notrydoyoda Posted January 2012
The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?
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So here is the deal, he say she contacted him approx 3 weeks ago. did they do the work because of his contact?! Well luckly he did because me or my mother would have been in the basement if the beam had collapsed. I would have been one of those unsolved mysteries cause they would have left me down there for a good while!!
So anyway he comes and says in a nutshell what I complained about. The sink drain was clogged, and anyone with decency and spending money on repairs will go ahead and make whole place look decent, spending thousands how much more would you charge me to plaster this little place and go over that spot so it look like I spent this kind of money. We got the cheepest toilet........
I had no idea he was in touch and I got a little upset because if he falls for their antics my cause for my mother is lost. Thus his contact is why my sister has been changing my mother's clothes every week or so. I thought it was because I told her she had two sons and she listens to her that it was the least she could do.
Anyways the Mr. G told me not to make it about me. because I got upset when she told him my mother dint need a home attendant that I was there until 4pm and she comes in at 4. How can she even put me in the equation when there is no contact with me, no communications, and especially when they claim I dont do anything for my mother. Then lie, because as I told him I have to sleep to work and I feed her and make a bee line up stairs to sleep which is often broken by knocking. And that she comes in and goes straight up stair. I just hope the truth is established and dealt with in this matter.
Anyways, he assured me these things take time. he has approval from his supervisor and would be filing the court papers before he leaves for vacation the end of July. my sister responding to him delayed this process. But his finding to day was that repairs are needed. I guess its obvious what going on and like someone on forum use to say a lot. I am going to have to keep my shut and my emotions in check. I cry from frustration and the backlog of spite and vindictiviness. it all comes very easy. I get scared I think its going to go downhill and that this is going to blow over like all the other wrongs and then I start the self doubt. So now I realize how I need to check my self especially if we go to court. My twisted has already contradicted herself first saying to the meals on wheels that I dont care dont dont do anything then to this man that my mother is in my care all day to 4pm. On top of which she has me blocked for her care or medical information - Whew!!!'
But the bottom line is that my prayers are being answere and twisted and nephew are now answering to an authority and not doing to well in addressing issue. So I do expect retaliation just didnt realize they were in contact with APS , they are being checked and that is most important after being checked about my mothers care.
Prayer works. Praise God!! and even though I am tired, I still feel good. I see surgeon in am. He is an oncology surgeon but thank goodness just a surgeon to me.
Rays of love and light and goodness to us all.
Amyjoy, I have been there. Both twisted sissies reported me to APS for financial exploitation while I provided 24/7 care for my mom and stepdad. One reported me for mom, the other for stepdad. Yes, they got their satisfaction by making me more stressed and SICK OF THEM. There was no exploitation occurring and APS closed the case with the statement to me that the reports were nothing but vindictiveness and spite. They found the care received was excellent and were very supportive of me.
The problem with twisteds like this? Who the heck knows. Maybe they know they could never do it, so how can anyone else? They don't pitch in to even raise a finger to help. So, they do it to make themselves feel better. There must be something illegal going on or we wouldn't be able to handle it? Are they relieving their guilt and feel these reports are actually helping folks?
They are twisted minds, not in touch with reality, then add in their narcissistic tendencies! TS1 would actually call stepdad, in a completely hysterical crying fit, telling him how me being in mom's home, caring for them, was keeping her awake at night, and twisting her stomach in knots. 😫😫😫 Stepdad could not figure out what her problem was. POOR TS1! It was supposed to be all about her now wasn't it? She is delusional, and a counselor by profession.😀😀
Well I continued to provide the care for another three years until I had enough of the two of them. It got to the point that each new problem they caused I would just roll my eyes wondering whAt they would come up with next. Then come here to vent and talk with others here that I now consider my family and closest friends, they get it! They have been there. Keep coming here to vent and even just chat.
My only advice with APS is to be open and honest with them. Invite them into the home. Show them there is nothing that you need to hide. Actually consider APS as your advocate even though they are advocAting for the folks. All they are looking for is that folks are well cared for.
Just try to relax, it will not last forever and the twisted sibs will end up looking the fool.
Best wishes to you, I know how hard it is.
We have had a dumpster for almost a week and the house is finally done...yeah! However, about 5 days ago my mother tells me she has things that she would like to put in the dumpster. I tell her that is fine. Then nothing! So, 4 days ago I tell her that we are almost done and she needs to put whatever it is she wants thrown away because we are not keeping it for the full 2 wks. She then removes all her Rubbermaid tubs that she keeps in the bathtub (no we don't use it because there is no shower) and puts them in her room, which is small. Her bed is pulled away from the wall and her nightstand is sideways which makes the room smaller. You can't even get to her bed without hitting something or tripping over something. I just went into her room to tell her something and there is that mess! UGH! When I ask her when is she going to straighten her room she yells "I am going to get to it." Her bed is on wheels and is very easy to move and she is not that far down the dementia path yet. But I try to remind her she could fall and end up breaking something or hitting her head. She just tells me she knows and if she cuts her head I could stitch her up then I tell her, I will just call the EMT's and they can take her to the ER. Then she just says, "oh well!" Anyways, I feel like she is doing this to play some kind of control game. I never told her she had to get rid of that crap in the tub because my sig other and I don't use that bathroom. I don't know, maybe I am making more out of this than what it is! I just don't understand and I never will.
I read some book years ago that we pick out our parents before we are born, but I don't have the foggiest idea why I would have picked her. She lies and always has; she steals and always has. She loves drama and she is a horter. I wonder who is this woman that I use to call mom? I know dementia changes people, but seriously, I don't think I ever knew her. I don't think any of us did.
I just needed to vent. This problem seems so dump compare to the problems of what most of you here on AC are going through. Thank God I see my therapist tomorrow.
Thanks for letting me vent!!
In a way, some of my prayer has been answered. I was able to give up some days and have time with my family. However, the new pca is not performing at an expectation to totally satisfy me. Wash undone and not notifying me or the nurse when supplies are low or out. Instead of caring for parent, she is riding my sister and a neighbor to town being gone for hours.
Dad seems to continue to ride on me accusing me this week of putting mom against the sister living at home with them. Then tells the state worker I come in late and don’t do as he says. If he says do this first, then I should do this first. My clock starts as soon as I start doing work for them.
So after being put in a corner by dad and the state worker, I told them I’ll call my supervisor to resign. My mom was totally unhappy and I could not watch. Then last night hospice called, saying sister is requesting meds saying mom is fighting them. I requested they contact previous home health agency or come out and see for themselves beforehand please.
Right now I am listed as the main caregiver with hospice. If I leave completely, I’m not sure what will happen. Sister and dad may even get rid of hospice. So at times, I still feel mom and I are losing.
Shell38314 [I read some book years ago that we pick out our parents before we are born, but I don't have the foggiest idea why I would have picked her.]
Are you serious on the book? What about your siblings? If so, I wonder if we can give them back!!!
Talking to her the other night. She was all amped about the MLB All Star game. I couldn't care less. Third degree on what I was watching. Not really watching anything. You're so funny! (Meaning odd, not humorous.). Then she says well are you gonna talk?!? So I start in on something that happened during my day. She interrupts me something a about what was on her tv. I must've sighed and she got all nasty. She interrupts or changes the subject when I speak all the time. She said well I don't understand it and don't really care. Radio silence. Well are you going to talk? No you said you don't care. No skin off my butt. Well goodbye then! Yeah she hung up. No contact for 2 days now. Oh well.
Sealed the deal for me not making a trip there soon. LOL
I just explained to a good friend on here that I snap right back at them now. I've always tried to be the good girl thinking that meant letting people say and do whatever they please to me and just taking it.
Being nice doesn't mean getting walked all over. Why did it take me 57 years to learn that. It doesn't matter if everyone likes me. Wow, what a concept.
Where will you live?
Haven't heard back from APS, I assume they have to complete a thorough investigation. Do they have access to financial and medical records?
Colleagues of my addicted brother are attempting an intervention this week and they hope to send him to me and have me get him into rehab. We'll see how that goes...just what I need in addition to the two demented parental units.
Hope everyone has a good weekend. :)
The toxicity of this situation is killing me. Literally.
I'm not even sure I'll be able to ever work again now that the anxiety and depression has kicked in. I feel trapped. I guess I'm having a pity party but this 24/7 with her just isn't healthy and to her-it's business as usual. She doesn't know or want to know any other way of doing anything. oh, and while she bi^ching at me she's telling the dog that I'm scaring her (the dog) and being a bully, and she understands why she (the dog) is scared of me.
Her dog loves me, but I can see how anxious she is making this innocent pet using her as a pawn. Sorry, I just needed to vent. sighh
Just sent the form to the funeral director in E'ton and he says this is incorrect and I don't need it and the the guy from Ontario is giving me wrong i formation. I don't think so. The guy in Ontario has been in the funeral business since the Ice Age.
E'ton guy asked for a contact number for Ontario guy which I have given him. I hope between them they can sort it out. From what I read on the Ont gov website, Ontario guy knows what he is talking about. Oh well!!! I trust that they can get it straight.
On the up side, the financial adviser has things well in hand, and I heard today from the lawyer re dealing with mother's bank. I will go south again in a week or so, bring all bank account related items and a list of things that need to be paid currently and my estimate of what will be coming in. That leaves me with taxes to be completed and then most of the paperwork will be done.
The real upside of that trip will be picking up another kitty - one of Pumpkin's brothers. He needs a buddy to wrestle with. P is totally comfortable upstairs with us - doesn't stray into the kitchen or back hall. He does stairs well and leaps around the furniture. I have some plants that are potentially toxic, though none that are extremely toxic, and, as kitties do, he was playing with them and taking a taste. Well, that won't do, so I made up some dilute vinegar water and sprayed them. Cats don't like the smell of vinegar. He let out a large growl and shot off to the safety of the shoes on the front hall. I had to reinforce no plant tasting again today. He is pretty sharp so hopefully he will learn what he needs to.
As well that trip will include dd and dgs who will go to Fantasy Land at WEM as an advance grandson birthday treat . So it should be fun.
Take care all - build in some "you" treats!
So adorable.
It is information on detachment.
This is clipped from coping*dot*org (Tools for dealing with control issues/learning how to detach).
In order to become detached from a person, place, or thing you need to:..:
First: Establish emotional boundaries between you and the person, place, or thing with whom you have become overly enmeshed or codependent on.
Second: Take back power over your feelings from persons, places, or things which in the past you have given power to affect your emotional well-being.
Third: "Hand over'' to your Higher Power the persons, places, and things which you would like to see changed but which you cannot change on your own.
Fourth: Make a commitment to your personal recovery and self-health by admitting to yourself and your Higher Power that there is only one person you can change and that is yourself and that for your serenity you need to let go of the "need'' to fix, change, rescue, or heal other persons, places, and things.
Fifth: Recognize that it is "sick'' and "unhealthy'' to believe that you have the power or control enough to fix, correct, change, heal, or rescue another person, place, or thing if they do not want to get better nor see a need to change.
Sixth: Recognize that you need to be healthy yourself and be "squeaky clean'' and a "role model'' of health in order for another to recognize that there is something ``wrong'' with them that needs changing.
Seventh: Continue to own your feelings as your responsibility and not blame others for the way you feel.
Eighth: Accept personal responsibility for your own unhealthy actions, feelings, and thinking and cease looking for the persons, places, or things you can blame for your unhealthiness.
Ninth: Accept that addicted fixing, rescuing, enabling are ``sick'' behaviors and strive to extinguish these behaviors in your relationship to persons, places, and things.
Tenth: Accept that many people, places, and things in your past and current life are "irrational,'' "unhealthy,'' and "toxic'' influences in your life, label them honestly for what they truly are, and stop minimizing their negative impact in your life.
Eleventh: Reduce the impact of guilt and other irrational beliefs which impede your ability to develop detachment in your life.
Twelfth: Practice "letting go'' of the need to correct, fix, or make better the persons, places and things in life over which you have no control or power to change.
Personally, in place of the phrase "your higher power", I put God. I hope this list is helpful.
There are two more things that I want to add that I did not write. These have more to do with relating with someone who has borderline personality disorder, but they are useful elsewhere.
(SET)Support - Empathy - Truth
Support refers to an initial statement, which indicates the loved one supports the person. It is a statement that begins with "I" and demonstrates concern and a desire to help. It can be anything that establishes a foundation for the relationship or interaction: "I want to try to help you feel better," "I care about you," or "I am worried about how you are feeling."
The support statement is meant to reassure the person that the relationship is a safe one, and that his/her needs matter even during this difficult moment.
Empathy refers to communicating that the loved one is trying to understand what the person is feeling, and focuses on "you." It is not a conveyance of pity or sympathy, but instead a true awareness and validation of the feelings of the BP: "I see you are angry, and I understand how you can get mad at me," "How frustrating this must be for you."
It is important not to tell the person how he is feeling, but instead put his demonstrated feelings into words. The goal is to convey a clear understanding of the uncomfortable feelings he is having and that they are OK to have, thus validating his feelings. Without such a statement of empathy, the person may feel that his feelings are not understood. It is important to use feeling words, as in the examples above.
Truth refers to a realistic and honest assessment of the situation and the person's role in solving the problem. It is an objective statement that focuses on the "it" -- not on the subjective experience of the person or yourself. Often the person may seem to be asking, or demanding, something impossible, not taking an active role or responsibility in resolving the issue, or even presenting you with a "no-win" situation. The truth statement is meant to clearly and honestly respond to the difficult demand or behavior of the person, while placing responsibility appropriately: "This is what I can do.," "This is what will happen.," "Remember when this happened before and how you felt so bad about it later."
It is important to use the support and empathy statements first, so that the person is better able to hear what you are saying, otherwise the truth statement may be experienced as little more than another, and expected, rejection creating even more defensiveness or anger.
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -
PUVAS
(use for complaining and/or blaming)
- Pay attention
- Understand fully
- Validate emotions
- Assert yourself
- Shift/Share the Responsibility
Paying attention to what is happening and what is being said helps us avoid making assumptions.
Understanding what someone is trying to communicate may require seeking clarification so we don't make assumptions.
Validating the emotional statements of the other person will pave the way for further smooth communications.
Asserting yourself is a form of setting boundaries and is a very important piece of the healthy communication process.
Shifting responsibility where it belongs holds each party accountable for their own feelings and behaviors. This can be in response to four different scenarios...
1.) If your person is blaming you for his or her feelings and behaviors
2.) If you are placing blame on yourself inappropriately
3.) If you are trying to fix their problem
4.) If you recognize that you have done something to contribute to the problem. see less
I live a distance from mom and my sister (she's been caregiving/administrating) for mother for over 12 yrs. now. Mom was in late stages of All. My husband drove me down there on Monday evening. I was completely shocked to have to walk into mother's crowded bedroom. Our very dysfunctional brother decided to inform his 4 grown kids (mom's grandkids) so now they were there, in what in hind sight I wish would have been a private last moments with our mother. It was so distracting to have all these people, who never, ever took their own time in the 12 yrs. mother found herself in to come and visit her. NOOOOO they had to show up in the 11th hour. I was flooded with emotions at this moment, one of them being anger at having to feel like now my siblings and myself had to be witnessed by others in this very initial moment of our grief!! To make matters worse, that day my inflammation was at an all time high, I was in pain all over my body.
These aren't the only grandchildren either. So now our other brother asked my sister not to mention and make sure none of the four who showed up at mother's bedside mentioned they were there, for fear of the rest of them not having been notified about this. Oh Boy!!! My sister didn't even know they were coming, that was our brother's doing. The way I saw that was that, this was the way my brother was appeasing his own guilty conscience & his kids, because truth be told they weren't involved at all with any of mom's health whatsoever!
Anyway, mom passed on Monday July 8th. Next day we, my sister, youngest brother and myself planned her funeral. I'm so glad the dysf. brother couldn't join us. He did enough theater the night before when mom passed away behaving as if he were a reverend of some kind.
So tomorrow is the funeral and we opted for a one day event. No viewing, only a mass then onto the interment. This will be followed by a reception at a local restaurant. My sister has created enough distance between herself and especially one sister in law, and said she just didn't want her coming to mom's house.
I'm just trying to keep a certain attitude about me right now, in anticipation of tomorrow's event. They'll be lots of family who loves to cause drama.
I will miss my beautiful mother, but she lived her life and in a very good way!
May her spirit soar very high! She's now with my dad.
Much Love & Light!
Margeaux
Thank you so much for posting this! I sure needed to read this especially
right now!
Much Love & Light!
Margeaux
🌸🌼🌿🌻 HUGS
I am still in good place. I continue to find surprises. Found freezer door open where my mother put a second six pack of water but could close door.l Everything is melted but was still cold. Twisted was upstairs in her room as usual. So I have to water these plants I started with so I try and get my mother to come out she doesnt participate in the watering and she seems to listen about coming back in. I give her her independence about it. come in and let her come in on her own.
I am still in a basically good place in my heart and spirit. I am learning not to react to the spiteful stuff and leave it in the Hand of God. Its hard to take the high road but it feels good when I talk myself out of stooping.
I guess I will always have this undercurrent of sadness. mourning my mother and watching her age. But what I am noticing is that she has started embracing her mental challenge in a since and know that she is confused at times which is great. I am so happy that now we can laugh and talke and "prance" in this dementia. When she was less challenged it was not a nice picuture so I am grateful to have this.
I guess too, that I will always mourn what my family is and that part of me that refused to see it.
I saw the surgeon, he says the mass in my abdomen is about the size of an orange and is calcified but they will not know if it is cancer until the do a biopsy.
I am not back to waiting for the biopsy of the thyroid. Nodules, maybe thats why I get hyped in a second. Surgeon also said they have to remove a part of my small intestine as the mass may be connected. If so it will be a piece about 10inches, he says 3days to get back on track. I dont want to be out of work to long but if they cut instead of laproscopy then recovery may take longer. I dont even want to think about the pain. I am also thinking that this pain in my left groin area when I walk or turn in bed my be related to the mass.I hope it goes away after the surgery.
We had a black out in NY yesterday. a transformer blew and blacked out a section of the city which included 42nd street area. One of the busiest areas and on a weekend.
Anyway, I lam not really caught up.
Rays of love and healing to us all.
So Sorry that you are also having body pain, are you in the Fibromyalgia Club with a few of us here, or is this something new, whichever it is, I know it Sucks as I have it too.
Hopefully as time goes by and things settle down for you, it will ease up some, I find that stress makes it worse.
For now, please know that I am thinking of you and you have my deepest sympathies, Take Care! Stacey B
Being new to Mobile home living, the first thing that came to mind was "I hope this thing doesn't fall off its foundation", but thankfully it didn't, and of course it is strapped down as required by law, so no worries! Lol!
Golden, New Kitties, how FUN! Hope everything is going well with the houseguests and You Too!
Cmag, I am so glad that you re-posted those helpful tips of Detachment! It just so happens that I started to re-read this thread from the beginning last night and came access it from the first time you posted it. It is Super helpful, especially for the Newbies who are only just finding this thread and navigating life cari ng for a Narcissist. I Thank you for starting it up so long ago, it has been a real game changer for me on my road through caregiving! Cheers Mate!
My house is a bit messier than before, but I can live with that. Dd is helping me with some stuff. I am sleeping in the basement where it is cool, dark and quite. I escape there in the daytime when I need to for a nap or just some alone time.
Got the cremation/burial stuff sorted out and gave direction for the headstone which needs to be cleaned and engraved.
Taking some paperwork to the lawyer when I am south to move that along.
It's a bad year for ants here so I have to get after them again before we go.
I had forgotten quite what maniacs kitties are. They must play!!!! He is extremely cuddly and social as well as being a maniac - lots of fun. Having a brother here should help to keep them both entertained. They can wrestle with one another.
Yes, gershun - my avatar is Pumpkin in the middle of an attack on the Kleenex box.
We will head south tomorrow or Wednesday. A hotel break will be good. Maybe R and I and the others, if they wish to, can take in an Imax show or two.
Things will settle down here soon, I think.
Hugs to all. Do what you have to to keep yourself sane. 😜
Pumpkin is just to cute. They can be a handful at that age, but boy, are they fun to watch! Having brother should be such a joy. 😀
So I call tonight. Oh her arm is hurting her. I wanted to say well I had offered to take you to a pain clinic, but she had a hissy fit and wouldn't go (I had to cancel). I'm not offering up another thing for her. I've gotten her arthritis and pain cremes, items to strengthen her hands, heating pads, you name it. All used for maybe 5 minutes, only to have her say - it didn't work. She expects a magic pill or potion. I think she actually wants to be incapacitated so I will have to have her live with me (or so she thinks). I'd pay for a caregiver to come to her house before that happened.
The next thing she says we need to pray. Umm, ok? Pray that her landscaper gets out there soon! I just said let's be real, I'm going to end up having to do it. "Well what are you crabbing about? Your brother comes over here all the time, and I don't have to ask him to do stuff!" He lives within 2 miles away. He doesn't do any hard labor at all. None. He cleaned one spot on her floor, when she got a new appliance. I clean all of her floors, bathrooms, kitchens, etc., and I'm not told anything except how I don't do it correctly. That confirmed it to me that she's never called the landscaper; she wants her pound of flesh out of me, wants me to do her damned weeding and trimming. The fact that she made extra, over the top bedding areas, when this was to be a maintenance free living condo. They had an ample space in the front of the home. She dug out all along the driveway, all along the garage, all along the backside of the house, all along her property line, and then a island type of bedding area in the middle of the backyard. It would take all weekend to get it done by me. And, if I would happen to go and do it, that would be all I'd do. The end. No driving her to do shopping or eating out. Tough. You want this, so that would be it. I'd also have to do the inside of her home, too. Good luck with that. The gardening was her one big hobby, but it was not my hobby. No planning ahead, just thinking she could do it forever, or she'd have me do it. I don't even tend to my flowers much. Perennials that do not require much, and I have a landscaper who has been out to redo everything as far as trimming and weeding.
She then said oh I have to hang up, I can't continue to hold the phone (sob). It's a total guilt trip, and I'm not buying it. She can yak on the phone to the few friends she has left for hours. It's a ploy to get me to say something like suggest a doctor (so she can explode at me), or to get me to go there (doubtful again as it's going to be hot as hell this weekend), and ultimately for me to say oh come live with me (nope - visit at best - very short visit at that).
I honestly don't think anything short of her "getting her way" would make her happy and happy for like a day or so. She said that last night during her last call/tirade, "if I'd only gotten my way years ago" - how she'd wanted to move to a different state/region. It never would have happened as all she knows is her hometown (every other place I've lived she said was "stupid"), plus she's scared of her own shadow. She's brave when yelling at me or others in our family. Meek to outsiders. If she did move here permanently, I'd be blamed for her selling and leaving her wonderful hometown.
I dread every phone call and shudder when I see her pop up on my phone calling me.