notrydoyoda Posted January 2012
The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?
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I received a call from from my cousins husband. My cousin suffered a bad stroke a year ago so my communication with her is limited. My mothers o ly living sinking passed away today. She has been in a nh in PA for over 10 years and the last 8 years she has been on a feeding tube unresponsive. I never met my aunt, and I don't think I will tell my mother. It will upset her and she will ask over and over. I don't mind answering her questions but is it worth having her greive over and over again?
It is so good to hear from you. I am happy to hear that your sinus infection is clearing up. I'm taking care of mine as best that I can. I became so stuffed up last week, that I have a cough. The temperatures have been getting very changeable, and I'm sure there hasn't been enough humidity in the air. I think I'm going to try your recipe with the peroxide you posted. It does drain the energy, doesn't it? I'm also finding that I'm having to be oh so careful about what I eat.
It does sound as if your sister is trying to draw you into to something rather questionable. You are so right that dysfunctional people delight in this. I also have to remind myself about how impulsive my sister can be at times. Sometime in the past she used to give me a few days warning if she needs me to watch mother. I can make allowances, if I'm available like when a caregiver is sick.
But recently it's been done all at the last minute. So I guess I'm going to have to implement a new rule for myself. Isn't it strange how we almost have to end up spending so much energy just trying to dodge some of the dysfunction?
I hope the geriatric team is able to evaluate your mom.
Maybe you can finally find out also where this claim about her liver came from, too.
Good to hear that you and G are well.
Take care, hugs,
Much Love & Light! Margeaux
This doctor is a riot! That's very good he used humor to drive the point to your husband. So your husband can return to work? That's good news.
You did make me very hungry posting what you had eaten and what you were cooking. Emjo gave you terrific advice about the diet. There's lots of information you can search about high glycemic foods. There is something to this, since certain foods spike the blood sugar, which in turn isn't good for diabetes.
My condolences on the passing of your mom's sister.
We didn't tell mother about the passing of one of our aunt's.
Mom hadn't seen her in a long time either, and we figured that we didn't want to further confuse her.
O.K., Sharynmarie, I can't tell you how happy about the progress your husband is making. He's in good hands. Hope you are feeling better also from the fall you took.
Much Love & Light! Margeaux
Margeaux~Thank you, I am very happy with hubby's recovery. Yes the dr. was a riot!!
We spent the morning getting everything set up for speech therapy out of Tracy, starts on Thursday.
I visited with mom, 2 other residents joined us because they both love dogs. It was a nice visit...one lady is in a wheelchair, 100 yrs. old with memory impairment and hard of hearing. The other lady is mom's next door resident, Theresa, she is also memory impaired. Midget gave back as love as she got from these 2 ladies, plus mom loving her up. Gotta get to work, have a good day!!
Five years later she is much worse off and so am I. Been through deep depression, and counselling and just when I get a better handle on it, she acts out. I am getting better at not letting her drag me down, but sure welcome communicating with others who understand. My mother has struggled with mental illness/personality disorders all her life, but I would say her main dysfunction is also narcissism. She doesn't care who she hurts, is never wrong, and doesn't care at all about anyone but herself. I just read a wonderful book "Will I Ever Be Good Enough? Healing the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers" by Karyl McBride, Ph.D. I highly recommend it to anyone dealing with this situation.
At 71, I feel I should be enjoying my retirement while I still have good health, and instead, my world is filled with this negative, hateful, verbally abusive woman. I blame myself for delusionally thinking that maybe as two older single women, we could be friends before one of us dies. Now I realize that she will never change, and grieving the fact that we will never have a loving mother-daughter relationship.
I am so happy to have been led to this site.
Lately she's been slipping (Freudianly?) and telling me I'm a bad mother, and apparently she referred to me that way to my daughter also. This is not in reference to mothering my kids, but to her. Something's going on and I feel that inside she feels like I should be taking care of her like a mother. Her own mother was never affectionate or close with her. Mom was her 13th child, and as I imagine, certainly not wanted. It helps to know the history, which contributed to the type of cold, critical mother she was. As an adult I get it, as a child, of course, I thought it was me. Getting better at not taking her insults and putdowns personally, but I still slip and get very upset at times.
She got sick and told me it was an "emergency" and would I take her to the doctor, which got me back in her presence after several blissful months away, and acted civil for a while, but now her behavior is as it was before.
She called to say she "had it out" with the manager yesterday and that she wasn't taking her s--t any more, and they were throwing her out. First time it happened I reacted, but this time, I will wait and see if they actually call me. The last time I was called by them, they indicated that they might ask her to leave, but didn't. She's private pay in a large apartment, and it IS a business, so we'll see.
My profession was as a Nursing Home Administrator, but when it comes to a relative, it's so different. Difficult to be as detached, of course, and I'm the target not the intermediary. As her doctor told me, you are in a no win situation. If you had left her in her home state, you'd have been "wrong" for leaving her alone, and by bringing her here you are "wrong" for making her leave her home. He's right, of course.
Can't tell you how helpful it has been to read some of the posts here. I have good friends, but most of them had kind, loving mothers, and just can't relate.
This time, she chose the parent's room - which I call the Dead Air room. I walk in, and it feels so still, not normal, dead air. Sometimes, i walk in, and I get the sensation that I'm not welcomed inside. Tonight is the first time I hear her laughing so loud and joyfully. Joyfully singing a loud - in the dark. I panicked and texted my siblings. It's starting again. She will laugh, and be happy. Then eventually she will withdraw from us - the real world. The only way for her to get back to normal would be to leave here. If she leaves here, i will have no-one to take care of father. I need to sit down, and calculate the house bills and see if we can use father's money to pay for a sitter from Mon-Fridays. This is bad...for everyone. She has always been the most sensitive one in the family.
Older sis in the state (the one I spent time in Hawaii) gets visited by our relatives when they die. Oldest sis can communicate with them. I can sense them (most times I pretend I don't feel anything.) Fave sis seems to get "tricked" by them. Nephew sees them in the mirrors...
So, I remember being in college when I happened to come home, and mom was screaming uncontrollably over my 2 niece/nephew in the shower. Clothes that she would never ever buy (long nighties) in all sizes were popping up. Trigger happy tempers, etc....I remembered telling siblings that something was wrong with mom. That was in 1986. Mom was about 52 years old at that time.
I'm age 47. Oldest sis is 8 years older than me She's age 55. The thought that popped into my head this morning is that sis might be starting on the Dementia road. She was talking, pausing, talking, pausing early this morning. Laughing and singing aloud. Then back to talking.
Another thought that popped into my head this morning...my nephew who sees them ....I told this story a while back in the YOU thread. Background story: When father had a stroke 2 years ago, the first thing I did was go outside and uprooted all these plants that gave me the heevies jeevies. I told nephew about this compulsion to go out and cut the vines creeping to the house. Nephew told me that the outside spirits want to come into the house. The inside spirits are fighting back via thru me...hence the creeped out feelings I get when I go outside. I told him that the scary room is no longer scary since father had his stroke. He said that the house spirits now view me as the head of the household. The thought that popped up in my head this morning was that when I left off-island, the spirits became naughty and active. You see, I have ALWAYS been afraid of them - even as a child...See No Evil, Hear No Evil attitude. No matter what they did to show they were there, me and my 3 younger siblings would look at each other and Pretend Not to Notice. So, with my natural instinct to pretend they're not there, I lef t the house wide open. Sis has always believed in them and interacted - to her detriment. As a child, My Instinct was to Pretend they're not there. I still have that instinct. So, now ... it is in my sister's room. Ugh!!
Imagine mixing spirits with dementia.....Sigh....gotta go...change father's pampers...
I certainly hope your sister is not getting dementia. Do you have a history of early onset on your mother's side of the family?
I don't like to be talked down to especially by family members who have never shown me much respect, have never expressed actual concern for me as a person regarding my well being. I have to ask...what took you so long (in-laws) to come to me with your concerns about your brothers health??? Now you want to tell me that it is my responsibility to change myself so your brother will change is eating habits for the better. Well guess what, I have provided the food, even cooked it, but if he chooses to go get a burger and fries while I am at work instead of eating what is already cooked at home, I can't control that. When you go out to breakfast with my husband and your father, are you going eat oatmeal and fruit for breakfast? Or are you going eat eggs, ham, sausage, bacon and toast? Are you going to say something to my husband about him ordering 3 eggs and extra bacon, or are you going to just turn the other cheek that this is a special time for the 3 of us? Dear fil, after your wife had her first heart attack, did you quit smoking? No you didn't, you went outside, smoked in the backyard or garage hiding it from her....she knew you were smoking and told all of us, she laughed and thought it was cute. Fil, while you still ate your prime rib, pork roasts...did you encourage your wife to not cook those foods. Did you encourage her to take walks and go with her? When I was trying to cook better for my family by cooking a vegetarian dinner 2-3 times a week, did you and mil support me?? No, instead I was berated for not including meat. When your own daughter was over weight, did you try to help her, support her...what is that word that you use for overweight women...Oh yeah...they are FAT!!! Now you refer to your son as being heavy. Don't come in to my work place and lecture me on how to take care of my husband and how I need to change too!!
Yes, they want to rush in to tell me what I need to do...but they won't tell my husband what he should do. After 36 years of marriage, you would think they accept me but they don't!! Hugs to you book!!
What toxic in laws you have.
How disrespectful to you.
Unfortunately, this is how people in families who aren't inclusive of the in-laws behave, always berating what someone like you does, and play the blame game.
I would say that the priority here is to try to get your husband to understand, about the foods he's eating, and to take some responsibility. My husband takes medication for cholesterol. He is also a meat and potatoes guy, and loves cheese. He also has a tremendous sweet tooth, and really dislikes doing any active exercise.
Our menu consists more of the legumes, chicken, fish and I do make something with meat in it, especially pasta. Really when it comes down to it's the patient's responsibility. My husband sometimes has the attitude, that he can take his medications, then he can go on eating whatever the heck he wants. I tried explaining to him, that it doesn't work that way. But oh well! I don't go on and on,
about it, but I try what ever I can to rotate the menu. If my husband starts asking me to make him say like Quesadillas (primarily cheese), if he starts asking me for too many, I do put a stop to that.
Yes, it must be terrible to have this environment with the in-laws, that they obviously are not inclusive. This is interesting too, when others try to bring up bad habits or try thrusting them on someone like yourself.
We have a friend who has tried bringing up habits on occassion to my husband, and she has a personality,she's basically a big mouth. She is a nice lady in many ways, but when she gets on a roll, you'd think she had not one bad habit. Meanwhile, she is very overweight. Sometimes when we've gone to visit her she will bring out these little cream puffs, they're finger size. I may eat no more than two. But she sits there and can eat almost the whole box. So this to me doesn't make any sense at all. I say, that if people spent more time minding their own bad habits they just shut up.
In your case they're definitely doing the old blame game.
If they have been this way your entire marriage, really Emjo's idea is good, detach.
Besides, why do you feel the need to update them.
This is what I have to do with my sister. She used to berate me a lot, and I used to be very insecure about it. It was kind of a dance, of I trying to be right with her,
and really seeking approval. I don't do that anymore, because I've come to discover, that this in turn gives these nut jobs some bogus power of us. In turn some of this feeling I used to have has lessened. I almost bit the bait though last week, when I couldn't assist her, covering caregiving for mother.
Now I'm not trying to suggest you be rude, say as if they'd call you.
Your bil is doing you no favor either. But maybe if he or any of them were to tell you something like this, you could point out that the choice is your husbands.
At least you had one relative be on your side.
I have you and yours in my thoughts,
Much Love & Light! Margeaux
I seemed to overlook the fact your bil came into your work site to tell you this.
Definitely, I would say something to him about that, if he tries telling you this again.
You wouldn't want to jeopardize your situation while you are on the clock.
Do you feel like he is a bully, this is way out of line!
Margeaux
You said "they bypass me as much as they and only communicate with my husband knowing that he doesn't provide all info that they would like to have regarding his life". Have you thought that maybe, just maybe that is why they only want to talk to him? Maybe they are in denial about what is going on and as long as they do not get the full story, then they are comfortable not knowing the unknown. I don't think they would like to have all the information, keeps them safe.
This is exactly what occurs in my family. Sibs never call to get updates from me, they that talking with my AD mom gives them enough information. Those are interesting one-sided conversations, newsy calls, other than how are your doing today, to which she replied oh just fine. They actually think mom is capable of telling them about herself.
Detaching from them isn't a problem for me, its just he put me in a position where all I could do was listen (I was at work). It's not that I wanted to argue with him, it is more that he put himself in a position of power over me by coming into my work place. He never would have come to our home to say this to me in front of my husband because he knows my husband would have said something to him. They will not put a wedge in between their own family members so they go behind their backs to the person they have no feelings for, no respect toward them. This way they keep me at arms length but continue to display their unconditional acceptance of their family member. AT the same time, I am expected to be respectful toward them and put their family first.
Do they ever ask me about my mother...no!! Actually about a year ago, my fil told me he ran into my mother at the grocery store and he was going to say hello to her, but he said, she looked very grumpy and angry so he didn't...and he laughed about it. I told him, my mom has Alzheimer's and jokingly I said she always looks angry. His response was not to respond at all. Not even I am sorry she has Alzheimer's. They don't want to deal with emotions unless of course it is about their family.
During all this with my husband, I received more support from friends who called just to talk with me so I could talk about how I was feeling and coping with the situation. Not one of my in laws called me!!! I kept my fil updated every day after I came back from San Ramon, and the day that I brought my husband home, I called him in the morning to tell him I was leaving to pick him up and that I would have my husband call him when we got home. By 2:30pm, we were still at the hospital waiting for the dr. to come in. I called my fil to tell him we probably wouldn't be home until 5-6. I don't expect anything from them for keeping my fil informed, I would do it again because that is how I am. I had hoped that things had changed over the years, but I can see that even though my children are grown, I am not free from their disapproval of me. Detach, detach, detach!!
You did the absolutely necessary and humane thing to do under the circumstances. You have a lot on your plate, so I respectfully suggest that
you try to look at these people for what they are, "morons," and very selfish ones at that! Yes, it's a bummer when we realize that in our families, even in-laws they want to hold some bogus control about issues. Really try to ignore some of this,
try to move on into just focusing on your husband, because this is what really matters.
I do understand too, because I get this treatment from my own family, including mother (pre-ALZ). I never got any credit for anything, instead they have always looked upon my views and life style as being too bohemian. They have very conservative views about life in general. It used to bother me, but now I don't give a rats ass, to be quite honest, it doesn't matter to me anymore.
Many times our friends especially the ones who support us, are really family,
and I'm glad you have some of them.
Much Love & Light! Margeaux