The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

SharynMarie & Bookluvr,
She is fine when my brother is here....but when I'm alone with her here...she becomes combative. We historically have never had a positive relationship. But it's not fair for my brother to be here all the time, he has his own place. He doesn't realize that him being her makes her calm. I have been away for 30 plus years. My brother has lived in the same city with her. So there is that factor. And, whenever she talks to her sister long distance that just causes more combative behavior because her sister has Dementia too but tells my mother that she can drive and do whatever she wants. So I have resorted to turning the ringer off of the phone in her bedroom and turning off the answering machine just to avoid the drama of her sister stirring the pot.
My brother is in denial and doesn't understand why she blows up when he goes and is fine when he's here. Clearly I'm a trigger for her combative behavior although I pay all the bills, do all the shopping, make sure all of her meds are refilled and picked up, put them in the pill box, clean, do laundry cook, etc.
My brother will take her out for rides when she feels up to it.
I basically have not relationship with her and keep to myself. Just one conversation with me could cause her to snap so I don't want to take that chance. I have to take care of myself .
I'm at the point where if she takes her other meds she takes them, if she doesn't she doesn't. There is only so much I can do. I have put Aricept in with her morning meds until I hear from her Drs. hopefully they will contact me Monday. This all happened Friday evening.
I will ask about the Namenda but she is so sensitive to drugs she notices any change that makes her feel different. So if the neurologist, I don't know how we are going to introduce her to it. If it's a different color she will notice it and take all the pills except that one esp if it makes her "feel different"

Has anyone stopped Namenda? My mom's doc mentioned taking her off of it because she has been on it probably six years. He doesn't think that it is doing anything for her any longer. But, I have heard some frightening stories about rapid decline when it is stopped but also stories of not much change. At this point I would be afraid to take her off because of the rapid decline possibility. She tried Exelon patch and it caused her to hallucinate and have terrifying dreams.

gladimhere~I have read the same thing about stopping Namenda with some patients. Is your mom's dr. a PCP or a geriatric or neurologist? In my own experiences, I have found that there is a lot of propaganda about certain drugs and CERTAINLY, everyone can react differently. There definitely are people who are more prone to problems because of allergies to ingredients that are commonly used in medications. In my mother case, she only started to have issues with prescription medications when it became law to include a list of side effects in the paperwork. This does not mean I ignore her concerns about a drug she is taking. I research it and I talk with her dr. because there is the off chance she is having a side effect. From what I understand about Namenda is that it will slow progression but not stop it. If your mother's prescribing dr. is a neurologist, I would talk more with him/her to determine the outcome. A general PCP is not a specialist and in many cases, they lack the experience...not the knowledge...just the experience which speaks volumes in these issues. I hope that helps you!!Hugs my friend!!

New2~I am going to by your name on here...New2dementia!! Many patients with dementia do what is called show timing...meaning they put on a show for dr. appts. and other family members who do not see them often so they can pull off presenting themselves as normal. It works for short periods of a time...then the reality comes back because they can not maintain it for more than a couple days. There is also the fact that you are moms primary caregiver...living with her 24/7 so she is most comfortable in expressing her real self with you. The primary caregiver who lives with a parent whether dementia is involved or not, takes out their frustration on that person. While it is nott right or fair...it is what happens...this is where setting boundaries even with a parent with dementia is so important. What i did with my mom...being the primary caregiver but not living with her was...I changed my thinking toward her. Because my mother has a personality disorder which makes her narcissistic...as the Alz progressed, I started treating everything with my mother as though it was Alz related. It made it so much easier for me to relate to her. One the day that worked I always went over between 4-5 pm to give her medication, on the days I was off, I went over around 10am, took her out shopping got all errands done, then went back between 4-5pm to give meds. I know that living with someone is very different, but you can leave the room when your mom becomes combative... if she can be left alone for short periods of a time, leave and go for a 30 minute drive or walk. If your mother is more advanced, can't be left alone...call the Area Agency on Aging to find out what programs they offer that your mother may qualify for. Then set up some respite time for yourself because you are going to have to think of yourself as an only child since your brother is not on board with what is going on. Besides respite time for you, they can help with home health care and your mother may be cooperative with people outside family like mother is. If your father was a veteran, your mother will probably benefit from help through the VA system. Keep posting and let us know how we can help...Big hugs to you!!!

I think it is great all of you caregivers are so supportive of each other and pass on what works for you-I found detaching from the husband for even a short time helped-I just ignored his outbursts at time and told him I did not hear him. It is amazing how friends can ignor what they see-we become invisible-everyone always said how good he looked not giving me credit for the hours it took me to have him looking good while I looked like something the cat dragged into the house-here on AC others get it-if I had to do it over again I would not be so vain and try to do it all myself.

Margeaux, my brother doesn't criticize my caregiving so much... I think he is just grateful, at the end of the day, that someone is looking after our dad and it doesn't have to be him.

He instead criticizes everything else about me and seems to view me in this extremely negative light, that really and truly is so uncalled for given my history... Example: for the past 15 years that I've lived out of the area, I never missed a single holiday season in Indianapolis, where my brother and other family live, and I always brought presents for his children, and for him and his wife, I've participated and helped out with the variety of holidays they host at their house... I've been a good sister to him, I really have. He typically greets me when I arrive "home for the holidays" with a sneer, a derogatory joke, or just ignores me... literally. I've always thought that behavior of his was just so hurtful, and I've never understood WHY he treats me like that? I mean, I can literally walk into his house with my suitcase, give lots of hugs and kisses to his children and wife, and he will sit in the living room and not even acknowledge my presence. I've told him that I feel hurt by his behavior, and he tells me I'm too sensitive and accuses me of making it "all about me". (This is his FAVORITE thing to tell me, btw, that I think everything is all about me. I hear it from him on a regular basis.) He has been a bully, a brute, a controller... it seemed that once a year or so for the past 20 years, we would have a physical confrontation. And that is a leftover dysfunctional behavior on his part from our childhood, where he did "beat me up" pretty frequently. We kids raised ourselves, pretty much. We had a completely absentee father and a single mother who worked a lot, and even when home she spent her time with her life's distractions of compulsive shopping/hoarding, and church activities to the nth. So we kids grew up, really, without parenting at all. And so older bro's brutality and cruelty to me, which in a "normal home" would have been stopped by a parent, just went on into, literally, adulthood, and continues, at times, to this very day.

And he was very cruel, physically and mentally, all throughout childhood and high school. I really believed, based on what he told me about myself, that I was pretty worthless... that no man (boy) would or could ever really like me or love me, I was unattractive, I was too skinny, I was a geek, etc. He was extremely manipulative and extremely selfish. He has also been very arrogant his entire life. He seems to truly believe he is an exceptionally gifted, intelligent, and talented man, naturally better somehow than other people. His wife, who was his childhood sweetheart, seems (to me) to be almost unnaturally supportive and tolerant of him, and while I'm happy that they have a good marriage, to me it makes so much sense why he picked her for a wife... she's one of the few women in the world that I can see putting up with all of his arrogance and allowing him to just "rule" over her in every way.

The day of my GMs wake was the last physical fight my brother started with me. He was completely out of line, he thought I did or said something that didn't happen, and so he called me into a side bedroom away from others, shut the door behind him, and proceeded to get "in my face" and hiss at me how he was going to "show me how evil he could be." I was completely blindsided by his sudden temper, as I always am... he seems to just flash this violence towards me out of nowhere... and he barricaded me in the bedroom while I cried and yelled at him to let me leave. I tried to push him out of the way of the door but he wouldn't let me out, standing over me, trying to intimidate me with his much bigger size, and kept telling me what a piece of sh*t I was, and all this other just mean and derogatory stuff. And he has a REGULAR pattern of doing this kind of thing with me, even now, as I am 38 and he is now 40. It seems he has mellowed some as he has grown as a father to his four children, but my brother still views me - for reasons truly unknown to me - as his "competition" which must be crushed at times...

At least this is my take on it.

I choose to apologize to my brother even if I've done nothing wrong, if apologizing will avoid an argument. I try to act "submissive" and "subservient" around him... this seems to be what he seeks from me. And the detachment is helping a lot because now, I don't even seem to get all the whirling, confusing emotions that have surrounded my relationship with him all my life... now, I feel a bit more like I can just choose to see him as the idiot he is (lol), and just let him be. He still tries to pick fights but I've learned to simply NOT GO THERE with him.

Thanks, Margeaux, for asking me about my bro and giving me a chance to put some of this stuff into words. I find, for me, its really helpful to write down the concise ideas about how I feel, and how I view family relationships. Otherwise, it just seems like a big icky muddle in my mind.

(((hugs))) to all, hope everyone is having a lovely Sunday!

just lost a post - will try again later - wanted to say you are doing a good thing Alison re your bro. Well done!
wanted to address others and I will after I have had a nap

All I want to do this weekend is sleep and eat chocolate! I think I am recovering from something more than the head bang. My sinuses have been quite sore but getting better. Sleep is a good thing. We are on severe thunderstorm watch, and the weather is cool and muggy - good for napping.

More later

Alison,

What on earth!!!!! This admitted behavior by you about your brother, should in no way, shape or form be tolerated. You can read and listen to all the advice you want about setting boundaries. But if you don't put things in order in your own way of thinking, then it's only theories.

I had someone in my life until just a few years ago, who behaved like this, which was mom's narcissistic sister. She bullied my sister and me very much because we are the women in the family. My two brothers, not so much.

Although, she didn't quite agress upon us as much as you've indicated your brother has, still she managed to do it one tooooo many times, IMO. Here too,
because mother had this sick co-dependent relationship w/her, our aunt was allowed full reign.

About 12 yrs. ago when my dad was in the peak of his cancer, I was living at my parents. So was she, because truth be told.....they always somehow allowed her to cross boundaries and live there at the family home, for a variety of reasons.
One day on my way to work about 8:00 a.m., I got to the bottom of the stairs.
She literally threw a pair of shoes, one hitting my head as I was on my way out the door. Shortly after this, she unfortunately enticed me into a physical encounter with her. Mind you, she was an elder of about 81 yrs., of age. Do you think that either of my parents put a stop to it? As demonstrated by comments to me made by both dad and mom,, it was abundantly obvious they'd taken her side. I hate to have to put it this way, but I think my two parents were two weenies, when it came to how they viewed her, they let her get away with murder. The final blow for me came out of this fight.....which basically I was fending her off, because she made the first move on me. Later, mom asked me,
why I would do something like this, also, that her sister was planning to report me. Well, this is ALL, I had to hear, wasn't like the physical fight was bad enough. This has a lot to do with, why later after dad passed, I was very up front w/mother telling her, I could no longer live in that household, given her sister was there. I was done! I'm sure part of the reason, that I'm not the main caregiver, now for mother. You see, we inherited the care of that battle ax, (our aunt) because she had no children.

Really, the only way to put a boundary between you and this kind of abuse, is to stop physically going there, as in visiting. Sometimes, unfortunately we really have to take these kinds of steps. Don't forget.....you place yourself in danger, if he's barricading and making these kinds of threats towards you.

Be strong, be careful,
Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Margeaux-
Shoes down the stairs brings back memories. I was 13 or 14 and at the dinner table my mom got into a heated discussion about school integration. I was dismissed from the dinner table and went to go downstairs to my room. I was followed by a phone book that also hit me in the head. My mom never could tolerate disagreements of any sort. And being the oldest, I broke her in for the other two self-centered, narcissistic sisters.

I found this article on Dementia Dynamics, I hope it is helpful for those of you dealing with a violent loved one with Dementia.

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When Nothing Stops the Violence
February 3, 2011

My father-in-law was an upstanding citizen in his small town — chairman of the Administrative Board at the Methodist church, city councilman, Scout troop leader, etc. He led the kind of life we would all hope any son of ours would lead. He was a wonderful husband, great dad and a loving grandfather. He NEVER abused anyone — wife, child, employee, ANYONE. That is, until he got Alzheimer’s disease.

I have touched on the subject of violence before, but it bears revisiting. My father-in-law had an interesting variation of the Alzheimer’s disease theme, which closely resembled “fronto-temporal dementia.” This form of dementia causes incredible behavioral problems in the patient, because the frontal lobe of the brain (located behind the forehead) is the center of judgment and self-control, among other things. It also seems to progress more rapidly than regular Alzheimer’s, so behavioral problems often arise very rapidly.

With clarity of hindsight, we can see subtle personality changes and uncharacteristic behavior before his diagnosis. The main occurrence that comes to mind was when he grew very angry with the church trustees when they ordered a diseased tree in the church yard to be cut down. He visited the trustees in their homes one Sunday afternoon and told them very emphatically what he thought about their tree-cutting — completely uncharacteristic behavior for my father-in-law.

As his disease progressed, this gentle man grew physically violent, pushing down my mother-in-law on his way to the bathroom. He was very strong and physically, very healthy. As he lost his language function (another characteristic of when the frontal lobe of the brain is affected), he could only say a few phrases over and over. He loved to remind us, “I can put 200 pounds over my head!” And he really could. When that strength turned against a loved one or a caregiver, injury sometimes resulted.

I addressed how to deal with physically violent dementia patients in an earlier blog, so I will attempt not to be repetitive. Suffice it to say that sometimes he was impossible to deal with. Whatever the cause, he had agitation, obsessive / compulsive tendencies, and anger management issues. Yes, most of the time, if you approached him correctly, he would not become violent. However, he had multiple caregivers in the 7 facilities he went through in 2 years. There is no way perfect behavior on their part and his could be assured.

First of all, doctors tried medications. The difficulty is that all medications, no matter how seemingly benign, have side effects. The choice before the physicians and family is, are the benefits worth the side effects? The answer is, sometime yes and sometimes no. In cases my father-in-law’s case, I can tell you that medications were essential to controlling his behavior, even with their myriad negative side effects.

As the disease progressed, he was increasingly difficult to deal with, even with multiple medications. Unlike many patients, his physical condition did not deteriorate like his mental condition. The crisis came in the spring of 2006, when he was sending nursing home workers to the emergency room with regularity and we lived in real fear that he would seriously harm or kill someone.

At that point, we knew he required more serious psychiatric care than he could get in any outpatient setting. He needed to be admitted to the geriatric dementia psychiatry facility in the state mental hospital, but the only way this could happen was to have him committed through the probate court system.

Every state is different, but in Alabama, the probate judge appoints an attorney to represent the patient and the family hires its own attorney. Two healthcare professionals (doctors and / or nurse practitioners) are required to testify to the patient’s condition. A family member also testifies. Prior to the hearing, the attorney for the patient investigates the situation and then, makes her recommendations under oath to the court at the hearing. In our case, my father-in-law, who would have been unable to answer questions for himself, was not required to be present. After the hearing my father-in-law was transferred to the Mary Stark Harper Center at Bryce Hospital. This place was an incredible blessing to my father-in-law and our family. At this in-patient facility, he was placed on a cocktail of medications which calmed his violent tendencies and for the 16 remaining months of his life, he was peaceful.

One of the hardest things my husband has ever done was to testify that his father was a danger to himself and others. However, he knew if his father had 5 minutes of sanity, he would choose to be committed a million times rather than harm anyone once. If you are in this situation, you can console yourself with that

Alison-
I, have sisters that are not physically abusive, but emotionally. This past Thanksgiving all were invited here, one sister and her family came, the other declined which I was happy about. The sister that came had already started this battle that continues to this day about who is to care for my mom. She wrote a 5-page letter two weeks before Thanksgiving, sent to my mom's CPA, and I suspect two attorneys that have worked with my mom, and who know who else packed with absolute lies about how I had spent mom's money, of course all of which can be documented and disclosing things I had told her about my life that were in confidence, and some things were 35 years ago. Would I have ever thought she would try to use these against me and enhance her story by false accusations? NEVER IN A MILLION YEARS!

Christmas came and I was relieved that I did not receive an invitation to their homes. I was not going to enter someone else's territory with everything that was going on. It meant I spent Christmas alone, but I would rather be alone than spend time with two faced, narcissistic, lying siblings.

And the holidays are upon us when we all start making plans. I plan to spend Christmas alone again, and may have an open house type thing for Thanksgiving, not a big sit down dinner. You do not need to subject yourself to holidays with your brother.

Allison I agree with the other poster-do not go near your brother this holiday season-his anger is too dangerous for you to be near him -do not go to visit-you can email him and make up an excuse or just stay away-it is for your own safety-you do not deserve to be treated badly.

ABB, my oldest brother had this scheme to use our land (not yet subdivided) to build an apartment and rent it out. I was about age 23, the middle child. He was able to get all my 6 siblings to sign except me. He invited me to his home and took me to the bedroom. He closed the door and stood in front of it. He then proceeded to tear me apart verbally for 30 minutes non-stop. I don't remember most of what he said. But these words I do remember: "You are Nothing and you will always be Nothing." The whole time I just sat there and listened to him tear me apart. When he was done, I signed the paper and went back home. I went to my bedroom and cried my heart out. He was my most favorite brother and I had looked up to him all my life. That day, he broke my heart and he no longer meant anything to me...other than fear of him. He may have broken me but I was still determined to stop this. The next day, I called the bank and spoke to the agent dealing with brother. I told her that I didn't want to sign it but that my brother forced me to sign it. And you could hear in my voice how I was trying not to cry. It never went thru - he was denied. Your story of your brother brought up this memory.

good for you book-you did the right thing and I hope you are never alone with him ever again.

No, I didn't learn my lesson. I gave my old car to father and as usual, bro started using it for himself. Then one day, he asked me if I wanted to go for a stroll. I said okay. We hopped into my new car and drove to the car shop. He invited me to go with him inside. I go in. He goes to the cashier, and the guy tells him how much it costs. Bro steps back and I'm left standing there. Since the car was still under my name legally, I paid for it. Now, this is a bro who makes over $17/hour and I'm still making minimum wage- $6.50/hour. I was soooo pissed off.

The next workday, I went down to DMV and signed over my car legally to my father. Learned how important it is to sign over the car so that I will no longer be legally responsible for it and the one driving it. So, when my 2nd car became age 12, I was spending more money on repairs than I would of a new car's monthly payments. Bro Assumed that I was going to give him this car. Nope. I gave it to sis, legally signed it over to her (yep, learned my lesson well).

Austin, I have learned since then that when bro is nice to me - to watch out. He's after something. When father dies, he is the executor.

I'm tired of spending my holidays doing what others want!

Oldcodger,

I just read your post, and I want to congratulate you!
Yes, many times to the detriment of many caregivers health....and all too often, ridden with guilt to do anything on their own behalf. This kind of a scenario really gets to me also, when one hears that an in-law as yourself is caring for other's mom, meanwhile they have other children who do nothing.

You have done an amazing thing for yourself, and great that your husband is on your side. It takes a lot of courage, and sticking to one's guns to accomplish this.
Hopefully a post such as yours will encourage some others here, to do the same.

Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Hi guys hope you are all well have just had a bit of respite but feeling like this family is more and more dysfunctional everytime family visits!

My sister spent very little time here with mum and was her usual out having fun with mates and not really grasping the serious of mams behaviour? ALSO she tried to get my mum to sell her the house as prices are cheaper now was shaking with rage but said nothing. turns out she was turned down by the bank? Can you believe it im here worrying about mums welfare and shes getting mum when shes vunerable tyring to make a cheap sale of mums house which is her only asset to be used for her care? My bro was furious and is finally seeing what she is like. Maybe shes just in total denial of mums health or shes one devious COW?
anyway shes gone back now and talking about xmas visit?? never mentioned mums situation and what we are going to do about her?
Then my aunt arrived my mums sis and everytime I mentioned mums behaviour all I got was "oh I hope I dont get anything like that" so neeless to say ive had a very draining time off.
Also my friends dog died and I was distraught and now my other best friends mother may die after a bypass that caused complications.

Tomorrow is my mums brain scan results and im very nervous I hope they can tell if shes showing dementia or something so this family can wake up to the seriousness of this illness.

Im numb after these visits and feel happy to be just me and mum again as my family stress me more and more I just dont have it in me to be so selfish but am learning fast!
Sorry to be so depressing but have to let it out!
Emjo happy birthday belated hope you had a ball! im probably a bit down myself as my 48th is soon and I keep asking myself what am I doing with my life and where am I going? Will I be here next year doing same please god NO! But that is up to me I guess! I want my mum to move with me OR she needs a home my family just refuse to discuss this and its draining me. I think I will have to do this alone and get POA and plan my mums care myself then watch them jump?

Allison - I have been reading "Disarming the Narcissistic" and I really think it could help you. I have been reading it for dealing with my mother and it is very helpful! I too have a brother, younger, that I have a horrible relationship, partly because of my mother putting us against each other, but I believe mostly due to my father giving me more attention and quality attention while growing up. We had fought bitterly - he had even tried to "tame" a babysitter and me when he was about 7 with a belt and chair! Needless to say she never babysat again! Came after me with a knife when I was in high school - he was about 12 because I took the end of the salami. Thank goodness my boyfriend was there! My parents did nothing...actually I think my mother asked what I did to antagonis him....really? The last time he was in my home was a Christmas Eve that my mother had invited him, I had not. He and his wife did not bring anything - and after dinner while we were visiting in the living room he did nothing but bring up stories about me that were less than flattering. My mother thought it was hilarious - and I was too sensitive. My boys and husband were livid! He is no longer welcome in my home and I was clear with my mother on that. She and my dad would come visit (we are 3 hours away) and she would complain that she had to meet my brother in a parking lot to exchange gifts. Ummm- he could have invited you to his house....that wasn't even considered. It was me not being a good sister or host. Too bad! At least I had set my boundaries with him - and now learning to do them with my mother.
Hang in there and get that book - these people on this site are a wealth of information and non judgemental support!

Cheers!

Karen

The holidays aren't all there cranked up to be!

Margeaux

Bookluvr,

Yes, some of the stress has passed, thank you.

How are things these days going with your dad?
I hope you are well.

Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Can you guys tell that I'm not a big fan of the holidays? HAAH!

Margeaux

Boy, what a bunch of memories this topic of mean siblings has brought up for me. My older bro has just been a force of destruction and sadness in my life, all my life. Sad1, Karen, you mentioned how your bro engaged in some less-than-flattering storytelling one year... my bro has done, and does, the same sort of thing. I have often thought to myself that I hope one day to be married, and to a protective sort of husband, just so that I don't have to feel so vulnerable to attack by older bro.

You guys brought up some valid points that my spending holidays under his roof isn't the wisest, or safest, thing. I've known this for years. When I had more financial means, I used to stay in a hotel. And now, well, I just love spending time with his four sweet children so much... and now my bro and I don't even really interact all that much when I am there. I spend my time with the children and I say very little to him. It seems to work.

When I first started participating in this thread, I was more concerned about my mother's crazy behaviors, and I've said, and still believe (correctly or not) that my mother is not a real narcissist. She certainly has some traits of that and other PDs... but my older bro does have the arrogance and superiority complex - the "my way or the highway" - that seems to be in line with the NPD. Thanks, Karen, for the suggested reading, I'll take a look.

That's the good news, the "bright side," if you will... there does seem to be good info out there for us with regard to dealing with these destructive Family. I think its fair to say I've been wanting bro's approval for far too long and allowing him to make me feel very much "less than," based on nothing...

Book, I really relate to what you described about your brother. And crying your eyes out. My bro has just broken my heart so many times. And its time I learned that he will ALWAYS do it again, its just a matter of time... I keep wanting to just chalk up his behavior to us not having parenting, and now he's "growing out" of his controlling ways... maybe he is, maybe he isn't... I need to protect myself better, I think.

Love you guys, g'night!

Hi All!!

I am been rather engrossed with following the Rim Fire here in Cali because it is all around the areas of the Sierra's I am familiar with.

I can relate to what Alison and Book said about their brothers but in my case it was my parents that said those things to me. Sis and I shared a room growing up and we fought horribly our whole childhood. She told me once she feels horrible for some of the things she did to me but I don't remember the incidents she talked about. One incident was that I did something or accomplished something in school and my parents were praising me for it, she had brought home a report card with straight A's and my parents did not acknowledge her. She said she woke up in the middle of the night, walked over to my bed and slugged me on my back. I woke up screaming, parents came running in our room...no one knew what happened. I laughed when she told me this because I have no memory of it. I am not making light of your situations because I know siblings can and do cause a lot of damage in a dysfunctional family.

Setting boundaries is important and we can set boundaries without having to confront the person (in most cases they will deny their actions anyway), I know my mother has denied any wrong doing in our family, she blamed it all on my dad. When you think of the energy a person puts into the my way or the highway thinking, it must be very time and energy consuming to maintain. It's no wonder they are so angry with the world. Set those boundaries!!!

I lol'd at your post, sharyn, about when sis punched you while sleeping. I had this "fantasy" as a kid about handcuffing/tying older bro up while he slept, so I could then beat on him the way he continuously beat on me! I wanted to show him what it was like and get some revenge. Now, that memory makes me laugh. It IS too bad that I harbored such feelings towards my bro... and my mother used to hit me very violently, too, and I remember "fantasizing" about pushing her down the stairs or something else to inflict physical pain on her the way she did to me.

Its kind of hard to know whether to laugh or cry about such memories. I will tell you that as I'm sitting here now, I'm more inclined to just chuckle about all of it. Growing up in these families is just plain NUTS. ;D But I survived, and I can now make choices to keep the hurt as far away from me as I can... and learn to have tools at the ready when conflict situations may come up again. That's a very liberating and empowering feeling, I gotta tell ya. Believing that I can do things differently now, as an adult, to neutralize this toxicity is really a great thing, a great step for me.

I'm procrastinating on doing yard work today. Chicago is finally getting its "summer" heat wave - its 95 today. Hope all is well in everyone's little neck of the world. Happy Tuesday!

Good for you Alison!!! My second eldest brother used to tell me I was adopted, found in the garbage can or under a rock. I believed him for many years and would fantasize about my perfect parents that gave me up. When I got older, I told my sister about brother saying this to me and I laughed saying, "It all makes since now, I 'm not like the rest of you because I don't share your blood!" The parts that are too painful to want to revisit...it's ok not revisit, if you can look back like you have, saying I survived and I am going to get stronger...you are on the right path.

We make changes when we are ready to, no one can force us to make a change until then. That is what is so great about this site is because we are all on our own personal journey. We continue to love and support each other regardless of where we are at on our journey. We all have had different experiences which is why we can learn from EVERY single person who contributes to this site!!! Love and hugs to everyone, I know I have learned so much from each of YOU!!

I've not been on here long, but yeah, I do need to vent. I'm pretty sure someone out there will identify. I was taking care of my mother in law, and there have been a few bad patches where i tried to get the dysfunctionals together and make a plan for cleaning Mom's house. She freaked out that I was "talking about her behind her back" and "sticking my long nose in her business". she even called and left a very mean msg. for me. Well, of course I cried and wondered how anything and EVERYthing I've done could be construed as cruelty. I have spent so much time cleaning in the bathroom after her cuz she can't see the mess, and it gets AWFUL. Always felt it was worth it if it meant she got to stay in her own home. After this last go round I wanted to tell her how much sh** I've cleaned up in her house...i can't do it. Unfortunately her family has no problem telling me off. My own husband didn't believe how mean she could get until he heard her himself going off about me. Never has anyone stuck up for me and this almost ended the marriage. I will not go back. I could see doing all this and bearing it if it was my own mother, but this is ridiculous. At least i am finally taking care of myself and removing myself from this constant drama. I am still very resentful and hurt, but thank God I have a wonderful sister who calls me up with her friggin' affirmations every day! we've had a lot of laughs about the affirmations, but they do help if I can just remember them. I need to start over from here and get rid of the toxic relationships I seem to find myself in. Oh, one last dig she got in on me was that "it was her own fault by believing me when i said I would take care of something for her". I take care of my own house, i am disabled as well and have my own pets to take care of. I apologized for the times I forgot something and she looked at the ground. Sorry, but i don't remember everything I have to do for her and it's her fault she would never remind me. She just complains instead of asking me when i could get whatever was so important done. Just need to cry a little and decompress. Thanks for giving me an area I feel safe sharing in. I guess I won't be a caretaker anymore, but I can get over that. I try to pray for her and let God handle it all but I do take it back and worry over it like a dog over a bone. someday I may get this right!

peplplesr- you are so fortunate to have a sister that understands. It makes me wonder if tensions increase with her own children taking care of business. I would think that the dynamic would change drastically. But, this is not your problem. Let hubby deal with it. This is a wonderful place to vent, I do it often myself.

thank you gladimhere. I guess I'm pretty glad where I ended up myself! Take care and I hope the best for you!!

Alison - strange how I was able to disconnect from my brother so easily - but not my mother. I hope the book helps. I bought mine on Amazon and put it on my ipad - can take it with me anywhere!

Sharynmarie - where are you in California? I am up by Sacramento - the rim fire is awful! We have been getting smoke from it - and I have a cousin in Reno that said going outside is like going to a campfire - so bad...my thoughts and prayers are with those firefighters!

Going tomorrow to see my mother after a month - and after the realization that she has a NPD....she has called and left at least 5 messages - I have written her a letter stating that the place she is in is good - and she needs to rethink moving - and my son and his new wife visited her today - said she has lists for me - and has underlined a ton in the info I sent her. As my husband says - tomorrow it is time for me to take my medicine...wish me luck.

Thanks to all that are here - it is one of those things - glad you are here - but also sorry you need to be...have a good evening all!