The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Thanks Joan - I will work on it - I thought I was doing pretty good - but really have been just trying to please her - as always - and for a while she was nice - but I am thinking now on it that it was a show - she wants to go home - and she knows she needs to be nice to people - but she can only do it for a short time....Honestly - it must be sad being in her skin...I don't ever remember her happy. and sharynmarie - the caregiver gave her the email as she doesn't speak very good English - and my mom doesn't really like her - the email wasn't really that bad - and mom misreads things - just picks out phrases but doesn't really get the gest of the tone of the note or letter. I don't blame her - she puts up with a lot from my mother....I will just be more careful. Maybe it was a blessing in disguise! Karen (sad1) which should be changed to mad1! LOL!

Oh, pleasing her! Yeah! Something else we were taught as children. Our needs were of no concern to anyone - the emotional ones anyway, and the narcissistic parents needs and wants dominated everyone's life. Mother can be charming too, for a while, to try to get what she wants. Eventually it breaks down. A couple of the nurses have told me how sweet she is. LOL. I could tell them a few stories! I agree is must be awful being in their skin. I would not wish it upon my worst enemy. I think the her getting the email was a blessing in disguise. The name mad1 sounds good to me. We take so much for so long! Take care

sad~Oh, I understand about the email now. emjo has given you very good info. It is very emotionally stressful to deal with a narcissistic parent. We try to be good daughters, see to their needs, spend time with them but it is hurtful when they degrade you. My mom always knew that something was different about herself which is part of the reason she is so sweet to people outside the family. Somehow she managed to foster friendships, usually with other women who had abusive husbands. She sees herself a victim but she is actually an instigator of the abuse within the family unit. She can't carry out discipline herself...so she put it on my father to discipline us kids. My dad was an alcoholic, but his discipline was fair. Not acceptable to my mother...she, being a perfectionist, couldn't handle the things that normal children do in order to learn boundaries and grow. She wanted severe punishment inflicted on us by my father...not herself.I know my mother is not comfortable in her own skin that is why she is so sweet to people outside the family. My mother picks out words and phrases too to suit her needs. Yes, check out the website emjo suggested, read about boundaries, detaching with love. Hugs to you!!

Thank you both so much! I have already checked out the website - and out of the 9 (you only need 5) statements do describe a narcissistic personality - my mom has all 9! Yikes - I am surprised I can function at all! LOL. sharynmarie - I am sorry about your dad...at least I had a great dad - a bit whipped - and distant - but he never disciplined me - my brother yes...but that is a whole other subject. We had a special father daughter bond that my mother was always jealous of. He had always called me KarKar - and she said a few years before he passed "has he always called you that - or is it just now annoying". She was always so wrapped up in her own world...Funny - I have said that she was a bit narcissistic before - but never really looked it up as how to deal with it- I can see where it is going to be very helpful! I just told my husband no wonder I get so annoyed with him when he points out what I didn't do....I have heard that my whole life. Thank you, thank you, thank you and hugs back!

Interesting. I looked at the DONM website, read a little, and decided my mother is definitely not narcissistic. And I never really thought she was. My mother tends to just make rash, crazy, impulsive, hurtful decisions without seeming to think of how it affects others (me). And once she has an idea in her head, she is off and running with it... its difficult to turn her aside. So she's dangerous to me when I'm vulnerable because I truly just don't know what she might do next. There's a lot of behavior/actions that are part of her personal repertoire that just defy common sense... hard to put it into words other than to say that. I'm going to keep thinking this over and try to gain some definition to what it is my mother is doing that I find so offensive and hurtful. When I wrote her the letter, I basically chalked it up to her lack of common sense and lack of ability to accomplish something without causing great emotional harm to me. ...I'll keep mulling this one over... it may be helpful if I can come up with an "-ism" that largely represents my mother's behavior.

Emjo, good luck today as you continue in Edmonton to sort out mother.

Thanks ABB - I am very tired right now. Didn't sleep well and all the stuff going on. I hate waiting for phone calls. Let's get on with it! No nervous Nelly here ;). If your mother is impulsive you may want to check out personality disorders. My mother's primary diagnosis is Borderline Personality Disorder. but she is also very narcissistic and now very paranoid. I know a few who have no idea how their actions affect other people, like my first husband. After some testing, a counsellor told me there was a "void" in his personality in that area and he doubted that he would ever be any different. His dad was like that too, One has to learn how to protect oneself. I don't think they can change - the leopard does not change its spots, so you are the one who has to change to improve your life. I don't know if my mother knows how she affects people, but most of the time she doesn't care because her agenda is more important to her than who anyone else feels.
Tonight I will have supper with a friend of 45+ years. She lost her oldest son, I lost my youngest. We have been through a lot together. Both her parents are gone now and her knowledge of caring for seniors is very helpful to me. God bless us in the midst of the trials. Keep on keeping on! (((((hugs)))))

Emjo, I laughed out loud when i read you wrote the letter and sent it. Then the next chapter said not to send it. Amazing how some people can continue to Refuse to see that they are responsible for hurting others. How your mother was able to turn the table and say how it was to help you.

Sorry, can't stay long. Running late for work.

Book if you knew the worst of what she has said and how she explained, your jaw would hit the floor and stay there. I find it almost funny now that she could explain away the emotional abuse so easily. It was not funny at the time.

No Joan, is not funny while it is happening. I can only laugh now as the years have gone by. My mother's PD is not as severe as your mother's PD. There are not clear cut definitions to describe a person with a PD. I think the overall theme though is...their need to be the center of attention and they are always right. I know people who have to be right, think their way is the only way to do things right but they are not narcissistic. They just want their legacy passed on to future generations within their family circle...maybe narcissistic...IDK???

It is hard to define personality disorders isn't it sharyn
Here is what the Mayo Clinic says

A personality disorder is a type of mental illness in which you have trouble perceiving and relating to situations and to people — including yourself. There are many specific types of personality disorders.
In general, having a personality disorder means you have a rigid and unhealthy pattern of thinking and behaving no matter what the situation. This leads to significant problems and limitations in relationships, social encounters, work and school.
In some cases, you may not realize that you have a personality disorder because your way of thinking and behaving seems natural to you, and you may blame others for the challenges you face.
Here is another one. Personality disorders are conditions in which an individual differs significantly from an average person, in terms of how they think, perceive, feel or relate to others. Changes in how a person feels and distorted beliefs about other people can lead to odd behaviour, which can be distressing and may upset others.

Well, the bad news and the good news--- one of the doctors called me and asked me questions and the short story is that according to their tests mother is borderline (there is that word again) as regards a closed unit and they want her to go back to her ALF!!! I asked "What about her behaviour???" I told him I was putting them on notice that I was holding them responsible for her welfare/safety in terms of the placement they make. The good news is that mother does not want to go back - in fact she won't. They asked her if she would agree to someone managing her meds and she said "No". They have given her something for her paranoia which is not working yet, of course, and I doubt she would continue taking it.. I saw her tonight and brought her an orchid. She was pleased to see me and told me the latest version of who was doing what to her. It gets more and more confused Now she said she gave her pin number to someone on the phone. I told her that I had been in contact with her bank to see what was happening. She does not know that her bank mail will now come to me etc. One step at a time. The family meeting is tomorrow at 10:30 and I will go there ahead of time and lay out my views before she joins us. I asked my cousin's son if he wanted to be there and he will try to make it. Apparently he has a situation at work right now which may get in the way. I appreciate his support in any case. I dropped my wallet in the cab on the way back from the hospital, and the cabbie, bless his soul. found it, followed me in to the hotel and returned it to me, I was on the phone to Gary and didn't notice. I should have given him a big tip for doing that, so called the cab company and said if he wants to drop by the hotel I will give him something, and to thank him very much for me. Had a nice supper with my friend other than being on the phone to the doctor most of the time. We had a long coffee after to make up for it. I called another friend and cancelled meeting with her tonight as I am fried, . As we all know, sometimes the options aren't great, but one may better than another, even though not ideal.
Keep us in your prayers for the meeting tomorrow. I hope I get some sleep tonight. Are we there yet???? No!!!!

"a rigid and unhealthy pattern of thinking and behaving no matter what the situation"

This struck home with me. There is such consistency over the years for my mother to create discord because of, what I just otherwise call, "her craziness." But its been going on my whole life.

Example: I got pretty ill March-May of this year, and since my symptoms included panic attacks, I'm pretty sure it was stress related. I'm friends with my neighbor lady and over past couple of years I've been in Chicago we often talk or do yard work together. My mom is not friends with the lady, but learning that I was, took it upon herself to speak with Liza (neighbor) and among other things told Liza that I took some drugs when I was out in California and now that's why I got so sick. I'm paraphrasing there because I don't know exactly what was said... but the thing is, my mom has said exact same idea to ME, and I've told her that she is way off base and that its hurtful that she views me as some drug user who has now messed myself up for life... and, its just NOT TRUE! Hard to know whether to laugh or cry with the kind of stuff she comes up with... But the fact that my mother would take this preposterous, untrue speculation of hers to MY friend, my neighbor, and then I get to hear back about it from Liza... its just hurtful. Definitely "par for course" from my mother.

The "rigid and unhealthy pattern" comes in because once my mother has an idea in her head - a completely unfounded idea, mind you (drug use, financial abuse) - she then runs away with it and acts out on her thinking in ways that do harm to me.

And I've TRIED telling her she's "way off base." I see the look on her face when I plead my case to her. Its like "nobody home." She DOESN'T GET IT. She backpedals a little, gives me her reason why she thinks what she did is just fine, and thats the end of it. And then I am just left waiting for the next episode...

I find as I'm sitting here typing, I'm pretty angry with my mother. I'm just so sick of her being so crazy and hurtful all through my life. And she does get me with the guilt by saying she wishes we (her and I) had a closer relationship. But the woman's just nuts! I just don't know how to deal with her.

So thanks, emjo, and others, because this idea of "personality disorder" may be closest I can come to, for now, in defining what it is about my mother I find so hurtful.

Joan~I feel for you right now. The difference again between our situations is your mother does not have Alz. At least with my mother (I say this with a heavy heart...) she was going to progress to a point where legally sis and I could step in and take over. Take care and let us know how tomorrow goes!

Have a good night everyone and hopefully tomorrow will bring peace to your weary minds and souls!!

(((((hugs)))) ABB ur welcome. I have had stories told about me too, to friends of mine,by my sis and my mother, and they have followed up on ideas they had about me that were totally unfounded, and which were hurtful and just plain nasty. Thankfully my friends knew me better than to believe them, but it still hurt.

I do expect your illness is/was stress related. How do we survive all the stress?

"nobody is home" - I understand. During one prolonged episode where my mother went off the deep end ranting and raving all summer about something I supposedly had done I very systematically over a period of time tried every response to her that I could imagine, from agreeing with her, to being logical, to responding to her as she was acting and so on. Nothing penetrated - I was amazed. Absolutely no difference in how she acted towards me no matter how I responded to her. She had a bee - a whole hive I would say - in her bonnet and nothing, but nothing, would dislodge it. That is distinctly abnormal.

I have found that there is really little point in explaining myself. A few years ago when the candida infection was raging systemic and I was quite sick I explained this to her and that she could not expect me to help her, and as she had people here in her city to help her she would be OK. I think it sank in on one occasion when she suggested she could handle things this way rather than that as I was not well. After that she forgot all about it and went on merrily creating crises and expecting me to fix them for her, then berating me when I didn't or even when I tried to help. I have come to the conclusion that protecting self is what I have to do first.

ABB a loving close healthy relationship with your mother as she is, is impossible IMO. She is pushing your guilt buttons. Of course you don't know how to relate to her - you are normal and she is not, and not capable of a close relationship. Let go of the guilt. You have done nothing to earn it.

I am glad for you that the anger is coming out. For me that was part of the healing. Identifying the "ism" or whatever that applies to your mother is identifying the problem and that is good, Acknowledging your feelings is also good - very good. Healing is a long journey and I doubt we ever complete it, but we do make progress. Thanks for sharing, (((((((hugs))))))

Thanks sharyn. My cousin's son was remarking how well mother was off except for her crazy ideas. She has a beautiful apartment, great health, and she looks wonderful. She got a light perm, and it looks so cute on her - I haven't seen her look this well in years. She has wonderful colour in her skin.. Of course she is getting tons of attention. The psych docs don't seem to have picked up on the narcissism or really on the main traits of BPD -fear of abandonment for one, or how the combination of paranoia and the BPD play off against one another.- sigh...
More and more I realise I cannot keep doing this. Her acting out is getting worse - riskier for her and more draining for me and there looks to be no end in sight.
This message I have to get across to the docs tomorrow. It is sayonara to stress time for me. nite all and blessings on your for the support you give,

Amazing, my mother has a PD but no one seems to know about it but me. Even when I was very young she would committ to things and then worry herself to death about it. I would have to deal with it for her. Everyone always thinks she is so sweet. When she gets something on her mind I better do it. The more I read about everyone else the more I see in our Family. Ha! Last night my poor husband had a fight with his brain? He had a brain injury 2000, then another in 2010. The first caused mostly pain in part of his face from nerve damage. The injury from 2010 has caused short term memory lose. Last night he started talking crazy, saying our grandchildren were out in the yard. Where did they go? They are twins and almost 2, the 31st of July. (They were at home) He also started talking about our other grandson that is 13, telling me he was fighting bees, wasps and everything with him? (He is in Texas for a month with his sister) Oh my, I didn't sleep last night wondering what is going on! We'll see what happens today. He is paranoid latey about a few things. Thank GOD my Mother is in her same mind! The PD mind that she has always had. GOD bless you all. Love & prayers to all Caregivers.

Hi college - I was in the same boat - it took 95 years for docs to diagnose it in mother, and even now they don't seem to take it into consideration or even recognise that it is affecting her behaviour. I am so sorry about your husband, It sounds like something is happening and he needs an eval. Can you get him to his dr. Be sure you document these behaviours and the paranoia so you can pass it on to the drs. You sure have your hands full. But how blessed you are, have twin grandbabies of two and more!!!.
Prayers greatly appreciated today. I will ask the drs to explain to me why they think returning mother to an ALF, from which she fled twice in less than a week, and says she will not return to, is a good move. I don't get it! Have a good day everyone.

This morning my husband was fine again. We talked about his problems yesterday and he doesn't remember any of it. He hates to memory lost part of this stuff and now this. I think he was dehydrated a little bit yesterday. But I called the doctors and they will call me back with the plan. He also had a headache yesterday. Yes we are very blessed with 8 grand children and two great grandchildren. Also I have two big babies, my husband and my Momma.
Hang in there and GOD bless!

College~I am so sorry about your husband. I hope the dr. has a care plan to help him if he continues to have hallucinations/delusions...I don't know what else to call it from your description. I must be very hard on you and him. Hugs!!

Joan~I hope you can get the message across to the dr.s today. Yes it is draining on you and the risky behavior your mother puts her in danger. I have to agree with you that dr.'s tend to not take the concerns of the family very seriously when the patient is not consider mentally incapacitate. Mom's dr. didn't put mom on an antidepressant until she started harassing people outside the family. I think it may be due to the laws and dr.'s are going to protect a patients civil rights until they are diagnosed incapacitated. As you know, sis and I went through that last year and her attorney politely but FIRMLY, dismissed us saying until we had a diagnosis from a dr. stating she was incapacitated, he would not help us regarding her finances. I still think your situation is harder to deal with, however your mother is putting herself in danger by being a flight risk. you would think they would consider that as her not being able to make decisions for her own best interest. Maybe you can insist on a pysch evaluation...IDK if medication therapy would help to stabilize her or not. All my moms dr. suggested regarding her PD was that we take her to a psychiatrist. I can't help but think that he probably thought I was just a bitter daughter because I didn't get what I wanted as a child, LOL!! Mom is very good at being a sweet little lady with other people. I know I am rambling here but just want to add that since my mom has not been diagnosed with a PD...sis and I disagree about it. Sis is convinced mom is full blown schizophrenic. You are in my thoughts today, a big HUG for you...gotta get the painting done today!!

Joan, I am praying that things work out the best.

Ever since my mother was in the hospital a couple of weeks ago, she has stopped talking to her husband and his helper. When asked why, she says that she has nothing more to say to them. However, she will talk to the nursing home staff and some with me. She's been spending more and more time asleep or just keeping her eyes closed.

Her kidney stone did not pass. Therefore, they are doing surgery on it this coming Monday am, very, very early.

My take on the above is that my mother's dementia is getting worse for she does not even remember being in the hospital which she was in for a little over a week.

Hugs, prayers and love for all.

Joan I am so sorry you Mom is acting out again and really hope things get straighted out soon-this site was so much help to me realizing my Mom was narcissic-and that help a lot the last few weeks with her out in LA I was able to take my power back-I said to myself so she is mad once again -too bad she can not hurt me anymore

Emjo - I have been reading all day about Narcissistic disorder - and I am completely in shock - Thank you for recommending it. I feel like someone was in my brain writing all this...I am full of emotions - from validated to really angry. Then - after months of my mother complaining about a bad tooth - got it all set up for her to get it pulled - and they want her in early due to the chance of bleeding - I had to arrange with the cardiologist, her primary, oral surgeon and the assisted living place - all from 3 hours away. Then my mother informed the caregiver that she won't go as it is to early in the morning - she refuses unless it is after 10 am. Of course - after reading all what I have been - and pretty dang tired of being bullied for the last 57 years - I told the caregiver that was fine - I will cancel the appointment and she can just go when she is in a great deal of pain. That was the time they have - and I am not changing it. Now - I know how that sounds - but...she ALWAYS has something wrong with her - and I have felt all along that she has made this worse than it really is. At this point - not sure how to handle this. Some advise would be very much appreciated. I don't want to go overboard...Thanks!

SAD~What you you did is setting boundaries. Good for you!! Your mother will have to come around. You have to stand you ground with her to make the point.It is similar to dealing with a child that is having a tantrum.Your mother is not going to deal with pain for the long term. Hang in there, Hugs to you!

Going to update you all on my day then respond to the posts. I am very tired, but part of that is that I walked about 36 city blocks -good way to let off steam and save cab money, but my feet are sore and I have at least one good blister. I have to say I enjoyed it though.

I told them they were responsible for her welfare and they said she is competent, so responsible for herself. I said her behaviour does not indicate that. They said the tests indicate that she is. Yesterday the geriatric doc said borderline. I said I was very close to being done with handling the crises. I told them a little about the family and that I had been handling crises for 70 years and needed no more. The psychiatrist heard me, thanked me for being candid and said I did not have to attend the meeting. I did not go into the main meeting, but went with the team to her bedroom after when they explained the details to her. They have convinced her to go back to her ALF, though she really doesn't want to.. They have gotten her to agree to have her meds bubble packed and given her by a care worker. They are trying to ensure that she takes the meds for paranoia - an anti-psychotic med. She is not happy that someone is handling her meds and I expect trouble there. She is happy that a neurogeriatric team will follow up and visit her periodically. She now says she wants to go to a certain other ALF and they have agreed, and will put her there at the next level of care up from where she is now, but not a secure unit. It will take some time before the processing is done and a place is available for her as there are wait lists. Her stories get more and more mixed up and her paranoia is very present. The psych remarked about her anger - I said all her life.
I went to her ALF to check on the money she withdrew, as she said she had put it in a certain place and there was only $50 there, so I expect accusations against the ALF for theft. She already says they are stealing money from her account. My sis said she took out $2000, mother thinks she took out $500 but she wasn't sure. Only the bank statement will tell. Her computer is working, but is old (1996) so I bought her a new one and will set it up tomorrow. Email is the main thing. She is having some trouble with making phone calls from the sound of it, and of course thinks the ALF is blocking her calls.
I have very little confidence that she will stay quiet till the move is ready. It will take a couple of weeks for the meds to kick in, I believe, and lots can happen in that time. She could refuse to take those meds, fight with the care giver who is giving it to her and so on, and have another crisis thinking they are going to do this or that to her. I told the doctors to tell her she is not, at present, qualified for a nursing home so the ALF cannot send her to one. That did not help much, so I told her I had papers from the lawyer (the directive) and that I would tell the ALF director that he cannot send her anywhere without my permission. She felt better about that. One other thing we need to accomplish is to find her a doctor though if she doesn't feel well she says she will go to the ER in the hospital she is in. She seems to trust them. She is so paranoid that she thinks the government is controlling most of the doctors so they are not safe for her as they will send her to a nursing home.
Her financial advisor emailed me and suggested that we set up her trusts and account jointly with me and with Right of Survivorship. That might be enough for now as I would have access to her accounts to keep an eye on them. On the other hand with EPA I can limit how much she withdraws which may be necessary.
I suspect she will continue to decline as regards her memory and her judgement at least, and her paranoia will increase. The psychiatrist said there was nothing they could do for the BPD - it was too ingrained and in any case there wasn't much known to be successful.

I am glad we are past this day even if the outcome is not what I think is best. I have yet to deal with her knowing I have enacted the EPA. Not quite sure how to proceed with that or if I should stall if for now and try to get the joint accounts set up. That may be the better thing to do right away. I will talk to the bank gal about it and inform the lawyer that mother has been deemed competent. Tomorrow I will set up her new computer, visit mother in the hospital, and meet a girlfriend for supper. G will be in town on business tomorrow and Friday which will take up most of his time but we should be able to get together in the evening. I postponed my trip home till Friday and 2nd son will pick me up at the airport in the evening. The
n breathe deep, wash clothes and get ready to go to Montreal on Monday!!! I am pleased that I can handle it.

College - glad your husband was fine this morning and also that the docs are attending to it. Wow, lots of grandbabies and some greats!!! Awesome,

sharyn, unfortunately you are right. Mother was only diagnosed with BPD when the senior nanny we had hired broke down in hospital. I remember the episode you had with the lawyer. Mother can be sweet too, but it doesn't last. The psych said it was to late for her for the BPD you and your sis disagree - my sis has not accepted the diagnosis "After all, she is 100 yrs old" as if that explains everything. How did your painting go? You have been working on this project for quite a while.
cmag -thanks for prayers -all prayers very gratefully received. It does sound like your mum is declining. Oh boy another surgery!!! It has to be hard on her physically.
thx Austin - it is not fun, is it? But I am working with it and doing what I can the the chips will fall where they may. I can only do so much. I fully expect a blast from my sister and my mother at some time, and let me tell you they are going to hear back from me in no uncertain terms!
sad1 - isn't the affirmation wonderful" It does bring up a bunch of emotions. It is good to get the anger out to the surface. You can use the energy in dealing with your mum. My mum pulled a fast one when she was having her hip repaired. I saw it coming an ducked out. At the time she has a nurse who was helping her out and she didn't need me, but she wanted an entourage - you know - the queen thing. They have absolutely no concern for how they waste other people's time and energy.. You did the right thing. As sharyn said you drew a boundary, and that is one of the keys to dealing with a narcissist/personality disorder as they have no boundaries. As sharyn says - hold your ground, keep the boundary firm. decide what you will and won't do and stick to it. It doesn't matter how it lokos to other people or what they say. Anyone who has dealt with your mum or someone like her understand. Others don't but that's OK.
Alison - h0ow are you doing? thinking about you.
sunny - take care
Margeaux -where are you?
everyone - love, hugs, and prayers - have a good night Joan

Joan, first let me say "whew!" you are right in the middle of tackling multiple issues regarding your mom, aren't you? What is EPA (I'm guessing NOT the Environmental Protection Agency, lol! I do realize you're Canadian, they must have different terminology there for some things?) and who is G, to you, if you don't mind my asking... And CONGRATS on "handling it"! Wasn't sure if you meant the trip you're on currently or one pending to Montreal... congrats on ALL of it, lol!

Congrats to all of us, while I'm at it, for "handling it." I have a lot of respect and admiration for caregivers, and caregivers to dysfunctional should win a super special award, lol.

Sharynmarie, emjo, I see both of you are dealing with situations where your elderly is not deemed incompetent. I've been mulling over my father's situation for the past few days and have decided its time to proceed with... hopefully... getting him deemed incompetent so my brother can become guardian.

But I realize after reading your posts that this is not a guaranteed outcome by any stretch. I won't borrow tomorrow's troubles and I won't speculate on whether or not a physician will or won't deem my father incompetent, but certainly any advice either of you have about HOW to get doctors to deem incompetency... well, that would be appreciated.

My dad is certainly a super low functioning human being at this point. He doesn't leave his room, I provide all his food, he forgets to take his medications on a daily basis, he is easily confused about anything and everything...

And yet, sharynmarie, I could really identify when you said that your mother could be quite charming when she wants to be. This is how my father is. He is so "on" for his medical appointments... its bizarre to me, really... I've been taking him to weekly medical appointments for a year now and he is flat out combative and hateful to me the majority of the time... but get him in front of some doctors and nurses and he's just full of jokes and goodwill...

Its frustrating to be sure. But like I said, I won't predict an outcome. I'll just make a new appointment for assessment and do my best... like I always do these days, lol... Just gotta roll with the punches, no matter what.

Take care all, see you here again tomorrow.

Joan~I agree with Alison...You are doing wonderfully considering the circumstances and big HUGS to you!! Your mom may not be incompetent at this point in time but it does should like she is struggling to hang on and it will be a matter of time. I know it is hard to hear your parent in incompetent, I struggled with that term when my dad was determined to be so and then my mom as well. Unfortunately, it does make some things easier once you have authority to make decision for a parent. Hopefully with the teams reassurances and yours as well, your mother will comply with the caregivers in taking the medication. That is the biggest problem with treating PD's... their thinking is so ingrained and even though from what I have read about it saying they get better as they get older????Not in my experience or in yours.

I finished painting the room, WHOO HOO, YAY!!! It has been a project in process for over a year now. The horizontal paint lines are still there but about 80% better. I just don't want to spend anymore time trying to sand them down....I even used rubbing alcohol on them to soften and dissolve old paint then scrapped with a putty knife.

You are making progress Joan, though not as fast as you would like, but it will all come together eventually and your worries will be less and your mother will be safer. Take care and get rested, Hugs!!

Alison~My mother is in a memory care unit at a senior living community. It was quite a process last year as she continued to decline mentally. Mom refused to take Namenda or Aricept and the result was she declined rather quickly in 3 years. Due to her mental decline, we were finally able to get her in to see a neurologist (she refused to go when she was able to understand what the appointment was for). The neurologist did a memory test, ordered a cat scan on her brain and blood work to rule out other causes of memory issues. After all the results were in, he said she could not make decisions for herself anymore. We started mom on Namenda shortly after the diagnosis. Once we had the diagnosis in writing we went to mom's elder law attorney and he worked with us getting her financial affairs under my sisters care. We then had authority to make all medical and financial decisions for mom and we moved her in to assisted living for about 6 weeks until an apartment was available in the memory care unit. Since January of this year, I took control of mom's medication, giving it to her daily since she could not handle that part of her life anymore. We were very blessed that my mom had a couple of lady friends she trusted and they helped us in making sure her bills were paid,etc until we could officially take over.Yes, last year was very stressful as we had to wait and watch as she declined before we could legally take over (DPOA was written so we could not take control until she was diagnosed incompetent). Hang in there Alison, sometimes we have to wait and see in addition to going to the dr. several times before things are diagnosed and getting them on the right medication to help them. Big HUGS to you as you journey through this!!

We were at the hospital all day doing the tests for stroke, brain scan, heart enzymes, etc. Nothing yet, everything is good! More tests ordered. Will let you all know what happens next. Momma loves my husband so she is being so good. My daughter with the twins watched her today. Love to all, I'm exausted. Joan I'm praying for all to go well with your Momma's operation Monday.

Hi - So - as I am new to this - NPD and eldercare - and I know we all have some pretty amazing stories...I laugh when someone tells me their mother is difficult - I (unfortunately usually win the prize for the worst) - but not here - I finally feel like someone really understands - and I am really so thankful! So - in a nutshell (hahaha pun intended) my mother had a frontal lobe stroke last September and was deemed incompetent as it affects speech (aphasic), short term memory and decision making - so she was placed in an assisted living. she probably could go home if she didn't fire everyone trying to help her - and she is nice and funny - when she wants something. For history - she has drank quite a bit as far back as I can remember - and I always blamed her behavior on that...and for the life of me couldn't understand why she was the same - other than the stroke - as she isn't drinking anymore. Now I know!

so her latest drama is the dental appointment that she made me make for her is to early - now she has totally refusing to go due to the time being to early. I didn't give her a choice - and so tomorrow morning canceling it. She turned another situation around and told the caregiver that it didn't matter if she went or not as I would be mad at her no matter what. wow! Ok . So - getting blamed again for her decisions - and I am so thankful that you are all here and understand. I am going to take a break for a few weeks and not see her - see if that helps or hurts the situation, and in the mean time - continue reading on the Narcissistic mother. This is all bringing up stuff from my high school years! Yikes! Thanks again and hugs to all!