The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

I in re: to my post and others before me. I didn't know if I should say at first but reading others in addition to my post above. I am having the same problem w/a mom that is a master manipulator and spreader of guilt.

Martha~Does the vna help with home care for a few hours a day? Is that something you can arrange through them or can you call the area agency on aging to see what your mom qualifies for in terms of home health care and if they can provide you with respite care. I suggest you make some calls to see if you get info from them and check in respite care for yourself...it is very important that you get some rest for your health. If your siblings won't help with hands on...would they be willing to chip in some money to hire help? Hope this helps and hugs to you!!

((((((Martha)))))) Absolutely you should say it! I was chosen as the family "servant" too. It is one of the things that happens when narcissism/dysfunction is present in a family. A caregiver really needs to look after themselves - especially if they have pre-existing health issues. I think you need a plan - for your own care and for your mum's care. Ideally, your sibs should participate in making this plan and in carrying it out. However, if they are quite dysfunctional this may not be realistic. Contact the local Agency on Aging and/or Social Services and discuss your needs and your mum's needs with them, and find out what resources are available. As your mum is falling and getting hurt she may need to go into a facility. My understanding is that if your mum is in hospital for anything you can say that you are not able to care for her and the hospital is obliged to find her a placement. maybe temporarily, I am not sure but it would give you a break. There should be some community aid for you, especially as you are ill yourself. There are a few others in the same situation on Aging Care. You may want to post again what you have here as a question. You should get more responses and well informed ones. Go to the blue banner at the top of the page, click on Caregiver Forum, and then from the drop down menu click on Ask a Question,.
I also recommend going to a website called daugtersofnarcissisticmothers dot com. Just google the phrase. Many of us have found it very helpful. I think you will recognise lots. Information helps us from being sucked into the sick games. It seems that narcissists have no concern whatsoever for anyone else's state of health. You have to look after you and to do that you must come first a good amount of the time. (((((((hugs)))))) keep posting and look for ideas on the site Joan

Margeaux and Joan, my mother's condition remains basically the same. As for how I'm doing about all I want to do is sleep. I'm thinking about going to see my psychiatrist to increase my anti-depression meds. While I'm often more depressed after visiting mom, I have other reasons that I'm depressed as well which have to do with both other things in my past and in the present.

Shrarynmarie,

This is a great idea; seeing whether her phone can be unplugged.
I had thought about this, but didn't know whether to bring it up.
But yes, since their behavior becomes so childish, possibly you are going to have to find some avenue for you and your sister, so that she cannot disrupt your lives. You do need some kind of rest from this type of behavior. It would drive me nuts also. I do not blame you at all for not wanting to participate.

Recently, I had posted about how my sister complained to me that mother was becoming unusually mouthy with her. I guess when my sister raises issues such as, "It's bath day," one of which mom doesn't like, later my sister's been told by mom at some point, "This is not your house." This comment has also surfaced amidst my sister moving things around, like furniture in the house. Then my sister has become offended, which is normal.

However, I had to have a talk of sorts with my sister about cutting back participating in being to nurturing, and paying attention to mom, too. Some of this is fine, but then when my sister I know wants to have more of an independent day, or she's not in the mood.....mom has been coddled; now there's a problem. But then again, my sister operates too much for her own good on emotion. I told her to cut back. Well, she did that, and told me that mom isn't being so clingy. I deal so differently with mom. I'm kind, affectionate and all of that. But I try to be somewhat more upbeat, light and even joke with her. It feels to me that she engages more this way, instead of doing the emotional dependency, which I'm not too good with anyway! HAAH!!

In any case, this is your right and way of exercising your boundaries with your mom. There's no doubt you have plenty to contend with without being taken to Nutsville in the process.


I sure hope that her doctor can issue her a prescription. Needless to say that she would benefit from it.

You're in my thoughts! Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Margeaux~It is good you had that talk with your sister because too much nurturing especially in the form of babying a person is "too much".Then you become a slave to the that person whether it is a husband, a child or ailing parent. I refuse to put in that position. Been there done that!!

My sister is still learning about boundaries and while she is exercising protection against mom's attacks, she still has this long held idea of respecting mom's rights. Normally with a person who does not violate your boundaries and is respectful in return this would work. An example is that mom told her she wants to talk with an attorney...sis is going to give her the # of her elder law attorney because sis feels she has to provide it....maybe she does idk...but my thoughts are why feed her fire? I told sis if she wants to do that go ahead but I doubt mom will ever actually talk with her attorney because he knows the situation and the receptionist is going to handle the calls.

Margeaux, you can suggest anything you want to me, I will not take it that you are overstepping boundaries. This is part of how we help each other...we may not always agree or accept suggestions but suggestions are always welcome and many times provides insight, that we who are too emotionally involved, don't see. I hope you are doing well and enjoying some time for you and your husband.

I am just taking a slow day today because I am emotionally spent and it is my last week off. I have jury duty this week and if I do not have to report to court tomorrow, I am getting out of here to spend some time in nature. It is long overdue!!

Hugs to you and take care!!

Martha -
I'm so sorry for all your problems.
If your siblings help when you ask, please ASK for help! I know it's hard to do, but if the need to be asked, and you need help, please ask!

Love and compassion to you.

SharynMarie,
My mother did the same bank account thing. Well similar, she got off track with her bills (one of the first warning signs) and it was the banks fault that they charged her all of these overdraft fees and didn't pay some of the checks she wrote. It was the banks fault (according to her) and she closed the account she had there since before I was born.
It was 87 here today. I barely survived the heat in the house last night. Today I said "I am going over a friends house to cool off and get some AC". Mind you I did not turn on the AC or ask if I could. I just made the statement. She then went into the den where my brother stays when he comes over and said "If you are too hot you can turn the AC on". Said absolutely nothing to me but "it's not hot in the house".
I didn't say a word and continued to get ready to head out.
I literally just crept back in about an hour ago praying she wouldn't hear me.
It's ok for my brother to turn on the AC if he's warm but I'm "crazy" if I say it's warm.
The thermostat read 85 and it was 87 outside.
I went to a movie and saw "The Internship". It made me laugh. I missed the first 10 minutes but didn't care. Plus I think the walk to and from the movies did me good.

Uh Oh she just walked down the hall gonna pretend like I'm on the phone if she comes in my room.
Talk about walking on Eggshells... I could write a book on this after everything is over and done with....one day.

emjo,
Thanks. I have already accepted and know that she's going to get worse. I am already looking into agencies that have qualified aids and have 2 good ones lined up. They cost so I've got to find a job but getting them to come in NOW, my mother will have a cow. She called the police once when my brother refused to let her drive.
They came and said it was a civil manor and nothing they could do. I tried to explain that she had dementia and wanted to show them the papers from the doctors stating she can't drive, but they didn't look at them. They suggested I go to another room because even THEY could see that she had issues. Stevie Wonder and Ray Charles could see this!
They left and I let my brother deal with her for the rest of the night. I wanted to get him to give her a Seraquil that we have for emergencies but I talked her down.
As far as assistive living, my mother is a retired school teacher and the Board did not pay into Social Security. She has good health and supplemental Medicaid as a secondary (from her marriage to my father that ended in divorce), but she screwed up her finances over the years and has tons of CC debt and purchased this condo 10 years ago (my brother and I both thought it was a big mistake). We have tried to tell her she needs to sell it and get a smaller place. She has a good pension but it's all being eaten by her CC debt and mortgage. And of course she didn't run up any of the credit cards. It's their fault. So assistive living is quite expensive and she just can't afford it 1. and 2. She refuses to sell or move and says she's fine. So we just have to wait until she get's worse unfortunately and gradually bring in aids, and ultimately a nursing home, unless by some miracle she agrees to sell.
It's literally a living hell.
I'm constantly thinking and planning for the future.
Thanks for your reply. Please keep the advice coming. This is an excellent forum.

SharynMarie,
I constantly hear the same thing that you do to quote you " My mom is pulling out all the tricks of manipulation right now. Threatening us with an attorney, her rights are being violated,we are horrible children, there is nothing wrong with her, "
It helps knowing that others are going through the same thing. Makes me feel so much better.
Thanks again.

New2dementia,

I totally understand, how you could relate! Our mother, now 92 w/ALZ, was much like this when she was young and we were children. She really did a number on my sister and me; we being the eldest of the children. Then we have two brothers. We became the little mommies, and house maids. Whenever, things such as housework (she hated doing this) wasn't done boy did she blow a fuse. She worked full time, as well as dad. For crying out loud, my sister and me were little girls, being expected to do some fantastic housekeeping, aside from the endless watching my brothers, making sure we all made it to school on time. There was no adult in the home during those times to supervise all of this. So, I do remember mother wigging out, on my sister and me.

As I grew up, and was a teen, I'm the oldest of the siblings, so I had more pressure than even my sister. But I finally figured out what I could for myself.

An added feature we had going on in our family was mother's sister, who was older than her by two years. Now she was worse than mom, w/no children.
Mom and she took co-dependency to great heights. She was always in our lives,
all permitted by both mom and dad, too. She was the ultimate tyrant. Truth be told, aside from mother's verbal abuse, the sister also got in on the act, especially when my sister and me became older, like teenage years. She unleashed some real venom on us, of the jealous, sarcastic nature. Mom's sister lived w/our grandmother. But even grandma threw her our of her house, because she was abusive to her. Well guess where she ended up, our house. At some point, when my sister was about 15 yrs. old. my sis, being the rebel, once was making a tuna sandwich. She and our aunt didn't get along at all, and my sister was more willing to fight back. My aunt passed by her and hurled one of her usual insults. My sister answered something back to her. Then my aunt came by my sister, gave my sis's hand a push (sis had a small knife in hand), she was cutting some onions. The result, was my sister now had a small cut by her hand/wrist area which required going to the ER, where she needed several stitches. Today, that would have been cause for any reasonable parent, to put a stop to something like this, and it is physical abuse. But do you think that either my mom, or father for that matter looked upon it as such? NO! If I remember correctly, they behaved as if nothing happened. I even believe that mother somehow blamed my sister for this event. I know this probably was, because my parents somehow drilled in us, that if you're younger, you just respect an adult. There was zero consideration given to the fact as to whether this adult deserved the respect! Now that I'm mature, I think back to that event...and all I can say, is good God! Shame on my parents, they sure didn't have our backs in this department!

Anyway, later on, guess who had charge of caregiving of this terrible woman, our aunt?
My sister! Our aunt, gave us many problems, and they became worse as she aged. I had some horrible battles with her. My name for her was the Battle Ax!
Mine were so bad, that I left the family household, after dad died. But before I left, I made sure to it that I spelled it out completely to mom before ALZ, the violations committed upon me by our aunt, and that I was not going to tolerate this. But this has been also the history with mom, all the ingredients of a narcissist. Mom however, employed the more psychological aspects of it, especially as we became adults.
Believe me, she committed her own abuse, verbally, alienation of feelings towards our dad, etc. She still tried to be the controller even when I was a young adult. Needless to say I really do not have a close relationship w/mom, either.
I do love her, and she is cared for now with the ALZ.

Of course she does not behave as she once did. But every now and then,
some of that old narcissistic self rears it's head. Her sister died exactly a year and a half ago. Actually, it was just about when she went into hospice, that I found the AC site, and this wonderful thread.

But anyway, welcome to the thread. It does help to vent, and we share our stories, and ideas here. I think that the more information we have about our narcissistic parent(s), or enablers. we can hopefully be able to cope with other things.

Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Newtodementia~ You have come to the right place to vent, share and never feel you are alone in all this. My mother has gotten better as the Alz progressed and it does break my heart that this disease's progression is welcomed if it makes mom a more pleasant person...a catch 22 of sorts as there are problems either way. The bank my mom's accounts are at is the bank my mom worked at for 29 years and retired. My mom had a couple elderly ladies helping her...one was a former co-worker, the other is a volunteer for an organization well known for helping seniors with low cost insurance and sending info to you to join when you turn 50, (if I post who they are the admins will censor it). Both ladies were wonderful in helping sis and me by keeping us informed if there was something they felt we needed to know that mom was not telling us.

My sister's biggest obstacle is that she tends to want to show respect towards elders....understandable under normal circumstances, I agree, but when dealing with an abusive personality it's all about setting boundaries and limits of time with them in order to protect your own mental health. I hope you continue to share, vent with us! Hugs to you!!

I was going to go out today to take pics (early this morning) but it is too windy here. I am feeling guilty having them take mom's phone out of her room but I can't handle her calling 15 times a day with the same message. I called to see how is doing today but the receptionist told me they were busy with another resident and would call me back. Ok...I understand...but isn't there someone there who could talk with me??? Maybe I am expecting too much. If they think I am going to put myself in a position of being yelled at by mom just because they think it is all dementia...not going to happen. Yes, I am emotionally down today, tired of having to put everything on hold for my mom, doing everything I can to make her life comfortable, worrying about her emotional well being while I am holding on day by day wanting some semblance of normalcy. Oh well life goes on!!

Hi New2 - I had to laugh when you said your mother would have a cow. My mother must have had several large herds by now. Some people have gotten help covered by Medicare, I think Would your mum qualify for Medicaid? There is help available from them while she is in her home, Is she still driving? You can contact the DMV and tell them about the Drs report and they can request that she be tested.

I know what you mean about waiting till it gets worse. Sometimes that is all you can do, other than seeing to their creature comforts/needs. My mother is BPD, narcissistic and increasingly paranoid/delusional. At 101 her short term memory is very short indeed, unless someone doesn't do what she wants and then she tends to remember. However, she still manages her finances (thankfully doesn't overspend), looks after her own meds, keeps her place and things in good order (I should do as well) so her cognitive abilities are good. However, with the increasing paranoia, now slipping into delusions, I wonder how long she will be able to live in her ALF. I also wonder where she can go from there. She is elitist and could not possibly share a room. I honestly hope she dies before that happens for her sake and everyone else's. She uses FOG - fear, obligation and guilt and always has to manipulate. I am getting better at recognizing it and not letting it affect me. She has rarely admitted that she ever did anything wrong -always someone else's fault and I have heard the terrible child thing too. How did we survive and come out as reasonable people?
Yes, it does help knowing others are going through the same thing.
Take care ((((((Hugs)))) Joan

Margeaux, SharynMarie, EMJO thanks for your response. Thank God for folks like you that share and vent. It really helps.
Unfortunately my mom does not qualify for Medicaid but has secondary Medicaid from her ex husband my father. However, it's not free and her finances are all screwed up. Plus she will not let anyone in her house to help at this point, beyond the guy that she has come clean.
The cleaning guy came today and he's really good but sloooow. When it was getting late, my mom told him he did not have to clean her room or her bathroom. He was even trying to insist. I had to step in and say "Mom since he's already here, let him clean your room. And he said, let me just clean your bathroom, it will take 20 minutes. Thank God she said ok. I think he may have tried to mop the floor in her bedroom. Her bathroom really needed cleaning because of her slight incontinence issue which she is to proud to admit. I buy her depends but she's too proud to wear them.
Thank God one of her Dr's told her it's very important to take a bath and change clothes daily (she has a rash now that is most likely due to her Dementia and her picking etc.) Plus she orders all of these creams when the infomercials play at night (I have to go and cancel the subscriptions because she doesn't realize that she's buying this stuff as a subscription. She makes more effort in following up with the Dermatologist than she does with her life threatening medications and health. And she HAS to have her hair done at the salon every two weeks highlights and everything which is NOT cheap. Thank God one of her girlfriends takes her every other Thurs so I get a break.
I just don't get how these cosmetic things are more important to her then her health!!!! She still tries to get me to go to the salon and I tell her "I have been cutting and taking car of my own hair for decades and that's not my thing, but you go ahead if that's what you like, its not my cup of tea" and I walk away.
I stayed in my room the entire time because my brother was not here. Once he came over to give me a break this evening. All I could do was drive to CVS to pick up her meds. The temps dropped here so it's cooler but to cold to go for walks or take the bus downtown or sit outside etc.
Speaking of my brother he also is stuck in the respect your elders mode and finally getting out of denial, but I am sticking to setting my boundaries and so does he but he will just stay at his place for days and won't come around. That's when it really sucks for me.
He has been trying to get her to go with him to get her monthly lab work that she has to get after her monthly Drs appointment with her primary doctor. So, tomorrow they are supposed to go. So at least I get a break.
Hugs to all of you.

EMJO,
Re: Her driving. All of her Drs say no to driving each time she asks when she goes. She will even call her primary Dr and if he answers he tells her no, she says she's going to get a lawyer, and he tells her to go ahead. Or the nurse will call her back and tell her no. Typically she's not here when they call back. I at times have turned the ringer of the phone in her room when I can't take these episodes when they occur.
Her drivers license expired when she was in the hospital thank God!
She's too proud to admit to her friends that she cannot drive and tells them I won't let her drive and I have told her Dr not to let her drive. I had to have conversations with her close girlfriends who understand and now one of then will call to remind her about their monthly bridge club group (only meets during the warmer months because winters here are brutal.) And it's a small group down to only 6 I think and one of them will offer to pick her up, because they know how she can be and realize what a sacrifice that I have made and see how she treats me and they understand that I need a break.
There are two ladies in the group that have late stage Dementia. One woman is bad off and she's known my mom since before I was born. All of them knew my mom before I was born. But the ladies still invite and let them participate. Thank God. But I know their behavior must drive the sane ladies crazy. Thank God for them.

We talked with "E" the head nurse, he told us mom is basically doing well, eating, participating,etc. She does has times in the afternoon where she is somewhat despondent but he said that is to be expected due to moving her again. He is going to arrange for some files to be made that my mom can organize them (if she will accept it) since she is an organizer hopefully it will keep her busy and she will feel useful.

Hi guys I have not been on much but try to keep up value all your friendship-have been around for over 5 yrs-the husband died June 26 09 almost 4 yrs. I am in a good relation with a great man-I had the worse not hve the best-he is a widower and we went to High School together -graduated in 59-I know the dark ages but saw him and the wife at reunions 45 and 50-I did not date in HS just was hell bent in getting away from that 1 horse town-came back two yrs later and it looked better to me-met the husband a few months later and got married-thought I was a grown up and did stick with him til his death-it was real bad but you made you bed and your slept in it and abuse was tolerated by the public during those years now women can get help to leave but not those years-so I really appreciate what we have now later in life-God answered my prayers in his time not mine and now my life is so good but I do not take it for granted at all.

Austin~I am so happy for you!!! You more than deserve to be happy. I enjoy hearing from you and appreciate your advice and comments. Please keep in touch with all of us!!

Emjo,

How are you doing? I hope your health flare-ups have calmed down.

Maybe you are on that vacation with your husband enjoying that hot tub.
How are things going with your mother? I sure hope for your peace of mind,
she's ceased a bit with the emails. That was quite funny when you wrote about you thought your mom probably had had a herd.

All right, just wanted to check in with you.
Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Oh Austin,

How lovely! What a romantic and great life you are living!
I can see little love doves all around you and your man!

This is great too, that you are cherishing these moments!

Much Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Sharynmarie,

Please don't feel guilty about the phone issue. You are a quite busy woman with your own life, then taking care of your mom's needs. It's not the very same thing,
but this situation where my sister sleeps in the same bed with mom, (which I think is too much), then mother gets up throughout the entire night. My sister is out the door about 6:15, a.m. to go to work all day. But I don't know what I'd do, say if I were in her shoes. Anyway, sometimes one must do what they have to do in order to maintain some kind of balance and not get the nerves all tangled up.

I hope you get to take your pictures. I haven't taken any lately. I have a digital camera, which works fine. But one day, I hope I can buy a non-digital one, so I can play more with subject matter I want to photograph. I like that better. So I wonder if that makes me kind of a manipulator! HAAH!

Take care, Much Love & Light! Margeaux

New2Dementia,

This is good, that the doctor is in your camp, telling your mom she can't drive.
Well and that the license expired, makes it more pragmatic. When mother was at this point, oh boy, were there ever some episodes before my sister finally had to tell her she just wasn't allowed to drive at all anymore.

Before we her children actually knew she'd been diagnosed with ALZ, mom and her sister had been living together for some time now. Her sister now became increasingly immobile on account of her poor health. The sister was really the driver throughout all their lives, mom always the passenger. Well now, mom was caregiving for her sister, and driving very locally, to run errands, and doctor's appointments, (close by). On a visit there, one day auntie was home alone.
I asked where mom was, and auntie said, she'd gone to the store for milk.
Well, first 15 mins. passed. When about half an hour went by, I asked where this store was. Anyway a complete 45 mins., now passed, and now I was really getting concerned. Of course this narcissistic aunt, did everything to down play the whole thing, reassuring she'd be home any minute! Finally she did return.
Meanwhile, we didn't actually know, mom had already been diagnosed w/ALZ, and was on an anti-depressant. We know the two sisters were probably hiding this fact, because it had everything to do with their independence. I totally understood my mom's point of view of hiding info., she really behaved this way all of her life. She's always has had DENIAL, in the background of everything!
But I could not understand her own sister's failure to inform us.
I guess it didn't even occur to her that someone with ALZ, may not be able to find their way back home. Even worse, the fact they are on some strong medications, and the possibility of an accident. I sometimes think, people forget this fact, because it;'s been prescribed by the medical community.

Mother gives the caregivers a hard time about showering. I think it's a mobility issue. But I have heard my sister, say to mom that "Today is a bath day."
Mom rolls her eyes, and protests.

O.K., hope you are well, and hang in there.
Much Love & Light! Margeaux

It would be my PERSONAL PLEASURE TO BE MY FATHERS CAREGIVER!!

Margeaux~ Unfortunately I did not get out to take pics...one day I planned to go but it was so windy I decided not to go, then Thursday I was going to go to Yosemite but found out there was a fire in the Mariposa area, even though it was 80% contained, they were evacuating people and I didn't want to deal with traffic issues. I will get there eventually. I want to get pics of tunnel view at sunrise...different seasons. I have a digital camera, I know nothing about film (which IMO is the true art of photography). I am still learning settings, apertures, etc. , and I only have 2 lenses but someday in the future would love to invest in a wide angle lense for landscapes.

I am feeling better about the situation with my mom, for a couple days it was hard but I had to let go and separate myself from her. For a while it will be treated as business until she settles down. The community called me yesterday saying I needed to bring some supplies for my mom including hygiene wipes and gloves. They asked if mom had an afghan we could bring because she is taking another residents afghan saying it belongs to her, LOL!! I spoke to mom briefly yesterday...she is still angry, wants to go home, wants her phone back. I told her I would have them return the phone (which I will do tomorrow when I visit her). I told mom we will not tolerate her calling 15 times a day yelling at us.She hung up on me which is her usual way. Tomorrow I will visit with Midget but we won't be able to have lunch because I can't take the dog in the dining hall.

Sis and I worked at mom's again today, my brother came by and set the lamps up around the house on timers so we won't have to leave lights on in different rooms 24/7. He had oral surgery on Thursday because he cracked two molars (possibly from bone loss due to taking prednisone). They had to remove the teeth because they broke into in the root. I cleared everything out of the storage room that was in cabinets, sis couldn't help me because her blood pressure was giving her problems today and it is much hotter today with no a/c in the storage room. I got it done in about 3 hours, was drenched in sweat...not very lady like but oh well, gotta do what I gotta do, LOL!!

I start back to work Monday, but I will be working at another store Monday-Tuesday, we don't have enough hours at my store.

Margeaux, I understand what you are saying about your sister having to do what she must with your mom and the sleeping arrangement. Like you, I don't know if I would do it because I have to work, if your sister has caregivers there 24/7, maybe they could sleep in the same room so your sister could sleep separate to get her rest. If it works the way it is for your sister then so be it.

I am going to share something with you all....we are going to have to replace the a/c heating in mom's house before we put it up for sale..the a/c especially is not cooling the house adequately, both units are at least 20 years old. We live in the San Joaquin Valley which is very hot in the summertime, 95-98 degrees with heat waves averaging 105-107 degrees. Then about every 5 years or so we get major heat waves with 7 days of 110-115 degrees. My sister has health issues as you know, she has proposed to me and my brother...she be able to replace her a/c (which hasn't worked for 4 years) and heater at the same time we replace mom's getting a good deal by doing 2 homes using mom's money (she can't afford to pay for it herself) and she will deduct the cost of the a/c heater from her inheritance in the end.My brother and I agreed that she can do this. There is a part of me that feels this is not right and I hope there is not more of this in the future with her (she should have sold that house a long time ago and gotten something much smaller that she can manage. She can rob Peter to pay Paul and end up with no inheritance which there is not guarantee any of us will get one in the end. I hate being put in this position but at the same time I know the heat is a big factor with my sister's health.
Hugs and wishes for happy days ahead
Sharyn

Sharynmarie,

Wow, I guess we were heave hoeing, and sweating as you said possibly at the same time. On Friday, I went with my neighbor to one of these stores that have hardware, plants, etc. We desperately needed to change our stove top filter underneath the fan in the kitchen. This I think hadn't been done in a very long time. You know how it is when something like this doesn't work well anymore.
It could add to the pollution in the apartment, and I don't need this, especially with my sinuses.

So I get the filter, come home, and realize I'd better do some heavy duty cleaning of the stovetop hood, walls and surrounding area. Boy, did I ever get myself into a real cleaning mess. I pulled out the baking soda, vinegar, and lemons.

My husband, from all of his travels has a collection of little bottles they used to give on flights, and has them of all places on top of that stove hood.
YIKES! I worked and worked all day into the evening, scrubbing away.
My hair was completely wet from working so hard, but once I started I just wanted to get it done. Anyway, finally did on Saturday.

I have tried to subtly suggest to my husband, that the stovetop area is no place for any kind of decor. But oh well! He even told me, that I didn't have to do this. He'd hire someone to come in and do it, etc. I replied to him, that no cleaning person would do this type of cleaning. They do the bare minimum.
They might take all the bottles down and clean the walls, but I doubt they'd do what I did. It's done now, so that was a Feng Shui exercise for the Solstice this weekend. I'm trying to work up to cleaning out our closets, and the bedroom. I know I'm going to get some resistance from him, because he likes to hang on to old things.
I call our place a museum. Don't get me wrong, I do like some of the collectibles,
but when it comes to cleaning, it's just too much.
Your description of getting such a work out, all I can say is, yes we are ladies, and strong ladies sweat! HAAH! Oh, and by the way, when it comes to housework, I get NO help from the hubby. But I don't care, I like a clean place!! It sounds like you had to bear the brundt of the major part of this task. Oh, I understand this all too well. I am glad that your brother was able to help with the lamps.

O.K., I'll write more on my thoughts about your sister and mother on another post, don't want this one too long.

Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Margeaux~LOL!! Strong ladies sweat...I like that!! Personally, I think it is healthy to work up a good sweat as long as you keep yourself hydrated. It is good for releasing toxins plus it helps to release stress. I hope you are getting everything super cleaned.

The only thing I collect is teacups/saucers (but space is limited so I don't have too many) and vintage cameras. Now I really could get into the whole collecting thing, I absolutely love the show on the history channel...American Pickers...that would be so much fun!!! But where would I put all the stuff, how would I get rid of it to make a profit on it??

I went back to work today and it was a good day. I worked at another store which is busy, but they do things different with staffing than my store so you don't have all the stress and chaos when closing the deli. I discovered today while at work, that the pinched nerve in my right arm is causing me to have muscle weakness. I am not having pain but still have tingling...still using heat and applying an anti inflammatory gel to my neck and shoulder.

I had mom's phone returned to her room and she is calling but so far not 16 calls a day. I can deal with that. I visited her briefly yesterday because I had Midget with me and they were getting ready for lunch (Midget is not allowed in the dining area when they eat), I had no place to put Midget so I could stay. A man was visiting his mother...mom and I were standing behind him in the hallway that runs along the dining area...he leaned back in his chair and said something to me...so I approached closer saying I am sorry I couldn't hear you...he said, "the dog is not allowed in the dining area while people are eating!" I said, "I know, that is why I am leaving." He said, "Oh, I didn't hear that part." The aide looked at me and rolled her eyes!! I thought...well if you are going to eavesdrop on other peoples conversations, at least get it right...it rather irritated me!!

My sister saw the psychiatrist last Monday. He agreed that Zoloft is not the drug for her so he has reduced the dosage back to 50mg. and will wean her off it over the next two weeks then start her on something else. Margeaux, I want to hear what you think about this situation with my sis getting the a/c and heating unit on mom's nickel. I believe I told you all I had concerns about my sis dipping into my mom's money for her benefit and while she is being honest...there is still a little manipulation because of her health issue. While I feel bad for her financial situation...her choices in life have created some of this problem because of her insistence on using products like Merle Norman Cosmetics (because she has sensitive skin), shopping at Macy's (which I don't even do) while I don't want to get on a tangent talking about her, I do get tired of the fact that she always manages to get what she wants from my parents. My kids and my brother's have gotten less over the years because of her needs and I always overlooked it in the past...but now I am starting to have anger issues about it...because it still continues.

Next up is going through the tool shed which will be another sweaty job since the shed is metal and in the sun all day. Yay...fun!!
Hugs to you!!

Sharyn, have you all checked with the Elder lawyer about selling mom's house? I think you all need to see one before doing anything with the proceeds. I've jumped around enough on this site to know that if:
1. Mom's NH is currently being paid privately, when the funds run out or the insurance coverage runs out, the next option is....

2. Medicaid. (That is if none of you siblings want to invite mom to live with you at your home and provide 24-hr home care for her).

Medicaid has a minimum of 5-year look back. They WILL consider the sale of any of your mom's property. In that 5yr look back, they will follow all of the money trail - and want receipts on where the money went. Any $$ paid for caregiving best be done legally - paying taxes. Otherwise,they will view it as Gifting. And any $$ given as gifts will be a strike against your mom. She would be penalized. Based on how big the $$ gifting or no back-up document - you all need to put mom in NH as Private Pay for so many months before Medicaid will pay for it.

If Medicaid is paying for your mom's care, then they may have a lien to the house/property , etc....

Please check into this before you all start splitting the money. Remember - Medicaid does a minimum of 5 year look back.

Book~When my mom was diagnosed as mentally incapacitated and we went to her elder law attorney, he told us we could do whatever we want with her home. The money from the sale of her house goes into mom's accounts with Charles Schwab, we cannot divide any money up until after she passes away. My mother will not be able to be approved for Medicaid until the LTC Policy runs out (in 4 years) and the money with Charles Schwab which will pay after the LTC Policy. This is wear I don't think my sister is seeing reality because she is basing my mother's longevity on the fact that most people when placed in a NH live about 2-2 1/2 years at most. However, mom is not in a NH, plus she taking Namenda. My father lived about 2 1/2 years after being placed in a nursing home, he was not taking Namenda (Namenda was not available then), he was not taking Aricept either because mom said "he was having side effects" which she claims with all prescription medicine. We are not splitting up any money. Sis wants to use my mom's money to replace her own a/c and heater at the same time we replace the a//c and heater in mom's house. It will cost about $5,000 per house. She will deduct this amount from her inheritance when mom passes. I understand my sister's need because of the heat we have during the summer months here, and her health issues. My concern is....is there going to be something else in the future she will need to dip into mom's money for because she can't afford to pay for it and it affects her due to her health?? She should have sold her house about 15 years ago but she wouldn't because....a mobile home was not good enough for her, a condo with no yard work was not good enough for her...so here she is 45 min. away from my city, living in a 2,000 sq.ft. home with a huge backyard and she can't take care of it. She has refinanced twice to pay for new roof and other expenses. She is 60 years old now, she can't afford to retire even when she turns 65, she is stage 4 diabetic. When she divorced her second husband, she should have sold that house and moved back here to the house she owned here in town. Instead she sold the house here in town because she didn't want to go on welfare a second time...while she supported her daughters from her first marriage and she went to school. She got the job she now has plus she was getting a second income by being the bookkeeper for our Congressman's campaign office (a friend of her's was the campaign manager). The Congressman retired from politics in the early 90's so she lost that income. She would have been fine if she didn't start refinancing the house to pay for a new roof and other expenses. The house is still not paid for yet. This house of bought in 1977. Then her health went down hill due to her alcoholism, the recession hit in 2008 and she lost a 1/3 of her pension in the stock market. Bad choices from the beginning because she had to have more than what she afford or manage to take of.

No, I think it's wrong of your sis to ASSUME that you all will get an inheritance. I think you all need to put your foot down on this. Because you are right, once you start dipping,it will not stop. Something just as "important" will come up. And truly, when she touches that $5000.00 - it WILL be noted by Medicaid. They WILL check the cash flow. I've read that over and over on this site.

She reminds me of several people whom I know who keeps remortgaging their home. Their house could have been paid off now but....NOT. I just don't understad their reasoning. Yes, sis made a lot of "right" choices at the time but for the Long Term time - she made a lot of unwise choices. Now she's feeling the consequences. Too bad.

A relative of mine's husband retired from the local govt. They both decided that he would cash in his retirement instead of getting it monthly for years. I told them to not cash it in but....they cashed it in and went thru that money like it was water. Now his job at the federal govt has some mandatory budget cuts. His paycheck is now affected by it. If they had not cashed in his retirement from the local govt, they would have had that extra monthly income to cover the budget cut until the Feds go back to full time work. But, I keep my mouth shut because what's done is done. You can't go back. You just have to live with the choices you made.