The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

TPA is a lifesaver when given right after a stroke-within 3 hrs. -it is amazing most hospitals do not stock it for ER pts. Lovenox is a blood thinner-helps but does not do what TPA does for an active stroke but can assist is preventing another stroke.

Austin~Thnak you for the info on the TPA. Our PCP told us that if they had brought my husband here to our local hospital, they would have sent him back to the Bay Area because our local hospital does not handle strokes. I am glad he was in Livermore when it happened because of shorter distance to the Sam Ramon stroke center. I agree, I think all ER's should have it available.

I went online yesterday and found there are several names,
but when I speak or write it is only of my personal experience,
as is almost everyone's, a personal journey.

I know that whenever, I have a surgical procedure done,
I am taken off of Coumadin, put on Lovenox shots
and then on a Heparin drip.

Coumadin is stored in the body and is maintained,
3 days of Lovenox (works for the day)
and Heparin (by the time you get heparin
there isn't any coumadin in your system)
and works as long as the IV is running.

When I was given the shot, I asked.
Now, I ask for it by name, just to be sure.

Sometimes in that journey,
we are not always comfortable or comforted,
and doctors are not gods, sometimes all
we can hope for, is help from our friends.

I talked with my sister about a phone for our mother where she can receive calls but not call out. We would have to order this phone online from the alzheimer'sstore. Sis decided to wait it wait it out...she does not want to take mom's right away from her regarding calling us. I see this as growth on my sister's part in being able to detach and ignore our mothers calls. I am not saying this is easy for anyone to do...learning to know the difference between our mother's needs and wants is important. My sister willing to deal with calls for now.

I agree, Sharyn. My father is very good at harrassing people at their work (doc, clinic, home care store, etc...) I let him be. If I took the phone away, he would become violent and take it out on me. For now, I prefer he keeps it in case he needs to call 911. Terrible to be bedridden and then cannot call for help if I or my sis collapse.

Book- this shows the decisions we must face as caregiversruemx having bounda

Sorry kindle again...my point is my sister some strength where it is not all about her. My sister has never been Willing strengthen herself, she has always been a victim...I am not saying any of us should put up with abuse...this is more about learning to know the difference between a persons whims. And unnecessary desires. It like with a child to some degree who is seeking attention and I told my sister that mom is worse on weekends because residents are getting visited by family and since I work weekends no one is visiting her including sis unless I initiate the visit because I am off. I hope that makes sense

Sharyn, maybe we can suggest for your sister to watch some of those Teepa Snow YouTube videos. Maybe if she watches it enough, she will have an idea of how to react with your mom.

I receive daily by email, the Word for the day:
With Great POWER comes Great Need to Take A NAP. by Rick Riordan

Book~LOL!! With GREAT POWER comes GREAT NEED to take NAP...is this why politicians are always taking vacations??

I will tell her about Teepa Snow. I don't know that she will watch it, she won't use her computer when she is at home. Maybe if she has a book, I could order for her to read.

I decided to do some research online about personality disorders because I have never been fully satisfied with the personality disorder I have labeled my mom to be....mainly because it says it is more common for men to have a schizoid or paranoid personality disorder. I discounted the borderline personality because the sources I was reading from always compared it to Marilyn Monroe. Well, a sex kitten, my mother is not, nor would she go on spending sprees. However, I did find a source yesterday that explained the Borderline personality disorder in more detail....and yes...I can relate to these symptoms much more closely as being my mother. Instability with interpersonal relationship, anger and more anger...abandonment issues, temper outbursts that are blown out of proportion or completely unwarrented, self image issues or lack of self image...my mother always wears very plain clothing so not to make herself noticable, but yet she wants to be noticed, wants attention and craves it. She never knew herself and has never been comfortable with herself, her own opinions and she would copy my style a lot when it came to crafts, decorating or gardening and my sister says she did the same with her. I wish we could have gotten my mother diagnosed before the Alzheimer's came into play...

Hey all,
a bit of good news for all of us family caregivers from NPR
http://www.npr.org/blogs/health/2013/10/16/235384054/family-caregiving-can-be-stressful-rewarding-and-life-affirming

Hi All - been gone again from the site and can't quite catch up - first - got through the reception in our backyard - and it was perfect - down to the 80 degree weather and no wind to allow for the Chinese lanterns to be flown off into the night sky - I highly recommend them for a special occasion! Beautiful and quite fun! All the hard work paid off and a good time was had by all!

sharynmarie - I just got that book on borderline personality disorders - and my mother accounts for about 4 - so if you put the few borderline with the narcissistic personality disorder (my mom has 7) - you have a hot mess! Any the description of your mother matches mine so much - down to the plain clothes and needing tons of attention (and outrageous outbursts). So hard to deal with - and hard for me to read these books. I too wish that I had figured out the issues of my mother (attributed it to alcohol) before her stroke. Now she is just crazy AND mean!

Sad1~After reading the details from this online source...It has really opened my eyes more about my mother. I am going to order some books on BPD. My mother is very different with me than she is with my sister. She always has been...my sis and I have discussed this many times over the years. My mother would share info with me about her childhood...she never did with my sister. I think the reason why is because I, from age 12 on, was the only child at home and I became like a surrogate spouse/parent to my mother. She poisoned me against my father from the beginning. What nurturing I got from her was basically her need to have someone in her corner. She did this to me and my brother who lives locally.

I have wondered if I also have a personality disorder like my mom simply because I had trouble with interpersonal relationships...or is it a learned behavior...IDK...I do know that I don't have the problems like I used to have. The self esteem issues are still there, Yes from what I have read about personality disorders is that usually a person will have more than one disorder and narcissism seems to always be part of it. I am going to continue to research and get some books on it.

Sharyn - you might be interested in the book Children of the Self-Absorbed: A Grown-Up's Guide to Getting Over Narcissistic Parents - there are actually quite a few books out there. The fact that you are on this site and even think you have a disorder to me - shows that you don't - just messed up from being your mothers constant admirer. From what I have read so far - when there are more than one child - they will latch on to the one that they can mold to a mini-me so to say - and as long as that child/adult keeps up their job as admirer and confidant all is good. Probably why your sister has more trouble. I started having problems with my mother when I started saying things - like No - you can't smoke in my house around my new baby! She was outraged. And the more I stood up to her - the more I was too sensitive or must be on my period - or my personal favorite - you must be going through menopause! LOL!

I started seeing a councilor - and she has helped with just hearing the stories - as an unbiased person - and explaining the disorders. She does a therapy that is suppose to deprogram your negative habits....going to try it tomorrow - will keep you posted!

it is EMDR: Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing

Sad1~Thank you...I am the one who started standing up to my mom in my twenties. It still is hard to think about these issues and how it has affect us growing up. I started holding my mother accountable years ago which resulted in us always fighting and my sister to interfere siding with mom. I was no longer expecting my mom to accept me as the person I am. However, my sister still is looking for acceptance.Because mom has Alz...I changed my approach toward her about 1.5 years ago and started treating her like everything was Alz related not her pd.It did change how mom reacted to me. I must admit because I have this connection with my mom that my sister does not have...I worry how my mom's passing is going to affect me since I tend to detach sooooo much from her so i can deal with the present situation.

I sent my sister all the info on BPD...she was shocked as I was. She couldn't believe how it so closely described our mother. While I have concerns about having it too, my sister denies having any of it...yet I see my sister having some of these symptoms especially with her relationships with men. She recently was having contact with a man from high school that she idolized. After just a couple of dinner dates...she attached herself to him and considered themselves a couple. He did not see it that way at all and even told her to slow down...........she didn't but when she discovered he was friends with other women, she didn't want him to call her anymore and told him so. She was angry because he did not call her regularly...he lives in Nevada, my sis in California. I told my sis she was expecting too much from this man...my sis is very against illegal drug use...he took her to a Jimmy Buffet concert in SF and smoked openly in front of her....weed...she accepted it. This is not my sis....I asked her why are you suddenly willing to accept him using illegal drugs when you wouldn't accept it with your first husband? It came down to her need to have a man in her life.

Thank you for the info...i will research it more and get books because my concern is that I may go into a deep depression as my mother progresses to end stages. My brother may too, he stood up for our mom against our father because mom put him in that position poisoning him against our dad when the the issues where really about mom...not dad. He can't talk about it even today without crying openly...he and I are like my dad...we are more emotional. Wow....this is eye opening and bringing up a lot of emotions...I still have a lot to deal with. Hugs!!

Sharyn - interesting that your mom does react that way to your sister and not you - I guess it is like my daughter - she just bites right back at my mom - always has - and mom just doesn't act at all like the monster I know with her at all! Weird. And when I was discovering all this for myself - read some of the narcissistic behaviors to my daughter - she didn't think my mom had them. Different prospective for sure! I think that I still look for acceptance from my mother - if I just did this - or that or acted differently - or wore my hair differently - on and on. It is sickening - and I get so mad at myself. I feel like a doormat.

Your sister sounds like she has major self esteem issues. I think that when we are raised by a parent such as ours there is definitely some residual yuck from it. My brother washed his hands of our mother and has never looked back - he could care less. I am the one with guilt and the feeling of obligation - when honestly I hold all the cards when it comes to her care etc. I have the poa and full charge of her assets etc, I guess I feel my dad looking down at me - and he babied (enabled) her so much I feel like I am just stepping into his shoes.

So sad for your brother, sister and yourself that your mom pitted you against your dad. do you have a relationship with him at all?

Sad1~unfortunately by the time I realized my mothers role in all this, my relationship with my father was so so...I would visit my dad at home when my mother was not there so we could connect better. He was an alcoholic but he was a basically loving except when my mom would incite him into an drinking rage to react against us kids because she would not discipline us herself. She emasculated my father and would tell him him he was a useless father, husband and because of the alcohol, he would become enraged. If she had left him alone (though is drinking was a health concern, he would not have reacted as he did), there would not have been the physical abuse that we suffered. My mother thrived on him physically abusing us because she did not have the backbone to discipline us...she wanted to be the good parent.

My father did get sober for about 12 years before he developed Alzheimer's. I would visit him privately to avoid my mother's interference. My brother did the same thing. When mom was around. it had to be all about her...I and my brother were not willing to give that to her any longer. I feel bad that my relationship with my father could have been so much better if mom had stayed out of it. When dad developed Alz, I and sis would take him out on weekends to get him away from mom and to give mom a break from caregiving,,,,it was always enjoyable and when dad was placed in a NH, I would visit when mom was not there. Usually 2x's a week...if I went when mom was there, it was all about her. She quit going during lunch time because the CNA expected her, like all of spouses or family members, to help my dad with his lunch...an intimate time together...mom wanted nothing to do with that so she quit going near lunch time and blamed the CNA's for being lazy.

My relationship with father came late but we had the relationship that was nurturing and I was able to be there for in his final stages of life. It do come late but late is better than not at all.

My mom called while i was posting this...it always takes a lot of of me to talk her down but I did it....Sad1...God Bless us for what we do!!

sad1~ My sister did not to accept things with mom either. She just wanted to blame her. You relationship with your mom sounds normal under the circumstances you are dealing with in regards to a personality disorder. I am happy that therapy is working for you..it is hard work...a lot of emotional digging and then getting through he pain and anger...You will get there in your own time. HUGS to you!!

Hi fellow caregivers! Been particularly interested reading Sharyn & Sad1daughter. Everything you say resonates so much with me. My father also treated my mother like the spoiled brat she was, letting her buy anything she wanted, letting her demean him and his whole family, and never defending himself, or us kids, or his family. He would always say "your mother is sick and she can't help herself". Maybe he was right (she is definitely sick), but he enabled her, making it worse on all of us. In his later years he would say, "maybe I should have socked her a good one in the beginning". Of course, that would not have been something he would ever do, and would not have helped, but he was aware that he might have handled her differently. Trying to please her was impossible then, and still is today. Often when I want to just walk away (as my brother did years ago), I think that Dad would want me to take care of her, and I do it for him, as well as for myself. I sometimes wish I was the kind of person who could just walk away, but I could never look myself in the mirror if I did something like that, so I continue to look for ways to cope or detach.
In "Surviving a Borderline Parent" it addresses the issue that as children of BPD parents, we may have some/many of their traits. When you grow up where there is no healthy way to deal with relationships, feelings, etc. it's impossible to know a better way. As I look back on my life, I can see now that my failed marriages were partly a result of my inability to express my feelings, dealing with frustration with outbursts of anger, etc. It was all I knew. Worst of all, I was so busy "looking for love in all the wrong places", that I didn't meet my kids emotional needs. I met their physical needs, but never talked about how they felt about things happening in our lives. I regret that to this day, as they in turn have had their own issues because of it. I thank God that as I've worked on myself, and learned about why I have done some of the things I did, etc. that I have good relationships with all four of my adult children. I can never get back those lost years, but I am grateful for their understanding that I didn't know any better, and for their forgiveness for my errors in parenting.
I know I will spend the rest of my life working on overcoming the effects of the way I was raised, but better late than never. Like the name says, I am getting stronger in just accepting that nothing will ever be enough to please my mother, so I've for the most part stopped trying. She will never be a good mother, but it is not her fault, as she really is sick. Now I just try to see that her basic needs are met, and work hard not to be sucked in when she tries to bait me into a conflict by criticizing me or my children, etc. It is sad, and I still grieve the loss of a normal childhood.
Caring for someone who treats you like they hate you is very, very difficult. Thank you both for your sharing. It means so much to me.

Wow- ...getnstronger. what you said is very powerful. It sums it all up. Yes while we have come to a place where we are our patent is sick, we have compassion for that but also recognize we have to deal with our own health, well being and our relationships with our children.

I am so happy you have a meaningful relationship with your children. It really is an on going process throughout our lives.

Yesterday I was woken up about 8:30 by some noise outside our bedroom window. It sounded as if a fire truck was leaving the area. Then I heard the definite noises of police coming through the property, with their walkie talkies. Oh boy that energy is so heavy, I sure could feel it. By now I knew something was happening on property. I stayed in the bed, as I'd been woken up out of a deep sleep, which lately is rare.

I peeked outside and saw a police car parked across the street. I already knew it most probably had to do with a neighbor we have in the back, (not the one we shared our cat) with, this is another one. She's a woman who must be in her mid fifties. Now she's a perfect example of someone who unfortunately became all sucked into the medical system for a whole variety of health problems. She used to drink, but gave it up some years ago. Now during her menopause, she was becoming very osteo arthritic for her young age, as it started in her forties, from what I understand. To this end, she became very addicted to some very heavy drugs from the morphine family. Anyway, she also had a lot of personal problems in her background, and completely alienated from her family of origin. She came to our state years ago from Chicago and was basically running from problems when she made that decision.

So, by now I'm getting my coffee on in the kitchen and stepped out into our garden. From our garden we have a good view of this woman's apartment.
I could definitely see police up there as she is on the 2nd floor.
I was now wondering whether our next door neighbor who also lives on our property, it's a 6 unit bldg.s was still at home, and had knowledge of any of this.
He's been close to this woman, helping her out, somewhat of a caregiver to her, when needed, they've known one another a very long time. Well, now I saw him up there also. Now I suspected something really terrible. Then, I even saw I'll now call this woman P, P's own friend the one who used to have Vanilla, they were friends from Chicago. One had recruited the other to come out to live in our state, many years ago. At seeing her up there, I could only imagine the worst!

I heard one of the officer's say coroner, ....P was dead.
Apparently our next door neighbor R, found her dead in her apt.
He would stay in touch with her, but about a week ago is the last time he says he heard from her. He had called her but there was no answer, on her line.
Sometimes he didn't like nocking on her door during the day, as it was a big project for her to come answer the door, given her incapacitation. But he did have a key to her apt. and keys to her car. He's been moving her car for years,
now when we have street sweeping. Well, yesterday since he'd not heard from her, he did go into P's place, found her deceased, and it sounds as if she'd been dead a couple days already.

To throw the ultimate mix into the day, yesterday happened to be my "B" day.
My husband had asked me what I wanted to do for the day. I thought a nice drive out of town, not too far would be great. Needless to say.......the day became too surreal for me. We didn't do that. But several hours after all the police activity on our property, then someone came for P's body. It was a very long, and sad day.
Then.....I felt pressured somewhat by my husband who kept suggesting things to do. He wasn't emotionally into P's, passing. He seems to think that since she was so sick and all of that, in other words, that she's in a better place.

My husband didn't even go to express anything, not even some curiosity about any of it to R. I'd already talked to R outside. Anyway, this attitude by my own husband really gets on my nerves, this isn't the first time he's done this. Even, when I'd start to almost cry yesterday.....he never came over to me to give me a hug, or acknowledge my pain about this. I wasn't super close to P, but in 2008, I did a bit of caregiving for her. Over the last 10 yrs., of knowing her I was feeling it.

Anyway about mid day, my husband and me decided we'd go to the beach just to try to celebrate my "B" day. Believe me.....I realize the husband was trying to do something positive, which I appreciate, but it felt like a forced issue.
But before we left the house, I asked my husband, have you talked at all to our neighbor R, as in condolences since he and P were close. My husband said, "no." So I said to husband, "I think we should go next door and talk a bit to him."
So we did. R gave us the complete run down of events. Anyway, I guess she'll be taken care of by the Neptune Society, and the remains w/go to Chicago.

So now my husband and me went to the beach, it was a nice day-weather wise, anyway. Later, we met w/my sister, her beaux, and we went to dinner.
I was completely exhausted, and hit the bed at 10:30 last night.

Dazed & Confused,
Margeaux

Margeaux (((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))) I am sorry about this loss. What a tough experience for you. Men generally do not acknowledge/feel the same emotions as women and tend to have difficulty understanding how women react. I am glad you went to the beach, and had dinner out. I expect you will feel this for some time. Take it easy and give yourself space to feel the feelings.

Some great discussion here recently. I am still quite tired from the flu and gut reactions to same. but thankful it wasn't worse. My dil has pneumonia. I will get my thyroid tested today. Across the street there are hardly any leaves left on the trees, but my mountain ash by the house has lovely red berries and golden leaves. Hope today there is some blue in the sky and I can snap the contrast.

Thinking of all of you - hope to post more soon.

Funny, I just signed on to this and this seems to be the most active place. I just left my 81 yr old moms place where she cussed me out then kicked me out. I'm just trying to do the right things for her. She's handicapped, beat cancer this year and wearing a diaper all the time now. She's always been a very bitter, even hateful person, but her words still hurt.

Welcome Paula - (((((((hugs))))) people here have difficult families - often the person they care give which makes the difficult job many times more difficult. Do you have somewhere to go? yes, their words still hurt - even after years of it. Many of us have found that our parent is their own worst enemy and want to blame others on their misfortunes. Others have difficult siblings - not helpful or openly critical. Tell us more about your circumstances when you are ready to and vent, vent, vent. It helps.

Emjo,

Thank you so much. It was so sad especially the way this woman met her end.
Apparently, from what I heard from R, probably time of death could have occurred on Monday, or Tuesday. She was found Thurs., so Im sure you can imagine.

Yes, I know that some men don't deal well with the emotional areas.
That it was my birthday yesterday didn't help the tone of the day at all.
I was being given the birthday attentions, but I wasn't in to it I discovered as the day progressed. Now I don't want to sound unappreciative towards that end by both my sister and husband. But yesterday.....I really could have just appreciated a warm hug, namely by the husband in some low moments yesterday. Oh well!
Instead, if I was beginning to express anything I felt in the situation.....by my husband downplaying it, I felt kind of like my feelings weren't being validated, and really ignored.

May P's spirit soar very high,
and may she have ultimate peace,

Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Wish I could give you a hug in person, Margeaux. I do understand that you need your feelings validated. G is not a whole lot better. Men want to fix things and you cannot fix something like that so they move on to what they can fix - like doing something for your b'day. It really is a very sad scene thinking of P's last days and her dying alone. More ((((((((hugs)))))))). Loo after yourself -do something good for you! Much love Joan

that's "Look" after yourself lol

I’ll try to catch up a bit.
Cmag – hope there has not been any fall out from step dad and bro. Also hope things are going as well as possible for you
Glad –letting the police know that your mum can get aggressive sounds like a good idea. Good news about caregiver survival
Alison – nice to see y9u posting – I understand about not posting when you are dealing with a lot. I tend to withdraw to draw on inner resources. Glad you still feel connected. I am also glad you are thinking ahead for an end to the caregiving. Re your younger bro – just because you are kind to someone does not mean they will return the favour – hard lesson to learn. So often it seems, in dys fun families, sibs and/or parents don’t “get it”. People on the internet –as here –know more about my health than my family does. Sometimes it takes a crisis e.g. mold to get us moving in a better direction. Some of us are “givers” and tend to give too much and end up hurting ourselves. Looking after self is another life lesson that is not easy to learn. What about the concepts of loving yourself as well as you love others, caring for yourself a well as you care for others, giving to yourself as much as you give to others? You know, Alison, allowing yourself to be crazy dramatic once in a while may not be a bad thing. Others do!!! Do you have some ideas for your non caregiving future? One of my goals is to reduce chaos and crisis. G likes to spring surprises on people – like a surprise vacation. I told him “Never do that to me as the answer will be “No”. I have had enough surprises to last my lifetime.” So we plan together. And re relationships intact with the family - that takes two. If they do not put some work into it, you cannot make it happen alone. Glad you are more comfortable dealing with your mum. That’s BIG!!! ((((((hugs))))
Twentanon – you do have a lot of health issues but seem to manage well and in a good frame of mind all considered. Well done! Endometriosis is not fun
Sharyn - High blood pressure is definitely one of the risk factors for stroke. Here are the top ones from the Mayo Clinic site - high blood pressure, cigarette smoking or exposure to second hand smoke, high cholesterol , diabetes, being overweight or obese, physical inactivity . That is not to say that all people who get strokes fit those criteria, but people with those issues have a much higher change of a stroke, I don’t think you have a PD at all, though your sis may. The recent conversations about home life are so familiar to me. I too was/am the one who stood up to mother from early on. I think it is heathier –otherwise you join the craziness. BPD does seem to fit your mum –and as you say narcissism is there too. Somehow I don’t see you going into a deep depression. My dad drank too, but I had a good relationship with him. He was my nurturing parent and I probably had a substitute spouse relationship with him. Confusing!!! Please don’t regret – you did the well considering the circumstances.
Zoolife – you are doing such a good job for your parents and with no thanks. I know it is hard. I think you are wise to let it all go once you have found them a place. Keep us updated.
book – you are a real trooper and fighter.
Getn -as you say, everything resonates so much. You are so right that when you grow up with a BPD there is no healthy way of dealing with relationships. My failed marriages (2) were very related to my family’s dysfunction – not that I don’t accept that I made some bad decisions. I had great difficulty dealing frustrations, and with expressing my feelings and needs and negotiating to get them met. With sig other, I knew I had to face this and succeed with it or we would not survive, and with a lot of work on both our parts –he has his issues too - we are doing OK. My kids have been affected as well, and we have worked through a lot of that, but it is difficult with my daughter as she has many characteristics of a PD and narcissism too. Yeah it is a “rest of our lives” work recovering and getting healthier, and caregiving someone who is nasty to you is very, very difficult.
Sad – so glad the reception went well, “Children of the Self Absorbed” sounds worth reading. Do let us know who your therapy is going. We all have things to learn still. Interesting that your daughter doesn’t see the narcissistic behaviours. Does she have some herself?
Booked time to see mother and do dinner theatre with G in a couple of weeks. Also booked our flights to Toronto for his meetings and a few days after for holidays. Next week I start some major dental work –finally. Better get going to my thyroid lab test. I have been feeling cold and tired too often. Maybe it is off –would be an easy fix.
Hi to anyone I have missed. Take care all Love and hugs Joan

Margeaux~ Big Hugs to you...I am sorry for your loss. My husband would have reacted like your's did. It makes it hard when they don't validate our feelings or at least give us a hug even if they don't understand. Take time for yourself right now and maybe in a couple weeks you and hubby can go on a day trip.

Hugs to you Margeaux!!

I have also worked really hard - mostly with my daughter to not have the same relationship I had/have with my mother. My father was also an enabler - however he loved me - unfortunately only tolerated my brother- who is pretty messed up. My counselor said between my father's love and my sense of humor - it helped me not fall in the trap of my mother. I was also lucky that my 2nd husband had been pretty well trained in college (high school teacher) in psychology - that he got some of my dysfunction - and dealt with it in a positive way. My first husband - another alcoholic like my mother.

It is hard work - I think also hard figuring it out at such a late part of our lives. I think that growing up - it was our normal - which sucked. I would see other moms and wish my mom had been like that. Still makes me sad (thus the name! hahah). I can remember in high school - my mother insisted on having a house in Santa Cruz - moved us 3 hours from where I grew up (I know - living in SC is not a terrible thing) but I just wanted to finish high school - her response was her life was almost over and mine was just beginning - she never understood how hard it was on the family - my dad had to commute 3 1/2 hours each way until he did something different. I never understood why he would always cave in to her demands. He was just too weak of a man and it wore him out - died at 77.

Well - I am so thankful that there are all of you to exchange ideas & experiences - no one really does understand unless they are raised by a parent such as these. The selfishness is beyond comprehension. And like you sharyn & getnstronger - I can't just walk away from the situation - couldn't sleep at night - yet - haven't seen my mom since I wrote the letter and the nightmare dentist visit - and not really ready to go back for a while yet. Feel like I need to do some reading & counseling before - so I don't react to her BS. ugh. I know that you all agree with getnstronger - to grieve the loss of a normal childhood. Thank goodness we were strong enough to be better parents to our children.