The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

This group thing I've enrolled in is grueling. The only thing I can equate it to is imagine picking at a scab deep down in the cellar of your soul, it starts to bleed, you immediately try to self protect, the scab starts to form again and then before you know it it's group night and you are picking at the scab again.

Tonight was especially tough. I keep telling myself "it will all be worth it in the end" Please God, let it be so!

Someone on another thread asked where Barb is. Does anyone know?

I saw her on Tacy's good bye thread the other day and it looked like she had maybe changed her name to anonymous and a number. It may have been a temporary thing. Not sure.

Really wrong of AC to delete all past messages from Barb. What an extreme version of censorship!!

I don't know - when you delete your account does everything go? I'm not going to try it to find out!

I just hope she checks in at some point or I will be very sad indeed.

Barb's name and wall is still there, she's deleted her profile and made all her settings private though. She had mentioned she was thinking about leaving before all this kerfuffle, this was probably the nudge that did it.

She didn’t change her name herself, we have to email the mod and request a new name and the name change literally happened moments after she said “tacy you’ve done me in”. Her name went anonymous because she clicked the “delete account” link on her profile settings. Is it true her whole profile is gone? Because her comments have disappeared and so did a message she sent me and it wasn’t deleted by her because we don’t have that ability.

editing to add—her user ID is back! It’s no longer anonymous.

I think when you delete your account that your id goes anonymous but your comments remain.

Yes her user is back but with a picture someone else just used and no way to respond.

I'm here. Just need to be much less active for now. Going on a long vacation in a few days; no worries.

glad you are still here Barb!!!!! I think we were all feeling a huge loss there for a minute. Enjoy your vacation!

Barb, Yay!

Enjoy your vacation!🍷👍🏻🕶🌴🌞

Glad,

You could have your own botanical garden! Who is that guy on television that does that garden show? Can’t remember his name. I want to say it’s initials. Going to drive me crazy. I have to google it now. Grrrrrr. But you know the one. I think people can actually tour his home. He may be in Arkansas or something. He has these elaborate gardens. You could do something like that! With your garden? Heck, yeah! You put me to shame with your skills.

I used to watch Victory Garden a lot. Loved the gardens and the cooking segment with the fresh veggies too.

Wait, I think that guy’s last name is Allen. Does that ring a bell? Someone fill in his name if you know it before I can google it. He does craft segments too. The other day he built a little serving tray from a picture frame. It was cute. Kind of like Clinton Kelly did on the cooking show, The Chew.

Just googled it, P. Allen Smith.

Barb,
You will be missed. 💔
There is hope that you will visit us at times.

I was in tears when Garden Artist had left, another long time poster well respected. However, she has returned after an absence, long ago.

So I will hold out hope for you also. Your vacation is well deserved.
Thanks for supporting everyone! 🐦 Be free happy caregiver!

My knee replacement surgery was Tuesday. I was discharged Wednesday PM. Technically was done as an outpatient surgery. Was not nearly as painful as my September total hip replacement. No leg lengthening this time, so didn’t suffer the same muscle and nerve damage. Whole right thigh is still numb from the hip surgery. I won’t lie, knee replacements hurt. The block wore off by Thursday, but I have slept right through bedtime pain medication doses two nights in a row. The one thing I am being religious about, is taking pain medication before going to the therapy center. Actually wish I could split the pain pills, but as they are coated, no can do.
We had a lovely meal dropped off by the local neighborhood association, such a sweet gesture by our local neighbors. I did the same meal prep ahead, lots of cooked food ready to thaw and heat. Good thing I bought things like the Peapod mat, feminine hygiene products. I can’t get up and out of bed for fast potty trips these days. The no rinse bath cloths are a great way to clean myself, as I have a drain in the wound still. Was surprised that they instruct you to remove your own tube, throw all away seven days post op. Thought anything stuck into the body was a biohazard. Apparently not so. Hubs drove me to therapy today, seems he is not having so much anxiety these days. He is scared to death he might have to assist with bathing, bandaging, things like that. I just take care of all that stuff, easier for me. But the squeamish thing does make it hard.
Hope all had a restful holiday, and did some self care. So important to do, so we can care for our family members. I’ve cut way back on my online time, so as to be more supportive and less needy. Giving me a calmer disposition too. I am trying to be more measured and deliberate, when I do respond to others.
Have a good evening, All, and a good weekend.

Girlsalor

I am glad your knee replacement surgery went well. My wife's didn't. She ended up in inpatient rehab for 10 days and has spent the last three weeks at home only able to put 20% of her weight on that leg with her walker. The problem was that the doctor discovered her knee bones were soft and small. We hope the xray on Tuesday will show us good results.

Hi duck - thx thankfully I am rid of the chest stuff. OTC stuff helped. I may try the NAC if it happens again. Once I got rod of the mucus I was better. Sorry about your grieving but it goes along with the alz. Accepting family the way they are helped me to deal with them. Keep going with the flow.

glad - hope you bulbs survive. Love the spring flowers.

gershun - thanks for the update, Work on one's past, one's childhood can be very painful. Best to get it all out in the open and let it heal properly. If you are honest, I am sure it will be worth it in the end. Be sure to be especially good to you during this time. I remember reading "Healing for Damaged Emotions" by David Seamands while working on past stuff. Lots of tears.

barb - glad you are still here. I guess you needed a break from the drama.

Need - I loved Victory Garden, too.

girlsaylor - glad your knee op was a success and pain management is working. You are so good at prepping meals for your recovery. time. Wow -do it yourself wound care!!! Glad your hub is less anxious. Talking about caring for family members - it takes energy even if it is "only" verbal/emotional support.

yoda -sorry your wife's recovery is harder than expected. Hope it goes well from now on.

We are still having unusually warm weather for this time of year. The kitties were out yesterday for hours and today are wiped and very quiet. Works for me.

Going n/c with my sis is giving me such a feeling of safety. I have never felt this safe in my life. I am sleeping much better over all, and, in general, feeling better, I have had sinus infections of one sort or another all my life and, amazingly, my sinuses are OK now. I am so thankful. It shows how stress harms our immune systems.

Take care, everyone. Do something good for you. 🌺🌺🌺

Thanks for the support, Golden. I agree, each person benefits from observing personal safety. Whatever it takes to get to that place"

NoTryDoYoda, sorry your wife is having issues with the wife’s knee replacement. Hopeful she will continue healing. Restricted weight bearing is so hard. My first three hip surgeries, over 20 years ago, I was non-weight bearing over 2 1/2 months, each time. Spent a lot of time out of my life using crutches. Have been on a cane over 20 years, due to multiple destroyed joints. Now using a rollator, once again, post-op, so I can take food, beverage from kitchen counter to sit down. And, I need the seat part of the rollator for pet care, rolling food dishes to place where I feed them. The neighborhood gal who helped me last surgery is coming to help me once again. I hate spending money to hire assistance, when it’s stuff the spouse could easily do, but won’t. As far as being mistreated when I’m sick, or pos-op, it only took one time for a neighbor to take me to a doctor appointment, for the embarrassment to pull him back in line, suck it up, and drive me to appointments without complaint. Friday he drove me to PT, showed him where to go to park, large orthopedic complex, several buildings in a campus-like setting. And showed him the back parking lot exit, to get out onto the correct street, to not have to deal with the one-way exits, putting us going wrong way for freeway access.

I have a question for all of you who read this thread. My parents are deceased now. I was made administrator of the will. I had to get an appraiser out to parents place. So I call. I tell him I dont think much is of value.
So appraiser shows up and walks around barely interested in anything. Asks how I heard about him. I said thru lawyer. I said I need an apprasial just a cya kind of thing. Didnt think there was much of value there. He discounts most of what I said the whole time. Treats me like I'm barely there.
After he heard about my lawyer all he wanted to do was get out of there to contact him. He said he and my lawyer need to discuss this, and HE will be discussing my business. He needs to inform my lawyer of things. I said he doesnt need to, He only needs to do an appraisal for me. Completly dismissed me like I didnt exist.
I asked for an appraisal for ME. I have to pay for it. Why is he going over my head to contact my lawyer? There is nothing for him to discuss. I told him that was my business and I can talk to my lawyer myself without his help. I dont need him to interject himself in my business. Just write an appraisal or say nothing of value here to appraise. He only looked at 2 cars and said they might be of value. That's it. I felt very dismissed and discounted like I was a little kid. Like he was using me as an excuse to run and suck up to my lawyer, so the big boys could talk about me. I was so upset after he left. He treated me like I was 12yrs old. Like the men needed to handle my situation.
Never explained how appraisals go. How much he charged. Nothing. How were other peoples appraisals handled. I was under the impression he just wrote it up and you meet and pay for it. Thanks

Jasmina, I think once the appraiser heard that there was a lawyer involved, he realized that this was no longer a CYA situation where he could simply write that there was nothing of value. The appraiser is now covering HIS posterior.

I don't think this is personal in any way. Did you tell your lawyer that you were hiring this particular appraiser? They might have needed to communicate beforehand so that the appraiser could find out exactly what the lawyer needed in this particular situation.

((((Hugs)))). I know you've been through a lot with your sister dropping the ball and trying to clean up the mess she left.

Barb, enjoy your vaction.

Golden, always such good advice, you are such a blessing.

Glad, please keep updating on garden send pics!

Girl, I am so happy for your successful knee surgery, wishing you all be best and Godspeed.

I got another call from APS he states I should be hearing from them soon. He says they will try and make someone guardian before they take it on. I am willing to do that even though I dont want the responsibility. Thing is either way I will be doing the usual work.

I hope all is well with everyone, Sleep tight, Good night. Rays of love and wisdom.

Duck, think long and hard about becoming guardian. Your situation is so dysfunctional I wouldn't touch it. Just say no.

Jasmina, what about contacting another appraiser? And don't bring up the lawyer.

I will admit, I am a very suspicious person. Do you think there is a chance that there is something there of value? Maybe attorney is in cahoots with the appraiser. I just stop and think about Antiques Roadshow and the things that people bring in that they think are worth nothing but then appraised for lots of money.

Just this week, a man from North Dakota, I think brought in a Rolex that he purchased while overseas in the service. Granted a Rolex, but it had something very special and unusual about it. All the paperwork and a special model that he has kept in safety deposit box and not worn. The appraised value? 500-750K!

It is strange that the appraiser would want to talk to attorney.

Jasmina -I understand your discomfort at being essentially dismissed from the appraisal process. I don't think it appropriate for the appraiser to exclude you. You are the administrator of the will and have a responsibility to deal with such things, Let him know if he wants to be paid he deals with you. Good luck. Let us know what happens.

duck - do you remember your advice to sissisu? If I were in your position I wouldn't touch it with a ten foot pole. Please, as glad says, think very hard about it.

Back in the big chill again, but warmer tomorrow. The weeks of warmer weather in the middle of the winter make a huge difference. Had some aching but no pain thank goodness. Here's to spring coming soon this year.

Take care, all.

Another update on my wife following knee replacement surgery January 4 plus 10 days in rehab.

After three weeks of being house bound, today's X-ray looked good.and the doctor said that my wife can now put 50% weight on that leg. He will have another x-ray done on the 17tth with hopes that she can start out[patient PT the next day with 100% on that leg. This is great progress!

Right now, she will get home PT as she has gotten for the past 3 weeks. I've also been busy helping her sister with some financial issues and other issues related to her retirement in June.

Yoda,

So glad that your wife is progressing well with healing after her knee surgery. That is good news. My hat is off to physical and occupational therapists. They do wonderful work with patients.

Great progress, yoda.

Lol, thanks Glad and Golden. Yes I remember my advice to siss. I hit the brakes hard.


Don't Shoot, please bear with me for a second. . Wouldnt it be better for a family member to take over than for the city even if its a pain. All I see is getting her a home attendant, things done in the house, and therapy for the legs, and needed medical services. The control and the false sense of authority will be taken from my slither and nephew, and she get proper care and attention.

Thanks for making me stop and look and seek.

Meanwhile I have been on a constant mission not to become like my mother and slither and nephew. Prayer to not feed into retaliation and a need for vengence on the many violations and offenses I have received from them both.

My no contact continues, but events continued. N threw out my draino 2 bottles, one was expensive kind.that I use to make mouse poison and two pans. ( I mix driano with peanut butter. It works If i keep it regular.) Anyways on my way back up 2 flights to get the draino I just happened to take up last week these thoughts of smearing his picture with the draino ( Him in Police uniform) was heavy on my mind. I was feeling again insulted and disrespected and feeling like enough was enough. I pray and fought the impulse.

This was a thrusday. I have made a new routine of sleeping in on Thurdays I dont set foot outside. sleep late and cook. I have the meadls changed to come on friday. So I get up early cook, do damage control do laundry and then I can just sleep late Sat. my last day and tie up loo0se ends or chill.

So this thursday when I take trash from the damage control I see my N has also moved two trash small trash bags and placed them on the threshold of the door. So when I open door and see this I was like the MF done lost his mind, who does he think he is. Throwing out my stuff and now this. Understand that this was one of my mothers signature moves when she was able to think,Put what ever the subject was in a place where you could not not see it.

jWell!! Praying and knowing I was wrong and asking forgivness during and after, I took this daino I just happend to take up stairs last week and fed my oringinal impluse to put draino on his picture. All I could see was how they took my son's military picture off wall years ago, and his family picture off fridge door and put his picture in place. So I feed into this impulse and felt like sh$%$ right after. I had been so proud of not feeeding into the madness and blocking my blessings and their due karma.

Anyways Thank God, the picture was safe. I had already leftr the bag on the door threshold for three days and was not going to move it unless it was where I had placed it. So the bag was placed back where I had left it and I threw It out. Then today I noticed that he had cleaned out the trash and junk from behind the tv stand! Now I would set poison back there and traps so I guess I caught a critter and he got it and cleaned out the space. I saw used gloves in hall. dont know why he didnt throw them away. But anyway I am so glad that Wrong did not proper and block the positive things that happened.

I have learned my lesson and remember all the turmoil when I gave into my need for revenge and spiteful retaliation. So glad and happy thank God.

I hope everyone is well and taking good care of themselves and smiling.

Rays of love, light and wisdom to all. Sleep tight.

Duck, just say no. An impartial between you and slither and nephew would be better for all.

And not even really an impartial, but someone solely looking out for what is best for mom.

Duck, how would you be able to enforce anything at all in your mothers house? Wouldn't Sis change the locks and prevent a home attendant from coming in? What would you do then?

You'd have a lot of responsibility, including financial. I wouldn't do it.

OMG. Do I need this thread.
My hubby had a stroke three years ago & was left with memory & cognitive deficits. In the past year, hypoxia from end stage emphysema has made him worse. He speaks in pronouns & is child-like. He never was able to return to work & just retired.
Although my folks lived 90 minutes away, I’d only seen them twice in four years. My mom is an extreme narcissist & mean as a snake. I couldn’t put myself through it anymore.
Dad died a year ago so I brought her to AL in this city. She’s nearly blind & dad did everything. Spending six months with her to get her house packed put me on the edge of a breakdown. Six months of being terrorized just by her presence all over again. And now she’s in the same city. She goes thru constant manipulations to try to get me over there as much as possible. I finally did a month of no contact & saved my life.
I have two brothers, one in the same state. I have a lot of friends & good support system. Everyone knows her toxic behavior so no one wants to be around her & subject to constant abuse. She never had friends in her life & now wonders why no one visits. All she talks about is people telling her she’s beautiful. She can turn sad news of a friend’s death into how she’s misunderstood.
Gaslighting Queen. I really don’t like seeing it up close & personal again. I set boundaries tho the manipulation attempts continue. I stick to minimal contact & don’t enjoy that.
And all this time my hubby is getting sicker. I’m currently trying to take the keys from him. I don’t believe he has the cognitive skills to drive anymore. He’s reactionary & argumentative. Last time I tried to get a life, he forgot he’d dropped me off at yoga. I’ve since learned to get used to weirdness like that.
Main point is thanks for letting me vent. So thanks for the topic!