The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Question

The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Follow

Share

34K Comments

Newest
First Oldest
First

143 144 145 146 147

Recent Questions

Related Questions

How do I deal with an emotionally needy mother who wants all of my time and attention?
I get so angry with my 88-year-old mom sometimes and find myself getting resentful to her and not treating her very good. How can I deal?
How do I deal with being "cut" from the family?
My sole mate is sole care taker of both parents. Where do I find help dealing with this?

Start a Discussion

S sharynmarie Oct 2013 · Answer 1 · 2013-10-24T17:39:31.000-0400

My mothers only other living sibling passed away Sept. 30th. She was the third sibling of 8 to develop Alzheimer's. My mother is the 4th. I my sister and I decided not to tell our mother about her sister. Simply because she would ask over and over again. Why put her through the grieving process over and over. Sometimes my mother thinks I or my sister is her sister. I don't correct her...she does not understand so why cause her additional stress? This is just my opinion...Hugs to you and on what you decide.

G gladimhere Oct 2013 · Answer 2 · 2013-10-24T18:22:30.000-0400

Sharyn-
I have planned on doing the same thing. When mom's husband passes, I will not tell her, we will go to the service, then I will not remind her any longer. Why in the world would I want to put her through that grief over and over again.

With her parents it is much more difficult because of the way she asks. She knows somewhere in her brain that they are gone. If I tell her that she just talked with her mom a few days ago, then she will ask "oh, is she still alive?" Quite odd, I then tell her that she passed 12 years ago, at 101, and it was time.

S sharynmarie Oct 2013 · Answer 3 · 2013-10-24T20:37:21.000-0400

Glad~That is a wise decision. Good for you in deciding this. Many may feel they owe it their parent to be truthful but if the parent is not of sound mind why put them through it just so we feel we were truthful to them. Everyone has their own opinion and we do what we can live with.

J jujubean Oct 2013 · Answer 4 · 2013-10-24T22:08:53.000-0400

I was so grateful that mom's dementia lessened the heartbreak of losing dad...she rarely asks for him except on these rare days 1-3 days a year where she does go back in time, way back, then I do just go along with her and tell her I called and checked on him, he is tied up at the office and will be home later. first couple times I did say he has passed away and yes that was disturbing to her, so why! I did feel initially that the truth was always better but not in these cases I believe, as long as a white lie is used for good not bad!!!
Well...I received a letter, not to long ago, stating my financial status (food stamp program recipient) now qualifies me for the state health insurance program at the first of the year, I am excited about that and being able to take better care of myself....I just scanned it but it said therapy, eye and dental care could be included....those three are much needed right now as well as getting check up female and other health issues under control!
I never thought I would be so excited about therapy till I became a Caregiver!!!

B bookluvr Oct 2013 · Answer 5 · 2013-10-25T08:32:00.000-0400

I know what you mean, Juju. I have absolutely sworn off therapy. Then I had my full time job and taking care of 2 bedridden parents. And I was just overwhelmed with everything -stress,anger, exhaustion,etc... well...still struggling with therapy but it's not as bad as the beginning - fighting against it vigorously...It's only 1025pm, and I am just soooo tired. I'm beginning to feel like I used to be before mom passed away. That kind of exhaustion. Dizziness, loss of balance, etc... I go now. Shower and maybe just read a relaxing book that has nothing to do with dementia or caregiving or finding myself.

Before I go, I just wanted to say that I'm taking an online free course on dementia. I am sooo behind on it... But, I am learning a lot of stuff that is helping me to deal with father. Yes, I watched Teepa's videos. Yes, I read here on AC what to expect and to set boundaries, etc... But I don't know HOW to do this. Anyway, as I take this course, I'm learning to Understand father Intectually. I'm nerdy, bookish - I'm finally understanding what dementia does to people. I find myself treating father nicer. I struggle with emotions. But reading something online from John Hopkins is very helpful for me. Therapy will deal with the emotional side of me. While this online course will help me intellectually to Understand what is happening to father. And I don't have to react to him emotionally. boy am i tired.....

S sharynmarie Oct 2013 · Answer 6 · 2013-10-25T16:49:53.000-0400

My daily adventure. I saw some pillows I wanted on Pier 1 Imports web site. I went there this morning to see if they still had them. They didn't but the Modesto store did. I had them call Modesto to hold 2 of these pillows (on clearance). The pillows are perfect in color for my office...purple flowers with a light tan background. I was very excited!!!

I drive to Modesto, pull into the shopping center parking lot...I took the turn a little to wide, hit the curb with my right front tire blowing it out on impact. I pull in to a parking space. I have my priorities so I went into Pier 1 Imports to buy my pillows!!! Then I called triple A to come change my tire for me, LOL!!!

I don't know now if the pillows even on clearance were worth the drive...all I care is that I am back home and I got my vacation pay so everything is caught it...hmmm, LOL!!

M Margeaux Oct 2013 · Answer 7 · 2013-10-25T20:55:20.000-0400

Gladimhere,

When mother's sister died, on account of how close they used to be, and lived together of course mom went to the funeral. She's 92 w/ALZ. She initially would ask about her sister, or remember her passing. That's been almost going on close to 2 yrs., now. We noticed she was depressed several mos. after her passing, but now she hardly brings it up at all. Oh, and my dad's passing which was now 12 yrs., ago she never talks about him at all. But even when she still had her memory, we noticed she'd hardly mention dad. We thought this was rather weird. But oh well, that's our mother......has always been really disconnected from feelings to begin with.

Yes, I really think it serves no purpose to tell them. A couple of relatives from her generation have passed in the last year, and we saw no reason to tell her, she hardly had seen either of them in an awfully long, long time.

I'm so sorry about your financial issues you are experiencing right now, too.
You're in my thoughts Glad!

Much Love & Light! Margeaux

M Margeaux Oct 2013 · Answer 8 · 2013-10-25T21:08:18.000-0400

Juju,

It's good to hear from you, I was wondering about you.
Congratulations about qualifying for the state program.
Now you can at least have access to medical. This is really good news.
Your last sentence made me laugh, that you never thought you'd look forward to therapy.

How is your mother these days?

Much Love & Light! Margeaux

G golden23 Oct 2013 · Answer 9 · 2013-10-25T22:35:23.000-0400

Sad tonight - just found out that a gal I worked with at the college for years and years and her husband died in a single car accident on Wednesday. It went into the ditch and rolled over, Life can be snuffed out in a minute. I worry about G on the highway so much and driving when he is tired. Fortunately he stops for naps when he gets sleepy, but there are many bad drivers - accidents waiting to happen. I wonder if there will be a service here. As far as I know they have no family close by. Called a mutual friend who used to teach with us - she was shocked...

G gladimhere Oct 2013 · Answer 10 · 2013-10-26T00:35:20.000-0400

Thanks, Margeaux and Sharyn.

it has been a he'll of a day. Moms sister was here a good part of it which was quite stressful. Went through some of the selfish sib stuff with her. She has so easily manipulated by sisters, just incredible. My kids are all over 29 years old, auntie dearest was told by the professional counselor sis that I will not allow them to see her. REALLY? All are married, have their own homes, etc. I have told them that if sister is invited to a function I will not be there, but have also told them if they want to see her, fine, just don't share it with me. Lots of talk related to POA sis that has lied about so much. She is about to be caught, and it won't be pretty. Just desserts.

S sharynmarie Oct 2013 · Answer 11 · 2013-10-26T00:53:40.000-0400

Joan~I am sorry for the loss of your friend. You know, I thought the same thing today about how quickly life can be lost by a bad judgement like I did today. I tried to make light of it because I went for the pillows and I was on a mission, not speeding...but so quickly something can happen. I hope you can go to the funeral service.

Last week my niece ended up in a ditch too. She was lucky but she was using her cell phone. She is old enough to know better but people still do it. I have to replace a tire, you can't replace a life.

Hugs to you, such a sad thing to happen!

1 195Austin Oct 2013 · Answer 12 · 2013-10-26T09:23:05.000-0400

Joan I am so sorry about the death of your friend-I hope there will be a service-when my neighbor died her husband did not have any kind of a service that we know of-so her friends held a memorial service last summer in our little town park over looking our lake-we really need a way to say goodby to our friends.

M Madeaa Oct 2013 · Answer 13 · 2013-10-26T10:18:40.000-0400

Sad to hear Joan about your friends. You are so right, we don't know the minute or the hour, that is why it is so important to live here and now, today, yesterday is gone and history, today is a gift, hence "the present" and tomorrow is not promised to anyone.

G gladimhere Oct 2013 · Answer 14 · 2013-10-26T10:27:56.000-0400

Joan-
Very sorry to hear about your friends. It is always such a shock to lose someone suddenly this way.

M Margeaux Oct 2013 · Answer 15 · 2013-10-26T10:57:17.000-0400

Emjo,

I am so sorry to hear about your friends.
After the death of the woman, week ago here.....I know there will be no service for her either, at least in our state. Her remains were apparently sent to Chicago, where she was from.

I must check up on our neighbor, R (her friend who found her deceased).
My husband saw him briefly yesterday, and asked him if he was over the shock of that experience, and he told my husband he was not. Understandably so!
I'm not either. So I think some time next week I'll make dinner for the three of us, in a small remembrance of her.

May all their spirits soar very high,

Much Love & Light! Margeaux

M Margeaux Oct 2013 · Answer 16 · 2013-10-26T11:20:38.000-0400

Austin,

I completely agree that we need some form of saying goodbye.
Very thoughtful of your friends

Much Love & Light! Margeaux

M Margeaux Oct 2013 · Answer 17 · 2013-10-26T11:37:30.000-0400

Bornthisway,

Is this a recent diagnosis you received about your mom?
You may want to read up about Dementia. It may help you to understand, what happens to people with the disease. Sure we have the dysfunction going on with other family menbers, and many times w/our sick loved one, but at least you can look at some of this another way also. It does help.

Much Love & Light! Margeaux

S sharynmarie Oct 2013 · Answer 18 · 2013-10-26T13:35:57.000-0400

Danuta~If your mil's two sons have talked with her about how she can't live with them and she still refuses to listen (probably denial of her situation), your husband can contact the Area Agency on Aging and ask for a social worker to visit his mother (hopefully with the 2 sons present), giving your mother options of where she can live. Bringing in an elderly person who has health issues plus is toxic, will wear you out fast plus will not help your husband or bil's health. I t sounds like mil sold the her house just assuming one of her children would take her in without talking it over reasonably with her children. Maybe assisted living would be a good choice. They are many nice places that provide good care. Good luck with this.

M Margeaux Oct 2013 · Answer 19 · 2013-10-27T15:57:23.000-0400

Danuta,

What a predicament. Were her sons ever that close to her?
In any case, even son's as in my family who really aren't that close to such an elderly......given the kind of care especially I would think a 94 yr. old might need,
if they were able to one has to wonder whether they'd really do it. I think that this becomes such the unfair part about assuming that another bunch of women with pick up the slack.

Definitely, as Sharynmarie says, try contacting the Area on Aging, of Departmant of Social Services. Who is DPOA, because really this person should be the one wrangling with this decision. No matter that her two sons are ill, they can at least be involved hopefully in trying to get the care their mother needs. I say, sons shouldn't get off the hook

Believe me, I know there are men out there that even become caregivers, so I don't want to sound as if I'm just making some blanket statements about men.
However, many times too.....as I've witnessed in our family the women somehow more often than not get handed over not only their own mothers, but mil's too.

Much Love & Light! Margeaux

M Margeaux Oct 2013 · Answer 20 · 2013-10-28T12:05:34.000-0400

Hi Everybody,

There's been a pressing issue going on in my mind with the recent passing of my neighbor's death a week and a half ago. It's about the spiritual aspect.
She followed Buddhist philosophy, and I once gave her a ride to a temple about five years ago close to our residence.

Since apparently, as I've mentioned there will be no service for her here, I at least thought people from the Temple she'd belonged to should know, and they could follow their protocol for the passing of one of it's members.

Do any of you think that I'd be stepping over some kind of boundaries here?
I would appreciate any feedback.

Much Love & Light! Margeaux

G gladimhere Oct 2013 · Answer 21 · 2013-10-28T12:16:47.000-0400

Margeaux-
I would definitely contact them. While you don't know if she had been participating recently, they would know. They would probably appreciate knowing.

1 195Austin Oct 2013 · Answer 22 · 2013-10-28T12:21:08.000-0400

I agree -I would let them know about her passing-they may have formed a friendship with her.

G golden23 Oct 2013 · Answer 23 · 2013-10-28T13:04:58.000-0400

I would tell them.

C ChristyHansen Oct 2013 · Answer 24 · 2013-10-28T15:50:27.000-0400

emjo, I send you a big hug. It is VERY difficult being a caregiver for family members who are downright mean and combative. I have been slapped while driving 55 mph on the freeway, berated in restaurants and department stores, and I don't know what else. I don't believe we have to put up with b.s. like that from anybody, even if they are related to us.

C ChristyHansen Oct 2013 · Answer 25 · 2013-10-28T16:12:26.000-0400

bornthisway: You are describing what sounds like bipolar disorder. I thought at one time my mother had it.

C ckaufman2000 Oct 2013 · Answer 26 · 2013-10-28T16:19:47.000-0400

Yes, somebody please address ladeeM's question, "Why is it that most of that generation are narcissistic????" My mother is 88, my father is thankfully dead. I've taken care of my mother at home for 10 years and she can't even say please and thank you. She doesn't understand why this or that is "so hard".

S Stressed52 Oct 2013 · Answer 27 · 2013-10-28T16:36:09.000-0400

I do not know anything about the Buddhist religion, but I think if they were approached or called and told that one of their members passed away and explain that you wanted them to know but you do not know what their protocol or beliefs are... I think they would understand. If they do nothing, at least you did what you thought was right and honored your neighbor in doing so.

S sharynmarie Oct 2013 · Answer 28 · 2013-10-28T18:12:01.000-0400

Margeaux~Informing the temple of your friends passing is a good idea. You have passed the info on to them which I see as being a caring, spiritual person. Hugs to you for thinking of this aspect. HUgs to you MArgeaux!!

M Margeaux Oct 2013 · Answer 29 · 2013-10-28T20:04:29.000-0400

Gladimhere, Austin, Emjo, Raven & Sharynmarie,

Thanks so much for the response to my question.
All right, I will probably do this some time in the next few days.
I just didn't want to be like some nosy neighbor of sorts, but I know the recently departed would appreciate it, and I seriously doubt that this was attended to by anyone else. Thank you to each and every one of you,
A big group hug,.......Oh, that felt fantastic!

Much Love & Light! Margeaux

S sharynmarie Oct 2013 · Answer 30 · 2013-10-28T20:24:12.000-0400

I have to admit that I am struggling with a similar situation as Margeaux regarding a religious community. I may have posted this previously...I am not sure. My mother and I attended a church,..the church I was hurt in and refuse to attend . My mother continued to attend until she could not drive anymore. I offered to take her but she refused. Anyway when my mom was diagnosed as incapacitated, and we placed her in memory care, I contacted a member of the church about my mom's situation. This was back in April of this year.Not a single member of the church has visited my mother. I accept this because my mother nor me were accepted as "authentic members of the church". My sister does not accept this, she wants to send a letter to the church telling them how disappointed she is that they have no interest in our mother.I tell my sister to forget it...any suggestions on this!

The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

34K Comments

Recent Questions

Popular Questions

Related Questions