The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Sad1~I am in manteca, about 55 miles south of Sacramento. I talked with a friend of mine who is a former fire fighter in Yosemite, he said it will be some time yet for them to get the fire under control because of the terrain. He said if the fire runs into the granite cliffs it will stall it or stop it which will help the fire fighters as most of the work right now is from the air.

I am not discounting the work of the fire fighters on the ground. They are doing a great job with fire breaks and protecting buildings and water resources for SF, and the surrounding towns like Groveland, Twain Harte and Pine Crest...the latter two are dealing with falling ash.

sharynmarie - it is so sad - Yosemite is one of our favorite places...and you are right - the terrain is really hard to maneuver over. I know - I have backpacked there...

Sad1~Me too.... backpacked the Tuolume Meadows and Ten Lakes Areas. Beautiful area. I don't think these areas will be affected by the fire. I have great hope it will be contained and out within the next 10 days.

Sad1daughter,

Oh, doesn't this tactic get old, and how elementary for a sibling to be bringing up past stories that at the bottom of telling these stories, we know they really are stirring up the pot, camoflauged w/humor. Or many times my sister had made comments such as oh....Margeaux has always been like this. These people talk as if time stood still and we haven't grown. Shallow stuff if you ask me!!

Good for you that you didn't allow your mom to oblige you to have this kind of disrespect in your home. I'm very happy also, that your husband and sons are in your camp. They sound like good men. This is a reflection of you, who obviously has the common sense, when enough is enough, no matter that these people are our relatives.

This is something I had to resort to w/mother's battle ax sister.
We put up for years of psychological abuse by this woman. Why? It was because neither of my parents ever really stood up to her, to put her in her place
When she caused that physical fight, which this was a one time event. She'd made threats in the past but never got physical. It only took this one time for me,
and that was it! Thanksgiving that year was in a week. When circumstances developed such that my parents again, were basically siding w/her.....I opted out of Thanksgiving that year. I remember my dad, who was very sick from cancer now, pleaded w/me to stay for TG, because the family was going to be there and all of that. I was so insensed even w/my parents for this attitude of again overlooking, or looking the other way, and not standing up for what is right. So, anyway this was a history of they not honoring my feelings, I just couldn't be there given that the battle ax was there. I'm not o.k., w/you dare to violate me,
then a week later I have turkey with you, and am expected to act as if nothing happened.

That story about your mom having pulled the table cloth off the table, was WOW!
Have they been successful at having her take the meds?

All right, take care,
Much Love & Light! Margeaux

I have three brothers, one is a drug addict, one lives far away and the other has a nurotic wife whom refuses to help out with my mom, because "its not her mom"

Welcome helinski-all I can tell you with the info you provided is that most families don't want a daughter in law or sister in law involved in their family caregiving. What is going on and can you provide more info tor us?

Gladimhere,

My sister too, doesn't read on her own, educate herself about ALZ.
She's the main caregiver, living w/mom. Many times of course issues have surfaced of the kind that have to do with the medications, and how effective they really are, or she's been prescribed too many, as in our case.

I completely understand, your position in this....that it appears you don't think an anti-depressant is the cure when your mom obviously has to be reminded about the death of her parents, as if it were a first time. IMO, I don't think anti-depressants help them, it really rather knocks them out, which is what was going on w/mother.

I don't live there, and am the visiting CG. I'm not part of MPOA, or any of the legal matters, then I've a controller sister. So sometimes, I found out what mom was taking when I was there, and sister was at work, because they'd left some prescription bottles on the table, and of course I took a look at what they were.

A few mos., ago my sister called to tell me she'd stopped most of the ALZ meds.
It was getting pretty bad, w/mom at that time. She was having gall bladder issues, wasn't eating, in pain. The meds.....as you know have to be taken w/food.
So, this was one point. Then, my sister was telling me, she was having to wake mom up to eat, she was so knocked out. She made attempts several times to reconfigure meds, w/mom's doc. But the doc wasn't interested in that, only giving her more. Actually, my mom seems o.k., and she did have a gallbladder laparoscopic procedure, back in April. I must say though, in our case.....she seems fine.

Just because your sister has a degree doesn't make her an expert, either.

O.K., gladyou're here!

Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Peoplepleaser59,

It's really good that you have realized that you have to stand up for yourself.
Yes, you don't have to be dealing with a mother in law, if this is the low level behavior being given in return. We often here this story, of the caring daughter in law, who does a lot for the family's mom, and all they get is criticism.

Besides, if you have your own health issues.....let her family deal with it.
Remember....the less one makes themselves available too, something will invariably happen, so that others that really should be doing this pick up the slack.

Stay strong!
Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Sorry for using the wrong here/hear.
Margeaux

We think we have solved the issue of mom's rash...she broke out with another rash yesterday, she said she was fine until she went to bed so it must be the laundry soap. We are going to supply them with the laundry soap mom has always used and hope this solves the problem.

Sharynmarie - we have backpacked from May Lake to Ten Lakes - took our 3 boys and two donkey - out for 12 days - estimate about 26 miles - it was a fantastic trip - our boys still talk about it. Hope the fire Gods are with our firefighters!

Margeaux -We too have had to boycott certain family situations - the entire family thinks were are judgmental (both sides of our families - dysfunction surrounds us!) and they are right - we have the good judgement to leave a bad situation. Well - my husband does! LOL - I am still working on that

OMG! I just typed a ton - and it is gone. Ugh. Anyway - went to see my mother today - and started out meeting the owner of the home she is in and I introduced myself as Linda's daughter - she shook my hand and said how sorry she was for me! THAT was telling! She said that in her 25 years of being in this field - she had never met anyone like her...Wow. Then my mother walks by - and looks at me and proceeds to tell me how sick she is since she had received my letter. Ok - today is the victim - I wrote the letter as she was not listening to me at all - and insists on how horrible it is blah blah blah. So - I just told her how it compared with the other places - and in the letter told her that her being mean and yelling at people does not help her. She had underlined everything she didn't like - proceeded to tell me how she was showing it to everyone to show how horrible I was. Well - knowing that she would do that - in my letter I complimented the staff - etc. I also said that the stroke had caused a mild form of dementia - which she just needed to know. Letting her know - placement for her is difficult. She is failing - and having a hard time holding things together. She is good for about half an hour - then looses it. She also pulled the dead dad card as his anniversary of his death was on the 22nd - AND I did not call her or send her a card....really??? So - today was blame and shame - and victim day....needless to say - been toxic all day - and having a martini now.

Tomorrow - shopping for the junk food - cut her hair - and bye bye...will spend a few days here without her drama.

Again - thanks to all that read all this - and really "get it". We have toxic people in our immediate families - accusing siblings/parents and yes - still have time to have a sense of humor....that and martinis - make life good!

Have a fantastic evening - you people are the best!

Cheers!

Karen

oh - and as for the meds - as she refuses to still take it - they are crushing it and putting it in her food she hates...so not getting the full dosage...we chatted about that today - went super well - hahahahahahaha - just crack myself up.

maybe I should switch from beer to martinis (plural)!

gladimhere - yes! I highly recommend it! =)

Sad1~You have to have a sense of humor or you'll go nuts. Some times we check into the funny farm, a padded cell for a few days. It's always best to go willingly before "They're coming to take me away, hey hey, hee hee, ho ho!! Some times we have Abbott and Costello days of who's on first, what's on second and I don't know is on third, LOL!! A martini can help now and then too.

Peoplepleaser~Good for you in stopping helping the mil. I know my in laws do not want my help in any way what so ever. I am not talking about caregiving. I offered to help my mil make fudge once because she complained that it hurts her arms to stir it as she had RA. She would shoot me down immediately saying it was not my place to help her...then why do you call me complaining? I just backed away and got where I wouldn't even answer the phone when she called.They are very clannish...to give you an example, yesterday a second cousin of my husband's posted some family pictures on f/b from when she was little...back when she and her family lived here in Cali. One of the pics was a group photo with herself, her brother, mom and dad, my bil and his daughters plus my mil and grandmother in law. My mil and grandmother in law are now passed but they are this second cousins great aunt and great grand mother. My bil told her that he and his dad (my fil) find it disrespectful to post pictures of deceased family members on f/b. He said he wanted her to remove the picture. Now this is all fine...a family has a right to what they believe....but....my bil's daughter has pictures of my mil on f/b. Why is it ok for his daughter and not a second cousin....because the family does not accept the second cousin's family as part of the family.

Sharyn, my mom was the same – about the rashes. I had tried different laundry soaps until we found the one that she did not break out in rashes.

Sad1, how does your mom feel about jelly/jam? Has her taste buds change where she now likes sweets or has it changed where she doesn’t like it? My father doesn’t like sweets – because it’s so sweet. If your mom still likes sweet, can you ask them to crush her pills and put it in jelly? Because jelly is sweet, it will cover the bitterness of the crushed pills. If she doesn’t like sweet, then need to brainstorm on an alternative.

Had to post this for all to laugh. I posted it in response to a caregiver question about antipsychotics.

antipsychotics. My mom takes 75 mg of seroquel, daily about 4. It really seems to help with the subdomains most of the time. Some AD take up to 400 mg a day. Sometimes of course there are still problems with her perception of reality, and she becomes quite angry. Ugly thing. Those times, probably once a month or so half a Saabs is added.

I really hate the spell checker on my tablet! Subdomains should have been sundowning, and saab should have been Xanax! Can you imagine taking 1/2 a Saab?! LOL!!

And never, ever, use my tablet unless I'm wearing my reading glasses!

Sad1daughter,

What a day you had!

These kind of elders will find anything wrong to complain about.
The more one does for them, the more they want, too.

This is the way it was while our aunt, mom's sister was alive. Nothing but complaints, and changing or threats of changing POA, on my sister. She wasn't in a nursing home either. I thought she should be. On that end, I'm happy for you that your mom doesn't live with you.

Well I hope you were able to take care of whatever particulars you needed to tend to while you were at her nursing home, and that they find a way for her to take her medication. Her behavior has to be quite dramatic if your saying the people at the NH, have said they've never seen anything like it.

Hang in there, and I'll join you with a glass of wine and we can order up a martini for you.

You are in my thoughts.
Much Love & Light! Margeaux

I spoke with my sister. She's at it again w/her struggles with our SIL.

I'd posted some time ago....well almost a year ago, about how demoralized I came home from Thanksgiving last year. My sister who lives at mom's has for the last several years been in charge of Thanksgiving. We bring dishes, too but she does the majority of the cooking. As the years have passed, I used to suggest to her she try to cut back, since she is the main caregiver and works full time.

I also have a very difficult SIL, married to our youngest brother. She and my sister have always had a competitive spirit going on, they both have two daughters.

SIL wears the pants, and I really think my brother has come to ignore her over the years. At last TG, my brother and his family showed up. My sister's first grandson tried giving one of his toys to my SIL"s youngest girl, age 19. She ignored the baby, followed by SIL doing the same.

I was told about this later that day, by my sister who was very upset about it.
But I also came to find out that my sister's own youngest daughter didn't say hell to my brother's family when they arrived at mom's home either. This fact is something that my sister downplays too. Her daughter has been somewhat of a problem and she lives there at mom's also; she's age 24. So in essence there's always this tension between them, and my sister and SIL, are at the root of it, since I know their history.

My sister filled my ear w/all of this event for the next couple of mos.
I gave her advice.....telling her that I do think our SIL has a PD of some kind.
Sometimes I'm thinking my sister does also. Anyway, my biggest suggestion was to stop engaging.....and being in touch w/the SIL. She and my sister had been texting, or anytime there was an invitation for anything, my sister would contact SIL. Well over the mos., that came to a halt. If ever there was any communication to be had, now my sister would call our brother.

This last month, my sister was invited to go to their home w/boyfriend and mom for a barbeque. While they were there, the SIL got ahold of my sister alone, and said something like...."Oh, I wanted to go to a food truck event, today."
Of course, my sister didn't take to this comment, since according to her it implies she really didn't want them there or something of the sort. Again, I realize w/my sister that she is on the defensive too, because she isn't in much communication w/SIL.
My sister responded, "Well, you should have gone." SIL: "Yes, but I wanted your brother to go with me."

My take on SIL, is she always manages to say not only off the wall statements,
but very unkind things. My sister knows this about her. But no! I had to hear the litany of excuses by my sister as to how she perceives the relationship between my brother and his wife. Ay yay yay! I told my sister that next time if she says something like this, she should respond "That's not my problem." Honestly, I didn't know what to say to my own sister. She goes round and round with the same issues, and volunteers form some of this, if you ask me.

What I don't understand is why my sister even goes to my brother's home, given all of this weird tension. So, this and other's posts here about the holidays has reminded me all too well what is upon us very soon.

I just may finally make our own turkey this year.

Margeaux

About 5th paragraph:

Should say: youngest daughter didn't say hello, not hell.

HAAH, sorry about that!
Margeaux

Margeaux, a few posts back you mentioned how your parents never stood up to mom's sister and her abusive behavior, and you were expected to "suck it up" and pretend as if everything is well. I can really relate to that experience. This sort of thing happens at most of my family gatherings. I don't understand why abuse and meanness/nastiness isn't stamped out by all family members... but in my Family, its the opposite, its very largely tolerated. Last Christmas, my maternal GM physically shoved me away from her, in a mean and violent way, because "she wasn't feeling good." I had gone over to her noticing that she looked tired, and attempted to comfort her. She responded by suddenly throwing her arm into me to shove me back away from her. Several people in my extended family saw what happened but no one said anything to her or stood up for me. I got a glimpse of what my mom must've endured a lot of years of growing up. Its just so sick to me... why doesn't my Family KNOW that this level of hatefulness, and hitting, is never to be tolerated?

Sharyn, you joked about how your bro claimed you were adopted. I remember as a kid not yet understanding that I was "forever chained" to my Family, and I remember going around our church and asking other adults if they would adopt me. Of course they laughed it off, but I was very serious, lol! I knew even at preschool age I didn't really like, or feel like I belonged to, the family that biology linked me to. Oh schwell. ;D

Sharyn, your story about mom's rash reminded me of a night I spent in a hotel in LA. I don't know what they used for detergent, but I itched the entire night and woke up with red, rashy skin. So makes sense to me that it could be due to too much detergent, or too harsh a detergent. Hope she's better now?

Sad1, you seem like you are starting to get the hang of handling your crazy mom, and family. I'm happy for you! For me, its just so darn freeing being able to use a combination of humor and detachment/boundaries tools to just pull loose of the emotional grip these people - especially mothers, seems to me - have over our daily peace and happiness.

But my mom is noticeably, strangely absent these days. I've actually called a few times, just to "check in" with her, and communicate so she has no excuses to go getting paranoid and suspicious of me... and she hasn't returned my calls in the past few weeks. I don't quite know what to make of it. It isn't like her to do this. So either her feelings are hurt, or??? I suppose I will find out soon enough. I do love her and just wish she could "act nice and normal" for a change... instead of... THIS... kind of behavior... its "always something" with her. Right now I'm apparently getting "the silent treatment"?

glad, I lol'd at your spell checker story. How do our electronics, with their little tech brains, go from Xanax to Saab? ...just how does that happen...??? ;D

Margeaux, your sis and sil's dynamic sounds all too familiar to me. The tendency that certain family members have potential to clash... and the sense that it stems from one of their's perception of being slighted... and it just all adds up to DRAMA. Maybe if you keep "preaching the gospel of detachment" to sis, she will begin to enact one day. And I personally am finding the old adage of "killing them with kindness" to be something that is going to be useful to me as well... detached as hell and dripping with sweetness... cackle, cackle...

Oh, plumbers just showed up, everyone have a good day!

Who gets the last laugh now, hahaha!! I love your cackle Alison!!

Update on crazy mom....went took her all the goodies - cut her hair - she was halfway decent - meds must be kicking in. I love the suggestion of jelly to hide the meds - but I did tell her today that her doctor changed her meds - and I think she may take them now...fingers crossed! As soon as she started talking about moving to another place - I started to talk about leaving. Why, Why?? And because she can sign her name - she thinks she can take my brother out of the trust! Wow - really? No lawsuit for me with that one! Told her it was too late that she was crazy - but she says " but I can pink!" Sign her name....yep - you can pink alright!

glad - even with your glasses on, you still need watch out. I think they have a mind of their own. They want to embarrass us when we post here. We've had some great ones here on Dys. Right, Sharyn. =) (Now that was soooo hilarious!!!)

Hahaha!!! Book, you are so right...I wish I had printed out that one I typed, LOL!!

Here's my take on dysfunctional family. I've got one. I try, I really try to be a nice person and the thanks I get is that I am mistreated. My sister won't invite me to any holidays. She has half the town over to her place. You drive by her house and there are plenty of cars there for TG or Christmas or Easter. Half the town and some of the next town, but not me. When I ask her if I am invited she says no, that I will have to find something else to do. When I ask her if I can go see Mom in the NH, 150 miles away for the holidays, she says no. She has POA and runs everything. She says who Mom can see and who she can't. It is so hurtful.

brandywine1949, your family is quite dysfunctional. I've read of several POAs on this site who have let all of the legal power inflate their dysfunctional minds into thinking they can regulate who sees and who does not visit _____. I've not read anything in either a durable or medical POA that gives authority to block people from visiting. Don't ask the next time you want to go, just go visit your mom.