
Many of us, myself included, come from a dysfunctional family which adds a lot of weight to the challenges of caregiving. I have read stores on various threads on other topics and decided it would be good to have a thread just for this topic for people to share, vent and discuss.
The idea for this thread originated on the thread named "The Caregiver....How are YOU doing today?"
(((((((hugs))))))) I have sympathy for you and your frustration with your sis. Mine has a 2 yr diploma in counselling on top of a regular degree, and doesn't have much more sense than yours. I don't think she has accepted the diagnosis of BPD and attributes it to age while the personality has been there all our lives. Sounds like yours is in denial too. She obviously doesn't have a clue about Alz. and your mum's condition. Have to agree I wouldn't want her or my sis counselling me and I feel sorry for those they do work with. Have you sent here any information about Alz? Not that she couldn't find it for herself if she wanted to. ((((((hugs)))) hang in there. I tend not to share things with my sis as it only results in trouble,
How are you doing? I am so glad for you that your wife came out of the surgery, and is recovering now. Yes, this liquid diet I'm sure is hard for her, as well as for you.
My husband also had a hernia procedure, this week w/be week #2, post-op.
His was of the Inguinal type. We had to go the catheter route last week, just after the surgery, got through that, they removed it after a few days. Now, we're dealing with keeping him regular. I've been avoiding things such as rice, and richer foods. It's been somewhat of a challenge over here.
Well, I'm glad to hear that you are losing the weight. Seems unfair that one orders these meals, and you can't take it with you.
All right my friend, I wish you and your wife well, you....hang in there!
I'm thinking about both of you.
Hugs, Much Love & Light! Margeaux
Gladimhere, I have to admit I kind of giggled at first when I read your comment re "cliquish group." My first gallows-sense-of-humor thought was "you don't WANT to belong to this 'club'" lololol! But there's no clique, just get in where you fit in, and in my experience, it takes a few posts to start to understand the dynamics of the individual threads on AC... but we couldn't possibly ask for better, nicer, more understanding, decent human beings to correspond with and get advice from, gain insight from. I read your post the other day as a "vent"... in other words, something that we want to get off our chest, air out to the world, and we don't really seek response. I personally really enjoy the chance to be of support to others here, since I get so much from the use of this site, but also, when others are dealing with more serious issues, or things I have no experience with, then I tend to not comment because I just don't quite know what to say and a little bit I fear saying the wrong thing.
...ramble, ramble...
Hope everyone had a decent Wednesday? Sharyn, I hope today was better for you. I think validation is very important, and thats a good point... Joan, hope that achy head of yours heals up very soon. I got a touch of a sinus/ear infection this week and it reminded me of how Not Fun being "sick" is. I'm so glad it rarely happens to me anymore. (Juicing, people, juicing... lol... I don't get sick like I used to, its wonderful!) This old house I'm living in needs the HVAC ducts cleaned out so badly, and I'm in the process of getting that arranged. I have no history of sinus infections and I've had about 6 in past 12 months... ugh. Margeaux, hope hubby is continuing to heal up nicely. Hope all is well with you.
That's it for me today, no new drama, same old drama, lol! Hugs to all.
Alison~Yes, thank you, today was better. I have licked my wounds and moved on by learning some new lessons in life,LOL!!
I went to the community to see how mom was doing today. Talked with the head nurse. He says that he believes mom is having an allergic reaction to something. Idk if I told you that a couple weeks ago mom's tongue was bright red as well as her lips. i asked them if she was having an allergic reaction to something. They are going to monitor what she eats and other things like bath soap, laundry soap,etc. Both times, this has happened in the evenings. The nurse said that the rash was on her face as well. Last night I did not see a rash but I am not a nurse or dr. I will be keeping a close watch on things. They have the benedryl on hand now but I want to know what could be causing the reaction. We took a walk with the dog, talked about moving her furniture home...same old thing but pleasant.
so - Need to vent a bit. Since I have acknowledged my mothers NPD and started walking out and not visiting as much and ending phone calls - my mother has been raging in the Assist living. This is the email I just got: " I know you know that Linda always complained of the food and we are trying our best to really make her happy. But yesterday after she had her dinner she walked back to the dining room and telling everyone how bad the food was and then she threw the plate on the table and pull the table cloth on the floor with some residents still in the dining room. Jolene heard it and went there and told her nicely not to do it but she keeps on talking some upsetting words.
This morning Alma mentioned to me that Linda told her what happened yesterday that there are 2 ladies yelled at her and she said that she is about to call the Ombudsman. I just want to let you know that it is not true, no one yelled at Linda. And Alma told me that she called me nuts because she said I tell everything to you, which is fine with me. I know it's hard to handle Linda but sometimes some residents already complained about her because she is too loud in the dining room." Thoughts? Suggestions? Martinis?
I am guessing that it is because I have not been there in a month - and have not played the game so to say...I do have to say though - when I spoke to her a few days ago when another incident happened she sounded pretty clear and with it - she just wants out of that place - and doesn't seem to care now where she goes. My fear of course is I do move her - and then after a month - she hates that place. Not really in the position to play revolving assist living homes. I have been saying that they don't have private baths, or there is a waiting list etc. Doesn't seem to be helping..
Thanks for being there everyone - (((HUGS))) to all.
Karen
On the flip side, Mom is extremely manipulative and the things she has done to pit the three of us against one another... it is that old negative attention is better than no attention... that is Mom. Once the decision was made for mom to go to assisted living, my sister thought it was a green light to come and clean her out. I had to physically stop her by telling her Mom is only moving she is not DEAD! THEN... she did get the silver and after I raised a ruckus with my mother because I have a letter from Mom stating she is to get nothing, then told her she could have the silver... because she did not want to be the bad guy; she then told me well I want you to call her and tell her to bring it back. OOOHHHHH NO! that is your job mom... you are NOT going to make ME the heavy on this. She didn't and won't either.
Setting boundaries has been tough. When mom was really sick and we thought we were going to lose her, I spent a lot of time with her at the nursing home. BUT... she has done a 180 and is doing really well. I have backed off, it hit her hard but I can't clean my home to move back in, clean out her home to sell it, take care of her finances and health care, and issues that have arisen @ the nursing home... if I am there every day. She cried, and I felt bad, but she got used to it and has become a social butterfly. So happy she has changed her attitude. It has taken some of the pressure off. I have gotten some of my life back and I am even planning a vacation... can't wait!
It is nice to hear that you mom got used to it - I thought things were better - but the last 3 weeks have been horrible - as I have backed off. Setting boundaries is not for the faint of heart! Sounds like you can use - and deserve a great vacation! My recommendation on that - Kauai!
I must tell you, that the manner in which you wrote your post, at least for me didn't invite a response. You made some statements, followed by several wouldn't questions. I think many of us need some clarification about your family.
I was confused, and wondering....well is she talking about someone who has just been told the parents died as in a current fact, or as in to someone w/ALZ, or Dementia, where one has to remind the person.
The clearer we are as readers, maybe you'll get some ideas from people.
Many times I don't post to some people because I just don't have anything pertinent to offer. Other times....as in the last month for me, I was having lots of stress of my own, so had to do lots of re-reads.
The meaning of the "clique," is defined as a small exclusive groups of friends or associates. I have to say, that I think the people you mentioned in the clique,
many who have been posting over a year already have become friends.
We've had many people visit this thread. Some don't stay long, others do.
Some come back and forth, so I wouldn't call it small. But definitely, I would not say that it is exclusive. We always welcome everybody and share stories, and valuable information. So even if you feel stressed, or grumpy......hopefully you won't be a drive by poster either, and you can benefit.
Much Love & Light! Margeaux
Gladimhere~I have been thinking about your situation and this is what I have done. My mom would ask about her brothers...I would tell her they have all passed away. She would be shocked...she didn't get upset or cry but was shocked. I finally stopped telling her and would just say they are doing fine. She accepted that and hasn't ask anymore about them.
power of1~I can relate to a parent siding everyone against one another...that was my mother during our entire childhood. Mostly it was directed toward our father because mom was very jealous of any of us having a relationship with him...sad huh!! Poor dad...he was no saint by any means but he did not deserve that treatment either. However, we my 2 siblings who live close all recognize mom as the manipulating person she has always been so we are all now on the same page. Doesn't always turn out that way with a dysfunctional family. Mom has Alzheimer's and is in memory care now. My brother is not too involved with her partly because of his health issues and meds he is taking that lower his immune system so dr's advised him to avoid places where people gather together in public with children or the elderly. My sister is primary on mom's DPOA and I am secondary but we work together. I live locally near mom so I take care of all the medical and her supplies. Sis handles all the finances and supplies plus she will fill in for me if I can't get her in to a non emergency dr. appt. I also run back and forth between my house and mom's (we haven't sold it yet) to water the gardens, put out the yard waste for pick up (we have a yard service that mows her lawn weekly). We both also work. I understand your situation where you can't keep up with your home, visiting mom daily and all the other duties. I find I struggle keeping up at home, trying to finish painting projects and redos in our home with my hubby. I hope you keep posting here and welcome!!
Wow! That must have been a nasty fall you took.
My neighbor had a fall last Jan., and at first...by the bump on her head I thought, she probably had a concussion. She adamantly insisted that, "no." Although,
I know some of this insistence comes from the fact that she drinks too much.
A few weeks later, when I was assisting her w/her venous leg procedure, she mentioned now they'd told her she had a concussion. Just as I suspected.
Just days after the fall, I ran into her as she was off to her doctor's to have it checked in town, as she took the fall out of town. I saw her leaving, and asked her if she was o.k., to drive, because she looked very spacey, and quite unsteady in her gait. But again, she stubbornly insisted, "I'm o.k," and dashed off to her appointment.
Well, I know that you do self care, and will take it easy.
I'm happy for your that your grandson's birthday went well, and they weren't noisy.
How is your mom doing, as I understand she went to the hospital again.
I too Emjo, can't wait at times for my husband to leave. This is really when I know he is meeting people. He is very pokey about getting ready, meanwhile I'm just waiting for him to go out the door and I can have some down time away from him for myself. Right now in particular...we have both had cabin fever after that procedure, which was exactly 2 wks. ago. This man, honestly thought he was just going to get up and start doing and running around. We went beyond the catheter stage of last week, and this week was all about keeping him on a high fiber diet. He felt somewhat irregular, and I did have to remind him that he had to rest, but also get up and take at least some small walks. He does walk w/in the apartment, but I was encouraging him to take a short walk down the street.
This definitely helps when one is irregular, something that he doesn't like to actively do. So tomorrow we are going to a memorial tribute for the friend he lost at the end of June. The organization is doing the tribute for that. I feel he is o.k.,
to go to this, as it is in the afternoon. But, then he received an email from some friend who is a singer. She's doing a show at a night club tonight. He already mentioned it to me on Tues., saying he would like to go. Truth be told, I don't think we should go to this. It's not exactly close to home, Friday night.....then we've the memorial the next day. But this is one of the issues I have with my husband. We'll see, and really I don't have the wherewithall right now to get worked up, and stress the point to him about not going. I reached my physical and emotional limit days ago. So I'm just not going there.
I hope you get better from your head.
I'll keep you in my thoughts, Emjo.
Much Love & Light! Margeaux
I chuckle at my last post myself, and it was very much a vent, but feedback is important too. The situation is mom forgets her parents died 12 and 50 years ago as well as a sister that died 60 years ago. Counselor sib thinks that antidepressants will "fix" that issue. Just absurd!!
So, my apologies if any of you were insulted by my last post, but at least I have a place to vent with many people that are in the same situation.
Thank you all!
People who drink, do have attitude and after they're trying to dry out......their mood is not good, at all. Anyway, I just wanted to mention some of this, because I know some of my friends here have issues w/alcoholics.
I really had to put a boundary here with her too, because, sometimes I feel as if she's trying to prove something to me.
Margeaux
O.K., dock in later.....have to tend to my birds, and I hope I can reconfigure,
gosh, darn!
Margeaux
On the conversation about husbands at home - God love them - but mine just retired last year - and I work from home....I pine for just an hour a day alone =).
Joan - please take care of yourself - you did take a really bad fall! The allergy to the meds really don't help. Lots and lots of water!
Thanks all - Happy Friday!
Karen
It is hard to have those anniversaries come up, especially about a father.
Mine has been gone now going on 12 yrs., and every March 3'd, I go through this.
He must have been a wonderful guy.
So your son got married? Congratulations! Well this is good news, because I remember you posted something about your mom having I think it was a very indifferent attitude about it. Yes, it's less work. It's great to hear that you really love your new DIL.
Much Love & Light! Margeaux
We feel my mother is "fighting" the effects of the Excelon (it's only been a week) because she does not like the way it makes her feel. Almost like a baby fighting sleep. But we do see a difference in her combativeness. It's better or doesn't last as long if she takes the Excelon. The problem is....getting her to take the pill. She would rip off the patch in a heart beat :-(
We feel my mother is "fighting" the effects of the Excelon (it's only been a week) because she does not like the way it makes her feel. Almost like a baby fighting sleep. But we do see a difference in her combativeness. It's better or doesn't last as long if she takes the Excelon. The problem is....getting her to take the pill. She would rip off the patch in a heart beat :-(
I am glad to hear your mother is responding to the Exelon pills. I am very happy with the Namenda because it seems to have stabilized the progression for the time being. My mom would take off the patch too!!
Karen, sounds like your mom wants out and is trying to find ways to get kicked out. Or finding ways to get you to visit her? It’s definitely an attention-getting behavior. Well, just continue as you are doing. Congrats on being a mother-in-law! And it sure helps when you love the bride! =)
Powerof1, you are sooo fortunate that your mom’s attitude changed about NH. Yeah, go for that vacation and enjoy yourself.
Gladimhere- you are not the only one that I have read on this site who have a sibling in the counseling profession. I remembered last year, the very first time I read a poster who couldn’t believe her sibling is a counselor and did not help at all with the caregiving. Did not offer any help –physically or financially. It just bogs the mind, doesn’t it?
Hi Margeaux, I hope the stresses have toned down a bit now?
Sharynmarie, I enjoyed your story of your mom being a determined escape artist! And that she’s actually up there dancing a storm. She’s definitely beginning to enjoy her stay but still trying to make her great escape.
I want to wish you a Happy Birthday.
May your year be wonderful, and bestow many blessings!
Yummy....prawns, herbs and roasted vegetables.
I hope you had a great one with Gary.
Much Love & Light! Margeaux
I'm glad that you took a look at EFT. It is a good technique, works for me.
My sister, as a child was always more the rebel than I ever was during that time.
Add to this, that our mother conquered and divided the siblings, and even my dad participated in this. Both my parents played favorites. Even though, my mom and my sister had lots of tension between them, ....she was acknowledged for many things such as intelligence and beauty way more than I was.
On top of all of that, my sister is an extremely jealous person, by nature and also her birth sign....guess which one she is?
My sister even as a kid had this way of domineering a variety of situations.
She's a year younger than me, and I started to behave in certain ways, that were not assertive, when I really should have been. Why? I wanted to be liked.
Yes, the people pleaser syndrome. I know that when we don't get validated, and especially when we are children, as in my own case, I was in charge of the three other siblings for two working parents. So I get it that if a child doesn't get what they should be getting from a parent, we start to try to compensate in other ways, by seeking some approval, acceptance from others, be that a sibling, or another family member. My sister has always been critical, and judgmental too, so many things I was always about, or doing always came under some weird scrutiny of my sister's. But when I became a teen, that changed dramatically. I finally grew out of and tired of seeking approval by someone who after some analysis....I thought, My sister can have a really cruel side to herself. By then....I'd heard from enough friends too who invariably would complain to me about some unkindness, my sister had committed. Later, as we became adults,
I by now really changed my whole attitude about my manipulative sister, and we really went our separate ways, so to say. I just could not relate to her at all.
Part of that was the realization, that although some of us would like to see the good in our brothers, sisters or even friends......there really has to be something tangible coming from their end too, in order for this to happen.
If all your brother does is berate you, he is the one with the problem......and there's really no fixing that. They have to be the ones to change some of this, then maybe they'd deserve to be admired..
If I may ask, does he criticize you for the way you are caregiving for your father?
Take care,
Much Love & Light! Margeaux
Her Neurologist mentioned Namenda once. What are the side effects? I'm giving her Aricept while waiting for Neurologist to call. I have no idea as to what to do. She is also on an anti depressant Lexapro.
Any feedback on Namenda would be greatly appreciated.
Thanks for your feed back. She wouldn't take it but sporadically for a week, so I don't know if it was working or not. I called her Dr's and told them she threw out the pills. I asked her primary care doctor to approve a home nurse to come in and draw blood because she typically get's her blood work once a month with her monthly visit to her doctor. I always ask for a UTI test because that's how all of this started when she was hospitalized last year.
So far each month she has not had a UTI but she has not had a blood test in 2 months. So....I'm not sure if the Exelon was too much or just had horrible effects on her or if it's something else. But getting her to go into the Doctor is so HARD! So I have alerted all of her doctors but she needs to get lab work to rule out something like a UTI.