
Many of us, myself included, come from a dysfunctional family which adds a lot of weight to the challenges of caregiving. I have read stores on various threads on other topics and decided it would be good to have a thread just for this topic for people to share, vent and discuss.
The idea for this thread originated on the thread named "The Caregiver....How are YOU doing today?"
Many choose not to get involved with caregiving, and while we respect their choice, it's bound to change relationships. Many, including myself, have experienced the same thing and have become alienated from these friends and family. Wishing you all the best for what lies ahead, Those that stick with us through these most difficult years, are very precious to us.
This site has been very valuable to me and others who understand what caregivers are going through. The support is so helpful. ((((((hugs))))) to you
I am so sorry for your husband's and your experience. Do know that people are made very uncomfortable by illness, by seeing people change before their eyes, by expectations, by confusion, by not knowing what to say or do. The closer they are to you, and the more honest you can be about your needs, your wish list the better.
We are a flawed animal. It is fight and flight with us, and we are much more comfortable with just flying away, hiding in the hedges, pretending none of this is happening.
I know you know all of this.
I know that none of this is a comfort.
I think that your wishes for private services is VERY valid. That's as simple as "Services will be Private". Even with well-meaning and loving family, that is the burial that my parents and my brother after them wants. In fact, they wanted no services at all. It was "Hoist a glass to me now; if you forgot, hoist one to me after, and get on with living".
All on AC have witnessed the losses of our loved ones, and it is why I have always said that standing witness to their losses is the worst cruelty of all. When we are ill and helpless we are DEALING WITH IT and all the time. But when we witness the losses it is the the waves of a flood that just keeps coming.
I'm so sorry for what you're going through, and you husband is absolutely right. Have only a small service for the people who matter. Not the ones who walked away when he started getting sicker. You needed the support of friends and family too and they abandoned you as well. There's no excuse for that and no one needs these people to come and wail at a big funeral then expect a nice meal and an open bar after.
No truer words were ever spoken than, 'A friend in need is a friend indeed'.
I totally know where you're coming from. When my ex-husband got sick the friends and family started staying away when he got bad off. We were divorced. This was because he was an alcoholic and he could not overcome it. Not because I didn't love him. I did and still do. I still love my former in-law family too. I was remarried to my current husband when my ex got sick. I helped take care of him though because that was right.
Anyway, he had a huge funeral. He was old-school Polish and they do a big send off. At his wake his cousin's fiancee was saying some nasty things about me in Polish to a couple of the older ladies. My former MIL walked up to her and slapped her right across the face. She got told too. Now this cousin was the best man at our wedding. They were best friends. These two never visited once when my ex started getting sick. Never called, nothing. They partied at our place every weekend for years. We went everywhere together too. They were tore up at the wake though. What a joke.
I get it people don't know what to do around a sick person. Then don't do anything. Just be there. It's not happy or pleasant, but it's right. Just be there. It's not hard to sit with someone for a few hours. Or to bring by a meal so someone doesn't have to cook.
Your husband is right. Have a service for the people who matter. The ones who backed off because your husband is sick, don't matter. They don't matter one bit.
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"The bigger person". That's just (usually) a euphemism for "shut up and take the abuse because the rest of us are uncomfortable with you taking care of yourself."
joy - so true!!!
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Great minds think alike.
Unfortunately, so do stupid ones…
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Don’t let your loyalty
keep you in situations
your common sense should have gotten you out of.
“You probably won’t remember half the things that I’ll never forget.”
Judge me by the people I avoid.
"I got 99 problems and you are all of them."
Today's words of wisdom:
You are the most influential person you will talk to all day.
Not to mention that You are the only person of EQUAL intelligence you will speak to all day…
Today's words of wisdom:
Dysfunctional families don’t just avoid truth — they erase it.
Today’s quote:
“I think one of the most surprising things I’ve realized in my lifetime, is not a single one of the scars in my heart are from an enemy.”
“OK, here’s a bit of advice:
Stop trying to be like everyone else.
Remember…you…don’t like everyone else.”
Today’s funny quote about dysfunctional/toxic people…
“Everyone is assigned a guardian angel who helps them out through life, but due to a clerical error a demon was assigned to you.”
Today's words of wisdom:
Never make the mistake of assuming
the person of peace
is unskilled at war.
Also today's words of wisdom:
Rising early
makes the road short.
More words of wisdom for today:
🙂
I try to take it one day at a time, but sometimes several days attack me at once.
Your words of wisdom allowed my mind and heart to unite! I now have a happy place/site to let my mind engage and keep my heart in check with the wisdom of knowing I am not the dysfunction in my family! Thank you so very much 🙃
I agree with Daisy - filling out your profile helps us to give better answers.
More words of wisdom for today:
Time doesn’t heal all wounds…
It’s what YOU do with that time.
Have you
loved you today?
Today’s words of wisdom:
“If you only focus on the problem,
you might miss the easy solution.”