The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Frazzeled!! Congratualations!!! I am so happy for you.!!! Seems like lawyer's plan has your sister in check, that is great. I guess its stressful with the older children and having this brand new blessing. I think you are so blessed.

I hope everyone is in good health and good spirits.

Sissu, be strong. Twisted sister Yikes!!!! Amundo!!!!!

Barbs, thanks for the advice.

Golden I hope you are cheered up and taking care.

Country, Barbs, I admire your spirits.

Well, I am still waiting for further from APS. I am sure it takes time. I just hope the case isnt dropped or overlooked.

Had another flood in the basement, 2nd within two weeks, we had heavy rain fall all day on friday,. Flood in the basement, I hear the water fall, not as strong as a few weeks ago (that sounded like niagra falls in the house) This last one was not so bad but any leak is bad. I turned of water. Monday I was going to reach out for advice, as I have decided to go "no contact" with my nephew and stay no contact with my twisted. Just like last time, I knew she would call nephew. Only it stayed off for three days. I turned it on Sat and sun to shower and clean dishes, wondering when twisted or nephew would address issue. I knew if I texted him it would be on me. I have almost exhuasted my funds trying to keep things up. Then get blamed for every single thing, while no one else does anything. My nephew has authority to pay bills from account and uses it to take care of any issue upstairs. But not to fix buckling floor around toilet and other repairs. Its not my house. I have already said we can all chip in and do repairs and that is just out of the question because my sister pays nothing, never did. So I am counting on APS Guardianship to take over manageing my mothers's care and disrepair of her living area.
She is eating well and I have had some funny moments with her I wanted to share but have forgotten. Almost forgot this one this afternoon as I am feeding her, she takes the fork and feed me! lol so I ate it. yes you can feed me too! I think she is getting used to the idea of being fed, like accepting it.

I will be glad to get a home attendant so I can get her bathed regularly and take her out and do things like plant or anything out side. Things two sisters would normally do toghether for their aging mother. I see similar scenarios in the street and I tear up.

So now surgeon's office called about apt I canceled when the bowel study was canceled. Its approved now so I will be back to making those appointments to prepare for surgery.

Here I go again. All these events are stressfull. I mean I worried so much around this APS case and it went so easy, was very emotional, as something like this really tells on the family. Things you want to hide like the dysfunction. Just as I told the casemanager for the meals, a lot of questions she asked, I lied about my mother to make her look good like I always have. This time I told the truth.com. and even as I felt wrong almost like a traitor exposes the family secret, I felt good because hopeful this will improve the quality of what left of my mother's life.

Anyways, I am so grateful to be a part of this forum. I know I am long winded and stray and babble and I appreciate any and all of you who care enough to comment, be honest and truthfull and give guidance there were and still are something I couldnt see or understand which I eventually did see and come to terms with and that was because I could considered the options that were directed at me. And my goodness I do so appreciated you all!

I think all of us have dysfunctional families when it comes to parental caregiving.

Whenever there is a perception of an imbalance of that which might be worth fighting over -
attention
love
money
power
favoritism
responsibility
stuff and/or
limited time

The environment is well-suited for war.

Too bad. I loved my family and felt (long ago) like they were mentally healthy.

Duck, You’re taking good care of your mother and trying to get her the services she needs. I hope it all goes well and your surgery as well. Give yourself a big pat on the back.

I came here because I am at my wits end... Today I am horrible... Maybe I'll sleep n be good in the morning. If things move 2 inches I took them. If the room isn't 70 I'm trying to freeze her... Most days I'm ok... Tonight I want to scream. Some says are just so much worse than others... Sorry... New here. Just venting to people who may understand.

Chriss, people on here do understand, trust me. Keep on venting.

This is such a great place! Honestly, it makes it a little easier, and lets me know that I'm not completely crazy.
Mom was in an okay-ish mood last night when I called her. Grumpy and went on mini tirades, but not full Armageddon type rants.
I kept comments to very bland responses, and topics to like the weather (oh it's rotten weather - which I'm sure is all MY fault - LOL).
I could tell she wanted a big old fight or reaction from me, to get validation that she'd upset me. Nope. I was cool as a cucumber on the phone. I vented in my journal big time, though.

Today, late morning, I get a call from Mom. I'm like oh she wants something. Yeah, she wanted to yell at me. Do you know how to clean a bathroom? Yes. Well you didn't shake out the rug (this is all in the guest bathroom), and the shower curtain wasn't pulled one way or the other. Keep in mind I cleaned her filthy bathroom, pee and poop stains on the floor, toilet which was an awful mess, cleaned off her countertop and sink - which I had to scrub. That one got me - you can't take a wipe and run it over the sink once a week? And, I did shake out the rug - did so to all her rugs.
The phone went on mute and she ranted away, how she'd had to clean up many times after I'd left, with poop on or all over the toilet (lies). I actually kept the phone on mute as she just went on and on - I was blamed for everything wrong in her life. I'm totally selfish, I never do a damned thing for her! She really wanted to elicit a response from me, to show that she'd upset me (she did - made me mad). I think it's because (1), she's in such a bad mood so she wants me to be in a bad mood, too; (2) she's a narcissist and any attention is needed to fill the void she has; (3) it's a way to get control and power - if I say something back to her or get angry and start WWIII, I'm giving my power to her, I'm allowing her to alter my mood or plans for the day.
I'm so over it at this point. Sadly, she just doesn't see she's self-sabotaging. Wondering if she thinks oh if I yell, she'll do more to "make up" or that I'll try harder to please her or invite her to my house. It does just the opposite.

Then after all her ranting, she said oh have a nice day. Seriously?
Well, yeah, I'm going to try and enjoy the rest of my day. I hope everyone here can do the same.

I THOUGHT I came from a "normal" family, but how wrong I was growing up!  So, like everyone else, I just do what I think is best.  I listen to what others have to say, then do what I think is best.  I try what others say to do, and it doesn't work out for me, so I do what I think is best.  So far, my ideas have worked out best.  The others can do THEIR thing when it comes THEIR time to deal with what I have been dealing with.  Then we will see how it works out for THEM!

Thank you for all the positive comments. I know it seems I just keep ranting on about the same issues and I have nothing to complain about compared to what most of you are going through. There is only so much I can complain about to my lovely understanding wife. It helps to get it off my chest so I dont pop a blood vessel!
This AM he comes down and his new thing is to watch my video screen in my desk that has the security cameras around the house over my shoulder in my office, (4 screens on my desk, yes overkill). I installed them for 2 reasons, security for one, the second is since I am stuck in the basement I need to see who is arriving at the house like UPS FedEX someone at the front door.
He stands behind me watching the screen for his ride to show up. He has a 6 foot window in his living room that looks over the driveway and the stream in the yard (formally known as my beautiful office). Watching over my shoulder goes right along with nails on a blackboard. This is MY OFFICE!!!!! IM WORKING! Then proceeds to ask to borrow money because someone cashed a 3 month old check.... I wish I ran my life so easy......
Sliding doors are going up in my office next week... just another layer of closing me into the dungeon..... So what am I supposed to say you can't borrow money?
My former office his now living room I had to install french doors to keep it quiet and private. Lucky I did as it keeps some of the noise down in his living room. I guess the same for my basement office......

Sigh. Now that you have trained him so well in "borrowing" money from you it is indeed going to be a difficult habit to break.

Turn it over in your mind casually. He gives you the spiel about the "stone me I issued a check months ago and somebody cashed it how could he be so inconsiderate I really wasn't expecting that I'm a bit short can you sub me $x..." - which is actually what he was doing in your office, wasn't it, nothing at all to do with waiting for his friend - just suppose you say:

"No. I'm sick of it. Don't ask me again."

What would he say? I'm just curious, but you know his speech patterns and I don't. What words would he speak?

You have no obligation to loan him money. Just say no. He asks and demands like a petulant child. You have let him take over your house. Tell him you gave him adequate for himself and that he is expected to spent time in his space, during your work time. Give him a budget for his spending money. Until you set and enforce boundary, he is going to continue to act the way he does.

And the kicker today is his car died..... now I have to let him drive my daughters car (she lives in NYC) until I can figure out how to buy him another car so he doesn't drive this one into the ground. Crap... more money out of my pocket.... He cant afford to buy one and my sister gave him $6,000 to fix the car 3 years ago.... Will have to find a cheap car that I hope wont bankrupt me with repairs...... He is lucky I have an extra car, what if I didn't? The level of expectation is unbelievable. Everyone has to pony up!!!!!!

So what would happen if you didn't buy him a car, if you didn't allow him to use your daughters? If you tell him you are working and ask him to leave? If you don't fork over extra money when he blows through his? Aside from him throwing a tantrum like a two year old and you somehow blaming yourself for not being rich enough, charitable enough, (doormat enough) to be all things to all people?

Seriously Tgengine? YOU are the Problem in this scenario, by continuing "give in" to your Dad, time and time again! It's no wonder that your Dad and Daughters have the "failure to launch", and continue to return to the family home, and with husband's and boyfriends ("fiancee's") to boot! This Is all your fault, as you have never been strong enough put your foot down, and just says NO!

None of them, Dad and daughters, will ever Grow Up as long as Daddy continues to open up his wallet at every little turn! Let the old man figure out his own ride issues, he's got friends, granddaughters, a Girlfriend, Uber, public transportation and maybe even the Senior bus for a reduced fee. Krimminy, will you be My Daddy?

You go on about how You have given up your home, You have no privacy with your wife at This Age? You are having to go without vacations, that You are having to spend all of Your money on their cars and insurances, their travel expenses and living expenses, but the key person here is YOU! You have never set boundaries for your Loved ones, and now You are paying the price for your lack of smart "parenting"!

Of course you Love them, but let (force) them to stand on their own 2 feet for once, and learn the hard lessons that we all have had to learn in life, that money doesn't grow on trees, and that you have to work for what you want, or they will Never learn the Normal Life Lessons, NEVER, hence your Dad there with his hand out! "Son will fix this, he Always does!

You say that Dad has no money to get out on his own, and get himself a Senior apartment, but this is not true! From everything that you have said over the years, he sounds perfectly capable living on his own, he can manage his own ADL'S, he can drive, can shop, can cook and clean, can go away on his own on Vacations with others, and that's Wonderful, you are very lucky that he isn't fully dependant on you for these things, as many here on the forum have agonized over.

There ARE Senior resources out there to supplement his lack of financial resources, many others here have had to find them, and my guess is that once implemented, he would do very well and would probably Thrive out on his own, but you would to search them out and help him to apply for them. Have you ever even Tried to get him the help he would need to become self sufficient? Everything is possible, but you have to research the resources out there!

Have you ever considered that it is YOU that is the stumbling block here in this equation, maybe it is YOU who is the "happy enabler", who subconsciously enjoys the being the "Savior" in all of this, and then Enjoys complaining about it all. You might do well getting some counseling to come to terms that you are doing your dependant loved ones more harm than good, allowing them to always have you as the "fall guy", it makes you feel needed in their lives, but in actuality you are doing them a disservice by not allowing them to grow the he** up!

Llisten, I mean no disrespect, I know that you are a Great guy, a Great Dad and Son, that you Love your Wife and family to bits, but somewhere along the way they aren't learning and implementing the fundamental principles of being independent of Daddy, and that is not right, and not fair to them! Only you can make this happen for you, but you've got to truly want them to be independent of you, and I don't think you are there yet.

Hi Everyone,

It's me again, checking in. If you all can believe it, but since the first of the year
things have just been coming at me at such a high speed I feel as if I just can't keep up at times. So I just want to say a big hello to everyone here on the forum, and know I've thought about all of you.
O.k., so one of the main things that preoccupied my mental time during the first few months of 2019, has been that my best gf had an unfortunate breast cancer diagnosis. She doesn't live close to me either; it takes about over an hour to get to her place. She got this diagnosis at the end of 2018, and into early January it was all about appointments, etc. I felt so bad for her, and apparently it is a rare kind in terms of the breast cancer. But the other thing I've been going through with her is the fact, that early in January, she just stopped calling me, so I tried keeping in touch through emails. But she basically didn't want to talk about ANYTHING she was going through. She vaguely mentioned when it was she'd have the one breast removed. Even for that, I really didn't know when exactly it was happening so I could be of moral support to her. Now she is someone that I usually talk to at least every other day. Now nada, at a time like this.

All I could really do, is send her short emails, but after awhile not knowing absolutely anything about her situation, I'm kind of at a loss for what to say to her.
She started to respond, but very minimally since all this started.

I know she's been scared out of her wits, understandably so too! But after a few months, I kind of had to take a mental break. I respect that she doesn't want to talk about it, but I know she's also going through lots of isolation, but hey that's up to her. But I also feel like I can't be on the sidelines, wondering either. Still send her short emails; sometimes I'm just out of things to say to her though.

O.K., I'll be looking on AC more often, I have to get ready to go take care of mom, doing an overnighter. BTW......she turned 98 on April 5th. I'll catch up about all that later.

Biggest Hugs to all!
Much Love & Light!

Margeaux

TG, what is it that keeps you from setting boundaries with and saying no to your dad and daughters? Try to think about how all of this makes your wife feel. Surely she can't be happy with the situation either. Are you willing to sit down and have those hard talks with dad and daughters and put an end to the enabling?

Remember, nothing changes if nothing changes.

Tg, every time you post, you say that you don't have it so bad as others.

You have a VERY bad situation.

1. You have an entitled, boorish, manipulative father invading your privacy and precious home.

2. You have two lovely daughters who expect to be supported.

3. You have a saintly wife who is showing physical symptoms of the stressors on your marriage.

4. You have an unreasonable voice in your head that says "must be cheerful, must give them all money and cars, must give up my space, my privacy, my sex life".

You have it quite bad. The only one who can fix this is you. Stop being the enabler in chief. ( I thought you said wife told you no way could dad use car her sister left DD? I wouldn't push your wife.....)

TG, as far as I can tell you don't have a spare car you can let your father use. The car is your daughter's. Has anyone asked her if she's happy to let him drive it? What about insurance? Will he be covered if he's driving the car without the owner's permission?

And have daughter take her car. There are parking lots in the city. Oh, but I know, it is expensive. But then......

Just have daughter remove that temptation and your dad.

I know, I am the enabler..... not sure what to do at this point, I'm stuck...... it will be easy soon, Ill be out of money......

Tg, are your daughters going to be there to hand you money when you retire and are broke?

You need to start saying "no". Not in anger. In self preservation

"Dad, we're going to put your name on some lists for senior apartments. You living here isn't working out any more. You will need to find other accommodations by September 1".

And when he bad mouths you to everyone, just ignore it!!

TG you are like a drowning person who keeps swimming around in circles refusing to even consider grabbing hold of the lifelines we keep throwing your way because you are stubbornly convinced that this is your fate. Nothing will ever change until you grab a lifeline, if you can't act on your own please reconsider finding a therapist.

TG, your situation brings to mind a fictional story. There was a flood and a car came to pick him up. He said no for God would provide. The water became high and a boat came to rescue him and again he said no for the same reason. Later a helicopter flew by and the man was on the roof. He said no to the rescue effort for the same reason. Then, the flood took the house and the man. In heaven, he was angry at God for not providing. His response was, I sent a car, a boat, and a helicopter.

Do not be like the man in story.

TG, you say. "I know, I am the enabler..... not sure what to do at this point, I'm stuck...... it will be easy soon, Ill be out of money......", but that is just a Cop Out and you know it! You Need to take the Bull By The Horns and Actually Do Something about your situation, Not give up and let them all continue to run right over you!

By saying that, you are just continuing to invite us all to your Pity-Party, you will Forevever be stuck in this Rut, and your life will Never Change, and that is unfair to You and your Dear Wife! The time is Now to Impliment Changes, and take the nesassary steps to improve your life, and ultimately their lives too! Why are you so resistant to changing you situation for the better?

Only You can research the options out there to improve your own situation, but Don't just roll over and give up, we all have Faith that you can be a Success story, and improve your life for you and your Dear Wife, she above all people deserves your efforts! Believe me, it will definately be worth it in the end! Make 2019 Count for Something!

TG, Does your father get social security or a pension? If so, what happens to that money?

Margeaux

sorry about your friend's diagnosis - does she have family to support her through treatment ? Sometimes, folks don't want to be a burden on their friends. Even we caregivers sometimes have trouble accepting help from friends.

When my dear friend was going through treatment, we would meet occassionally for a cup of tea usually not more than 30 minutes or so and I would keep the conversation light and think of things that might provide a chuckle. If I saw a movie on DVD, or some item that I thought she'd like, I would mail it to her as a little thinking of you gift. As often as I offered, she never let me take her treatment, do any chores for her, or see her in her final days - her passing broke my heart

This is what I need

Good advice Madge! I think sometimes when people are sick, especially if it's something serious they just want people to treat them like they always did because all the concern etc. just reminds them more of the seriousness of it all.

I know in my family people are very secretive and I seriously wouldn't know if someone were ill or not unless their appearance changed drastically. I think that stems from my mom's example. She always wanted to keep up appearances even when she was sick. When she was 79 she had actually scheduled a triple bypass and wasn't going to tell us. I found out by seeing surgery written on her calendar.

I wouldn't recommend this behavior by the way. I was really mad at my mom when I found this out. I mean what if she'd died.

But as far as helping a sick friend out. Try to keep things as normal as you can under the circumstances. I M O.

I guess the good part of my situation is that Mom doesn't ask me for money. She uses money as a way to kind of bribe us to stay "loyal".
She's been in a semi-good mood the past few days. Called her today, and said, hello, after it took her a while to answer. She said "well?" I said ok, well wha!t's new there? Nothing, same old Sunday, boring. She really expects that someone should be there to entertain her. Her friends do not always have people around on Sunday to visit or entertain - and they do not whine about it. Two good friends of hers had no one at their homes on Easter, and they did not whine. Mom would have had a fit!
So then anyways, she starts in on how she has an "Alexis" in the box, I've not shown her anything about it. She has the Amazon device (actually two). She HAD to have them. I asked when she ordered them, what do you want to do with them? I don't know, I just want it. I said well you have to figure out where you want to sit it (well both), and what you want it to do, then I get to program them for you. "I can't hear you. Your phone is lousy."
The whole phone deal is because she had an iPhone I got for her and pay for her on my plan. She could never work it. My brother got her two other smartphones, both Androids, he took them both back. "I want one that's all programmed". They were. I've shown her multiple times. I also got her an Amazon fire - larger screen. It also doesn't work right. Works fine for me. She's just not technically inclined at all. Even with icons for stores or whatever, you have to type in some data or go to menus. She kept saying with iPhone that 'voice control' came on all the time. I had disabled everything - no Suri, no other voice control at all. My phone (I have the same model), never does half the stuff she had happen. She returned everything to me, saying I'll get my own. Maybe I need to get my own computer. Ok, then. Do it.
So anyhow, I said do I need to shout for you to hear me? Her hearing is gone, but she will not admit it. I said I will call you back. Her line is still busy, a good hour now. She's playing games, and will say it's your phone. Nope. I have made other calls and it worked fine.
She was in a sour mood and wants to upset me.
She'd also said last night she has so much "going on right now", she hasn't called her landscaper. Sure, she wants me to do it when I go there for Mother's Day or Memorial Day. It's her version of payback - for whatever I've done to her. She has said that I do not know what work is - because I don't do much yard work - and she did. She is the hardest worker ever!! So she gets delight in watching me with my bad back working out in her HUGE flower beds. She added more than what is with a typical condo - all around her house, extra in the middle of the yard, and then more along her property line. Ridiculous. "It was my enjoyment". Sure, but you didn't plan ahead. You assumed you'd move in with me, without any discussion whatsoever, that I would roll over and do your bidding. This is after not having a close relationship ever with her. She was just demanding, and honestly, it was no big deal if I didn't go to her house for a holiday type weekend when she was mobile. She'd have a small fit, but move along. Now, she wants the relationship, and doesn't get it that we're not close. Her antics also drive others away. She's just exhausting to be around.
Phone still comes back 'user busy'. I know she'll try to say it's my phone. It's just a game to get me upset. It kind of works, but I'm just going to go about my day and ignore. I may ignore if she calls me back.
Very doubtful I will go there next weekend, ranting and raving be damned.

I would stop taking bribes particularly if it means hurting your own health.

Why would you do her yard work for her if you're going to hurt your back?

If she's got money for two Alexas, she's got money for landscaping.

She didn't teach you any self preservation skills, did she? THAT is a mother's job.

Stop playing her sick little game.