The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Sharyn-
So happy you were able to spend time with your son and dil. I know exactly what they are going through, went through it myself. When you want a child, it is absolutely devastating to not be able to conceive. Thankfully, after two years of treatment I finally had my second daughter and a son 18 months later. But, I had shut down communication with many family members, it is easier than having to go through the conversations of not being pregnant again. Your dil may be going through the same thing. The only suggestion I have is that you have to let dil and son begin these conversations and definitely, most definitely, do not ask them about it. They will tell you whatever they are comfortable talking about.

It is great you all saw your mom! My mom as well, has no idea who her grandchildren are any longer, and doesn't remember, and of course doesn't recognize her great grandchildren even though they visit every 2-3 months. But mom has always loved little kids and loves their visits. On a lighter note, I'm waiting for the day that a parent in a store calls the authorities on my mom because she loves to touch any child she sees. I of course try to stop her from doing it, sometimes with more success than others.

I am sure the parents do not mind her touching the children all you can do is appoligize if it bothers the parents-most of the time parents are so proud of their little ones they do not mind.

Glad-Thank you. I think in my mom's mind she is younger. She told my son you have grown since I saw you.

I just wanted to take a minute and type up a post. I'm reading, and sending hugs and good thoughts. I've been displaced from my home (my father's house) due to a recently discovered mold problem. I'd been trying to get some help from my father's trust to get HVAC ducts cleaned out, the Trust ended up sending someone out to do air quality testing, and the mold problem was discovered by environmental testing company. It's Literally "off the charts." I looked through the 10-page report and the company's machines only do readings up to so many hundreds of spores/particles... what they found in the house literally capped their meters. It makes me wonder if that hasn't complicated my dad's respiratory issues (he has COPD and is a smoker), but right now, I'm just so glad they discovered this hidden problem. I know, in the 2 years I've lived there, I've been more ill than ever before, and I always chalked it up to things like stress, the climate change, the dust...

Anyhoo, so I'm dealing with being displaced until mold remediation work can be completed, and as of right now, no contractor has even been hired yet. This is going to take awhile. I'm using the time away from home to look for a senior's apartment in Indianapolis for my dad. I've got a couple of places picked out to look at tomorrow.

Just wanted you all to know I'm "lurking" (like emjo said, lol!), and reading, and sympathizing. Hope everyone has a good week!

Sharyn, I'm so glad that you will maintain your relationship with the son and not put any undue pressure on him to grow up.

Glad - at least your mom doesn't hurt them. That's good so that you can still take her on outings. My mom was violent. When baby sis came back home to visit, she had her 2 small girls (under age 6). Mom couldn't walk by herself. But once she grabbed you, it was a very tight grip. She grabbed one of the girls by the wrist as she passed mom. I could see mom squeezing so hard and my niece whimpered in pain. I had to literally open one finger at a time to release her hold. Afterwards, I had a talk with my little niece. I asked her if she remembered us playing tag? She nodded. Then I told her that we need to do that too with Grandma. Don't let Grandma grab you. After that, the girls would pass mom and automatically dodge away when mom's hand tried to grab them. They didn't even act scared or anything.

ABB, glad to see you. I missed seeing you. Thanks for letting us know what's up in your life.

Book, what a great idea to liken the grabbing to tag, without frightening the children.

To Emjo and others who know me from other discussions--it has been less than 2 wks. since my mother from whom I am estranged died at 92. This has been a mixed bag of emotions but the one that surfaces most, even above the weird feeling of NOT having tears shed for someone who clearly did not fit the quintessential description of a nurturing mother, is that I have finally at the age of 65 gotten a sense of freedom. Freedom from thought, freedom from hurt feelings, freedom from anger, freedom from low esteem, and the list goes on and on. This weekend I had a good heart to heart chat with my dear husband whose family is probably one of the few who had zero dysfunction (they were the "Ozzie and Harriet" family on the block) and I asked him his feelings about me, his wife, not having any remorse or feelings of guilt or sadness and his answer surprised me a little. First he said he was proud of me for having the courage of my convictions because when we became 'formally' estranged more than a year ago, his only question was "how will you feel when/if she dies?" and secondly he commended me for not being a hypocrite. How can I miss something I've never had? I've grieved for years because the nagging memories of an extremely volatile and unhappy childhood caused by this woman are etched indelibly in my memory, grieved for the kind of upbringing that I didn't have and that I grew up thinking that I did not deserve. Brought up knowing that my conception was a "mistake" which was laughed off as a joke. Brought up not being able to socialize or have further education, and her never passing up a chance to embarrass me if the opportunity presented itself. I have a little movie running in my brain of the past 60 yrs. (yes, I can remember that far back) of my wedding day in the 60s, when we made our receiving line, assembled at the back of the church, when she saw a small window of opportunity to stand next to me and say 'well, hope you're happy, you got what you wanted' (she detested my first husband) and a photographer snapping a pic of that precise moment and the look on my face! I asked my husband how he felt about her death because he is such a loving, good man that I wondered what memories he had of her--and he reminded me of how shabbily she treated us when we were forced to temporarily move into her house (3 of us and a golden retriever!) because there was a rape in the unit beneath ours and despite how distraught and upset we were, she made us feel like we were intruders. No comfort, no coddling, just coldness and 'when can you all leave?' attitude. This, from a mother? I remember as a kid hearing friends' moms refer to them as "honey" or "sweetheart" and I used to think how great it would be to be called that occasionally. I was a good kid, never gave my parents a moment's trouble or stress. My older brother also estranged from her is the only person who lived it along with me, and we together to this day are as close as can be...but our mother did her level best to turn me against him and his wife. So, do I feel badly that a 92 yr. old woman who made life miserable for everyone with whom she came in contact died a death that most of us would envy? A life free of serious medical conditions, no stroke, no dementia or alzheimers and faculties intact-died after a few days of not feeling well, and a death in her sleep, without pain. She was a fortunate woman who lived an unfortunate life, in that she alienated and infuriated. I've let the lovely and dear friends and family that surround me that there is no need for sympathy, as my grieving can finally end. Having this board to allow me to vent my feelings is beyond wonderful. And as Ladee says above, be true to yourself - and when you know you went far above and beyond to do right for your parents and give perhaps even more than they deserve, hold your head up high and know that you tried your very best and, when they are gone, remember an adage I learned from someone many years ago and that is "guilt is a wasted emotion." How true! I can breathe.

Hi Punch, as I read your words, it brought back memories of my childhood, the caregiving role I did with mom and now doing for father, and mom’s death in March. My childhood was so bad that I have not much memories of it. I still though it was “normal”. The life I see in TV like Brady Bunch was a “I wish our family was like that.” But I knew it was fake. This is the normal life. At age 23, I did Not want to stay home and help father with mom. In the years since then, I’ve asked over and over for my siblings to help. I’ve cried, and cursed at everyone into the night air. I turned my back against God in that I stopped going to my religious meetings and praying to him. I called out to help (therapist told me to ask for their help even though I told him they won’t help. He insisted because I was past exhaustion and heading towards a breakdown.). I told them the situation – die killing myself from exhaustion or land in the hospital with worse health. Nothing happened. // When mom died in March, I felt that I was damaged goods or a bad daughter because I had no sadness within me. I was soooo relieved of her death. Yet to say it would make me look bad. So, I kept it all within me. My sister got angry when someone said that mom was a burden. She said that mom wasn’t a burden. Of COURSE mom wasn’t a burden. She wasn’t here 24hrs a day getting up during the nights to suction mom, to change her pampers 3 x a day, to suction her throughout the day. To come to lunch and try to change 2 bedridden parents pampers and not choke my lunch because I was swallowing it fast in gulps because my lunch hour is up. Where you can’t even stay too long in the bedroom or shower because she can choke on her phlegm. Of Course Mom was not a burden – for her!!!

Punch, I just wanted to say that you have more courage than I am to state this. I think it in my mind but I would not say it aloud. Kudos to you! {{HUGS}} Book

Punch~I know the sorrow of a childhood filled with abuse, violence,etc. I think it is wonderful that you and your brother have maintained a great relationship. My eldest brother is estranged by his choice, so my sister, my other brother and I have no real contact with him. At most I send an email at Christmas time updating him on our mother (she is in memory care) who was the abuser.I am happy you are finding freedom within yourself now. Isn't strange how we grieve most of our adult life for love and acceptance from the person who gave birth to us? You have great courage and strength and may you continue to find peace, Hugs to you!!

to everyone out there...punch, and sharynmarie and bookluvr..and everyone..if i miss anyone..i've had brain surgery....i can't remember...i share your pain...you all share so beautifully...so honestly...and i think hypocrisy is lying...and at least ...someday...we all will face our judge...when i went to visit my father and he turned his back...i stopped going...to see him...i felt free...i tried to go back..he spewed the usual hate and venom...the same my siblings started to write to me...now ...i have put them where they all belong...blocked...i am no longer undercondemnation...i have tried my best; live a good life; taken care of my parents...and i give up...may you all find peace and comfort...and know love...with hugs marylee

Marylee~Sometimes we come to a point where we have to stop!! By the way, I am I hope you are recovering from your surgery, I know it takes time.My sister is hesitant to visit our mom for the same reasons you stated. Take care of yourself and come back to post more!! Hugs to you!

Alison~I am glad you found the mold issue and can get it corrected. Mold has be known to cause many health issues in a home. I hope the brother you are staying with is not the same one who berates you. Please take care of yourself and let us know how you are doing. Big hugs!!

Joan~How are things going with your mother? Is she still in the hospital? How are you doing?
Margeaux~How is your mother? How are you and hubby doing?
Cmag~any updates on your mother, your wife...how is the weight loss?
Glad~I hope you are well, let us know how things are going!
Sad1~any changes with your mom? How are you holding up?

I have been thinking about all of you. Hugs!!

My son and dil have left for home. It is always hard to see them leave, our time together was short but their concept of time is different than mine and hubby's. Dil is very laid back...no worries no hurry...even though they left my house around 2pm today, they did not leave town until almost 4pm. It is now 11pm and they are not home yet.I laugh because hubby and I are more time scheduled and we plan to leave Idaho on Friday Sept. 20th to come home. That gives us 2 days to catch up laundry and just relax before going back to work...my son and dil have to be back at work late tomorrow afternoon.

When I got home for work last night, I noticed Tiger did not come in to eat. i was busy visiting with my son, we took Midget for a walk and stayed up till 1am. When I woke up this morning, my first thought was that Tiger did not come in last night. I went in the yard calling for him on and off all morning and afternoon, he was nowhere around. I have been very worried. After work tonight, I called for him again and he finally came out of the bush in the backyard. He has a wound between his front legs. I hope it is not an abscess but will take him to the vet tomorrow. He ate good but does not want to stay in the house. I am keeping him in anyway. He is going to have to adjust to the dog regardless even if it means I make him strictly an indoor cat. He stays in the yard during the day, but cats are nocturnal and tend to wander at night and that is where they get into trouble. Hopefully I can get this under control before we leave for Idaho on Sunday. My poor Tiger Kitty!!

Marylee , I understand the giving up. You have tried and tried ..and just getting nowhere with him. As long as YOU know you have done your best and can walk away with no guilt, then so be it. No condemnation from me. Maybe a wee bit envious of you but…. we each have our own road to walk on. May you also continue to find peace and comfort and love from this day forward. {{HUGS}} Book

Sharyn, I hope you enjoy your Idaho trip. Poor Tiger Kitty STILL hasn’t accepted Midget yet? You may need to Google on how to get a cat to accept a dog. I’m sure there must be something on that in the animal world of pets.

warren eckstein..is a behaviorist..and has groups that will answer questions...dog and cats can be good friends...i think it's a process...don't know if i'm allowed to say this...they have a good forum for pet questions...thanks for all the positive support...my blessings to all of you...as we continue on our journeys.. marylee

Sharyn, the bro I'm staying with... YES, same one. BUT, like I told book, I'm using my several weeks here to really try to take a detached look at him - as a man - and figure out what his triggers are when it comes to me. I actually think I'm figuring some of them out! Bro works pretty much all the time, and I rarely interact with him, and he ignores me and doesn't seek to interact with me anyway. He has a big house, so there's room to be away from "his space", and I'm bunking in 8 yr old niece's room (and she is lots of fun!), and SIL and I are getting along well... in fact, our relationship is deepening, and we are able to communicate about my bro, my mom, and SIL is very good for giving me insight to both of them.

At some point during this trip to bro's, he and I will undoubtedly have disagreement. I'm learning to let it roll off of me, and move away. His massive ego has always been something I've seen as a quality in him I MUST challenge, that it was the RIGHT thing to do, when he is rude and condescending (which he is, every single day), to tell him what a creep he is... Now, I couldn't care less. Let him be a creep. To me, to anyone... I'm not my brother's judge anymore.

I'm not saying I stay perfectly centered inside this detached frame of mind... but when I am there, I'm truly happiest. My mind doesn't ruminate on past conflicts, or worry about future conflicts. When I catch myself doing what I call "pretend arguments" with bro inside my head, I just laugh it off now and move on.

I think it is different with parent/child relationships. I know that, for me, my bad relationship with mom is bigger source of hurt than bad relationship with bro. I'm finding its easier to do detachment with sibling. And male sibling at that. So, really, who cares if bro is a bit of a egocentric boor? He's good enough to give me and dad a place to stay, and feed us, for weeks.

So thats where I'm at with relationship with older bro. And its a good place.

And SORRY these last couple of posts are all about me!!! I've been reading, just have been feeling a bit insecure in my own relationships, and life, and feeling very much like I don't have advice or insight to offer. Life is very humbling for me lately, and I find I'm questioning damn near everything...

Hope everyone is having a good week? Its only Tuesday, still time to turn things around if you're off to a not-so-great start, lol! (((hugs))) to all, thank you for being such wonderful friends, I treasure you!

Sharyn, I know the feeling about time. When I go the big city, I like to leave about 6:30 am. My friends want to leave at 9:30 am. I like to leave the city about 2 and get home about 4 so that I am not driving in the dark. 9:30 is way too late.

Marylee~Thanks for the info on dogs and cats. My Tiger has been acclimated to other cats, but we had a Siamese mix who was very neurotic and he would attack Tiger when he first came to live with us. Tiger is not a fighter, he is like a big kitten, wants to play all the time. I had to put Simon (the Siamese) down in 2010 so Tiger has had 3 years without exposure to another animal. He has always been an indoor/outdoor cat, staying in the house at night and daytime during the winter. I couldn't get him to the vet today...appointment for tomorrow. I am hoping they will not have to lance the wound and put a drain tube in because if they do, I won't be able to go to Idaho. I don't want to dump medication and post-op care on my bil who is willing to come by and feed him for me while we are gone. My daughter will be very disappointed if I can't go and I don't know if hubby will go (at least for a 5 days) without me. My husband is a great guy, but he distanced himself from the kids (that is what he was taught), so for him to be there 5 days just hanging with our daughter., maybe uncomfortable for both of them. He may go for a 3 day weekend stint at the most. I haven't even brought this up with hubby yet, he is the eternal optimist. I am going on past experience with a cat with an abscessed wound. I am rambling I know, but i can't figure out how he got this wound in its location. It is not typical of a cat fight which would result in a claw wound around the head, tail or sides of his tummy. I hope he can adjust to being indoors and my hope is that by forcing him to stay indoors
for a few months, he will become more accepting of the dogs presence then i could start letting him out again as long as he stays in at night like he did before.

Brandywine~I have noticed that the younger people seem to prefer not living by the early rising as we have been taught. When they get together with friends in the evenings, their gatherings often do not start until 9:30-10pm. I like to take photos of nature so I prefer to go on outings early so I can get to my destination at sunrise. Even though hubby is an early riser, he does not like having to get up at 3:30-4:00 am on a day off so we can get to San Francisco for a sunrise photo shoot of the Golden Gate Bridge, LOL!!! Nor does he want to stay late enough so I can can get a sunset photo shot of the Golden Gate Bridge. I can't blame him, the traffic is heavy later in the day in the city. Yes we middle aged folks are much more time scheduled, however, my dil does get this from her mother, both cannot get anywhere on time. They got mad at me on year during Christmas when her mother was up here...dil wanted to include her in our Christmas dinner. I have no problem adding more people to our dinner table...I love doing that...however, I did tell dil and son that dinner would be at 4 pm. no later so be on time because my mom and sister do not like to drive after dark. I am "old school", when you are invited to join others...be respectful of the time they have given to you.

Alison~I am happy you have found a way to work around your brother. I sounds good in dealing with him. I know you are grateful he has allowed you and your father come there until the mold issue is resolved. If I were in your situation I would do the same thing. Keep taking care of you and let us know how the mold situation is coming along!!

Long winded I know, LOL!! Like I said above, I can't get Tiger in until tomorrow. He seems to be doing ok, eating good so the infection is not in his blood stream. I have blocked off the doggie door with some heavy items so he can't push them out of the way. Bridgette goes to the groomers tomorrow morning and Tiger to the vet at 2:30, me to work at 5pm. I have not had a day off since Sept. 2nd. Will be working through Friday. Yes even with 4-5 hour shifts, I am tired.
Hugs to everyone, hoping your week is good!!

Well, I talked with hubby about what may be in store for Tiger. He said...ABSOLUTELY NOT SPENDING $450 for surgery on a cat!!! He always gets likes this...I know pet care is expensive and our cats have always lived to be around 18 years old...Tiger is only 10 years old. I don't want to put him down if he can be healthy for another 8 years. I told him I can put it on my personal charge card...,meaning he wont be paying for it, I will, he just walked off shaking his head. I suck at these types of decisions!!

Good Morning everyone, I have been mentally and physically overwhelmed and not even able to check in very much lately...doing ok, had to put cat down yesterday, one of the hardest things I've done, been a basket case since decided Saturday had to be done...been one problem after another round here I could write couple pages but I wont....hanging in there but this has been tough headed home very soon which will be the best thing even amid the rebuild, it is too hard trying to get stuff done with mom, at this hotel. I am hanging by a thread, sure pushed to my limits lately...home will be a good thing! I cant be very productive here!

Hope you all are doing ok! I will try to catch up when I can!
My love n support to you XOXO~
Peace,
Juju

Hi Juju~I am sorry about your kitty. I have had to put down a couple cats, one in 2005, another in 2010. It is never easy to do. Max, the cat I put down in 2005, was my baby, I loved that cat so much....I still dream about him from time to time. Now Tiger is my baby, his personality is similar to Max, very loving and gentle.

Tiger will undergo a wound clean tomorrow. It is in a bad spot because he lays on it which gets whatever he lays on in the wound.

Hubby and daughter can't postpone their vacas for 2-3 weeks so hubby will still be going to Idaho and I will home to take care of my kitty, oh well!!

Hugs to all. I am living with and taking care of my mother, and it is not easy. I have a brother who has been living with her for the past decade. I am disabled and on a fixed income, my brother has no income or no desire to create income, as my mother pays for everything for him. My mom has been showing signs of dementia, and is mean and paranoid. I need to know how to go about getting POA and/or guardianship/conservatorship. She has been talking about giving POA to my brother , I love him dearly but he is one of the laziest, most irresponsible people I know, so not a good choice to be in charge of being responsible for someone. I need to do something soon, but don't know how to go about it. Any suggestions?

Cholena I think I would tell her if she gives POA to your brother who does nothing for her -I might tell her then he can take care of her and you will stop doing all you are doing for her and threaten to leave-even if you have to go into a shelter or rent a room for a few weeks until bro gets wise. Some offices of the aging have lawyers who donate their time for a few hours a week or connect legal aide to get advice. If your brother finds himself caring for her he will run so fast away from the POA and then she will have to give it to you.

Hi Cholena...Guardianship will be difficult. Your mom needs to be declared by her doctor as having dementia and is incompetent of making decisions in her life and unable to care for herself. MOST doctors will Not do this. Especially since your mom is just starting. After doc declares her incompetent, you need a lawyer to process the guardianship and go through court.

POA is very easily changeable. If your mom gives you POA, your bro can persuade her to change it to him - without having to let you know until it's a done deal.

I like Austin's advice. FYI, I have read over and over on this site when one sibling has POA (living in another residence) while the main caregiver lives with the parent struggling to make ends meet - financially and around the appointments, etc... while the one holding the POA and purse strings refuse to do their moral duties as POA.

Oh Sharynmarie,

You love your Tiger! Poor little guy. I wonder how he got this wound?
Well I hope all goes well tomorrow with his appointment.
I am sorry that you won't be able to go to Idaho w/your husband though.

Wow, a lot of people have been posting about not driving at night.
I can relate, also. My husband is a late riser. So many times if we've driven out of town, and we made a plan to leave about 8-9:00 a.m.,sometimes we don't get out the door until 11:30. This is because he's pokey.

But yes, it's a youth thing, what can we say! I used to do the same thing when I was their age. But the traveling right up to almost when one must report for work,
late driving at night, I don't do well doing that anymore. One thing is, especially for women, I don't know about all of you, but let's say if your car breaks down,
I'd rather something like this happen during daylight hours. There are too many weirdos on the road, and when night falls, they multiply.

I have a friend who drives by herself at all kind of night time hours. She's driven almost non-stop from CA to Oregon. That's quite a drive IMO, alone for a woman. Last year she called me when she and her neighbor were driving in an area they weren't familiar with. It started to snow, and she and her friend became quite scared because it was so dark on the road, and w/snow in their window, oh boy! But she's called me 2x's in the last year at night while something like this was happening. I couldn't do anything for her either, since I live very far from her.
It's about safety, and having some common sense. Sometimes, I know my friend doesn't think about that part.

I like the attitude you are taking with regards to your son and DIL.
That's good you could spend some time with them. It must be difficult for them,
the fact they haven't been able to conceive.

O.K., Take care,
and of Tiger, yourself,
Much Love & Light! Margeaux



My husband is healing.He finally had a follow up, only a week ago.
I thought that was a rather long wait for a follow up, it was 3 weeks later.
The doc said, he was good. Of course I have had to remind him when he shouldn't do something. He thought we were going to take out our bikes just 2 weeks after the surgery. I said, "no way." I thought this was too soon for this activity. Overall he is feeling better. I had to rest after this, as it wiped me out.

I haven't been to mother's for a couple weeks with everything we went through.
I had to camp out here literally the first two weeks. I'll go down there before the end of the week. But I've only spoken to my sister the necessary. The last time she called, it was to try to run her repeat complaints about my SIL, which is like a broken record, if you ask me. Thank you for asking, Sharynmarie.

What happened to my post, it got separated!
Cats,
Margeaux

Margeaux~LOL!! Yes I do love my Tiger kitty. I don't want to put his post-op care on my bil who graciously will come over to feed him for me, expecting him to give Tiger medication and deal with a drain that will need to be moved around a bit so it does not heal into the wound, is asking too much. It is not going to cost as much as I expected ( I was going by that last time I had to this with another cat). Tiger's wound in right between his front legs, a difficult place because when he lays down he is laying on it. It has naturally drained by itself but it needs to be cleaned out.He is refusing to use a litter box, I am thinking of putting dirt from the backyard in the box and slowly adding litter to see if he accepts that more easily. The vet said the wound (abscess) is most likely the result of an attack by another cat. The dog groomer told me it could be from a fox tail but the vet said a cat will groom themselves and usually removes them. I could board Tiger, but it is very expensive and I can't afford it. It is just not my year with vacation time to go where I would like to go. My daughter is disappointed, hubby...even though he always says no way on spending that much on a cat....he understands and would feel bad if I put the cat down. The good side is, I will have 7 days off to catch up here at home without hubby around and who knows...maybe a road trip for me to drive to Yosemite or somewhere for some pics.
Yes the time schedule difference is a youth thing, if they had kids they be different but I doubt it since dils's mother is still like that. Did I tell you all that the Mil and Fil are living with them in their tiny apartment? Whatever floats their boat, LOL!!! I am sure mil has complete control of their household. Some people like the closeness to this extreme...not me...I need my space!! To me, they are still newlyweds, who needs mom and dad right in the next room...really?

Good news your hubby is well on his way to recovery and you can take that bike ride some time soon!! I hope your visit with your mother is good. Let us know how she is and sis too. Hugs to you, have a good weekend!!

Cholena~Your situation is tough. I do agree with bookluvr that most often the person who has POA but lives separate from the parent while another family member is doing all the caregiving, is not willing to use the parents accounts rightly for their care. I really suggest you absorb this because it happens all to often. You will left trying to take care of your mother on a very small amount money using what money you have as the main source of income for both of you.Please make an appointment with an elder law attorney to set up the DPOA. Yes your brother can easily talk your mother into changing it...if he does...you need to ask yourself if you are willing to continue to care for your mother while he has control of the money. I don't know what state you live in...I live in California...we call it a conservatorship other states call it a guardianship. To get a guardianship you will need a dr. or two to diagnose your mother as mentally incompetent (cannot make decisions for herself). In California, we have to go to court for a judge to decide competency. It takes about 6-9 months and costs around $5,000.00.You can speed it up by declaring an emergency, reducing the time to about 3 months but it costs more (at least here in California).I just want to bring this up to you...as much as it hurts to hear...depending on where you live and how things like this are worked out...you may have to walk away from it.It really comes down to your chose...do you want to spend possibly several years being under a microscope with your brother if your mother refuses to assign DPOA to you? Definitely seek the advise of an elder law attorney, knowing what you already know about your brother...it will be worth it. Hugs to you!!