notrydoyoda Posted January 2012
The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?
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I'm very happy to hear that your husband is home now.
This is a good thing also, that your son is coming.
Possibly your son can help you encourage your husband to do things that are going to be beneficial towards his healing.
I'll keep you and yours in my thoughts.
Much Love & Light! Margeaux
Brandy, you can only be the one to figure out your transportation to visit mom. We don’t know enough of your geographic area to recommend anything. I would suggest a bus but I don’t know if they will be working on Thanksgiving and may be too busy before/after TG. Cab would be way too expensive. Sis will not help you. I’m sorry. My brain just goes blank trying to come up with something.
3 of my siblings have nothing to do with my mom. My 2nd oldest sister only seems to take an interest in what's going with mom when she thinks she can come in and tell my little sister and me what to do or if it will benefit her financially. But when it comes to actually helping out with mom's care, for get about it.
I totally understand your frustration. Unless you're going through it, nobody really knows what it's like to be the one the burden falls on when you have other siblings, especially when its affecting your personal family life.
How is you doing? You have been MIA, lately.
Were you ever able to find out more about the situation with your mom,
and she making those claims about her liver?
You notice how any one who is especially manifests their dysfunction via anger....
will usually start escalating a health issue. Our aunt managed to do this each and every time she had a doctor's appointment. My sister, the POA, did not have MPOA, for our aunt, so was at a complete loss as to what exactly was really going on w/her health; my sister never went to an actual doctor's visit w/her. So here she was the one living at mom's, with our aunt....but never really got a handle, as to say whether my aunt's complaints were real/imagined. I've realized from other posters here, how delicate a situation becomes when they don't have MPOA of a patient they're in charge of.
Well anyway....I hope in your case you were able to get to the real bottom of that.
I think I'd posted right after you wrote about it, but the post was lost.
How are your sinuses doing now?
Mine are giving me a run for my money. It's like the very day fall started.....so did my sinuses.
Take care, hugs,
Much Love & Light! Margeaux
I was a grammatical mess, on that first sentence of my last post!
Some of this is my sinuses!
HAAH!
Margeaux
This is a lot what you have done.
One can only do what one can do, and your particular situation, that you are taking care of your husband, it's really probably best if you write, or if you can call your mom. You have your own health to contend with also.
Please don't ever place yourself in danger, if you're talking about narrow roads,
and that they'll be slippery.
I'll keep you in my thoughts Brandywine, as I realize you're taking big steps by posting more here.
Hugs,
Much Love & Light! Margeaux
She asked whether I could go to relieve her yesterday, as she wanted to go to her daughters house. This is her eldest daughter who has two babies now.
Apparently her little boy spiked a fever last Wed., so high it cause a seizure, so he ended up at ER. He's o.k., sent him home, but must still be having a fever. The doctor told his mom to watch that it the temp doesn't go out of range.
Anyway, as you all know I went down really bad w/the sinus thing, and I felt as if I had a flu also. Of course my sister didn't know anything about this, until I told her yesterday. But right on the back of my telling her this, she asks whether I could go stay w/mom, while she went to her daughters to help out w/the two babies, because her daughter is exhausted.
Of course, at first I just said yes, I would go, w/tons of hesitation, since I'm still not quite totally well. If they're having flu issues over there already w/this sick baby,
I wouldn't want to be the one, now bringing some other bug, besides there is my mom there also, to contend with. But what does my sister say when I informed her of all of this, "Oh, it's o.k." So in other words, she was pressuring me to say yes.
She also informed me that this happened last Wed, they taking the baby to the ER.
When I told her I would go, she thanked me, and then said, she was really appreciative, since she'd already taken 2 days off of her work, to help her daughter. Now what I'm not understanding is......o.k., your already took time off,
now she wants to return on a Sun evening. Her other daughter, (the problem one),
who lives at mother's I know helps out babysitting throughout the week for her older sister. Then, there's a caregiver, who it appears doubles up on duties also helping my niece w/her two kids, and then mother.
Anyway, I discovered that as I was trying to rush around and get myself prepared for the drive to mom's, I realized that I really wasn't up to it just yet.
Believe me, under any and all other circumstances I'd go. So when I told my husband I was going, he looked at me, and said, "why are you going down there sick." Now I felt, "Oh no." I've already said, "yes," to my sister. I must admit, I mulled it over and over, and really felt bad in a sense that I shouldn't go.
Then I had to ask my self, well, it's kind of weird that my sister to, says all of this happened on Wed. Now she decides she's going to go help her daughter, and she's telling me about it all on Sun., morning and expects me to be there Sun. evening
Well, I decided to call and cancel. I could hear that by the sound of my sister's voice on the other end, she just said, "all right," in a very matter of fact way.
I hate to admit this....but I was feeling guilty too. Part of it, because I haven't been down there the last month w/my husbands surgery and convalescence, then I got sick. I really try to always accommodate my sisters requests whenever she needs any and all relief of caregiving.
So, I was just wondering later......well then there's always my brothers to call.
But do any of you think she'd call one of them, on the fly as she did me....to allow her to be able to go there w/the daughter? Sometimes I get the feeling too,
my sister is being a bit overly involved over there at her daughters w/these new babies, because it's not like my niece lacks for help, as I mentioned above.
Besides, she does have a husband.
Anyway, I'm glad that I stayed home, because I just wasn't ready to do this yet.
Margeaux
Emjo - I have been wondering where you were also....are you ok?
I came home Saturday from my mom's house - after that hellish day Tuesday - and then was planning on going back on Wed and said to myself - WHY?? So for once - I listened to my inner voice and didn't go. My mom called the house 3 times and I didn't answer. The first one -was just garbled and that she needed to go back to the dentist. I called the AL - she was fine. 2nd call - she had received my letter - but she still wanted me to take her to the dentist, she didn't feel well and she knows I hate her...guilt at it's best. 3rd call was the following day - I forgot to bring her "things" ie snack food and clothes she ordered. I didn't go back or answer the phone. I called again the AL place told them I had a work emergency and went home and was checking on her. She was blowing kisses to everyone - and was just fine. I guess Joan Crawford would have some competition if she was alive! H
I have my 2nd counseling appointment on Wed - can't wait to see her face when I tell her how my drive to the dentist went! Again - sounds so much worse outloud!
Happy Monday all!
Take care of yourselves everyone!!
Welcome to the newbies, and don't be afraid to post, vent, ask questions etc.
I am not going to try to catch up, I am so far behind. I am finally getting over the sinus infection I have had since early August and about time. It has really tired me out. I am using the meds the specialist had compounded for me - expensive, but it is working, so worth it and I will get her to send in a few repeats to keep it on hand as I have to order it through a pharmacy in mother's city and it takes a few days to get here. We don't have a compounding pharmacy in town.
sharyn -so glad your hubby is home and doing so well. Enjoy having your son home for a while.
Margeaux - don't feel guilty about looking after yourself - the dysfun. people in our families delight in that. I have to be careful not to take on too much either. I am dealing with that now too, and others in the family only see their own agendas and don't seem to care if it negatively affects you.
Same for you brandy - do what is good for you. Your sis won't change, so do what you can by yourself. Calling and writing sounds good to me and what I have to rely on often. I find a trip is hard on me too and probably will not be driving it again, which leaves the bus (long) or a plane (expensive).
Karen - you are doing well setting limits with your mum. It is the only thing to do. She is quite impossible with you. That trip to the dentist was past a point.
glad - hope things are going along ok even with clueless sibs
book - so glad you got a break but sorry you got sick on the way home. At least now you have gotten away. Hope you manage a bit more therapy -I think it is helping you. and another vacation.
cmag - how is your mum?
austin - good input as always
I know I haven't mentioned everyone - not intentional - keep posting and let us know how you are - jody good to see you back here and making progress, rosebud ...and others
There have bee a few new developments. My sis wants to come over in November and have me come down to mother's city at the same time so we can "visit" people and visit mother.. I asked her which people and she was vague but mentioned the staff at the Churchill. She was been visiting her boyfriend, and I think (based on past experience) that the two of them are trying to cook up something which will only be trouble for me. G agrees. I had planned on visiting mother in October, as long as I am over this infection, then G and I go on a business trip then a few days vacay in November. I really do not want to see my mother and my sister together. One of them at a time is bad enough, but both are stressful. The old games get played. There is no reason my sis cannot see these people on her own. Travel once in October is enough, as well as once in November. We will likely go south in December and I may visit then -depends.
I called mother's case worker (Nadinne)and got an update. The mental health team has not visited her, so N called them and they agreed it has been too long and have moved mother to the top of the list. I told her that mother is depressed. She said that she visited mother a month ago and reviewed her meds and that the Risperdal is nearly gone so she must be taking it. That would account for the absence of paranoia, but I think it is depressing mother. She did say before when she took it she got sad. So I think she needs a meds review by a doctor or a psychiatrist. Nadinne will call me back when she knows more about the mental health team visit. I hope she will tell them that I thought mother was depressed. N also told me that mother decided to not go to the geriatric clinic but to return to the doc she fired in the summer. I suspect that is who told her that her liver is failing and that she has not long to live. So I need to call that clinic and see what I can find out. I know she can manage on less than a full liver for quite a while, as she is healthy otherwise. I wonder if another antipsychotic would be less depressing for her. The doc in the hospital prescribed the Risperdal, but of course they do no follow up. The mental health team is supposed to do that. Follow up is so important when prescribing this type of drug. I find it frustrating. Of course, part of it is mother jumping around from here to there saying she won't take her drug, saying she won't go to Dr. M then changing her mind about both of them. Getting information out of her is difficult as either she forgets, legitimately, or gets distracted onto something else, or just plain doesn't want to tell me.
Raining here, good for the grass. I am not entirely out of the woods yet with the infection, but definitely doing better. Most leaves have turned yellow, then one good wind and they will be gone. They don't last long here. I am not looking forward to winter!!!!! Love and hugs to everyone - Joan
Yes, I know there's definitely an issue going on with her daughter and being a new mom, etc. But here you have a couple as I'm sure many that both work, although at the moment this niece took extra time on top of the maternity leave allowed her for the second baby. Like I said, she does have extra help during the week. So this is why I'm suspicious at the level, of my sister wants to be overly involved, then she also has a full time job. All I can say is, she may want to watch those days she's taking off her own job. Being how many people are dismissed at the drop of a hat nowadays since everyone is looking for work, I wouldn't do that. My sister does make these spur of the moment decisions also.
This was exactly the issue I posted about on a relief caregiving visit I did end of the summer, and it had to do with the babysitting issue. I mean I can be drawn into care for mom, every now and again, but I don't want to be drawn into this.
My sister I think fluffs something like the fact that I was sick off, too. She told me a month ago, that she'd had a root canal, then took her painkillers and went to a concert that evening with her boyfriend. I thought, WOW....you're nuts! But this is the way she operates, the control freak!
I'm really glad I stayed home, because when the day was all said an done,
I just wasn't ready to go to mom's. My sister knows how to push guilt buttons too.
But if she wants to do that.....call my brothers! I'm sure she didn't bother either.
Thanks for the well wishes,
Much Love & Light! Margeaux
Take care of yourself and everyone else too!!