The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

We have a 4th surge here too, other areas of the country have it much worse than here. The news just reported people in this state are getting it 3 and 4 times. Still should get the vax.

Golden great you got estate done. I am sure it is a relief!

Yes chest area has loosened a lot. Couldn't sleep well for the last nine weeks until the last 4-5 nights. Work is ok, what I would give to be able to retire! But at least I enjoy my job.

Glad, we are surging as well. Even though I received the vaccine, I am wearing a mask when I do out and distancing. I lost a friend on September 4 from complications due to covid. I’m glad I got to see her before I left California.

continue getting better, we are cooling down into fall weather. This virus seems to explode with cooler weather, more people inside,etc. Stay safe.

If I am being honest, I am struggling. There is way too much on my plate right now so instead of taking action my brain and body have just shut down and I am not doing anything at all.

I just wanted to share something here that happened to me recently. I've been taking mood stabilizers for over a year and I've noticed my behavior changed a lot and it was in a good way. I'm pretty happy I finally found medication to help that part of my life. Anyway, so recently I had this weird blip where I couldn't sleep for two nights in a row, and I went back through my old Facebook posts from the past few years and realized... there is this whole pattern of me kind of "flaring up" about once a month or so. It's hard to describe. But it's there. And I don't want to medicate myself to the point that my old sparkly personality is gone but tbh, I think that could be for the best. So I had this two day blip where I was so miserable and couldn't sleep no matter how much I tried. I remember the feeling from before -- I think it's when you have too much cortisol at night. Just as soon as I'd be getting relaxed, my brain/body would just juice itself on some cortisol or adrenaline or something... and I'd be completely awake again.

I don't know that I described it well. It was an interesting and miserable experience but it reminded me that I used to have those problems before I was taking mood stabilizer meds and also the nightly zolpidem. The combo really helps me. I'm a little behind on school work now because of the blip, but I should be able to catch up this week and keep going.

I'm just realizing how much these meds have helped me. I'm so glad! It's been a long time now that I wanted to "smooth the rough edges" of my mood swings. I've never thought of myself as being bipolar but going back though old posts of mine definitely showed the pattern. I've changed, for the better, and it's a good thing.

Cheyenne, I have been there and done that, not making fun of your situation. I don’t know your situation. I can say that there are times we must step back and put ourselves first. It sounds like that is where you are at. Take a needed break, you may be surprised that things will be taken care of by others once they see you are not currently able to.

Ali, I'm happy for you that you have found a balance that works for you.

I've been feeling really down lately. Missing my cat Daniel a lot. For those of you who don't read other threads we had to have him put down August 18th. It's amazing how a little furry being can capture your heart and not let go. I still have my other cat but it's just not the same around here without Daniel.

Plus ever since getting my second covid vaccine I've been feeling really dull and lackluster. Even my face looks different. There is a spark that seems to have left my appearance. I feel like everything is an effort. Even just blow drying my hair leaves me exhausted. I feel like crying when I have to bend over to pick something up. No kidding...........I do hope this passes soon.

Failing to 'protect' the person in my home who constantly goes after the old, spoiled food in the fridge, but has been known to sort through the trash.
I cook and prepare food regularly, but he is on a roll, eating the 12 day old chicken. The fridge is packed, I can't even find things in there.

"three to four days:
According to the USDA, cooked chicken will last three to four days in the refrigerator, and two to three months in the freezer. Eating cooked chicken after this point can result in foodborne illness — even at refrigerated temperatures, bacteria can still grow".

We have employee appreciation bbq on Saturday. I will not be going. Too many people indoors, no masks or intent to mask even if needed in this rogue county.
Just not going to risk it and make sure that HR knows why.

There has been so much good ol boy crap at work lately the powers have a very hard time treating people the same. Thinking about doing something about it. Now a committee member made a rude comment, harassing comment about my surgery. There has been so much crap over the years. I don't play their games and they don't like it, not one little bit.

Countdown to a full moon, 4 days.
Here is what I am doing now:
Hunkering down, keeping a low profile, trying not to instigate disagreements, keeping emotions in check. Watching old reruns on T.V. to distract myself.
Trying not to panic after someone's bad behaviors.

Eating a nice salad for dinner, then some ice cream for dessert! y u m . 🍨

Early to bed.

Greetings to you all. I hope all is well with everyone.

Golden I. Glad you enjoyed the birthday.
Yes my son's visit was great. 4 years. I didnt cry in front of him but I bgg did when he came and after he left.


I did my thing and cleaned halls and set up him a nice space. It felt strong today. I guess feeling cared for builds us up. This morning the door was unlocked when I came In plus the aide was not there. On two previous occasions she didnt come in and another time she was very late. Each time I came home surprised and i asked her to.please inform me also. She stays in touch with mybsidtervwho signs her time sheets. I told her I asked her for this courtesy in past that next time I will agency and ask where she is or if she called in. I felt very strong in addressing this. I don't have anything to do with her communicating.
Wwith my sister I dont like being left out the loop. I explained that I call my clients when I'm going to be delayed a while just so the are not alarmed. I want help but feel cast out and feeling like it is a goal of my sister. As I mopped down hallways and stair case I came across cat poop not to mention resenting having to clean up her old cat vomit areas from years past. It was hard at first to overlook and be able to walk past and not care. I felt its three of them walking past thisband I can learn to do same. But i couldnt expose my son. Actually it was so nice to see clean and fresh after so long. It touches me it gets to me.
Ali glad to see you getting progress with meds.
I have many sleepless nights some times ibcsntvget the worry or stress out of my mind.
Anewsy I am grateful and look forward to visiting my son at thanksgiving for a few weeks.
Rays of peace and healing for us all. Hugs to all.

My father might be in a NH but I still am his caregiver who goes to the NH all the time to make sure things are ok and that he has clean clothes brushes his teeth put deodorant on ECT... SOOOOO I'm still the caregiver who is burned out. I called my dad today because they have COVID cases in the NH and I can't go in so when I call and he still saying come get me that he needs to go to the bank and I don't understand and that someone whoever needs to come now. My heart can't take anymore and I'm the only visitor that sees him because my brother and sisters are asses. I feel bad I feel sad I feel guilty I feel sick a lot this caregiver in done mentally. I know I have to keep going and I 'am.

HI! Where is everyone? Maybe not posting is a good sign. I am not posting a lot because this phone is so inconvenient.




I hope all is well with everyone.
Babybrooks I think it's a loving caregivers plight. Especially when your life has been revolving around the loved one well being. My mother being a narcissist had me well programmed to her needs and happiness. So much so that I can deeply feel her changes. She is home and I will often find myself depressed deeply and tearful because l am helpless in fixing anything now. And its after I am in this state for a painful while that I realize I am killing my self slowly stressing and worrying. I am so afraid to lose her and it's a reality if I don't go first. It's like she is part of my life force.

So I know I need to get away. I have anxiety issues with everything. I am looking forward to getting away to see my son and family in Ca for Thanksgiving. I wouldnt be able if the aides weren't here and the guardianship. I'd probably come to changed locks on my return.

I think you need to take a break and take care of you. Build yourself up inside out.
Hand in.
Love peace and healing to us all.

Tomorrow we will have one of our grandsons for the day. He has a fever 102*f, stuffed up sinuses and coughing. I’m glad we have the covid vaccine and flu vaccine. I’ve already been exposed to him since I was at my daughters house onMonday making caramel apples.

I will wear a mask tomorrow for extra protection. I hope he just has a minor virus and since E is sick, it’s possible L will get it as will.

Only a grandparent would welcome a sick, snotty nosed kid, I'd be saying no thank you 🤣

Lold Cwilllie that was cute.
Allthe best Sharyn. I think it's a priviledge to spend time with the Grands.

I have just discovered Florence Scovel Shinn. She wrote "The game of life and how to play it." and other works. I first listened in utube and then downloaded her works. It's great. I was reading the book this morning about the law of resistance and how if we dont respond the upsetting situation lose their power. I had spoke with my friend who always says I shouldn't be surprise at my sister's antics and how in past she had done a lot of crying and then things didnt bother her. I may not be making this clear. But when I was reading the pdf it started to make since.
I just have to figure it out.

My sister has a new flying monkey. Eva the aide. She gives her money and is her eyes and ears. She is also cooking for my sister. So sometimes when I cook i made enough for us all but notice she didnt give my mother the dishes i left sometimes.
I got call from APS ms Marks of visit last friday. Before this the nursing agency called about helping the aides with my mother. Turns out that aide had called twisted for help and she refused saying today was not her day. So my sister me with them before I got there I was in the laundry and running errands and something made me go to house I was going to wait for clothes to dry.
Aanyways they were all out side in uproar because lights were out.
The circuit breaker flips when I have the convection ovens on and use microwave. All the aide know this and I show them how to turn back on.
My twister manage to poison these people and make it look like I was the problem. I was rudely told not to plug in any high electrical appliances and there was an electrician coming and there was no need for heaters because it's not cold. The tone and spirit was insulting to say the least.

So while we are in the house this supervisor is speaking adamantly to eva saying my mother is her only concern she is not to fo anything for us. Over and over. I asked if she could tell me what this was a out she made question obsolete and didnt answer. The aps woman came and explained how the nurse agency called complain abou my sister sending aide to store and refusing to help that day. Anyways down the line the aide stated my sister helps more. This is because she helps them bathe her but then she goes up. The fact is she is doing more than she ever has. It does not take away from what I do. It's not a competition but it fed into the mission that I was the problem.
I told her we both help but my sister helps Her more. I dont feed into her hustle for money. I got her game early on
I go to pantries and I was giving her a lot of stuff which she gave to people in her building then she asked me that I could get the things the people were willing to pay and we could split it. I didnt want to hurt her feeling but said I give from my heart not for money. I had other issues with her overstepping boundaries. Opening thing injustice bought gokngbinto supplies and using my things. She was saying oh I bought your mother books only to discover they were my books.
Anyways I had mind to run it all down on her but I kept my mouth shut. That day I also told her to be careful following my twister that she already thru her under the bus over the medications. She has now taken over the meds and actually keeps them upstairs. The neds should be where anyone can get to them. I also told this supervisor to get us some counseling after her tirade about our dysfunction.
So I was back to brokenness in my heart so tired and helpless at my twister s scheme to undermine and make me obsolete. I just leave it let it play out because I know down the line she will expose her self.
I feel much better now we R 6 months in and ba e a long ways to go.
Llooking forward to seeing my son and family specially the grands next month
Ray's of love and healing to us all.

Cwillie, very true! Only a grandparent, lol! Our son in law wants him tested for Covid since he was up coughing most of the night. We are trying to figure out who is taking him to get tested and when…our daughter didn’t want to take off work because they are shorthand plus she has surgery coming up soon, but may have to just be late to work today so he gets tested.

Hi posting and responding here is semi new for me as i dont get on as much as i would like, but this topic caught my eye. i would just like to say god bless all of us who r in this world of caregiving, dysfunctional, and such now at 64 single no children and losing my mom 9/3/21 after being her 24/7 caregiver since 2014 i bitched, i cried, i felt guilty, and i wanted to die at times and to add dysfunctional to the mix WOW that was me. i lost my first brother in 2014, my dad in 2018, my other brother and my mom in 2021, i am/was the trunk of this family and i hope, wish, pray for all of you to have peace, courage, strength, and love. I coming from his/hers/ours, not easy that alone w/o any other drama. god and tears have been my sanity. starting a life at 64 again I never dreamed it would be me i found and find strength in these online groups, they r my life line god bless all of u and hang on, this to shall pass its what we keep that will break or mold us in the future.

I am not doing to well with my siblings. This journey I am on has brought me in more contact with my siblings but most of them I now respect much less. I now look forward to the day that I will see them less of them if at all. It is the same thing I hear over and over again on this site. I take most of the responsibility and make the commitment and the others just want to come by and have tea. I used to think well that's something. But now I am thinking they should just stay away. On the other hand this experience has brought me closer to some people in my family that come through for me and I will always respect them for that. I am no saint and probably can not do the things for my mother for much longer. I am going to work on moving on from this situation and hope that what follows is
better for everyone. My plan is to take it in small steps. I am my mother's live in
and primary caregiver. Part of me hurts a lot that I can not continue but taking these steps will give me hope. The anger that now arises is not good. I have never felt so much anger in my life.
c

Tomfsc it's hard for me to explain but the anger and resentment can slowly kill you. My sibling issue is and I guess will always be difficult. It hurts. I am learning to leave it in God's Hands and when I do my heart and mind his at ease. It's a process I am working on. As I get better at it I feel better. The pain and resentment is still there but holds a smaller place in my heart.
I wish you all the best in this struggle.

I pray you all are in good spirit and health.
Rays of peace love and healing to us all.

Hey Duck, I saw a few posts back you said something about people not posting much here. I'm following the thread but AC rarely shows me there's anything new here in my news feed. I like what you said about pain and resentment becoming smaller. When I think about hurtful family/situations from the past, I remind myself that no one else is paying rent in my head, and they're not allowed to take up space there. I still struggle with emotions at times, though. Probably always will to some degree.

If I were in your situation, since aides are saying/doing different things and APS is calling you, I would document some short notes every day about any interaction you had with mom, sis, or agency/aides. Just concerned about you and I know how sideways things can go if someone starts reporting false info about you. It's sad, but protect yourself, please.

Glad, I'm proud of you that you stand up for yourself at work. I wish I would have learned to do that many years ago. How are things going there?

Hey Sharyn, how's E?

Tom, the anger that can come from caregiving situations, especially if they're dysfunctional families, is like no other. I'm convinced of that. It can help drive you to make necessary changes for yourself, hopefully.

To the new posters -- This is a great thread and can be a godsend for caregivers in dysfunctional situations. Please keep posting!

To

Just ticked off lately. Dad lives with me and my wife. He gets $1500 from SSI. Not other income. He pays his bills (insurance mostly). He gives $250 a month to his church and spends the rest going out for meals with his lady friend or lodge friends. I pay 100% of the expenses for our home. He has very nice accommodations, own living room, bed room and bath. I do all the cooking, shopping, etc. The only thing we make him do is his own laundry (he is capable).
Any transportation to Dr, barber, church, I do. He eats out at least 4 to 5 times a week. OK, he has to get out, I get it but now he is paying for his lady friend before it was dutch. This is her MO, I know this from a very small town and I know the people she was involved in before she set sites on my dad. He can spin a yarn and make a sweater so I am sure she thinks he is loaded. He doesn't have anything other than SSI. My gripe is he gives nothing to me for house expenses. I haven't asked in 8 years. I make dinner every night, buy his fruits, milk, lunch meats, bread anything he needs for food. Never a dime. Yes, when I spent almost a year traveling back and forth taking care of him I lost money with work. I cleaned out the house and his business and moved him in with me. He did give me one of his old vehicles and he took Mom's car. I used that vehicle to buy a new vehicle for myself ($9,000 trade-in). I felt guilty after I found out about the last bankruptcy because right before they were told to go buy 2 new vehicles which they bought very good vehicles with all the service and then declared bankruptcy, which I traded on my new vehicle, then I saw the papers. I don't think I would have done that had I known. He did give me one of his covid stimulus checks which why he even got one I don't understand. So 8 years later and I have received $10,000 in income from him. I am not complaining about the amount but you would think if you are living with someone paying all the bills and cooking your meals that maybe you would at least offer a few bucks toward the extra heat all day, electricity, the cable bill, and extras to go with that? Maybe chip in for gas when you are being taken to the Dr. and anywhere else you need to go?
He spends on his friends but never on us (I'm not asking but at least offer). Mom always handled his bills and they declared bankruptcy twice. There were times both my sister and I had to give them money (I found out later as well), I had to give them a credit card in later years so he could buy supplies for his business. He just kept spending. Before all that I thought they were good with money the way they spent and traveled all the time on cruises and vacations. It wasn't until mom died and I went through all the papers did I know about it. mom hid a lot very well. If I knew the money trouble I would have put my foot down on how they lavished my kids and us. They both grew up post-depression and had very little as kids so I get it. The issue is he gets money and spends it as fast as he can. Tax check boom, he spends it, Christmas gift cards he spends them. He has no concept of how to put money away.
I tried when mom died, I paid all his bills with his money and showed him what bills to pay and when. He is in charge of his account I am on the account to have access so I see what he spends on. When I took over I told him here is your income and here is your per diem on how much you can spend basically per day or month.
He does not get it, for a few years, I always had to give him money to get him by. Now he has a few hundred left in savings from his stimulus check. Once it goes he will be on his own because I won't give him any money.
it's like breakfast, I was making his oatmeal every morning to keep him regular to stop clogging my toilet. It seemed to work until last week when his lady friend showed up at lunchtime (he just got up) and he threw what I made in the trash. Oh well no more breakfast being made for him.
It is just frustrating to

TG, herein lies the issue:

" I am not complaining about the amount but you would think if you are living with someone paying all the bills and cooking your meals that maybe you would at least offer a few bucks toward the extra heat all day, electricity, the cable bill, and extras to go with that? Maybe chip in for gas when you are being taken to the Dr. and anywhere else you need to go?"

YOU are a reasonable and nice person. Your father is not.

Things need to be spelled out for him in words of one syllable. "Dad, you are going to have to start contributing X$ per month to the household; you deserve the dignity of paying your own way and not getting a free ride from us".

Yes, he will Bitc$h and moan to lady friend, to neighbors and to your siblings. But the IDEA that he is paying something is going to make YOU feel better, I think.

Just do that and let us know how that goes.

And just WOW! Your parents were incredibly irresponsible people, financially. In your shoes, I would feel immensely resentful of that--they spent money instead of saving for retirement. And chose to balance their budget on YOUR and your childrens' backs. That really sucks.

Ali so great to see you post. I will take your advice thanks for understanding. I have a lot of work to do as far as how this stuff affects me. Sometimes I'm strong and sometimes I into a funk.
My father's anniversary was the 31st. 41 years and it still hurts. My son went to a family reunion in Colorado and they had pics of my mother and father. The pics were vibrant and captured the moments. I showed to my mother and they made her laugh and smile. It was so uplifting.
TG we are all a work in progress and one thing for sure is BarbBrooklyn keeps it real and gives good advice. There are so many times my perspective and growth has been positively and impacted from comments and posts.

I miss seeing posts from a lot of special folk who have touched my life and my heart. I know I dont check in as much as I would like but I look forward to hearing about the happy holiday moments.

Rsays of love peace and healing to everyone

Tg, how does your wife feel about this situation with your dad, where he spends as much as he wants and doesn't contribute to household? Your situation reminded me of behavior contingencies -- something I'm studying in school. You are preventing your dad from experiencing the consequences of his behavior. In a direct way, you're maintaining his current behavior. Not giving him any more money going forward is a good idea. And though you haven't done this in the past and it may be hard to change course now, you can put a simple agreement in place where he pays some amount each month on the day he gets his SSI. I get it that you'd much rather he was a more responsible person and would offer, but... he's shown you who he is and you have to decide if you can live with things as-is, or not.

Your acts of kindness are harming your relationship with your dad, since you resent his irresponsibility and selfishness. Keeping it going isn't helping you or your dad. You're hurting yourself through anger/resentment over the situation, but you CAN change it. Set up reasonable expectations, and then follow through on consequences for your dad's behavior. The rest is up to him.

Hope this sounds as encouraging as it's meant!

Hello everyone! We all got hit with a virus which started with me and our grandson E. He and I were covid tested, results were negative. Our other grandson was also covid tested (required by their school), he also was negative. We are have all recovered, thank goodness.

We are leaving to SoCal for a few days on Friday, our son is getting married. We are looking forward to meeting our new daughter in law to be and her 11 year old daughter.

Thank you for asking about E, Ali. I hope you are well. Sounds like you are busy with school.

Sharon great to hear the good news that you all have recovered and it's not covid.

TG, AliBo is giving good solid advice
Ali I have always appreciated your clarity and advice.
It feels good to be in a nice place emotionally. I am noting my growth. There was more drama, I let it out.
Rays of love and healing to us all.

Thanks,
I am trying, every day it gets tougher. I try to just let it roll off my back, I keep getting told one day you will regret (insert whatever comment). None of the commentators live it.
It was his birthday and I cooked a very nice meal for him and my daughter and SIL. We all had a good time, of course he has to chime in on every conversation, I let it go. I made him a cake we all cleaned up and he just retreated to his room. Yesterday is birthday and I cooked him a fresh lobster and muscles and made something else for my wife and me. Nothing like "hey this is special, thanks?" No, he just clawed it open like he hadn't eaten in a month (I did prep it so it was all opened for him), after dinner I had to wash the table floor and seat, it's like having a toddler at the table. My wife had to tell him to wash his hands before he put them on the walls to walk down the hallway. He was scarfing the food down and making sounds like he was choking, I had to tell him to slow his eating down, his shirt was stained with lobster and muscle drippings. I don't get why he has to eat like a horse, actually horses eat with better manners. Oh well, I did get a "dinner was good" out of it.
The crap I do.... then after dinner its "can you take me and drop me off at a lunch tomorrow?" Yup, just the cook, chauffer and bottle washer.........

TG, who is in your ear, telling you that one day you will regret WHAT?

If it's your dad, and he thinks you treat him poorly, then you might say, "then I think we should find you a better place to live, Dad. Clearly you're not happy here, and frankly, neither are we".

If it's someone you're complaining to, like a friend, clearly you need to be talking to someone different.