The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Beatty,
Glad that you met someone kind today!

Hi Beatty - OMG, Your "Mission Creep" description is spot on ...and the questions of "Where am I?" and "How to climb out?"...are exactly what I was asking myself yesterday and today....your timing in writing this was so perfect. Yes, Beatty...I get you too! 

I, too, am feeling so alone...I'm right there with you.  And the "background" sibling too....and yes, my sister barely does anything. She'll only surface when she's afraid of me totally bailing on my parents.  And yes, I know the feeling of "never getting a word in" and "so focused on their lives". I left the city to go to my parent's house to take care of a lot of responsibilities for them - I planned on staying thru the wkend - I'll never last.  My mother is already in one of her raging moods - it's hideous.  But, once their physical therapist showed up at the house, she became this pleasant, lovely woman to him...she can win an Oscar for her acting. 

I called my sister this morning to give her an update....my sister talked over me and she was more interested in talking about the date that she had last night. 

Beatty, I totally understand about having a cry tonight....I had mine yesterday - I really needed it. I hope things get better for both of us. And, happy to hear that you met a kind pastoral care worker today...that's uplifting and inspiring! 

Hi Anxietynacy - I think that's fantastic about working on a list of things you'll do and NOT do under any circumstances - that is perfect! Setting boundaries is so important in order to take care of yourself. That's an empowering feeling and I'm glad you're feeling much better! The rest should fall on your brother being the POA. 

I need to do that better. I'm going to try to work on that. I really appreciate your motivating words!

How am I doing today? Struggling. My mother has always been mentally ill: Probably NPD and borderline, violent... She's very abusive and contoling. She's now 96. People she launches herself onto probably think it's dementia, but it's actually who she is.

She's in a particularly bad phase at the moment. Her approach to life has been to set fire (not literally) to everything around her, and then move (physically). She's lived many dozens of places over the years, often for only months. Sometimes for a year or two. I think she's moved about times. I went to 20 schools. She lived one place in her 70s about 5 years. Another time in her sixties for about 8. She's been married 5, maybe six times. She loathes anyone connected to her kids and grandkids, like friends and spouses, and especially pets. So they all keep their distance to the point of "no contact", or very limited contact.

She claims she is a "peaceful" person. Far, far from it.

Currently, she is sabbotaging the place where she lives. It's a minimal assistance place. She can get dinners, but hated the cook, so I cook and freeze meals for her, although I live an hour away and a 35$ return trip. (I'm 72.) That woman retired. There is a new employee (replacement) in her building of 8 suites, and she's out to get the woman. She's writing emails to the owners and managers, trying to get the woman fired saying extremely vile things. Mother tried to get me on-side. I said I thought she was being "harsh", and she went off like a bomb. The employer has a legal obligation to protect the woman from harassment. I won't be surprised if they have a lawyer step in during the next few days.

She wrote them an email in which she made all sorts of weird, false claims. She forwarded it to me, and I read it to a friend who thought anyone who read it would think she is insane. That friend has met her, recently, and agrees she seems pretty "with it". I don't think she has dementia. I've seen her lie throughout her life, and make bizarre claims before, over the years.

I feel like if they call the police or an ambulance, she will be taken to hospital (even further away and more expensive for me), and she will decompensate to the point that she will end up on a psych ward or in a nursing home chemically and perhaps physically restrained. She will go totally nuts - although what that looks like, I don't know, given how she has always been. I don't feel the need to protect her from that. I can't, and I don't want to, and I certainly don't want anyone to think I can take care of her in my 890 square feet.

I'm able to manage a few days of her nut-stuff, but then I panic. What happens if this, or that?

One of the things I've been thinking about today, after her now weeks of decomensation behaviour ... This is weird: Months ago, she went over with me and the "funeral director" what she wants. She wants a "tea party" with white table clothes, sandwiches, etc.. I always planned to pawn any speaking (etc.) off on her brothers. But she is predeceased by all of her siblings. My own siblings hate her. There are people who don't know her who would not understand the animosity toward her, but I think many would understand. She says she's considering her "options". I think she may be contemplating suicide. I also think she thinks everything is everyone else's fault and I very much doubt she has that kind of courage. I think my two 1/2 sisters (her children) would be happy to show up and totally trash her. I have nothing to say about a woman who beat me constantly as a child and did no end of s**t. All I could say do without spilling the beans is give birth a death facts. Marriage gets into weird stuff, as does residences (moving back and forth across the country multiple times).

What I really want to do is to say, "No service by request". Although that request would go against her wishes. I've spent my life doing what she wants. I don't want to do this, and I don't want to feel guilty about that too.

@ JHoward ,

You don’t have to visit this woman nor bring her food .

I totally understand the pull of obligation . I too had a narcissist for a mother who groomed me to be her servant for 40 years.

Let me tell you , my mother will be dead 6 years this November . I’m still dealing with anger at times .

But here is the thing , you can only change your behavior not hers. I learned that very late in my mother’s life .

Please put yourself first . Your mother will be a nasty person no matter how often or how little you visit .

I would encourage you to give up POA or any responsibilities as it can be difficult to find placement for a difficult and/or violent person . You don’t want her in your home . Let her become a ward of the state .

Your mother has earned her consequences . You have no obligation to be on her sinking ship with her. You don’t need this headache . As a ward of the state they will make sure they place her somewhere .

As far as dementia, my mother had dementia and the doctor told me it was like throwing gasoline on a fire . The fire being her narcissism. So your Mom very well could have early dementia . I just thought it was Mom being Mom also .

As far as her funeral . Sounds like nobody would want to come anyway . I don’t see why you need an obit in the paper at all. That solves your no service by request dilemma . Just let the people know who need to know she’s gone .

You don’t owe this horrible mother a good farewell . You don’t need to follow her wishes. Trust me when I say you will be angry when she’s dead . Relieved but also a lot of pent up anger will boil over when you don’t have her controlling you any longer.

I do hope you are going to therapy . I’m so sorry this woman was your mother . You have nothing to feel guilty about at all . You don’t have to do what she wants .

Anxiety ,

Yes , the amount of anger I felt was a surprise . Not only was I angry at my mother , I was angry at myself for letting her control me too much for too long , even though I had gotten somewhat better about boundaries to a degree over the years .

The other thing I felt after she died was for lack of a better term ….lost . A big part of my days the last 12 years she was alive had become about putting out her fires . I got depressed and had to figure out how to live a more normal life . I had forgotten how.

I am the daughter (only) of a suspected covert narc, also groomed to fulfill all needs. I had no idea my upbringing wasn’t peachy until I had kids of my own. I am trying to shed my anger, learn to enforce boundaries and stop people pleasing. My mother’s 99 so funeral planning is something I may soon have to face. The “public vs private” aspect enrages me. Friends and extended family think sugar goes to her for sweetness. My husband, kids, a few close friends and staff at the care home have witnessed what she’s like around me. It worsened but did not start with her dementia.

JHoward, like yours, my mother campaigned against hired help. Outrageous accusations. I figured she was trying to make sure I kept doing things for her. “See how I’m the victim of awful things when you don’t fulfill all my needs?!?” Geez, do you ever need boundaries with your mother! You have value! Make her accountable to herself. And save yourself!

My new mantra that I have come up with this week is

I will not swim in her pool of consequences .

It will help me with what is going on with MIL , which is more than what I have posted ( whined ) .

I hope this mantra helps someone else too.

@JHoward

My friend, all the commentors here (Anabanana, waytomisery, Anxietynacy) all of us know where you're coming from and have either a parent or in-law like your mother. I know I certainly do.

Let me tell you from experience. Living with the guilt-trip is way better than allowing your mother to own your life. You can get past the guilt tripping by going to counceling and talking about it. Or by talking to people like us who are or have been in the same boat as you.

Sometimes, many times, people like your mother have to learn the hard way. They need a practical lesson that they are not going to be catered to now will they get what they want through manipulation, guilt-tripping, gaslighting, or verbal and mental abuse.

You need to teach your mother this life lesson by ignoring her demands and her needs. Let her fend for herself. Know why she has to learn this lesson at 96?

Because she didn't learn it at 26, or 36, or 76, or 86. Clearly she's been catered to her entire life and someone else has always been responsible for her and went around putting out all the fires she starts.

Stop today. Just stop and ignore her. Ask the police to do a wellness check on her if you want to check up.

When she's hungry enough, she'll eat the food offered where she lives.
When she gets needy enough she'll learn to mind her tongue and start being respectful to the people who help her.

Let her know plainly today that if she wants any kind of help from you it is going to be on YOUR terms, not hers. Also, if she wants to live out her remaining time outside of a Medicaid-sponsored nursing home she had better learn some self-control and that NO ONE will be catering to her demands.

If she continues to act up, have nothing to do with her. Her life today is the result of the choices she made and how she chose to live. That's not on you. So don't let it be. Please seek out counceling to help get you out of the F.O.G. (Fear-Obligation-Guilt) you are lost in.

Good luck.

Funeral talk ….

First my MIL told us she wants us to throw a party for her friends when she died . Well a lot are dead and some are in facilities now , so she hasn’t been bringing that up the last few years .

She also signed up years ago to have her body donated to the local medical school . They apparently always have a shortage of cadavers . Then after 2-3 years they cremate and she’s having the ashes sent to us ( we don’t want them ) . She has instructed DH to dump her ashes at a video poker machine in a casino in Atlantic City where she had her biggest win ever . NOT HAPPENING . First of all that’s gross , illegal and a casino is full of cameras watching .

I found a boat that will take ashes out to sea in an environmentally responsible container from Atlantic City . We can mail them to Atlantic City , or we can drive there and go on the boat too for a higher fee . That will be DH’s decision.

My DH is wondering though if family will expect something when she dies. MIL still has two siblings but they are retired down south . There is a cousin about an hour from MIL . And my DH’s brother in Oklahoma. And if so where to have something ? , we are 4 hours away from where MIL lives too . There is no gravesite to go to .

Nacy, My mother’s favorite expression was it is what it is. I want to inscribe it on her urn 😁. I couldn’t take it when she said it, it was like fingernails on a blackboard for me.

my mother never wanted to take a chance on something maybe being better than what “is” was. She was a defeatist. Stayed in a crappy house in a crappy neighborhood, never wanting to get help in sooner than she did. Her “is” was making everyone else’s life miserable.

She has been gone six weeks and I haven’t cried once.

Way, you are wondering “if family will expect something when she dies”. I’d suggest a dinner out a x restaurant in y location, date z, pay for your own, let us know by zz date so we can book for numbers. It’s perfectly respectable – I even saw a wedding reception done the same way. Many people have a dinner out following a funeral, you just skip the funeral.

@ Margaret ,

Yeah that’s the obvious .
I should have been more specific and said DH is wondering if anyone will expect him to plan and/or attend something as you described. DH would like to just skip any and all plans , especially since it would most likely be expected we travel down south to meet up with the older folks . Turns out Dh is like me , hates the “ after funeral meal “ . Just wants to stay home and grieve in his own way .

Perhaps have D there at the beginning, then get taken home almost immediately because ‘it’s all been too much for him’? If possible, by a young relative who will be bored anyway.

Air fare is expensive to go there and have him bail almost immediately .

The airfare is most likely a deal breaker just to go to dinner .
I know my kids won’t spend that kind of money to go to dinner.

But I could see the old folks getting angry. They still have strong views about funerals and weddings . They don’t like any new thoughts , nor are they in touch with today’s realities due to people being spread out

Way, perhaps do a letter to each of the ‘old folks’, tell them a) D doesn’t want it b) how much it would cost. Ask them if they would like to contribute to the cost, say if enough people contribute it may be possible, but in any event D will only be there for a few minutes at the beginning. Better to give them some choice so THEY are the ones turning it down.

Thanks for the suggestions Margaret .
It will be interesting to see how DH handles it .

"It is what it is" can indeed be an expression of defeatism, but it can also be a statement of acceptance of things as they are in real life. I use it in the latter context and have for many years. I try not to use it if "what is" can be improved upon.

Not good. Just had a fight with my never satisfied mom. I would give her the world if I could, but it's impossible because her standards are unachievable. Some things require time, money we don't have or would mess up with our family routine/dynamics (that mind you, she doesn't approve of) and she isn't good at waiting or hearing no. I have tried to detach and not react to her every whim or outburst, but that is very exhausting to do. Dealing, after healing from my own traumas, with her own, that of course she doesn't recognize/accept, is agonizing, too. Her living with us due to medical issues (she almost died and currently can't live alone) after moving far from her to heal has been a whole 'experience'. I understand her reactions, her moods, the way she says things, where it all comes from. I understand her traumas and life experiences. She doesn't and doesn't care because if she does not accept them they aren't real, to her. But we have to live with it. I am more understanding and empathetic now, but it still hurts. And it's hard not to take it personally when she attacks my character to manipulate me into submission.

Boricua,

You never allow anyone to manipulate you into submission to anything for any reason.

How hard did your mother work herself to provide perfection for herself and her family?

I always say, you get what you give in this life. No one can expect from others what they never expected from themselves.


Maybe your mother would benefit from some tough love. It sure sounds like she would.

She doesn't like waiting and gets rude and nasty if her demands are not instantly met?

Too bad. Make her wait even longer and your good time doing something.

Her life traumas aren't your fault. You didn't cause her problems and you don't have to be her solution.

Give her and yourself a choice here.

Either she learns how to be respectful and grateful to you for everything you do for her, or she gets put away in a nursing home and you never look back.

Do not tolerate her verbal abuse and manipulation for one more day. Do not play her games anymore either. From what you say here, she will have to learn the hard way that verbal abuse and manipulation will not give her more control or get her more attention. It will get her ignored and neglected. A little ignoring and neglect will likely be just what she needs to learn this lesson.

Stop catering to her. She lives in your house and you take care of her. So it's going to be on YOUR terms, not hers.

I am quite happy and content. Through counseling I have learned to not worry about my siblings opinion of the care I give my mom or his opinion of my feelings! ! I just push forward and have accepted that other people think they know how to do this better than I do…but they do not! I have forgiven my mom for anything I used think was unfair…right now I just make sure she is safe, well fed, has a good roof over her head and is pain free… she is pleasantly confused and well loved by me.

wow, Sadinroanokeva - it sounds like you've made great strides - that's great! It looks like you can revise your profile name to Happyinroanokeva instead!

having to remind myself a lot these days that " I did'nt cause this. I can't fix this. Hence, its not my fault, don't yell at me. "

Sorry struggling,

I get it .
Based on the phone call we got today…. Apparently it’s our fault that my MIL has a blood clot in her leg and can’t fly .

Not to mention she also is in stage 4 CLL , she barely walks refuses to use a walker , and is wasting away , skinny .

We told her we are not rescuing her from any travels , especially without POA which she refuses to draw up .

I can now see why my in laws divorced 35 years ago . Because they were too much alike .

The word of the day is……
ENTITLED .

They both think/thought that if they say somethlng in a sweet but slightly forceful tone they will get their way . And if not , we are squashing their independence .

Newsflash …… I am not the “ independence fairy “.

I have a feeling I will be coming back to this thread to whine .

Relieved when parents died. Thru dads ashes in garbage. Brother wanted my mother's. So fine. Never realized what they were til at 62 years old got stage 4 colon and liver cancer. He was already dead but mother reaction was all about her problems and who would take care of her. I did thru surgery and chemo for myself. She finally died at 90. Husband got Alzheimer's. Took care of him for 7 years. Put him in assisted living 3 months ago. Cancer back again. Can't wait to die.

HI Lora - I'm really sorry to hear what you're going thru. I wish you continued full healing and strength - and for better and brighter days to come for YOU.

@Lora626,

I’m so sorry . I wish you peace .
((((Hugs))))

Well I was a caregiver until all my siblings found out and ran me off.. Now that Mom and Dad are gone all my siblings has nothing to do with me and the family home which was mine well my half sister Mom's oldest daughter and my oldest real brother added their names to the deed and had it recorded which now I have to take them to court and show the deed that they have is invalid due to having dad's signature and it required mom and me since I was added in 2017 and what they did was 2019. Very dysfunctional family. Hope that's not TMI. I have so much more I could say. Like no one told me if the will being read but the house wasn't in it anyway due to me owning but the house they stripped away inside and outside and they won't let me in the house. I would have to get the cops. I'm the youngest of 6. Which makes it hard for me to confront any plus I have social and mental problems now and I couldn't do it on my own. My family home was given to me in 89 by my parents it was to make sure their daughters had a home. My M&D had 2 girls and 2 boys and Mom had girl and boy before Dad. The girl is the one that has taken the house and she has not ever lived out been there. But lives there now. She's 69 and I'm 57 so you can tell by age I didn't grow up with her or half brother. They were grown and gone before me and before Dad built the house that they visited once a year of that. Anyways thank you from a dysfunctional one.

@Anxiety,

IF you choose to keep going over to Moms’s just try to treat her like a homecare client. Don’t talk about family .
I resorted to that , it helped sometimes .

Also you shouldn’t have to clean the house , tell your brother to hire a house cleaner to come once a week . Why should you do it ? your siblings aren’t cleaning .