The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

I must say that after having read some posts about kid's who only seem to pay attention to their parents, when in a crisis mode, "what is wrong with that picture."
I've witnessed my own neighbor who gets majorly ignored by her two children.
One lives closeby and even works in our town where we live, the other in another state. Her daughter lives here. When my neighbor had her venous leg procedures done this year, she hardly got even a call from her. If it were not for myself, and another friend, I don't know who would have tended to my neighbor when she needed the assistance. In essence I feel that her two children are completely unconcerned about their mom.

But the son is having a big celebration for his 13 yr. old this Oct.
My neighbor's ability to walk has become quite compromised since her operation.
She's feeling vulnerable, would like to fly to their state for the celebration, however in her condition she has recently realized she won't be able to do this trip alone. If she flys there, her son and DIL, don't accommodate her in their home, she'd have to rent a hotel. I can't believe this! You'd think if they want grandma to attend this, they'd make it easy for her. So now, I'm hearing my neighbor say that she's going to talk to her daughter about going, but then get this! If the daughter would go, her mother would have to pay for her flight and hotel. I honestly don't understand this kind of thinking. All I can say is maybe that some TOUGH LOVE
is in order for many.

I'm keeping all of you in my thoughts,
Much Love & LIght! Margeaux

Sharynmarie - that is pretty insensitive about not even a card....I know - as my birthday rolled around and I didn't even get one from my daughter - yet when hers comes around she asks for a $300 gift! Really?
Not sure what is going on with her - they consider her at asst living having dementia as she had a frontal lobe stroke (aphasic etc) so maybe....hard to know - some things are clear as can be.
How did the homeowners find out the home was vacant?? Can you rent it out to a student or a relative? Are you in the same town? If not - you can say you stay there when you are caring for your mother. I am a realtor - and a good realtor should be able to hook you up with some different agencies to dispose of your mothers things. You would start with getting rid of the personal items - and items that family may want to have - then an estate sale - I wouldn't go with Craigslist unless there are some larger items that you want to sell. But you can put in Craigslist that there is an estate sale. After that point there are some agencies that will come take anything that can be sold (Goodwill etc). After they take what they can sell - then you can get a "got junk" haul away. It just takes some organization and time. If you do an estate sale - let your neighbors know when and maybe they can have one too - people like to go where there are a few homes that have them - just park and shop! Hope that helps....

Oh yes, "tough love", that is why we didn't co-sign a car loan for him nor have we given him any money since, however, he does still hurt us with his lack of contact. I was over it 2 days ago and I am ready to have an enjoyable, even if somewhat guarded visit with them.

It is a beautiful day out today, cool with the hint of autumn in the air, I love it!!

Sad1~I agree with what you say about the estate sale,etc, but sis doesn't want to have the estate sale due to her health issues. I think we will bring in more money for mom by having the estate sale as opposed to letting the agent set us up with someone who will buy everything we don't want. Maybe not. I am sure sis told the insurance out of naive innocence. I honestly would not have thought that the house being vacant would be an issue for the insurance. The agent said we will have no problem selling because it is in excellent condition, move in ready, the front and back yards are immaculate and beautiful...no garage...my parents converted it to a family room years ago and the neighborhood is good. Part of the garage was left for storage with built in cabinets, room for the washer/dryer a sink and a freezer. There is a walk in tool shed in the backyard. It is sis's call since she is primary on the DPOA and while I would like to have the estate sale, she can't help and I would need others to help with supervising people coming in the house so that nothing is stolen. Well gotta go lots to do!!

Sharynmarie - gotcha - sounds like you have a good agent - and they don't usually charge for this extra stuff - just have the connections that are good. Bummer about the insurance company forcing your hand in this...maybe just say you have a renter in there if you aren't ready to sell. So many homes are bank owned and empty - the insurance co get stuck with vandalism costs - must be cracking down on it. Must be hard to have to do a lot of the work and not have much say so...

good thing you didn't co-sign! hopefully he and his wife will come around - but good that you are guarded. still hurts tho...

Tonight I am feeling really guilty for not going to see my Mom in the NH which is so far away. My dh also has MCI and is acting up lately. I am still going to the physical therapist for the pain. She is helping quite a bit. I have lots of home exercises to do. Still unable to work anymore. Had a wonderful job, actually a dream job but had to leave it b/c of the pain and disablement. Monday going to the psychiatrist b/c of depression and insomnia. Pray that she can help me. Don't know when I will get to see Mom. POA hasn't said anything snotty lately, PTL. Its something to write in the gratitude journal, no snotty emails. Called Mom on Monday and she was almost out of it. We have perfectly good NHs here but POA had to put her 150 miles away. The roads are bad to get there and narrow roads, but lots of traffic. Meanwhile I am still in pain and husband's disease is progressing.

Well, my bubble has been burst once again and I know I said I was over it..but I didn't except my son to not show up at all. Yes thats right, they are in Salinas most likely for the night and I don't plan on making myself available to him at all if he does show up. All he told me was that he was driving 101 instead of I-5 and just taking the scenic route. I will not text him again and possibly forever...because one thing my son does not know about me...when I get hurt bad enough...I cut you out of my life to protect myself from further hurt. I hope he is happy and I wish them the best.

Sharynmarie As one friend to another " that little shit", I know exactly how you are feeling now and you need a hug! As much as I would want to blame his wife, I know he's a grown man.

I would take time to calm down then I would write him a letter telling him how hurt you are. That way you can express yourself without getting all your emotions jumbled up.
Hugs....

(((((((((((((sharyn))))))))) I am so sorry. Your son had made some bad choices. My oldest did something like that to me years ago and I felt like disowning him. Fortunately we got past it and are good now. I agree with assandache - let him know how you feel about his behaviour, You have reached out to him again and again. There comes a time...
Hope you get the house stuff sorted. Here it is the same. They won't insure if it is empty for long, I appreciate what you wrote about being POA. It should be an offense to not use the money for the individual's care.I looked it up here online and found out it is not that easy to drop POA. Ouch!
(((((((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))
brandy - please let the guilt go. You have so much to cope with, and have to look after you. Glad you have had no snotty emails recently. When my sis does that I let her know in no uncertain terms that what she has written is unacceptable and then I cut communication with her for a while -a long while. It is called "self protection". You can only do what you can do.
Margeaux - glad you and hubby are pretty well recovered. I have decided not to share financial info other than in general. I can see nothing in POA documents that requires it. It was my friends hubby - he died before age 60 from esophageal cancer. Nothing they tried to do to help him worked and several things backfired and caused him problems. He was very young and lived only about 2 years after diagnosis, but said he could not carry on as he was. You mentioned absentee children, Well, from another point of view, I could be considered one of those, as I do not see my mother that much, due to her mental illness. It is just too hard on me. I wonder if your friend's daughter/son has any similar issues. To me, if the mother can afford travel expenses she should pay them, if not family should chip in -just my opinion. My mother is very well set up financially, yet still asked us for money to pay for this and that - just in case. For now she seems to have stopped that. Is your friends daughter much better off financially than her mother? My mother gives a "sob story" about family to anyone who will listen, but only gives her side of it. She also states that I am financially better off than both her and my sis. I am not so sure that is true or where she got her information from. Something to think about.
sad1 - I wouldn't give out to a daughter who behaves like that. I do get phone calls/messages from my sons for special days and my daughter gives me a modest gift which is fine with me. I really don't need any more "stuff". We can't let our mum's antics drive our emotions and our lives. That being said -it isn't easy.
glad -how's your mum? Is the treatment helping? I think you might have a case if you can prove that your POA sis is not using mum's finds for her welfare to the extent that she needs. Especially if there are things your mother needs and is not getting. You would have to document this before contacting a lawyer to see if you have a case. You may find someone who has done this by searching on the internet.
cmag -it sure looks like your mum is declining. I wouldn't worry too much about explaining things to your step dad. His son can take that on. Glad your wife is recovering. The case of sharyn's aunt on a feeding tube for years is a bit scary. I would not want that for a loved one.
book ((((((((hugs))))))) wow you shared a lot. I remember some of those feelings, They can be worked through though the process can be scary at times. Baby steps are a good idea. You have had a lot and you still do have a lot to deal with. You are a very strong woman ((((((((hugs))))))
jackyorrick - come back and vent any time. Sounds like you have quit a difficult situation. Glad you are sticking up for yourself.
standingalone -what a sad situation your ex bf keeps himself in. I do understand that it was depressing and that you cut off the "Woe is me" and the living together - not good for you. Life is hard enough anyway.
pstiegman - parents may act differently with others than with their own children. It sounds like you have sent her some firm messages and set some boundaries. Unfortunately that may be harder for her offspring due to the "training" they received as children, but they can learn to.
Austin - always glad to see you sharing your experiences
Alison - how are things going? It is a continual balancing act, I find.
anyone else - hi and let us know how you are.
here things are reasonably quiet, other than mother called to see it I had written a couple of small cheques. I assured her not, in fact I don't have any cheques, and that I would check it out at the bank. Meanwhile she went to the bank and found out that she had written them for her grocery shopper, which is what I suspected. I am still tired and needing to sleep most days in the daytime as well as night and think that is due in part to the concussion and in part due to sinus problems/infection I have had all August and into September. Looks like I am finally getting that sorted. Hopefully more energy will return.

Love and hugs to everyone Joan

ooops -juju -meant to ask how you and mum are. You have been going through quite an ordeal. I hope the insurance is stepping up to the plate, and that you have plans for returning home soon. ((((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))

Emjo,

When I wrote about absentee children, well I'm included here also.
I understand. I was really talking of a more serious variety. It's the one where a loved one is ill, or has gone through a surgery like my neighbor did. Since it had to do w/her legs, and she had two venous procedures done, it really compromised her ability to walk. Healing has been really slow. Her daughter not so much as called her during the crux of it all. I and another friend helped her out. This to me is more like willful negligence. Finally, the daughter made a re-appearance, I think it was for mother's day. I kind of felt like that meeting happened, since her mom egged the daughter on, so they'd celebrate mom's day together. The daughter never goes out of her way.

Her daughter is o.k. financially speaking. But at this time, I doubt my neighbor really has this kind of money, so this would be a stretch for her. I'd heard about, and witnessed top much on the negative side by her daughter's behavior, so I don't understand why her mother would want to take her, I mean I get the part not traveling solo. Hey, that's my neighbor's business. Of course, I never say anything, e.g., my true feelings about any of this.

Her son too, he lives in NY. Hardly ever calls or emails her, even throughout all of the convalescence. Yet, he and his family were in town during the holidays, but instead of staying at his mom's place (she offered, too) his family rented a hotel. His visit was really more about gathering with his friends, didn't spend a lot of time w/the mom. But, she has a storage and has stored a Fender guitar, for over 20 yrs., for this 46 yr. old son. He wanted to take it back w/him to NY, and oh boy, did he throw a little hissy fit, when his mom couldn't find it amidst her stuff in the storage. Instead of his mother ignoring the hissy fit, she fed into it.
This is where I think sometimes parents have the option of getting real w/their grown adult children. But I understand the other side, many times they don't want to take a strong stand, because they probably fear they'll completely be isolated from them, or they rarely see them, now this. It's all part of the emotional detachment. Let's remember those golden words, and concepts.

O.K., Emjo, hope your on your way back to feeling much better!
Much Love & LIght! Margeaux

Emjo - glad to see you posting again - you hit that noggin pretty hard! Plus the sinuses....glad your back. I meant to say about sharing financial info with others if you are the POA - I would not - I am the POA and have no intention of telling my brother anything - he for one has not asked - and 2nd - if he knew how much she had - he (and his piece of work wife) would hound me. Don't need it. That is why you are the POA - to be in charge...

Sharynmarie- so sorry to hear you son made this choice....I too agree a letter and a calmer time to let him know how much he has hurt you would be in order - especially if this is recurring. I have cut my daughter some slack - maybe a mistake - because she is going through a messy divorce - and have in the past when we are together - I do tell her how I feel about some of her treatment towards me. There was a time when I saw her number show up when she called - I just picked it up and said "What is it you need?" She got the message. The unfortunate thing with her- she gets so self absorbed that she forgets easily...her brothers bad vib her all the time - then she gets it...and is good for a short time. Maybe a bit of narcissism in here too....she does have a lot of my mothers traits. Make some nice plans this weekend with friends - or do some shopping therapy - or get a massage or pedi - and if he does call - you have plans. Sometimes I think we are just too available.

Hugs to all -

Karen

As you all know by now, I am in a dys family. My niece is getting married soon. My sister informed me that I am not to speak to my niece's in-laws at the wedding or the reception. I am to leave them completely alone and act as if I just a guest. They are coming from Houston and reportedly quite wealthy so I am to steer clear of them. What would you say if she said this to you? I just said oh, being the patsy that I am. Just wondering what most people would say. Don't know if my mother will get to come to the wedding, probably not. Just asking your opinion.

Brandy, I think that is one heck of a lot of nerve! And I would not start a confrontation with sis about it, but I would make sure I spoke to anyone I care to. They may start a conversation with you, sis would be wacky to expect you to walk away. Go,have a good time and talk to anyone you want! Absurd!

everyone thanks for question about my mom. She was diagnosed at doc's office on Wednesday with a UTI and possible upper respiratory track infection. Went to get script, then got home ready to fox dinner, and mom hit the wall again, badly garbled speech, couldn't walk. I decided it must be a stroke, but no, doc said maybe a mini stroke. Called 911, she was in hospital for two days. Scary stuff. The most amazing thing POA sis didn't come to hospital at all to see mom. Astounding! And she thinks she is operating in my moms best interest?! Other sis stopped by for 30 minutes or so. And they both have this incredible sense of entitlement.

and she only lives about 8 miles from the hospital-

Some people have all the nerve. What is the matter with people nowadays?

I want to thank everyone for the hugs here on this thread and on my private wall. My son and dil finally showed up after 11 pm last night. O needed to calm myself down before responding. I will share more tomorrow when I can access my computer. We did have lunch today bit didn't get to visit mom because my son had one of his migrane type headaches(usually brought one because he hasn't eaten 3 meals) and only going to sleep gets rid of it. There is something my son is carrying on his shoulders that I can see by his face when he talks about that he is hurting....more tomorrow and I will catch up. Thanks again and hus to everyone.

Cmagnum,

I am sorry to hear about your mom's current condition.
You are not at all being morbid.

How has your wife been recovering from her hernia surgery, I hope well.
Hang in there Cmag, and you and your's are in my thoughts!

Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Gladimhere,

I'm very sorry to hear about this mini stroke your mom had.
I know when mother was having a UTI, before they discovered she was having gall bladder problems, she was really sleeping way too much. My guess is that any time the body has to direct it's energy towards healing an infection, especially for an elder it wipes the body out, hence the sleeping.

Even in my husband's case, poor guy....while he had the catheter in for about 10 days, I know his body was on high alert because he had this instrument placed in him. After it was removed, he started to feel a bit more of the discomfort from the surgery, and felt exhausted. He's impatient, so that didn't help. When he'd tell me he was tired, I just kept telling him to sleep.

O.K., Glad...take care of yourself, I'll re-read some of the other things you've posted about the siblings.
You and yours are in my thoughts!
Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Hi Margeaux,

My wife is still recovering from her hernia surgery with about 3 more weeks eating rather soft food, except she can now eat broiled fish and boiled chicken.

I'm working on loosing some much needed weight by diet and exercise which now includes weight lifting.

Take care.

Brandywine,

Your sister is too much! I totally agree w/Gladimhere.
Go and enjoy the wedding, and talk to any one you want to,
don't go with the attitude that she's the police.

Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Sharynmarie,

I'm really happy to hear you were able to have lunch with your son.
Hope it went smoothly for you.

Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Margeaux, if your neighbor does decide to travel by air, please recommend that she visits her doctor that it’s okay for her. Have her ask the doctor specifically about Deep Vein Thrombosis. When I had my hysterectomy in Hawaii, and 10 days later, I flew back home, I had this severe pain run from my pelvis down to both my legs. Throughout the whole flight, my legs were in severe pain. Any surgery dealing with lower abdominal and down are very good candidates of DVT. She may need to get compression socks for her if she does decide to fly.

Brandy – if seeing your mom is close to impossible, then why don’t you just make it a routine to call your mom weekly? Set it as a schedule so that she knows you will be calling and is something to look forward to? My father used to like calling all his siblings on the phone. Yes, he preferred that they visit him but like my siblings, HIS siblings also avoid him. =) … I would go to the wedding and just enjoy myself. If people talk to you, then respond. I’d also not sit where my sister is sitting. I’d hate to be in the same table with her and have her keep monitoring all my actions. You would definitely not enjoy yourself at all…especially when she keeps giving you “the eye”.

Emjo, yeah, it would be best not to reveal too much on your mom’s financial situation. ….// Sorry that I shared so much here. I didn’t know if my post fell under Caregiver how are YOU? or if it fell under the Dysfunction Family. I swear I’m not OCD but sometimes, I think I over compartmentalize my life. I finally figured it fell under DYS. And it was sheer exhaustion continually fighting therapy, myself and the assignments. I was sooo unhappy and getting mad left and right.

Therapy was sooooo frustrating for me. Hence my decision to quit and wing it on my own. I finally sent several emails to my therapist who did not read it at all until the day of therapy when I called to say that I’m not coming and if she read my emails. She read it and then called me up. She was soooo happy that I was angry all the time. She wanted to meet me that day. Seems she was afraid that I will be stuffing the anger back in. She was right. We discussed a lot of things and I am now Adding more details in our conversations. She, too, is learning that when I said that I’m a perfectionist, that I really mean it. We finally figured out why her assignments were stressing me so much. I was trying to do everything like THAT (snap of a finger) and to do it perfectly. Anyway, after our talk, she has decided that we will start small. And I need to do it in my pace and to let her know if I have a problem with these exercises.

I am just sooooo glad that I emailed her those letters. She told me that she got a wealth of information on my emails and how I progressively added to each email. She now has an idea of how I think. That emailing was our breakthrough in our therapy sessions. She now knows how to question me to get the answers she needs.

I just wanted to thank you all for helping me…just for be being here for me. Because I came out of this last session NOT stressing and dreading the Next therapy session – I think we’re heading in the right direction. She said that confronting people is too far off for me right now. We will work on me – like I had stated on my previous post here. Thank you, all of you. {{HUGS}} Book

Brandy~I would not let my sister intimidate me by telling me not to speak to certain people. You already know it's wrong just by asking what we think about, so trust your inner gut and go to the wedding and enjoy talking to who ever you please. Your sister most probably will not confront you at the wedding/reception but may follow up with a phone call after....you don't have to answer the phone, let her leave a message then delete it.
Glad~I am sorry to hear your mother had a mini stroke but I am glad that she has received antibiotics for the UTI and other infection. Take care of yourself too.
Joan~I understand and support your decision not to share info regarding your mom's finances. My sis offered to sent my copies of statements and I told her it wasn't necessary that I trust you. I do admit that in the beginning of the year I had some doubts because of the situation with mom's insurance, but I was not understanding it completely. I am over that, I don't want to deal with mom's financials. I know I would be even more overwhelmed than sis has been. If a sibling wants to pick things apart they will find something even if you are sending copies of the statements. I just file the statements away my sis sends, I don't even look at them. To be honest, if I did look at them, then I could start questioning this or that and since sis is better at this than me, I will stick with doing what I am better at doing than she.

Thank you all for all the hugs and words of support. I have had some time to get my perspective back to a logical view instead of running on emotions. Yes, I am disappointed with my son not communication to me forthright about their plans. It tends to be more hurtful that way than if he would just say "Hey, we are taking the long way there so we can stop at a friends home in Salinas to visit, have dinner and we will arrive late." I can handle that, it is disappointing but not hurtful. They did arrive after 11pm, we talked for maybe 10 minutes and they wanted to go to bed. I went to the kitchen and my son came out shortly after. We talked some more when he said, I have something to tell you but I will wait until tomorrow. I said, Ok, but now that you brought it up, it is hard to wait until tomorrow but I respect that. He said, Well, I should just tell you, but don't tell anyone else, I will tell others when I am more up to it. He said that they have been trying to get pregnant for 3 years with no luck. So dil went to a specialist. She has been told that the chances of her conceiving a child is very slim. Apparently her ovaries are not producing often enough due to a hormonal imbalance regarding progesterone. This imbalance is what has caused her to become rather obese. My dil told me on Friday that her mother and maternal grandmother had the same issue and were told they would most likely never conceive a child. My son seems to be genuinely grieved over this, my dil seems to blow it off (she is not my daughter so keeps her inner feeling to herself), but she remains hopeful. To be honest, we knew this was a possibility from the beginning because my dil told me a few years ago that she does not ovulate regularly and many months can go by without ovulating. I had hoped that if she lost weight that may change, but according to what she has been told by the specialist...No. Anyway, it is what it is and I am ok with it...sorry for them but hopeful it may happen anyway just like it did for her mother and grandmother. After talking with my son and dil, I realized they had no clue that their lack of communication is hurtful. Because I had time to collect my emotions, doing some reflection on past incidents that were similar, I decided that the best course of action is to keep communication open with my son ( realizing how he communicates) and work on improving that. I decided this based on my experience with my own mil who also had communication issues with my husband. My mil chose to target me, make me responsible for it claiming her son was not like that before....heavy load for a young woman to carry!! Instead, I have decided that I will work to improve my communication with my son asking for more info, not target my dil because I don't want to destroy any chance of a relationship with her like my mil did with me. I am still disappointed that I did not get the time with them that I would have liked, but we did get to have lunch together yesterday, go by mom's house so my son could sort out tools to make a tool box out of my dads tools. Today we went to see mom!!! Mom was in her room, I knocked on the door opening it slowly peeking in, Hi mom!! She saw me saying what are doing here? I said I came to visit and I have a couple visitors with me. I opened the door all the way, she did not know who my son was until I said, "This is your grandson Jared, you remember Jared! Instant recognition for her. I said this is Jared's wife Kecia, you remember Kecia. She hugged them both saying it has been a long time since I saw you both. All was good, but was bittersweet because I could see on my son's face that he could not believe the change in mom since he last saw her during Christmas of 2011. i have been weeping on and off all day since. We stayed about an hour, I got a list of needed supplies. I introduced my son and dil to a couple of the caregivers and Leo, the resident dog!!! We took mom out for a short walk around the community. It was a nice visit overall!! My dil was wearing a royal blue shirt which is the color of shirt for employees to wear and at one point mom asked her if she worked there, LOL!! Thanks again everyone, I really appreciate your support, kind words!! Hugs to everyone!!

Sharynmarie it's seems you are on the right track. Best of luck to you, Jared and Kecia...

I'm trying to do one of my assignments from therapy. I'm a literal person. I cannot visualize a picture in my head and See it. I have Googled that phrase but keep getting infants inside the womb. I am to: Baby the child within.

How does one baby a child within? What child? Am I suppose to think of my childhood and comfort my terrorized 4 year old self? Or the elementary memory of asking God why He made me be born? Or does this phrase mean something totally different?

It's okay. I found the right phrase to Google: self help - inner child within.