The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Thanks, emjo. It will be 6 weeks before my wife can eat normal food once again. Right now, she is on a liquid diet and then will progress to baby food type food, etc. I'm finding it tough to stick with my diet and exercise program. I am so out of shape that I have to lay down and rest after each 30 minute walk, but I am loosing weight. One tough thing I'm finding about eating when out of town is only eating half of the meal when you are really not in a situation where you can take the other half home or back to the hotel room, but you have to pay for the whole meal. I feel good though that I have lost 7 pounds although I was out of town for 2 days one time and 3 days another time.

Cmag good to hear from you and hope all goes well with your wife. I agree most meals are twice as big as we need but when alone we do not have a choice even at our SENIOR CENTER we can not get a smaller portion and we are not suppose to take any food home.

Joan~Thank you for your comment. Lately I have been talking and talking about my sis...I decided I would not meet her today to have dinner with mom.

Let us know how your mom is, I hope it is nothing too serious. I am glad you got to spend time with your grandson on his birthday.

Cmag~You sure have your hands full and hopefully as your wife recovers, thinks will calm for you. I really wish I could motivate myself to walk more. I was walking for about 20 min. in the evening after work (take the dog for walk) but I stopped because a of a drive by shooting (not in my area but close) that happened at night. I am sure it was gang related and from what I have read...most often the person shot at is associated but it is still a little scary.

I am feeling better about the situation with sis and decided she has to deal with it. I understand she is hurting from the past...we have all been there and still deal with the fallout, but I think sis will ever get over it simply because I know she blames her health issues and everything that has happened to her on my mom and how we were raised.

My daughter texted me yesterday...she was very unhappy because her hubby is freaking out over finances with adding a baby to mix. He is a worrier with the finances and having a baby just scares him...usual husband reaction. I told her if you need another year to decide then take it. She is just angry because he flip flops back and forth. My son will be here either the 5 or 6th of sept. They won't be staying a week like I thought but that is fine Hubby wants them to make decisions about their things we have in the garage...either take it or dump it. They have no room for it or a garage to store it...smaller stuff may want.

Have a good week everyone!!

I have been doing reviewing abd and am posting info that may help others as well as myself.

From an early stage in your life, you are taught to respect others, and do kind things for them, such as offering hospitality or babysitting. However, in some cases, people begin to take advantage of your generosity and kind nature, expecting more from you than is fair or right. Such people may repeatedly ask you for favors and cause you to feel obliged, without returning any favors or showing you any respect. When the boundaries are crossed, it can be challenging to go back to asserting yourself. If you feel as if there are people in your life who take you for granted, it's time to protect yourself and reset those boundaries.

Acknowledge that improvement begins within. It can be difficult to accept your own role in facilitating a lack of respect from others but this is part of improving your situation and interaction with others. When people recognize you respect yourself, their ability to take you for granted decreases dramatically––the less you seem a pushover, the less they'll push those buttons. And while nobody deliberately sets out to be used up, fear of not being liked, loved or needed can cause some fairly unhealthy self-depriving behaviors, such as:You say yes to everything another person (or any person) asks of you; saying yes is your "default" mode
You are not willing to say no or to ask for a revision of expectations of you out of fear that the other person won't like you or will find fault with you
You believe that a good girl/nice guy does what she or he is told or asked to do, no matter what imposition this places on you
You think that you'll only be liked or loved if you do what other people expect of you
You're afraid of the other person and walk around as if you're on eggshells whenever you're around them (a good sign you need to get away from this explosive person)
You suffer from insecurity, feel needy a lot and can't bear being left alone much
You are always self-deprecating, putting yourself down, making it sound like you have faults while the other person only has virtues
No matter how unhappy you're feeling, you don't say anything but hide it deep and resolve to pretend you're okay with what's happening
You're easily intimidated by anyone who is loud, talkative, bossy or simply authoritarian
You're a seething mass of unspoken resentment; you're angry, fed up and overwhelmed but you'd never dare tell anyone, just let it eat away at you inside.

Honor yourself. Only you can set a boundary and stick to it. If other people perceive that you're willing to let your boundaries be merged with their needs, sadly, there are many out there who will take that invitation and make the most of it to get their own way. And many of them lack guilt or consideration, so don't expect them to "see the light" and suddenly become nicer to you.


Practice clear thinking. Before you can be clear to others, you will need to be clear to yourself. What is it that you want from life? How do you actually want to interact with other people from this point on?
Be prepared to challenge your irrational and catastrophic interpretations of interactions with other people––by stopping yourself from believing that the other person will give up on you if you assert yourself, you begin to clarify your own wants and needs in a much healthier way.
Be more optimistic and self-caring. What is important to you? Why are you so willing to set that aside for another person? Rational self talk is an important requirement for better self care (see "Tips").
Practice clear speaking. Ambiguity about your wants is a major reason why some people choose to take advantage of others. If you cannot voice your preferences and limitations, then the other person will take the ambiguity and silence as acquiescence to their needs. Start making clear statements about what matters to you and why you insist on your own needs.
Find nice ways to say things like no, stop, not again and do it yourself. Part of the fear may be about seeming rude or selfish. Using polite language and good manners will help you a great deal, as will the realization that it is not selfish to give the best of yourself to other people and that best of you is the a fully functional, emotionally healthy human being.
3Seek help. Most of the behaviors listed in the previous step are not personal faults but learned helplessness, learned guilt and learned reactivity to people who have probably mistreated you in some way in the past. Once the pattern forms, it can be hard to break, especially if you have had long-term dealings with someone who was in a position of authority over you and made you feel you had to obey all the time. Don't be harsh on yourself––these behaviors have formed as coping mechanisms, ways to protect yourself from harm and threat. The trouble is that they have now become poor coping mechanisms that keep setting you up for the same fall each time. Working through them will help you to feel happier and safer.
Some people are able to make a decision to work through the issues alone, perhaps with the aid of bibliotherapy or a good friend or mentor. Other people find seeing a therapist or counselor is beneficial. Whatever you feel will work for you, take that route, because it is important to restore your sense of worthiness before you will find enough strength to put a stop to other people pushing you around.
Explore with your therapist or through your journal writing whether you're conflict avoidant. Those who steer clear of conflict all the time risk being taken for granted because they're seen to always settle for "peace" in place of challenging another. The trouble with this is that the "peace" is dearly bought by shutting down your own needs instead, so that the battle rages within.
4Learn to stop taking other people's demands personally. A big part of allowing oneself to be taken for granted is to treat other people's needs as a reflection of your goodness and ability. Just because someone else asks or demands something of you does not mean that this person has a right to expect you to perform miracles, to react without complaint or to actually do what they want of you. There is no shame in pointing out your own needs and prioritizing them when you know that doing so is the fairer outcome.


People who respond to an unwillingness to do something for them may use emotional blackmail, such as telling you that you're lazy, mean, or selfish. They might suggest that by placing your interests above theirs that you don't care about them. Any such talk is manipulative, aimed at making you give into their own selfish preferences and if they are unable to see the irony in their behavior, that is not your mission to fix. Simply protect yourself above all and let them learn that you're not willing to be their pushover.
Remind yourself that another person's lack of planning or understanding is not your emergency. It's a lesson for them to learn that they need to be better organized or more self-responsible, rather than being manipulative, angry or bossy.
5Realize that setting boundaries is about balance, not withdrawal. Some people fear asserting boundaries lest they be seen as selfish and unwilling to do anything for anyone. This is just as black and white an approach as always saying yes. Realize that boundary-setting is a practice of moderation, in which you assess requests for your help with discernment and choose to help when you know it is the right thing to do and it won't deplete you. Boundary-setting is about teaching those around you that your availability to acquiesce to their needs is dependent on the worthiness of the request, not on how much they can push your buttons when they feel like it. In other words, it's about asserting your right to being respected and in turn, respecting them when they have earned such respect.
Dealing with the other person

In individual cases, you may need to take an active stance with a person to show that you've changed and won't accept being taken for granted any longer. While you cannot change another person, you can notify them that you're no longer willing to play by the rules that they set, even if this upsets them.
1Talk directly to the offender. Don't hedge or beat about the bush––come out and state the fact that you cannot do something and give the reason why. Explain that your time matters as much as anyone else's and that you don't accept being treated as if you are always available no matter what else is happening. Remain polite and don't make it personal; be firm and make it clear that you mean what you say.


Stick with "I" language. It's easy to fall into the trap of saying things like "you make me feel about 1 inch high" and "you have made me miserable these past years" but all that does is make the other person defensive and they'll come up with a long list of rebuttals that can make your head spin (which risks you feeling so bad you give in again). Instead, stick with explaining how things impact you and start your sentences with such phrases as "I feel", "I want", "I need", "I am going to" and "I am doing this from now on". No need to get all emotional, even though undoubtedly you will feel this way inside. Instead, use facts and straightforward statements to bolster your wants and decisions from this point on.
When you first start asserting yourself, it's really easy to fall into the pattern or using smiles, giggling or trying to self-efface because it's really scary standing up for yourself when you haven't done it before (or in a long time). However, avoid doing anything like giggling or attempting to soften the blows with lots of smiles because this signals that you're not serious and the other person may well just treat this as a one-off case of the jitters and resume treating you the same way the next time. Don't grimace or look stern but do adopt a business, poker-like face that you'd see on a professional in their daily work––matter of fact, straight to the point and no messing about.
Stay calm. Above all, keep your resentment, anger or frustration under control. While there may be plenty of negative emotions within you, focus on presenting a calm front and letting the other person know that you're not unstable or attacking but that you do mean business.
2Find a script. It can be helpful to rehearse what you want to say to the other person before you explain what will happen from this point on. Write it down, read it through and get comfortable with the main points. Nobody ever remembers verbatim a rehearsed script like this because the emotions and context will require changes as you go, but it does help to have your mind primed by having gone through something along the lines of what you want to say. For example:
Sally: Hi, I just wanted to talk to you about something.
Elizabeth: Yes?
Sally: You asked me yesterday if I could babysit your son. But I have already babysat him twenty times in the past month. Unfortunately I can't babysit him today again, because I have a few errands to run and then I have my own children's needs to attend to.
Elizabeth: What... but you promised!
Sally: Elizabeth, I don't remember promising you anything. I have things to do, too, you know. Sometimes I am very busy, and I won't always be available.
Elizabeth: But I'm your best friend!
Sally: I know you are. And I am yours––it's just that I am not your babysitter on call. Liz, I am fine with watching your son on occasion, but I can't do this all the time, and definitely not without notice. From now on, please promise me you won't keep asking me for constant babysitting favors. I will notify you in the future when I am available to babysit but right now I need a break from it. Thanks for your understanding.
3Try hard to avoid viewing each encounter as a "negative confrontation". The idea of "confrontation" suggests a battle of wills in which someone wins and someone loses. This is not what you're after––think about wanting an outcome that is constructive, in which the person at the other end learns something about you they didn't know before and you have the opportunity to clear the air. Seek a win-win situation, in which this person knows that you will respect them and be happy to help with worthy requests but that you will no longer be at their beck and call for anything trivial, demeaning or that takes advantage of you.
When you feel that this is turning into a battle of wills, remind yourself of the end outcome and what you really want. In most cases, it is to reassert yourself and get to a healthy relationship in which both of you are comfortably aware of the boundaries.
Remember reciprocation. In most cases you won't be seeking to shut down all requests for help, just those that don't respect your boundaries or dignity. By all means make it clear when you will be there for the other person, such as when they give birth, fall ill, need a once-a-year break or need occasional help with something you're expert at. You determine how much help you're willing to give and then make it absolutely clear.
4Be consistent. Make it clear to the offender that when you say "no", you mean it. Don't give in to any manipulations; instead, stand your ground. Remember, if you can't stick with your boundaries, then you will most likely continue to be taken advantage of. Consistency means that from this point onward, you stick to the clear boundaries you've defined with this person and don't allow leakage; the moment you allow any boundary-crossing, being taken for granted risks starting up all over again.

No more boundary leakage...
No more boundary leakage...
For example, say that you have told George that you'll mow his lawns and check his mail when he is overseas in September. George goes away and you duly do as said. Then George leans on you when he returns by telling you what a great mowing job you've been doing while he was away and could you continue to do it every month. This isn't something you're the least bit keen about. If you agree, then you've shown an inconsistency and George may well end up asking you to trim the hedges, wash the deck and prune the trees as well. If you don't agree, explaining that your help was an example of when you're willing to help out once in a while, then George will know you mean it.


EditTips

Prevention is the key. In the future, avoid doing any 'big things' or making sacrifices for people unless you can really afford the time, effort, money, and so forth. Avoid letting occasional favors turn into the new status quo.
Rational thinking and self-soothing can help you a lot if you're compelled to do other people's bidding out of fear of losing the relationship. Rational thinking helps you to stop making things up about the other person's tenuous interest in you and can help you see that the truth is that the other person needs you just as much (if not more) and in most cases, won't run off. And if he or she does, you're better off for it. Avoid making assumptions and instead, look for evidence and stop mind reading. Finally, assert yourself by asking directly when you don't know something.
Be assertive while being friendly; remember to still be polite. Rudeness won't change a thing but it does give a hook to the other person to insist that you owe them because you have hurt their feelings.

I see a lot of great info in this for those of us who are at a "point" we want to detach as I do. Read it and take from it what applies to your situation. Hugs and blessings!!

I have learned with age, sympathy and patience. But more importantly I have learned what my emotional limits are. I am now the last one to volunteer.

It took me a long time to realize that my MIL is not the 'nice' person she seems to others. I have cared for her and nursed her through some really difficult surgeries and it nearly did me in. The less she could do and the more I did for her - the angrier she got. No one saw 'this side' of her but me. Not even my husband fully believed that what I told him happened - actually happened. Until finally, one evening - she let the 'nasties' slip through her lips in his presence.

It wasn't long after this that I overheard her (a FULL HOUR) telling all manner of lies, half truths, and fabrications to her Social Worker. This is the woman I thought loved me like a daughter. Turns out, she had also been telling these same lies and twisted half truths to anyone she spoke to or saw - and we do have mutual church friends who came by to see her regularly. Of course, THEY didn't tell me what my MIL had told them. She sounds 'perfectly normal' and what she says sounds like it COULD actually have happened. The only problem is that she twisted everything into something snide and uncaring and mean spirited on my part. Believe me, I did not treat her this way!

Well, that was Aug. 16, 2012. That was the day that our relationship DIED. The person I thought I knew is dead to me. I bought a ticket to AZ and went to visit family until I 'recovered' emotionally - somewhat. Hubby missed me terribly - so I came home too soon. BUT, before I left for AZ I had a long, long talk with my doctor (who is also my MIL's doctor) and he explained that she had anger and rage issues. I also believe she may be a pathological liar. THAT IS ANOTHER WHOLE STORY. So, when I came home, I told my hubby that his mother was not longer allowed to just 'walk into' our home - her apt. is attached to our home. I covered the windows on my French doors with coordinating fabric to match my window coverings so that I could walk around my kitchen area without having her 'watch' me. She uses the room adjacent to our kitchen for crafts, reading, etc.

After I cam home, I also backed WAY OFF in my caregiving. I guess you could say I set some boundaries. It took 3 months for me to speak to her again and even now, I do not spend any length of time with her. I am no longer her companion.

During those 3 months, my hubby took her her meals (which I still prepare) and delivered her med boxes, and did all the 'dealing' with his mother. I no longer take her to her appointments. I refuse to be alone with her for any length of time and this is still the case one year later. I WILL NOT do this even once - because if I do it once more, it will be my JOB again and I will not put myself in that position with her again. The very thought of being alone with her for more than 2-3 minutes makes me feel sick inside.

Ultimately - these boundaries have given me my life back. I still do all the same care giving - cleaning, meds, scheduling appointments, bills, food prep, shopping - but I am no longer in charge of her happiness. I am in charge of MINE. I have decided that MY health, MY happiness, MY life are just as important as hers.

She betrayed me, vilified me for at least 2 years (that we know of) and until just very recently - NEVER said a kind thing about me to anyone. I recently heard her tell someone that I cook her meals and clean for her. This is as close to a compliment as I have ever received. I have not heard her say anything derogatory about me for 2-3 months. But, sadly, this is 'too little - too late' - I am afraid the damage she did to our relationship is permanent. By the way - she takes NO responsibility for what has happened and the changes in our relationship. She tells others that she doesn't understand 'why I am the WAY I am now' and that she hopes I 'get over it' soon. She hasn't a clue. Either that or she truly is living in her own little bubble.

I am ok with the arrangement now - I can live with it and I AM LIVING. I plan trips and take them. Thankfully, our kids and the church friends 'cover' for us when we are gone. My MIL is able to care for her personal needs. I have a month's worth of med. boxes and we are planning to be gone THREE WEEKS early next year.

I have told her other kids that if an emergency happens while we are away - SHE IS THEIR BABY - HANDLE IT!! She will have meals on wheels, twice daily phone calls and evening meals with my kids while we are gone.

So, yes, we can reclaim our life. We just have to let go of the guilt (I feel that if her other kids - who have done absolutely nothing to help with her care for the last 8 years can live with NO guilt - then why on earth should I feel guilty about wanting to live my life - after spending 8 years looking after their mother!)

We (hubby and I agree on this) have decided that when she can no longer handle her personal needs (the things that would require me to do hands-on care) or get up/down safely - then she will go to a nursing home.

She is coming home from rehab tomorrow. My hubby told her to WORK HARD and get strong - that SHE is the one who determines where she goes when released - home or nursing home. So, the subject has been 'broached' and she knows that my health - both physical and emotional - will no longer support one on one - helpless/bedridden type care. Been there - done that. She says it never happened :0)

Well, enough for now. Just wanted to say that deciding to SAVE MYSELF came almost too late and not without considerable cost. My health suffered tremendously and I was near a breakdown before I finally realized that 'IF IT IS TO BE - IT IS UP TO ME!!"

sharynmarie - OMG! I swear you wrote that just as I needed it! Thank you for that post! I have just made the realization that it wasn't alcholism with my mother - it was that and NPD. Add a stroke and assisted living to it - oh my! My mother has been raging this week and somehow it is my fault the place is horrible, food is bad, it's filthy etc...so trying to put this all off until her meds set it - she's refusing to take them so they are crushing it in her food. She calling me demanding I get her out. I am trying so hard to set my boundaries and thought I was doing a fair job - then my husband said in my conversation I basically asked permissing to hang up...saying "ok" instead of I am hanging up now...ugh. I don't even remember saying it! I know it is a process and posts like yours are so helpful! Thanks again to all of you for being here for us just opening our eyes!

Sharynmarie,

Isn't your sister supposed to be in charge of financial things regarding your mother? If the answer to this is yes, then shouldn't she be the one giving your mother cash when she needs it? That she doesn't meet certain responsibilities in this area is really on her.

I sense, that she uses these scenarios to bait you...then unfortunately because you are very kind, and I understand that maybe you don't want your mom w/o cash, if she's asking for some. However, I'd suggest that you not get roped into this situation.

These are some of the dynamics my sister has used on me.....when she's asked whether I could go cover for an absent caregiver, then things are all confused at their home, especially now w/growing care needs of her own daughter w/two babies. The last time, this happened, I stayed since I'd already made the drive, and thought, well I'll just visit mom anyway. I spend a lot on gas when I go there, so didn't want that to just be waisted. Well, after 5 hrs. had passed, and really I was ready to leave, my sister now called me from her job w/a spur of the moment plan to dash off to her daughter's house saying she wanted to see those grandkids. This didn't make any sense to me, since the daughter and her kids spend just about everyday at mom's and sister's home. So you see what I'm saying here. I have to watch this, or I'll get swooped up into their confusion, and truth be told, I realize that my sister pumps up her own "power over me," (the one she used to have) now having me in her clutches. Yes, it worked as a major guilt trip on me.....since I did end up staying a couple hours longer.

But.....after that, I totally detached from her w/the phone calls, etc.
It's not easy when we are dealing with either controllers, manipulators, etc.
I have a cousin who has now gone to the other world.. and he used to tell me when these kinds of things happen, one must show these people some indifference. I totally agree! We have to learn to decipher when to pull back.

Maybe it's time for you to do the visits alone, w/Midget, oh Bridgette.

Much Love & LIght! Margeaux

Margeaux~You are correct. Like I said, if it was important enough for her to be "the good guy" she could have stopped at the bank on her way over. Like your sister, my sister does see herself as superior to me. On Friday, she said she would let me know about meeting for dinner again on Monday (yesterday). She didn't...so I emailed her saying I take it you are not coming down for dinner. I don't want to be in the middle of making dinner for my husband and get a call from you that you are waiting for me. She forgot. It still comes down to the fact that she thinks her time is more valuable than mine. Yes, I am not going to visit with her anymore. I will go by myself with Bridgette (she will always be Midget to mom and I won't change that).. I have enjoyed my time with my mom and I am not going to let my sister interfere with that or change it. I am not going to schedule my time on my days off to accommodate her. Well gotta go, thank you and hugs!!

Juju,

Congratulations about this diagnosis regarding your mom. So glad that she finally has a cast on it, so it can heal. Much to be said about persistence.
I know that was very rough on both of you too.

Oh, I know too....last week while my husband had the catheter in, and it really made me nervous, because now I not only had to be wary of infection about the Laparoscopic incisions, but now this! We made two trips, he having the catheter in because he hadn't pee'd the necessary amount on his own. So on top of the actual day of the surgery's drama, interrupted sleep, etc. Now I had to take him to two appts. last week, finally the second one on Wed., he was sent home w/o the catheter, and he doesn't need it any more. So Thurs., he says to me, "I still am feeling kind of tired." I responded, "Well yes!! You just had a procedure not an entire week ago, have been dealing w/catheter, so sure your body wasn't rested, now the surgery has to heal. I really know he took this in-out patient procedure literally. I have to keep reminding him to refrain from doing certain tasks so he doesn't mess w/the healing of the hernia.

I who have become my husband's caregiver really appreciate and realize how much people such as you do for your mother. I ask myself, "How do you do it."
Really, especially to the degree and many times for the length of time many people do this for loved ones.

You're dong an A+ job, Juju!
But remember to take some time out for yourself, if that be some chocolate,
a bubble shower/bath, anything! It helps! I've been resorting to a bit of good chocolate.

Take care, and I'll continue to think of you and mom, (which I did last week),
for her healing, and your continuing strength to deal with this.

May the Force be with you!
Much Love & Light! Margeaux

AAARRRGGGHHHH - Wouldn't you be upset if you just found out your parents had passed away? Or would you expect antidepressants to fix the emotional shock?

My sis that is a Licensed Professional Counselor had mom and husband to lunch at her house Saturday. During their visit sis asked hubby if mom was still taking anti-depressants, to which he answered no, but she actually is and he just doesn't know what mom is taking any more. Then sis followed up with a phone call today to again ask about the antidepressants. He, of course told her yes that mom is taking them. Then sis started a discussion about how the antidepressants would help with mom's emotional upset when she thinks she has just found out for the first time that her parents have passed away. REALLY!! My response would have been, well wouldn't you be upset the first time you found out your mother or father had passed? Just absurd, how she thinks an antidepressant would help with this. It is the Alzheimer's, not overall depression that causes mom's reaction. She just doesn't get it at all and a counselor at that.

Hi all! Happy Tuesday!

Today was spent at VA downtown Chicago with my father. We go there a few times per month for his different health issues. Lately, he seems to do really well with these doctor visits, enjoying the "outing" and he's come a long way towards accepting his current medical issues and doesn't seem to blame me for them anymore. So this is all very good. Things with my father and caregiving are going as well as can be expected at the moment. There are so many unknowns on the horizon but I try to just take things slow and not worry too much for right now... I remind myself that I am perfectly capable of dealing with whatever comes, and I can relocate if that's what I want to do... or whatever... so this is all good stuff, and I have a bit of peace surrounding my day to day, and caregiving, right now.

My other Family - specifically mom and older bro - are a completely different situation, however. Margeaux, sharyn, you mentioned that your siblings have a bit of a superiority complex towards you. This is by far the largest complaint I have of older bro - he is so arrogant, full of himself, so quick to belittle me in any and every way. It seems to me that he actually is conditioned to LOOK for the ways in which he can argue with me, or contradict me, or put me down. Its as if he NEEDS to do this behavior for some deep personal reason. And at SOME point, now that we are grown adults, you would think he would STOP being like this towards me. He is very narcissistic and controlling. And its frustrating: he doesn't appear to do this - at this level of outright snottiness and attitude - with anyone else except for me and my younger brother... I've been looking for ways to admire him, look up to him, all my life... I keep doing it even now. I think it may be time for me to STOP making excuses for him, and STOP allowing him to make me feel so small and demeaned whenever I have contact with him. Hmm.

Anyway, I'm still trying to put the pieces together in the way of defining the behaviors that my mom and brother do that I cannot allow to continue to hurt me going forward. Its a tough subject for me and, sharyn, I really appreciate the ABD post. These are the kinds of articulate ideas that puts things into words that I can't... know what I mean? Margeaux, I liked the EFT info. I took a look at it, it may be something I want to use as well.

Cmag, this may not be anything you are interested in, but are you familiar with the documentary "Fat, Sick, and Nearly Dead?" Its about juicing for both weight loss and health improvement. I, personally, have never had much excess weight, but after watching this doc, I did begin juicing, and I know its improved my health so much, across the board, and I'm just so thankful I finally tried it... so just wanted to mention to you... its actually quite entertaining to watch (imo), and you can find it all over the internet, usually for free. I hope all is going well for you and wife.

Oldcodger, I'm happy that you have taken back your life. I'm sorry MIL is such a royal b. Like you, I wonder what exactly goes on in the minds of these people... I wonder if my own mom is loony in the head, or just mean and manipulative when she wants to be, or??? And her behavior isn't all the time, or to everyone... there are people in this world that think my mother is a wonderful human being... she volunteers with her church, etc. But I've been on the other end of things with her, and it's scary what she is capable of.

Sad1, I couldn't agree more. Its also hard right now for me to see where I've been handing over the reigns to Dys Family, and even harder to implement real change. "The tools" and techniques are all so helpful. And then lots of "practice," I'm sure. ;D

Juju, I'm glad your mom's leg is finally treated properly and can begin to heal. Margeaux said "much to be said about persistence," and that resonated with me. I very much feel like I've been ran around in circles, metaphorically and literally, in trying to obtain proper/necessary medical care for my father. I do know how you feel. Its beyond frustrating and you want someone, anyone, to show some sort of basic level of accountability/follow through/competency on the medical pros side of things... harumph... since they don't, my option is to keep driving all over this city, to all kinds of doctors, waiting for something to, finally, "get done right." Lol! I hope you and mom are well.

Emjo, are you all recovered from head bang? How are you feeling? I'm sending hugs.

(((Hugs))) to all, hope everyone is doing just fine in your worlds.

Still so tired but the lil dog seemed to take me on a walk this evening was nice breeze out a pretty nite and they had fun sniffing every inch along the way, he pulled me to the dog area down the block, with grass area-10x20' hehehe but they love it anyway how small, he had to get there to poop in the middle!! that's my boy! got to get final paperwork in for payment to get construction started tonite review and done tomoro, all willing! Hang in there! Love n....
Peace,
Juju

I am feeling like I have everything all wrong in my head. Ladee, you complimented me but said you know I don't need. The point is everyone wants to know they are doing a good job, they are valuable. Do I personally tell my sister that she is valuable, yes I do. Probably not often enough. I tell her I love her, we make a great team together because what she doesn't think of I do and visa versa. Is it perfect no, but what ever is perfect.Am I walking away from her, no...I am giving her some space to work out her feelings.

Alison, my sister does not act arrogant towards me...I am sorry your brother does that to you. She has told me that she knows I have her on a pedestal which I don't. I see my sister as my equal but I think, because of our upbringing, she sees me as mom does...the helpless youngest child. I am not superior to my sister or anyone else...is acceptance important...yes we all want to feel we are accepted by others even if we are not as far along on our journey as they are. You are a very intelligent person, probably more emotionally mature that I am and you are on the right path.

Margeaux~When I said that I felt my sister set me up...I realize it was a wrong choice of words. What I mean is that she sets herself up to feel bad about herself. Mom will never validate either one of us even without the PD. To be honest with everyone, I would rather mom was raging at me instead of my sister. That I understand and can handle much better than her saying back to me that she loves me too. Whatever the dynamic is between me and mom or my sister and mom I can only offer support to both of them. I can't do anything else. Yes, I can give some of time to my sister to meet with her and mom to have dinner...really it isn't that much time...right? I can remind my sister to make sure she has something eat if she is meeting with mom alone so the stress and anxiety she feels is not interfering with her blood sugar. I can make sure I have cash on hand to give to mom if sis forgets. Do I want to have to monitor my sister...no I do not. Is it ok that sis forgot mom wanted cash...by all means yes it is understandable. That is why I gave what cash I had to mom...was I thinking I am the good guy now.....hell no I wasn't. I trust my sister completely...but I don't appreciate her comment. Was I not validated by my sister for doing it...no....did I expect to be...NO!

It has been a bad day for me so enough self pity. Hugs to all and I love everyone of you!!

Sharyn, I think I have a way of speaking (and typing) that makes me sound rather composed... I will tell you very truthfully that I feel anything but when it comes to these emotional issues surrounding my mom and brother. I thought all my life that my sexually abusive and absentee father was my biggest emotional challenge... now... I'm not so sure.

All I know is that each and every time I interact with my older bro, I feel *bad* inside. I feel not sure of anything, like I am foolish and broken. And I don't know exactly how we, he and I, manage to do that dynamic year after year after year.

You know the idea that we interpret other's actions or words based on our own mindset at the time? I must've read something in your description of your relationship with sis that triggered some anger and resentment I have towards my bro... and I DO have a ton of anger towards him, at times. I'm trying so hard these days to move beyond that wasted emotion of anger and grow towards something else.

And I couldn't agree more than we need to know we are doing a good job. Maybe this need that I have for encouragement and emotional support is more an individual personality trait, more specific to me... maybe I am more like this than others?... but definitely I have this need, too. And the other day when you told me that I was doing a good job, it just warmed my insides. I crave encouragement. And I think thats why dealing with my overly critical Family is just so darn hard for me, at times, and why as a child I just crumbled and hated myself and my life so much... and now to be back here and confronted with it all over again... and my babbling on here is so much about how I'm try to analyze my way into Some level of understanding of wtf is going on with these lifelong relationships/emotions... but sharyn, your praise and encouragement makes all the difference to me. I'm just so thankful to have you, and the others here. You say you put out "self pity," I say you put out "helpful life changing lessons for me." So, thanks, sister! Hope you have a better tomorrow.

Alison~Thank you!! My eldest brother will have nothing to do with me. He has some contact with my second eldest brother and sister but it is limited. I tried to get him to meet in Idaho (a neutral territory) He lives in Montana. He wants nothing do to with us. He told my sis a couple months ago that he does not know me. Well,. that was why I reached out to him. I don't know him either. He decided a long time time ago to wash his hands of all of us. Unfortunately, my parents lived vicariously through my eldest brothers accomplishments. He was great at sports and received lots of recognition for it....but so did my parents. Our city was only about 14,000 then. High school football was a big deal for small agricultural city. With both parents working locally, they received lots of attention because my brother was very aggressive with sports. My parents put him on a pedestal very early (something many parents did with an eldest son).My whole childhood revolved around my brothers sports. My second oldest brother is only 11 months younger than my oldest...I have great memories of him playing with me. I don't have that with my eldest which is why I reached out to him. The point I am trying make in my clumsy way...is that I had to accept that my brother does not want a relationship. I could have offered to go to Montana but i am not comfortable doing that because his wife's older brother attempted to molest me when I was 14. It happened on their wedding day. They have a great relationship with her brother. I decided that it was best to let them just be as they are because my parents used that info about sil's brother to hurt them. Too much baggage, too many hurts for all of us. I sincerely mean it that you are doing great by your father regardless of the past. I enjoy your posts because you are very insightful. Thank you again!! My sister, love you and big hugs!!

lurking and waiting for my head to settle down - a friend says it will probably take another couple of weeks and I would say that is right if I could graph what has been happening. I have written a bit on other threads but find this one takes more concentration,

I think both of you, Alison, and sharyn hit on something (many things) important - the need for affirmation. We, who were grew up in dysfunctional families, may need it more that those who grew up in a more normal family, as they had it as children, and we did not - in fact, quite the opposite. I think both of you and others here are doing a wonderful job.

We struggle with some very deep and painful issues, and I am amazed at the human spirit which shows through even the worst struggles, Sharyn, there is nothing wrong in your head, believe me. That we are here, struggling against enormous odds to keep our compassion and ourselves in one piece speaks of courage and integrity of the highest order.

My hat is off to everyone.

Just got back from seeing mom. The community called say she has a rash all over her body. They called the dr. but he hasn't called back. By the time I got there dr. had called saying to give her Benadryl sp?) I agreed because what she has is red spots on her belly....varying sizes from pin prick to regular mole sizes. I have them too and the dr. told me back in my 30's when they showed up it has to do with pigment in the skin...worse case is it could be a liver issue but mom has had these for years. I went to Walgreens got Bemadryl. Gave it to her, dressed her for bed, and all is well. I talked with sis while at the community and told her not to come down. i will go back tomorrow before work to check on her but I don't think she will need any more benadryl. Hugs again and thanks for hearing me out!!

Just so you know...in the future, i will not agree to giving her benedryl for this. I was caught off guard and I really don't think she needed it. This is where I need to think quicker for moms benefit. I made a mistake and will have to be quicker in my response not just going by what they say.

sharyn - don't chastise yourself for such a small thing. The Benadryl won't hurt your mum. You are doing a great job! Admit it!!! lol

Joan~LOL!! We all are doing a great job. Just like raising children, we learn as we go.

After reading everyones posts I realized that I really didn't think about validation being very important. Everyones input gave me a light bulb moment. Thank you all for that and I will work on validating my sister more. Hugs to you all!!

Sad1~I am happy the post about detaching was helpful for you. How is your mother doing? I hope she is settling down some.

OK, I'm grumpy today, I'm the first to admit it. Emjo, Sharyn, Juju, Margeaux, and a few others this seems like a cliquish group. I'm especially grumpy because I just finished an online class and submitted my final project only to find out there were two areas I had to submit it to. So, who knows what the prof will do, my project was obviously complete, just not posted in both areas. Each night before I go to sleep I check in on this thread to see what other sorts of things you other caregivers from dysfunctional families have to deal with which at times is therapeutic and I thank each of you for that.

glad - sorry you are feeling grumpy. Can you get your project posted in the other area. The prof may be able to help if you contact him or her. Sounds like an honest mistake.

re cliques - Some of us do interact more than others because some post more. than others. Have your posts not been responded to? Generally I try to respond to everyone's posts but the last week or so have not been able to due to a sore head - literally. I can't comment on others. Hope you will keep posting.

gladimhere~I am sorry. I admit I have been self absorbed. Usually I try to acknowledge new posters but if someone else has given them great info, then I don't respond. You are important to us so please keep posting.

Thank you Emjo and Sharyn. I don't know what the prof will do and is aware of the problem. I'm not the only one that had the same problem. But it is a huge online class through CourseEra, started with 22,000 in the class, a high of about 42,000, now 9,000 that are active and completing assignment. They have a class coming up about Alzheimer's and caregiving, They are completely free and taught by leading universities and professors.

I posted yesterday, extremely frustrated with my licensed professional counselor sibling who thinks that antidepressants will cure my mom's emotional upset when she thinks she had not been told about her parents deaths and did not attend the funeral. She is a freaking idiot and has no idea what this disease has done to her mother. How could she with three or four visits a year each about 2-3 hours. She was in tears at a rude comment her son made, most likely about his grandmother and her memory. Some therapist, huh? Wouldn't want her counseling me, that's for darn sure!! She has absolutely no clue what this disease does to people and especially her own mother.