
Many of us, myself included, come from a dysfunctional family which adds a lot of weight to the challenges of caregiving. I have read stores on various threads on other topics and decided it would be good to have a thread just for this topic for people to share, vent and discuss.
The idea for this thread originated on the thread named "The Caregiver....How are YOU doing today?"
“If caring is a crime, I’m innocent.”
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“I love myself because, well, someone has to set a good example!”
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“Being in a relationship with myself means I get all the chocolates.”
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“I love myself even when I forget where I parked.”
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“You can’t spell ‘awesome’ without ‘me’.”
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“Let your light shine bright so the other weirdos can find you.”
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“My self-love is so strong, it could lift weights.”
She had a family friend fill them out instead of me, likely because she doesn't think my perfectly legible handwriting is good enough and doesn't trust me even though I'm perfectly capable of doing such a simple job. My mom has said it without saying it.
She's been speaking highly of the friend's handwriting on multiple occasions and made positive compliments about other friends' handwriting and likes how an older cousin of ours has the handwriting of a 3rd grader...with me standing next to her while she said it all.
Talk about being tone deaf.
It's the equivalent of someone not getting asked to a big dance that would be a perfect date and his/her friends are openly talking about their plans in front of the person in question while he/she is staving off depression and rage.
I made note of the lack of trust on my mom's end to the family friend as I showed her out the door and showed her how my handwriting looks. I showed her the pictures of the past envelopes my mom wouldn't accept because they were a little too high and the handwriting wasn't 100% perfect. I noted that because mine isn't good enough in my mom's eyes, it was the reason why it was her filling that paperwork out instead of me. She was stunned and while we talked, she told me she wanted to tell my mom to finally start PT while she was here. However, I noted it was a good thing she didn't because while she and my mom were visiting, my mom got emotional over my dad, telling her that his birthday is coming up.
The PT talk + a notable event upcoming, along with Mother's Day...no bueno.
The stupid stuff can drive you nuts.
Your mother will never do PT ( at home anyway) . She likes things just the way they are .
Read about grey rock . Don’t let Mom see that her disapprovals bother you .
I say this in the spirit of friendship because someone needs to say it to you.
You're a professional victim. You've been living in your own victimhood for so long that you don't even try to get away from your mother's abusive behavior. All of your posts here say the same thing. Your mother is an entitled, abusive senior brat who has no respect for you. No matter what you do for her she either minimizes your efforts or finds fault with it somehow. Yet you keep coming back for more. You remind me of the cartoon character Charlie Brown. Every time he came running up to kick the football, Lucy would pull it away, he'd fall down, and everyone would laugh. She'd promise time and time again that she wasn't going to and he always believed it.
How many more times are you going to fall flat on your face because let your mother pulls the football away?
Your mother is not going to change. She will never respect you. She is never going to appreciate you or show a moment of gratitude for anything you do for her. So stop.
Stop doing for her. Stop letting her ruin your life. Walk away and let her fend for herself. You have to look out for yourself because no one else is going to.
You're letting your role of being a victim abused by your mother to be your life. Don't you want better for yourself? You deserve better.
Some "wake up and smell the coffee" and realize it's a game that they will never win so they quit playing. Kudos to those of you who have quit the game with the manipulators in your lives.
Bob, your mom is jerking you around to keep you there. The only one who can change this is you. She's got what she wants - basically a servant who does what she wants. She goes on knocking you down to keep you in your place because if you start to feel better about yourself, and realize you deserve to have a life of your own, you would make some different decisions and not be her servant any more.
I remember reading that you have had dreams about what your life could be. It still can happen. Know many here are rooting for you to start living your dream.
If he's a narcissist she is much better off without him!!!
My mom's been trying so hard to manipulate me into doing a bunch of deep cleaning of her house, I just haven't been easily manipulated. Finally my sister showed up, this week and did it. 😆 She shows about every 3 months, so I got a break this week!!
Golden, yeah, she is the one with the foot operation, not sure the details, but she was supposed to stay at his house to recover, then something about him , dumping garbage on her head , the day of the operation. So that's why I got so stuck into helping her, that wasn't the plan. Anyways things are starting to sink in and her brother got here to help.
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Don’t be too happy when people say the love you and care for you. The real question is “until when”??
Ideally ,family, if they can do so, need to sit down together and make a plan for mom's care in the near and not so near future. Sounds like the plan for the near needs is happening. %hat's terrific!!! It's important to be proactive, not reactive.
People with Alzheimer's often end up needing 24/7 professional care in a facility. I really wonder, at this point, if your mom should be living alone. Her dr would be the one to assess that. I think her motility will be further decline once her toes have been amputated.
In most cases it is not wise for family to move in with an Alz senior or for the senior to move in with family. The care quickly becomes too much. Your bro has work demands and you and your other subs have serious health issues. You have already found that it is too stressful.
I am glad you now have hope. There is a way through this. I'm not saying it will be a walk in the park, but it is doable if you all make sensible informed decisions. and most importantly, look after yourselves.
I do want to stress that any plans for your mom must be made in light of her finances. Medicaid is there for people who cannot afford NHs. Has your mom appointed a POA financial and medical?
It's very nice to see siblings who can work together. We don't always see that here. Please keep us udated. I hope your sis comes here too. There is lots of great information and support.
Wishing you all the best in working this through. I'll add my prayers for wisdom in working everything out. ((((hugs))))
Daisy - Glad your sis helped. Stand firm with your mom. Also glad your gf's bro came to help her. That's appropriate. It doesn't all have to fall on you. Some of us who were brought up to be helpers/fixers need to stand back and leave room for others to step up.
I have started communicating again with my BPD daughter. We are keeping it about her and her kids which tends to work better. I read here about how parents expect their kids to help them and it makes me wonder.
He had a couple very intense suicide attempts , and an abandoned mill, fire , good times, 🤣🤔🤣. So I'm just very proud, of what he became
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“May you attract someone who speaks your language
so you don’t have to spend a lifetime translating your soul.”
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“Friendship is a wildly underrated medication.”
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“Before you put on a frown, make absolutely sure there are no smiles available.”
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To anybody I offended this year:
Work on yourself
so I don’t gotta do it again in 2026.
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“An idea that is not dangerous is unworthy of being called an idea at all.”