The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Hi book - all those losses must be hard on your father and others in the family. You did the right thing paying for the lunch with your brother. This financial stuff can get into grey areas. I need to spend a few days in Edmonton next week to do stuff re mother. My daughter tells me I can pay for that from my mother's money. I have spent $1000's in the past with hotels and travel to see her and help her, but always paid for it myself and not asked for nor expected anything. I don't know that I am comfortable with her money paying for it. She has enough, but that is not the point. Anyone have any thoughts on this? Sis has gotten her daughter to do some of the communicating -she wants to play it safe I know. Right now she is being supportive, but I know that can change of she thinks pleasing mother will get her anything. She hopes to get all the inheritance so I know she will try to cause trouble between me and mother if she can. - has always been that way. She lives overseas but I have been using phone and computer which she can use too. Also she can well afford to fly to Edmonton. It is about 2x what I pay but I make more trips. I have to go with what the docs suggest. It is one reason I need to take over the finances and file a report with the police. It will help prevent her doing foolish things. Now she will be furious with me and abusive, but what's new? I will just have to keep communication to a minimum. If she is not put in a closed unit we all will be nervous about what she does next. One of my fears is that she will come up here and demand that she move in and I look after her. No can do!!! But it is not beyond her to try that. If so I would take her to a hotel or the hospital or get the paramedics. Right now she is mad at me and that is better - but so foolish. She has appointed me POA but has told the hospital not to give me any information -typical!!!

here am I with another post but, bear with me - I so appreciate all your feedback
Margeaux - I agree about the rules - one seems to counteract another, and the intent, which is to ensure that seniors get care while maintaining their rights. Sometimes it seems the rights take precedence over the care. re your aunt - narcissistic people particularly want to maintain control, and when they get to a point that their minds aren't working right it becomes a nightmare. I would think that repeated verbal and physical abuse should warrant a psych eval. Doctors have put up with mother's behaviour for years without doing anything. It was only when the live-in senior nanny broke down in hospital that they did an evaluation. I don't think they pay as much attention to family members. I am waiting at home for the call from the hospital to discuss mother's care and dare not go out to do the police report, but will as soon as I can. The nurse defended herself by saying that bipolar was what was on the report. She was quite defensive in general and kept saying she couldn't tell me anything. I wasn't asking anything, I was trying to tell her things I thought they should know which, obviously, were not being recorded right. Aaaargh! Thinking about it I think she was afraid of mother who was threatening and trying to bring her lawyer into the hospital. Mother is a bully and she will throw her weight around anyway she can. She is still very bright and articulate and will throw hurtful threatening words around with no reservation. Thanks for the thoughts. I know the right diagnosis/plan will come eventually. I hope it is this time or the nightmare will continue. ((((((hugs))))

Alison,

Welcome to our thread. I've been on it over a year now, and came when things were absolutely bizarre w/our dysfunction.

Please come back anytime, we need some survival skills.
Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Hi all, thank you very much for your welcome. I'm coming off a particularly emotionally chaotic week where my mother (who lives out of town and has been divorced for 35 years from my 75 yr old father - to whom I caregive full time right now) kept up a pattern of behavior from her where she makes accusations/insinuations to me that I'm abusing the trust money for my dad. I'm not, and its very much the opposite... but that doesn't stop her from being obsessive about financial matters that she has no business prying into to begin with... but then she keeps escalating her behavior with each trip to my dad's house... the last visit she took dad into his banks, this past week's visit she went into the police and apparently made some allegations of financial abuse. And the kicker is that my mother claims she is coming into town to visit with me... because she seeks a relationship with me... she wants to have a nice visit with me, she has said on multiple occasions.

Its very hard, at this stage of things, to keep justifying the time/energy I'm dedicating to caregiving to my father and sorting out "his life." I'm a bit demoralized at the moment but I've felt this way on and off for my entire caregiving time. Who wouldn't be demoralized? My father is an explosive yeller (theres also history of minor sex abuse... which in itself is such a complex and hurtful thing... I can't even being to deal with this issue while living as his caregiver) and loves to take out frustration on me and blames me directly for everything including his health problems, my mother is suspicious of my motives and justifies her actions (by blaming me) no matter how over-the-line they are, my siblings are either not involved or also blaming me. It gets to be a bit much, doesn't it? And this sort of mental/emotional assault is just heaped on top of what is already a large physical work load.

I'm taking things pretty slow at the moment. I'm not rushing to make emotional judgments about my mother's behavior... I'm more focused on regrouping myself, getting myself back on track and fully healthy and functional within each day. My mother definitely "knocked me for a loop" by getting the police involved to investigate my situation with my dad. But... is her behavior "par for course"? Yes, of course it is, which is why I decided to come over to this thread with all of you good people who know firsthand what its like to deal with toxic family and their crazy antics.

Emjo, you mentioned how you were caregiving to parents for years now. I can relate to that. I've often said, even before I became "in-person caregiver," that I didn't have parents... that I was as much the parent in the relationship, and have been all my life.

I'll never have a loving, trusting relationship with either of my parents. And I really don't have another second of my life to waste on grieving this or being surprised by their behavior. I must figure out how to contain the all around fallout of their dysfunction. For some time now, I've been bolstering my emotional/mental/spiritual well being by paying extra attention to my physical health. I got pretty darn sick earlier this year from all the stress. So now, when the going gets rough, I start babying myself with extra sleep, more focus on nutrition/exercise, and just let "the mess" sit there another day... until I'm feeling better. I used to just run myself ragged but I learned that that kind of repeated high-anxiety effort on my part - to solve things, fix things - just made me feel worse and LESS capable of actually understanding the true nature of the problems and make any real headway... make sense? I was spinning my wheels a lot of the time, not realizing it, because I allowed the situation to mentally/emotionally exhaust me.

I'm going to cap this novel here and be back again soon. Thanks again so much for the welcome and I do really appreciate the chance to participate here with other people who have similar caregiving experiences. ...the club we never wanted to belong to, right? ;D

(((((((hugs)))))) Alison - whoa, way too much for anyone to deal with. A nice visit???? Right!!! Demoralised? I guess so!!!And the mental/emotional assault is heaped on top of the physical workload and also the shadows of the past, which are still there in some form. I don't know about you, but I and a few others have PTSD from childhood, and current stuff can still trigger that off. A psychologist called Pauline Boss wrote a books for caregivers and in one (I think "Ambiguous Loss" or else "Loving Some Who Has Dementia: How to Find Hope While Coping With Stress and Grief " in which she has a small portion for caregivers who were abused. Frankly, the topic deserves a book of its own. She believes that it is not wise for the abused child to care give parents "hands on" because oif the history and even current[problems. but rather manage their care at arms length. One statement addressed to the care giver that struck me hard was "do no further harm". I believe in this advice and with the support and example of other care givers here, it is what I work to do. I manage my mum's care from a distance, and ensure to the best of my ability that her needs are met - not all her wants, but her needs. She often doesn't like the distance/boundaries I keep - but too bad. My mum is a bully and it sounds like yours is too. Maybe it is time for you, Alison. I protect myself more now and speak up more. In dysfunctional families often the children are given a care giving role and never really have a childhood and certainly so not have a safe environment to grow up in - anything but!. The focus is all on the parent(s) needs and wants. I am still learning to detach and provide safety for myself -wish I had done it sooner. Gotta sleep - chat more with you later. Glad you are here. Sometimes I wonder if this thread should be called the Caregiver and the Crazies because we sure see some crazy behaviour and I don't mean Alzheimer's. Love and hugs to all Joan

Oh and your comment about the club we never wanted to belong to . yeah! I belong to several of those. Some you can get out of and some you can't. Just the way it is.

Book~Just so I understand, are you saying your uncle is an actual twin or that he looks incredibly like your father?

Joan~I think it is best to always keep financial matters between ourselves (in the caregiving) separate from our parents. I could add up mileage on my car for the time I visit mom saying it was supplies and get reimbursed. I don't want to carry it that far because I don't think it is right. The nickel and diming will add up quickly and that money is for mom's care. I work to support my needs so I agree with you.

ABB~I know what you're dealing with is emotionally draining. Last year there were several times that I wanted to resign my duties as second on mom's POA. I say I am second which is true, but I live in the same city as mom which has resulted in me doing the most...I don't regret that or have hard feelings toward my sister who is primary...it is logistics. I wondered if it was worth it...the verbal abuse, accusations, threats of calling the police. You know what I mean. I am not going to recap everything, you are welcome to read my profile to get a better understanding. I am glad you came back. You are wise to take the time to get your bearings back after this blow with your mother. Take care, Hugs to you!!

Sis and I went to the graveside service for sil's mother. It was a very nice service. I thought sil's family was not very religious but apparently her mother was a believer even though she didn't go to church. Afterwards we went their home for a reception which my sil cooked all the food herself expect for a veggie tray!! She has to stay busy or she completely breaks downs. You know my sil lost her 38 year old son on May 9 to cancer and now on July 8, her mother to the cancer. Her dil who was married to the son she lost....made a great, heartfelt gesture today by bringing my sil the ashes of her son. It was so emotional for everyone. She said they could share him because that is what he would have wanted. In all the years that we came together as a family with my brother and sil, her kids were very quiet around us...you know how teenager are...today sis and I talked at great length with one of her son's for the first time. It was really great and we told him when we were leaving how much we enjoyed talking with him today. Now that my brother and sil have the traumatic losses behind them...hard part begins...the grieving, getting on with their retirement and enjoying the family and love that is around them, remembering the good times with those they lost. Hugs to everyone!!

I posted a long post, hit SUBMIT, and had an ERROR message pop up. Backspace back to this page..my post is gone. Sorry,this will be the shorter version.

Joan, I do try to separate my costs with father's. Still lacking and know it. But, I'm a procrastinator. Eventually I will get it right. I'm finding your situation fascinating. Actually I find everyone's situation fascinating. It's just so strange to think that my family is not unique...that it's actually so prevalent.

Sharyn, my father and his brother are oldest and youngest. Uncle, the youngest boy, and aunty, the oldest sister, died this year. Father and Uncle look soooo much alike, walk, height, smile, flirty, jokers, and mannerisms. They can pass for twins.

ABB, I didn't mean to ignore you earlier. Glad you found this thread. I tend to read mostly and comment not as often. I've comparmentized my life. This thread is where I vent about siblings, YOU thread for my caregiving stress over father.

I think it would be great! I live in Ft. Worth, tX

Book~Thank you for clarifying that!!

Hello Dysfunctional Caregivers! Yes, I know its not actually you (us) thats dysfunctional (or at least claiming it) but I like the moniker! ;D

Learning to laugh at myself, and really take the time to lighten up, is one of the greatest gifts I've received recently since caregiving onset a few years ago. I get way too serious about all of the craziness and then I have to BACK UP and realize... there is just NO WAY the Benevolent Universe intended for ME to RULE over my father (my charge). So then, everything I do is just my opinion and what I think is right, given the situation.

If I start from this place... of opinion... and trying to do what is right... given my limited human knowledge...

Then I do better as caregiver, and as a (happy) person, than I do if I believe its ABSOLUTE FACT that father absolutely needs this, or father absolutely needs that.

This is just the philosophy/opinion on my mind at the moment, nothing more.

I appreciate this new safe place to dump my deepest thoughts, thank you!

Ok, onwards and upwards my fellow caregivers!

And emjo, "caregiving at arm's length" makes all the sense in the World to me right now. I'm definitely "living and learning."

Bless your hearts! My Momma is a spoiled brat. I was an only child and raised myself mostly. Momma ran all over the neighborhood talking and visiting everday. Thank GOD I had my Grandmother close. Momma never learned to cook or drive. Didn't clean the house very well. She never worked. I started doing all of that very early. I married young to get away from it. My Daddy was awesome but died at 65 and Momma was 58. She came to live with us and helped us raise our three daughters and two grandchildren. We love her very much, I just get hurt by her bossy ways sometimes. I am not a bossy person but I can handle this. I've worked since I was 16 and became very strong, a survivor. I think she appreciates me but she is just bossy. It could be a lot worse. I count my blessings and pray a lot. I pray for all of you also. GOD will work it out!

What can I say but I enjoyed and could relate to all the profound and true comments. I am glad I stumbled on this thread but when I see "dysfunctional" I must read about it. My mother is a 91 Narcissistic and still wants control. But, through counseling, I have learned to remove the guilt of our family secretes and admit and understand where much of my "stinking thinking" came from. It made me try to be a people pleaser at any cost to be liked. But, I was not happy. And it has been the understanding of what we have all been through to break this habit and those of us willing to share, are the reason society is learning there were not many good functional families. They are problems in the best. But, through our experiences and sharing with one another, it has helped me to remove the "guilt" and live my life the best I can without blame and understand that my parents did the best they could under the circumstances from their own dysfunctional families

This has allowed me to remove the guilt and anger. There will always be scars and personality traits, I cannot change but I do like the new me who wants to help my mother but not at the risk of making my own family and health worse. I know I have to be happy within and I am proud of the progress I am making. It is just so sad, it took me most of my life to understand the real problem was never about me.

Please keep this wonderful new thread going. It is right in line with the caregivers since we all suffer from "too much "responsibility" for everyone. And not only my family but dear friends come to me as if I can solve their problems. But, I listen and try to give less advice and just show the love and compassion I have in my heart for others. But, no longer do I feel "responsible" to make them happy. I want to be a good friend, but I have to keep my head above water and cannot allows those who have used me to continue. I will love them all but with my own health issues and disabilities, I have learned to take care of myself without the guilt.

God Bless you CMag for your insight to start this new thread. It is so nice to see my new friends here from How Are You Doing Caregivers thread with all the wisdom they have shared. They will be an asset to you here and I hope you find the comfort you are looking for. We do need each other.

Warm wishes,

Sunny:)

Doing the best I can do, and recognizing my own limitations... accepting my inability to "fix" my dad or his situation... being and remaining very flexible and not having too many expectations from him whatsoever...

Its difficult. I've been an exacting, demanding person on myself and my life. And now I'm grouped in with a crazy person (father), in his home, and I have to find the balance of how to still be me, and find simple happiness in each day, and deal one-on-one with craziness and anger each day as well.

Every day lately I'm thinking more and more about a finite timeline where I do as much as I can to benefit my dad's situation but make plans to extract myself from this situation... I'm hoping I can be out of my dad's house, and have his care/plans figured out, by the end of 2013.

I guess I'm just so aware now that I never truly have a moment's peace in my current situation. Could I make it work living here? Certainly. But I don't think that's a good choice for my happiness long term.

Hi all -a "drive by" as I am getting ready to fly to mother's city tomorrow early
sharyn , I guess we see it the same - their money is for caring for them. If I was destitute and she needed me -maybe, but not otherwise. Thanks for filling us in about the service. sil getting the ashes must have been very emotional.
book your family is not unique - lots of dysfunction around
kd - not sure what you are referring to - but welcome
ABB -glad if any of my experience is helpful. I have learned the hard way, as we tend to do. Keep dumping! How to be yourself in the midst of it all in not easy. Not good to lose yourself. A finite time line sounds like a plan to me. There are alternatives for your dad and you need some peace in your life, I think making a plan is a great choice! Keep us updated!
College - welcome - a bossy mum can be hard to take at times, especially when she did not do much when you were young. Lots of us did not really have a childhood.
Sunny - narcissism and control are hard to deal with. Congrats that you are out of the people pleasing and the guilt. We can't "fix" anyone. I wish I had learned some things sooner, but have to be thankful for what I have learned. Sometimes we have to let go and let God with others. We were brought up to be hyper responsible and have to unlearn that. Yes, we need one another. This site and the people on it have been a big blessing to me.

I realised in the past few days that I cannot help mother any more other than dealing with her finances and physical things, and overseeing that the professionals are doing their jobs. She is unmanageable by any normal means and needs ongoing professional care I will tell the hospital that this has gone too far and I will not deal with her self created crises any more. I have done it all my life - literally from a very young age - my father drank, my sister hid in the shadows, I broke up fights between them when I was still in grade school, when I was 13, I once told her to go to her room when she was having a tantrum and she went. I have been the scape goat the whipping boy, the servant. No more!Whatever decisions they make about her affect me and my life deeply and I am going to let them know that I am DONE with the abuse, anger and manipulation. I do love my mother and want the best for her, but have to deal with that at a distance. I know the BPD and narcissism is the major problem, and I would not wish it on anyone, but you don't stick your hand out to a biting dog for him to do it again. I look forward to seeing her in heaven, as she was designed to be. Have a great week everyone. I always bring my computer so I will be in touch. Do something good for you! I got my nails done yesterday -a nice sparkly orange/coral - goes with some sandals I have! Love and blessings - Joan

Joan, thanks again for your wisdom and so precise stance of how many of us feel.
We never had a childhood and were the responsible one from small children. I have two younger brothers (8 & 9) yrs and was a terrible 2nd mother and sadly they have not turned out well. They both had it worse than me since I got out young too. I was not a good marriage but beat being at home. After high school I left and never looked back but still Mother has always depeneded on me and makes excuses for the boys and I cannot do eough or good enough and I stopped trying. I am like you I am doing the best I can while protecting the progress I am finally making and refuse to upset my life like it was most of the time. I lived such a roller coaster ride, it was hard for me to accept when something was going smooth since I knew it would not last long. But, now that I can accept Mother as she is and back off when she starts manipulating and blaming, I can take it. But never in my home.

We all love our parents and want to help them and the ideal situation is to be their with them but as the life span is getting much longer, they should be in a place with nursing and professional care. Most of us are not trained to deal with all the issues. And don't know when to run them to the doctor or what to do with the toxic personality, when they are no longer responsible. But, we are human and can only take so much abuse and most of us have reached the breaking point trying to change and help our loved ones. Alcoholism was a major problem in our home and as I child of 13, I called the police on my father for getting rough with my mother but I saw her push him to the limited and cause much of it. But, we as children had to be the adults and responsible ones. Of course we were the "pefect child," we had no choice but Mother still pulls my strings, I am just learning to walk away and let her get over it. She needs me now and is not as bad but I have to keep a safe distance and I have to be careful that she will not manipute me with her Dementia and forgetfulness. The last two weeks she says she is not eating and getting Diarrhea. I think the move shook he up a bit and it may be her nerves but if she does not do better, I will take her to the doctor. I do know this move has been hard for her but it is so helpful for me to have her close enough to help. But, I don't want to be an enabler and it will be difficult to tell what mode she is in now with her Dementia. Some days she is beginning to act like a child and she will be a Myrta for attention so it difficult to know what is real with her. I will just do like you said and let go and let God lead me to help the best I can without it ruining my life. So, far she can pretty much take care of herself financially and I don't mind helping when I can. But, I believe she needs to be in the Assisted Living rather than her apartment but she will not consider it.

Her apartments are adjacent to the Assisted Living and there will be no problem getting her in unless she fights us but her physician is mine and he is good and will have her committed there when it is time if she refuses to go, and he will put her in a nursing home, which she would not like. He is a wonder geriatric doctor and you cannot fool him. He has her telling him everything and he will know when it is not true. He has given her something to calm her nerves but she will not take it like she should. I am going to let him know and deal with that. I have preached and begged enough. I will let him be the bad guy and she will probably quit him. She just started taking any medicine this year at 91 and she wants to be noble and let everyone know she does not take anything other than her Tylenol PM. lol

My warm wishes to all of you. I truly can feel all the pain, frustration and hurt for each one with such difficult situations. My love and prayers are with each of you and I know we can help each other. I am sincerely thankful for each of you. Your understanding has meant so much. I truly am proud of and love each you, my new family. Each of you are so special and my heart is with you and your suffering. Just hand in and don't expect more than you can give. Your own health and welfare is so important to yourself and others.

Warm wishes and God Bless,

Sunny:)

Sunny:)

Welcome to College and Sunny! Please come back and share some more.

Joan~I hope you get things taken care of in Edmonton. Yes, I would have to be destitute or more to accept my mother's money for support. I have spent quite a bit of my own money out of pocket for groceries, repair work on mom's personal belongings...I don't even know what it has added up to because it has not caused me a hardship and I really have no concerns.

I will make this short...(an understatement for me, LOL!!) I am off on tues./wed. and the time will be spent here at home as I need desperately to get many things organized again after all the time I spent going through mom's belongings. I know she is being well taken care of so I will visit during the next weekend. Hang in there everyone, Hugs to all!!

Arrived in Edmonton and finally, after several days of trying, got a hold of someone in mother's hospital wing who knew something and who told me that the doctor wants to set up a family meeting with me regarding mothers care.. She was surprised when I said I was here and available almost any time, including evenings, except for the appointment I have booked today. She took my cell number and said I would hear from him. I will contact other people for meetings with the caveat that the hospital meeting takes precedence, as I won't know how to handle some things without knowing what the care plan is.
Talked with oldest son at length last night. They are planning on buying a condo quickly for 2 reasons - due to the flood he thinks the prices will go up. and horrors of horrors his whole building has bed bugs. They have had the exterminators in several times and thought they were free this last time, but, alas not. I suggested he toss all his stuff out to be sure he doesn't bring them into his new place. He said most of their clothing is bagged now and washing it in hot water will take care of the bugs. Then he said it would be quite expensive setting up again from scratch. I told him to not take a chance of taking the bugs with him. And, that likely very soon there will be an apartment full of furniture, bedding. kitchen ware etc. from mother that he could have. The only thing she doesn't have is a dining set. I don't think the others want or need any of it. God works in mysterious ways. Gary would probably hose out a horse trailer and take it all down there. So things are starting to work out already. Maybe son and /or his sig other could come up and help me pack it up.
I am thinking, because of the family meeting, that they are taking mother's condition seriously, so starting to breath easier.

I arrived before noon, but they gave me my room anyway. What a blessing!!! and the rain has stopped

sjharyn -glad you are having some time off -I know you need it.

Better call a cab and head off to the lawyers office. ((((((((hugs)))))))

Joan~Happy to hear you are breathing a little easier. The whole situation is scary and stressful. The family meeting will most likely provide a care plan, as you know, and more info on what is actually going on. BEDBUGS!!! Yes, they can wash their clothes in hot water but as you said, the furniture??? If they have pets, the bed bugs feed on them too. It is great you have the furniture available to help him and sign. other to get started again...A blessing for them!! Hugs to you as you walk through this labyrinth.

Bedbugs. Oh boy. GM got bedbugs in her room a year ago last Oct... I say "her room" because strangely enough, they hadn't yet spread to other parts of her small house. They likely came in from outside (literally outside her room, from the grass, then in through foundation cracks... this is the only explanation I could come up with why they were in her room and no one else's), found an easy target in my poor, elderly GM, and luckily I noticed them within, I'm guessing, a few weeks of them infesting her upholstered headboard and bed. There are ways to contain and combat, but yeah, by and large, its so difficult to truly be rid of them once they are "in." Joan, if you feel your son could use more input about how to contain them and rid himself of bedbugs, let me know, I'll run over everything that worked for me in my situation. I am currently still living in same house, and I am positive that I no longer have bedbugs. But it took a few days of bleaching everything down and patching cracks where they can hide/survive, and then a few months of diligent deterrence to get rid of them. But I did it, and even the exterminators seemed impressed, lol!

I have had a head full of thoughts about crazy family the past few days... I know it was my mom's visit to local police, with her unfounded suspicion about financial abuse, that is triggering this. Certainly before that happened I would have acknowledged that my family is... how do I choose to put it... "unique." My parents are like "aliens" to me.

But now... now I just feel resolved. Not even sad, mad, frustrated, betrayed... Because truly I can't grieve loving relationships I never had. WANTING those loving relationships is an emotion I think we all go through and get over at some point in our adult lives... I DID do that... I DID get over, in absentia, wanting my parents to be different people than they are.

But I can't KEEP allowing my family to push my buttons in such a destructive hurtful way... I got a little mini-bout of depression last week after mom's antics. I'm mostly over it, but it just made it so clear what she's capable of doing to me. I wrote my mom a three page letter where I tried to explain why her actions are inexcusable and asked her to "stay away" for the time being. She has no real reason to come for visits to the city I live in (about 2 1/2 hours drive from her city of residence), other than as she says "to visit and to help"... but as much as I could use some help, I just don't need her kind of help. And this is just the latest in a lifetime of such actions... I don't hate her, I'm not angry... I just don't need the additional chaos. I have enough on my hands with trying to caregive to my father.

I don't know how she will react to the letter. I'm a little fearful of her reaction, no matter what it is. But I did do what I thought was "the right thing" given the circumstances.

So... we'll see.

At the moment I just have a lot of gratitude for this "new to me" thread where I can share this stuff. I have a lot to vent and dump, so I need more than one vent thread, lol!

Alison~Setting boundaries and limits around your life is very healthy, even if you have to set those boundaries around parents. It's not an easy step to take but you are moving in a positive direction to protect your health and well being. I started setting boundaries around my marriage and children very early. At one point in time I even gave my parents my copy of they key to their house because I got fed up with being called to come over there to unlock the front door because one parent would lock the other one out of the house during a fight. Keep coming back, vent and dump...you go girl!!

Hi College! I wonder if all parents when they get old becomes so bossy. Father tries his best to tell me what to do – in everything – even what to eat, when to sleep, etc…Thanks for your blessing.

Emjo – just go with the flow with doctor. Whatever happens, be firm about not letting her put a foot into your home. You might have problem pushing her back out. You’ve experienced this before and you’ve read

Scmoon – I like your comments. It actually “clicks” with me. I think I’m a people pleaser. I will need to learn to remove the guilt when it comes to caregiving and setting boundaries. Problem is I have a very over-active conscience. FYI, not everyone loves their parents.

ABB – I give you kudos on setting boundaries with the family, especially your mother. I like that you wrote to her. I still don’t see why she visits and keeps butting in. And it’s not really innocent reasoning – her going to the police. Watch your back, Alison.

Sharyn, I laughed. I can just see them fighting, and then calling you to open the front door! I would have given back their key, too.

Book~LOL....Yes I did...if they wanted to fight and beat each other up, let them do it on their time. I am so glad those days are behind me and I can laugh about it now!!

Day 2 - I did some research and apparently the family meeting could include mother. Oh my! It is "wait and see" time for me! My cousin's son who lives here visited mother and has been supportive of my actions. I asked him if he wanted to be included in the family meeting, if that were possible. Got a supper date set up with a friend for tonight and may with another friend for tomorrow. One step at a time. Will try to see mother's financial advisor today - he is very flexible - and also drop in at her ALF. Some one asked me why I didn't stay there as she has an extra bedroom. Too many triggers. I would find it very stressful. - this week is stressful enough. The hotel I am in has a pool and a hot tub and there is a day spa here as well. I should use it! Maybe once I know she isn't going back there I can. I guess she will need some of the furniture, but a lot could go to my son. Yesterday I got the documents from the lawyer, and got the POA process started at mother's bank. It will take about a week, and unfortunately they do not permit POA to have online access, but I can use any branch. A bit of a nuisance, but there you are. Mail from them will be directed to me now. Then I walked 20 blocks back to the hotel, acquiring a blister along the way, but it was worth it. I wasn't moving too quickly the last few blocks. lol.

Thanks for the hugs, sharyn. Mother will likely need some of the furniture, but there is much that my son could have, and it is a very good place for it. I may have a few pieces of hers - or even my own - that they can have too. Too funny about your parents locking one another out - but not at the time, I am sure

abb - awesome I will pass along any tips you can give me re bed bug extermination. I am like you - critters will NOT get the best of me. I pull out any obsessive traits I have and give them full reign. I once had flour beetles in a cupboard and someone said I would never get rid of them. That is a war cry for me - never say never lol. I got them out. Bleach, Raid, hot water, steam, anything I could lay my hands on. And many years later, they have not come back. I like your comment about your parents being aliens to you. I have felt that about my mother and my sister. My father, though alcoholic, was a nurturing parent. I have had to grieve the loss of my childhood, and the many "insults" of various kinds that came my way. I have grieved the lack of a female parent that came anywhere near meeting my needs. Every child needs a healthy mother and father. Not every child gets one, but It is a basic need. I absolutely agree that you can't keep allowing your family to push your buttons as they have been. You certainly don't need your mum's "help". Oh my, I can relate to that and the letter. I have shared this before, but will again with you. Once reading a self help book about toxic relationships, I came upon a chapter which suggested writing a letter. So without further ado, I did write to mother about a lot of past stuff and how it affected me and sent it to her. Then I read the next chapter in the book which started "But don't send the letter". Oooops! LOL Too late. Her reaction was interesting. It made no difference between us. She simply explained how each dysfunctional interaction and action was done to help me. I laugh about it now. Yes, you have enough on your hands with your father and making your plan. I think you did the right thing. We are behind you! You are standing up for yourself and that is good. it gets more comfortable with time and practice. How she reacts to it is her problem, not yours. vent and dump away - it is how we survive! Big ((((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))

book, I have every intention of going with the doc unless they want to release her back to her ALF, which I think unlikely. I would not allow her into my house. Think that is not going to happen now as long as she doesn't escape the hospital. In any case I think she is mad at me which may be a good thing. ;)

Time to get moving and get a few more thing done. Have a great day everyone!!! Love and hugs and prayers Joan

Wow! Got a call from one of the team looking after mother. They will have a team meeting and then she will call me back with a time for our meeting. I asked if mother would be present and she said of course, but maybe it would be wise to meet with me alone first. I think so! The team will consider this. I honestly don't know why this takes so many man hours. To me it is very simple. She can't go back to her ALF. She is very paranoid, a run away risk, and not being responsible with her money, so she needs medication, to go into a closed unit and have someone manage her money etc. Like what else???? Oh well, they get paid for this and I don't. Suppose that makes a difference. Time for breakfast!

So - this is a perfect thread - and hoping I can vent here - I have a very narcissistic mother who had a frontal lobe stroke and is aphasic - she is in an assisted living home - that is pretty good as far as they go. My brother is completely AOL - which is fine - at least he isn't second guessing my decisions. However - the burden is on my newly retired husband and I. We live 3 hours away from her - and stay at her house when we are here. Sunday our oldest son came and worked on the house and went to visit her - she spent the entire time looking at me and demanded all of her usual loop of demands - and complains - that are many. I had emailed the caregiver which stated she just likes to complain - which is a truth - and she gave it to my mom - as it also had dental information about it. So - needless to say my mother was livid. I walked out so she would visit with our son - that lasted about 10 minutes. Then next day went back after shopping for all of her "things" she wanted - junk food mostly - and this is something that I do every time I am here. I was still mad from the day before. She started in on me again - and I just lost it - told her I was tired of her complaining - I didn't give her a stroke - put my life on hold for 10 months and am not having a good time either - and I can't get her out of there. She fires everyone - so she can't have in home care. Then I walked out. I really actually felt pretty good about it - a relief. But now there are some pangs of guilt....ugh. Anyone else have this?

sad~There have been times I have lost it with my mother too. It would not have made any difference in the outcome whether she had dementia or not because mom's reasoning is not normal either way. I would feel guilty only because she has Alz...but...lets face it, we lose our patients even with small children. You are only human, can only deal with so much before you reach a breaking point. I am not sure why the caregiver would give your mom the email but now you know not to email info like that again. When my mom becomes combative with me, I leave...right then and there because I know nothing I say will change her thoughts. I just calmly say, "I will come back when you are feeling better." Don't feel guilt for setting boundaries with her. Narcissistic people believe they are entitled to treat you badly so it is your responsibility to set limits and boundaries. Maybe next time you visit, you could buy all the junk food and goodies she likes before you visit. Then you can use that time for other things. You don't have to give into her whims of spending so much time seeing to what she wants instead of seeing to her needs. Come back and vent some more, it really does help!!

Hi sad1 - Your story sounds so familiar. Let the guilt go and set up boundaries. Guilt seems to be part of the caregiving role and also was instilled in you at a young age by your mother. it is a button she pushes to manipulate you. They use FOG - fear, obligation and guilt to control people. I am have found that walking on eggshells is a bad thing, and that being, as diplomatically as possible and sometimes that is not possible, honest, straightforward, direct is the kindest and most loving thing to do for all concerned. Mother complains endlessly too and wants an audience. I have laid boundaries. For example when she complained and complained about an ex caregiver I told her firmly that I had heard it many, many times and that continuing to hear it was not good for our relationship and I did not want to hear to again. In some ways narcissists seem like children and need you to be firm. Have you looked at the website "daughtersofnarcissisticmothers" ? If you google that phrase you will find it and much good info. Eventually you will get rid of the guilt, fear and obligation. It takes a while of sticking up for yourself but it does go. You have my sympathies. Come back and vent some more ((((((((((Hugs)))))))) Joan

Thank you Joan! I will look up that website...funny - at 57 she can reduce me to being 12 with her evil look....which actually - I held her piercing stare yesterday - it was pretty intense.

I know, sad1. Good for you for holding your ground. Part of this is that we have to grow in skills and confidence. Funny - often we are expected to be grown ups when children, and then treated like children when we are grown up. The more you can pull your "adult" out in response to her "child" or her "parent", the better. And the more you can detach, the better. I have posted some stuff on detachment and it may be time to do it again. I need to look at it more than once.