
Many of us, myself included, come from a dysfunctional family which adds a lot of weight to the challenges of caregiving. I have read stores on various threads on other topics and decided it would be good to have a thread just for this topic for people to share, vent and discuss.
The idea for this thread originated on the thread named "The Caregiver....How are YOU doing today?"
My husband had a mild stroke that has affected his speech. He has some weakness on the right side with his tongue. They gave him an injection to break up the blood clot. He is on a soft foods diet and someone needs to be with him when he eats for drinks just to monitor for the possibility of chocking. He will be in ICU for 24 hour and as long as everything goes ok (which it will), he will be moved to a regular room for another 24 hours. Most likely he will come home on Saturday.
I can't tell you how scared I have been feeling. Heart disease runs on hubby's side of the family, but being diabetic makes him more susceptible. I never thought he would have a stroke...a heart attack yes...This has thrown me for a loop right now. I talked with both our children, my son first. He is handling it well. My daughter, I was not able to tell her until she got home from work....which was best...she is daddy's girl. She took it well but is weepy, scared.
I could reach my fil...first his phone was busy...I knew he was probably talking to his relatives in GA. So I waited because I didn't want to leave town without him. I knew he would want to go. He is holding up good, he said he never expected to see one of his children in the hospital for a stroke...a broken bone yes.
I have to say, I am proud of myself because I held it together. When we got to the hospital in San Ramon, I found out my husband was in ICU. I wasn't expecting that...so I imagined him with oxygen tubes in his nose...and I started to lose it. I had to take deep breaths and talk to myself...this isn't about you...it is about hubby, hold it together because he does not like fuss or emotional outbursts. I was able to come in without being emotional. He has slurring when he talks but he will be ok. Thank God, he will be ok. Hugs to everyone!!
Karen
If you think you will go crazy moving there you probably would. Is there a care management group you could find to discuss your concerns? Of the area agency on aging through the regional government, something? It sounds like a volatile situation if you were to go. You should consider very carefully about giving up your life to try to solve your parents problem.
It must have been really hard for you trying to keep it together for your husband.
But you did it! Some guys are so like this, not wanting to see us upset, I know
this is what I felt recently with my husband too.
Well just take some deep breaths, hug Tiger.
Let us know about any developments.
I already put out a big spiritual holler for you and your husband.
Take care of yourself sister,
Much Love & Light!
Margeaux
My aunt was one sick puppy!
Really.....you know mom was diagnosed w/ALZ officially back in 2007.
But after having been w/AC for awhile now, and learning about personality disorders etc., I'm 99.9 sure she must have had some mental illness.
Her assets were intermingled w/mom's. She had no kids, so we....really my sister ended up w/the hands on care for her, and now mom.
I used to go relieve my sister, but because of the toxicity she spewed at me and my history, I deliberately didn't make myself available to more abuse by her. It was too much for me, given the story I shared earlier.
She was at the end.....very paranoid, taking according to my sister about 12 different medications p/day. She did take Vicadin at some time. I tried telling my sister when things were getting hairy over there at mother's to look into NH, for her. But the battle ax was so controlling, trying to act like she was holding us hostage to the inheritance. Sometimes I wonder I must say whether my sister kind of held back on account of this factor. My sister was POA for both mom and the battle ax. She has MPOA for mom, but never had it for our aunt. So if you can imagine, here was this narcissistic old lady calling all the shots. I pretty much
tried to stay a safe distance from all of this. Of course I would go there to relieve when it was absolutely needed. But I would not allow my aunt to step over me any more.
It's great to hear that you do the same. It's not easy, but if we don't do it, there's no one to do it for us. Hopefully with your absence, your mother will have no choice other than to calm down.
Stay strong,
Much Love & Light! Margeaux
I am here again!! Having a hard time settling my mind down. I know it was a mild stroke...and I start to get settled then the out pouring from friends and family gets me going again. I am not complaining at all...I know they care about my husband and me...it is just keeping all the emotional stuff under control to talk with them. My husband is loved so much...and he and his co-workers have a brotherhood that is so strong. My hubby works in security for a national laboratory that does defense testing. They are all trained in cpr and first aid. When hubby got to work this morning...one of his co-workers noticed that something was just not right with him. He kept checking on him...asking him if he as ok. Understand my hubby has great pride...not willing to admit there might be something wrong. Hubby told him he was fine. "J" kept checking in with him...then hubby speech became very slurred...He told hubby...you can hate me for this, but I am calling an ambulance. Hubby told him...LOL!!! I will drive myself!! Really????....."J" told him NO!! Sit your a$$ down...I am calling an ambulance!!! When the ambulance got there, hubby wanted to sit in the ambulance not ride in the back. "J" told him...Get your a$$ on the gurney now!!! I know "J"....if he had to, he would have sat on my hubby's chest to get him on that gurney!! Yes, I am very thankful to "J" for recognizing the symptoms, keeping a watch on him...then insisting he get to a hospital. When we went to hubby's work site to bring his truck home..."J" said I hope he doesn't hate me...but I had to do what I thought was right. I have to laugh because this is soooo my hubby...his pride...nothing being wrong with HIM. I didn't call to talk with hubby tonight since I was told they wanted him to have few calls, a calm setting...and my fil said he would call him later. I will find out more tomorrow when I go back. Thank you all again, I needed to vent and get this off my mind!!
You are fortunate you dad has options with Veteran's. My understanding is that they have all sorts of services. Use them as much as you possibly can!
Yes the hope is she will calm down and not get kicked out of where she is!
Anyway, there's too many complicated details, but all I really wanted to share was what my mom said to me on the phone today (actually yesterday she said "I know what you're cooking up!" then dr. came in room so call was over) but today she said "I know you're trying to punish me by putting me here!" I was so bowled over. I kept saying to myself 'don't take it personally' but geez louise, there's a biggie! And still don't know what's gonna happen when she gets discharged next week. It's so too bad that my brother was given POA...& we hardly get along. wow, this whole thing is complicated, as some of you may recognize from previous posts. (Can't believe I've been here for so many months! :-) anyway, thanks for letting me vent! hugs to everyone, as always~
This happens in our family also. Our two younger brothers, were never expected to do any hands on, dirty work when it came to our upbringing as in doing the chores, my sister and I did all of that.
This of course extended into adulthood. But dad, mother and my aunt always looked upon our brothers as some kind of demi-gods in terms of recognition,
appointments of them w/all legalities w/POA, and the like. The big reason my sister took it over, is that the "golden boy," who had it, didn't take care of bs.
A big fight resulted between he and the BA.
The only time both my brothers participate, and I don't even count it as participating.....is when my sister is down to her last straw, say if I can't cover like when I'm working. She then w/call on "golden boy." He'll pick up mom and take her to his house, or out to eat til my sister returns. So it's more social.
My youngest brother.....forget it! He drops by, but makes very short, what we call doctor visits. They both manage to show up for Thanksgiving and those holidays.
But I always feel they do this as there is something in it for them......food, or gifts.
I am so happy for you that your mom is in a home. Yes, I sure hope her doctor can do something about her medications. You're strong, Sad1daughter!
Oh, and I'm w/ya on the your feeling about the husband being away.
I laughed on another post when you wrote how you pine about him going out the door. I do this w/husband also, and I do miss him when he's out the door.
But we all need this, missing one another. We're all human, after all!
O.K., You are in my thoughts!
Meanwhile.......another glass of wine, heck I had one last night, even though
I've been down w/a sinus flare-up. I figured it comes from grapes! HAA!
Much Love & Light! Margeaux
I am a little scared bringing him home. He is set in his ways and he may be difficult with me about the soft foods. I am worried that when I work and he is alone, he may not be careful. It is hard to change how you do something when you don't feel there is anything wrong with yourself. The nurse called me this afternoon about hubby chocking. She feels he is not taking it very seriously so she wanted to alert me to make sure he eats slow. I have to watch for any changes in his attention, difficultly with word recall...she said it is not showing up with him now but because he is normally a quiet person, they may not be seeing it. I am off until Tuesday. Gotta go, will catch up more in a couple days. Hang in there everyone dealing with the issues you have going on!!
I agree. Allow your son to help. You keep turning them down, they stop asking
Will write tomorrow
Is there any way to apply for Temporary housing in which you can move into and also to find a job? I worry that your siblings will never ever want you to find a job and independence.
May I also remind you that you have spent about 2 years caring for your mom by yourself? Why should bro now want you to help out when he never helped you when you needed him most? Know this, you have put 2 full time years caring for your mom. It's time that bro does HIS turn - without your help. He's still the same - selfish. And truthfully, your siblings don't care about Your life or lack of having one.
The same has happened to me. My 7 siblings didn't care or do anything so that I can have weekend offs or to find a man so that I can marry and have children. Yet, they all did these. They just figured it's my Duty to care for the parents to the end of their lives or mine. Even when I told them that the therapist and my medical doctor were worried about my dying due to stress overload. Nothing.
You have this opportunity to Do something. Most of us do not have siblings who take in the parent. So for us to find true meaning in our lives is...not really there. While your brother has mom, this is the best time to Start doing something. Because, your bro may change his mind after several weeks of mom and her interference or too much work caring for her. He might send her back home to you. And then you will truly be stuck again. Back to square one. So, while mom is with bro, this is the best time to move and do something with your life. You can start off as part-time and set up a SCHEDULE of when you will be there for mom. Don't deviate from that schedule. She needs a doc's appointment, set it around your work schedule. Remember with work, they do not like it when you keep constantly changing the set schedule for work. You become "unreliable." I've done that for years with mom. I always did my best to schedule all her appointments on the afternoon I happen to be off (every other Wednesday.)
Yeah, it hurts when they say things about us that's not true. How do you think I felt when father was recently in the hospital. He verbally gave the upper land to oldest bro (whom father dislikes) and the house/land to oldest sis (whom he accuses acts like an outsider) ...and I got nothing. My oldest bro looked at me and laughed quietly. Pissed me off.
Hubby came home today!! He is doing great. Still some slurring but better than yesterday. He is still on a soft, moist diet. They gave him a TPA injection which breaks up the clots...which were on both sides of his brain...very small but they affected the speech center. He will follow up with our dr. here, a neurologist and a speech therapist. Still don't know when he can return to work (a minor detail) but the dr. said he can be completely independent...just soft foods and a better over all diet. I hope everyone is doing well and sending hugs to all!!
Rosebud, is there a way to speak to someone in that facility where mom is currently at and ask for advice? Explain the POA situation and mom having assets to help pay for her cost. I don't know if you going to elder lawyer will help or not. Maybe the facility can give you a referral on whom to call? Unfortunately, your situation is Not Uncommon according to what I read on this site. Please keep us updated on the home front.