The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

I've been reading and reading about you all everyday, trying to get over the past week of trama with my husband. I was devastated. I was convincing myself that he had Sundowners but the VA said meds and they were right. The seizure medicine for his brain injury had to be adjusted. Now all is well. So very scary. I did not sleep Tuesday night, Wednesday night, Thursday night or Friday night. My husband was confused and out of his head every night for about 4 hours. VA doctor Friday and Thursday ER doctors wore us out. What a nightmare. Saturday, Sunday, and Monday nights were very normal, thank GOD! It feels like a miracle to me. I am so very happy! This must be another test and I am going to pass it.
He still has short term memory lost, but I will deal with it and never complain again.
Now I know how bad it could be. ( I think the Lord was trying to show me this.)
I love you all very much and pray for you all daily. GOD is so faithful and never lets me down. I am nothing without Him. I give Him all the praise and all the glory! My 92 year old Mother has been an angel. She also had a taste of how bad it could be while my husband and me were gone to hospital and VA. She was with my two daughters and my grandchildren taking shifts with her at our home. She did say she was wore out and glad everything was back to as normal as normal can be.

Thank You, sharynmarie, Thank You, Scmoon, Thank You, Margeaux, Thank You, cmag, Thank You, emjo, Thank You, austin, Thank You, juju, Thank You, Jinx, Thank You, book, Thank You, ladee...

Now I know what they mean at the Grammy's when they say "and anyone else I forgot to thank... you all mean so much"

I'm just really grateful for all of you and your willingness to share about your own experiences.

I was just so darn excited about my "breakthrough" (a good baby step, for sure) and wanted to share... I don't know if it was the prayers that helped, or just because I put in the "work"...

I don't care who/what gets credit for the good, sane day I just managed to have, regardless of mom's unwanted visit. I'm just so relieved, and so thankful, that it happened.

Just wanted to add a little something that may or may not be helpful to someone else...

The biggest idea that my bro emphasized with me, in dealing with our mom, is to keep your words/answers very short... answer in "yes or no," don't give her anything else... now that sounds drastic, but I just accepted his input 100% and said "I'll do it." I just communicated in one-syllable, one- and two-word answers, pretty much, to my mom for her "visit" of several hours... she didn't seem put off by it in the least! Lol! Everything on "her end" was business as usual, she asked one zillion questions about one zillion topics and made one zillion assumptions... none of which are any of her business and could be drama-inflaming topics if I let them... meanwhile I'm deeply focusing on just keeping the response to absolute, basic minimum! But it worked!

I'm like you, emjo, I'm a "noisy desperate" person, too! My heart is directly connected to my mouth, lol, and if I'm hurt or offended, I can easily began to fall into old emotionally defensive patterns with my mom... where I'm trying so hard to get her to see how she's hurting me, see how her actions affect me... but I tried that way for many years... so... it is what it is... no more trying to "explain myself" to my mother... and that is, really, a sad idea not a triumphant one... mother and I can never be friends, but I'm hoping we can be friendly...

Alison,

I am so happy for you that your day went well.
Taking the baby steps is very important to any kind of change.
It's rather interesting also, if you read about narcissists, if I remember correctly....there's info. regarding that it's of no use to explain and give these long winded reasons about anything. Since they are so at the forefront of what they want they'll never listen to you.

We who are on the receiving end, have to realize that we must change our reaction to them. You did this by noting you have been possibly becoming emotional. Remember...try to keep those emotions in check, it's really a discipline. If you don't then this is when it goes into choosing and picking the battles. This is fun, and very draining.

You're in my thoughts, Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Alison,

I meant to say: "This is no fun, and very draining.

Margeaux

Alison,

On a very basic level regarding your father's doctor's appointments,
if I may ask...do you have MPOA, or POA of your father's affairs?
I'm a visiting caregiver of mom w/ALZ. My sister lives w/her and has MPOA.
I've never been invited to a doctor's visit for mom. I definitely do not have the right either to talk to one of her doctors about mother's health.
Anyway, I was thinking of this....say if you had MPOA, and only you, this may limit your mom from taking your dad to his appointments through another channel. O.K., wishful thinking on my part, so you could have some peace.
Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Alison~You are awesome!!! Way to go girl, I am so happy for you and proud you handled things the way you did♥ Hugs to you!!

I know counseling, therapy and meds helped me in 1983 when I had a severe depression. I had left the church for about ten years and was very confused and bitter, but then my husband had an affair with a girl 18 yrs and my eighteen yr old daughter had gotten pregnant and involved with a family I had issues with. My phyciatrist actually told to me to go back to my higher power Jesus,plus all of the other tools they taught me use again to fight the depression. It worked. I started healing and my new grandaughter was a gift from GOD. We need to realize how strong we can become through our believe in Jesus. I had to learn how rough the world is and to make the best of it. I learned to take myself lightly. Don't sweat the small stuff and strive to make a difference. Love and prayers, Joyce

Excuse the spelling and typos. I loved your poems! I love all of you strong people and you are awesome. Keep on keeping on! Love to all! Joyce

Alison, I'm sooo glad for you that it all came out well! Good advice from bro. I was wondering if you were planning to tell us what he told you. But, you answered my unasked question. ABB, I think you are a very very very strong person. Despite all these terrible things you went thru as a child and a blooming adult, you were able to overcome it and still remain a loving, caring person. And you're constantly moving forward trying to heal yourself.

Truthfully, it's because of you and others here who keep saying that therapy has helped you all, that I'm going to Try therapy again. I just need to be careful that the therapist does not go against God or comes in conflict with my religious beliefs. Otherwise, I must end our therapy. Just because my religion tentatively Okayed therapy, I UNDERSTAND the hidden meaning. I've been seriously thinking of this all day. And I still am dragging my feet about therapy. I got a call today from them. Asked a lot of questions and will see if they can find for me a female therapist. Sigh..... We will see how this goes.

Thanks everyone. I read here but rarely comment. I almost always end up feeling so sad when I read here. By the time I'm done with catching up, I no longer feel like writing to anyone. It's not you guys fault or anything. I think by reading your words, it's somehow chipping against my memory block of my own childhood. Your words and my mind's determination NOT to remember the past. So much conflict within. NO, I will NOT discuss my childhood when i go to therapy. I'm fine now. Those awful memories will push me over the edge. I cannot afford for it to come out.

Alison, I really really do admire you! I try my best not to compare myself to you. You are so proactive, and I am just so determined to hide my head under the darn sand. You go charging forward. I have to be dragged, resisting and getting angry...before I finally stop resisting, think, and then agree that you all are right all along. It's just soooo tiring when I am constantly fighting against every new thing. Later....

Sharynmarie,

How are you doing? There have been quite a few new posters here, and I had a hard time following everyone's stories. This took me several days just to catch up and read all of them.

How is your mom doing these days, and all of your family?
I hope all is well, and congratulations about the completion of the painting.
Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Hi Margeaux~ Thank you for asking about my mom. She is thriving physically, but still having big issues with us since she was moved to live in the memory care unit. I really think most of it is because we had to take the dog away from her. I haven't been able to get to visit as much as I usually do because of my work schedule. They, in memory care, moved the woman who was next door to mom because mom was fighting with her accusing her of stealing her cosmetics and an afghan. LOL!!...in the meantime mom is sneaking into other residents rooms making phone calls to us!

Yes, the room is finally painted and I love the color. Still need to paint the woodwork and get new molding strips. Eventually I want to put laminate flooring in. The fun part will be when I can decorate it.

Over all I am doing great!! We will be going to Idaho in Sept. to visit our daughter and sil. I am looking forward to a week away. My sister is doing better, she is taking a different antidepressant so no more hallucinations. Brother and his wife are doing as well as can be expected after losing their son and sil's mother so close together.

Yes, I am glad to see new posters on the thread, they all have so much to offer all of us!!

How are you doing Margeaux? Is everything going well for your mom and sister? I hope your brother is making some headway on getting a new job. Amazon is opening a distribution center near us so many people are applying. I hope your neighbor is better.
Hugs to you, enjoy the upcoming weekend!

Allison-I am glad you found something that works-yes baby steps are the way to go-once you make a plan and it works no matter how small empowers you to make bigger steps and you will be more in control-and the advice from your brother is good-short answers usually work and if you feel in control that is good-it takes practice but get easier as you go along-your experience will help other that is whate makes this form so great.

Thank you for all of the "attagirls" and support, it means a lot.

Margeaux, in my particular case, I'm not sure that obtaining MPOA/POA is what I want to do. I'm here at my dad's house in a "transitioning period." My father will never be able to be "on his own" again, but I'm trying to figure out exactly what next step is. I meet with elder attorney next week and should know much more after that. But I get the gist of what you're saying. ...and another cold reality for me is, even if I WERE documented POA, that wouldn't help keep my mom for "coming for a visit." I just don't see how I can keep my mom from butting in...
which leads me to another tip younger bro gave me...

He said "do not only communicate with mom when she is initiating it, placate her with regular phone calls and her need to be involved in your life will be satisfied and she will not be so intrusive."

I got what he was trying to say here. So today, even though I don't necessarily "want to," I called my mother and left her a voicemail telling her I was calling to tell her how my dad's urology appointment went today, if she wanted to know. I'll try this and see if this method, of regularly reaching out to communicate to her, along with keeping my words very terse, is what it takes for her to feel "involved" without needing to do these visits that feel very forced on me and are so disruptive.

And it was a looooong day at VA urology clinic with dad. The major VA med facility in Chicago is just so busy, and seems so discombobulated. But truly, the technicalities of caregiving, like taking my dad to his many Dr's appts, for ME, are nothing compared to the emotional toll and battles at times.

But I'm getting through it and I'm learning a LOT... and it was "due"... its time I learned to deal with these foundational emotions I was conditioned with.

And book, these areas are HARD to address. Don't be discouraged in the least that you feel so dragged down when you try to take a step towards dealing with them. But I do believe we are capable of "coming out the other side" feeling like someone who owns their own destiny... and settling into a life that is more peaceful than it was before... Maybe, book... maybe dredging up this stuff while you are still caregiving to your father isn't a good idea... maybe just use therapy, right now, to help you deal with sibling issues and resentment/hurtful issues overall... but save the more painful emotional work for a future day... and don't worry about it too much at all right now... just get a little support from therapy for where you are now, and leave the intense stuff for a time when you are ready... and maybe, book, you are never ready... the point is for us to live happy and free. Its just that for me, I felt like I was being tied down to people I didn't "belong to" anymore. I'm NOT just my parents' child! I want my freedom and I needed to claim it emotionally. I'm still not "there," of course. But its nice to be taking some steps.

Emjo! "Extreme Self Care!" You're speaking my language! I want to hear more about what this means to you, when you have time to go into it more. So far, I've found the courage and strength to deal with this big "pile of poo" that is caregiving to dys parents by adopting a lot of self care habits. Before those habits, I was getting crushed. My self care is physical (like juicing, exercise, breathing exercises) and mental (like mindfulness, meditation, "accentuating the positive," having compassion). I'm def not going for sainthood with this stuff... it just happens that I've found out how much it really helps me and so I do it "as necessary" now...

Take care all, hope everyone had a good day. :)

Hi Joyce (college) -you have been through a lot. I am glad you have the answer regarding your husband and that it is his meds. God works in mysterious ways... (((((hugs)))))
Alison - I am so glad you had a better day. Totally agree with your bro - keep comments and information very simple. I have found that sharing little gives them less ammunition -both my sis and my mum. You see the crisis my mother created when sis told her I was on holiday. it has happened before. She MUST be the center of attention. Now, some good will come of it as she has a geriatrician now, and is on a drug for paranoia. The benefit of moving somewhere else will only last a short while. I told her I will answer one email a week, and on the average do about that. However, it isn't enough for her. I will post about extreme self care. In this situation a main focus is emotional self care as well as the others you mention. I will expand later.
sharyn - I am so sorry for the experience you had from your church. I know you are not alone in that. I know others who have gone through the same kind of condemnation. My experience was more total lack of support when I was going through some difficult times. I felt like an outsider, not that I had felt much like an insider at any time. There seemed to be cliques in the church, and if you didn't fit, too bad.
packing up to leave today - will be home late tonight. I have finally caught up on the sleep I missed last week, though haven't done any sight seeing - may try to fit some in this morning. Would be a shame not to.
cmag - Sorry to hear that your mum is declining. Hope your wife goes through the surgery OK, and you hold up through it all.
Austin - glad to see your valuable contributions
Margeaux - hope all is peaceful with your family, and your neighbour.
book - you are in a hard place. I have always found it better to face stuff. go through the pain and then move on, but we are all different, and you have to do what is good for you. If you do bring it up, you won't go over the edge - but I know it feels like it and is scary.
Everyone - hope I haven't missed anyone - take care of you - do something good for you today (((((hugs)))) and prayers Joan

Joan your insights are as always right on. It was amazing how my church which is really a good reformed church or rather the membership did not get what I was going through taking care of the husband I only asked two things someone to drive the 5 miles to my house and take him to church once or twice a month and to give me a call once in a while so I could talk to a normal person-it was like I was invisible as a caregiver.

Sharynmarie,

Didn't your mother claim her Afghan was missing when she was in ALF?
HAAH! This is interesting. She sounds very active.
Well I'm glad she's where they can care for her, I'm sure they know how to deal with this.

Thanks also for asking about my mom. She's doing good, w/in what it means nowadays. It's been a little over 3 mos. now, since the gall bladder surgery.
The good thing is she's stopped having pain in her lower back, and the eating seems to be back on track.

I had to come to real terms with my sister's need to manipulate. This came out already several times when she had me go to mom's for supposed absent caregiver back up. You know I'm will to do this, but I don't like how my sister goes about it, coming home feeling lack of appreciation, and being cornered into doing extra time there, when It's done on the fly. I have done this by no being in so much phone communication with her. I have to put the brakes w/her, what can I say of Ms. Controller. Plus, she has a co-dependency dynamics between she & daughters, and it gets meshed into mom's caregiving. This has been escalating very recently because her eldest daughter now has the two babies. Of course my sister needs to be involved IMO, way too much with all of that, and even her other daughter. I refuse to be dragged into any of that, it's their choices, and they're a bunch of drama queens.

I used to have this idea, since I'm not the primary CG, living in mom's home.....
feel guilty about the amount of time obviously my sister puts in there, vs., mine.
But I'm getting over all of this, thinking "oh it's all warm and fuzzy, blah di blah....
but then I feel drained mentally after each time I have been there. Weird, how it's not the actual having to be there with mom, but having to absorb all of their bad moods, non=transparency, etc. In summary....emotional detachment.
Plus again, I know my sister doesn't in any way shape or form, ever put any of this kind of dynamics upon our two brothers, Why? Because she's bought into all the gender bias.

Speaking of my brothers, well the youngest, (he lost job of 29 yrs.)
he has been working for another company, a chain store. We were really relieved about this, and it's in his same field. I know this was very difficult for him, but he got right out there, and was really lucky too. I know this economy hasn't recovered.

Oh! my neighbor.....I've been keeping some distance with her also.
I don't like the changes in her personality when she drinks. I'd been really helping her out, when her daughter couldn't take her to some serous appts. this last year.
As I've said before her daughter only throws her a bone every now and then.
After about 3 big appts.,she started to hint that maybe I take her to more.
I would, but sometimes I basically can't later listen to her cattiness, and other clumsy things she says. The other thing I considered, well, if I keep being available to take her, the daughter is NEVER going to be concerned about her mother. Not like that is going to change, but oh well! My neighbor is a space case too. Sometimes when I've been with her, I find it hard to focus afterwards. I don't have time for this nonsense.

I'm so happy for you, and your sister that her medications are working for her.

Your trip will be great, you'll be able to take a much deserved breather, and have fun with your daughter. I remember you wrote about some cool girl things you both did. All right, take care.. some big hugs, & Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Emjo...my oldest sister went for counseling. She didn't finish it because the remembering was getting too traumatic for her to handle. She quit without finding an end or solution to handle this great hatred/anger towards the parents. She basically cut off communication for over 13 years. She visited but did not talk to them or look at them. I remember seeing the hatred in her eyes. When I asked her for help 2 yrs ago with the parents, I did not think she would agree.

I have a very very bad temper. I've struggled all of my life to control it. Let me just say this....I am soooooo glad that I have a very super sensitive conscience. I do my best to LISTEN to my conscience. I RARELY goes against my conscience. If one keeps ignoring your conscience, you deaden it. And so I Listen to my conscience. Because Emjo, there is a part of me that survived my childhood that is Very Heartless. When I lose my temper, all of conscience disappears. While growing up, when cornered by my siblings, my sensitive person retreats, and the ruthless person comes out. I have experienced it several times when I was watching my actions from within. The scary part was from within, is the intense fear disappears, and I can hear myself thinking Very Calmly, with No Anger, over and over.."Aim for the head, aim for the head. You do not feel the punches. Just aim for the head." ... and there are other incidents that made me realize how it is very very dangerous of me to have any anger/hatred towards family or strangers. I Do Not Want the Ruthless Person to Come Out!!! Emjo, I do not want to spend the rest of my life in prison. As long as I maintain my temper/anger/hatred, I'm Fine. Hence my need for counseling to help me handle the home front and not have the anger build up. Truly, I am sooooo greatful that I have a super sensitive conscience.

Bookluvr -
That part of you that says "aim for the head" is a part of you that wants to survive. That part has helped you survive. You are right not to let it hit anyone, but you might occasionally thank it for trying to protect you.

I'm sorry your life is so hard. The more I learn about other families, the more grateful I am for my own.

Hmmm. What you said makes sense to me, Jinx. A lot of what we did/do is a response to threat, perceived or real. I'm so aware right now that I got into certain emotional patterns of behavior very young, and they were developed to help me handle all the chaos and bad feelings being brought up in me... to protect me, like you said.

Now that I'm "all grown up," I feel very empowered to re-visit these emotional/behavioral patterns and get rid of ones that I don't want and don't serve any purpose anymore in my fabulous life as Adult Alison. But, book, you've been in your "childhood home situation" for a long time, haven't you? So don't be hard on yourself about why you feel the emotions you feel. They ARE there for a reason.... your survival, like Jinx said.

I think the reason I'm so ready to deal with these emotions now is that I understand, from being "away" for some time, that these feelings have little to do with the person I really am. Book, I hope you get the chance someday (soon! lol!) to have a life away from your dad and realize that you, Adult Karen, aren't just the little girl you were conditioned to be because of your surroundings/parents. And you aren't just the person that your island, or your religion tells you you are, either. YOU can decide and interpret for yourself what those emotions and feelings mean. And just by virtue of your being involved in these threads, I think the rest of "us" KNOW that you are a really great, fabulous, wonderful, decent, kind, caring, thoughtful, feeling, empathetic, soulful, beautiful person. But this doesn't matter until you know it, too. So I hope you are able to get some therapy, and I hope this time the therapist is able to help you find your way through some of this rubble that is just leftover feelings from a bad childhood.

Oh, book, btw, whether you get therapist or not, keep venting as much or as little as you want about the crappy family stuff here on DYS thread. This is a good thread for people like "us." ;D

Thanks for the support, and encouragement to stay involved here. I do think at some point since I just had my major breakthrough since joining hear in May that I will still have waves of pain and ptsd once this honeymoon period wears off so I will stay here....but I just skimming now I am literally swamped, lol, Our home is under a major water damage repair, since last Friday. I had to pack up and move to a hotel and been crazy ever since! I lost the whole week just moving (in the heat) and keeping mom cool and taken care of, and managing these morons packing my home! what a nitemare I am thouroughly exhausted!!
Hang in there, love to you all!
Peace,
Juju

Thanks Jinx, ABB. Have a lousy headache. And still need to pay bills.

By the way, ABB, my laptop has this sticker on it. Powerful Intel Core 2 Duo Processor. I've had it for about 6 years now. My very first laptop crashed within a year. I Googled about it and found out that I needed to get a fan or elevate it so that the air flows move below it. So, with this new laptop, I'm using TWO protections. Bottom is the elevated tray. Then on top (between the bottom tray and the laptop) is the fan. It's still getting hot so I figured it's getting old and is ready to retire. I've recently used the Click Free external Hard drive to copy into it my photos and documents and Calibre files. I think.... I don't know how to use it. Oh well.... later...

Book, I guess what I was trying to say in my last post was if You Want to bring some of the heavier things on your heart here... to this thread... I know everyone would try to give you some pointers and pieces to your puzzle. You already know of course that you can vent away... you have a lot in your heart... I know that... take it to your therapist or bring some of it here. Nothing is as bad as we think it is once we put it in the light... But it will have repercussions for a time.

Book, good idea to back up the files. Another idea for you is to regularly delete all Internet files, and have an installed anti-virus software that is regularly updated. The heat is pretty normal but you're doing good to try to keep it cooler. I have a newer Mac laptop and even it gets warm from time to time. I'm pretty Nazi-ish about keeping it clean from extra unknowns. ;D

And YES, mama book, its 5:30 here and I should be asleep, lol! =) I had an unexpected night out, and now will have a challenging Friday because of the late hours, but that's ok... ;D

ABB, when you say to "regulary delete all internet files" , what do you mean? Is it my files that I made from Word or Excel? Or when I go online and have all these "favorite" sites?

Book, which version Windows do you use, and which browser? I can find out how to clean out your temporary Internet files. These aren't anything you made and it's not when you save favorites. But it does clog down one's computer and is something that you can clean up.

Duh, book, I'm so silly... you are so resourceful with searching stuff online... search how to delete all your temporary internet files... all the cookies, spyware type stuff... you may have to reenter usernames and passwords into websites, but small price to pay for keeping the clutter off our computers.

Just before I downloaded my files into the Click Free External, I went online, and cleaned my cache (Tools, Delete Browsing History). Is that it? I use the regular internet browser "e" and Internet 8.

I haven't Defrag my laptop in a while. I should also delete some of my manual files that I rarely use. Help free up my space. Thanks, ABB!! I have to go now and change pampers.