notrydoyoda Posted January 2012
The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?
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I may love to shop, but I will never buy your bull.
🙂
You should really come with a warning label.
I wanted to go out and compare and contrast the down limb from one of the limbs from the tree she thinks it came from, but she won't let me. She thinks the tree in question is the one & wants it torn down to protect both property and the renters and doesn't want me out in the backyard because it rained an inch at our house last night. It isn't flooded btw.
It's all I can do not to go off on her. It would've taken literally a minute to compare branches.
Just curious, you say she won't let me but, she is bed ridden, how does she stop you? Think about this.
She did. The arborist said the tree she suspects the down branch was from needs to be cut.
I try not to rock the boat, but it gets more ridiculous. It just keeps piling up.
She mostly likely thinks I would slip and fall and hurt myself. She's been afraid of things going wrong since she was 12.
OK. That's how she is then.
Do her feelings of fear control everything?
Pretty much. She values safety and security more than recovery. And it's why she shrinks my world.
I'm not allowed to shovel snow out of the driveway. Couldn't go across town to drop some things off for classmates because I didn't have a phone. Not allowed to go to my dad's best friend's funeral because of flu concerns. Have to walk through the yard and open the small fence gate to go next door and not walk next to the street and avoid the plants that are lined up along most of the fence. Can't even do a tree branch comparison.
Back in college, she tried talking me out of seeing my alma mater play a road football game an hour away from my college town citing traffic concerns in the big city that's en route and that hardly anyone from my hometown would be there. Traffic wasn't bad at all and the visitor's section was nearly full with people from my hometown. 10 years ago, she disapproved of me buying an air gun pistol. When I bought it, I was three months removed from graduating COLLEGE.
During junior high, she wouldn't let me walk home. I had to ride the bus with my dad all the way through his route twice a week. One of his stops was at the high school and our house was 60 seconds away. It took 15 minutes to walk home going the long way. The short way was a no go because of two large drainage ditches. I didn't tell her I walked home for much of my junior year of HS until I got my driver's license. She assumed I had friends give me rides home.
These are things normal parents don't pull on their adult kids. There's a reason children of overprotective parents go no contact with them once they're finally out of the nest.
I understand you want to "keep the peace". However, that's very costly peace. It's costing you your independence and a life of your own.
Is it really worth it?
Wishing you the best for you in this situation.
Have you read up on the Gray Rock Method, online. If you stop giving into her anxiety, and just brush it off, it should get a little better. She is doing it for control and wants you to be as high anxiety as she is, I suspect it's working too.
Have you ever lost all respect for someone? Like you don’t hate them but you don’t feel the need to say anything to them anymore.
When people know they did you wrong they avoid you.
A liar’s worst enemy is someone with a good memory.
My mom is Gemini, there is always 2 truths in her head.
Anywho....
The grass is taller than knee high.
She won't let me mow it because I am a woman.
She won't let me hire someone because she wants to make the decisions.
She won't hire someone because she wants to pay family members to do it.
She wants to pick and choose which family members do it.
Family members who are nowhere to be seen.
Meanwhile the doorbell rings. She finally gets to the door and the man is walking away, pushing a lawn mower. I said "Hurry, open the door and call after him!"
She wouldn't do it.
Meanwhile, she is jealous that I got my own lawnmower fixed and I mowed last week.
I'm handicapped.
Alone.
30 miles away from her.
She is jealous of me for doing one very neccessary thing for myself, when I spend every vacation day that I take off taking care of HER.
I change the subject. Tell her how glad I am that my friend is going to come over this week and install a new kitchen faucet.
(I have been without running water in my kitchen for 2 months but have been so darn busy taking care of HER that I couldnt address it)
Instead of being happy for me she says, with much attitude-
"I need MY FAUCET replaced!"
ME: Oh? Is it not working? What is wrong with it?
MOM: "Its old, and the chrome is flaking!"
ME: Does it work?
MOM: ".....crickets...."
ME: Mom, why does your faucet need replaced? Do you have running water?
MOM: "Well, yes it works. But its old"
ME: Mom, my faucet does not work. I told you, I have to carry water from the bathroom to wash dishes, or cook or make tea....its a big problem.
MOM: "....crickets..."
ME: Mom, I have gone without running water for the entire 2 months that we have been dealing with your cataract surgeries and appointments. But I am so grateful its getting fixed this week!
MOM: "....crickets...."
"....crickets...."
MOM: "People need to stop judging me for my lawn, nobody knows what I am going through!"
At this point her phone went silent.
Ummm ok.
I understand what you are going through, I've been there, you have to put yourself first, and put boundaries up. It's really the only way to get through this . Learn "Gray Rock Method" online. It really does help. First few years of caregiving, my mom's summer flowers and lawn looked beautiful, then I'd come home and my were wilted 🥀 and I had no energy to care. I promised myself, no more, my flowers, my home my doctors appointments come first. You need to put you first. Yes sometimes things can't be helped. I had an appointment one day, called mom and she sounded horrible, cancelled my appointment took her to doctors, she had covid, got paxlivoid in her on time, so she didn't get very ill. Things do happen but you got a put your needs first
As Daisy says you have to look after yourself. Her lawn ( and whatever else) is her problem, not yours. She has made the choices that have resulted in knee high grass. So be it. Don't take that on yourself. Decide what you can and what you cannot do for her and set your boundaries. Be sure you follow through with the consequences.
She is manipulating you through FOG - fear, obligation and guilt. I had a personality disordered mother and she was jealous too. She always had to come first and have everything better than anyone else. I learned not to tell her things about my life as she always turned them around to cause friction and stress. She wanted things her way in every sense. Nothing else would so and even then, most of the time it wasn't good enough.
With people like that you have to set boundaries. There's a good book by Cloud and Townsend on Boundaries. You don't have to listen to her huff from a sefl induced problems. You don't have to fix it or worry about it. It's not your problem. You can offer to help and if she refuses -OK. You've done what you can. Let it go.
Please keep your vacation days for yourself. I bet no matter how much you do or try to do for her she won't be happy. That's her choice. Her feelings are her responsibility, not yours. You can't make anyone else happy. Concentrate on improving your own quality of life and let her work on her own stuff. She wants to be the center of your universe. Don't let her be that.
My mother wou;d get angry if she didn't get her way or all the attention she wanted. I learned that was not my problem. My first responsibility was to myself.
Take care of you!!!
Maybe they are.. maybe they aren't..
Mom is just venting right? No need to get involved. No need to solve this issue for her, right?
It's Mom's lawn. So Mom can decide what she wants to do about her lawn.
Her choices are;
1. Cut it herself
2. Ask someone to cut
3. Hire someone to cut it
4. Leave it to grow
If Mom asks YOU to cut it - answer her. Yes or no as you choose.
“One negative voice aimed at me has the incredible power to drown out a thousand positive ones. One of the greatest things I can achieve is to never let it.”
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I can look up screen time and how much time is on this and that. I'm already her POAH and it started to get ridiculous. She's traveled all over the world and done amazing things! Daddy passed 4 yrs ago and he wanted her in assisted living. She wasn't ready then... she's moved 5 times since then. ..always running to a better place. she is in Assisted Living now and still trying to move independently and it's very obvious she's not able. So... I'm her FOG child. Retired nurse... knows enough that she can sabotage anything. AL director told me she "presents very well" of course she does.
So...she told me she had to have the internet to look up her pillfinder app bc they aren't giving her the right pills. So I granted her an hour access to do just that. And she can book a trip in 20 minutes yall!! Internet was removed from phone. I get a call and text every single day on how she's gonna get a new phone and she's not a child and how dare me!! And after that comes "when you come tomorrow I need you to wash some clothes I don't want them washing and bring me this from storage and take this to storage and bring me a happy meal. Every day. And some days I do and some days I don't.
She refuses to go eat in the dining room so she charges $5 a meal to bring them to her room.
but today.... today is the internet.
I'll catch up with yall tomorrow bc when the activity director sits me down and said "Wendy...go home" we can take care of her." I cry....a lot.
but no pity bc I created this by allowing her to be a Queen. I'm taking back a little bit of my freedom one day at a time starting yesterday.
momma replied "well then I can use it."
banker "what about next week when your SS comes in?"
mom said "they will take a payment."
banker "how much?"
mom "I don't know but i wrote it down"
banker "do you have any ppwk?"
mom....."no but his name is Steve Smith and he talked to me for a long time."
So we googled the phone #.
scam alert.
"banker closed acct"
30 min later we are home and this man called her landline and left a vm.
Steve Smith is a fake name for some off shore scam company called "Lending Free" not "The lending tree"
I am now flat broke!!! Every penny goes to her upkeep. She wants to help me but she wants to help herself more.
I brought her acct up to positive....again.
assisted living is not cheap. But apparently i am and im wondering who is caring for who here?
im taking back my life. I've lived through hers for 4 years and ive got no friends bc my bff died 2 yrs ago and I was taking of my moms daily wants and I should have been there for my friend before it got too late.
im exhausted!!!!
You need to have control of all finances now as the POA. When my brother got Lewy's I managed ALL finances, as Trustee and POA. I set up all accounts; I paid all bills; all bills came to me. Took a solid year to get it all set up, but once up and running was a simple matter of keeping files and keeping track of every penny in and out of accounts. I was the sole signee for any checking accounts as the POA. I provided my brother with a small personal checking account for his own needs, and somehow he only GREW that; was always a saver.
Your Mom has dementia and is giving away her money. That won't stop. You need now to get together with this banker and need to get this all set up so that it is running smoothly and your mom has no control of finances. This is very hard work, but once it is accomplished it is all protected and settled.
Your mother shows that she is not making good financial decisions. Therefore, you have to do that for your mom. She won't like it but that is neither here nor there at this point. It's not about pleasing her or doing what she wants - it's about meeting her needs - which is, as she is not longer capable of handling her money sensibly, her appointed agent (POA) has to do it for her.
Looks like your mom is playing you like a violin. That has to stop. I am glad you are taking your life back. The caregiver's needs count as much as those of the person being cared for.
Time and again here we read stories of the demented senior running the show and the caregiver child (adult) driven to distraction by the craziness. That's no good at all. The roles have to be reversed. It has to work for the caregiver and be on their terms, with consideration, of course, for the senior.
I suspect she has been manipulative all her life and that makes things harder for you as you have been groomed to believe that her whims and wishes are more important than anything else. You do NOT have to run around daily getting/doing things she wants. Decide how much time you can/will devote to her needs/wishes and don't do any more than that. You are very enmeshed with her and need to disengage somewhat. Not easy but doable.
Her money should be paying for all her care and keep. Not a cent of yours should be. If she cannot afford where she is now living, find somewhere that she can afford and plan on her using medicaid. I believe there are some ALs that take it and certainly NHs do. Your job is to look after you first and then her. You need your finances for your old age.
Sounds like your mother uses FOG - Fear, Obligation and Guilt to get you to run in circles for her. I see you feel it is time to get out of the FOG and take charge of your life. That is great. All power to you. Draw the boundaries you need for your own welfare and for this situation to work for you too. Set up the consequences that you can enforce. Focus more on you and your needs. Your mom won't like it but that's OK. You are important too. Set time apart for yourself when you do things for you. Come here for support - we can do that for you.
Wishing you all the best for this very difficult situation. (((((hugs)))))
"FOG"
and
"Dont set yourself on fire to keep the other person warm".
WOW. Thank you all so much.