The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Cmagnum, That's just the half of it. My husband has MCI or something. He is hard to get along with. I think he has dementia too but the neurologist won't say for sure. I am in therapy and appreciate this site and the support I get here.

Brandy~I have to agree with Cmag. You are letting your sister intimidate you when she has no real power to stop you. Only you can change that if you are ready to.

Here are tips on how to deal with people who intimidate you:
You have the right to be intimidating to an intimidating person when they are trying to inhibit you. You have to show you're not afraid.
Keep your cool
Try to appear confident.
Kick away any insecurity you still have and look for your strengths.
Love yourself and no one will be capable of bringing you down.
Be nice and polite, but don't let any of them walk over you, speak up.
Always stand straight
No one is better or worse than anyone. So be yourself and remember you're a great person in your own way. Don't let anyone walk over you or bring you down.
Don't get cocky. If you take on arrogance they may try these tricks on you.
Don't try to impress such people since the more you try to impress them the more unimpressed they will be.
Looking away or doing something unimportant while speaking may make your opponent feel that he is of lesser importance than the task you are performing. Dousing his ego in this way may give you an advantage when you turn to contest him full-on (establish eye contact, raise voice, etc.) later. Be sure to keep aware while you douse their ego, however, don't let yourself be caught unaware! Also don't run after them since that will show them that you feel like they're better or you can't manage without them. If you walk away, you'll find them running after you.
If all else fails and someone constantly tries to intimidate you, stay out of their way as much as possible and ignore them.

Not everyone is ready to do this and Brandy, if you are not ready that is ok too. Talk with your therapist regarding a plan so you are fully prepared as much as possible to on how to handle yourself. You can always come here to talk and vent even if you are not ready. Many hugs to you!!

this site is so wonderful!!! excuse my writings and typos...my disability. i now have no control over the care my father receives; the other two siblings have poa, but i still get complaints. i was there, but now i'm 21/2 hours away. as i read what you all write, i just nod my head...yes , yes i understand. i hope my siblings don't use this site; i don't want to disrupt my peace. thank goodness i now have a church who tells me i have no condemnation when i try to keep the word, and live a good life. i don't want to go into my religion, but it helps ME so much. i know i am worthy to be loved...the hate emails from my siblings is the same hate that i grew up with. my father hated me because i was born 10 months after my parents were married; i "ruined their marriage". believe me...if i could have Not been born to them, maybe it would have been better. but i refuse to let "them" control me; put me down anymore. i am better off without contact, because i'll always be criticized for anything i do. when the hate wasn't reaching me this last time, they both started on my husband....so there you go; you can't win. sending peace and light and prayers to all of you...we're the wounded children; john bradshaw and his workshops and books helped me with all that baggage, and now the Word gets me through; especially the psalms...God bless

Brandywine - your sister sounds horrible! She is so controlling and hurtful. I don't see why you would not be able to go see your own mother if you want - I would go anyway. I agree too with cmagnum - I have POA for my mother - and there is nothing in there about controlling visitors. If she complains - ask her to see the documentation that you can't go! Sometimes if you bite back a little - they back down. Sounds like she has been a bully for a long time - and you all have your set roles. If you change your behavior - she will have to change hers. You can only control what you do. Go see your mom...

Brandywine-
This year try a different approach, do not ask her if you are invited. See if she brings it up. She is probably getting some sort of satisfaction from you asking. Make some other plans for yourself and have fun!

Grateful cmagnum for this thread. My mother was a highly intelligent malicious narcissist, and my Dad a WWII vet whose PTSD was treated with electroshock therapy and my sister and I suspect a lobotomy. I cannot begin to describe the confusion and lack of self I have been unraveling with for over 30 years. The death of my Mom was like detachment from life support, and my psychologist husband compares my psychic attachment to her to a victim of Stockholm Syndrome. My entire identity (it seems) was about pleasing her and eventually others. My self-worth came from rescuing others, handling ever-more responsibility, trying to get approval and acknowledgement. I am now 60, and it is dawning on me that my life on earth may have its own path beyond caregiving. I could not stand what others would say or even think if I faltered one iota in the role of eldest daughter-as-caregiver. Just now am I learning that I don't have a clue what others truly think. I am learning I never really knew my Mom or sister or father. That the "system" I was ensnared in was simply adaptive to justify my existence as an extension/prosthetic puppet of Mom. Yet Mom did feel and love, which makes it all so much more difficult and the grief all the more "complex." It is as though my family were ghosts when I thought I knew them well (because we all shared a closed system). Sometimes I wake up in the morning and am astounded that I don't know what happened for 60 years. Loss of a borderline parent haunts and that haunting just gets more intense. But like cataracts getting fixed, I am beginning to see glimpses of freedom and normalcy, perhaps what others see .... My psychological awareness is increasing as I caretake (and coordinate other caretakers) for my Dad. Perhaps that hardest thing of all is to realize I do not know what my father is feeling when I see his eyes, and why we caretakers are in the intense situation we have stepped up to. I suspect most of us have a sense of deep moral obligation, unrequited love, and would hope to pass on the caring. Sorry I rambled. I really want to learn from this thread.

brandy, I agree with the others. I think your sis gets sick satisfaction putting you down. I found I have to accept my sis the way she is, detach and set boundaries. I will never have the relationship I would like with a sister, with her.
A number of us here have dysfunctional sibs. Better to realize how they are, give up the hope and dreams of a good, normal relationship with them and figure out how to best deal with them and protect yourself.
Sorry I have not been much use - between sinuses and other head aches and tiredness I am not accomplishing much anywhere.
Mother called today about some correspondence from one of her pension people. She doesn't understand it as she says they don't know where she is. Obviously they do or it wouldn't have reached her. It is probably a form letter to make sure she is still at the same address or something like that. I think I need to get the addresses/phone numbers of her various pensions, account numbers for utilities, insurance etc. and have mail directed to me. She just gets confused by it. I should be able to get most of it next time I go down, and she is in hospital. I know where her files are. I will leave her bank and credit card statements going to her for now as I can get copies from the bank branch here and I think she would notice if they did not come to her, and she would get upset. She left a voice mail that this needed to be dealt with before Tuesday (I don't think so) and that lots of money was disappearing from her bank account (I don't think so about that either). I will check her account shortly. My sis wrote and asked how I was doing with mother's expenses and I answered that I wasn't doing anything about mother's expenses and that she still dealt with them, I was only viewing her account to see that all was in order. I am thinking that I should send my sis a copy of the statements I get from the bank. I plan on getting them monthly. I have yet to ask for a cc statement but think it should not be a problem. I don't trust sis not to cause trouble and am thinking this is the best way to protect myself. If it ever came down to it the bank statements could be verified by the bank. What does anyone think? If you are POA do you send statements to sibs? If you are not POA does your sib send statement to you? Looking for some wisdom here.
Sis also said that mother wrote her that she would move to Ontario if she got a chance. Hmmm - still a flight risk. I don't think the nieces and nephews would welcome her with open arms.
marylee -glad things are better and your faith is holding you up. I love the psalms.
sad1 - sounds like you are making progress detaching. At least your mum is getting some of her meds.
assandache - from a while back -sorry that holidays suck for you - it seems as we get older, for a variety of reasons that is the case
Alison - looks like you are getting lots of insights and putting them to good use
Sharon - you have some good family visits coming up - enjoy!
cmag - nice to see you posting. Hope your wife is doing well post op. Did you mum finally have that procedure?
Margeaux - are you and hubby recovered from the ordeal?
austin -so happy for you and your man. I read somewhere you wrote he had a very difficult wife. My man had that too and she is still causing trouble. She is very controlling. He says she did him a favour by divorcing him.
juju - where are you? Are you and mum back home yet?
gladimhere - are you still in court with your sib?
heli - welcome - you fit right I with your dysfun fam. Lots of experience here.
Book – who are you doing?
Have I forgotten anyone? hope not but if so not intentional
I want to explain what I meant when I said, a while back, that I have some sympathy for doctors. It has to do with research into very increased numbers of procedures and surgeries during the last months to a year of life which have been shown to have no benefit for the patient, so docs are staring to back off as it is a huge cost to the system. Now as in juju's case, she knows her mum best; she pushed for appropriate treatment and finally got it. Good for her. However, there are cases where things are different. About ten years ago, before this research, my friend's husband had esophageal cancer and in his last months they kept sending him to another hospital for a certain procedure. He was terminal and everyone knew it, including him (he was a university prof). The procedures didn't do him, or anyone any good, and the trips caused him quite a bit of distress each time. She was talking to me about this and wondering about the value of it. I gently said they did not have to agree to continuing these procedures. They talked about it and decided against continuing. His last days were made as comfortable as possible, and his end, with the help of morphine, was peaceful. I was there and it was a blessed release. In the "old days" my son would have been kept on a ventilator for the rest of his life and existed in an NH. He was already getting pneumonia in the few days he did survive after the assault. We could have pushed for them to keep him on the ventilator, but we chose to go with their recommendation, and do not regret that. It was no life for him. Sometimes less is better. The main caregiver and the individual, if competent enough, know what it best. Medical people have been, to a large degree, trained to maintain life at any cost. With the growing numbers of seniors, that is being revisited and I think that is good. Unfortunately, inevitably, some judgement calls will be wrong.
Have a good weekend everyone! Love, hugs and prayers, Joan

50schild - welcome. We posted at the same time. You speak the truth. We have a number of posters with personality disorder, narcissistic parents - usually mums and some sibs. You describe the lack of self, where your self worth came from. and the realisation that you count and you have a life of your own, very well. It is a journey we all are on. Rambling is fine - it is what we do here quite often. I think dysfun fam members do not know each other very well. We try to attain some image, or we are perceived in a certain role, but not outside of it. I have always said that my mum and sis do not know me well - they "create" a me that fits their unhealthy needs. People my mother has described me to tend to get surprised when they meet. me.
When you see them actually expressing some real emotions, it tugs your heart, but it is such a small part of the whole. I treasure those moments, but do not expect more. My motto is "Take care of you". Looks like you are staring to, ((((((hugs)))))) Joan
.

emjo, you raise a good question about bank reports and sibs. I've never thought of providing my step-father or step-sibs with bank statements and securities statements. I do know that my step-brother would like to get his hands on some of that money to pay for his dad's care when the day for a nursing home is absolutely needed. In my opinion, my step-dad has three well off children who can tend to his care plus he is a WWII vet and should get help from the VA. Nor have I thought of sending my mother's sister any financial information either. I am keeping the statements though and people can see them. This money is separate from my step-dad's and their joint account. It includes money she's saved, inherited, earned and invested that over a decade ago she made me joint owner of with right of survivorship and my step-relatives know that.

That money pays for what my mother's long term care insurance policy does not cover plus it paid for those back taxes that she owed from years past when she and my step-dad failed to pay their taxes. Now with her medical expenses and securities not earning much money, she does not pay any taxes which she now files as married but separate. Those back taxes with penalties and interest took a big chunk out of the bank accounts. I now wish that when cleaning up that tax mess that I had only focused on my mother's tax liability and left my step-dad's up to his children to fix for now he owes her $37,000 which I know will not be paid back although my step-brother agrees that his dad does owe this to my mother. My step-dad is apposed to my mother being in the nursing home and does nothing to support her financially although he could.

My wife is doing well in post op and sees the surgeon on Tuesday for a follow up. My mom finally had that kidney stone blasted. Unfortunately, she has a bacterial infection in her bladder that antibiotics have not been able to cure.

50schild~Welcome to the thread. I can relate about not knowing yourself. I have dealt with that myself. I was so entwined with my mother (personality disorder) that I actually saw myself at times as an extension of her and not an individual. It is very eye opening when you can acknowledge your own identity, realize that you have separate opinions from your parent and that you are a worthwhile person.For many years, I identified with my sister whom my parents favored. I tried to like the same things she did. I no longer do that, LOL!! I hope you come back and share more with us!!

Joan~As you know my sis is the primary taking care of mom's financial. She send me copies of the statements. I did not ask her to but she wants to. I trust her because she has a high code of following rules and she has been honest and outright when asking if this or that is acceptable. I had some concerns with her in the beginning especially when she let the car insurance lasp instead of cancelling it and getting a rebate for mom. Over all I have no reason to not trust her and I appreciate her sending me copies every 3 months. I know she is overwhelmed with all the paperwork she is having to deal with, follow up phone calls. The community is really lacking on returning phones calls to her. When they bill her for the month, she has very little time to get the check in the mail before it is overdue...but so far they have not charge a late fee. I think it is a good idea to make contact with all your mother's financial securities because as we found out, some have their own POA they want signed for their records even though mom's attorney told us that it is not necessary. It is not because the attorney is wrong... it is procedure.

I do agree with what you said about dr.'s or hospitals (ER) not doing certain testing on an elder because of their condition. We ran into this with my father when he was vomiting blood at the NH. He was very advanced with the Alz. They did not want to sedate him to scope his throat or stomach. At first I was very angry about it...but because of the advanced stage of Alz, I realized that if he had esophagus cancer or stomach cancer...the treatment would probably shorten his life since he was not strong enough to endure it. I agree that what Juju did for her mother was necessary and right.

Well everyone, I hope you have a happy Labor Day weekend. I will be working but have Monday off. Those of you who will be traveling, stay safe!! Hugs to everyone!!

I don't have POA over father but my name is on both of their bank accounts. I never even thought to share their accounts with my siblings. It's none of their business. It's not as if they were using their money to help the parents (when mom was alive.). And even then, I would not give it. It will just give them incentive to find a sob story for father to give money. Except everyone knows I'm tight fisted when it comes to money.

FYI, there is a video trending. I thought you all might like to Google it and get some laughs from it. I have always thought these scary movies were exaggerating when people running from something scary would fall down...until I watched this video prank.

Google: Japanese Dinosaur Prank. Part 1 is the man, Part 2 is a "woman".

Allison,

When people grow up around dysfunction, this is all they know, and become used to bad treatment by their so called loved ones. This definitely happened to me,
but it took for me to realize it, acknowledge it for what it is, and follow my gut instinct which was it's wrong, FOR ME! Our spirit gets so beaten down in the process, that we then become filled w/lot's of self doubt, insecure. If this happens we become that dog that's always chasing it's tale.

There's no enlisting other dysfunctional family members to do your bidding.
It would be wonderful if any of us could think that we could "stamp out narcissism
meanness/negaltivity," but we have to do this ourselves. I hate to burst your bubble, but the only ones who can rescue us is ourselves.

Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Another resource I thought to pass along. The National Family Caregivers Association. If you have a Linked In profile, NFCA has a group there. Lots of good info.

Glad - We have that association here on our little island. That's the one that does the monthly group meetings for caregivers with real breakfast and lunch included. When I say real - I mean real food and not finger food. They also provide a certain amount of hours for their caregiver to come to our home to give us cg respite. And they have allocated a certain amount of budget for the "patient" (father's budget went down this year to $60) and for the cg (mine went down from $60 to $40.00). I requested my $40 for movie theater tickets. I will be picking up those on Tuesday. And when I finish my budgets, I can still buy supplies for father at a much discounted price than I would at the stores. A box of Unigard (100 count?) at the store is $95.00. I can buy it the NFCA for only $60! Box of gloves at the store is $12, at NFCA is only $6.00. Yes, I agree, call around and also remember to ask the person what other programs do they know of that you can contact.

When my mom passed away in March. Father refused to go to the funeral. He's bedridden and none of the family Volunteered to stay behind to watch him. I KNEW that I would have ended up staying behind. And that just pissed me off because my Adult nieces/nephews could have said, "Aunty, I will stay behind so that you can go to Grandma's funeral." Neither them nor my siblings spoke to their children to do this. So, I KNEW I would end up - like always - being the one to stay behind. Bad enough most people didn't know I existed all these years caring for my parents - since they all thought my bro-of-next-door and his wife were the one taking care of them.....So, I called up NFCA and ASKED the manager if she knew a program or association that I can call and hire for the day of mom's funeral so that I can attend her funeral. She said that she will discuss it with my respite caregiver to see if she's willing to use her day off to come and watch father. What ever arrangements (as in paying) is between the two of us and nothing to do with NFCA. I agreed. Respite caregiver agreed. And it worked out perfectly. I didn't have to worry of rushing after the burial to change father's pampers before the visitors arrived. The cg did that.

So, it doesn't hurt to ask. One never knows the answer they will give. =)

Thanks for this thread, boy did I need this one! I'll try to explain as briefly as possible! I married into this dysfunctional mess and had I know how it would end up I think I would have run a mile! "Mom (in law)" and I have been buddies for many years and have always had a good relationship so that's why I didn't hesitate when she needed me. She had five children and has lost three of them. The last daughter passed last December with Mom and I and other family members by her side for 26 hours. The two remaining sons are my husband and his younger brother who has been the "baby" for 50 years! He is a lazy bum who is on permanent vacation and has relied on Mom financially his entire life to bail him out. He never asks her, just piles on the sob story until she sends him money. Now that I have control of her finances, that has ended! He lived with us for six months for free while working and when I asked him to help with the utility bills ONE time, he went ballistic and left my house with $4000.00 in his account and we had a shut off notice. Since he left, Mom fell and broke her hip and now moved back in my home and I am her caregiver and daughter full time while working part time. He has threatened to get me fired 'cos I asked him to stop worrying her with his problems. He would call her 5 times a day up until 2 weeks ago when she told him to get a damn job and stop asking her for money. He won't answer her calls or return her messages and my husband still wants to help him! I won't have him in my house ever again even if it upsets hubby or his mother! He crossed the line with me big time! If I have to choose which side, I choose mine! Oh and he refuses to speak to me at all, even about his mother's declining health!
Thanks for letting me vent!!

Amazing, there are organizations that will help ANY WAY they can, never the same with family.

There is another thread you all may be interested in reading. WhiteKnight sounded bit confused.

https://www.agingcare.com/questions/reasonable-payment-child-caring-for-parent-161215.htm

Jack~It sounds to me like you have good reason to set boundaries with some who want to use others.. Also if your husband insists on helping his younger brother...let hubby also care of mom and her finances. See how far he gets before he either burns out or refuses to enable younger brother.

Book~I would not let siblings know bank account numbers and you are right in doing that. i watched the video of the dinosaur... it is very funny. Very ingenious how realistic it looks. I don't know what I would do if I were in that situation,LOL!! I like to watch funny cat videos on utube..some are sweet cute...some are just so funny!!

My ex boyfriend Gene, called me yesterday. His mother is a horror that has him firmly by the balls at age 50. It's ridiculous. He still allows his mother to rule him.

We broke up 13 years ago. He would talk to me then about all the things that he was going to do, accomplish, etc. He hasn't done a damn thing. He's still in the same mental and physical rut he was in so long ago. Nothing has changed. He's still angry, and still blames the world for all of his problems. He never looks at himself, or sees that HE needs an attitude overhaul.

His mother is my mothers narcissistic clone, only I was a fighter and he always bowed down to his mothers wrath. When we were together she hated my guts. Imagine that. Someone opposing her? *gasp!* The feeling of loathing was mutual.

The phone call yesterday was depressing as hell. I am no longer in that mental rut, and my mental chains are forever broken. I feel, when I talk to Gene, that his never will be. We fought like cats and dogs when we were together over his mother, I tried to tell him what was up...he wouldn't listen. 2 years after we split, he called me and told me about a huge blow up he had with good old mom, where he flat out told her to get bent and to back the hell off of him. He said I was right about everything. Yup.... Too little, too late. I wouldn't touch him again with a 10 foot pole.

I feel sorry for him. Yeah, he told his mom to back off, finally got one of his balls back, but he continues to allow her to rule him even today, and jumps when she says jump, the poor sap. If he doesn't jump, then he gets the '1000 ways you're a dumbass' lecture, and he takes it. It makes me want to scream.

He once again was doing the 'woe is me' thing, and I cut him off in mid complaint. I told him flat out that unless and until he changed his entire mindset, he'd always be in chains. He's depressed, unhappy, and has gotten obese enough to worry his doctor...but he doesn't DO anything to change his circumstances. He still comes running when mother calls... **headdesk**

He's a good guy in a lot of ways, but so damaged I can't help him at all. When I try and give him advice, show him that there is a ticket to freedom, he blows me off. So be it. I just told him flat out that he was bitching today about the same crap he bitched about 13 years ago, and that if that's all he was capable of doing, then calling me was pointless, because he wouldn't like what I had to say anyway.

His mom has made him feel, all his life, that nothing was ever good enough, that somehow, someway, he was lacking in failing to please her. The woman can't be pleased, but here he is, still climbing that mountain. Sad as hell. Unless he GRABS his life back, he'll be in chains till the day he dies, even after good old mommy dearest is gone. This is a huge man, 6'6", reduced to a scared kid by mother. It killed me when we were together, it kills me now. I told his mom to her face what I really thought about her. It was war from day one.

We lived together for awhile, Gene and I. If the woman didn't call half a dozen times a day it was a miracle. He ALWAYS picked up, always, even when I told him to ignore the phone. His mother called one day, asking to speak to ME. Oh freaking joy. She told me that she couldn't understand why I couldn't have dinner on the table, waiting for Gene when he got home, and why I insisted on treating 'her son' so badly, and couldn't even fix a meal for her poor, poor boy. I proceeded to remind her that her son wasn't working and didn't have a job. I also informed her that while he sat on my couch, and lounged by her pool all day and relaxed, I worked 12+ hour double shifts to pay the bills...and buy the food he was eating...and he could get off his ass and cook his own damn meals, thanks. And I told her never to call me at MY house blathering on about stupid bullshit again, because I wasn't Gene, and I wasn't having it. She told me I wasn't 'good enough' for 'her son'. I laughed in her face and hung up on her. God, she detested me. Then Gene had to listen to his mother about the call later, and came home asking me why I 'always' felt the need to 'stir up shit'. Um...what? We didn't last long, and I booted him back to mother's before a year was up.

Poor sap.

StandingAlone, what a tragic story of a grown man who allows his mother to dominate his life. I doubt that at 50, he will ever gain his freedom. You were wise getting him out of your life. I can identify with much of your story, but my situation was never as bad as this. My MIL never has liked me because she does not like men who stand up to her. The only reason that she misses her dead husband is that her slave is not around to do her bidding. I'm not sure that my mother ever really liked my wife, but my wife and I have each gotten out of the bondage that we were in. It took years of therapy, learning how to set boundaries with concrete consequences, etc. Have a nice day.

Love, hugs, and prayers for all.

It amazes me that my MIL is temperamental with her children, throws hissy fits and declares she wants to die immediately. When I am with her two days a week, she doesn't pull these shenanigans. When the drama queen appears, get an audio or video clip with your cell phone and play it back to her.

Pstieg, is that what you did with mother-in-law? Did you use the cellphone on her?

I have not had to do that, like I said, she does not try to manipulate me. I respect her, but I will tell her the facts straight out. When she wanted to leave the ER and go home, I said: " You could go home. But it might be a one-way trip."

I was wondering because your's is the first I've heard of doing that with the cell phone. I'd never would have thought to reply the way you did when she wanted to leave the ER. I would have just did my best to use persuasion on WHY they should stay. I like your way better. =)

I've not been posting much on this thread because...a lot of times, your stories bring up the past. Past that I do not want to remember. Like with my brother and what he did to me in order to get my signature. I mentioned it here first. then in therapy. I did not realize that what he did to me was Really Really Bad until I saw the therapist's face. She had the most solemn face I've ever seen. She then asked me how do I feel. I said nothing. She kept asking me that question and I kept repeating, nothing. I finally told her straight out: I'm blank inside.

She said that I should be angry, hurt, bitter, etc... Instead, I come to these sessions, talk about my family and I do it with calmness and a smile. And she just sat there staring at me. I just didn't understand her.

I don't understand hints or innuendos. I don't even get 99% of jokes. My family knows that if they want something, they can't hint to me. They have to straight out ask me. So, these therapies are such a mystery for me.

I didn't understand why she kept asking that question over and over. Until Sharyn kept telling me over and over (okay - twice) that depression is anger repressed. I FINALLY put the therapist words and Sharyns words ....and now understand what they were trying to tell me. Okay, I have some very deepseated anger within me. And that's why I'm fighting therapy, myself and my assignments. I realized that I will continue to do this as we do therapy. In the end, I will hate therapy, quit and never ever go back.

I have decided that I need to do small steps. My New goal is to learn to love me. I read an ebook and also online.. on loving yourself, in the preface or intro, that you can do all these self-helps but if you don't love yourself, it will not work. When I read that, I had a lightbulb moment.

I have changed course, again. Hopefully, this time, I am on the right path. Like one poster asked me on YOU, Who are You? if I took away all what people in my life told me about me, and stripped it down to the Core of Me, do I know who I am? I thought about her questions and I realized that I don't know who I am.

So that is my new journey...to discover Me and to learn to accept and like me.

I think this will be a very very difficult journey. I have to force myself to face my past because my dysfunctional family was what shaped me. The fear of going against authority, the fear of disagreeing with the authority, the need to conform to avoid being punished. These are all so deeply rooted. Am I ready? I don't know....

Remember, every WRONG road you went down led you to the right road you are on today. Love yourself. That's right. I'm tearing up thinking about it. Love yourself.