The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Scmoon... I can tell you've put a lot of "work" into your emotions regarding your dysfunctional family. No matter how we get there, at the end of the day, all of us want to feel what you've described - an inner peace and contentment, and that we are Honoring Ourselves and maintaining Integrity... and still doing "the best we can" by our loved ones and their desires/needs of us.

I have some questions about your latest post. I hope you don't mind I just ponder/ask them out in the open... I have much respect for you and your mind's process.

"I am doing the best I can but refuse to be manipulated any more than necessary."

How do you determine this? Obviously if I "turn the microphone over" to my mother, she will give you her version of her reality which is greatly different from mine. She tells ME she thinks that I am manipulative... and leaves me sputtering with brain failure of knowing HOW to meet her halfway. I have One Prayer, and One Prayer only in this Life... and that is - How do I do the Right Thing? What is the Right Thing? Even if it means my own ego gets slain on the altar, I'll give it up for Truth any day.

Now, that's some emotional words. But it is, in essence, how I feel and operate as a person. And with all my Truth Seeking, I have yet to figure out how to handle my well-meaning, tender-hearted, vulnerable, yet Way Off Base, Compulsive, Immature Mother.

I see, in her eyes, this sadness that I, her daughter, don't particularly want a relationship with her. That hurts me very much, that I make her sad. My mother's mother is a vicious, abusive woman who physically abused my mother in ways that are horrific for me to hear about (from my mom, from other family, from everyone... my maternal grandmother is a piece of work... chopped off my mom's hair on mom's wedding day... ugh... you guys don't want to hear this stuff... just vicious...). And so I do realize that my mother, at least in some ways, a product of her own horribly dysfunctional upbringing. But my mother, for whatever reason, has not claimed her own Life and moved Beyond her dysfunctional childhood. So I see, in my mother, a sad, vulnerable child. And now, truly, Yes, I am the mother here between her and I. So what do I do now? I want to help her. I just don't... know... how... and it breaks my heart. Because its not my mom's "fault." So then who's "fault" is it?

And the closer I get to her, the more chaos falls-out into my own life. And I'm not in a real good place, mentally/physically/emotionally/spiritually, to begin to also field my mom's "crazy." I got enough "crazy" right now that I'm tackling with her nowhere near me. I just feel for her so much. She's had a tough road.

I think its up to each of us - its up to us AND its our Responsibility in this Life - to own up to our own participation in and contribution to dysfunctionality. I just don't know, really, what that means to/for me. Where Is The Line? I'm looking for it everywhere and I just don't know. Grrr.

This thread is so "me" right now, thank you for bringing it into the forum. I'm having "issues" with my role as caregiver to my 77 year old mom. I hope you all will forgive me for my contribution to this thread, because I'm about to unleash some stuff I've held in for awhile now.

First, I do come from a dysfunctional household. I grew up in a house with a mentally ill (and undiagnosed/untreated) mother. My dad was as near a saint as anyone can be, working hard to provide for us all and being both mother and father to me. He did develop a drinking problem, but he was always a good man. He lived an intolerable life, but he did so because he was faithful and had honor above and beyond anyone I have ever known.

What can I tell you about my mom.
Memories of my mom include:

* Her trying to drowned me in a bathtub.
* I wasn't yet in kindergarten when she fed me a spoonful of sugar.
(It was really Electrosol. I was rushed to the emergency room).
* I was not allowed into the kitchen. Ever. At 16, I didn't know how to scramble an egg.
* I was not fed. I waited for my dad to come home. He fed me. When my mom was feeling "generous", I would get a 2 oz. Dixie cup of room temperature water and the same size cup of dry roasted, unsalted peanuts, which allergies prevented me from eating.
* If I got nosebleeds at night (and I did frequently, from the allergies,) my mom would not comfort me. My mom would scrub the blood from my bed sheet with a sopping wet washrag. After this she would force me onto my stomach so she could beat me on my back with her fists. After that, I was made to lay on the cold wet sheet for the rest of the night.
* I was beat if I threw up.

If I got any attention from my mom at all, it was abusive or negligent.

I took care of my dad until the moment he passed away from cancer in 1997. After that, I was made caregiver for my mom. She does take meds, but she will never be "normal". I do not live with her, but I do everything for her. I have a sister who is 10 years older then me and lives less than 20 miles from us, but she washed her hands of our mother 35 years ago. (Another long-azz story.) She only sees my mom when someone in our family dies and we all show up at the funeral.

I managed to forgive my mom for the years of torment I suffered at her hands. She is a much nicer woman now. However...... she is demanding, stubborn, and completely unable to care about anyone but herself. She doesn't know how to write a check to pay a bill because she never had to, and she has no desire to learn. She calls me up to 30 times a day, and every single encounter I have with her, I walk away from heavy with guilt and depression. She rejects/refuses every plea I make that's in her best interest. She adamantly REFUSES to allow anyone else to help me care for her.

So, lately, (I am so ashamed to admit this...) I have been avoiding her. I leave my phone on the charger so I won't hear it ring. I have begun to disconnect from EVERYONE. I'm becoming increasingly isolated. She just overwhelms me so badly that I don't know if I can do this anymore.

I realized tonight that I am still reacting to her in the same way I did when I was a child. When I was in first grade, I would go to a friends house, showing up at the crack of dawn, and not leaving until they politely asked me to. I so dreaded going home to my mother. I remember sitting on their doorstep and crying. I was in my bedroom tonight and noticed my phone light up as it began to ring. It was my mom..... 40th call. And all at once, I felt that same feeling that I had on my friends porch all those years ago.

I thought we'd come so far. But if she won't allow me to get some help, then I feel my resentment is going to grow to the point where I am completely ineffective.

Phew. Thanks for listening.

Angels19, you've got some balls, dear. In a good - no a GREAT - way. I have typed up the same type of "list of offenses" before, in an attempt to possibly gain understanding about my parents, and never got the guts to post on here... makes me feel too vulnerable...

I think there's a lot of us that have endured these nightmares. The details may be different, the effect remains the same: we come out of childhood so scared and scarred it takes us awhile to get our bearings... and a lifetime of effort to keep working on those bearings...

I'm not looking to "pity party" with anyone. I want to leave all of "this" as far behind, and get it as far away from me, as possible. I just really don't know how its done.

I know that when you learn to ride a motorcycle, you learn to look in the direction to want to go... then your movement/body naturally follows. So I think, in some ways, by "looking back" to my dys childhood, I tend to "steer/drive" that direction when I actually want to do opposite.

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Did I mention I have appointment with psychiatrist on Aug 15? (--dry humor, I'm full of it) I'm looking forward to seeing if Mr. Doctor has anything they can add for my benefit. Not really looking for meds (and in fact, at this stage, would not accept or take them) but instead for chance to gain Understanding.

Bless us all. We deserve it. Phew, indeed.

SJ, I wrote you a long post about my background and the dysfunction of my family. I erased it. I got so depress just reading it. Bad memories. Just know that father before he became bedridden, was becoming more and more physically abusive on top of his verbal abusive and very controlling ways. He always aimed at my head when he punched me. Always when I'm busy changing mom's pampers and not paying attention to his fists. It got to the point that he was aiming more and more towards my face. It was as if he didn't care that I gave me a facial bruise and go to work showing it. Just like I think he broke mom's nose and that's why it's crooked. When I was around him, any sudden hand movements, and I jumped like a scared chicken. I literally jumped in fear. With heart beating so fast with fear. He would just stare at me when I reacted like this.

His Violence Escalated. His last violent act - truly violent scary act - was when he was so angry with me, that he physically came at me with his hands straight out (to choke me.) Suddenly, all my fear left me. I angled my body sideways, swung my right arm back, right hand held a fist, and I was ready to punch him as hard as I could...with my whole body behind it. I watched him approach me. I saw his eyes move to my arm, then back to my face. I did not say anthing at all. I just calmly stared right back at him - ready to meet him. He stopped. I saw the Shock on his face. What? He thinks that I'm going to be like vegetative-state mom and calmly stand there so that he can choke me? He may be my father, but I was prepared to punch him and run. He did try to punch me when he became bedridden. He found out first hand that when he punches me, it no longer reaches my face. No fun hitting me if he can't hit me in the head/face.

So now he threatens to call the police on me. Whatever.... I have put up so much from him. ABB, please don't take this the wrong way. But if my father ever calls the cops on me, it's time for me to go. Never mind the house and land. I cannot live with the constant fear of one day the prosecutor will decide to use me as an "Example" of elder abuse. No way. Not worth it. He calls the cops. I'm gone. My brothers have been persistently offering me to come live with them. I do believe they mean it. But, I will hang in here as long as I can.

SJ, I hid father's rifle. It's in my bedroom. He's had people looking all over the house for his rifle. No One goes into my room without my say so. But your father is more dangerous than mine. Because he has people helping him. You are more vulnerable than I am. I refused to give up my job for my parents. My job is my sanity and my safety net.

For now, can you start researching by phone your options? Several posters gave you some excellent advice. Start planning your future moves. You can call the women's shelter, speak to the coordinator or the one in charge, explain to her your situation and the options you have if you need to suddenly leave home.

Have a hidden place in your room for your Emergency kit - which will include some cash, extra clothing, your important documents like ID and certified birth certificates, etc...This is your Emergency Escape Kit. Where you can run in, grab, and flee the home. Have enough cash for a taxi, etc...

Once you have an idea of where to go, start finding ways to get back into the world of earning money. Go online and learn as much as you can on your field. Just do something that you are good at and can use for a part-time job. If you love coffee, all kinds of flavor, try to imagine yourself working at CoffeeBeanery. Google online or YouTube on how to do interviews. Learn to be enthusiastic and show why you would make a great team with your knowledge about the different coffee. Sad to say, but the young ones who do the Coffee Beanery sucks at sales. I ask about the different flavors and they just are sooooo bland, and not very communicative. Lousy sales people. I keep forgetting to go online and leave a comment on their website that they need to better train their counter people.
...* Just do baby steps. *

No worries, book, it was my mom - an "outsider," not my charge - that got police involvement. Its different. My father and I, largely, have a stable if dysfunctional dynamic. Love you, K. I'm getting "through this," too. My bet is on US at the end of the day. ;D {{HUGS}}

Angels19~I don't know how old you or the other new posters are but I can say that I am 55 yrs old, my mother is 84. I still have what I call PTSD....feelings and memories of the past...the triggers are my mothers verbal abuse even though she is mentally incapacitated due to Alz. and situations with people who are very aggressive in their beliefs. I suggest you Google setting boundaries and detaching with love in regards to dysfunctional families or google daughtersofnarcissisticmothers. I am not saying your mother has a personality disorder but the information on that site is very informing for anyone dealing with a parent who has a mental illness. It is a place to start arming yourself with information to help yourself, to learn you are a valuable person, worthy of having choices and a happy life. Welcome to this thread, you will get lots of support and valuable information to help yourself, lead you to sources for help and if it is a situation where you have to wait for your parent to decline further (sadly this happens) before you can get the help or have authority to step in to further help your parent, you will get it here!! Hugs you and I hope you come back, share more and vent if needed... it sure helps!!

Book. Thanks. Im not prepared to be homeless as a result of my father. I appreciate you post in so many ways. As well as angels an allisonbos. Im frightened and to go to er last night. I have helped both parents always been honest and loving. Im writing here because i dont know what i have no support system. Sorry to bother

I wouldn't want you to be homeless, either. If independence means just knowing that you can go to a woman's shelter, then so be it. Even if it's not a "Realistic" option, just having that option is something to hold on to when the going gets tough. I know what it's like the constant fear and putting up with it. I'm still here, aren't I? Most people told me to leave. I could not leave home and have father turn to mom with his anger. I stayed and put up with his abuses. I KNOW. All I'm saying is plan ahead. Call and learn. This way, when the going gets tough, and there are always THOSE..even though you and I will continue to stay and put up with it...at least we Know that we have something to fall back on if we Must. SJ, just have plans....even though deep down, we both know we would never do it. Yes, my brothers have offered their homes. They have been offering this for years. I never accepted it. I'm Still Here. We do what we have to do. But it doesn't mean that we don't have an Out Card. It's our False Sense of Security Out Card. Does that make sense?

Now that I said that, I will no longer encourage you to leave home. You have stated your stance. Now we will be supportive of you.

And SJ, You Are NOT a Bother!!! You come back and vent. {{HUGS}}

I have not posted much on this thread since I had initially posted my story. Fortunately I was able to leave our dysfunctional situation behind and moms dementia has taken away her dysfunction...it was never purposeful on her part but none the less, a crazy chaotic household I grew up in....she did hit me and yell n scream. just not with an evil or malicious intent, never demeaned me...
but there are scars there. I had said before, I left home at 15 to get away from her and all the crazy of my bro n dad. Once I began that adult life journey I came to realize her abusive behavior was purely frustration and depression of dealing with my Father n bro's who had serious issues and I chose not to live in that manner I separated myself from them...
I feel like I am not worthy to post her as I do not deal with dysfunction anymore
but I want you to know how strong and special all you are who do and have no other option...
the disease stole ma's dysfunction and we are a peaceful quiet household that was the luck we got I guess for putting up with it for all these years, we were given our reward:peace...but it was a hard road and I don't wish it on anyone...
I truly believe you all are SAINTS AND ANGELS for all you do...I do not feel worthy of this thread....as we do have challenges abound but not dysfunction. I feel at some point tho I will want and need that time away and want my life back.but for now this has been the best experience in me finding me and my inner peace I have searched for all my life! I found it and am grateful to my situation for leading me to it! If I didn't do what I do, give everything to mom, I may have not hit that lowest low and found what I found!

I share this to give you all hope and determination in your struggles and to also say even ever so painful it is to separate or leave the dysfunction behind whenever possible, even with friends, but I also know a lot of the time you cannot!!
Well again you all are special people and have my admiration and support!!! Hang in there!!
Peace
Juju

Cmagnum,

How are you doing?
I read about your mom having the kidney stone.
I will keep you and your's in my thoughts!
Please let us know about her progress.
Much Love & LIght! Margeaux

I am 56 years old ,and quit my job, gave up my house, to come to here and take care of my mother. Talk about a dysfunctional family. I have been with mom for 2 1/2 years.. I have a brother that lives in the same city we do, and a sister in Georgia.I have not had a day off in 21/2 years..Every time I talk about a day off,all hell breaks loose.
My mother does'nt feel like she should pay me, because after all, I have a roof over my head,and I don't have to pay rent. I said I would be happier in my car. My mother is the most rudest person I've ever met. She can smile and be happy with my brother or sister, but with me, no smiles no happiness ever. This is the hardest job I have ever done. And I've been in nursing since I was 16. I know I do a good job , and I know I will never get kudos, and thats ok, but It breaks my heart that she cant be happy with me. No one else in this family will do what Im doing. Any thoughts , I would love some feedback. Thanks everyone for understanding.
Warmly Jody M

Margeaux,

I'm doing fine. Mom's kidney stone is scheduled to get busted at 8:45 am which is much better than 5:45 am. The stone is 2 centimeters long which is big. She is very, very weak and hardly talks at all now. I'll let you know how things go tomorrow.

Just one comment on Honoring your parents. I did not make the rules. It is the second Commandment God gave and the only Commandment he promises us the gift of a long life it we honor it. No other Commandments come with a promise or gift and there are no exceptions to this rule.

I don't say this to be cruel or disagree but because of how important is to God. But, it does not mean we are to be abused or live with toxic parents. There are many ways to honor. And to me it is like God says we are to Love the Sinner but Not the Sin. And I believe we each know how to honor without being expected to be the primary caregiver. That is up to each personal circumstance and family situation. Some can live with their children or parents while I cannot. But, I will help my mother in any other way I can. I am not a Myrta and realize although I love my mother but know we could never live together. Our relationship has been too toxic.

But coming from a Dysfunctional and alcoholic family made me bitter and allowed me to blame my parents for more than their share of responsibility. I said I would never be like them, yet I made some of the same mistakes, as well as, my own. I have learned in later years how dysfunctional their own family was and how we are a product of our environment. I was not beaten but was lived in a very toxic and negative home. There was drinking and fighting and I did not get love the way I needed it. They found fault with everything I did and I could seem to do nothing right. I was ashamed of our home and did not have many friends until I was grown and on my own.

To honor our parents is to be thankful for giving us life and trying to love them the best we can and help them when we can. It does not mean living with them or them with us in a toxic environments and when it is too rough some must totally detach. We have to try and forgive and love them for making sure we had a roof over our head and food to eat. My mother is narcissistic and a difficult person to love and my father had a terrible temper, which I work on every day of my life so not to be like him. He died of cirrhosis of the liver when I was only 23 yrs old because he had a stroke and would not give up drinking. But, I still miss him after all these years. My mother and I just made peace two years ago but I always tried so hard to "Make her Love me" when she was not capable of showing affection and I am highly affectionate. We never seemed to agree on anything until she has become like the child and I am responsible for her but never could I allow her to live with us. I have helped support her but could never live with her.

Things are not perfect with us but much better and I think I understand why she is like she is now and this helps me to understand she does not like the way she is either. So, I try to honor and love her and have forgiven her as God has forgiven me. I do hope those of you who still carry the angry and bitter feelings will try and understand why I feel I should honor my mother as God commanded. She took care of my grandfather, her father. He lived with us from his late fifties until he passed away at 84 and mother is 91 so I can see her long life as a blessing from caring for her father who was dysfunctional as well.

Unconditional Love and Forgiveness are the most wonderful gifts we possess. Especially when we allow God to help us and show us the way to true peace and joy in our lives in spite of what happened to us as children. And I am happy that I no longer feel the anger and blame and bitterness I did all my life. I am trying to take responsibility for my own actions, faults and mistakes and understand my parents did the best they could under their circumstances.

We can dwell on the past or let it go, but if we can forgive, we are the winners of life's most difficult situations. I wish each of you the power of healing from within and love it takes Unconditional Love to forgive and move forward. Onward!

My love and prayers are with each of you who are still struggling with these most difficult situations we have faced and will continue to face in our day to day lives. Life will never be just what we want or perfect, but it can be so much more peaceful without the hate, blame and bitterness we have all experienced in dysfunctional homes. My love and prayers are with each of you.

Sunny:)

scmoonbeam,

would you mind if I posted this on my fb page, or sent it in a private message to my children? Your beliefs/situation seems similar to mine, and I want my children to see that they CAN come out of this situation with love and their faith in God intact, instead of blaming him and being full of anger. Please let me know, because I don't want to offend you if you don't want me to pass this along.
Thanks, and hugs to you!
Kristi

Juju, just wanted to comment about your feeling that you have little to offer in the way of participating in this thread, since your dysfunctional situation isn't a current, ongoing one...

But I don't think we ever truly LEAVE dysfunctionality, do we? Once we are born into it, conditioned with it... and if you've learned to move beyond it, this IS the very thing I, personally, can benefit from hearing about.

So just wanted to reach out to you and encourage you... that if you feel that you WANT to participate still in this thread, I can only benefit from reading about how you learned to cope and overcome in your situation. ;D

Juju~I understand how you feel about moving beyond dysfunctional. After spending 4 years in therapy, changing how I think and respond to others, setting boundaries, I still feel I have so much to learn and so much to offer others on their journey. I hope you contribute here simply because you have much to offer just as a caregiver who is no long caregiving has much to offer. Hugs to you dear girl!!

I just want to say that sometimes people confuse the idea of detaching as cutting your family out of your life. This is not what it means. It means that you detach emotionally from your abusive family members and setting boundaries is essential in detaching. I started detaching from my parents in my twenties. I continued to have a relationship with them but it was not an emotional relationship...it was more like a business relationship. This allowed me to think more logically instead of emotionally. I had to do this because my mother would try to bring me into her and my father's fights which were partly alcohol related and then my mother (even today), can't accept people making normal mistakes...she excepts other's to be perfect, yet if she makes a mistake, it is understandable, she is only human.

Scmoombeam~Your post is a beautiful tribute how you have been able to over the dysfunction of your family of origin. I am happy to hear that you have made peace with the past and how you have been able to provide such loving care to your mother. It is a hard journey, isn't it? A big Hug for you my friend!!

i would like to add, with no disrespect to your journey....honoring our parents can be different to different people. I much say that in all the years I went to church, participated in adult classes, the subject of honor our parents was never covered. That is a shame!! To me, honoring my parents means that I have past as little of the dysfunction on to my children as possible. It means that I can caregive for my mother, who is not only mentally ill, but has Alzheimer's as well. I like you, cannot live with my mother or she with me due to her mental illness, which does continue to come to the surface. I honor my mother by seeing that she gets the best care available, being involved in her life, teaching my children to do the same...but boundaries are still necessary. Even though I am emotionally detached, I love her. I want the best for her, and yes, I still cry many times because I am still healing. I want to thank you for letting me post this because it has been therapy for me. Again a big hug to you and all you have gone through and are still dealing with.

Alison -
I don't know much about your mother, but I understand that she is difficult but wants to be close. Would it be possible for you to tell her that you want to be friends with her, but not have her in your house? If you just met her for lunch, maybe you two could enjoy each other as people, not as mother and daughter.

Just a suggestion, which is probably off the mark.

Its a super duper, way on the mark suggestion Jinx. Thank you for making it.

I had previously suggested this very thing to my mother... that we make "play dates" with each other... things that have planned activities, such as beauty salon/spa or museums... my mom really enjoys museums, art exhibits...

But unfortunately, since I am "stuck" in the day to day of constant live in caregiving, she has taken it upon herself to come up to the city I live in, to "help out," and usually spends a night or two. And she just "acts out" and gets into everything, frustrates me, and we end up in conflict.

I did tell her, in the letter I sent her recently, that I wanted a relationship with her, just that now, during stressful caregiving, it may not be a time I can do this.

But... I'm glad you brought this idea up again, Jinx. I am planning a trip to Indianapolis, where she and my bros live, because I have to meet with elder atty and figure out some details for dad's upcoming move/transition to Indy. My trip is in about a week and I certainly could ask my mom out for a lunch date. I think that is a GREAT idea. ;D

I am so effin depressed. It feels too vulnerable to me to go into why, but I just am. It's one thing to have an aging parent who needs help, it's another thing when said parent and entire family are insane and always have been. I never had a shot at a normal life not in the beginning, not now in the middle, and at the end then I'll just be alone and old with no one to give me even one one hundredth of what I've already given them.

Whirlpool-when you feel more comfortable come back and share more info. My heart goes out to you. Hugs!

Cmag-thank you for the update on your mother. Prayers and positive thoughts going to you. Let us know how the procedure goes tomorrow!

Thank you so much Sharynmarie, there's a remote chance a family member of mine might read this so I unfortunately cannot say more than generally my family is insanely dysfunctional and the distance I need to stay sane is no longer achievable now that caregiving is involved even though it's only long-distance right now. When I created the whirlpool avatar I couldn't decide if I was the whirlpool or if I'm in the whirlpool. Now I think it's me stuck in the whirlpool being sucked down the drain. Sorry to be so melodramatic perhaps this will pass.

Wbirlpool-jam really big on setting boundaries with dysfunctional family members and detaching with love. You can tootle these tern
Ms to learn more even though the examples given may not apply but the principles of how to do it do apply. Hang in there, my heart goes out to you.

So sorry. Kindle likes to autocorrect in strange ways..should be. I am not jam and google not tootle..though kindles version is funnier!

{{laughing}} Oooh, Sharyn, I still remember that one time your Kindle changed a lot of your post. I laughed so hard, my stomache hurt. I Think I had copied and pasted it into my FUNNY file. =)

Book-i was thinking about that too! It was funny. I think we should start a thread where everyone types using a kindle or other device with autocorrect. It would be a great stress reliever!

I don't know. My own Kindle correction was sooooo embarrassing! I wanted to type "No extramarital sex in the marriage bed" and the Kindle came up with "No excitement in the marriage bed." Now posters here will think I'm such a Prude!

cmag -do let us know how the procedure works out
too funny sharyn and book! I like tootle!
but not your situation whirlpool. I agree with sharyn -inform yourself and set boundaries. You are not being melodramatic - dysfunctional families are full of drama of the unhealthiest kind.
Alison - In the last few years, I have tended towards seeing my mother in public rather than private. I find it helps.
Margeaux -glad you surfaced - keep in touch
Austin - your feedback is very helpful - glad you and the bf are doing well, even if the cat isn't. My cat gets more and more vocal as he ages. I can hardly hear anyone on the phone when he is "yelling".
juju - the "flood" could be a blessing in disguise, but I would not want to be dealing with what you are - I think you are doing very well with it - lots of ingenuity.
in the airport waiting for a connection, no phone calls, keep your fingers crossed for me
love and hugs - Joan

On my drive up to the hospital today for my mother's kidney stone surgery, I received a phone call that it had been postponed from 9:45 to 2:30 which they did not even call me about. My step-dad's helper called me with the news for she had called the rest home to make sure when the surgery was scheduled for. Evidently, the machine they used to break up kidney stones travels around in a truck which broke down today. Later today, I got a call that her surgery is rescheduled for August 5th at 5:45 am. What a mess. I had a dental appointment for that day which I've already changed. After getting up at 6:15 am, I've felt tired all day long. When I got home, I went back to bed for a bit.

As far as how my mother is doing, she is still like she was when she came back from the hospital after having twisted bowels and a bad UTI. Her dementia has worsened. She hardly talks at all now and has told her husband and his helper that she has nothing more to say to them. She sleeps more than she did and otherwise mainly lays there with her eyes shut like she's waiting to die just like her mom did. She can't half feed herself when they bring her a meal and has problems holding a drink in her hands. The CNAs now help her eat and drink.

I'm glad to report that I'm not having flashbacks about my past like I was at one time which is nice.

Scmoon, I really appreciate that you took the time to put into words what caring for/caregiving to/honoring our parents "looks like" for you. I've read the post a few times now and each time I think I pick up more of the subtle feelings/descriptions of what you're trying to say this experience, of what learning to love - and live with - dys parents, is like for you. Its taken me a few times of reading to absorb it because, frankly, my gut reaction is to dismiss it all together because God is intricate to it.

It happens that in my case, my mother raised me with organized religion to the extreme. And in fact, religion/God played a huge role in my unhappiness/torture as a child. I'll give you a couple of examples:

When I was age 5, my mother took me to a "Satanic rock and roll" seminar. I knew more about demons, demonic possession, pentagrams, backward masking than any 5 year old should. It took me until I became a teenager to stop being terrified of the dark based on my idea that demons were around me everywhere.

My Saturday afternoons in grade school were spent in a picket line of a pornography store. I learned to believe that sexual images are evil, and sexuality in general was evil.

I learned the "birds and the bees" in 4th grade, after attending a child sexual abuse seminar with my mother and the word "vagina" was used. I didn't know what it meant so later I asked my mother and she gave me the basics on the birds/bees. - I distinctly remember learning to believe that tongue kissing was "nasty" after hearing it described, as happening between an adult and an infant, at this seminar. They talked about putting semen in baby's bottles at this seminar. This is the kind of stuff no ADULT should be hearing about, much less a child! -

There were many other age-innapropriate, fear-mongering seminars: abortion, political/religious stuff (militia type stuff), and lots and lots of tent revivals where a person's certain eternal torture in Hell could only be evaded by an emotional experience of "coming to Jesus" ...

I was made to attend church services 4 times per week, I attended church school from preschool thru 12th grade. And being in this extremely religious environment all the time, I was further demeaned and terrified by youth pastor's, deacons, Sunday school teachers, judgmental/hateful other mothers...

Were there some good people around in my church, too? Sure. Just far too many crazy bad ones and it doesn't take a lot of bigotry and zealots and outright lunatics to make an impressionable child scarred, scared, trapped, HURTING. And it was the religion that was driving all this evil in people around me... religion was giving them a reason to be in judgment of me, and be justified in their actions, no matter how off base and fundamentally illogical/irrational... not to mention just flat out MEAN.

My Sunday school teaching/choir singing stepdad used to beat on my brothers, throw them around, man handling them, on Sunday afternoons, in between church services. My mother did the same to me. Beat me to the point that my stepdad, who hated my guts, threatened to call child services on her. I actually did field the most vicious physical attacks, not my brothers. There's nothing quite like the viciousness of a deranged, hate-filled woman who wants to take out her frustration and anger on a smaller one that is defiant of her. I was badly assaulted on many occasions by my God-fearing mother. And this violence was excused, even largely in my own mind at the time, because the Bible speaks about corporal punishment... "spare the rod, spoil the child." I'm sure it didn't mean "choke out your daughter on the floor while straddling her." But the Bible causes me great frustration because it IS up to the reader to interpret correctly... and some (I would argue MANY) human beings just don't seem capable of making judgment calls about physical abuse/violence... so I, personally, much prefer the "just don't put your hands on anyone, ever, in anger or as a form of correction" approach.

My sexual molestation as a young child was largely tolerated and dismissed as unimportant, and my stranger-rape as a 19 year old was met with the accusation that I somehow deserved it, all by my "Christian" mother.

She has, at times, apologized to me for her behavior. But her unwillingness to do ANYTHING ELSE towards taking responsibility for her actions besides "praying about it" is part of the problem, not the solution.

So please understand that for me, there is no room in my heart for any of God's commandments. But, I can be a decent humanist and continue to do the right things without involving religion.

And I apologize to other readers that really don't need to read about this level of negativity with regard to my bitter childhood events. I'm sorry that it happened to me, I'm sorry that the same, but different, happened to you.

I just want to communicate to some of my friends on here why God's commandments cannot be part of my approach to setting boundaries with family. I know that many of you are faith-filled, wonderful human beings. And I don't mind, at all, listening to someone describe their beliefs. I do not judge other's choices of spiritual beliefs. I think spirituality is thee most personal of choices and I would never presume to tell someone who/what/when/why/how/where about this area. And I do believe in the "power of prayer" and I do occasionally pray... But I pray to a Benevolent Universe who, I believe, has already designed a Wonderful System where I can find answers and thrive without needing more specifics spelled out for me. I see Karma in action around me every single day. Its enough of a deterrent/reward system for me, personally.

Scmoon, I hope you can "feel" what I'm saying here in the loving, respectful way that its meant. I have a lot of love in my heart for human beings. I love any other human that makes me think, feel, takes time to share with me what is important and defining to them, allows me to share what's important/defining to me... And so I do, really, love all you guys that give me so much via these AC threads! To me, this is what love between human beings is about... finding ways to respect differences of beliefs and come out on the other side still supporting the person and their ideas/decisions they've arrived at based on their own infinitely personal Journey through this Life.

I probably should go through and edit this emotional post and make sure I'm communicating with the right words, but I'm too spent at this point, lol! This stuff is just "harshing my mellow" right now. I am conditioned to be mentally/emotionally repulsed by anything of Christianity/Organized Religion because my hurt is so great and my experience so bad. That's horrible, isn't it? I do believe that Christ existed and was a phenomenal humanitarian and spiritual leader in his day... I just don't know what happened in the past 2000 years that people now turned it into... THIS... all around me... Or even what happened to my mother's Greek Orthodox religious upbringing, where largely traditions and positive ideas are emphasized... how did she go from that to the Crazyland that I was raised in? I don't know. So I just do without the whole ball of wax that is Organized Religions.