The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

My Step Mom passed away in May and My Dad and I sold our houses and I both a bigger one for him to live with me. He was driving and fine when we moved in to the house In August.

October he fell in yard broke 5 ribs pierced a lung went to 24 nursing rehab. He began to hallucinate and do strange things. He came home November 25th fell the 26th and broke his shoulder back to rehab.

He has lost 70Lbs since May and the doctors don't seem to think it is an issue he was 275. He was on about 14 medicines and I got him into hospital on a 72 hour hold and they reduced all meds down to three in November so I don't think it is due to prescriptions and he does not have a UTI.

He has been home since Christmas ever. When the OT and PT come he is charming does all his exercises etc. When they leave and I get done with work he is confused and demanding.

He won't get out of his chair etc. I have been working around the clock between his care and my work.

My bloodpressure is off the charts and I am falling apart. I cant sleep. I have to call lift assist a fe times a week and he refuses to go to asisted living or even talk about solutions.

This is my responsibility he keeps telling me.

Now the OT is telling me he is able to get up when he falls but cognitively he can't get his legs to move and gets confused and frustrated.

I have a neurologist appointment and one of the nurses sent me a link for sundowners. She said the neurologist can give answers but not solutions.

I have held the hands of many of my family as they died of cancer. And a great aunt with dementia who was in a care facility. It is just he and I. He told me to quit my job if it is stressing me out. I have been with my company for 28 years and love my job I just cannot keep up this pace any longer.

I have no experience with this and truly am at my wit's end.

Any advice or tools would be greatly appreciated

Deb,

I read your post and it broke my heart. I can relate.

I was struggling so horribly with high blood pressure that my doctor sent me for heart tests.

Stress can really take a toll on us.
You are not going to be able to keep up this pace.

Your dad is most likely not going to understand and I realize how frustrating that is.

Your decisions regarding caring for your dad are going to have to be made with YOU in mind. Your LIFE is depending on it.

My doctor warned me that I was heading for a heart attack or stroke. You don’t want either of those!

Continual high blood pressure is a serious health concern.

This is working for either of you. Dad needs more care than you can give him.

Find a social worker. Make a plan. Either you or the social worker will have to tell dad, not ask him, but tell him of the necessary changes that must be made in your lives.

Sorry for the loss of your stepmom. I wish your dad had better health. This is very difficult for both of you.

I know that you love your dad and had the best of intentions to care for him.

The truth is that none of us ever knew how incredibly hard it was going to be.

Don’t stay trapped! So not worth it! Do not repeat my mistakes. I had mom for 15 years in my home and it nearly killed me.

Please nip this in the bud now.

Take care. Best wishes to you and your dad.

Keep us posted. We care.

Golden, https://www.google.com/url?sa=t&rct=j&q=&esrc=s&source=web&cd=&ved=2ahUKEwjL9NPfud3uAhVFvJ4KHQrGBioQFjAAegQIBhAC&url=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.nia.nih.gov%2Fnews%2Flarge-study-links-gum-disease-dementia&usg=AOvVaw0SAuCiVzUJ1LIFSu8hWspQ

hello everyone, yes we are enjoying the monthly dinners and card/ board games. The boys are doing really well, they are in kindergarten from 9-3:30 M-F. E has speech on Friday which my hubs takes him to before school starts. He tell gramps, you are driving too slow or too fast because he can read and understand the speed limit signs, lol! L is doing great, he is still very easily bored and gets into things we don’t want him into. I don’t know if I shared about him getting into my craft paints last summer and he painted his naked body, his brother, and got paint all over the carpet and walls. I was not a happy camper when I walked in the front door. I blamed my hubs, he was sleeping on the couch, lol!
The kittens are 6 months old, still very playful and follow me everywhere. They do try and succeed at getting out the slider door to the backyard. I am going to figure out something for them once the weather gets better for them to be outside Enclosed and safe. Hokus loves to nibble on toes and fingers much to our Golden’s dislike, but he will just push him away with his paw. Pokus loves to rub against my slippers, especially the toe, then he will literally just fall over in front of my feet making it hard to not step on him. They love open windows and today is great for that with 45 degrees and no wind. I open a window in a back bedroom and they love the cool air.

l’ve been going to a chiropractor/pain center. I paid out of pocket (insurance won’t cover), for 5 appointments including exercises for stretching the hamstrings, quads, and hips in addition to core exercises. Friday is my last appointment and I’m doing so much better. I still have pain once I go to bed but I’m going to do the stretching before bed to see if that helps.

have a nice week, if possible buy yourselves a treat for Valentines Day❤️❤️❤️

DebsKelly - DO NOT QUIT YOUR JOB

Your job is your lifeline. Your job is your livelihood. Your job is your break away from caregiving. Your job is what keeps you sane. Your job is your source of socialization. If you quit your job, you will be out of the workforce, and once your dad dies, it will be very hard to get another job, especially now with so many people out of work.

Why are you stressed now? You're stressed due to the job of taking care of your disabled dad. It is killing you. You are taking care of your dad part of the day right now, and do you think doing it 24/7 is going to give you less stress? NO. It will be even worse.

Your dad has no right to demand that you give up your life. That is very selfish of him.

Talk to a social worker at the hospital to see if he can be placed in rehab and then a long term care facility. He needs care around the clock. You can't do that without killing yourself literally.

Sell the house and buy a smaller one, use the money that would have been the proceeds from the sale of your dad's home to pay for his care.

Golden,

My therapist has been of no help. My wife is showing a bit more interest in life by actually going to her PT and doing the exercises plus using the ice pack some. She's taking up a water colouring course at the senior centre, all of which are good. Until the PT gets around to fixing her walking and getting her intro strength training, she has a long ways to go to be up to worldwide travel that she wants to do.

I've discovered some leaks in my CPAP mask and have replaced it. It's good to be sleeping better. I continue to find that sleeping with a bolster pillow keeps me from falling out of bed at night.

Yoda - I'm just curious. How do you fall out of bed at night? .😀

Polarbear,

Evidently, I just roll out of bed and land on my left side which is the side that I sleep on, on the right side of the bed.

Now, I'm more careful to get completely in the bed plus using the very long pillow between my knees and hugged up to my chest, somehow keeps me from falling out of bed.

Why? Were you thinking that maybe my wife had been kicking me out of bed?

Well, I fell out of the bed one night when my sister in law was staying with me in another bedroom after her sister's knee replacement surgery. I was in my room in our big queen-sized bed and yet fell out of the bed very early one morning. Debra had no idea what had happened nor what to do until I got up off of the floor and could tell her I was ok.

Yoda, I didn't think your wife pushed you out of bed. Haha. I thought you must have a very narrow bed or sleep on the very edge of it so that when you roll to your side you fall off the bed.

Polarbear,

Starting last Friday, I've been sleeping too much and still feel tired once I get up which are for short times. I've only exercised twice and that without much energy. I've checked my blood sugar and it is fine, I'm going to contact my doctor about this.

I rejoice to report that after being very tired since last Friday and sleeping a whole lot, I woke up today finally refreshed.

I must have needed this much extra sleep to make up for not sleeping all that well due to my CPAP mask leaking a lot of air.

I changed masks on Monday and have been sleeping better, but more ever since. Even my Provigil, wake up medicine did not keep me awake. Provigil sure works much better than Nuvigil.

My wife gave me the most endearing Valentine's card, but still no physical contact. She claimes she is past all of that now that she's 65 as well as now, 66. What a bummer outlook on life. There is a verse in I Corinthians 7:5 about such an outlook between husbands and wives.

I understand that her sister is the same way with her husband, but I couldn't blame her. If I were a woman, I could not stay married to the man and I would have never married the looser, to begin with.

Now, I can get various needed jobs done.

Notry I am glad you are feeling better! Those that need the CPAP really need it! I was worried at first you were depressed ( and who among us is not? ) but so glad it appears to be improving. I know when I am depressed I don;t want to do anything..

pamzimmrrt,

Thanks. I informed my wife that it has been over a year since we did any kissing and hugging. She said that she was not aware of that and then went into her list of health problems plus she stays up late, like 3 am, and sleeps late, like 12) pm, but I go to bed around 11 and often am up by 6 am. I said that my solution is that we need to make an appointment for our times together when we are both wide awake. She liked that idea. My therapist told me that I'd likely need to make an appointment with her. Making an appointment is the next step.

Hi everyone, just checking in. I am not caught up. I have a lot to vent. I am in kind of frozen state. I have a lot to share but right now I am just stuck.

Deb, my heart goes out to you. The blood pressure is not to be played with. Even with meds my pressure will shoot up and take forever to level out. Stress can kill you.

Also Deb, Polar Bear was right on point in her comments. My job is a relieft from the sadness of my living environment. Its my escape. By no means should you quit your job.

Golden, good to hear from you, the drama continues and is going to get worse as repairs are made and getting homecare.

Sharyn, good to hear from you and the news was inspiring.

Good night.

Rays of love and peace to us all.

NoTryDoYoda, hopefully the therapist will be able to help you with your wife. Does your wife go with you to the therapist? Making an appointment with your wife sounds like an excellent idea.

elaine 1962,

Thanks and no, she does not go with me to see my therapist. I've told him things about my childhood that she does not need to hear. I appreciate his idea of making an appointment.

Well, that didn't take long to change. After I went to bed at around 10, she came into the room and asked if I would like an appointment. Excellent, I didn't even have to get out or quote I Corinthians 7:5 earlier about married couples not stopping being romantic except for prayer lest either fall into temptation. I Cor. 7:4 goes a bit further than that, but I had forgotten that verse. How nice of a change this was tonight. I think many would be surprised at the practical marital advice in these two verses. She sure dealt with that concern quickly! I appreciate that.

Yoda - "appointment" sounds like work or a chore. How about calling it a "date?"

I'm happy to read the positive improvements in your wife.

Update on dysfunctional family. TS2 has been reaching out and remembered my bday, first time in ten years! I started caring for mom in 2011, hard to believe.

Talked to AD (auntie dearest) yesterday. She invited me to the lake this summer, as she has done the past few years. I have not gone, DID NOT want to spend any time with TS1 and she always goes. You might remember two years ago DD1 went with both twisteds. That really hurt.

Told AD that I would not go if TS1 was also going, I do not want to spend any time with her, still, at all. AD told TS1 last year that she did not want her to come at the same time as everyone else. AD wants her there when nobody else is there. Turns out ts1's behaviors are completely wacky.

AD had Norway visitors, family, two years ago. AD was completely embarrassed by TS1. She made almost all conversations into political arguments. How terribly inappropriate! TS1 is a very left, strongly opinionated person. Doesn't understand facts, just emotion is all she can spew. Everything becomes a political argument. It really is very odd. For starters she is quite the narcissist, and is the main reason all of the legal wrangling while I cared for mom and after she passed away.

Don't know about Minnesota though. DD1 can be a problem too.

Yoda, glad the appointment idea worked out.

Glad, nice to see you posting. Follow your heart. As it is for me, I try to avoid placing myself in a position to be hurt or irritated, by phone or in person.

Besides the drama of the guardianship. I am learning that my sister and nephew kept more than half of my mother's money that was in account to be turned over to the guardianship. Because my nephew's name was on account they had to close it and give a cashiers check. During the hearing she reported the check to be a whole lot less than half of what was acutely in my mothers accounts.

I just received statements from the bank mailed to the house I am guessing because the accounts were closed out and it was my mothers address. My nephew had the mail coming to his apartment.

So I have been in a funk, just trying to accept and process all of what has been happening. It breaks my heart and soul to see how twisted and N abused my mothers honor by neglecting her needs and now taking much more than half of her account.

The guardianship caseworker asked me to do her a favor and pay half the bills. I refused to do so stating as long as my sister and nephew has access to my mothers accounts they will use her money to pay my sisters part of the bills. during hearing it was noted that twisted was paying half the bill and I wasnt, this was because they have taken over half of my mothers money. She would otherwise be struggling to pay anything. She couldnt even keep up with her cable bill it was always behind. Now all the mail goes to my nephew except the cable which he pays for my mother and sister.

Meanwhile, it breaks my heart and has drained me emotionally to clean up the messes and make poioson to keep the rodents in check. Thank goodness I have not had anymore sightings but I put out my peanut butter poison mixed with draino, it sits for a few days and then its gone. I replace it knowing that a next one will find its way there. I am too afraid to go in basement.

Now learning of this fraudulent money business, I am trying to hang in untill the guardianship get to work with repairs and removing dead appliances and get to the possible entryway of the mice and rats.

As much as I try to front, I was traumatized and spooked with rodent issue. By the time I learned of hearing which was the day right before the hearing I was so empty and weak, I was crying and weening and I knew I had to find a way to process it all. I had to take a break from my mother. I havent done any work since the week of the 28th. So the chores are backed up. The floors are dirty the bathroom is a mess and each week I am off after I feed and do damage control of her new mess I have nothing left.

Meanwhile I am a witness to the regular neglect of my mother by my sister. Its only when my nephew comes that the MacDonald coffee cups of two weeks that i line up refusing to touch them. If they bring her something sometimes I find it mushed up in a cup or packed in a sock. This week I was amazed at how much stuff my mother squeezed in one diabetic sock.

I am dreading this clean up situation, they are also going through the two large rooms on the parlor floor. I was hoping to retrieve a sapphire and diamond ring I gave my mother. And possibly guard for hidden money or valuables but now I dont care. There not much fight left in me.

On top of the hip pain and I still get the flashes of light in corner of my right eye especially when stressed. I started smoking more and more since last year when I had surgery and now its worse so I am now on welbutrin to stop smoking. They say it takes about a week but first day I had no desire and now I down but not significantly. Not to mention cocking my tail more than ususal when I am off.
I have started having a smoke when I am downstairs as well as a drink once the food is prepared and my mother is eating and I have packaged what I am going to take upstairs

I pray for rays of healing and love for us all.

Thanks, Duck. It is hard at times for me to speak up for myself, but I had reached a point where I had to.

I am so sorry for the horrible situation you are having to bear with and be in the middle of. I agree I would not pay a single bill for they have your mother's money.

You are in my prayers.

sharyn - those grandbabies are growing. Bigger kids, bigger mischief!!! The kitties are being themselves = trouble some times. Mine will be 2 years old in May. Hard to believe. Glad your pain is better. Hope the exercises continue to work.

Yoda - sounds like things are improving.

glad - dysfunction is the gift that keeps giving. I am so glad I don't have extended family to deal with. What my kids are going through is enough.

duck - as always look after yourself. I would hope that the guardian could see the money issue. It will be great to get some repairs done.

Just recovering from a "lightning bug" meaning one that hit like lightning and passed as quickly, but leaves some additional fatigue. Could have been worse. My granddaughter is all agog about her graduation coming up. Of course it is likely there will be no ceremonies or prom other than virtual ones, but the girls are out buying their dresses. I said I would get her her prom dress and yesterday she bought it. I am very pleased with her choice. It is a garnet red, long, simple and elegant. The colour is great on her. She is a tall, well built girl and carries it very well. The next step will be getting professional photos done.

Good news for my son who lost his job due to the economic changes - his gal got a new job some months ago and was temporary. Recently she was promoted to permanent with benefits etc. I am so happy for them. He has been diagnosed with adult onset diabetes, is on metformin, losing weight, and keeping his blood sugar down with diet and exercise. We have chats about glycemic indexes etc.

Take care all. Keep your sanity in these difficult times. 😜

So here we go with Sharyn vent,lol! So be ware.....


I need to vent and I’m at my wits end. You can ignore me I don’t care, I just need to get some things off my chest.

as I have posted in the past, my hubs does want to spend money on decent food since his stroke in 2013. He is fine with canned chili beans, hot dogs, frozen pot pies. I don’t mind this a couple times a month. I’ve tried every reasonable means of communication with him but it only works as a short term solution since he controls the most part of out money.

I decided I am cancelling my long term health care policy and the very limited health insurance that I have been paying for. I believe I have paid my dues to my marriage and while I DO NOT EXPECT MY HUSBAND to be my savior, I do believe we need to be cohesive. While that will never happen in my life time, I have given up on the idea of being a United couple.

I am cancelling my LTC policy and very limited Health insurance policy all of which I am paying for out of my very limited social security. This will allow me to be able to pay for healthy food, I’m not talking about organic food, just normal food. He can continue to eat as he pleases and I can eat food I see as healthy.

many of you may not agree with my choices, my health is important to me and while I have sacrificed more than enough over 40 years, I’m just not going to sacrifice decent food to eat pot pies and chili dogs.

I must add that I have sacrificed too much of myself to the point that I have lost who I am. I’m just not willing to do that anymore. My hubs does not want to help with my health insurance +and I’m not going to pay for LTH policy to help him out. This is a long post.

I am at a point in my life where I want to do things and live a way that makes me happy. So if I use what money I have to see that happen, I will. My hubs actually stood in front of me with tears in his eyes saying I need you to help me!! Been through that too many times to care. I can’t help him, he needs to find his own help because I’ve put too much time into this same subject since 1986. Im not heartless but I’m also not giving up myself. And suggestions I will appreciate, love to everyone!,

So here I continue, lol! My family of origin is nothing but garage. I was was raised in a family with four children but I never existed. I’m the the youngest. I’m the one who saw to the majority of my mothers care. My sister was name as primary on the DPA. When my mother died, everyone including my general care dr who was my mothers dr, only saw the paper work where my sister was named as the person in charge.

yes, I’m having big issues since my mother died where I seem to have disappeared from the land scrape even though I was the one who was there for my mom from beginning to end. My family of origin has just disregarded me. I’m done with all of them as well. All I can say, my borderline personality disordered mother taught them all very well

im done, Thanjavur you for letting me vent.

Sharyn, good riddance to them too! You're probably better off without them. You just continue being number one in your own life

Gershwin, I wish it was that easy. My sister did very little to help my mom. Yes I’m done with my family of origin and I thank you

Sharyn, I know it's not that easy. I didn't mean to sound flip about it. I experienced same with my sibs and still keep them at arm's length five and a half years since my mom died.

I think once you've made the decision sticking to it is easy. It's the wavering back and forth that is difficult. I know I've kept my resolve and my family see that I'm not to be messed with anymore.

I know it's trite to say this but we do teach people how to treat us. Your family needs to be taught and you need to stick with it and be true to you.

Gershun , I know what you meant, I’m sorry if I sounded or come across otherwise. I know what you are saying and like you I’m just done. My mother taught them well and ther is no unteaching their mind sets. 💕💕💕❤️

You didn't sound bad at all Sharyn. No worries.

sharyn - "Go Girl". Good for you sticking up for yourself. I have cut contact with my extended family - basically my sis - and when I did I felt safer than ever before. You are right - good food is necessary for health and wellbeing. Hubs need to help himself. You can support him if he wants to help himself but you can't do it for him.

gershun keep those boundaries!!!

Sharyn, can you just cancel the long term and just pay for a better health insurance plan for yourself?