The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Anyone with Kindle know how to make it become a text messaging machine? I read on my numerous researches that it can be done. I just didn't write it down... Hmmm.. maybe I copied and pasted it in my file notes under Kindle...most likely not but I will check...I'd like to try texting fave sis here on island while I'm in Hawaii. I believe there's a way to do it for free or as domestic price.

Sharynmarie,

I don't know if I told you that when Vanilla passed back in Feb., of this year,
for those of you who don't know (a cat shared), by my husband and the woman neighbor. My husband brought him here 21 yrs. ago, yes he lived that long.
When my husband began to travel-work, the neighbor took him in. But for all those years, Vanilla kept coming and staying here at our place. We of course fed and cared for him & another cat she has. Anyway, you know we took his passing very hard.

So our other neighbors next door have this black cat, named Osiris.
He's beautiful! Must have some kind of Egyptian bloodline in him. He's unfortunately quite neglected by the young couple who ignore him. We think he get's locked out of their place quite often at night time; he's an outdoor kitty.
He's quite the curious cat, too. So just before Vanilla passed, he started jumping our garden fence, attempting to come in. Vanilla at first behaved a little territorial.
But at the very end, Vanilla, allowed Osiris to come in.

Each time I'd think of Vanilla, mourning his passing, Osiris would show up.
This was so magical. I already had a relationship w/Osiris, going on 2 yrs., because he goes inside the studio where our doves are housed, on my neighbor's property-the wine drinker. That's a whole story in and of itself, since our landlady (who's very hostile), tried to evict me and the doves. Our neighbor has been kind enough to allow us to let them live in a studio, it's a converted garage space. This is where I've been doing some sewing.

But anyway, Osiris was being quite neglected. His owners, aren't from our state,
hence they go somewhere in the midwest to visit family. Supposedly, they've left another neighbor (also young girl), in charge to feed Osiris. Well, on one out of towner this girl left town too. We couldn't believe it, Osiris was completely left w/o food, and water in very hot temps, here. I was somewhat against feeding him, but we did. I don't understand why people like this would have pets, if they don't give a heck about them.

Anyway, we've grown to really love this kitty, and he loves us too.
It was interesting also, because he's insecure about his living situation.....
he didn't come here for about 3 weeks, which was about the time my husband had the surgery. Interesting too, it was also on the back of when they'd gone out of town. My husband would ask if I'd seen Osiris, when I go feed our doves.
Then finally, one day Osiris came back. We somewhat think he knew something was going on w/my husband, too. He was so careful not to go right up to him.
I give him little kitty massages. Sometimes when he wants them, he sticks his little paw out to touch me, as he's saying, "touch me."

We love our doves too, we bring them to our place and let them fly, for exercise.
O.K., just wanted to tell you about my cat story.

Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Jujubean,

I am extremely sorry about your having to put your cat down. We did this back in Feb., this year. I offer you my condolences.

I was wondering what had happened to you. It will be good for you and your mother to move back to your home. I realize that your house is under reconstruction, but I'm sure being in your own space has got to be better than being in a hotel. How is your mom's healing going? Do let us know.

Hang in there, my friend!
Hugs, Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Punch,

I want to offer my condolences on the passing of your mother.

Given your kind of a relationship with her, I completely understand how you feel.
When our aunt, mom's sister passed over a year ago, this was the feeling I had.
She was always too involved in our lives, and unfortunately she was a very toxic person, always crossing boundaries. Actually, some of the description about your own mom, reminded a lot of her.

Well, this is what we feel, we who have been violated by people like these for all of the years they've been in our lives. In our family, since our aunt didn't have any kids of her own, she was always made to feel by our our mother, that she was some kind of 2nd, mom. Weren't we lucky!

Anyway, enjoy your freedom!
This definitely says something about our human spirit!

Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Cmagnum,

I am glad that your wife is allowed to eat some solid kind of food.
My husband's hernia was of the Inguinal type, which is down by lower abdomen.
So, on account of initial post-op meds they prescribed, the instructions did warn of constipation that can be caused. I was glad he understood this, and I did my best to keep him regular w/diet. If he wasn't, he could feel more pain in the area of the surgery.

This is great, that you are losing some weight. Wow, and you are lifting some weights? That's very good! I've been taking some long walks, mixed w/light trips to the market, when I'm not going to buy so many things. It's a de-stressor for me, something I really need. When I exercise, I also sleep way better.

How is your mother doing?
O.K., my friend, big hugs,
I keep you and yours in my thoughts,

Much Love & Light! Margeaux


I

Margeaux,

My wife has run into the constipation problem.

My mother continues to not talk and eats very little when fed.

Take care

Margeaux~It is so sweet when a cat reaches their paw out to tell you they want petted. Tiger does that to my back when I am on the computer. He gets on a chair next to me and will gently place his paw on my back. I watched a video on Utube about a cat and the owner. The cat would actually gently grab the skin on the back of the man's hand and lift his hand up so he would pet the cat. It was really cute. I agree about people who don't take care of their pets...why have them. I knew that by letting Tiger stay out like he has been was risky, but I kept justifying it that he does not wander to far, usually is always in our yard. Well the vet called me a little while ago, she said Tiger is resting comfortably, he is wrapped up in a bandage like a t-shirt. She said he must have gotten caught on something because his wounds is jagged around the edges and is very deep, almost to the sternum. She did not have to put a drain tube in...poor little guy, he will have to adjust to being indoors now. I can't risk letting something happen to him again. Tomorrow is my last day of work then I don't go back until the 23rd. Looking forward to some down time even though I won't get to see my daughter, but we are already making plans for next May. She said they may fly out here in Feb.
Take care and big hugs to you and Osiris!!

Margeaux, I didn’t know that Vanilla passed away. I remember you telling the story of hubby and the neighbor over her. I just love to read about people’s stories…even their pets. I have never had a pet. I do know that cats are very intelligent. Did you know our wild cats understand hand signals? I once wanted one of them to come to me. I used my pointer finger to call it over to me. He dragged himself slowly to me. The other cats were going to interfere and I used my Stop hand signal. They stopped. Then I wiggled my finger to the reluctant cat, he inched forward. That was when I realized how smart cats really are.

Sharyn, glad that Tiger doesn’t need that draining. You staying home shows how much you love that cat. Even if you went with hubby, you would be worrying about Tiger and if BIL is caring for him the way you would.

Book~Thank you! I just don't want to put extra care for Tiger on my bil. He would have to take Tiger to the vet next Thursday to get the bandage off, it wouldn't work with his work schedule since he doesn't get home until 6:30pm. Plus having to clean the litter box...he would do it for his own daughter but I just couldn't impose that on him for me. My daughter is really disappointed and so am I...the timing really sucks.

I will put a LOL spin on this story!! I am on vacation now. I fell at work tonight, my pant leg got caught on a metal strip, I couldn't shake it loose, lost my balance and fell full force with nothing to break my fall...right on my left eye cheek bone. Yes, I have a black eye all swollen, my glasses are bent. My hubby said just tell everyone I hit you, LOL!!

My daughter is freaking out because she does mnot know what to do to entertain her dad. I told her he is low maintainance...just give him the remote and he will be happy. He said he wants to vegge out for the week ( which he deserves) , will take them out for dinner,etc. Sorry for the typos but I cant see well right now with my left eye swollen. It is the stronger eye because i have an occlusation in my right eye retina. Daughter is kiilling me with guilt...I know she understands but she is panicing on how to entertain her father which is not necessary.My hubby is very self contained...needs no entertainment from others, very low maintenance.

Sharyn, no, no, no. You look at the person straight in the eyes, with a very serious face, and say, "I misjudged the door and walked right into it. I bounced backward and then fell down the stairs. I never realized how clumsy I was until this happened."

As for your daughter, no idea how to entertain a low maintenance man. Just relax with him. Watch a show together. Check what's happening locally that might appeal to his interest. But don't overdo it because he wants to vegge out. Just take him out to the local scenes at night. You know, you hop in the car, go to a decent neighborhood and just walk the street (preferably where all the tourists go to.)

Wow, that must have your eye. I'm glad you didn't damage it permanently.

LOL! BOOK... We. Are jusf telling everyone Hubby hit me...he got fed up with my mouth!! It is 12:30 am I slept a lo g time. Now I am wide awake. My eye does not seem as swllen. My bio came over eariler to drp off these plastic bracelettes in support for a little boy named Ethan Richardson who is under going radiation for a brain tumid. Anyone interested...his patents have a page on facebook for him. My bio was in the Navy with his dad. My daughter and I usually do some girl time shopping and browsing together...hubby is real easy as he is a homebody.. .I told her maybe see a movie together otherwise just kick back and
relax.
my brother sister and I had lunch with mom on Saturday. I want to go back today. Good night. I am rambling now as I cant sleep must find something to do now.

That was suppose to be my bil not bio. He dropped off the bracelets and laughed at meLOL! Work tried to get me to go to ER but i said no not on a friday night plus it is not necessary...nothing broken...wrist is a little sore and my eye is dark purple but nothing serious. I was really depressed saturday, but iam over that now too. I think the shock of knowing you are going to hit head first no way to break the fall just wore me out. Iam rambling again..gotta find something to do with this late night energy.

Book,

Yes, we lost Vanilla back in February.
It took some time for me to get over the initial missing him. I still miss him though.

What kind of cats are these wild cats? Are they Feral cats?
I have noticed some cats, or I have heard of them that are a more wild variety.

Oh and that neighbor, she continues to be a big PIA!

Much Love & LIght! Margeaux

Sharynmarie,

How are you feeling from the fall you took? I hope you are better and your black eye is going away. Last week I also had a very bad bout of my lower back pain act up. My husband and me decided to take our bikes out for a ride. There is a hill that is quite an upgrade, and I have a pedal bike, (not a 10 speed) so I have to do all of the pedaling. I'm afraid I made the big mistake of thinking I was going to try to ride the hill all the way up, which I must have done about one half of it. Usually when I get to this hill, I walk the bike up. That was Thursday evening, and on Friday morning my lower back felt very tight. All day I was in pain, and had to take an analgesic. It's better now, but I'm having to also be on an inflammatory diet. I don't know what I was thinking! Here I thought I was going to attend a social event with my husband, something I wanted to go to. It was because my husband too, was taking some things to this event, and I'm still being careful with him in terms of lifting. So since I'm the helper right now. But I was so out of commission.

How is Tiger doing? It is difficult to leave a pet who is having a health problem in the care of someone else. I hope he is healing, this way you can heal together! HAAH!

That's interesting what you shared about your daughter and your husband.
I remember feeling that way about being with my dad when I was alone with him, but as your husband...dad didn't need lots of entertainment. Women also interact differently when it comes to hanging out with other women, vs. a man. I'm sure that you will have the opportunity to spend time with your daughter, soon.

As I was trying to post this, Osiris has been here for half an hour and is very amorous. When he doesn't get my attention, he meows and starts climbing furniture. He got up on our table, and literally lay over the computer keys.

Well, rest Sharynmarie, and I know you'll find plenty of things to do,
because I think that you are like me, we can't sit still for too long.

Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Allison,

Wow, you had to move yourself and your father?
Yes, mold is terrible, no less if someone has respiratory issues.

I'm happy that your brother's home is so big, and it appears you are able to cope.
I hope the mold issue will be resolved in the very near future.

Much Love & Light! Margeaux

I seem to have managed to become the #1 caregiver of my mom, who is in her 80's. She's in pretty decent health but has problems getting around. I have two brothers, one of which is incapacitated due to cancer, and one sister. However, I get the lions share of the responsibilities.

Wow - miss a week her you miss a ton! Lost kitties, floors coming up and smacking people in the face, mold, yikes! Sharynmarie - hope you are feeling better- since you still have a sense of humor I will assume yes! Reminds me of when I put in a sound bar on top of our refrigerator - coming down off the kitchen counter, slipped and fell, broke my wrist in two places. Ah - good times for the clumsy!
I have had a pretty challenging week too. My daughter (35) who is in a dysfunctional marriage took my very generous check for "mediation" and hasn't contacted me since - didn't respond to my messages etc. I am so done. She also lied to me about being in my mothers house...why she was there or lied about it - I have no idea. But I am really angry. I wrote a letter just to get it out. Not sending it as we have the reception for my son and DIL coming up...don't want any drama.

I am still waiting to hear from the dentist for my mom - round two. Meanwhile the meds must be working and no phone calls!

So trying to deal with all this with my mom and daughter, youngest son (23) who lives at home with his either wonderful or sour attitude, planning the reception - my eldest son(30) who just purchased a Harley which is so not him - and no experience riding (influenced by a co-worker) totaled it yesterday - and amazingly stood up and walked away after rolling 50' on pavement. Gloves shredded, helmet thrashed- OMG! I am still sick to my stomach. How can two weeks ago just be my mother being my only problem?

Margeaux~Yeah, hubby is not a high energy guy, we have told our daughter before that we do not expect to be entertained. They will enjoy their time together. It will just be different without me being there to go shopping together.

I am glad your back is not hurting anymore. Lower back problems can cause your legs to ache too. Riding up a hill would be a problem for me too.

Thank you asking about my eye,LOL!! I am feeling better. I was very depressed Saturday, I think the shock of knowing I was going to hit the floor with my face and the impact was so hard, threw me off course for awhile. Some swelling is gone so i can see better, but it is dark purple. I went into my grocery store yesterday to pick up some things, I wanted to see "M" the co-worker who was with me that night, I knew she would be worried so I wanted to let her know I was ok. Everyone was shocked at how purple my eye is just from falling. I told them hubby and I were just telling everyone he hit me because of my big mouth,LOL!! "J" our baker, said Yes and all you said to him was just go to sleep, honey!! We had a good laugh about that. My glasses are bent so I am going to take them in to see if they can straighten them out for me. "M" said that they repaired the metal strip that caused my fall on Saturday. To bad they wait until someone gets hurt.

Tiger is doing good. I took the cone off so he can navigate better. He is not trying to remove the bandage. Osiris sounds like a character, I am glad you are enjoying him.

I hope all is good with your mom and sister. Walking is good for the back.
Have a good week, hugs!!

Sad1~Wow, I am so glad your son is ok. My daughter and sil decided a few years ago to get motorcycles. They did go thru a driving course before they bought them. I thought, this is not my daughter, driving a motorcycle of all things!! Well they bought the bikes, my daughter drove it only that first summer, her hubby drove his more. I was so thankful when they sold them this passed spring. At least in Idaho, it is illegal for a motorcyclist to drive down the lane on the right hand side between cars like they do here in CA., but they are not required to where helmets, my daughter and sil did wear the helmets anyway.

The situation with your daughter is sad and painful. With writing a letter but not sending, it helps to get your anger out and I can understand you not wanting any drama at a wedding.

My son was baptized this past Saturday as a JW. While I have no real issues about him converting, I did tell him to give me time to get my mind around this because it is so different from what he was raised to believe. I did tell him that I expect him to keep in touch more by sending a thinking of you card to his dad, grandfather and grandmother. I accept that they do not acknowledge birthdays, Christmas,etc...but they do acknowledge wedding anniversaries. Their point is to acknowledge people throughout the year without it being a pagan reason like a birthday, but my son and dil have not acknowledged us except when they needed help.I told him I will also work on my end on communicating more with him. The only reason I have not communicated with him like I do my daughter, is because he does not respond.

I am ok in regards to my eye. I do admit that today I am experiencing depression again. The shock to my body/mind knowing I was going to hit a cement floor and my arms were not in a position to put out in front to break the fall, not being able to go to Idaho to visit my daughter, Tiger getting hurt. It has all been a big disappointment for me. Yes, a sense of humor helps and I will get over this too.

I hope your situation gets better with your daughter. I know it weighs on your mind daily. Praying your son gets rid of the motorcycle. Hugs to you!!

Dysfunctional and Drama are my family's middle name.


I have not even taken over my mom’s 24/7 care and I’m already stressed out. She arrives in two weeks.

Sorry if this is a long explanation but I need to vent.

Four years ago my father became ill. He lost the use of his epiglottis and could no longer eat or drink anything. He had a peg tube installed and was fed through that until he died. He was in and out of the hospital and went into a skilled nursing home for 1.5 years. He didn’t want to die there so I worked with Medicaid and was able to get him home care so he could go home. He lived at home for about 1 year before passing, this past January.
During this time, I ended up taking over my parent’s finances. My sister and I are POA and we also have a Medical Directive for mom and dad.
About 3 years ago my mother started showing signs of dementia. My niece (who is the devil herself), abused the situation by leaving her now 9 year old at the house for my mom to raise. She would also leave her other children 5 and 3 year old there for weeks on end. My niece spent all of my mom’s money in her checking account, forged checks and ruined my mom’s car.
I have 8 siblings and the majority of them didn’t get involved in the day-to-day issues that arose with my parents. I dealt with the thieving niece, I dealt with the police trying to press charges for the forged check (the police wouldn’t do anything if my mother wouldn’t press charges on the niece), and issues like utilities being turned off. We reported them to APS and CPS, neither of which did anything about the elderly abuse or the child abuse (my niece drugged her children so she could go out on weekends). The home care staff notified me of lack of food, and my niece not being willing to fill the pillbox on a weekly basis, etc.
Because I work out of my home, and all my other siblings go to an “office”, I was the one that it all fell on. No one else had time. They would visit a couple times a year. Plus, I’m the more responsible one in the family.
For four years, I drove 10.5 hours, each way, to visit my parents. It was one day to get there, spend 3-4 days taking care of issues taking them to doctors appointments, then one day back. During that time all of my work was put on hold. I did this once every month of those four years.
When my father passed away everyone decided that my mom could not live in her home anymore. We couldn’t afford to hire someone to watch her 24/7 and we knew that if we didn’t have someone there constantly then the niece would move in with her three children and my mother would be neglected and abused.
My mother was pooping her pants, not taking her medications, not eating and losing weight, and her home was mouse, cockroach and bug infested, with lots of mold. I could never stay there when I traveled there to help and had to stay in a hotel because I would get a chest infection every time I went. But, she wanted to stay there.
I stayed there for one month after my father passed and set up my mom’s going on “vacation” with me. I got letters from her doctors stating she had dementia, everything. Then I flew with my mom to my house where she vacationed for a week. Then I drove her down to my older brother’s house so that he and his wife could take care of her. They live 9 hours away. Originally everyone thought she would come to live with me because of course I’m always the one who steps up. But, my older brother offered and to be honest, I was so very relieved. Thought, I finally got my life back!
We all thought that my older brother’s house would be best since he was the oldest. She would remember his last. Also, my mother and father were extremely abusive to the girls but loved on the boys. It was unfair but that was the way it was growing up. Verbally and physically. Also, my sister-in-law doesn’t work and speaks Spanish my mom’s native tongue. They have a single story home which made it easier to get around.
None of us knew at the time that my SIL was extremely obsessive compulsive disorder. She takes 2.5 hour showers. Her house is minimalist and she doesn’t allow anyone to do anything in her home. I thought she was just clean and had never really had much contact with her. As time went out I found out more and more and my SIL complained. We offered to hire help and she refused because she didn’t want to have anyone in her home. We offered to have my mom go to day care but my SIL wouldn’t get on the bus to go with her (my SIL doesn’t drive). Anyway, my brother finally threw up his hands and said my mom had to get out and go into an assisted living place.
Since my sister and I are POA, it would mean that I would have to drive 9 hours to go check places out (because god forbid my brother and SIL do any of that), I’d have to file with California for Medicaid assistance, etc. It didn’t make sense. So, once again, I am the one to go down there and get my mom and have her come live with us for the next few months.
I have been checking out assisted living places and have found a couple that will work. There isn’t any day care in our area but I have contacted some respite care companies in case I need them.
I’d like to have her for a few months to allow her to adjust to the idea of going into an assisted living facility. I’d have her stay longer if she is civil toward me. The one thing I will not tolerate is being abused by her or being made fun of by her. I had enough of that while I was growing up.
We’ve prepared things for her room.
She’s going to constantly say she wants to go home and since I was the one who removed her from there (because none of my other siblings wanted to actually do it but wanted her out), then I’m the one who is blamed for it all. Also, she’s probably going to blame me for removing her from my brother’s house even though my mother cries every time my younger brother takes her for the weekend and has to take her back to my SIL. My mom hates it there.

I think what scares me most is the unknown.
That is my rant for the day. I feel like a doormat sometimes and the stress is a bit much for me to take. I worry about everything. Plus, my whole life is going to change. I won’t be able to hop in the car and go to sales to pick up items to sell. I will have an angry, unhappy person in my home.

All I can do is to keep reminding myself that I do have a way out. Am I being a bad child for not wanting to take care of someone who abused me so badly while I was growing up? I do it out of obligation. I care about her. I am just not devoted to her. I care about getting her the best care but I feel so emotionally detached from her. It’s like I’m helping her because I would do that for any elderly person I came across that was being abused and neglected. Am I the right type of person to be a caregiver even though I know that is what I have been doing for both of them for the past several years. It’s a confusing time for me.

Anyone out there understand?

I forgot to add this bit of wisdom....Be kind to everyone...including yourself. We often are so kind to others we forget about being kind to ourselves.

Sharynmarie - thanks for the support. My son would not be here today if he had not been wearing a helmet. The motorcycle was way too big and powerful for him - and driving on a mountain curvy road. He did let his ego take over with this thing. I am not against them - I grew up with them - but it was way more than he could handle - and so frustrated that he wouldn't listen to either me or my husband. He will not get another one I don't think - he was pretty scared - and had that gut feeling a few times and didn't listen. That was his mistake!

As for my daughter - I will just be friendly enough through the wedding and holidays - I will have an opportunity - eventually. There is a part of her that is like my mother that just freaks me out. And she lives about 20 minutes away from my mother - but won't see her - too busy. Um - no job, kids are in school - busy doing what??? So frustrating. I did have a good run yesterday though - I think because I was so mad at her - I just flew through it - left my husband in the dust. LOL! That felt good!

Sorry to say - I am sorry to hear about your son's religious choice - no disrespect to any JW's out there - I have personally not had good experiences with many religions. I am one to believe that we can be spiritual without the "fluff". Too many rules and restrictions - it seems to me to live a good caring life and live by the Golden Rule. I prefer to walk the walk than talk the talk. All you can do is love your son - and be there - but not be a door mat or the bank of sherynmarie....such a fine line we have to take - especially as we are already dealing with an aging parent to boot!

So sorry you can't go see your daughter. It is disappointing when these accidents happen and shake up our life. Perhaps had you put your hand out - you may have ended up like me - breaking it and needing surgery - I ruined summer that year! Did it Memorial weekend. Maybe you and Tiger just need to cuddle up on the couch and rest. Hugs to you too - and hope you continue to feel better - and don't be too hard on yourself.

Pinkladyapple - welcome to this wonderful group - you will find the most caring supportive people around - and someone here for sure is going through something very similar and will have some wonderful advise. Although it is a welcome - it is also sorry you have to be here...

Hugs!

Pinklady~I am so sorry for this nightmare you are going through. Too much going on for one person to handle. Who has POA or DPOA on your mother?? Has she been diagnosed as mentally incapacitated?? From my own experience with dementia/alz (both parents), I suggest getting your mother placed ASAP...the less changes she has to deal with the better. Dementia/Alz patients do better in a familiar, routine situation. She will get that in a memory care unit
but expect her to need time to adjust like 3-4 months.
Asking to go home is normal and will continue until they progress where they no longer remember..could be a year or more.My mother is living in a memory care unit in Ca.since April. She is adjusting, doing well, participates, has gained 8 lbs, made friends but she still insists on going home. Remember that an assisted living/memory care community does require more of your time in visiting and being up on your mother's care than a skilled nursing facility. Welcome to the thread and We hope to hear more from you.

Mayfair1~i am sorry about your situation, a lot of responsibility to take on. Welcome to the thread and we hope you share more about your situation as you feel safe to do so!! Hugs

Thank you Sharynmarie. My sister and I both have the durable POA and Medical Directive on my mother.
It has been a big strain on me for the past 4-5 years now. My siblings just keep saying "don't stress about it sis" and I get so darned tired of hearing them say that. They don't worry about her care at all because they figure I will.
I think that getting her into an assisted living facility/memory care unit is going to be the best thing. I have checked out a few and found a couple to be to my liking. I will be visiting her often to make sure that she is cared for properly. That is one thing I wouldn't have a guarantee of if she lived near one of my siblings.
I know that sometimes I feel that only I know what is best for her, but honestly, half of my siblings are extremely dysfunctional and only care about themselves. I’m more the logical thinker in the family.
Sometimes I just feel guilty thinking that I should want her with me. I’m not excited about her coming to live with us. I will do everything that is necessary to make sure she has the best care possible. It is that there isn't that great of an emotional attachment and I often feel guilty that it isn't there.
My siblings are always crying about this or that and the loss of my father and making sure my mother is loved and cared for, yet none of them are willing to step up to take care of her. I guess that wall that I surrounded myself with in order to survive my childhood is still there. Maybe it will help me to get through these next few months of having my mother here.
I’ve set up all her doctors appointments for after her arrival, I’ve set up her bedroom to make it homey and will take care of her the best I can.
It’s a very mixed bag of emotions for me.
I’m sure I’m not the only one out there who has felt this way.

Pinklady~No you are not the only one!! My sis is primary on mom's DPOA, I am secondary but we share responsibilities. Sis takes care of all the financials, I live in the same city as mom so I take care of 95% of her medical, tending to her yard until we sell her house. Sis helps with supplies for mom and if I can't get mom to the dr., sis will. Mom is hardest on sis, she takes all the abuse now. I think it is because mom knows sis is handling her finances. She is fine with me, no abusive phone calls, no scenes made when I go visit her. The detachment thing is good, I did get more attached to mom again when she was still at home and I was going over there 2-3 times a day to check on her, take her food, give her medication, grocery shopping,etc. It was more like I became protective of her because I was worried she would hurt herself because she is in denial of her mental issue and she would climb a ladder to the roof to clean out rain gutters. I finally had my husband take the ladder to our house. I don't know how advanced your mother is with dementia, but please try to set some boundaries, get a care worker to come in and help so you can leave the house for a while, get some private time. It can become so consuming of your time even when the person does not need complete help with dressing, feeding, bathing. They lose things all the time and accuse you of stealing it, so the stress can build from answering the same question over and over to spending so much time searching for lost or hidden items. I let my mom look for her things herself...I found it kept her busy, she always found them but never apologized for accusing us of stealing them. The one thing she never found was her financial files....they ended up being in the trunk of her car. They were discovered when mom lost her driving priviliges and signed the car over to my sister. Mom was obsessed with her mail. She thought she had to respond to all the junk mail. I would sort out her mail daily, taking all the junk mail with me. Just remember to take care of your needs too. Let us know how things go and if you need to vent, just talk...we are here for you!! Hugs

You guys are lucky that you share POA. I don't share. My sis has POA. I am treated like the next door neighbor. I never know what is going on.

Lots happening. Sorry I have been MIA. I think I am finally getting this sinus infection sorted. I actually had a burst of energy yesterday and did a little deep cleaning - not much but a little is better than nothing.
sharyn I am sorry about Tiger. About a year ago I went though that with Toonie, and now he is an inside cat at night. He needed a lot of attention. Getting the meds into him was difficult. He spat the pills out even though Gary thought he has pushed them down his throat. Finally I crushed the pills and dissolved them in the other meds which were liquid, and got them into him all at once with an eye dropper. He had a drain and had to have it removed. His coat suffered for months and he threw up after eating for months. I think the meds harmed his stomach. Thankfully he seems to be pretty well back to normal. Sharyn, I wonder if you had a mild concussion too from what you describe. It sounds like you hit yourself hard enough for that. You can google to find the symptoms. Mine were atypical headaches which started a few days after I fell, and some serious fatigue. I think I am over it now. All you can do is rest and take painkillers if needed. There are other symptoms like sleep disturbances, depression, emotionality and more.
Margeaux take care of that back - lower back pain is no fun and as we get older our spines suffer and muscle tone is not as good. That gets me when I have been inactive.
Alison - one adventure after another. Made me think about our house and mold and my sinus infections. we have had some leaks in the basement, Hope things between your bro and you are OK. I agree that your mother is your biggest problem.
Sad1 -wow -glad your son is OK. Motorcycles are fun but can be dangerous, As for your daughter - I know the feeling and have had to draw boundaries. Glad your mum is quiet for now, I have lost track of which of your kids is getting married/ just got married
juju -hope you are home or nearly so. This has been a real ride for you and your mum
book - so glad you have a good therapist -they are worth their weight in gold. Hope you are still finding it helpful. You seem to have your dad's number.
Mayfair - of my, join the crowd here. Why does it usually land on one person?
as sharyn says, tell us more when you are ready.
pinklady - you have reason to feel concerned Vent away. It does help. sharyn has good advice for you. No, you are not bad. A psychologist, Pauline Boss, says that it usually is not wise for a person who has been abused to do hands on caregiving for the abusive parent. She suggests caregiving "at arms length" -or overseeing caregiving that others do. This works if your parent is in a facility.. The main concern is to see that your parent is safe and well cared for and that no further harm happens to you. I care give at a distance -5 hours drive away. Even that is hard at times. I could never take my mother into my home. Even visits of a few days years ago were very stressful.
cmag - how are you and how are your wife and mother doing? We haven't heard much so I am assuming - maybe incorrectly, that things are reasonable.
marylea -glad you have established distance between you and your dad. I know it is hard.
Punch - good to hear from you again. I may be dealing with the same soon.
If I have forgotten anyone it is unintentional -let us know how you are.

here finally I am starting to feel better, It seems you get a days grace and then something else happens. Mother has been quiet for a couple of weeks then this morning I got a card in the mail from her (a Good Luck card???) saying that she has been told that her liver is half gone, and that she does not have long to live. I am inclined to believe it -at least to some extent, as over a year ago I went with her to her then dr who reviewed her tests and told me that her liver was not great. I know mother did not hear him and I said nothing to her - no point. This last visit to the hospital for shakiness and nausea fits the picture. I have no idea who her doctor is now and will call her case manager to try to find out. Mother was supposed to see a geriatrician in a clinic in September. Today, I emailed her and called her twice but she did not answer. I have been fooled before by mother so it is possible that this is a game too, but even if it isn't you know she will use it for attention - the nature of narcissism. So I need to confirm this with her doctor and find out what her prognosis is, I will travel down some time soon, but there is not much I can do other than visit, and I can't do that for long. She has the care she needs from home care, her case manager is on top of it, Hopefully she will stick with the doctor she has seen. Maybe she was diagnosed from the last ER visit. No one called me from the hospital so she may have told them not to. She has cried wolf so many times it is hard to believe that this could be it, except that she has never thought about her liver, and I know what her old dr told me. If she said her heart was failing I would know it was a story. I have heard that one for well over 50 years and she has made it to 101 with that "bad" heart for which she has never been given any treatment. So to some extent it is wait and see. Hopefully her case manager can enlighten me. I don't think mother will stay quiet for long - so I will find out more from her eventually. This is not her usual way of complaining and demanding so I am more inclined to believe it. Other than that, life goes on. G is away so much these days, we have planned a dinner theatre evening in mother's city in the next month or so. I took a look back at this summer and it was good until July 9th when mother tried to take off to Toronto. She has told my sister since that she will go if she gets the chance. July was sorting out things with mother, August and into September was the concussion and this awful sinus infection, now it seems mother is ailing more. I was seriously thinking about dropping POA as I know the stress of mother it is hard on my health, but if her liver is failing enough to be a concern., I will hang in there. It can't go on for ever. Here temps are dropping quite low at night, - down to 50, leaves are turning and starting to drop, but we had 77 today. Forecast for cooler weather there rest of the week and some rain which is badly needed. I have been watering several times a week. Need to get the lawns and trees well hydrated before the cold weather sets in, have a good night everyone -love and hugs