The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

It's sad for me to have come to the conclusion that no family contact is necessary for me. I always held on to hope that it could and should be different.

I haven't been to see my brother in the hospital recently due to my own health issues so I texted my other brother who has taken on (at my request)the main responsibility for this as I could see me getting the job again. Not happening! He gave me an update and I said I'd try to go see him on Sunday. As it turned out I was really not well and could not make it. I stated as much in an E-mail. He didn't even acknowledge it. Ask how I'm doing. Nothing!


I'm just so done with losing sleep over my family. The brother in hospital, yeah. The rest of them can .........you know.

Dh and I watched a documentary last night called "When the Screaming Stops" about a former English band made up of twin brothers who didn't always get along. One of the brothers said "If a friend spoke to me the way my brother does I'd cut them out of my life"

Good documentary. I'd highly recommend it if you get the chance. It's mostly about their family dynamics than the music. I found it very insightful.

Golden, hope you get to feeling better. Yes, stress definitely takes a toll for sure. I don't blame you for wanting to avoid contact with narc sis. Sounds like just being around her is stressful, particularly right now. Take care of you and take it easy.

Gershun, I will have to watch that documentary. It sounds interesting. I know what you mean about the no contact with family. I've learned more about the term "narcissistic mobbing" with my mom's side of the family than I ever wanted to know. It feels lonely at times having gone NC but it is also freeing in the sense of not having to deal with the drama and people that want to put me down and make me feel guilty for pretty much everything, even existing. Life is too short to allow the negativity to steal your peace.

Girlsaylor, I hope your new internist can help. It really stinks that your doctor put you in that position.

Duck, hopefully APS will get on the ball. It is a lengthy process sometimes. The attorney may be able to help too as far as getting a state guardian appointed for your mom. He/she might be able to talk to the APS caseworker.

It was nice of your son to send the shoes. It's very uplifting when we feel good about ourselves, that's for sure. Do something nice for you today :)

It's been busy here, with the baby being home. She got to come home a week after my birthday and a day before my husband's (we both have May birthdays), so it's been a good kind of busy for the most part, aside from the nasty messages from my oldest, which I still have not responded to, and won't. She's off her meds and very manic right now from what she sounds like, in addition to being mixed up and enmeshed with Narc relatives.

Also mom's estate stuff still ongoing, but attorney got the final accounting for the guardianship filed and the guardianship closed out, and just filed the petition for constructive trust in the estate, so we're hoping maybe we can get things wrapped up soon so the house can be sold and creditors and attorney bills paid.

It's been really hot and humid here, after a couple of weeks or so of record flooding. Dang mosquitoes are terrible too. Thankfully, we were not in the flood zone areas, but areas in surrounding towns were flooded pretty badly, and many homes and businesses under water. It is so crazy, we had all the flooding here, and I read in other areas about the fires due to drought. We need a better balance all around.

Hope all have a good day, the sun is out here so maybe will dry things out a little and help get rid of the mosquitoes.

Golden23, thank you for this (needs to be reposted regularly)!

NOT MY JOB:
fix or save people
be liked
do it all
please everyone
hold it together

MY JOB
love people (and yourself)
be authentic (be true to yourself)
take the next step (don't try to control everything)
speak my truth (in love, but speak it)
breathe (give yourself some space, take time out)

I am supposed to be working with my step grandmother today, as I usually do on Thursday. This is typically a 12 hour day for me.

Today, though, I am not working because her daughter, my stepmom, has thrown a fit and won't 'let' me work.

My grandma is blind, on oxygen, and has several other health issues. In the last 2 weeks, however, her mental state has deteriorated significantly. Within the last few days, she is barely able to walk, or keep her head up. She has frequently been found in unsafe positions (like standing up on a couch), and has been talking to people and reaching for things that are not there. I have noticed she sometimes has a hard time finding her mouth to eat or drink, and she has left meals put before her almost untouched. She mumbles incoherently, and has had incontinence to the point where she wets herself numerous times a day. All of this is NOT NORMAL behavior for her.

And yet, my stepmom won't allow me to take her to a doctor, or urgent care, or anything. She says I am being 'neurotic' and that I need to calm down. Keep in mind that my stepmom has dealt with her own health struggles. Many of them. But I believe that because she has her own experiences with medical issues, she somehow thinks she is in a place to say whether or not my grandma needs to see a doctor. Almost like she is diagnosing her. While I have my own ideas about what may be going on with my grandma, I am clear on the fact that NEITHER of us are medical professionals, and I just don't see the harm in taking my grandma in to see someone.

Unfortunately, when I suggest this, I am met with screaming from my stepmom. I don't wanna upset my grandma with our fighting so I've chosen to just leave it alone.

But I don't feel good about it. At all.

There could be something very simple going on with my grandma...and then it could be something serious.

I just need to vent. Part of me feels like this is a situation that could very well involve APS, and I don't wanna go there. (Again.)

I just worry that, even if her symptoms don't worsen, that my grandma could get hurt physically by roaming around an unsafe area of the house, or by climbing up onto to something and falling. How she manages to get up onto things, is anyone's guess.

I feel helpless to be of help to my grandma due to my stepmom's need to control this situation (or whatever it is she is doing) and I fear the worst will happen.

Anybody have any suggestions for how I might deal with this situation please?

Bunny, you can always post your own question. That may get more attention.

Grandma may have a UTI which is treatable. Those behaviors sound like what this may be.

You could try picking up a test kit at the drug store. They are not always accurate, but if it is positive a good reason to get grandma to the doc, if not allowed by step mom, you take her anyway. She needs to see one whenever there is a drastic, sudden change in behavior.

Welcome L,

It sounds like you're in a tough spot, but your grandma needs help. Yes, it may be a UTI, which can be treated with a course of antibiotics but if it is a UTI and left untreated, it can get much worse and lead to serious problems - since gma has a history of neuro problems, please do your best to get her help - even if you must call 911 to have her taken to the ER

La Bunny please get her some help - my mom is currently in hospital with infection and she was acted very vacant and would not open her eyes.

My question is what do I do about my brother, who wants to appear so popular, that he has not told people he knows that my mother is to only have family visitors? She is taking her clothes off sometimes and would be mortified to know that a practical stranger was seeing her that way. I am from a dysfunctional family and am POA, much to brother's chagrin. In the past, he has called law enforcement on me, told doctors that I was not giving parent medicine, etc. You get the idea.... This is adding to my stress at dealing with the hospital situation.

Hey there, all of you...

I've decided to be more absent from AC. It's not like I need to announce it or anything, but I also know what it is to worry (it's what caregivers do! lol) and wonder how someone is doing.

I'm doing FINE... very good, even. I think it's time to move away from daily/weekly AC use and focus on this stage of my life. I'll come back around if something happens... i.e., I'm dreading the day my father dies and I can't think he'll live all that much longer as COPD is progressive and he hasn't stopped smoking...

But short of a crisis, I'm living a different life now, and my attention is focused in other places.

I get a little teary trying to figure out how to say a "see ya later, thank you more than I can say" in a way that honors each of you, in the way I'd like to honor you, so I'll mostly skip it. :-)

Leave a message on my Profile if anyone would like an email address, or a Facebook link. (My Facebook is mostly used for socializing with my circle of often-irreverent music-related friends, but you can always Unfollow and still have a way to stay in touch.)

Gershun, you've summed up DYS thread, and the experience of posters here, pretty well I think with this: "It's sad for me to have come to the conclusion that no family contact is necessary for me. I always held on to hope that it could and should be different."

I think everyone who uses DYS as their primary AC thread/contact feels this way. I know I feel this way. At some point, it doesn't matter why, or who's fault, or any kind of score keeping. You just need to live YOUR life, and survive, and hopefully thrive at times, and when a relationship with family (or anyone) is keeping you from doing that then it's time to cut that contact back to a minimum, or whatever makes sense for your individual situation.

That is it in a nutshell I feel, what everyone here has had to feel, this grieving and/or anger of a loss even while people are still alive, while you want and wish for something different that you're not in control of. You can control your actions and your behavior, and that's it.

Anywho. I'm sure I'll check back in in the next day or two just to further (((((hug))))) it out with you guys....

I feel kind of silly, there's no need to make an announcement, I just realize this is the direction I'm heading in this year. I'm making a big mental break from what I experienced as a caregiver, and heading in a different fun and in-the-moment direction. I think it's a very good step for me, as I get further away from any daily anxiety disorder affecting my life, and I feel more confident than I've felt in years. Who knows what the future brings but for now, AC isn't part of my daily Life. :-)

Cheers!! Love y'all more than I can say. REALLY. Which is why I won't try to say. :-D Take care, you guys.

Hi ABB, I hope I don't sound like a hypocrite here (being that I Rarely post or read here on AC now.) I just wanted to thank you sooooo very much years ago when I went through some tough times. This Dys thread has always been a difficult place for me to read. But it's a favorite place for most of those I follow - so I do drop by and read.

It's a given that sooner or later, regular posters will slowly dwindle from AC, when the time comes. Your time has come. Go and enjoy your new life - before something comes up and tries to pull you down. Make some new happy memories. Go for it!!! {{{{{ HUGS }}}}

Ali I am happy in a special way that you have outgrown the forum. You input was always very helpful and insightful and it always amazed me how the things you express so well were similar to my own thoughts.

Reasons, seasons. Thank you for sharing and helping.

I can guarantee you that whenever you stop in and Im around I will be glad to "see" you.

Book, the same sentiment, to you. You are one of my icons and your wisdom and goodness came through to me and touched my heart and my life significantly. So those drop ins even in rare I am sure are helping in some way for someone.

I think there is a reason certain ones of you are here, your spirit, experience and pain and goodness come together profoundly in a special way and touch live. I think its a gift from the higher power. This forum was a life line for me. Sometimes it wears on me to read and hear similar pain, sometimes it helps, sometimes its awesome to see the same "magic" that helped me at work. Some times I see myself and most times I know that its hard to move on past things that is obvious untill you can process and understand. I didnt know I was clueless and in denial about my family dysfunction and the ugly within. Or I wondered how a defense mechanism made me blind and how input from her helped me find see truth and it came in a way that I could handle it. It didnt kill me but it broke my heart for a minute and I still heal.


Thank you AgingCare, all of you.

Hi all! I seeing my growth in this situation with my mother and her care and being the outcast.

I am tired of second guessing my self and that is possibly a defense mechanism so I wont have to face something or programmed in me for blame and shame and guilt. The main weapons of a narcissist.

Anyways I will be going for the abdominal study the end of the week. Hopefully have this mass removed find out whats going on with the inside. I saw commercial about claritin d extended for the sinus pain. I tried it and it helped. I had to nights free of pain, took that and my reular meds. I will be getting annual pysical through the wtc program soon and from there get referrals about any and everything under the sun. So I will revist the specialist make request and hopeful resolve somethings. Hopefully sinus is not bad enough problem for surgery.

The hip and knee pain, I guess is my knew persona. I believe I have an injured ligament or tendon somewhere in groin are which give me intermittant pain. I mean its hard to turn around in bed or walk sometimes.

Okay so, APS came again Friday. Saturday got letter stating that my mother has a case with them with an option and form to appeal. That wont happen. Mr. G says he had not spoken with twisted, he didnt have number. I called my Aunt (my mothers baby sis who is same age as my sister 2 years younger than me.) for number and gave it to him expressing to please try and contact her so there are no technical difficulties when we go to court. He says the process takes about two months its long, and an expense on the city. That it would be goood if we all cooperated. I am counting on twisted to do her norm and not cooperated. He sat we will get subpoena to court where judge will appoint some outside ageny to be guardian or my mothers care and affairs. My goodness , its needed.

Meanwhile my mother is staying on that top floor. Barely comes down. Today before I left for work I went up to feed her and she was in my sisters room. I called her she didnt answer, I ask twisted if she was in there she didnt answer then I heard my mother say something low. She ignored me a lot yestrday as I fed her it was like it was obvious. I think my twisted is telling her I am trying to put her away. That is the sentiment she fed them and which feeds this whole situation an a sense. I told my sister in a not to nice way that she needs to make sure she eat and maybe call her son to help her bathe her. I told her she was spiteful and her motiveation to do anything for my mother is always based on something against me. Told her this acutally helped me. That as long as my mother was okay I was good. Now I hope she does not use this tactic to very often. I could have called police on her.Refusing to open the door to let me see and feed my mother. I dont want to interfer with karma and God's Work so I pray I dont lose my temper in the mist of her retaliatory schemes.

Other wise I still struggle inside an out with this situation. I stay in prayer. I havent gone into a funk for a good minute now.

Rays of light and love and blessings, on us all.

It is six months since mother passed. I am grieving today, but not for her, as such, but for the destruction over the years. Really for myself and the hardship it has been. I have unanswerable questions. "Why me?" What if...? Should I .have...? and so on.

My legs and head ache, which is not that unusual. Would they if...?

As I said - unanswerable questions. Another day to get through and hope to do a little something productive.

I think the winter was too hard on my Engleman's Ivy on the trellis edging the northeast side of the front deck. I have just given it another liberal watering hoping it will bring signs of life. (I don't give up easily.) If not another choore is added to my list - that of pulling down the dead vine and disposing of it. One of the three new roses survived the winter and it is looking healthy.

We have sun today and no smoke from the fires which are abating. There is much to be thankful for.

Golden- sorry for the rough day, keeping you in my prayers.

The grief just comes some days like an ocean and it swallows you Golden.
Everything will be going along ok and then I'll think of something Mother said or did or I'll come across a note or see a project she had meant to finish or a million other things and it will blow me away for the rest of that day and it's hard to accomplish anything....
I'm really sorry youv''e had a hard day.Get some good rest tonight ~
Many {{{hugs}}}

Golden, I sympathize. I had a bad day today missing my mom as well. I miss my mom's company. When I was out somewhere or whatever I may have been doing I used to look so forward to our little get together's we had when she was still hale and hearty.

Sometimes I still get this sense of anticipation and then I remember and get this letdown kind of feeling right afterward. It's like reality comes crashing down.

I hope your tomorrow is better Golden.

Big hugs, Golden. “Complicated grief,” indeed. There’s no antidote. Just ride the wave. And throw in a little self-care - no matter how little!

I had a picnic for my club a my house this weekend. Dad was a part of it. I was cleaning up and my wife was helping in the kitchen. He made one trip in the kitchen. I am on my way out and I hear the comment he made to her. "So where is your black and white maids outfit"...... she calmly said "that is not funny, nor is it appreciated, I am not a maid and you will not say that again". He thought it was funny, he says stupid things like that. When we were traveling 7 hours to help him after mom died and we both were cleaning the house he said to someone on the phone "Oh my maid is here"... took days to peel her off the ceiling. Or when his friend goes out of the way to pick him up "my chauffeur is here"... or he calls me "chef". I have told him many times these comments are rude and offensive to the very people who are helping him.
I get tired of his comments. It is hard when it is my house and I cannot just leave. He thinks he is being funny, nope... still not funny.

Another day, another drama! My FIL called again at 830 am.. me time here.. hubs and puppers sleep until 9am and mom goes downstairs to get dressed at 830.. so I am enjoying my coffee and book. See FIL number on phone,, know better but answer it anyway ( because I can be a nice person sometimes.. and I don't want hubs to get woken up as we are not sleeping well) Fil hates to "tell me" anything, wants to talk to hubs. I explain hubs is sleeping. Well FIL gets up at 6 am, EVERYONE is up by 8.. LOL I told him I get up at 4 but I don't call anyone then! Then he proceeds to tell me he has tons of pictures from his sister, he does not know any of these people. ( yes, I know he wants us to take the 11 photo albums). I tell him my Aunt has been going through her pictures, tossing any that don't have people she knows in them.. good idea. Maybe his sisters grandkids would want them? Then he askes what I am doing these days.. uhhh working? Mom and hubs are retired, I am not. And on and on... Then we get to the real point,, he thinks we should turn off the AC at the river house when we are not there.. because the bill for electric has gone up 11$$. I try to explain that its a trailer basically, and if its 80 outside its 120 inside and not good for the appliances and such.. Which are OLD ! Like 30 years old! I fronted the money for the new heat pump.. I don't want to have to replace the appliances. Hubs comes down, shaking his head in disbelief and mutering.. Nope, he has not called him back! This will be my fault too..LOL I know FIL is 95, and he can't change his mind.. but I get tired of it all. And to top off the morning, the Jehhovas witnesses came by,, hubs was outside, I left him deal!

Ugh, more internist drama. Incompetent internist, incompetent staff. I’m in so much pain, received not so much as telling me the maximum amount of Naproxen I may take for failing joints. They tried to refer me to a pain management doctor in a different state, who no longer even sees Medicare patients. He used to, but no longer sees people on Original Medicare. In my many years working in health insurance, I’ve got that picture. Doctors don’t cease taking patients on Medicare unless Medicare has found issue with their care, billing practices, or out and out fraud. The doctor wanted me to pay $340 cash for the office visit as self pay. Like anybody can afford that, then no treatments covered, have to pay out of pocket for everything?! Crap care from an incompetent physician. I called them to confirm they no longer take Medicare, asked if they knew of any doctors who will accept. Was given two names, both one state over. Both confirmed they will take Medicare patients. The first one has poor reviews of his medical care, not simply things like long waiting room waits or long waits to get an appointment. Actual issues with the actual medical care. The second one seemed highly skilled, well rated, but only taking part time patient appointments as he is an anesthesiologist and board certified in pain management as well as anesthesiology. I requested referral to the latter. But since the incompetent internist hasn’t ordered any xrays of the failing joints, even if the PM doc will give me an appointment, he won’t be doing anything for me for my failing joints pain, without xrays to substantiate any treatment plan. So, basically, it will be months of more pain, on top of the six weeks I’ve suffered since the internist cut me off pain meds, without tapering, no warning, no discussion. Next week I do see a new internist. I also requested an orthopedist referral, as this is where the idiot internist should have started the process.
so, if I don’t get the referrals from the current internist, I have a new one to approach next week.
so much pain, having so much difficulty even cleaning house and caring for my sick husband.
wish me luck!

Golden,

I sure am sorry you are having one of those days.
This is I guess how people who come from dysfunction must feel the grief?
Anyway, I do understand, as I've had these kinds of thoughts about my dysfunction also. Well I certainly hope all of this gets better, but do know you have the support from many of us here on the thread.

Huge Hugs,
Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Ali,

WOW.....you sure sound like a total other person compared to some years ago.
I congratulate you on your moving on and growth. It's good to realize when one has outgrown something. While we do often think about the people we're going to miss, your participation, etc. it is a good thing to evolve.
I wish you the best and yes, we do need to live our lives.

Much Love & Life & Light!

Margeaux

Golden, I understand your post about grieving about the destruction, and hardship.
Rays of love and warmth to your heart. A nice long soak in warm bubble bath is in order. (Maybe add a little epsom salt). Maybe some lit candles. May help the aches also.


Girl, So sorry to hear about your pain and trouble finding a doctor.

Happy Father's Day to all. I hope you all had a wonderful day. Since I work nights my thought on this being Father's Day hit me on train ride. The tears tried to come but I had to nip it in the bud. Sat nite I had planned to listen to his favorite songs and reminisce like i do every year and think of some good memories. He was a good man. I miss him so much, always have and always will. The dysfunction flew off the handle when he died. I don't know why he did not instill the same things in my sister. He would tell me "you work make sure you bring something to the house" suff like that. I dont think he said those kind of things to my twister.


Sometimes I just cant fathom my sisters hatred and jealousy or whatever it is that motivates this situation we are in. I often wondered if she or my mother knew exactly what they were doing. Purposefully trying to hurt and dismantle me in one way or another.

I had the texting fight with my nephew again. I had really tried to go no contact but an event happend. I wont go into the details but I took pictures and sent them trying to show my mother needs more care and the safety issues in the house. All I got was blame, blame blame. The only times she wandered off were on my watch. I went away to SK for 30! days without a care in the world!She didnt go wandering the 30 days I was gone! And he started out with "everybody knows" the real deal. I really dont care for my mother. So its the same old thing in circles. Its useless. Meanwhile nothing has been done about the bean crumbling under bathroom and the broken floor around toilet. I had someone come clean gutters on roof and it lookes like that was the problem, amazing how water can pour in do amazing damage.

The scarrs my mother and sister's narcissism are deep. I see how am always second guessing my self and tip toeing around others feelings which in the wrong people is like asking for disrespect or humiliation. I am too sensitive. Worried I have stepped on a toe and then angry at the gaul to mistreat me.

I have to get over the hurt and disapointment from my nephew. When my son went away to college. I focused a lot of love and concern to help him. He used to drop me off to work at 6am on way to academy. He would pick up a friend who lived with his mother and elderly woman. And boy! she would walk him to the car give him his lunch and iron his uniforms. So I told nephew if he wanted I could help him out with ironing. I mean I know how stressful it is and was for me starting a new profession. I didnt have any support my mother was the head of the family and it seemed to me she was doing every thing to hinder me. So anyway I willl never understand the motive behind such treatment but I do know I spent my whole life trying to proves to her that I loved her and here this same theme comes up between my sister and nephew. I pray for justice through the APS Case. I had to refrain from returning a text in answer to the accusations. Also that I leave the blinds open! not safe! The neglect is obvious. I try and its overwhelming. The good thing is that she is settling in her dementia. Today before I left I had to follow her all over the house to feed her. Then sometime she goes and wash her hands and sit down either at table or on the bed and its so easy that way.

Well she is back downstairs. I Found her yesterday finally laying in bed, I know her legs felt much better. I put a blanket over her and tipped around so she wouldnt feel motivated to get up keeping those legs elevated.

Had abdominal studies. Now have to see surgeon and get this surgery thing going. I am curious to know the results because of issues.

Oh and I planted some impatiens red in white in my mothers pot last week. I hope they grow into a giant ball like hers did. I used to buy the trays for her every year for mothers day. She had more plants in the pot. I also threw some baby's breath seeds in some other pots and around tree garden we share with a neigbor those I place in the corners. Anyways with the rain coming regular they are looking good.

Much love for you all.

Made a very nice dinner for Fathers day. Ate about half way until I couldn't take anymore and went to bed.
Day started off OK, in the AM dad came down to go to church. I said happy fathers day... he said thanks..... funny, I am a dad too but nothing back..... oh well, that is the way he is, all about him.
My daughter and son in law stopped over in the afternoon, we had a nice visit with them. Of course he sits down in the middle and take over a conversation I was having with the SIL. Starts telling a story and name dropping.
So later I went shipping for food. Bought 2 lobsters and one steak. Lobster for him and my wife and steak for me. Made a very nice meal, sat down and not a word. Not "hey lobster, or thank you or this is nice".... nope, nothing. So instead of getting mad I left my plate and went to bed. Not a pleasant sight when I went to my room, a lot of saying what I wanted to to the wall.
My wife did tell him why I was upset when he asked, He didn't say anything. Then he said "he was too busy eating to say anything", really? Too busy eating to say nice meal?.......He did come up later and asked if I was OK, told him I had a migraine.... Doesn't matter, he wont get it. He came down to my office this AM and said it was a very good meal, he didn't expect it.... I do not look for or need compliments but one would expect someone to say thank you for cooking for them or something to that affect. So narcissistic. Funny, it was my fathers day too...... I guess I have to talk to someone before I pop one of these days. The stress is unnerving. Getting tired of having no privacy and catering to others. I guess time to be a negative person.

TG, your dad has been this way all his life - it's ingrained in him. I know it hurts to do kind things for him and not even get a thank you. But he isn't going to start being appreciative - he's entitled. For your sake, I recommend that you stop expecting behavior that isn't going to happen. I know it's easier said that done, but it's really important for your emotional state (and Mrs. TG's) to align reality and expectations, Gradually what can happen is you'll start to adjust your efforts - a nice brunch for Dad (less work) and then go do something fun with your kids or dinner out with your wife. You'll be less resentful and upset. When I decided I was tired of doing all the work on Mother's Day, especially as it was expected and not necessarily appreciated, I changed it up. Went to taking my mom out for lunch the day before, then spent MDay as I wished (in the garden).

Yes, it is difficult living with someone you have to care for. I did take the day before to spend with my wife as my FD present (bought some things for my bike). Figured I would make a nice dinner after all it is FD and I'm a dad too. 5 years later I am doing the same stuff. As my wife and I talked it is time to stop. Stop pleasing him, stop trying to make him feel better. It is all this hallmark crap that guilts us all into having to do all this stuff.
Today is another day...... will start doing less for everyone else and more for me. Caregivers have to take care of themselves or there will be noone to take care of the one who need it I guess.

TGengine, your words: " ...Stop pleasing him, stop trying to make him feel better....
Today is another day...... will start doing less for everyone else and more for me. Caregivers have to take care of themselves..."

TGengine , I'll hold you to your words. Let us know when you do something to improve your situation so we can cheer you on.

Okay, friends! Thank you all for the warm thoughts! I know the people here are cheering each other on, even when only time exists for a quick note of support to everybody! Shout out for everybody here!

Tomorrow is my first appointment with new internist. I need to make a list of the various good specialists, names gotten from a nurse friend, who knows who is good, who I should see. We shall see.

I don’t want to get off on the wrong foot with the new doc by discussing the current internist shortcomings, referrals not made, none of it. I need to make the visit all about me, not the horrible current internist. I can certainly give my new internist the names of my current gastro and pulmy. What I need to accomplish tomorrow is getting the ball rolling on orthopedic assessment of the failing joints, pain management.

So, how do I handle current lousy Doctor? Do I just give name of former FL internist, since I moved here a year ago? Do I have to even give the new doc the name of the lousy current internist? I don’t want to come off as withholding information, nor drug seeking, just for pain meds. How do I do it and convince her I am responsible, compliant with meds? Ideas?

Girlsaylor,
To ease your mind a bit....
When going to a new internist, the apoointment time may be only 15 min., 30 min., or almost an hour if a complete physical is scheduled. There will be no time at all to discuss your previous internist. So you are correct, just leave it out.

But always be honest about your medical history, in a brief synopsis.
Sometimes, the doc. doesn't even send for your medical records. This may be because a system network already has your history on the computer. Allow your doctor to ask you the questions he/she needs answered.

They will ask you for a list of current medications prescribed.
Unless there is time for a complete medication review, the doctor should respect the meds you are already on, and refill them accordingly. Or, as the need for refills come up. Allow for more visits so the doctor can get to know you.

Prioritize your needs, not everything can be addressed in the one visit. If you are seeking mostly a referral, then lead with that. Say you need an internist to coordinate your care (means: t h e specialists need a doc to report their findings to.).

Doctors try to fulfill their obligations to your care by standardized treatment protocols already in place. I do not see them eager to make referrals to specialists
these days. Your experience may be different.

Best of luck on your search for the proper care! You count too!

Thank you for the reassurances!

So today I saw the new internist. It’s a good 45 minutes drive, due to so many intersections to get to a state route. Made it on time, half hour before my appointment time.

The new doctor was everything the reviewers were saying. Competent, took enough medical history to hit the high points, make sure all current meds are accounted for in her records. I pulled up my last lab results on my IPad, so, she could see the latest. She asked if I had been rechecked for the blood in the urine. Told her my labs six months ago indicated blood in the urine then as well. So, did the deed, to recheck. She told me she was handling it, no worries on those things being ignored from now on. What a relief. Got a referral and appointment with an Orthopod, second week in July, to assess with whatever imaging he determines appropriate. He does hips, knees, but not spine. It’s a start. New doc didn’t want to refer for pain management, wants to wait to see who the ortho works with for that. Seems to be the horse before the cart, finally. We didn’t really discuss the prior internist, other than status on some of the other medical problems, what had/hadn’t been done. So it wasn’t hard to take the high road on that. I showed her the bloodwork, so she knows the doc’s name. Not even requesting records from her, as I take notes on all immunizations, when received, screenings and dates. So it seems a good fit, finally. I’m looking into where I can get labs done close by, don’t want to drive that far for just labs, fasting, given my gut issues. She said I was tense, felt my neck, glands. My response, it’s the pain I live with. Your muscles would be tense too if you lived with failing joints. Lol.
Finally, a good internist found!