The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

I agree, nothing should be off topic here. We all are dealing with dysfunction in one form or another and sometimes we talk about general info or just is going on in our lives that has nothing to do with caregiving. We need that because it is a vital part of our lives too. Hugs

Sharyn-
Sorry your friend is Texas is never available. I have high school friends that live within a mile of here. I run into them when in the grocery store, etc sometimes. They always say they will drop by when out for a walk. This is one of the consequences that I must pay as a caregiver. My situation is uncomfortable for them as well as my mom's condition. One day, this too shall pass.

AndGlad-thank you for your kind words. I thought maybe because she called me immediately after asking me on facebook and I didn't hear my cell phone ring..she may have thought I didn't want to talk. I really didnt expect her to callimmediately and my cell for some reason shuts off the ringer when not in use. I am not going to worry about it. If it ia meant to be it will happen.

Do any of you have any ideas of what I can do with photo albums of my deceased uncle...I never met him, he had no children but I don't want to toss them out either.

My uncle also had Alz...his wife died in their home and he was living in the house for 2 days before a neighbor discovered his wife had died. The state of PA contacted my mother here in CA as she was the only living relative who could make decisions (this was in 1998). Please get your family members to get DPOA written up...it is so important. Anyway my mom worked with the state of PA authorities to place my uncle in a facility and they kept my mom informed of his condition and followed her wishes for his care. My mom was taking care of my dad at this time who also had Alz.

What can I do with these photos??

Sharyn-
I would take them to a shop, have them scanned and put on a dvd. My aunt did that with many old, old, photos, added music, etc. This would be wonderful Christmas gift for many in your family, shopping done!

glad~I like that idea. Even though I didn't know this uncle, he is part of the family history and I also have some old photos of my mom when she was growing up and of her parents, which I also never met. My children and nephews told me they wanted copies of the photos of my mom and her parents. This would be a great way to give them a history along with the copies of my search on ancestry site. I only have a couple photos of my dad when he was still in N. Ireland (one pic of him wearing a kilt) but I have a copy of ship manifest that he came on to the US. Now you got my creative juices flowing...thank you!!!

My aunty is also doing that with old photos. She has given me several DVDs. One of it even has background music. She put the old photos mixed with their current photos. She's also emailed me her e-album so that I can look thru it. I tried to copy and paste some photos but I couldn't. And some I could. Go figure. I don't even know what I'm doing that was right to be able to copy it.

I have made one copy of my ancestry search for my niece, haven't sent it yet, LOL!! I can now add to the paper history with some pics of the family members. It is hard to connect to pics of people you don't know but sometimes having the paper history helps to make it more real in our minds.

By the way, I forgot to mention it here, but have you all seen the new video that's gone viral the past couple of days? I had a difficult time finding one in which I could open it. The YouTube ones - I tried one after another and couldn't. I finally found one that was Inside of a news story. It is sooo neat. I watched it several times only because I didn't know where to look when it was happening. So many actions involved and I didn't know who to look at.

Google: Carrie prank at coffee house.

By the way, Sharon, my aunties had set up an ancestry link for us. I forgot my password. But, it's linked to our email. When someone adds a photo or anything on our ancestry tree, it would send us an email that so-and-so added ....comments or photos. Then I can log in and read what it.

If you're interested in this family tree program, it's called: Genie.

I'm finding myself all over the place emotionally following my mother's death and I am so glad that my nosy step-brother has not called to push the issue of finding out what is in my mother's will which does not include him or his dad. I'm glad this site has an article about probating a will and it is very practical.

https://www.agingcare.com/articles/estate-administration-probate-after-death-in-family-153107.htm

I am still waiting to get a certified copy of the death certificate because the doctor has not signed off on it yet. How frustrating! I need to start probating the will for it only gives me 60 days to remove what the will says I've inherited from the house, out of the house. Also, there are some joint ownership accounts and investments which need dealing with that were owned by my mother and I with right of survivorship. This will probably anger my step-brother and step-father, but that is how she set things up.

Cmag-
Your mom made these changes for a reason. It will be quite the shock to other family members, I'm sure. Best wishes with all of it!

Cmag, sorry for the hell you must be in, and I can fully understand being all over the place, put my mother in nursing home, and I have been all over the place, did I, should I, could I, maybe she does not have alzheimers, maybe it was only a UTI, all over the globe. I would get a hold of my lawyer that has the will, that is if you have one, and he will proceed with probate. If you are the exector, he will advise you on each turn. I would take the time to grieve your loss, don't even think about the other family members, now take care of yourself and do what you have to do. New chapter ahead and it is your call if you want any of these relations in it. Take it easy on yourself, least that is what I tell myself a million times, just saying it to you affirms my own need.

I'm very glad that after much searching to have found my mother's will a few years ago. She had hidden it in a safety deposit box where her mother lived since it was written in 1979. In 2008, she asked her brother to mail it to her. She went into the nursing home in the spring of 2009 following a broken hip. Tomorrow, I will see a lawyer. Yes, this is a new chapter in my life. Thanks for everyone's support.

Cmag~I can understand your emotions being all over the place. Losing a parent is very hard. Take all the time you need. Your step brother and step father can get angry if they want. You are the one who has been there for your mother, seen to her care,etc. They should not even question it or ask you anything about it. Take care of yourself and God Bless!

Unfortunately I am going to have to have mom's phone removed from her room again. She is calling my sister as early at 6:30am and as late as 8:30pm. While mom is not being combative, my sister can't handle it...( I probably couldn't either). My sister feels she is being harassed, she can't understand why our mom can only talk about the same old thing....going home...getting her dog back. She tries to change the subject but our mom is focused on these issues and sis can't handle it. I understand about getting constant calls from mom because she has done that to me too. I do admit that I have trouble being sympathetic/emphatic with my sister...Why??? Probably because she is too much like our mom and sees herself as a victim here. Again...I know my sister has health issues, but I do have a hard time understanding why my sister has the energy and time to go out with friends (which she does deserve to do), but her health is always an issue when it comes to coming down here to see mom. I don't know. I am going to arrange for a phone to be put in mom's unit that allows her to receive calls but she can't call out. I know I don't like being woke up at 6:30 am on my days off. A big part of the problem is sis is handling the finances and mom has always been concerned with money because she did the finances all her adult life. Mom has been calling again recently but only twice a day. If I am at work when she calls, she leaves a message saying, well I guess you don't want to talk with me either. These messages really bother my sister. I know my mom does not understand that I am at work, my sister takes it more personal. So to make it easier, I will check on replacing the phone with one that can only receive calls. I do not know if the community provides this type of phone or if we have to buy it somewhere. What started all these phone calls recently is my mom says someone stole $10 from her. Sis and I both agree that mom only had $7 on her. I gave her the $7 a couple months ago when my sister asked me if I had cash to her our mom. I only had $7 on me that day...then sis turned it around saying...I should have been the one to give mom the money not you. Anyway, my point is...mom only had $7 and she probably hid it somewhere and forgot where she put it. I am going see her Tuesday when I take her to a podiatrist appt. I will search her room then and talk with staff about the phone.

Cmag - thanks for the info about estates from this site. I copied the link and noted it down on my "Helpful Answer - AC" File..right on the very top paragraph.

Sharyn, I'd like to give you a "bright" side to your mom calling you all. At least she's calling you at home and not at work. SOMEONE gave my father my work phone number. He hasn't called me in a long time at work. I have Both my cell phone numbers on the board. Nowhere can I see my work phone. Now, he calls me at work for the simplest things that can wait until I come home. I was so pissed off at both of them. Unfortunately, sis fled when my mouth started. Too bad, because I think she gave him my work number. I did tell father that if he continues to call me at work, I will go next door to brother and tell him that I'm leaving and he can take over father (as originally planned - I care for mom, bro care for father). That just pissed off father because he has verbally disowned bro-of-next-door.

and to add on bright side of the calls, at least she still knows how to use the phone, my mom sadly, does not.

Yes, I guess that is the bright side of it on the calls, I guess I am glad my mother can call the police when her donut and tea are not there in time.

Madeaa, I giggled about your mom calling the police.

Father would call the hospital, the clinic's doctor, the home supply store, and even the surveyor (who surveyed our land to subdivide it over 32 years ago) I was happy with father calling OTHER people. But now that he's including me, it is not sooo funny, anymore. Gladimhere, I was actually sooo relieved that when he had UTI, he forgot how to use the phone...He didn't call anyone to harrass them for several weeks. Well...he's baaaack!

My mom threatens to call the police to get her out of the community but she most likely won't do it. If she did, I don't know what they would do...legally we can't force mom to live there without a conservatorship but I think if she did call the police and they investigated seeing she has Alzheimer's and is mentally incapacitated, I don't think they would intervene.

I have been doing some research on TIA's and mild strokes...wanted to know the difference. A TIA is a warning stroke, apparently the symptoms last a short time with no permanent damage to the brain and the clot dissolves on its own. A mild stroke will cause permanent damage like with my hubby's speech and while all clots will dissolve on their own in time....getting to the hospital and treated ASAP is important to reduce the damage. The TPA injection hubby received breaks up the clots faster...just thought I would share that info if anyone else was wondering about the difference too.

Cmag I am so sorry to hear that your Mom has passed away-your relatives can get as angery and they want -you were the one who has been there for her all of your life-they will just have to accept what is-it is amazing to me how families act when someone passes on and think they are due something when they did not care about the person while they were with us.

Just a quick note. If you're interested in learning a free 5 am online course starting soon.... Google coursera. When in the site, search dementia. I just signed up for it with trepidation. I'm going to give it a try. I hope that I can keep up with the class.

Austin, thanks. We met with the lawyer today who said this will is very simple given the facts of joint ownership with right of survivorship for both mom's personal bank accounts and investments plus the farmland being in a trust for me put together by my grandmother. All that is left is the car, silverware, china, some furniture, etc. So, the lawyer is going to send my step-father a letter with a copy of the will in which he will ask when can I pick up the items listed above. He said that if we get a favorable response to the letter, then that is all we will need to do. If not, we will have to go through the expensive process of probating the will because of those personal items which to me is not worth it.

Love, Prayers and Hugs for all.

Last time my mom really tried to use the phone, over a year ago, she was going to call 911 to come pick up an agency caregiver! I can chuckle about it now, mom also tried to physically throw the woman out of the house. I then realized that I better let the police know about mom's disease just in case something similar ever happens again.

Cmag, I wish you peaceful, easy-breezy resolution/progress regarding the will.

About phone calls: the posts gave me a chuckle. My father DOESN'T call anyone - even when specifically asked to do so... he's stubborn as a mule, and seems to me he's getting more forgetful and showing signs of increasing cognitive impairment/confusion, and I think me and other siblings worry way more about his welfare than he actually seeks our help. Its a unique situation, I'm realizing: my dad would happily get "lost" one day, live in a homeless shelter, and never bother to mention he has children/family/home... or call me/us... Yeah, it kind of puts his abandonment of us kids as infants in a new light - he's the epitome of a Loner and always has been.

Sharyn, thanks for quickie synopsis of TIAs vs "real" stroke. Hadn't read or thought of it quite that way, I learned something.

My dad's house (my residence, too) is going through mold remediation. I'm going on 5-6 weeks of displacement, and learning about mold illness (no doubt I suffered from it during past 2+ years). I think when things are newly chaotic and stressful to me, it takes me awhile to adjust... I haven't felt like posting/sharing at all, even though I've been reading and still feel connected and like I have real friends on here... but geesh, I get worn down with the questions/uncertainty, in my own head, about the future, and wondering exactly how much I can keep giving to my dad's situation? In the past few weeks, I've planned out packing my stuff in a Uhaul trailer and driving away.

My younger bro felt little pity for me the other day, when he upped his dollar amount request to work on my vehicle. I lost it and yelled at him a little, cried at him a little. I've given so much, financially and other ways, to taking care of OUR father... he wanted $40 more than I'd offered/suggested to pay him and it felt like a stab in the heart. I remember when I would just GIVE him money, a couple hundred here and there, because I had more of it, and I knew he needed. I offered at one time in my life to send him to college - I would pay for it. My situation has drastically changed and no one else in my family seems to get it - I'm unemployed and homeless. My future is so uncertain. Younger bro's not a bad or selfish person in the least, but he doesn't get it... nor does older bro... who keeps focused on his own life and pursuits while putting me on the spot with demanding questions about when I will get certain things accomplished, and get dad moved on. I want them to understand I'm sacrificing, and keep doing it... but I don't think they get that idea at all. Ha! ;D So... thank goodness you guys do get it. I'm not looking to be a martyr, just looking for a sane, sensible, gracious exit to full-time caregiving life that I didn't see coming... this life just doesn't make sense anymore... the "mold situation" just brought things to an urgent state: it makes sense to move my dad NOW, or, just leave while he is living in guest room at bro's, let bro figure out what to do with him. I don't want to just leave. But I've been dreaming about it a lot the past week.

I'm rambling. ;D Feels a bit good to ramble on here again, lol. I hope everyone is well.

Emjo, just saw post from 5 days ago highlighting "some ideas about detaching." I've been reading but somehow missed that one, that batch of posts. Looks like a good slow read to let sink into my brain as I go to sleep tonight. I'm not really being "abused" by my father in the current situation... sure he yells and is ungrateful, but I'm not thinking of that petty behavior now... my dilemma has more to do with me giving too much that doesn't make sense in my particular situation... its so hard to determine where the boundaries lie here... I know the concept of "turning the other cheek", "do the right thing", "be a kind, giving person"... to what extent? Of course I don't really want to just run away. I don't want to be crazy, dramatic. I want to accomplish getting my dad into a stable situation where he can live for foreseeable future. Grrr. I guess I can hang tough... I've researched housing for him (hard to get info/help from HUD housing program when gov't is on vacation, I've learned) and, who knows? It may be that I can actually accomplish my goal, very shortly, and get things settled and sorted for him, and exit with my relationships with family as intact as they can be. It just feels like the entire "caregiving life" keeps springing new, chaotic, horrible, bad surprises and crisis on me.

Grrr.

On the plus side, I continue to deal with my mother, and my relationship with her, differently in the past few months. I most definitely learned some things and put them into action and I FEEL so much more understanding of my relationship with my mother. It doesn't confuse and hurt me like it once did.

(((Hugs))) to all, so glad you are all here.

Alison~You don't sound like a martyr!! You sound like a reasonable person who is looking for a sensible solution so that you and your father benefit. It is not your responsibility how your father chooses to react to what you decide. I know you have a great heart and want what is best for your father regarding his care. You also deserve to get on with your life!! You are being reasonable but yet you are dealing with unreasonable people. Hugs to you!!

The shot I was given was Lovenox (a blood thinner)

The signs of a stroke in the three times I had one were,

1stX ('98) inability to stand in shower accompanied by crying like a newborn baby (right-side hemiparesis.but did not last, weakness for 4-5 weeks) when temporarily my vocal chords no longer worked although I heard myself speaking (everyone else heard a newborn baby).

2ndX (00) blindness in my left eye lasted about 30 seconds (warning) afterwards doubted if it happened.

3rd X (8/17/01) no blindness, nothing with vocal chord, but left-sided hemiparesis, still 12 years later (but exercising every day to change it, but the shoulder is dropped (now they do Electric Stimulation Therapy right away to avoid the shoulder drop) will probably be permanent, nerve damage left eye, left corner of mouth, and left side.

4X5X averted now know the warning sign...for me are a general feeling of weakness, like coming down with a cold, vision haze when looking at lights mimics, coming out of a chlorinated pool (although you have not been in one)and looking at lights, there's just a dark halo around them, waiting for other symptoms, now I no longer wait to see if it is a cold, for me it is a stroke.
AND I DID NOT HAVE THE CRITERIA
low blood pressure, low cholesterol, thin, fit, worked out everyday,
but I had aortic stenosis (birth defect) and two corrective open heart surgeries under my belt, (a blood thinner, coumadin, which has never been therapeutic)
and I HAD ENDOMETRIOSIS.

Hope this helps.

Thanks for info. I am sure that not everyone fits the criteria. My hubby's family has heart disease and he has had HP since his 30's. I know other people who have had strokes that were fit, thin and no previous issues, who knows why it happens them.

How am I doing? Saw an attorney yesterday to sign paperwork to protect my folks assess. I put up 1000.00 of my money used the money my folks gave me selling my fathers guns to pay for this. Granted I have no income at this time or insurance I need money for my medicine. Trying to explain what I'm doing to help them is futile my father is so suspicious of everyone, now I'm the target once again by him to verbally abuse. Called my folks to check on them yesterday they told me that my mothers wallet is missing and they suspect Linda the care nurse. No matter how I phrase a question no matter what my tone my father and mother will fire back hateful assault, blaming accusing me now. My father now says he never told me to take those guns, he's angry I sold them he wants the money for them to pay for some doctors bills of which I have no idea what doctors bills they are referring to. Unless the bills are for calling the ambulances to get my mother off the floor. My heart is broken my own father accusing me of taking what he agreed I should sell those guns to pay for my trip back home. Everyone including his doctor knew I was leaving with them with my fathers approval. Dementia or not he has always been this way his sisters tell me the same thing about him. I will finish getting all of their legal work done hopefully it will be enough money to get them in a place till they die, after that I want nothing further to do with them. I've had so many doctors tell me to let them go they are so toxic. After the treatment I received last night I am done. Crying I got off the phone telling him to stop it this is too painful for me to listen to, he called me back later to insult me even further. I left them in better shape than I found them, my father has done nothing but complain as well as try to undo everything I set up to help them. I'm in worse shape than when I left to help them. As far a I'm concerned the state can have them. My health is in jeopardy if something serious happens to me it could take my life's savings.

Iwentanon~I don't know if the injection they gave my husband is the same as what you received, they just call it a TPA injection.

Zoolife~It does get to that point when you just can't handle the abuse any longer. Since you are looking in all the legal matters, be sure to check out what happens when the state takes over their care or check into a geriatric care manager. I have read where a geriatric care manager will see to an elder's care especially for those who live a long distance from their parents.