incidents but its still there and as you mentioned about the water under the bridge its a huge history embedded in my heart and mind.

I wish you all the best in dealing with your mom. I think learning more about narcissism will help you through some of the rough moments.

Tgene, Barbs has given you pearls of wisdom, which she does so very well.

Barbs, thanks in so many ways for being you, and for caring enough to comment.

Update, I came home from work this morning and my mother was clean in some clean fresh clothes. My first thought was that APS got in touch with nephew and they set up appointment with him and twisted and they cleaned her up and presented a pretty smoke screen.

Well thank goodness that didnt happen. Mr. G. APS says he left message but will be contacting me for MD visit. Their concern is getting proper care and proper repairs in house YAY!!!!

So I am really happy, of course I didnt sleep today,. The case manager Mrs. J. called to enquire if I had picked up ensure and not to let it get mailed back because they cant resend it;. (my mother is getting a supply of ensure from meal on wheels.) Attempt to deliver failed on friday 8am morning before she was able to notify me to expect delivery. So during this reminder call she mentioned aps had called her about my mother case and meanwhile I see she is all fresh and clean and I could not rest my mind until I got in touch with Mr. Grant to find out what was going on. I feel as if this APS intervention is my last resort to get help for my mother and if this fails the fake tyranny, rejection, neglect and spiteful ness will not be checked and it will take something bad to happen to my mother and even then I dont think they will have a clue or really even care.

Then my Aunt called asking me to call and speak to Sham's (recently deceased cousin) second oldest daughter. She is on a train wreck path, been suspended and put out of three schools and now on 50 day suspension from present school.They were going to arrest her and two other girls for setting fire in bathroom. That means Child Protective Services and foster care which is not anice thing at all considering various types of abuse that happen in such places.

I am hoping that when I do speak with her that it will help get her on the right track. The father cant take any more days off from work. My aunt and her oldest sister who just had baby have been trying and it seems she cursing out teachers and anyone who crosses her path. She is 12 years old and the teacher were giving her a break knowing her mother had just passed on but no its getting crucial.

Girl, glad you had a quiet day.

Golden, hope you are feeling better.

Rays of love and light to all. Smile its contagious!!! Something we need to spread like butter!!!! :)

I am off for a few. Following up on medical things. God Bless you all and Keep you.

Kinda, sorta "if I am interested" invite from ts2 for Easter. Oh and I can invite any of my kids that I want. UFFDA! Why won't she just provide the information I requested and actually required under the trust? Why the heck is it called a trust anyway?! None here.

Hi, I'm not around like I once was. I read now and then as well as respond sometimes.

We will intern my dad's ashes late in May over his parent's grave in his home town. We have had to wait for the winter ground to thaw since the end of last fall after his death.

More inheritance from my dad's estate came in the mail today. The items included a leather bound pocket copy of Thomas a Kempis The Imitation of Christ (which is a deep Christian classic devotional book) , his New Testament plus other things that included his college class ring from the 50's after WW II and high school ring from 1943. There was also a check from a refund after my dad's final taxes for last year.

I will be glad to get his ashes interned. It's been a long wait, but now there will be some closure.

Take care of yourself everyone and do something nice for yourself today.

a quick drive by - I will respond to posts soon. I have been reading and my thoughts and prayers are with you all.

Having tried a few meds, the one so far that helps IS melatonin and I found scientific papers that confirm this for CFS and FM. Now to deal with dose and side effects. It is great to be without daily pain.

I feel so much better on it and have been able to be more active which is a good thing as 15 yr old granddaughter (dgd) going on 25 is looking to me for more contact and support. We are spending more time together, doing things like shopping, talking and she is doing a little work around the house for me (with guidance) for $$$. It's an all around win win. Of course it means I have to spend more time with my grandson too (dgs) to keep things fair. So I am working on that as well.

There is only a very small chunk of ice on the front lawn which is about normal for this time of year, and there has been lots of nice sunshine,

Life is looking up. Take care all and be good to you. In the words of the infamous Arnie "I'll be back!" 😊

DDDuck, Good to see t out are getting some help with yo mom. I hope that it all works out.

My psych Rx'd a low dose of gabapentin to see if that helps some of my symptoms. It seems as benign a thing to try, and after two days of taking it I had a day with SO much more energy that it seems it had to be connected somehow.

I take melatonin half the time at night, just a half of a 3mg melt tablet usually. It seems to help me a lot because there were so many years of struggling to get a proper sleep schedule, and now I have one. But also, I think my job hours are possibly the best benefit for my sleep right now, because I can sleep until 8 or even 9 in the morning if I'm tired, and I'm getting in bed at 10-11, and this just works for me in a way that trying to get in bed earlier so I could get up earlier never did work well for me in the past. I can get a workout in at 10am before heading to work at 11am a few days a week. ALL of this is helping me, I'm sure.

Having chronic fatigue as a major symptom has helped me to understand there are very different kinds of "tired." When I've taken, for example, pain pills after a procedure in the past, I notice that I will have "more energy." It almost seems like blocking pain or nerves, for me, can be helpful with low energy issues. Now isn't that weird but it seems to be the case for me.

Good evening folks. Hopefully this will be better than a driveby.

glad - thx - just have to go with the flow. Ts2 is unbelievable. It smells fishy to me Are you going there for Easter? Sounds like a distraction to me.

Gershun - I have been thinking of you and your situation. How is your bro and your blood pressure? For me there is some comfort in keeping a log and seeing that it is in a decent range. Hope bro is improving. My dd had low BP and high pulse most of her life.

trying -thx - unpredictable is the order of the day.

stacey - wow, just wow. You did it. I have shied away from a condo too. Your new purchase sounds perfect for you and hub. I think a 55 and older park is great. You will make lots of new friends. The greenbelt and the creek sound wonderful. Happy decorating!

girlsaylor - Hope your gut is feeling better. Sounds like you have been very active some days.

duck thx - a dr to evaluate your mum sounds good. and loving yourself is good. Your Thanksgiving trip sounds awesome. Keep that BP down!!! Can you get some PT for your leg pain? Feeling better thx.

tg -you can change what you want to, do what you want to. Resources or lack of the, include you and your wife's state of mind. and stress levels. If he requires 24/7 nursing care for years will you and your wife be up for that?? I too do not understand why you resist other options.

Sissisu - so glad you backed away from a fight with mom. I hang up when people start insulting me. Your mum sounds somewhat narcissistic - the extension of self thing. The effect of all that water under the bridge does not go away. Comparisons between offspring suck and I hate the P-A digs. My sis is a master at that. Sounds good to stay away.

cmag - nice you got more from your dad's estate. Hope your May trip goes well and you get some closure.

ali - wondering why you take the melatonin half the time. Am I missing something? Good sleep is so important. Glad the gabapentin is helping, Pain is very draining. I am not surprised relief of it helps you. Dd gets migraines and says she is wiped the day after. I found that with my worst days the last couple of months - if I had a pain free day after a bad one I was wiped too.

I spoke too soon. The melatonin is helping but not banishing all my woes. But rather than pain I will call it discomfort which is better than before. I am on a very low dose 1/4 of a 3 mg and will stay with it for a while. then up it if needed.

Dgd wanted to go shopping today but I declined. I need some down days from her young energy. I think I am starting to come back to life after the winter and with the help of the melatonin. I weathered the stove issue though I am not pleased that one burner has quit. It's glass top so replacement is not that easy. It looks like my appliances are failing just when I want to sell the house. So as well as a dishwasher I may need a new stove. The temp set/control doesn't work well either. I will call my friendly appliance tech and get his advice. The dishwasher is prob 20 years old so it definitely owes me nothing. . The stove is about 10 -11 yrs and the average they last is about 13! Hope the fridge holds up. Darn, will this never end?

Hope all are having a good Easter/holiday weekend. Don't overdo the chocolate. now! 🍫

Golden, the reason for "half the time" with melatonin is that I'm taking it as a sleep aid. If I'm plenty drowsy and will have no trouble getting to sleep, I may skip it, and I may fall asleep without even thinking to take it. I take it often, just not *every* evening.

Golden, thx for asking. My brother is not doing well. I just got back from seeing him and he has taken another turn for the worse. They were supposed to insert a trachea tube today cause he keeps pulling his breathing tube out but he has yet another infection he is fighting off so that is being postponed.

I'm having a good bawl right now. I feel so helpless and sad. Not feeling sorry for myself. Just feeling very distraught about the whole situation.

Gershun I am sorry.. my thoughts are with you and your brother

ali thx I am finding the combo of low dose antid's with melatonin reduces fatigue and pain, which comes back if I overdo it. I know you don't have much luck with antids. The small dose of melatonin I am taking helps me to sleep sounder so far but still not long enough. I crash many afternoons for a good hour. Thank goodness for retirement.

gershun - I am sorry about your bro. Crying is normal and a good release and not at all about feeling sorry for oneself. Even if you did, that's OK. It is a very upsetting situation. ((((((hugs))))) Keep us updated, please. Your and bro are in my prayers.

Hope everyone or most of you anyway are having a good Easter weekend. I spent most of today trying to sort out my computer. I lost Office 365 somehow and thankfully got it back and working after reinstalling it several times. Hitman Pro disappeared too but one reinstall worked. One Drive is being a pain with image files so I think I will transfer some of my photos onto an external hard drive. In that process, I need to go through them sort them and remove duplicates. That's more than a few hours work.

Take care all. I hope you are treating yourselves. 😊

Happy Easter Everyone!

Lots of memories flared today as I saw a few kids all dolled up.
Easter came so quick. I used to buy my oldest grand a nice dress and shoes and the sides. Now with I forget, but even if I didn't its kinda hard to deck out three girls. :) Plus its hard to find the stores, everything is changing and closing down around here for the high-end stores.

Gershun, my thoughts and prayers are with you and your brother. Take care of yourself and your blood pressure.

Becky, Thanks.

Golden, all went well. The doctor came to evaluate my mother. He said he could see how stressed I was. I hope I dont look that rough around the edges. But thats what stress does. Anyway he said to keep up the therapy and that the tears help us feel better as the help release certain transmitters in the brain. He asked a lot about family history, backgrounds jobs, children. Very thorough. I had to get a grip on my self and not get emotional but I just cant seem to get over how this family is and how the hell we got like this. Oh I know!# but I never thought we would get to this. Acutally every one is doing exactly what we always did. Anyways he told the APS Mr. G. that what ever way he goes he will support it. Mentioning guardian ship. I had a scare wed. when I got home. My mother was all cleaned up and I thought APS had got intouch with twisted and son but upon finally reaching Mr. G. he says he just left a message but has had not contact. Then later that afternoon I go out to store and hear the waterfall again. The basement is flooded again almost to the boiler and hotwater heater. As I am trying to find a neighbor to shut the water off (I got it now after two shocks) I see my sister come in. We come in right behind her and its like she didnt even walk through or check anything just went upstairs. APS cant help with that! unfortunately, but that is one of my worst issues. The cat is shedding, the halls are tracked with dirt and the house is falling apart. Its like no one has a clue about accountablility and I am just learning to let it go,

So I was very happy, hopefully the reign of sickness will be checked soon. So much needs to be done and I am honestly burnt and tired, At least a message from APS left with my nephew got them to bath her and change her clothes.
I tried to get her to let me wash her hair. She used to let me do it, but now she is very illusive with it. As the weather is getting nice she lingers at the door but I cant take her on my runs because she doesnt listen andI cant handle her. She chuckled when I let her know I was aware of how slick she was being trying to work a way out. When I tell her to come take a look out side she hesitates. Then later I peak out at her checking the door.

She loves counting changes and is very possessive of anything she puts her hand on including my purse or bags or clothees or laundry. I just ordered a new remote because I gave up the struggle to get it back, and then forgot about it. It will show up in a few months.

I am really hoping to find the time to do some real cleaning and got through her bags and stash. The mice are still coming in and staying and I just got put a possible ant invasion in check. I sprinkled red pepper where I see them come through so aged wood in front of bathroom and bought poison.

My pressure is up and down. The pain at the sole of my feet seems to be resolving. The groin pain is still there but better. Knees buckle up with pain if a turn a certain way or pivot on my feet or just move a certain way.

Golden, Ali, neurontin is supposed to be good for the brain. When l worked the traumatic brain injury unit just about everyone who came down from the icu's was on neurontin and a lot. Years later I was taking it for my Knee pain but it didnt seem to make a difference. Its supposed to be good for nerve pain. Anyway I think it had an issue and I stopped taking it but its still around.

An acquaintance takes it and when her dose was doubled she says she felt good and had so much energy.

Anyway my good spirits prevail, and I feel a tad happier than I have for a long time. I stay in prayer and I am somewhat nervous about the outcomes of this Aps situation. If twisted and son dont respond its going to go to a serious level.

Well anyways I did a small attempt at an Easter Dinneryesterday. I made some collard greens with pig tail and neck bones. Now when it was all done I had them out in a bowl to make room for the next thing to cook in crock pot. you should have seen my mother fix her plate.! it was funny and I was real glad to see her enjoying her food and eating on her own. I was trying to tell her everything was not ready but it was useless. So she had that with some ribs and last I made some chicken Parmesan my version which she also enjoyed.
Its so very difficult and to cook one thing at a time but I love lthat crock pot express. Usually I get to watch my favorite shows but without the remote I could not get into on-demand.

Anyways, I hope you all had a lovely day.

Rays of love and light. Smile, Smile Smile!!!

I'm doing well thanks. 34 year old man taking care of a widowed fully paralyzed father for the last 8 years. Been through a few serious relationships ending because of my predicament and the fact that I put my father over everything else in my life. I've learned so much along my journey. I can proudly say I'm an unofficial nurse, home health aide, financial manager, doctor, etc... for my dad. I poured my heart and soul into him, learning EVERYTHING I needed to in order to be the best support possible. I finally found a girlfriend that appreciates who I am and what I do for my family. My social life is practically nonexistent but who cares? I have my father, my gf, and a few close friends that have had my back since day 1. The rest have disappeared, but they can kick rocks. Did me a favor, as they weren't great friends/family to begin with. I also work 2 jobs from home while caring for him. I've had to quit prestigious jobs when caregivers would unexpectedly quit on us and I had ZERO support in place other than myself. Life is a constant battle but I've refused to lose. My next step is to start a support group in my location to educate others in my role and help give them hope. Best of luck to everyone! Please let me know if you have any questions. I'd love to help in anyway I can!

I hope everyone had a decent Easter. I worked a long shift yesterday. It’s neen rather stressful as we have a 41 yr d who is useless. I dislike using that word but he is only working to satisfy his probation. He will be getting dismissed on a week or two after our new hire is trained.

My brother came home today! Great news and I’m so happy for him.

Sharyn, that is SUCH great news about your brother!

Thanks Barb, it is such a relief after 8 months in the hospital. Thank goodness my sister in law is a fighter with advocating on my brothers behalf.

Welcome Nicky and well done! Sounds like you have all your ducks in a row so I am wondering where the dysfunctional family comes in.

sharyn - that is so great! All of you and especially his immediate family must be delighted. Glad your work situation is going to improve. Nice to hear from you. I have been wondering how you are.

Barb - how's your husband?

I am done with fixing my computer for a while. Found another program that had to be reinstalled, then removed and replaced with an older version which works. I think the soft wear is OK now, but another port quit, and I don't do hardware repairs. Been looking for a replacement and put a bid on ebay for an older Asus for $20.00 Lol We'll see.

A little more melatonin at night definitely improved my sleep, but the morning "groggies" were still there. However, more sleep and less pain is good.

I find I am psychologically "done" with looking after mother's stuff, but, unfortunately, it is not done. It guess it will get done eventually. The last few years have worn me out. Thankful to still be able to do what I can. Maybe it is time to read some fiction -an easy way to escape for a bit.

Yea Sharyn, that is great news about your brother! I hope he continues to improve until he is back to his old self!

Golden, Yes I Did It, finally! Lol! We are now completely out of my Sister's MIL apartment and into our new home, and we Love it! New couches were delivered today and the new carpet is being installed on the 3rd.

Next up, painting all around and put up there new curtains I bought off of EBay, and I am thrilled with them, so pretty!

We still have lots more stuff to come out of storage, like all of the rest of my furniture, but we are holding back until after carpet is in. Still plenty to unpack and put away, so no rest for the wicked! I am glad to hear that you are getting better sleep, as that is one thing I struggle with too.

I have recently begun taking Meloxicam for Arthritis pain and Wow does it ever work great for me! I only wish that I had started it years ago. 6 weeks on it now, and not 1 Tylenol or Ibuprofen, it's Awesome, and my pain is so much improved!

I hope you are feeling and doing well, and that the cold Winter weather is behind you. Spring is definitely blooming here, and we are excited about planning and planting in our new gardens. And Wow, is it ever Quiet here too!

DDuck, hoping that everything works out, and you get the services and support set up for your Mom and you too! Sorry that you are dealing with stress and aches and pains, I've got plenty of those myself. It sucks getting old!

Love to everyone! Stacey

Yes Golden, we are all thrilled he is home. He is still using a walker, but the trach is out. They may join a gym and work out together slowly.

Yes work has has been unbelievable with the stories this guy comes up with to get out of work. Once he is dismissed, he will go to jail for 14 days. We have given every chance and much feedback to improve.

stacey, I’m so happy for you and your hubby. This has been a long time coming for you two. It’s so much fun and exciting to put together a new home to love and enjoy, new memories to make too!

Hey Golden thanks! Forgot to mention. Have a brother that helps with nothing. Lives with us and comes and goes as he pleases. Usually, there's one in every family. That's the only issue lol.

Thank you Sharyn, I'll bet your new home is all set up beautifully and your gardens are blooming, I know you enjoy your gardening! So happy for your brother, that's amazing!

Gershun, sorry to hear about your brother, very sad indeed, however do not give up hope, modern medicine works wonders these days and the power of prayer too! I will keep him in my prayers, its OK to feel sad, but do try to keep your spirits up too!

Sharyn, GREAT!