notrydoyoda Posted January 2012
The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?
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- How do I deal with an emotionally needy mother who wants all of my time and attention?
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- My sole mate is sole care taker of both parents. Where do I find help dealing with this?
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I used to get that sick feeling going into the house when I was taking care of the place and my dad. I would get really angry sometimes, too. Either way, it isn't good. Your brain is telling you to RUNNNNN, RUN AWAY! But I very much get it that it isn't that simple.
Life is complicated and caregiving situations to dysfunctional family members are super complicated at times. Extracting ourselves from the layers that keep us in a place that makes us feel sick is a process. Keep going, hon; keep working on it as best you can. Everyone deserves a peaceful life if you're a peaceful person, you know? It's taken me many years, too, to figure out how to limit the dysfunction and drama I inherited and grew up in. It helps that some of my closest family members also seem to have changed... grown... through the years, and civil interactions are now the norm and not the exception. I've learned to do my part to keep them that way, too.
I gave my daughter a copy of this poem when she was in school. I also think it can apply to caregivers, really anyone that needs confirmation of their strength. Plus, the oak tree has always been my favorite tree!
The Oak Tree
Johnny Ray Ryder, Jr.
A mighty wind blew night and day
It stole the Oak Tree’s leaves away
Then snapped it’s boughs and pulled it’s bark
Until the Oak was tired and stark
But still the Oak Tree held it’s ground
While other trees fell all around
The weary wind gave up and spoke
“How can you still be standing, Oak?”
The Oak Tree said, “I know that you can break each branch in two
Carry each leaf away
Shake my limbs and make me sway
But I have roots stretched in the earth
Growing stronger since my birth
You’ll never touch them, for you see
They are the deepest part of me
Until today, I wasn’t sure
Of just how much I could endure
But now I’ve found with thanks to you
I’m stronger than I ever knew.”
Don’t we all feel ourselves swaying at times, as if we could snap in two?
It’s good to remember our strong roots that lie underneath.
I know that I need my roots to hold me steady right now as I visit my mom in the end of life hospice facility with end stage Parkinson’s disease. She’s 95! She’s completely bed bound now.
It’s hard for me to go through this last chapter with mom even though I have been through it with my dad dying in 2002.
My brothers and I have had our ups and downs but are remaining civil with each other for all of our sakes.
I don’t post on this thread a lot but I read it. It’s a nice group of people that meet here.
There is always a way out, it is the courage to completely change our lives, leave what is familiar and create an alternate route, that is difficult to muster up. Many of us have worked through this.
Congrats to all that developed the way! We all deserve a peaceful life without conflict. But, we have to choose it and make it happen. We need to do it largely without help in our lives. But here, you will find the support.
Giving up only allows the dysfunction to continue to suck us in, over and over and over.
Ali you've been doing a lot of growing. I'm proud of you too.
I am just checking in. I used to be able to say I am not updated but it seems there are much less posts and members.
My update is I am scared to say but good, I got so much accomplished last week and felt so good. I was scared to push in fear of a set back. I dont know what was wrong with me but it was physical spiritual and mental.
I left my mother in a tearful mode like when I found her on floor. I hugged her and told her not to cry, not to worry dont be sad because it makes me sad. she asked for candy. I promised to bring her a nice piece of cake which I have bought.
Dont know what I will find when I get home. But I am so thankful to feel good inside and out. aside from the hip.
This forum is a life saver for me in so many ways, thank you all for sharing.
Happy Easter. Love and healing to all.
How long have you used the glasses? Do they help much?
My wife and I have had ours a week and they are great. My physical therapist likes them, but her husband who has to work all day on the computer finds them to be very helpful. Here is some information that I found online plus a link to an article.
"An overabundance of blue light from ever-present computers and cell phones can cause daytime fatigue and upset our natural rhythms. While there’s no strong scientific evidence that blue light from digital devices causes damage to your eyes, there is a growing concern that blue light can have long-term effects on our health. "
https://wexnermedical.osu.edu/blog/blue-light-and-vision
in April of 2013, we moved our mom into assisted living. Memory care would not have a room available for a couple weeks. mymom had her dog Midget with her since she could still take of her
i had gone over to the factory get my mom a shower. I put clean clothes out on her bed, turned on the shower. When I returned to the bedroom, my moms socks were gone. Midget had taken her socks and was stuffing them in between the couch cushions. I got the socks back , came back, came back in the bedroom, my mom had put away the clothes. This placed out 3 times repeating until I shut the bedroom door. It was like a Laural and Hardy movie. Finally my mom got a shower.
sadly I had to put Midget down today due to kidney failure. She would have been 13 in July. This is a normal life span a small poodle.
this is my best and favorite memory of Midget and my mom together. Losing Midget has been hard because of the connection to me mom. She had a great life and was very loved.
I also have a poodle, a mini poodle, Sandy. She helped save my sanity during the most difficult times with my mom. I love her so much. I dread the day I have to do what you did for Midget.
So sorry Sharyn. Have a good cry and think about the good memories of Midget.
Our dogs become part of our family. It’s terribly sad to lose them.
I miss having a dog so much. My mini schnauzer and greyhound lived to be 13 years old.
We are never ready to say goodbye to them.
I miss having a dog but don’t think that I can go through losing one again so I haven’t gotten another one.
They bring us so much joy and all they want in return is to be loved. I can tell that you loved your pooch with all your heart.
So sorry for your loss. Midget sounds like she was a special little dog.
Take care.
NHWM, yes, they are a part of our family. It is so hard to put them down, but all the years of love and companionship they give is worth it for me. It’s a personal choice.
countrymouse, you are so correct, she is chasing socks for eternity.
I remember Midget.
She is so much a part of your Mom's story, and your story.
So sad for your loss. 🐶
That connection to your mom makes it even harder I know. My mom took care of my kitties when we travelled and I know I'll always think of that when they leave this world.
My heart goes out to you.
Golden, yes it is like losing my mom al, over again. It is not the same but very similar. I will move through it but it is different than losing my kitties. Part of it is because I know cat health well enough to recognize the signs. I’ve never had a dog before so it was very unexpected. Yes we have a 3-1/2 year old golden retriever. He is my hubs dog primarily, but he loves me too. He has to go outside with me every time I go out in the yard. If I don’t acknowledge him,he cries until I do.
pam, yes midget was a character. She stole my personal belongings and hid them between the couch cushions and under pillows. Socks were her favorite. She never destroyed anything, just hid them.
Send, yes Midget is a big part of my and my moms story on here. That little dog got into my heart.
I started having ear pain last week but with everything going on with Midget I did t go to the dr plus it wasn’t severe. It did go in today. It’s all sinus inflammation related. I have to use a nettie pot 2x a day, Flonase once a day and a humidifier at night. The climate here is very, very dry.
Thank you everyone for understanding about Midget and the connection to my mother. It means a lot to me to know that so many get that connection.
Sharyn, so sorry for you loss. Midget RIP, I hope she is in heaven with your mom.
I have been off line for quite a while. This forum is always in my heart. So many things I shared in my mind the past few weeks.
Although the only thing that has changed in the craziness is that we got homecare. They came on the 3/05 and then again on last Friday. MG the guardian manager says she called my twisted and she said she could not make it even though she was home. She called her twice after that with no answer. So she revealed her true self and intentions. I broke down last friday when I heard this because of a life time of the unfairness. I am so glad I did not try and retaliate on so many wrongs. the flying monkey DN I dont see and the oldest one is still cordial.
I cant explain how it feels to finally have help. For some reason my mothers 90 year old friend of many years came by and he said my energy was much younger than my age. I am feeling stronger. Much wiser, and a work in progress. Finally some help after all these years.
Meanwhile its seems my mother took well with the aide. So far so good. Please keep us in prayer.
Stay well and safe. Rays of love and healing.
Great news and hang in!
1. Wife and I have had both vaccination shots.
2. Wife has regained interest in life which is great.
3. My psychiatrist reduced the level of my anti-anxiety med due to a bad side effect. I may save some of the old prescription for when I have to be around my brother in law who has the same impact on my wife and our sons.
4. It is sure good to have the extra money from my wife's inheritance from her deceased mother's trust fund given all the repairs and other needed things.
5. Our economics major son has taught me how to use various credit cards for the most cash back or useful points that I can actually use. I have learned from others that I am not alone in doing this.
6. My planters fasciitis is finally healing.
7. I have an awesome endocrinologist who is a full doctor in contrast to the student doctor I was most recently seeing. The one before him was great. She was top in her class and was not self-conscious like this new person. At 63, I don't feel like raising a doctor. Sorry, I just don't.
Sad to say my weight is not a good news report.
Outside of the adjustment to being displaced, Its just wonderful. I feel like I am a visitor.
So much more work as I have to be there in support of the cleaning and organizing. Its coming along good and amazingly I am doing well with the stress and the physical demands.
I had a few words with the aide. There was something off in my spirit when I met her on Monday. I do my best to make sure she is comfortable and I spend more time down there. Wednesday a new aide came for one day and we got her in the tub. My mother is a fighter and very strong. She will get to scratching and it scared me a tad seeing how hard she was going at it, worrying that she could have a serious issue.
Back to the aide, one morning when I came down she said the light needs a bulb. I say which one and she snapped that one which one do you think. So I was twisted and told her in so many ways my tolerance is very short. I I was doing a lot of running back and forth. Later I told her my concern that if she speaks to me that way how was she with my mother when they were alone. She was like we are good! she just doesnt talk much. Then I told her I am not her child(seems we are same age or I am older) and I speak with her with respect and I expect the same from her. Whew!! Is the universe and planets off or doing some strange stuff? Yikes and being a scapegoat it breaks my heart to tell people off and set them straigth. Holding all that stuff in has made me sick in so many ways.
Next day I bought her lunch and gave her money for a cab. She is doing hard work and I am so very grateful but it does not make me blind to certain dynamics. Basically its such a relief and in a sense embarrassing to have some one clean your "dirty Laundry".
So I am all happy dorie and then wednesday as I am letting out the temporary aide my nephew comes in and introduces himself. His mother is there also but she stayed in the hall. After I let aide out. DN came back down with mother behind all in my face saying this was my fault also. and how embarrassing it is. I was like forget embarrassing its a shame this family got here. Made him aware that his mother had me blocked from ma care and she neglected to address her medical issues and need. So tell me what I did wrong. I also renminded him how she deserted them, and betrayed me as well as my motherl. Then she starts video. I was fit to be tied.
So much going on but now there is a witness but twisted is a beautiful liar and manipulator. No telling what extent she will go to to look pretty and place the blame on me.
Also in being the scapegoat I had taken on this tolerance for disrespect because it has always been a major issue in my life. After that weakness and sickness I seem to have lost tolerance for manipulation period even on the job.
My client mother has always been manipulative and has done shady things. I need my job and I tolerate a lot. We even do laundry and fold and put things away. I have made it clear its not my job but I have a lot of down time so I dont make it an issue. But she sits on couch all day on tablet. and just does a lot a lazy stuff and now I am feeling like leaving because she has started trying to tell the nurses how to document and how many pages of notes to write so she can look good via insurance. She will have to switch to new Medicaid program and they will not allow 24hr RN so she gets these seizure logs and wants us to write a note when her pulse rate goes over 80. Its almost degrading for her to have the nurses writing 3 pages, I refused adamantly and we have been going at it today she just practically called me a liar because her o2 sats are 100%. Then she sent a msg on chat on using intermittent and not check continent and incontinent. I was like she is off chain. There is already a problem with getting nurses I have been here the longest and I am ready to go. I mean I dont have any real benefits. I could get my hip surg
#2 is the best news. Very happy for you and her.
#4 is always good. $$$
#8 join a gym. I can't wait till the local gym with a pool is open.
I see that your sister and nephew seem to be trying to provoke you and then video an outburst from you. Don't fall for it.
You're an RN, yes? Aren't there lots of jobsbfor RNs right now in NYC? Like the VA? HHC? Maimo?
I'm glad to hear it's working out for you. I know all to well what it's like to be born and raised to be a family scapegoat on everything.
The only difference is that you stayed quiet and didn't fight back for a long time. With me I would fly into a towering rage that can make birds fall from the sky and always have since I was a little kid. My mother designated me the family scapegoat to take all the world's blame when I was about 5 or 6 years old. Mostly everyone thinks that's just a rotten brat kid acting up, but some people realize what went on. They don't say or do anything though.
I accepted a long time ago what my family is like. I'm the ringleader's (my mother's) sole caregiver too. I learned a long time ago not to respond with rage and anger when my mother tries to set me up. She's addicted to the pity and attention from other people. Getting your child to throw a horrific tantrum enabled her to enjoy behaving viciously behind closed doors building up for the explosion. No one sees that. They only see a rotten brat kid having a tantrum or a mean, ingrate adult with no respect for their parent. She's known for a long time that if she crosses me in any way, I'm done. She's enough of a narcissist to realize that getting her basic needs met is more important than getting her fix of pity and attention from others.
Good news for you getting some good homecare for your mother. That's a big help to you too.
I've had homecare clients where I would work in absolute silence. I'd get the work done but if they acted up in some ways they would be totally ignored by me in other ways. I would not speak to them, would not sit down with them during meals, and would not even acknowledge their presence. The clients get it when their caregiver/companion does this and they get their behavior in check.
You've got good caregiving for your mom and the caregiver probably uses the same approaches I do.
Believe me when I say, the nurses are just humoring your mother with her dictating page after page of notes. They couldn't care less about her instruction.