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Hi again!
Tryingmybest, I started seeking counseling early before my dad arrived. The lady I talk to is awesome. If only I could move her into my house and have access to her 24/7 lol. I wanted to address a comment I read in someones post. (I don't remember who) This person said something like this: Why would this be different than caring for your child? It is very different. My child has never done anything to hurt me so deeply as my father did. The love between my child and myself is a patient, caring, gentle love. That kind of love makes you want to do anything for that person. My father did not give that kind of love, I don't have words to describe it. His abuse taught me to hate myself. As a child I tried so hard to please him. Needless to say, I find it difficult to say I would do anything for him. That love that makes you sacrifice for someone is just not there.
Back to something I said before, I always tried to find ways to avoid him. Being around him is toxic to me. I am still sucked into that trap that was formed by the abuse. I am so stuck in that trap that sometimes I don't know where he stops and I start. That is very sad for me. I don't want to be anything like him. I abhor being anything like him. The more I am around him the worse it gets. Adding to that trap, now I have to take care of him, 24/7. So to that person who made that comment, Do you see now? Why its different? If you don't then maybe that's a good thing, maybe you never experienced abuse from someone who is supposed to love and care for you as an innocent child.
I just found out recently that my dad may be living with me permanently. Its horrific for me to even think about. I am so scared I cried. Its something to talk about in my next counselling session.
Thank you for giving a space to talk about it with people who understand. I've read some of the posts and I hope at some point I can contribute.
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rcvela - Don't pay any attention to statements that make no sense. Most of the people here know that raising your child is in no way the same as taking on the physical care of an elder parent, especially one who has abused you. The differences are endless.
I try to tune out posts that seem preachy or negative or judgmental... and thank goodness they are not the norm. Soak up the kindness, good suggestions and support here and just ignore the stuff that feels toxic to you.
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Hello everyone. I haven’t been around in a while but wanted to give you all an update. I’ve lost an uncle and a niece here recently. My sweet niece didn’t get to make her 30’s. Still not happy with parents care. Dad weak but mom is in the worse shape and the one whom keeps suffering injuries. I feel an accident is waiting to happen with dad due to clutter that’s making a major comeback. I feel so helpless trying to stay out things. I know I was told to wait until the worse happens. Well in my book it’s happening and it keeps getting covered up. Few weeks ago, bruised knees on mom. This week I went to visit and my pampering to mom was doing her hair. As I proceeded, I see a nasty gash on the crown of her head. Since they already had appointments I insisted in going in with mom since sibling has been refusing to let me know anything and has sworn the aids to secrecy. And I'm still not poking around anymore (well until this week) but just loving on mom especially and dad. So the gash is a few days old according to doctor and again was not checked on at time of incident. Mom constantly moans every time someone touches her now. I don’t know if she is hurting currently or hurting from previous injuries. I’m just so sadden. I hate this watch and wait.
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Mom got admitted to the hospital yesterday but not without a fight. BP in both arms were in the stage 2 range. Sibling was swearing at me saying mom wasn’t going anywhere but I called for ambulance anyway. Sibling stating she would carry mom to doctor tomorrow. When the ambulance made it, the BP numbers were in crisis range and climbing. Yet emergency professionals had to work at getting live-in-sibling permission to transport. Dad is taking it hard.

Say a prayer for us please!
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Answry, thoughts for you and family. Good thing you were there. You are all going through a lot. Mom is where she needs to be.
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Aswry, prayers for you all.
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Answey - Keeping you and your Mom in my prayers.
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I have a question for anyone who wants to give input.

My bro's birthday was the other day, my mom picked up my dad (long divorced, like since I was 2yo) to participate, so there were pictures of everyone shared with me. My dad's not looking good. It's hard to say, it's a bit par for course, as he's had a very shaky past 7 years, a lot of that time was when I was heading up his medical care.

It got me thinking. I need to say something to my father, in case he should pass soon. He's been such a force for DESTRUCTION in my own life, that it's hard to know what to say. But also, other than the absentee father part, he's not really to blame for me getting involved in caregiving to him, and "ruining" my life starting in 2011. He asked me for help with my grandmother, and I came to help. That was my choice to go and to stay.

So I'm not angry at him. It's sad that he's been such a bad figure in my life. I don't think he ever meant to do any harm to me. He is a very strange guy and has TBIs and perhaps some Aspergers or similar. He has leukemia that was discovered a year ago, and he can't stomach the meds, so... his clock is ticking.

Do I need to say something to him, to let him know I don't hate him? I don't act like I hate him, anyway. I give him presents at Christmas, one of the only people who bother to do anything like that. I cringe on every Father's Day and except once in a great while, haven't bothered to call on that day.

How do you reconcile things with someone who has been so confusing to you?

I just have a feeling his days are numbered and want to make sure I say anything I want to say. Not even sure what that would be. I'm so full of ambivalence about him.

I'd appreciate a chance to be honest about that ambivalence -- with him, or with other family -- but I don't see it going well. Maybe best to stay silent. Maybe there is no way to smooth over the difficult relationship this has been.

My cousin on his side just passed on Sunday. I may go there for the services August 13th.
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I guess what I want from any talk with my dad, is I want to apologize for times I lost my temper during caregiving. But then I think -- I sacrificed so much to help him at this stage of his life, why would I ever apologize? Does that help anything if I do?

I think maybe there is no way to have any emotional "closure" with a relationship that's been fraught with unhappiness (at least on my part) for its entirety.

Just wanting to take the high road and don't even know how or why I would do that.
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Ahhh, Ali, I was thinking of you today. Apologize? Yes, you did so much and such a wrought relationship with your dad. Why did you think you are thinking of that? Maybe, just maybe it would make you feel better. Lose some guilt that you may be feeling? If it helps you, absolutely nothing wrong with that. So why wouldn't you? Maybe you think dad would get some satisfaction? So what. If it is for you, then you should, ignore the feelings that you think dad may have. You may even get an apology in return.

HUGS!💟💟
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Ali,
You are very wise, and I agree with you when you say:
"I think maybe there is no way to have any emotional "closure" with a relationship that's been fraught with unhappiness (at least on my part) for its entirety."
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I'm thinking about this because my cousin (he was only around 55yo, I think) just passed, and I'm going to head to dad's city for the services. Pics of my dad recently show me that he doesn't look good. I'm wondering if the leukemia is wearing him down. I'm sure it is, it's a question of how fast it will go. My dad's on his way out, undoubtedly, but we all know sometimes things can drag on and on.

Since it's 3 years post caregiving and I'm in a good place, and much better place, than I was during caregiving... maybe it's time to be a big person and apologize for any difficulty that I contributed to. Caregiving situations can make a person crazy. I'm convinced of that. lol

Any fights I had with my father during caregiving happened due to a lot of stress, on both of us. I just want to smooth things over, I guess. But it's hard for me, because deep down I don't like the man... as much of a big heart and humanitarian that I am. I can love him as a flawed person, as my father, but I don't like him. This is really hard for me, but I think I have to suck it up and apologize and be kind to him. I think I'll feel better about his passing, when it happens, if I handle things this way.
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Ali, do you think your Dad even remembers the times you think you were short with him?

Rather than possibly remind him of something he may have already forgotten why not just tell him you are worried for him and just want to get your feelings out while there is still time. Maybe he might even welcome the opportunity to do the same. You never know.
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That's good, Gershun, thank you.

Expressing concern for him, asking him about how he's doing... This will accomplish the same thing.

And yes, I think my dad will remember that I blacked his eye once (I only hit him the one time in those 6 years, but I unloaded. I was at a breaking point) and threw juice jars against the wall in his room once when he refused to put them away (after I did his shopping, and he just laid in bed like he did every day).

It was such a bad time for me. :-/ I do feel remorse. But instead of bringing up any past bad times, it makes more sense to me to express concern for him now, and let him know I care.
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IDK, if you feel a need to apologize I think I would frame it as sadness that those years were so difficult for both of you and regret that the stress and pressure brought out your worst self, and that you are in a better place now. ((hugs))
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Hi all - I've been giving myself the month of July "off" in various ways. I've needed it and tomorrow is the 18th anniversary of the assault on my youngest son from which he died on the 30th and I'm feeling it,

sharyn -good for you and enjoy the change! I hear you about being to old to deal with your work situation. Retirement is good.

duck - hang in there.

hi to the newbies. I not up to giving out much these days.

ali - good to see you here. I am thinking maybe you are wanting some meaningful contact with your dad as he may not be around much longer - this triggered by your cousin's passing. As for closure - not so sure abut that. For myself i knew I had to work out closure without mother. She would just have triggered more stuff. Closure for me was a process of accepting her and my limitations,
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Golden, so sorry about your son. I did not know this. If you have talked about this on here before I must have not been around. Be gentle with yourself tomorrow and on the 30th.

I like you don't seem to have extra stores of advice for anyone these days. This world has gotten so weird. I feel like we live in the Twilight Zone. Knowing how to act when I'm out now seems to be a daily learning experience. Some people in my bldg. are fine if I get into the elevator with them, others not so much. So it's probably just safer to say "no, I'll wait for the next one thx" Same with grocery shopping. Going out with my hubs is a nightmare cause he glares at everyone who he thinks aren't social distancing, makes loud comments. I just know he's going to get into an altercation one of these days. Sigh............
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Ali - it is very hard to figure out the best way to make amends, especially if the relationship has been fraught on a number of levels. I agree, you will likely feel better if you do. Making amends does not necessitate prostrating yourself. IMO that is not helpful anyway. I find it's better to keep amends simple. I will make two suggestions to think about.
First, you can simply say something like "Dad, I know our relationship has been strained and I wish I had been more patient. I love you"
Second, my counselor suggested I think about something positive that came from having my Mom as my mother. It was a good exercise for me. My Mom was passionate about literature and nature. Her passion was inspirational to me and kindled my own love for reading and nature. Both bring me great pleasure. Then my counselor suggested I tell that to my Mom. I did and it felt good and Mom genuinely appreciated it.
I wish you all the best with this.

Golden - You will be in my thoughts and prayers, with love.
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Thinking of you, Golden. I think I want to do this "meaningful contact" with my dad just so my conscience is perfectly clear, should he pass away. Caregiving Life was its own world, and I wasn't a good person at times. I hope you can get to feeling better soon. I still have major fatigue, unfortunately, most of the time so I very much understand when someone doesn't have much energy to give away. (((hugs)))

Thank you, CW, Glad, Gershun, Trying... and others... for the input. Hope you all are having a good day!
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THanks for asking! I am so so so tired. You all know the feeling, I'm sure.

My mom is wearing me out. She could be much more difficult, so I should be grateful. But I'm just so tired. Every thing out of her mouth is a complaint or request. It's difficult to just "be" with her. She begs me to spend more time with her (she lives with us!) in her side of the house but when I do I just get a list of chores. It's impossible just to watch TV or visit without a bunch of suggestions.

I also have to find time to be a real live human for my husband and kids! It's so hard because we're staying in and they are missing sports and friends coming over and my husband is sick of being in the house. Our town is spiking so nothing unnecessary. It's so hard to smile. I miss going out to eat (getting takeout is worthless to me). I miss just wandering around Target. Now I'm trying to figure out two different school online schedules and what school supplies they need.

And then make conversation? Look decent? Avoid the news? It's all so hard.
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Hello all! so, first thing my dad says is he can't empty his pee bottles any more. (its one of the boundaries I set with him) I asked why he said he would have to show me. And he took me to the bathroom and showed me where he backed into the wall with his scooter causing damage. My husband wasn't happy about it (and I don't blame him our house is getting destroyed by his driving of his scooter.)
But the real issue is he is has managed to get out of one of the gross things about taking care of him and not to mention is was one of the boundaries I set (he has to do for himself what he is capable of doing) He had the nerve to tell my daughter that she would have to empty his urinals from now on, right in front of me. My husband set him straight on that. I have to ask him almost every night to put his dishes in the sink. I am thinking of making a sign listing my boundaries and putting it up in his room with my schedule on it. Sometimes when he calls for me to do something for him I feel like that little child he gets mad at if I don't come immediately.
I have to get him out of my house, I am struggling. I cry some mornings when I get out of bed. I have called around and pretty much the same result. In home care ballpark $2300 a month. He needs skilled nursing. If that is not an option then assisted living would be next. I need to close for now, Thank you for being here.
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robertsnursery,

Sounds like mom is stressing you out, your marriage out and your children which is all understandable and more so with this virus. Maybe, it is time for her to live somewhere else?
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Rcvela, did I read correctly on your profile that Dad is 68? Wowsers. He sounds (in a bit worse) health than my sister (40s stroke, mobility, weight & other issues). When I hear "you do it for me". Like a red rag to a bull (I am not a patient person...) The answer is NOPE. Obviously if he can't, then someone must but it does not need to be YOU. Or your daughter!

That's why my sister now has a team of Aides. I am not the servant. When I choose to help it's because I want to, not because I have been told to. Breathe - rant over.

I guess it's a survival thing that kicks in for the dependant one. Would be embarrassing to ask for such personal help too. What would I do if I needed that much help? I'd move to AL or NH to not be a burden on my family. That's a thing my sister has said too, she does not want to be a burden. Of course she couldn't see that she was... but with kindness it was pointed out that her *care needs had exceeded what family could offer*. Her choices were get paid Aides in or move into care. Recken your Dad needs that talk too. (I'd have his bags packed already).
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Thinking of you Golden, take care of you.
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To everyone here. You're wonderful people. Dysfunctional and abusive parents don't realize how lucky they are to have adult kids like you. The siblings don't realize how lucky they are either to have people like you. The brothers and sisters are let off the hook and don't have to take any of the responsibility, although the never give up the job of criticizing and correcting you who get stuck with the caregiving. I have said many times before that the only way being a family caregiver can work out is if it's done on the caregiver's terms and no one else's including and especially the person who needs the care. In most of your situations the best thing to do would be find a different living situation for the person needing care and cut out the family members who have nothing good to say to you. A couple years ago my friend put her mother in a nursing home (they did not live together). She has never visited her and the other sister doesn't either. They are not wrong. Both of their parents were dysfunctional selfish, abusers who if not for family they both would have ended up wards of the state. When they were able to care for themselves they only cared for themselves. There's some guilt tripping by family members because they don't visit. Never from me though. So none of you should feel guilty if you need to put mom or dad or special needs sibling into a nursing home or other supervised assisted living. Don't be a martyr because take it from someone currently living in a abusive care situation. They would not be one for you.
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I have not posted much on the forum-a few times to share my experiences with my sister with LBD and my 95 year old parents. Dysfunction is a deep river that runs all through my family. 95 year old mother just recently told me her mother was physically and mentally abusive. I only met grand parents 1 time as a teenager-they lived away. Mom is not always accurate about her life- I do believe her childhood was not easy with her father's illness and her mother not interested in raising her 3 children-(my mother) . She frequently criticizes my father who got his PHd for chemical engineering and took care of my mother until about 6 years ago when he was diagnosed with parkinsons. Mom was furious dad could not do anything it was horrible to see and hear the way she treated dad. My mother has been mentally abusive to me not accepting my truth-telling me i should forgive X and what he did to me-it wasnt that bad....according to mom. Also, I should take care of them-this is why i was put on this earth. She promises jewelry, money and then never does or gives to someone else. She said to me this week, I know this week of my dad in the hospital and taking her there every day is hard work and that she knows i wish they were dead as a result. I have been stabbed in the heart many many times. I told my older brother I do not want any of her stuff and when I said that I suddenly felt free of her mental torture. I am sure she never says these horrible things to other lazy sibling who is now angry i am doing banking and medical care for both parents. Mom has horrible things to say about sis in nursing home and sis did this to herself.

i took a brief time out due to covid. I enjoyed being home with my family and having the time to clean and work on unfinished projects. all others including paid helpers abandoned parents -would not get groceries etc. Dad has a catheter and needs regular maintenance by dr. office-i had to do and had been doing for months before. I like doing things for dad he is helpless to defend for himself and his memory is awful-kind of a good thing-he can not remember what mom did or what caregivers did or did not do for him.

Primary care dr. has said due to mom falling 5 times in the last month they are not safe at home. mom reply was she cant leave her cats and books-nothing about dad-i feel dad would get better and consistent care in a facility.

I am doing the best I can. my hubby says i should cut off my parents period it has been way to much. we have decided to talk about dad only his progress at rehab etc. try to carry on as best we can.
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Hi All,

I have been meaning to check in for a while. I have lost two elaborate posts and now my share is narrowed down.

Golden, my heart and prayers go out to you so sorry to hear about your son's anniversary. You have been thought so much and your intergrity, goodness, honesty and wisdom is an inspiration.

Much more to say and much love and appreciation to the 3G's, Barb, Book for sharing and taking time to impart wisdom and perspectives and options and reality,

Also just plain old thanks to everyone in this forum.. My life has changed from engaging and reaching out.

Sharing and reading others pain and joy helps in many ways. Not to mention the feedback and honesty,

I lost a book so I will have to come back later and give update.

I am in a better place spiritull and will share some of the journey.

Good Night, sleep tight.

Rays of love and peace to us all.
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Good to hear from you, Duck!
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(((HUGS))) to everyone. I had shared a lot in a post that I lost. That was the book. But one thing that happened to me was a simple change in my perspective which took a load off my heart and spirit. I was a loaded gun. Then after this intervention, certain things didnt matter and I think the basis of the change was realizing that I had to let go and give my burdens to God. Lots of times I have to be in a bad place with overwhelming hurt and pain and saddnes in or to surrender any kind of control.

So this week on my days off I completed chores I had been working on for months. I got a lot accomplished and it felt good. I am going to ride this as hard and long as I can!

Good Night, Sleep Tight
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Thx Duck.

Hi to the newbies

I think some of us are still burnt out even though our LO has passed. Our burden of dysfunction is life long. For me a lot of it has been learning to take care of myself, and I am still growing in that area. Also I have learned not to expect "normal" behaviour from dysfunctional people nor, any more, to try very hard to understand why they are as they are and do as they do. Crazy is as crazy does.

Number one in care giving and dysfunctional families is look after yourself. It's really number one everywhere but some of us were trained to put others first at too big a cost to ourselves. It takes time to unlearn that.

Just rambling here. The pandemic has made some things harder. My heart goes out to those of you who are seriously affected by it. Love and ((((((hugs))))) to all. Stay safe! ❤❤❤
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