notrydoyoda Posted January 2012
The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?
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When you parents give you their POA and they have been diagnosed with dementia and it has become bad enough that they truly cannot make good judgement calls then you just have to step in and take over and this is hard because now you are going against your parents wishes. You have to remember though, that they are no longer competent and you HAVE to make the decisions for them and they are going to have to live with what you have deemed to be in their best interest. Dealing with an abrasive demanding father can be overwhelming and I am glad I did not have to deal with that, but if your father is not of sound mind, you may have to tell him that he is NOT going to fire the people you have hired, he is going to have to live with it. Have you had a talk with his doctor and is he not of sound mind? It can get to be the crazy leading the crazy if he and your mother are both in the same situation.
Your father may honestly have to be put on medication to control him or you are going to wind up in the hospital with a nervous breakdown. My Mom is turning 85 and weighs less than 100 pounds and can get to me so bad that I am literally shaking and have to remove myself from the room. I feel for you and your situation, it is not easy.
The vividness of colors here they say are attributed to the amount of rain, temps, etc. Some years are much more spectacular than others.
Thank you so much for asking for moi and mother.
I can't, and refuse to complain! Although, I did get a little sad last week.
Remember that adorable black cat, I wrote about....the neighbor's cat.
He was the one who came over after our own Vanilla died back in Feb.,
started jumping our garden fence every time while we were really missing Vanilla. His name is Osiris. Well, his owner's and he moved. Anyway, I really didn't want to get into realizing I was missing this cat, but I was. Oh well, for the time that he visited, and I was close to him long before he jumped our fence.
So I am thankful.
According to my sister my mother has been giving her a hard time regarding, eating. Now that mother no longer has a gallbladder, my sisters finally realized how important it has become to put mother on a way more bland, and gentler diet. So mom is protesting, by making faces at the food, then not eating.
She doesn't even want to drink the Ensure. I guess this in part too, is the fact that mother especially while her sister was still alive was eating lots of take-out kind of food. Then, also living there at mom's is my sister's youngest daughter.
She is soooo overweight, I'm afraid a very unhealthy weight. She eats whatever the heck she wants, then my sister I'm sure is cooking other things, so there you have it, the temptation, also.
My sister did put it to me about mother's not wanting to eat as total lack of cooperation, and saying that mother is beginning to act like our aunt. Even if mom isn't cooperating, I doubt she is like my aunt. So I guess my sister had to get rather tough with mom, and told her that she needed to cooperate, that she needs to eat, or else she will become too frail. I'm thinking.....it could be the ALZ, also, maybe next level. But you see.....my sister never figures this factor into it.
Hopefully your husband will start to educate himself about his diet.
I am so happy that you have been able to spend time with your son, and that it has been good.
Take care,
Much Love & Light! Margeaux
I admire the advocacy, and the true friendship you have honored with your 86 yr.
old friend. This must be very difficult for you, then also your own disabilities.
I am curious, did you have a written agreement with her of any kind, as to being paid as her caregiver? I have read other situations where either a relative, or a friend as in your case has really done a lot and really....if there's money to be paid, I'm the first one to agree on this topic, one should be paid. But then, according to laws and when the courts become involved this can become so convoluted. Were you working for the Catholic Charities?
I hope you can resolve this.
Meanwhile..take care of yourself,
Much Love & Light! Margeaux
I am making a whole turkey breasted today...homemade bread stuffing but not a large amount of stuffing and no mashed potatoes and gravy. Low sodium
My son will visit his grampa today at 3. And my sil will stop by to see him too.tomorrow we will go see my mom and the rest of the day he can go se some friends and I can catch up here at home.
I am glad your mom is doing well. You are probably right that it is the Alz disrupting her eating. I think the vision issue my mom has is also a result of the Alz misfiring her brain.
Well you take care and my thoughts are with you.
There are aspens where we are in Northern Alberta. They are quite widespread. Very pretty in the fall.
I stopped serving extra carbs years ago. I usually do a stuffing -apple and onion - and leave out the rolls and potatoes. Lots of veggie work too -homemade cranberry sauce, brussel sprouts, a salad, turnips, and skim the fat off the gravy. I have done a carrot and turnip (rutabaga actually) mash which the kids liked and I less carbs than potatoes. I think we will have a turkey in the middle of next week as Gary and also 2nd son and wife will be out of town. I made a pumpkin ice cream and am still wondering if I like it. I think I will take dd and family out for a meal soon. I don't feel up to having the bunch of them over yet, As some may remember ds and dil will not come here if dd is here. Dysfunctional families aaaaargh!!!
Welcome to the new posters. You are all a stalwart bunch for tackling what you do. My motto is "Look after yourself". The whole caregiving thing is so stressful under any circumstances, and few have supportive families/siblings.
Have heard no more from my is since I told her I would be travelling with G. Still waiting to hear that the mental health team has visited mother. She called the other day and said she would be happy to see me. I said G and I be down there and see her at the end of this month, by which time I should be recovered. I certainly don't want to give this bug to her.
Nice fall weather holding. Long may it last!
"get" nice to have another person in their 70s here. Absolutely fight against it getting you down.
Special prayers for you cmag, and your family. The funeral will be over by now aand I know you still will have a lot of work with your mother's estate.
To all love and hugs
Love and hugs to all
I personally have stopped communicating with two friends from the Keys where I lived for 5 yrs. We have nothing to really communicate about but the same old conversation, and I've come to the conclusion that people are in our lives "for a time". They come through for some purpose--maybe a lesson we have to learn, or maybe just because we have something in common with them. My life has changed so much since the early 90's. I used to hang on to friends, as if having this thread of a friendship made me feel better about myself. "see, how many people like me?" (I am not in any way suggesting that you have that weakness) Now all these years later, we are no longer actively a part of each others' lives, and you can only talk about the past so much. Like going to a reunion. I found that after "so where are you living now? do you have a family?" and nonsense like that, I had little in common with them any more, and frankly don't care.
Lately I feel ready to "let go" of so many things, people, ideas, etc. It feels very freeing. So perhaps Jupiter is in alignment with Mars, or the universe is swiveling on a different axis or something, but I am aware that many people are undergoing changes at this time. Some welcome, some perplexing, some disappointing.
The real true friends in my life have been there through all of life from the time we met, whenever that was. And the rest have their own agenda. OK, now I'm just blabbering......good night, all.
Joan-i am glad you are feeling better. The flu already...I hope the flu season is not too bad. I had a bad flu once, with pneumonia...not fun at all.
Our aspens are scattered over the sierras, some are hard to get to due to the terrain.
We didn't miss having mashed potatoes and the small amount of stuffing I put in the breast cavity was perfect for the 3 of us without being too much extra on the carbs. The veggies I made, hubby and my son both thought it was rice,lol! I grated up green and yellow zucchini, carrots bell pepper and onions and added sun dried tomatoes with garlic and baked it at 450. They both ate it up thinking it was rice.
Ballnchain-welcome to the thread! You are wise to back away and just visit your mother at your leisure enjoying the time together. My sister started to get a little forceful with our mom when mom was diagnosed as incapacitated due to Alzheimer's. She found out mom may be mentally incapacitated but she can still put up a good fight if you try to force her to do something. Sis and I work togetheras dopa, she being the primary, me secondary. Sis lives out of town so I take mom to most of her appiontments. Mom is in memory care now as sis and I both have to work. Sis has health issues too and she takes care of all the financial which I am glad. I think I have the easier job of taking care of the medical.
Even though I've had to handle transferring assets, rehabbing her house, her diagnosis and placement, I've been pleased that I've done a good job. So, what's the problem?
Mom verbally and abused me from the moment I was born. I've had emotional/mental illnesses and in treatment for 35 years. I am handling my life well and dealing with people in a positive way. I've dealt with mom's abusive behavior and learned ways to cope....which has include limited time with her.
It is hard for me to separate her dementia symptoms from the way I was treated all my life. Yes, they are worse and happening to others as well, but mostly my brother and I get the rage lambasted on us. As I read posts about how to deal with repeating stories, for example, I want to scream! I won't continue to listen to how I have done...blah blah blah..and am a liar and deceiver and a member of the selfish generation...etc. I am frustrated with her constant putdown of anything that goes on at the Residential home. Everything is a twist of the truth, negative, and paranoid. So, this is dementia? But, this was my life as a child. Did she have dementia then? Do I treat her the same as I've learned in the last 35 years or do I need to adapt because it's now medical? Granted, she has only been diagnosed and placed for about 2 months. but I have so many questions that are rolling around in my head. Unfortunately, I can't find a support group in my area. I need help so that I don't slip back into an overwhelmed stupor!
Many here understand your dilemma as they have been abused since childhood. My mother does not have Alz but has had Borderline personality Disorder and narcissism all her life. Now she has been diagnosed with paranoia, and is barely competent. I believe this is due to aging. I have found that I do best by being honest with mother and by setting boundaries which is what I have learned over the years I have to do for my own protection. I wasn't sure how to deal with the paranoia, but finally ended up gently but firmly telling her the truth. It is what works for me at present. . If my parent was in the last stages of Alz, I don't think it would work.
However one constant is that no one has to take abuse. I wouldn't scream or let your frustration build to that degree. I have told mother that if she is nasty to me, I will not visit her. Mother also finds fault with everything around her. I may listen for a short while, then change the subject or tell her I think they are doing the best they can and over all she is well cared for. If she gets mad at me I leave, or cut off communication for a while. Even if your mother is in early stages of Alz she will recognise boundaries I believe. In any case, you do not have to stay in her presence and listen to things that upset you. Many times I (and others) do not answer phone calls, or emails, and/or remove ourselves from their presence to preserve our own sanity.
Dysfunctional parents use FOG fear obligation and guilt to manipulate others. Practice recognising these and not reacting to them. Detach from her and set boundaries.
some ideas about detaching -
Accept that they are responsible for their own choices
Anger –deal with it in a healthy way
Blame –don’t blame and don’t accept blame
Consequences – face them and see that others experience them
Decide what you are willing to do and what you are not willing to do
Detachment is not a feeling so much as a choice of behaviours, though the feelings should follow the behaviours. Detachment means you can maintain positive behaviours towards to others –kindness, compassion,
Don’t take on blame, guilt, manipulation, anger - don’t enable
Focus on yourself
Forgive, but don’t forget the need to protect yourself
Grieve the relationship as it was, the hopes that you had, the mistreatment you received,
Refuse to be manipulated e.g, emotional blackmail
Respond, don’t react
Separate - physically, emotionally, spiritually, mentally, socially from others behaviours/feelings
Set boundaries
Say “No”
Space –create it between you and them
Try not to take the behaviours personally
Treat others and yourself with love and dignity
You can only control /change yourself – your emotions, your behaviours –do not take responsibility for the others feelings or behaviours
Realise it is a process and that you will make mistakes and get “sucked” in, but that you can learn from your mistakes.
As the disease progresses you may need to change your tactics.
(((((Hugs)))))) let us know how it works out
I am so focused on the health of my hubby, eating better, reducing sodium and carbs that I put my mom on the back burner. She has called me twice today. Not a problem because our conversations were pleasant. She has been at the community now almost 6 months. She still wants to go home which I expect that as long as she has a memory of her house. She called me early this morning, she was upset and close to tears. This is what is hard for me, when she cries, ,because she does not do that often. I am the emotional softy who cries easily, LOL!! She was sad because she said she had $10 and someone took it. She couldn't find it anywhere. If anyone took it, it would have been another resident because the staff has been great about not taking things. I know this because when we first moved mom in, my sister did not go through my mom's dresser drawers. After 3 weeks, I went through everything looking for keys we needed and I found a small jeweler box she had with a diamond wedding set and other jewelry. She had over a $100 in her wallet for a long time until I could get her to agree to let me put it in her accounts. Anyway, I told her this morning I would come over tomorrow with Midget and we would get this taken care of. She accepted that. She called again this afternoon, her concern is the blurriness in her vision. We talked about the surgery the eye suggested, she is against it and so am I. I really think her vision is Alzheimer's related because the eye dr. said she has had these little bumps on her eye for a long time. Getting her to wear an eye patch for week will be impossible, not rubbing her eye due to discomfort...she wont understand to not take off the eye patch. Maybe i will check out that prescription for moisture drops in the eyes and see if it may be a better alternative to using OTC moisture drops. Alzheimer''s messes with the brain so much as it progresses, since we have taken her to the eye dr. in last 3 weeks, I really do think this is part of the disease messing with her vision.
I tried calling my old friend in Texas, but she didn't answer for whatever the reason. I will not call again...the ball is in her court now. No big deal as too many years have gone by since we have talked and our lives have taken different directions. I didn't expect her to call me last night when she asked if she could call. Anyway, if it is meant for us to make contact by phone, it will happen. Have a good day everyone!!!