The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Book~I remember not knowing who I was as an individual. I knew I was the youngest in my family of origin, I knew my mother saw me as irresponsible, I knew I was "M's" wife, "J" and "L's" mother,...my in laws, who have loved me in their own way...I was "the daughter in-law". I was probably about the same age you are now when I was going through that. Who is Sharyn???Are my opinions valid even though they are different from my family, different from my husband, and different from my in-laws...I kept much to myself, would just nod and grin. Eventually it all came together for me and it will for you too. Try to focus on what you do know about yourself...not what others have told you, but what you know deep down in your heart.

Your past does not define you now. You will see that in time. Sending you love and hugs my friend!!

Tomorrow I am off...YAY for me!!! I have only been getting one day off a week for about a month now...not working 40 hours a week but it still interferes with seeing mom and keeping up at home. Tomorrow is the one day I have to get get everything organized before my son and dil get here. I asked for the 7th off but didn't get it, heavy sigh!!! However, I don't have to go to work until 5pm that day so I will at least have a big part of the day with my son and visit mom...but no family dinner. I told my co-worker tonight (she is second in charge) that I am off tomorrow so if someone calls in...don't call me because I will not be answering my phone, LOL!!! Hubby was a saint and went to the grocery store for me today...I know i work in a grocery store so why can't you get your own groceries after you clock out for the night???? BECAUSE!!!! I just want to get home and now I won't have to make that extra trip out to shop....he is so good to me!!!♥Plus, I don't want to go to my work site on my day off.

Hoping everyone has a great Monday, enjoy the last day of Labor Day weekend if you are off!

I am so disappointed!! I need to vent!! As you know my son will be here this weekend..he told me they would be here either the 5th or 6th. I sent him a text asking him if I asked for 7th off if that would fit with their plans so we could spend time together. He said yes. Now he tells me they will be gone on Saturday. I am so angry!!!! Why do i bother trying to have relationship with someone who is only coming here because a friend of his wife is getting married. They had no intentions on spending time with family...It is rubber room time...I am in my padded cell banging my head against the wall!! : /((!!!

Not to mention....(#&*%^&%^(#@)@)!!!!!!

Oh sharyn (((((((((((((((((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))))))))))))))) I sense some dil sabotage...

I don't know...my son has real communication issues and he says what I want to hear. He has always been that way so i can't blame it all on her. The problem with her is she has nothing to do with us so communication with her is zero...and she will just leave it up to my son knowing how he is. I take it she just doesn't care. I have my issues with my in laws but I encourage my husband to spend time with his family. The only reason they are coming up here is because my dil has a friend who is getting married. I told my son I am very disappointed and that he needs to work on his communication skills or stop telling me what he knows I want to hear...I said work on it at church...end of my sermon...I love you. He won't respond back I already know that because he won't talk about issues. Thank you Joan!!! ((((((((((((HUGS Back to you!!))))))))))))

I'm sooo sorry, Sharyn. {{{{HUGS}}}}

Sharyn that stinks...My son pulls the same crap.. Hopefully you'll see him even if it's for a quick visit...

I hate the fact that I have to send my son a text message if I want to converse with him! If I call, I'm lucky if I get a call back.

Thank You Book!!
Thank you assandache7!! I love you name on here!!! I will see him briefly each day which I guess is what he wants. You can mark my words...the next time they need money...It won't come from us. I don;t mind text messaging because he works a different shift and it is easier to text than to try to call. He has been good about calling me directly when something important in the family comes up because he knows I am up late when he gets off work. I just feel we are being used as a hotel stop. He most likely will not go by to see mom or my fil. I am ashamed because I have always put family first and stressed that with both my kids. Thank you all for the your words and the hugs!!!

Coming from a dysfunctional family or a narcisstic mother does change who we become-once my mom said she was a good mother because we turned out ok-we turned out ok in spite of her and had to be strong on our own and we would have been able to achieve more in life if we had had a loving mother.

Oh Sharyn - I am so sorry about your son! I have been absent for a few days- taking a break - from life. My daughter is a little like that - they just don't get it - and honestly - it is rude. I am so sorry.....

Thank you Sad1.~My son and dil just don't seem to care about our feelings. He wouldn't give me a specific day that they were coming just saying the 5th or 6th. He knows I can't just take a day off without scheduling it a head of time. It is what it is. Very selfish of them both.

Sharynmarie Don't you wish you could still say "your grounded"!LOL

Today was my mother's follow up visit with her urologist following the blasting of her kidney stone last Monday. The x-ray shows the stone is completely gone. However, we do have a concern about her bladder infection that is resisting various antibiotics.

At the nursing home, the head nurse told me that my mother has another bedsore on her other foot and that she refuses to let them change her position in bed despite explaining why it is important. She also told me about her concern that my mother is not eating very well which I've noticed myself. She is a picky eater and can no longer feed herself.

Since going to the hospital in June, all my mother has done is to sleep. If and when she speaks, she might say three words. She recognizes me when I come into the room, but then falls asleep.

Maybe my mind is just being morbid, but it sounds like she's only a few steps away from needing a feeding tube which her living will says do not do.

Well, that is my report for today.

Assandache7~LOL!!!Yes I do and I wish I could tell him he is time out in the corner...one minute for each year of his age...Since he is ADHD, he wouldn't be able sit for 33 minutes in a corner, LOL!! It sure would be fun to watch him try!!!

Cmag~I am sorry to hear your mom is not eating well. Is she at a point where they are pureeing her food, if not maybe that would help...just a suggestion.My mother does not want a feeding tube either which is in her living will and health directive. I have an aunt who has been on a feeding tube for about 8-10 years now, she is completely unresponsive to all stimulation. I don't think you are bing morbid, I think you are preparing yourself. Keep us updated, prayers for you and your mom! Hugs to you!!

Yes, mom is at the point where they are pureeing her food.

Cmag, I'm not saying that this is what your mom is going through, but she reminds me of mom on the sleeping part. For years, mom would sleep most of the day, and then be awake in the evening and all night. Being vegatitve state, she would just lie in bed with her eyes wide open - all night. Then sleep in the daytime. I KNEW when she started sleeping at nights that it was almost time. But there was a part of me that thought if I don't feed her that I was starving her to death. It didn't help that her muscles in the legs shrank and her skin was tight against her legs, moving upward. And her shoulders and stomach were sinking in. I thought she was starving and kept giving her nutrition drink thru the feeding tube. Only afterwards, like recently, I've found out that my continuing to feed her could have been hurting her. Her body was shutting down, and here I was forcing food thru her stomach. If she did not have the feeding tube, there would have been no way to feed her by mouth cuz she was sleeping all the time - day and nights.

I guess just be there for her. Even if her eyes are closed, she might still be awake ...just too tired to open her eyes. Their hearing is the last to go. So sorry. {{HUGS}} to you, Cmag....

Cmag are you allright with her wishes of no feeding tube being inserted?

Thanks, Book.

Austin, I'm ok with her wishes. I am not sure how my step-dad will react to the wishes stated in her living will which he knows about, but I'm not sure he understands. It is getting harder and harder to explain things to him as his mind declines.

Has anyone had experience with sudden onset of exhaustion? I mean complete and utter fatigue. Bedtime is normally about 6:30, then up and down for 2-3 hours. But the last couple of days, mom has been completely exhausted to the point of lethargy by 5:00. She actually started to fall asleep while I was trying to do her exercises with her last night. When she gets this tired, she has a hard time walking, talking and couldn't even slide across the bed to her pillow last night.

I am going to take her to the doc today to check for another UTI. But, I wonder if it may be meds. A couple of weeks ago we changed the 10 mg Namenda twice a day to Namenda XR 28 mg, once a day. And I'm also wondering if the 75 mg of Seroquel may be effecting her more now, for whatever reason. She has been on the 75 mg once a day for a couple of months now.

This has just come on so suddenly, I'm not at all sure what could be causing it.

Glad~Let us know about your mother...I don't know what could cause her to suddenly become so exhausted, unless it is the increase in Namenda. Maybe the XR does not suit her system as well as taking it 2 x's a day.

She is only taking it once a day.

Glad~What I mean is that maybe taking the XR Namenda @ 28 mg once a day does not agree with your mother where the regular Namenda @ 10 mg 2 x's a day does agree with her. Just a thought...

Got back from the doc awhile ago. They started an antibiotic, think she may have an upper respiratory infection, she has been coughing alot. They did not want to expose her to radiation and thought the lungs sounded clear. Also checking for a UTI, which is what I bet it is. This will be her fourth since May, if I am right.

Sharyn, I misunderstood the 2x a day part. Thank you for your thoughts. It is one of those things that could be understood two different ways.

One of my biggest gripes is POA's can be taken away if someone refuses to act which is taken to mean the POA does not want to do it. Because of an impossible situation and sibs continuous refusal to spend mom's money for mom because of the impact on inheritance, I also look at that as refusal to act in mom's best interest. But it is a different type of refusal. Wonder if anyone has ever fought something like that in the courts.

Sharynmarie - my daughter is the same way - she makes plans - and really - only contacts me when she wants something - or needs me to watch the kids. Very selfish too...my son's are not so much - I am just not sure what happened with her! Very frustrating. she is the only one that lives closest to my mother - who has in her warped way - helped my daughter quite a bit financially - seems that is the only thing she can give...and my daughter just takes, takes and takes. She will not go see her at all - even thought she knows it would take the burden off me a little. And she isn't young! she knows better.

So more dentist drama - now my mother wants to go back to the dentist and insists it should be done yesterday. She has also bullied the care facility to give her all of the $200 that she insists she needs - and called her friend and said I was coming down tomorrow to spend 3 weeks...good grief. yet when I am there with her - she seems like she has things together. Except when I asked her about the Christmas lights on the tree outside her room - she didn't know what I was talking about. does this all sound fairly normal in our world?

Gladimhere~Refusal to use a parents money for their care is neglect of the elder.If the POA was written by an elder law attorney, I would document everything outlining the refusal of the person who has POA, emails,etc. take it to the attorney. It may require you going to court to get a conservatorship/guardianship over your mother. An elder law attorney can advise you what steps to take.I am glad you went to the dr., if it is a UTI then it probably has been caught early so she doesn't have to be admitted to the hospital. Hopefully the antibiotics will clear up any infections she has going on.

Sad1~That sounds like my son...We only hear from him when he is in crisis mode, needs money. Yet they are participating in a church situation where they do not celebrate birthdays, Christmas,etc (which is fine) except we don't even get a thinking of you card from them throughout the year. Sounds like they only think about us when they need something. Does your mother have early stage dementia?

Found out today the mom's home owner's is going to cancel the policy because the house is vacant unless we pay $2,000 a year!!!! Waiting to hear more from my sis on other options. We were waiting to sell the house next spring so the prices would come up more after the recession since the real estate market is slowly recovering here in CA.The policy will be cancelled on 10/9 which does not give us a lot of time to clear out mom's house, sell what we don't want and put the house up for sale. I wish my sister was willing to do the estate sale as a result of not doing it, we will probably have to take some losses on mom's behalf by having the real estate agent arrange for some one to buy what we don't want. I hate to put it in storage because chances of us selling it later are slim and I really don't want to use mom's money for storage rent. Any suggestions would be appreciated on this issue. I guess I could store furniture in my garage and try to sell it on Craigslist????

Emjo,

I am not sure about the law and being required to send siblings bank statements.
In our family, first "golden boy," was the POA, and had access to all of mother's and the battle axes, (aunt's) accounts. Unfortunately, he did stick his greedy hands in there and as a result some very questionable manuevers surfaced to the rest of the siblings later. But later, his POA was revoked and my sister has had it since. Never have I asked my sister about any thing regarding bank accounts.
I may have other issues with her, but I trust enough and she does take care of lot's of business, quite the responsible, "do it," person.

But I know in your case, that your sister seems to stir it up. Well, at least if you have the copies of the statements filed away, you can always refer to them.
In terms of a strategy with your sister though, do you think that it would be wise to pay attention to her?

My husband and me are doing well, thank you. We got through the hurdle.
But now that some of this is behind us, I have to say that it was trying.
If you can imagine, it's been just about a month since his surgery, but he barely saw the surgeon yesterday for a follow up. I thought that was kind of a long wait for a post-op follow up. Good news, is that he's o.k., on the doctor's end.
But he was told by another person who had a hernia, about still being very careful when it comes to lifting heavy objects, because it is still healing. My husband says that he does feel a tug and pull every now and again, in that area where he had the hernia. Other than that, I've been really making our own green drinks.
They are really delicious and quite easy to make. They've lots of minerals and enzymes, so that I help keep our bodies regular.

What you wrote, regarding your friend's ill, was it her father....anyway, I completely agree with you that there must come a moment in which family's or people close to someone who is ill, must decide what is really beneficial in terms of age, possible unnecessary treatment, etc. I know in dad's case who was suffering from cancer had already been through surgery, and several rounds of chemo. Later, when the doctor's claimed he needed yet another surgery in order to place a chemo therapy device, in order for the treatment to go directly to the location vs. he receiving it throughout the entire body, I had lot's of questions as to whether this was necessary anymore. But of course, my mom (prior ALZ), was the ultimate decider/convincer where any and all decisions were concerned. My sister also, appeared to have no issue that yet another surgery.I felt it was being shoved in dad's face. I was livid. Well guess what? He went through it. But the pump couldn't be placed for some reason. When the doc came out of the operating room..he told us he'd removed dad's gall bladder, because it had cancer. I know, that this came as a shock to mother, who in those days thought in her brain..just because she and dad had medical insurance that the doctors could perform miracles. I was so angry that my mother could be so willful, and take poor dad through yet another surgery. Also thought it quite weird,
this doctor telling us about the gb, too. In any case, this is when family's have to be very careful about a loved one's health decisions, and really advocate for this person. Sometimes, too we must face the realities of it all, instead of continuing to take our elders through some very dangerous and often futile procedures.

When I say this also, I am in no way trying to minimize the difficulty for anyone who has made, or is faced with making these decisions.

How is your head feeling these days?
I hope you are better.

Hugs,
Much Love & Light! Margeaux