notrydoyoda Posted January 2012
The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?
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I am so sorry about the cancellation for your mother's surgery.
It is stressful enough just anticipating a procedure as such.
You know Cmagnum, prior to mom's gall bladder surgery a couple mos. ago,
her eating was becoming very little if any at all. She was also sleeping a lot. After the surgery, it's now about 3 mos. since she had it, and things somewhat leveled out. There is an overall improvement.
Well, I certainly hope that your mother's condition will improve once the stone is removed, and sorry for the added delay you've had to endure.
I will keep you and yours in my thoughts!
Stay strong my friend, Much Love & Light! Margeaux
Good for you that you listen to your conscience.
We all have a part of ourselves that can be scary. It's the shadow side of the self.
You've learned how to step back, observe and not just let the emotions get the better of you.
I think that not everyone is comfortable bearing their souls, or their past whether it be here, or to a therapist. I know I'm not, and I'm o.k. with that. If you are one day, you'll know and address it. Meanwhile.....you handle all of this quite well. I might add that I feel you have come a very long way, since you first came to this website.
Much Love & Light! Margeaux
Your poetry is very inspirational. I read it again this morning, and it made me feel good, because they give one hope.
Thank you for sharing them with us,
Much Love & Light! Margeaux
Unlike yesterday, it is going to be very hot today. So, I've been outside this morning getting various things done.
Love, hugs and prayers for all.
Remember I had posted about how my husband's friend was in Hospice for Cancer? They had a 24 yr. friendship, aside from participating in an organization together. After this man went into Hospice, of course he stopped answering emails and was out of touch. So much so, that his wife was handling communications with very few friends. My husband made several attempts w/her to see whether he could go visit the friend. By this point in time, I knew that it would be their last goodbye. The wife wouldn't allow it. My husband did push about it one last time, and she very adamantly protested. I told him after that to leave it alone, explaining how hard it must be for her at this time.
She had an unexpected trip out of the country since her mother is very ill.
While she was away, another friend called my husband and arranged for my husband to see their friend, w/friend's consent. So at least my husband saw him,
then two weeks later he passed away. The organization they all belong to, has lost a big man. He was also a great person. May his spirit soar very high!
So after the burial, the organization is planning a tribute for him, to be held in Aug.
I know that my husband wanted to participate in this, and possibly be one of the speakers at his tribute. But, my husband found out through the friend who arranged the "last goodbye," the organization had a meeting. The wife was there.
Some of the other members suggested my husband's name, and wanted I guess to know why he wasn't invited to the planning of the tribute. Apparently, the wife told people at this meeting that she didn't want my husband to participate. She's really not part of this organization, nor has she ever been involved in it during her husband's life.
I've been with my husband now for 11 yrs. Never in this time, have I ever been aware of any tension between my husband and his deceased friend that would warrant this behavior by the wife. It was all the opposite! I'm not going to lie, this made me made mad dog. I know this hurt my husband deeply, then he's not good w/emotions. To make matters worse, it's like someone else is coming into the organization my husband is very active in, and defaming him.
Of course, now some things fell into place, the fact that she was so adamant about my husband not going to see his friend. Of course, now I'm dealing with my husband doesn't want to go to this tribute. I think, we should still go. I know his ego is definitely bruised here also.
Then my husband just had his birthday this week. It was a very quiet birthday, and I was doing everything in my power to keep it together for him.
Oh this last Mercury Retrograde, really was hard! I think we've still been feeling it too with many disruptions in communications.
Margeaux
my mom said, "I know I sang Happy Birthday, but whose birthday is it?" Boy, we all broke out laughing, and it was cool to be able to see one another. We also got to see the two baby's. It was interesting to see the 1.5 yr. olds expressions of confusion and wonderment through the lense. He looked very confused to hear our voices. It was great! Just what my husband and I needed.
We will go there this weekend, to see mom and my niece's newborn.
Upping my positive.....Margeaux
Tell your husband that this entire uproar is coming from the wife. It is no reflection on him or on his friendship with his friend. The wife is crazy. Just plain crazy, or crazy with grief. Tell him I said to go, and just avoid the wife.
"Tell him I said to go?" Well, it sounds narcissistic, but he might listen more to some stranger than to his wife. I hate to think that he would miss this chance to honor and remember his friend. Life isn't simple or easy.
Loved your post about your mother singing happy birthday to your husband,LOL!!
Have a great weekend.
Thank you! O.K., will do. I'd been somewhat avoiding the whole subject with him,
poor guy he's been kind of moody lately, and I understand why.
This woman...I just don't know, and really in 11 yrs., I've been in the picture I can honestly say, that she never accompanied her husband as other wives of the guys have in this organization to various events. I only really remember 2X's we were at their home.
As I said they've a 14 yr. old son, his current age. When he was younger her absence re: the organizations various events was always that she didn't want to get a baby sitter for their kid, who at that time was younger. She IMO, has been an overly protective and possessive mother. The one time I somewhat talked to her at their home, their kid wasn't there. She suddenly asked me whether I wanted to go w/her to pick their boy, and I said o.k. So I got into her car and thought we were going out of the neighborhood. She drove down their street about 3 houses from theirs, and the boy got into the car. At that time he must have been about 11. WOW! I thought, that was really weird. I'm guessing only because I really had super few opportunities to be around her, but just thinking she must be a real control freak. For the person her husband was though, I'm sure she couldn't exert this kind of control over him. But once he became defenseless, dependent upon her....the control over him possibly was unleashed. This is the only thing I can think of.
In any case, I think he should go, because if he doesn't he empowers her too.
Thank you,
Much Love & Light! Margeaux
As I've said, I think he should go, after all the tribute is to and about him.
Yes,, I don't know about he giving his sympathies to her, we already did that the day of the burial. I personally think he already did enough on that end.
Even though she's a widow and all of that, I think she's behaving very badly, there's no reason for this at all, namely the defamation.
Thank you,
Much Love & Light! Margeaux
Hugs and positive thoughts for the days ahead!!
Was your mother a pretty good mother in the old days, or has she always been difficult?
When she says she is just venting, she is probably telling the truth. When she says she is not happy, and attacks you for leaving, can you try to ignore the attack? Can you just soothe her for being lonely and bored and afraid while you were away? You are the adult here. She is really more like a small child with a big vocabulary, having a tantrum. She has no realistic perception of the passage of time. You ARE justified to go out and have a life, and you DO take good care of her.
Can you apologize without taking guilt or blame? "I'm sorry, mother, I guess I was gone a long time. Did you miss me? You must have thought I wasn't coming back. I'm sorry you are upset. You know I love you, and I will always come back." Add in hugs and kisses. Try for a mindset where you are happy, because you just did something you like. You are happy and strong, so you can stand to listen to her sadness, because it will be over soon. You care that she is unhappy, but you don't take it to heart.
Can you make Your arrival at home a little easier by having some sort of treat for her - food or music or a flower or a DVD - to take her mind off the way you cruelly neglect her? She does feel very bad to be alone. She should get sympathy, and maybe a bribe to comfort her. She should not get you to blame yourself, or even to believe for a minute that you shouldn't go out.
Easy to say, and hard to do. Keep coming here for support.
1. That his hands were tied when he tried to see his friend while still alive. He tried his best Several Times but bf’s wife prevented him to be there for his friend.
2. His bf’s wife was never truly there being supportive of the organization. Therefore, she truly has no say on this. (Please emphasis to him on this.) She has no true rights to have a say since she never was there supporting/attending the organization.
3. This Tribute is FOR HIS BEST FRIEND and HIS LOVE for HIS BEST FRIEND. His bf’s wife has NO Right to Stop Him THIS TIME on His giving Tribute to His Best Friend. If hubby Allows the wife to Win on this by giving in to her Unreasonable Demands (tell hubby that he is giving tribute to his friend – what is there for wife to be Against THAT. Therefore it is Unreasonable for her to demand this of him.), He Will Regret It because This Time it is Hubby that is stopping himself from being there for his best friend.
4. And if you have the gumption to tell this to hubby and please do not water it down: Wife had the nerve to Stop hubby from seeing best friend. Why is he now going to back down from wife when it is now HIS own home ground. All the times, he gave in to HER. This is one time, he should Stand Firm For His Best Friend. She had her say, Now it’s your Hubby’s turn to have his say on his home ground (organization.)
And if you prefer, then tell him that I told him so! =)
loved this post "The thing is, she's ALWAYS SORRY!!!!!!!!!!!!! She's been APOLOGIZING to me my whole damn life!
_____
you did VERY Well!
WOW!. My sister moved in about 4 years ago to take care of mother and her narcissistic sister. Mom and her sister used to be very involved in a senior center, until they could no longer drive.
So now any social....was all left in the hands of my sister. She's got a full time job. For awhile, my sister on some weekends used to see to it to take two elderly women who were dependent upon walkers out to eat as an outing and distraction with the assistance of her wonderful boyfriend.
But as time passed this became harder because especially my aunt's immobility like walking became very difficult as she had borderline diabetes and a heart condition so walking was a big challenge. Plus our aunt was very unappreciative and demanding always complaining and abusive.
When I'd hear about all of this, I started to tell my sister that although she lived with them, I didn't feel that my sister owed it to them to overdo these outings, or feel such obligation to provide the social for them. Besides, we inherited the care of our aunt because she didn't have her own kids, so what's up w/that! She took high maintenance to another level.
I started to call both mom and her sister cling ons. They psychologically speaking never knew how to really entertain themselves and have always depended upon others to meet their social needs. Then, in this case they never seemed satisfied, nor grateful.
I know you do more than enough for your mom, so that should never be the issue, and I hope she isn't taking you down the guilty path. Our aunt did this, in a very bullying way. Mom didn't, just went along because she's the one who has the ALZ. But with my sister....there's another ingredient.
She's a controller and a co-dependent. So she ends up falling into the guilty trap, too. But finally my sister had some major fights w/our aunt and much of the social w/my sister's input came to a halt.
It is interesting also, because when mother was younger, she always hung out with her sister. The co-dependent relationship she had with her, determined the lack of an authentic relationship we'd ever have w/our own mom. So all I can say is I love my mom, and I didn't like her sister. Hence, basically my distaste for the sister.....there was no way in China I was going to do any social w/them, if it involved her sister, which it would because mom wouldn't go out of the house unless she had that battle ax, (my name for her sis), in tow.
This is why I started to refer to them as the cling ons..
The battle ax died 1.5 yrs. ago. After that, mom started behaving just as you describe your mom. On occassion, mom asks my sister where she's going, when my sister goes upstairs and is trying to get things done around the house.
This drives my sister nuts. I'd be nuts too! But I did tell my sister that she was going to have to stop paying so much attention to mother also. She did this,
and mom stopped behaving this way.
This is where detachment comes in, which is what we talk about here on the thread. So I encourage you to try to find a way to set some boundaries.
Austin's idea is great. You and she need some constructive time away from one another. Sure, you're her caregiver, but that doesn't mean you are joined at the hip. I'm not going to tell you to be loving, because you already are. Be firm!
Much Love & Light! Margeaux
Alison - it is something when you realise that, due to a certain situation you are not the person that you know inside and then it is certainly time to make some changes. Good for you!
re keeping computers clean, I use CCleaner and Super AntiSpyWare weekly as well as WiseDiskCleaner and WiseRegistryCleaner, And Avast for virus protection. I think I have an automatic defrag set so don't worry about that. Together it works well.
cmag keep us updated in your mum's condition. She has declined.
Margeaux -the situation with your hubby's bf is distressing. I agree with the others - he should go and it is none of the controlling widow's business what happens in that group! Oh my goodness! Glad your mum and sis sang Happy Birthday for him!
sharyn - hope your mum settles down soon. It is difficult when they are unhappy,
Love and hugs to all
ASSA stands for:
ALERT the person that you want to speak to them. For example: "I want to talk to you about the way you have been yelling at me in front of other staff recently." Notice there is no blaming or emotional language at this point.
STATE your grievance by telling the person what the problem is. "I'm not happy with you shouting at me." Tell them why it's a problem. "It makes me angry and I think it makes you look unprofessional in front of other staff and customers."
SELL the benefits of them behaving better. "In future, if you have something to say to me, it'd be better for you to talk rather than shout, and do so privately. This will make you appear more professional and improve my morale, as well."
AGREE. Seek agreement for doing things differently in future. "Can we agree that from now on, you refrain from shouting and if you ever need to speak to me again, you do it away from other people?" If they agree, then remind them of their agreement if ever they renege on it. All you'll ever have to do in future is remind them of what they agreed.
Many tools are available and with "difficult "people we need to learn them. I gather your mum is of sound mind and her problem is diabetes -and a bad attitude!
Good luck and come back and let us know how you are. Venting helps the frustration and seeing that others deal with the same helps self esteem. ((((((Hugs))))
I travel down to mother's city Tuesday to finalize bank stuff, visit mother and do what else I can, then back Saturday and am distancing myself again. Got pretty aggravated at the RCMP who first said I should file a report about mother and 5 phone calls and some confusion later, I was told a report had already been filed and what was my problem. Also mother's lawyer suggested I create a small joint account with mother and then proceeded, in quite a personal way, to tell me I couldn't use it for my own expenses and she was worried that my creditors could affect it. So I set her straight - I don't carry ANY debt for more than a month, my house and car are paid off etc. etc. ( I didn't work till a couple of years ago for nothing) and I thought I was in more jeopardy than mother was considering that mother gave her credit card number out on the phone, though fortunately realised and cancelled it at the bank. The next time, if there is one, she may not realise! Also that I was spending $1000's of my own money this summer as other times travelling to do things for mother. Aaargh. Just what one doesn't need with everything else.
I got caught up with sleep in Montreal and saw the Botanic Gardens - lovely. This weekend I am shopping, cooking, doing laundry etc to have some food in the house for G, though he can fend for himself if he has to, Friday, I got to a new doc for prescriptions and will pick them up today, so will OK in that area for a while. I am tired and this week won't help that but I will rest when I need to and walk again which helps me to relax. Rain here today but should be mainly good next week.
This is a tough week for me with the 11th anniversary of Gordie's death on Tuesday and I have been feeling it since we returned from Montreal. Good thing G is away with the horses again as he is stressed from business crises and me from my stuff and I don't have much to give him right now. Some business bigwigs are coming up the beginning of the week to deal with the issues that could shut them down for 6 months. He offered to drive me to the airport which I appreciate, as he is escorting the visitors that day.
Well, that my vent.
Thankfully through this my fibro has been minimal, and my gut is behaving, and obviously my energy is coming back.
Alison I have not forgotten about extreme self care - need a bit of that right now but can't follow it for a while. Number one is to reduce stress in your life and be ruthless in doing so. I will post below.
Take care all, and be good to you
1. Reduce stress. Get rid of whatever is causing emotional or physical stress in life - be ruthless is necessary. Also avoid extremes as much as possible - heat, activities, emotions, anything stressful.
2. Resolve any ongoing tensions – go to counselling if necessary.
3. Get a thorough medical to rule out or treat any conditions like thyroid imbalance, pre-diabetes, diabetes, high blood pressure, infections etc.
4. Exercise, as you can, but not to the point that you tire too much.
5. Healthy diet – may differ from one individual to another, avoid processed food, preservatives, additives, artificial sweeteners, as much as possible. Eat mainly for nutrition; but have some healthy "treats".
6. Sleep - adequate sleep. I found this one very difficult, but it can be worked on it. I sleep in the daytime if I feel I need it.,
7. Rest - I listen to my body and rest when I am tired until I feel better. Sometimes that is a lot of rest.
8. Supplements – Vitamin D for sure and more if you feel you need them - not just vitamins, but herbals
9. Read and inform yourself about your stressors and techniques that help
10. Be patient with yourself and persistent –this situation didn't develop overnight, and won't be resolved overnight.
AND
do something good for you each day! Love and hugs Joan
Hi Joan, thanks for the tips on the computer and Self Care. I have several of your nice tidbits. I have even posted one of your helpful tips to another poster. It was the Detach/Setting Boundaries that I copied/pasted. She was very grateful. .. As for the computer, oh my....my computer is Very Under Protected!!! It's an old laptop. I don't know if it would be able to handle downloading all those programs. I have a Malware that's on my desktop but I never used it.
I attended the assessment therapy session. I felt very comfortable with the therapist. When done, she just didn't know where to start in our next session. Let's just say that she said that I'm a very strong woman and that she's surprised that I'm alive today. That what I'm doing with the parents are 300 times more than most people would do for them. Violent childhood, etc.... My homework is Journaling, Gratefulness and Exercise. Struggling the most with exercising. I'm just so tired all the time. Well, I skipped it yesterday, so I will Have to do it today. Boring....
Thanks for the info and everything.
Mother's paranoia is progressing I got call from Megan (mother’s church friend) yesterday that mother thought she was being discharged back to her ALF, and she was panicking about it. In fact, it was not true, She is still in hospital. Yesterday, Megan visited her and found that mother thinks they are poisoning her food and would eat nothing, even the Ensure which is in a can. They had given mother something to calm her down and she was somewhat woozy. Megan took her to eat in the cafeteria, thankfully. To date, the drug they have her on is not helping the paranoia. I hope to speak with the doctors when I am down there week to see if they still think their plan will still work. I believe if they can find the right drug or combination of drugs, her quality of life will improve. I question that returning her to the her ALF is a viable option. It is sad to think of her like this.
Wish me luck!
Book~I am happy you are comfortable with your therapist, it is very important to feel comfortable so you can share your feelings. You are a very strong woman and I wish I had half your strength. Big hugs for you!!
Joan~It is sad thinking about the mental state of our parents with mental illnesses and how what they think is so real to them. I agree that the right drug or combination would be a huge difference, hopefully they can figure that our sooner rather than later. Wishing you a positive outcome when to get to your mother's city. Take care of you and hugs for you on this trip!!
Mom had another bad weekend with phone calls. She kept calling my sister, calling her the "B" word and SOB. As a result her phone privileges have been taken away again. I really think this is how my mom is going to continue to be for quiet some time possibly until she progresses more. This is how she is when doesn't get her own way. It is a shame that our time together can't be more meaningful instead of pushing everyone away from her. Have a good day, hope you all find some peace and rest in all busyness of caregiving. Hugs!!