The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Damn! I just tried to speak kindly into my fathers life and all he wants to do is fight and blame me about arguments we had while I was there. Threaten me never to write a check on their account. I said I would never do that it's their money and I haven't, he eluded to being in the process of having me removed from his accounts. I told him to go ahead they can pay their own bills, they can have me removed from the durable power of attorney for the medical and financial they were on their own. To call one of his sister to come take care of them I'm sick of every mistake I've made being thrown back at me. My father is so narcissist, abusive. He was a drunken alcoholic, and my mother beat the hell out of me as a child why should I want to help them!

Margeaux~ You are right. It is about their egos and pride. I am over it now. I took a long drive out in the country...it helps to blow off steam. I just reflected on how narrow minded they are...putting all the responsibility on the woman while the men just to go work, come home and do their own thing.

I can relate to the taking of meds for health issues but not watching the diet on a daily basis. My hubby takes his cholesterol meds, uses a patch for high blood pressure, the pills for diabetes plus an injection of insulin. He admitted to me that he takes additional insulin injections so he can eat ice cream. I went with him to the dr. earlier this year when he RX insulin. He told him once a day...anytime of the day but to be consistent and only once.

The only reason I updated them is because I felt I owed that to my fil when hubby was in the hospital. However, I will take an approach with him/them that is unemotional to protect myself. That is all I feel i owe them since they treat me as they do. I let my armor down with them this last week and i will do everything i can to prevent it from happening again.

My son plans to be here for a week and I am off next tues, wed., and thurs. I hope we can do something together one day. Yosemite is out due to the shut down but maybe a state park.

Tonight I am making shredded chicken, spicy Asian noodles with lots of veggies. No soy sauce...I so dislike it anyway, it is too salty for my liking and hubby will have to learn to do without. Instead i bought a salsa with tomatoes, cactus, and peppers. The noodles are already cooked so all I have to do is rinse them and add to the stir fry mixture. Less carbs this way.

Thank you for your support everyone, I had to vent this because bil's visit was a final straw for me during this last week.

Love and Hugs to you!!!

Zoolife~I kind of understand your situation. My mother being the one with a personality disorder, accused me and sis of stealing from her and this was just in the early stages of Alz. She threatened many times before the Alz, to disinherit us, remove us from the DPOA. I responded just as you did....go ahead...I don't need your money, I have my own support. She never followed through which was typical of her...she liked to threaten...but never followed through.

Your situation with you living far away is complicated. Do I understand you right that you lost your job? That is horrible if you did because it does complicate things more for you. I don't know your situation in regards to having DPOA and if your parents/or one of them has been diagnosed as mentally incapacitated.

Do your parents have any friends that they truly trust? I ask because, in my case...If it was not for a former co-worker of my mothers and a volunteer with the organization we are all familiar with...every I post who they are, this website changes it to insurance....you know the organization that starts sending you info to become a member when you reach 50 yrs. They help seniors with low cost insurance, and other things? Anyway, this woman is a volunteer with them and she has done my mother's taxes every year for free. I contacted both of these women...they already knew my mom had dementia so they worked with me by keeping me informed of what they were seeing with my mother during this transition period of mom not trusting me and sis to help her with her finances. Mom trusted people who were her peers instead of trusting me or sis. She didn't think we were capable of understanding her finances...to mom we are still six years old. Then her personality disorder was a problem because she saw herself as a victim especially with family members.

I am sorry you are going through this, I hope you come back to share some more!!
Hugs to you!

Ah, yes! I love the saying "Friends are the Family we Choose for Ourselves". So true for me. I have a couple friends who have been through similar situations with their parents, and they have been a great resource. I also have friends who sympathize even though they've had a different experience, and then there are those whose eyes glaze over if I start to mention anything about Mom. I have learned that a) nobody wants to hear me bitching all the time b) learn who are your true friends who are helping you learn and grow. I have had to overcome the urge to talk about the situation. Heck she could live to 100 and does anyone want to hear about this situation over and over for the next 8 yrs? emphatically NO.
I am so happy to have this outlet, to express my frustrations and not be judged. Sometimes you just need to vent, even though you know it's not going to change/fix anything.

Yes...getnstrong!!! I have relatives who just don't want to hear it. Their eyes glaze over, they make light of it...simply because they themselves have not had to deal with the hard issues and possibly never will. Take care!!

Wow!!!...My sil sent me a private message via FB. She said my husband is lucky to have me.....I am floored!!! I told her I really appreciate her saying that and that I love her!! Wow!!!

Speaking of eyes glazing over and family with completely false ideas of what will get them in better health, mom's sis, an RN thinks taking mom for a brisk walk will get rid of the cobwebs! OMG, she's got to be kidding, she does good to get 300 or 400 feet in 15 minutes. Almost like I would expect someone with ADD to do, has to stop every few steps to look around. Auntie also thought a hike in the woods would take care of the problem. I think auntie is in denial and may fear what may be coming for her down the road she is nearly 20 years younger, a whoops.

Sharynmarie, Thanks, yes I was fired from my job of 13 years within 5 days of being in Virginia to care for my parents, claiming job abandonment. My leaving was approved all management knew about the difficulties I'd had since Feb of this year. My father is angry I called the agency that I set up to go out 3 times a week to cook and clean. My father tired to seen the physical therapist away this week. He apparently was aggressive to the women the nurses aid had to explain to him you can't talk to people like that. I ask his veterans doctor is there something you could give him to sedate him, he said at my fathers age they don't like to do that. I ask him then to give me something LOL. I tried calling them back 3 more times they wouldn't pick up the phone so I left a kind message letting them know I love them I hope things will get better, that I'm here for them. But when my father gets like this it doesn't matter, he will just keep on, so I'm not going to contact them. I'm meeting with another elder attorney in Texas Monday. I was going to try to get the paperwork started for them to receive more funding to help with medical care. I don't want to talk to them he's already angry, mean, then so suspicious when I tell him what the attorney charges for the irrevocable trust he recommends, my father will just blow up again, I'm just tried of the abuse. It would be one thing if he suddenly due to dementia started acting like this but he's always been this way not its just exacerbated, and triggers my depression and anxiety. It's hard to heal, up look for work, do everything I need to take care of myself. It is what it is, hopefully I will get a break at some point. Thank you Sharynmarie for your kindness. Blessing to you all!

Zoo-
How can they claim job abandonment if management knew about it. And have they never heard of the Family Medical Leave Act? I would find an attorney to represent you in that, get lost wages and maybe your job back. If you can document that you told them, I wouldn't think it would be a problem.

I've kept very good documents, they made a huge error! But I won't let this go, I'm not a victim when there is something I can do to protect myself!

Wow...missed a lot again! First - welcome getstrong...your mom sounds like mine - I am just starting counciling - had my 2nd session and told her about my nightmare dentist trip. She believes my mom is also (along with alcoholic narsisstic) borderline personality too. Had never heard that term but she had me get the book "I hate you, don't leave me". I also have " will I ever be good enough". So hard to read tho - makes me sad and resentful.

After the nightmare trapped and abusive car ride my mother called me wanting her stuff, then she got the letter I wrote setting my boundaries and she did the shame and blame- I'm sick and I know you hate me phone call, then the next day - where's my stuff? Wow - really? Not in her soul at all to say I'm sorry for anything. Will be a long time before I go back.

Sharyn - so glad your sil said that to you! You need support now - not any criticism. It's so easy to throw out accusations instead of compliments. We have personally eliminated almost all of our family members - except our kids of course - we are so much better off. Family can be so hurtful and their words cut through us like a knife.

One of my moms few remaining friends told me to choose life...my life - she is a wise woman! I wish she had been my mom!

Today is a very sad day for we got news that mom is on her deathbed and could die anytime. I've spent most of the day in her nursing home room and have come home to sleep. My step-dad is in denial which does not surprise me.

Love and hugs to all.

((((((((cmag))))))) I know you have been anticipating this for a while, but no one is ever ready for it. I pray your mum has a peaceful end and that you and your family are at peace too. Keep us updated.

Cmagnum,

This is sad news. I know that you have had a difficult time with the state of her health lately. O.K., my friend, I will keep you and yours in my thoughts.

Big hugs to you,
Stay strong!
Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Thanks! I will keep you updated. I don't think my step-dad has ever seen my mother's will. He is in for a shock that she left him nothing, but left everything she owns, ever bought, was given or inherited to me. Plus, a decade ago, she made me joint owner with right of survivorship of her personal accounts and securities which means that does not go through probate. Also, she did not leave anything to my step-siblings which does not surprise me. She never really accepted them.

Just heard from the nursing home that my mother died at 10:15.

My deepest sympathies, cmag. May God bless you all. I know it has been a long and difficult journey. (((((((((hugs))))))) don't worry about your stepfather and step sibs. Not your problem. You will have enough to deal with making arrangements and so on. Just look after you.

I already have an appointment to meet with the funeral home in the morning at 10am.

Good for you. They are usually very helpful. Hope you get some sleep tonight.

cmag, so sorry for your loss.

So sorry for your loss.

Cmag, soooo sorry about your mom. {{HUGS}}

Cmag so sorry.. Hugs...

Cmag~i am sorry for your loss. Sending prayers and thoughts to you during this sad time.

Cmagnum,

I am very sorry about the passing of your mother.
She is at peace now.
May her spirit soar very high!

Take care of yourself,
Big, big hugs, my friend,
Much Love & Light, Margeaux

Sad1~I remember reading a lot of books by John Bradshaw when I was going through therapy. I cried so much reading those books...it is hard work.My therapist was interactive...she would role play where she was one of my parents. She would yell at me the things I told her my parents would say to me...then she would yell out...HOW DID IT MAKE YOU FEEL?? TELL THEM HOW IT MADE YOU FEEL!! I would yell back at her how it made me feel, what they did to me,etc. It really helped to get my anger and pain out. This type of therapy may not be for everyone, but it sure worked for me. The only thing I did not get from therapy was coping skills....that may be because I did not know to ask about it. When I came home after a session with her, I was so exhausted, I would sleep for a couple hours.

I learned a long time ago to keep my in-laws at a great distance. My relationship with my mil was great until my son was born. After his birth, I learned my in-laws did not have confidence in me to take care of a baby. A month after my son was born, my mil/fil went on vacation to GA, this is where fil was born and all his relatives live. When they came back...my fil told me that my mil worried the whole time they were gone about whether my son was being taken care of. That was a big blow to my self esteem and I realized then that all the things my mil said to me was just lip service...she didn't believe in me to be a good mother to my children, or a good wife to her son. My in-laws attitude toward me was passed on to my sil, bil, and their children, and the relatives in GA. I have strict boundaries with them and proceed with caution.

I am glad therapy is working out for you and that you get her support and feedback. You are doing a great thing for yourself and how you handle your mother. There will always be days when you don't want to see or talk with your mother and that is ok. If you are not up to it on certain days, my experience has been, it is best not to see my mom. Hugs to you, take care!!

Sad1, atleast your therapist gives you the names of the books. Mine gives me these vague books that I can read and promises to email me the names. So far, nothing. Yesterday's therapy, she said that she found some workbooks that would be perfect for me in my current therapy ...except she didn't bring it to our meeting place. Again..I have a feeling this will be another "no show." Unfortunately, my therapist runs with the current local lifestyle - late for meetings (100% - yesterday was the worst - 40 minutes late), and promises to email info and doesn't. A bit frustrating but I do get along with her. I'm comfortable with her to open up - unlike the other therapist. She gives me such broad assignments and I ALWAYS come back - finding out that MY interpretation and HER's our soooo different. Problem is that I spend HOURS researching the assignment, and then find out weeks later that that is not what she meant. Hello?! It's not like I can read her mind... {{ laughing }} even though that is one of my "personality problems." =)

Yesterday, in therapy, I mentioned to her about mom's funeral, how uncomfortable I was during the viewing as my siblings stood there staring at mom. How I was all over the place until baby bro noticed me staying outside the perimeter. He asked if he hug me and I just stared at him. And he hugged me tightly right there in front of everyone (front of the altar at church). Since then, he has twice told me that he loved me. And how I cannot say it back to him. She said that some people cannot say the words but their actions reflect it. So she asked me if I have shown my brother how much I appreciated those words to me. I shook my head. So, after therapy, I went to Kmart and bought baby bro's favorite local snacks. I will mail it to him some time next week.

She asked if I send him emails. I shook my head. I have been very negligent of my off-island siblings since I found this site. It was this site that helped me get thru my caregiving. My siblings heard my cries for help and did nothing. Out of sight, out of mind. It was this site that where I could vent and you ALL understood where I was coming from, and gave advice to help me handle the parents. I had previously told all my sibling my suicidal thoughts and they did nothing...but this site was the one who literally pulled me off the edge of the cliff. I had already the PLAN - when, where, how, etc.... I had it down to where my body would be found still in good condition to be identified and not rotting and liquified inside a car at the side of the road (like one person did here on island.) And I got some very hard truths that helped pull me away from the edge. So, since last year year, I have turned to AC for all my anger, resentments, solace, comfort, etc...no longer my family. Then when mom died, my siblings gave me lip service. The money from the funeral would go to me since I put my life in hold for over 23 years - they told me. When it came, they decided to keep their portion of the money - except baby bro gave me his. I learned how my siblings truly were when mom died. I got hurt more. Again, I came to AC for help. I went to therapy with the thought of helping me to overcome this anger towards my siblings. I don't want to hate them. I just want to accept them "as is" and how to protect me from them and their actions. Instead, therapy is more about taking care of me. Okay..eventually, we will reach that goal of learning to accept others for what they are.

I will go back to sending emails to my siblings...

Sharyn, my therapist mentioned role-playing. I reacted so quickly to it - that she backed off. She hasn't brought it up again. I don't think I'm ready for that. Too fast, too soon.

Sorry for your loss cmag. Back in January we went through the process with my father. It is never easy. Take care.

Sorry for your loss Cmag... please know you are in my prayers, and please remember to take care of yourself.... sending you lots of hugs.