notrydoyoda Posted January 2012
The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?
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it has been a crazy week in Colorado. All the flooding, not in my area, but enough that the news is terribly disturbing and frightening for mom. She has no concept of the distance this is from us. Get frustrated with her husband when I suggest we turnoff the tv. He always says there is no getting away from it, and we have cable. Then he continues to talk about the disaster at dinner. It is hard enough to get mom settled down to sleep when nothing unusual is going on. And then sis decides no to take mom to church because mom was frightened watching news Saturday night. Sis doesn't even realize that mom is not going to remember anything about it when it is time for church. CLUELESS!
The most extreme I have seen mom when frightened was with Wacko fire last year. She kept going outside to turn on the irrigation system to keep the fire away. It was 60 miles from here, not even smoke here. Sisters always think I am lying when I tell them these things, so I don't tell them much at all anymore. I would like to see how either of them could handle even a week of caregiving, but then again, no, it would be very hard on mom.
Margeaux, their like outdoor pets but we don’t pet them. Oldest sis feeds them cat food. I Try to feed them our left over people food. They prefer the cat food. The chickens prefer the human food. The cats keep coming here as kittens and then when they become adults, they move on to somewhere else. Don’t know where they are going. I guess the momma cat or the father cat chases them away. At nights, I hear them viciously fighting. I once broke it up. Poor teenage cat was fighting while trying to hide underneath the porch chair. the adult cat fled because I chased it away. That teenage cat was protective of the other cats. He’s gone now. Don’t know where he went. Laughed at the antics of your Osiris.
Hi Mayfair, Welcome to AC! When you feel the need to share your story, please feel free to do so.
Sad1, you have a lot happening. Yes, be angry with your daughter. Make that mediation money be the final last straw. There’s only so much one can take before you put your foot down. One thing if you help and she shows appreciation. Another whole thing if she uses the money for something else. …..as for your son and motorcycle…it’s a guy thing. Almost all my male relatives have a motorcycle despite the fact that a lot of motorcycles get into major accidents and their riders die. There’s no mandatory law that they wear helmets. The senators were going to pass it but the riders were against it. Riders won. Now, they’re dying every couple of months. I’m soooo glad that your son wasn’t hurt! Sis always worry when hubby rides his bike to work.
Hi Pink, Brandy and Glad, Cmag!
Emjo. Funny you mentioned sinus. I’m getting a bad case of it because the weather keeps changing. Need to get rid of it before I board the plane. Flew one time with a sinus problem. Wanted to scream and yell – the pain INSIDE my ears were sooo painful. I was miserable the whole flight. I’m glad to see you posting. And that you’re feeling better now.
My mom is well past the asking the same question all the time. She is incontinent and poops her pants. She is still able to dress herself and feed herself but needs help. She is very unsteady on her feet and bounces off the walls down the hallway. She really needs to use a walker (I bought one) but she refuses to use it.
My mom has been accusing us of stealing her things for years. Now that we removed her from the house and she only has a few of her own things it has increased. It is hurtful.
My mom blames me for all her problems and doesn’t want to admit that she could no longer live alone.
Funny about the hiding things. I told my husband this morning that we needed to put our car keys in our bedroom instead of on the hook by the door. I told him that when she was at her house she used to hide her keys all the time and we would have to search all over for them to take her to the doctor’s appointments. He said “she didn’t do that six months ago when she was visiting”. I said “do you really want to take that chance?”. I have mine in the bedroom and if she hides his I’m going to say “I told you so”. He should know, his father had early stage Alzheimers many years ago. He’s also had several aunts and uncles develop it. I told him I am trying to avoid things as much as possible.
My parents were hoarders of antiques and collectibles in their early years. In their later years they started collecting junk. After my dad passed away I was cleaning out my mother’s dresser because I found some silverware in there. The top two drawers were filled with empty envelopes. Mail she had received. She had opened the envelopes, thrown away the contents (sometimes) then stashed the envelopes. So strange how the mind misfires.
I am so happy I found a place where others have gone and are going through the same things. I am so happy to be here. And thanks for the welcome.
My mom reorganized her dresser drawers and files daily...this is why she couldn't find things, she has always been an organizer. Then she got where she was hiding everything that was important to her in her master bedroom...barricading herself in the bedroom at night locking the door.
I am glad you feel comfortable coming here and talking about your situation. It sounds like you have a plan and Yes...hide those keys!!
Joan~You could be right about a concussion, I was having mood swings, angry then depressed, irritable. Today was better but I didn't do anything but rest.
I am planning to go to Yosemite tomorrow. An old friend will be in the area and we are going to meet at the Tioga Pass Resort. He is actually a friend of my brothers, our meeting will be short because I have to get back home around 5-6 because of Midget. I will lock her in the kennel for the day. This guy used to be a firefighter at Yosemite back in the day. I would invite my brother to go but Tioga Pass Resort is very high in elevation (almost 10,000 ft), I don't think it would work with his lung issues.
Well gotta go and hoping I am not mood swinging tomorrow. My neighbor told me don't do anything stupid like file for divorce during a mood swing, LOL!!
sharyn -I really do suspect you have a concussion and probably you should see a doctor, get advice and report it to work as it was a work related accident. You may need more time off and workman’s comp could kick in. They are responsible if you need any treatment or if there are any lasting effects. I noticed that you said you were awake more. Please do take it easy. A concussion means that your brain has been bounced around, and it need time to heal. In was surprised that it has taken all of a month and more for me to recover. I went the other way and was exhausted and slept, The depression and anger certainly fit. How is Tiger doing? Toonie goes for his annual shots tomorrow. Getting him into his crate is a bit of an effort, but I should manage. I just wrap him in a towel and shove him and the towel in. Then he yowls all the way there, in the waiting room and all the way home. Fortunately he is pretty well behaved during the process. I have found that talking "sense" helps too.
Book, I hope you are over those fainting spells - you could really hurt yourself. You do need to get rid of the sinus infection; I make up a solution of hydrogen peroxide - using those little bottles of saline nose rinse. I dilute the peroxide to about 1 mls in 10 mls of boiled water. When I started I diluted it more than that -about 1:20 or 1:40. It stings!!! I make sure my nasal cavities are well rinsed at least twice a day -more if I have a bad infection like I have had, and it does get rid of it. I really can't take antibiotics anymore because of the gut imbalance. Yes those infections can be pretty painful and, thanks I am feeling better, and it is a relief!
Margeaux -re Osiris climbing over the keyboard -Toonie lies beside me often. I have the laptop on my lap and a mouse and mouse pad on the sofa beside me. He snuggles up to my hand and is now lays his head on my hand -while I am using the mouse, and lays his paw across my arm. He is funny when he wants to cuddle. He watches to see when I am going upstairs and waits in case I come down again. If I go up to bed and he comes with me and I need to go down stairs again I reassure him I will be back and he seems to understand. They are characters!
pinklady - I think you are smart to hide the keys. Years ago as my father was declining I advised my mother to do the same. He could still drive but was not safe. Keeping the envelopes and throwing away the contents - yes you wonder what goes through their heads. Glad you feel comfortable here. Sharing helps so much.
I am doing a little forehead whacking myself. Mother called tonight so I mentioned her liver and the card she sent me and she didn't remember much. I asked which doctor had told her this and she didn't know, and it didn't really matter at her age anyway, that she would be happy to die, as her life has too many difficulties. It makes me sad, as many people would be happy to have what she has. I think there is no doubt that she is depressed and has been all her life off and on. I just checked the internet and found articles which say 80% of people with BPD suffer from major depression - and that anger and depression may alternate. But, she will not take meds for anything mood related. She could have a decent quality of life if she would accept treatment, but she won't. Now again, she wants me to find someone to make her supper as she is dissatisfied with the supper she gets from home care. Her case manager has given the home care people extra time with mother because she is so fussy. There is no point in looking for someone else as she will find fault with them too, and truthfully I doubt anyone could be found who is any better that the people she has. So I just say I will see what I can do. She wants me to contact an agency that she hired someone from for a short while a year ago. The girl who was sent did not know how to make a bed - she had never seen a duvet. This is not to fault the girl. She came here recently from another country, and was working for a very small wage. I know that is the kind of help that is available for hire, and mother will not be happy. She has asked me this before, and forgotten about it and will forget again for a while. She seems to have forgotten about wanting her lawyer to visit thankfully. I found out from my cousin that he was supposed to pick mother up in Ontario if she has been successful in getting an airplane ticket to fly east. I am a little disturbed by this as I have POA and personal directive and he declined to take it years ago when mother asked him and I was in her bad books. She would always prefer a male, anyway. None of the rest of us knew that this was being arranged. I am in infrequent email contact with him and with his wife who are very nice people, but maybe a little misguided, and need to address this, as it is my job to decide where mother lives –and my decision is for her to stay where she is. I am sure they were just trying to be “helpful” and mother had probably told them that I never did anything for her, never helped her and so on. I think we just need to communicate. It is his son who lives in mother’s city and that young man gets the situation very well, as he has had enough contact with mother. Oh well –so it goes. I checked the internet and found out that people can live quite well with 10 to 20% liver function so if mother has 50% she is fine. Apparently for liver donations, they remove 60% for transplant and the donor regrows the rest. Her live will not regenerate like that, but she still has enough function for now and probably quite a while in the future. So life goes on as “normal” .
I know I don't post very often but I do read the different posts. Well last night I spent it typing an email to my siblings. Again. Don't know why, never makes a difference. Cause they don't care that I am exhausted mentally and physically taking care of our mother for the past 18 years. Mom has so many conditions but at times the one that hurts me most is her not wanting to bother my
siblings. Much less to get them mad. But its okay for me to waste away with her? I can just hear the reaction this email is gonna have!! They wiil be self righteous and try to make me feel like I should be grateful that I was "chosen " to be mom's caregiver. Ugh!! Will try and keep posting.
I've been struggling with therapy. The exercises aren't even difficult now ...after I told the therapist I was quitting, will download self-help ebooks and wing it on my own..by doing baby steps. Therapist asked me to come back one last time, and somehow persuaded me to continue...all because she is sooo happy and excited that I was mad at the world from the time I got up to the time I went to bed. Anyway, I'm a visual person - can't use my imagination. Have problems with math word problems or even logic problems. I would waste a lot of paper trying to draw charts or pictures to figure out these word problems. So, meditation and babying the child within has been very very difficult. I've had some excellent advice from posters to my Wall.
Anyway, yesterday morning, I actually saw something while meditating! It was soooo clear. I saw these bright lights in the darkness. And a voice said over and over, "Stars" "beautiful stars." I didn't move or Think Hard because it might make it disappear. While the voice kept calling it stars, I kept staring at it. I Guess you could call it stars. I mean, it's lights in the dark - plenty of lights.
I finally felt bad that here I was diagnosing and rejecting or accepting if it's stars, and that voice has such awe about seeing the stars. I remembered that I was suppose to "baby" the child within. Felt weird that I was talking to "my other half." I've always been aware of my other half. It always stops me from killing myself - several times, since I was in Middle school. It is the one that has all the bad memories that I don't remember. In our last therapy, therapist said something and I said, "Oh! Is that who my Other Half is?!" I reminded the therapist that I've mentioned my Other Half before. So, now that I know who my Other Half is, I was able to respond to it about the stars. I wonder if that is also one reason it is coming out? For all I know, it was a fluke. But am sooo glad I had this fluke. This is the 3rd time I've seen "clear visions" with my eyes closed.
Catsx10 - My siblings are just like yours. By the way, we are caregivers because we can handle the messy stuff. We're strong. We have no life - therefore we're the caregivers. Etc.....I totally agree with you. They don't see that they were able to marry, have kids, travel, and now have grands. I'm not married, nor with kids but....they assumed this is what I wanted in life - to care for our parents. Sigh....
Baby brother is sooooo sneaky. He told me that his roommate needs a place to stay. When I was talking to her, she said that she's here while I'm away on my trip. Seems baby bro told her that our oldest sister who is living with me/dad -is a deadweight. She doesn't do anything. So, roommate's been here today....and the dishes are washed, the sink is clean!!! And she wanted to learn how to change father's pampers. So, I showed her tonight. Bro must have asked to help. Now I won't have to worry when I'm gone. Later!!
I read your post about going up to Yosemite.
I remember when my neighbor took that fall, she hit the back of her head on some stone stairs, definitely had a concussion. She had a cut, but the ER, doctor decided not to put stitches only a tape. She was out of town when it happened, so when she returned, was told to go to her doctor. I saw her about 3 days after it had happened, on her way out to her doctor's appointment. To be honest, she looked unsteady, and I offered to take her, of which she declined, saying she was o.k.
She had similar symptoms as Emjo. But do you think it is wise to be driving, and no less going into elevation so high, after something like this. Remember, that even when some of us are o.k., we can get dizzy in these elevations.
About you filing a claim. Please don't go down guilty row, on this one.
It is your right to do so, and never trade off your right, because a work place has the duty to maintain the premises, so workers do not get injured. You are not doing anything wrong.....I've heard of too many people who don't feel it is necessary, or don't want to go through the hassle, only to find out later they should have done so.
O.K., I became a bit concerned, when I read this.
Much Love & Light! Margeaux
On a worker's comp claim, you have a certain number of days to file it from when you notice symptoms. You need to see a doc, on the form indicate it is work related and symptoms getting to the point that you just realized there is a problem.
I went to the dr. a little while ago. He said that it is a concussion but he feels very sure that I am through the worst of it but wants me to continue to rest and not push myself. It will take a few more days before I feel back to myself. No long distance driving and no to going in high elevations just because it can cause me to become more fatigued due to the elevation. He also said something I never would have considered...when a person falls onto their face like I did, he said knowing you are going to hit something blunt force seeing it happen can actually cause some PTSD!! He asked if I was seeing the fall over and over again, I said yes, especially Sat-Mon...it has not been so much yesterday and today. W/C claim is filed but dr. wants to see back on Tuesday.
My employer has never given me a bad time about a w/c claim...but the people at w/c have...not because I file them regularly but because they do not want a people off work. When I sliced my thumb last year they called me wanting to know why I did not go into work since my employer could accommodate me working without using my right hand. I just said because the dr. at ER said not to work for 2 days.
Anyway my store manager said that he is sure the claim will be accepted. After all, I was not at fault, they were for not repairing this metal strip and others have gotten caught on it too. I most likely will return to work on Wednesday.
I slept good last night...first time since falling and I think I may actually make it thru the day without needing to nap.
Tiger gets his bandage off tomorrow...poor guy, he walks around like a bulldog, you know how they waddle from their chest,LOL!!
Thank you everyone, I tend to push back and deny how something may be affecting me but I knew I was just not feeling right. Hugs to everyone!!
Welcome, you've come to the right place.
It's horrible when one has a relative like your niece, taking advantage of an elder.
We had exactly the same thing going on in our family w/also a thief, drug seller in her grandparent's home.. One day the s**t hit the fan, while she unfortunately wormed her way back into mom and dad's home for a stay.
She'd basically burnt bridges with everyone in the family including my brother, her dad. So there she was at mom's, who'd incidentally, spoiled her rotten.
She got into my sister's purse and stoled 1,000.00, cash.
After this, my sister and I searched the bedroom she was staying in at the family home. We discovered she'd been shoplifting everything from clothes, shoes to very expensive make-up. But we also discovered she was dealing drugs; found several small bags of white powder under the bed.
We told my dad, and he completely agreed that we had to take a firm stance about this on a lot of levels, and she was still underage, when this happened.
Telling mother....that was another melodramatic story. My sister did call and talk to the police, told them about her age, so they told sis, she'd have to file a charge against the girl.
I'll never forget dad driving w/my mother very upset by the whole thing, then being followed by two cops showing up, handcuffing this niece and taking her to the station. My sister's nerves and mine were so rattled for several weeks.
I was living there at that time also, so I was very worried about anybody showing up at mother's as a result of this girl's dealings, like gang bangers.
My parents/my dad especially was very traditional from the old country, so isn't at all into any of this. Plus, for whatever say my dad was all about....as an enabler to my mother narcissism, he was a disciplinarian with us when we were kids. I guess, though in our brother's case (thief's parent), he being the youngest was spoiled by mom. Anytime dad would attempt to discipline him if he was doing something incorrect, mother would always intercept this. So you see the pattern of dysfunction?
She's been nothing but trouble ever since, and continued even when dad was at the end of his life to worm her way back into mother's home, this time accompanied by her then boyfriend. She did do some jail time for who knows what as an adult. Honestly, I can say that I do not like this girl at all,
So now, she's almost hitting 40, and she finally is trying to put out the vibe she's turning her life around, she got married. Well, fine and dandy.....but IMO, there's too much bad water under the bridge. Besides....she never, ever has apologized to my sister, nor me for anything. I'm just waiting for the day to hear that she's gone kind of religious, because this is usually what these types do when they get older!
I totally understand the struggle you must feel because since you've said that your family doesn't get involved, and leaving you to handle it sounds like all of the care of both your parents. If I may ask, is this niece one of your brother's daughters?
I will write later, more ...just waking up.
Much Love & Light!
Margeaux
I went to my first counseling appointment in over 30 years. Recommended by a friend who also has a "special" mother. It was more of me telling her my experiences and her asking question to start to help me set my boundaries better with narcissism and stokes...I couldn't believe how it all sounded outloud! OMG! she said I had really good coping skills and my sense of humor, my husband and when my dad was alive - him as my way of not being totally bonkers. She said I was lucky that I wasn't into alcohol or pills etc also with the family history of that. So - in a way it made me feel better - and then it made me sad as so many things are rushing into my head. She said I needed to grieve first - the mother I should have had, and all the experiences I missed out on - then will be better suited to set boundaries. we will see - have an appointment when I get back from the dentist saga - the sequel.
Sharyn - so sorry to hear of your friends mother...always sad to loose one of the good ones.
Karen
Today we took mom shopping at JCP for some warmer PJ's, a few new shirts, and a couple new bras. BTW girls, the sales were great!!! I wish I had some money to spend I would have got a few things for myself. We decided to take to out to the store instead of online ordering, this way mom could make some choices for herself, allow her feel independent and to have respect for her decisions. Afterwards we had lunch at IHOP. Sis and I cleared out mom dresser of unless things that were originally brought over there simply because they were already in her dresser...things like power strips, jars of rubber bands,etc. I am debating about investing in a label maker to label all her drawers because she reorganizes daily. I don't know if it will help her or not. Mom started to get agitated with us packing up her stuff, saying she needed all of it, what are going to do with it, where are we taking it, she doesn't want to lose this stuff. I told sis, LOL!! hurry up we need to leave (mom was getting weepy, wanting to go home). I told mom I will come back tomorrow with Midget and if she needs anything out of these boxes she is to tell me and I will bring it back tomorrow. As we left, we told the caregiver mom was getting a little agitated about us taking stuff so she redirected mom's attention and we were able to leave. It was a good day and I think mom enjoyed getting out, going shopping, having lunch. We had some rain here in the valley today, heavy at times, hope it is helping with the wild fires. Have a good weekend everyone!!
My mom does the drawer thing too - doesn't rearrange anything - but every time we go she has to open and go through all three drawers in the table next to her bed then goes to the closet to show us something - and then over to the other dresser and back again. I guess it is "normal" or just plain boredom. As for the asking if she can go home or change places - I am guessing that just changing the subject is the way around that?
Walking, talking and chewing gum is definitely challenging sometimes! I can relate - really well! Knock on wood - no concussion for me yet - I just break things!
I am happy I started the counseling too. I guess I am just tired of asking my friends/family the same tired old questions and not getting any answers. No Karen, your life was not normal. No, my mother never did THAT - etc. Good grief - lucky I have any friends at all! LOL!