notrydoyoda Posted January 2012
The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?
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"Know the difference between being patient and wasting your time."
Sure enough within the month mother writes both of us that she is dying because her liver is failing, In fact her liver was fine for he rest of her life - about another 10 years. That was when I stopped sharing medical info with sis. I did notice that the one thing she didn't pass on to mother was the BPD diagnosis. She just brushed that aside saying "Oh, mother has a few emotional problems but nothing serious". Right!!!
Sorry your mum is looking frail,. It's hard seeing them decline. Hope this week is better.
boj - some good ones! One thing I have learned to do - and this works for telephone scams as well as toxicity is ask the person to repeat what they said - then ask them to repeat it again. And then say it back to them "Did you say..."
By that time it has lost its power.
Her hub emailed me a few times - last time to say "Why not bury the hatchet?" My only thought was that the hatchet was buried many times - in my back. No more!!!
This is true . I wish I had moved to safety sooner, rather than trying to fulfill other dysfunctional family member’s expectations .
Yesterday, I wrote to my sleep doctor via MyChart.
“I'm not doing better. I only slept for 5 hours last night and it was a major struggle to get out of bed to get to the bathroom. I ate breakfast, took my meds, and went back to bed. I got up to go to a wound doctor appointment and when I got home, went straight to bed. Hours later, I went out to pick up some take-outs. For some reason, I missed the turn to go in front of the sign where you order and went into the area behind it where the back door is. When I got home, I was ready to order groceries online, but could not find the flyers. I looked and looked. Finally, I went to my car and they were in the front seat. I don't even remember taking them out there. Furthermore, my balance has been poor. ”
Today, my sleep doctor called me in response. He said that I am sleep deprived plus have other issues that require a neurologist which I told him that I already have an appointment with. Duh, I knew that I have had sleep deprivation for months. At least, he had the professionalism to say I needed a neurologist. This is a neurological disorder. My goodness!
I do appreciate him making the effort to respond by phone. Hardly any doctor does that today.
Well, my conclusion is, that I have the rest of May, plus all of June & July to continue to live like this until August 1st when I hope the neurologist does something that helps.
Thanks for listening!
Maybe take a look at each med and observe whether they’re adding to the problem.
Also how we feel during the day depends a lot on what kind of people surround us. As caregivers, we’re often stuck spending lots of time with very negative, difficult LOs.
“Never let others dull your sparkle.”
“Keep calm and carry a wand.”
"Replacing my heart with another liver so I can drink more and care less."
"Please don't disturb my peace if you're at war with yourself."
“It’s better to be disowned, than to be owned.”
"People who eat loads of food and never gain weight, I hate you."
"I love animals. When's the last time you were loved just for walking through a door? Dogs do this all the time."
"Not only are you right, I wish I was smart enough to take your advice."
“Families tend to cater to the most dysfunctional person in the family as a way to keep the peace.”
🥚🥚🍳🍳
“Your life may feel like it’s scrambled, but take it in stride and everything will go over easy.”
"A toxic person only changes their victims, never themselves."
"I can't keep calm, my family is crazy."
“Un-drama yourself. Be who you were before all that drama happened which distracted you from who you really are and what you really want for your life.”
I wish that were possible, but I don't remember back that far to before I was 10.
I'm glad to have closure on a statement from a person who hurt me deeply a long, long time ago. No therapist has been able to decode this, but now I know. It never struck me as an ok statement; my reaction was shock and I shut down. Here's the clarifying closer via a retired pastor friend. "Their speech was a standard denial of responsibility often offered by abusers who have been abused."
I read that over a few times & feel it's wisdom.
I get your point, but I don't think that I'd ever say the abuser hurts worse than the victim. To me, that's almost a more covert way of saying what my abuser said to me, that their abuse which caused mine hurt them worse than my experience of their abuse of me which they excuse on their past, as heard in their saying that they could not help it, but they knew it would create a lifetime of pain for me.
We must each take responsibility for our own choices instead of living as an eternal victim which excuses us from personal accountability, keeps us glued to the past, and never allows us to be free in the present or the future.
Yes, abusive people hurt as do those they abuse. However, it is not up to the abused to heal the abusers. The abusers need to take responsibility for themselves and find healing for themselves.
Sorry about preaching to the choir, but I am on a roll tonight and will calm down.
"Don't be afraid of death. Be afraid of an un-lived life."
"Stop wishing. Start doing."
imagine we all changed our screen names!
we’d be called
ihatecaregiving3
…4…5,008…19,765…
Seven needed dynamics to listen as one who understands instead of listens to respond.
1. Be healed enough from one's own past trauma that what you hear does not trigger you or cause you to react with anger if they don't share their story just the way you want them to say it. To do so is a major act of invalidation.
2. Suspend judgment so that the person feels that you are safe.
3. Even when their story is so foreign to your life experience that it is difficult to understand, be empathetic instead of drilling them on why not handle it differently.
Over time as more people share their story or the same person shares more of their story, you will come to understand what you didn't understand before.
Be patient and be willing to live with the complexity of not fully understanding a person's story. Empathy and validation are far more important to the person talking!
4. Consider what the person has shared with you a priceless gift for you to protect with the utmost privacy. Remember, you aren't them and you weren't there.
5. Don't fret over feeling overwhelmed or fearful in the moment for it's part of the experience when another person fully opens their soul to another. Some of that feeling will linger at times but that is normal.
6. Never, divulge what you are told to someone nor throw it back in the person's face.
7. Remain humble for you are not alone as a listener. There is always more room for growth.
For many, I'm preaching to the choir, but it bears repeating from time to time. We all, myself included, must continue to become good listeners.
"Don't die before you're dead."
🙂🙂 "Calm
is just a chocolate bar away."