The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

I would forget the letter to the church to tell them off. Instead, the letter should state the situation and state that your mother would appreciate any visitors. Maybe the message got lost in communication somehow? Most churches have ministries that are more than happy to visit those that are in facilities of any kind. I would be surprised if they consciously would refuse to visit. Was there someone specific at the church that your mother enjoyed spending time with? Do they have a weekly bulletin with prayer requests that would also serve to notify members of the church that may have known your mom?

Thank you gladimhere, but everyone my has known threw this church going back to to the 1960's,hae passed away. The woman I contacted was willing on occasion to drive my mom to church services on occasion. I agree with what said about letting it go,and I told my sister I wanted nothing to do with it if she decided to proceed. Hugs for your answer!!!

sharyn I agree about what your sis wants to do. I would be like you. Even if the people your mum knew have passed, as glad has written, many churches have a ministry of visiting people in institutions. That being said, I cannot say that I have seen a lot of that type of action in any church I attended. However, I think it is worth mentioning to the church office for inclusion in a bulletin, or passing on to a ministry within the church. My mother has burned out a number of people in her church. I gather that has not been a problem for your mum.

Joan~I Have to admit my reservation on this issue is because I dont want to get hurt again by these people. I am afraid that if my sister sends this letter that those who remember me, will think I am behind it. I don't want any retaliations from them, I will pas this on to my sister as she tends to side with me on this type of issue and I want her to make her own decision. Thank you both on this issue, it has bothered me alot. Hufs to you!!

I will think more about this before I tell my sis just so I have more info. I don't it to be based on just how I feel.,

Sharyn- if all your moms friend have passed couldn't you call any church of her denomination, tell then the situation and ask if they would visit her or have a visiting ministry? There must be other service organizations that would visit as well. Does she enjoy young people? Seems like girl scouts, boy scouts, 4H or something would send visitors.

Going back a few days to catch up so this is going to be in segments
Cmag –hope things are unfolding without too much stress from step dad and step bro.
Alison – I think I am seeing the end of this candida bout. I am off the candida meds and all is well –finally. It has been over three years. I did much research too, but the most helpful thing was getting to a specialist who listened to me. I had figured what I needed and she agreed and got it to me, and it worked. My thyroid seems to have settled down though I will get tested again in 5 weeks – in the morning. I think the stress of being ill with flu affected it. The thyroid gland needs iodine to make the hormone. If it works for you, that’s great. The problem with colloidal silver is that is kills all bugs and in the gut you need a balance. The original problem was killing the good bacteria with antibiotics so the candida overgrew. Silver will kill the good bacteria as well as the other bugs and the candida, The specialist said the probiotic in food is best e.g.yogurt, but I am allergic to dairy so I used unpasteurized sauerkraut, ( 3 x a day - with each meal and took probiotic capsules. Then I realised you need to be sure you are eating prebiotics – the foods the good bacteria feed on, so I started eating legumes daily and lentils seemed to be the best for me. I do think they were the last part of the equation for getting me to this point. No meds for a week now. Sorry about the fungal sinus infection. I still have a bit of that. At my suggestion, the specialist had a Nystatin nasal spray compounded by the drug store and it is doing the trick. Other than that I was swabbing my nasal cavities with monistat on a Q tip. Fungal infections make you very tired, I find. Yes it is a battle ((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))) I have not had any antibiotics for over 3 years now and hope to never need any again. Building oneself back up again is the game! I walk –in the malls and stores if it is too cold. We have an exercycle and I should use it more. Eating properly is easier except when I am tired. Gotta get those veggies in. Hope you are feeling better.
Book – sorry that you are exhausted again. Re wigs –you can order them online and measure your head –you don`t have to have a fitting. Rogaine works for some and not for others. The wigs do not come off in a high wind –you can fasten them with wig tape –so I am told. Also was told that synthetic is easier to handle. Hope you are getting lots out of that course. Glad learning about dementia is helping.

to continue...
Sharyn – M may have to run the course before she understands. I think she would be receptive to info, but I have been busy with other things. Energy is coming back – and I have so much catch up to do in the house after being sick for so long!!! I still have stuff from mother to deal with and I want to downsize china etc. It sits behind glass and looks pretty, but is of no value except sentimental and I have trouble letting go of things like that. Aaaargh Glad your niece wasn’t hurt going into the ditch. I see your problem with the church and empathize. Glad has some good suggestions
Margeaux –that girl friend!!! Wouldn`t tell you the name of the shampoo. Oh my goodness. You are right to share less info with her. Your neighbour is a bit strange, I must say. Mother “confides” (bitches) about me to anyone who will listen. It is the “poor me” game and the “done me wrong” song Your sil is a doozie. I am shocked sometimes too by people and can\t think of a comeback. Health is better thanks.
Juju –good to hear from you and that you are back home, Hope all your issues are working out. Happy that you have health insurance now
Pita – how is it going. Nothing wrong with selling your mum`s assets if she is not using them. Then she has money for her care
Jinx –good suggestion!!! The latest is mother’s financial advisor who is questioning me. He is I think, very slowly learning that mother’s complaints do not have much foundation to them
Danuta –the denial these difficult people have amazes me. Mother tells people she has no family to do anything for her. Give me a break! Have you contacted your agency on ageing and/or social services?
chriskrys – the stress of caring for someone who has abused you can be much too much. No it is not fine you are being abused. Walk if you have to. Setting boundaries is really important –and learning to detach. I understand about triangulation very well. My mother has used my sis for that and anyone else she can. She demands that I do something for her then I find out she has asked several other people to do it too, then she goes ahead and does it herself and gets mad at me for interfering etc. No-win type games. Just do what is good for you and distance yourself from the games.

and finally - for now anyway

bornthisway – sounds like your mum needs an evaluation. Siblings can be such trouble! Can you talk with your mum’s doctor about her mood swing? She certainly is still grieving the death of your dad, and that mixed with dementia is difficult. Maybe another med would work.
glad –difficult situation with your mum and her parents. alz is such a hard disease to manage. You have to do what works Your sis is a major PITB! I am glad she is about to get caught re POA. This has been going on a while -too long.
ChristyHansen – thanks for the hug. Sounds like some limits are in order. Last time my mother was really nasty (last Christmas) I told her I would drop POA and cut her off if she kept that up. She hasn’t been directly nasty since. No, we shouldn’t put up with it even if they are related.

Thanks for sympathies everyone. Austin you are right - you need to do something when a friend passes. I didn't once and I have regretted it. I will be away when they have the service, unfortunately, so will have to arrange something with mutual friends. Maybe go out for a meal with a few special people. Too cold to do anything outside now.

Today was not what I had planned –the car battery was dead. There is a slow drain somewhere. Same thing last winter. Son Dave boosted it tonight and I took it out for a run. I hadn’t used it for a few days and that seems to be when it happens –but only in the cold weather. Time for a check up!

Mother’s lawyer asked me about mother not having any control over her bank account – it took about 3 emails, but he gets the picture. She has as much control as she ever has had. All I do is check her statement about once a month. He says he notices a change - that she is getting upset more easily about people. Frankly she always has, but I think she has been pretty well behaved with him most of the time and maybe she has less control now.

Take care all – heading south this weekend for the dinner theatre, to visit friends, and mother and - hear this Alison – getting my eyebrows tattooed next week !!!!! Yay!!! Finally!!!! Love and hugs to everyone

YAY on the eye brows Joan! Let us know and post a picture when you can. I am considering it before mine get more sparse. Have a good weekend!

I tripped over Midget earlier now I am having trouble walking. Nothing serious..a sprain. Should have iced it when it happened.

Yesterday we had a freak dust storm. Our soil here is very sandy....visibility was bad when I got off work.

Glad- great idea about other churches visiting. I admit I am disappointed in this church but not surprised by their actions. I know the Catholic church visits on Fridays and mom was raised Catholic but the woman I talked to at the community said mom could not receive communion from them unless she went to confession.Lol! A person with dementia going to confession?? Mom converted to Episcopalian when she married dad however we do have a Lutheran church here which is very close to Escopalian. I will check.into that to see if they have a ministry visiting facilities.

Sis sent me the name of the disease mom has in her left eye. It sounds like it is caused from have dry eyes...so use those drops!! I also researched dementia and vision problems due to the brain misfiring messages and the wad a study done in the UK about it.

Accidentally postedvtoo soon but have nothing important to just more rambling..good night and have a good weekend everyone!

emjo, thanks for asking how things are going. My lawyer sent my step-dad a letter with a copy of the will on the 16th, but have not heard anything from him. He tried calling my step-brother at the end of last week, but have not heard from him either. Step-dad has a car that was my mother's and mine that needs to pass state inspection in order to have the tags renewed and property tax payed, but my step-brother is dragging his feet about that.

Hi everyone, I've been reading but not really commenting. I stay away from anything religious. All I can say is - If they spent all their lives living according to the Bible or active in their religion, then go for it. Remember this - if someone starts spouting Bible verses, there is No Guaranty that your parent - in their twisted mind (not their fault - it's the dementia) can take that verse and Twist it to fit their situation. ... My father is very good at that - and it doesn't have to be Bible verses.

I wanted to share some videos that I've seen on my online course. I think it may be helpful for some of you. I liked both.... So far, I'm not yet with Alzheimer. But then like the speaker said, even if we had Alzh, we wouldn't know that we forgot the same thing so many times. To us, it's the first time... not the 4th or 5th time. Not very comforting. Maybe best to have a 2nd opinion from a family or friend if you past the test.

I think most of us can really benefit with #2.

1. How do you know if you have Alzheimer?
Google: Hopkins Medicine - Do I have Alzheimer?

2. Learning Not to Argue. (Oh! This is a good one for those of us whose parents are accusing us of stealing, or asking for a dead loved one, etc....)
Google: Hopkins Medicine - Learning Not to Argue.

Sharynmarie,

While your mother attended this congregation, did she make any real friends at this church? I ask this question since our friend who just died, had a lot of mental problems and really was constantly alienating people from herself.
About 8 yrs. ago at the onset of many of her health problems I do know some people from the Buddhist temple came to visit her, one being more of a friend,
but then this friend returned to Japan. Later, a few others would come by, but that quickly stopped. Never did I see someone more official such as a monk.

Anyway, I do understand your position about this matter if you were offended by members of this congregation. It was good that you contacted them. Although,
many people being members of congregations, as I know it, it's encouraged to visit the sick, or for a pastor to visit also to address the spiritual needs of the infirm. However, this is where the real practice comes in and exactly why I don't feel the need to be congregational.

I definitely understand also that you have already made a request, through another member of a church, with no results, so why would you want to pursue this.

Do you think that your sister is really trying to address the spiritual/friendship needs it could provide for your mother, or do you think that your sister just wants to make a bigger issue of this?

I'm just going on how you have shared your sister seems to make big drama about everything concerned with your mom. If you think it's mostly that, then I'm on your side totally. But if your have any other little questions or doubts about it, and it comes more from you, then yes.

Also, not to forget that I think that even if a person has ALZ, DEM., or anything else, if they still ask to talk to someone, especially a pastor, or priest then in this case I would either try contacting them again to try and make it happen.

Well, I'm preparing to do this. I feel a little nervous, so I'm already thinking about what I will say. But you know Sharynmarie, I'm learning that if I really feel uncomfortable about something for whatever reasons they could be, I step way back, and consider not going there at all. When we do things, hopefully it is for genuine reasons.

You're in my thoughts,
Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Margeaux~I understand what you are saying. My sister's reason are that she feels because our mother attended this church all these years, that they should visit, bring her communion. This church is very small, so small in fact it has always struggled to stay afloat. Back in around 2008, the Episcopal Church got a new residing bishop in Washington DC. This Bishop resides over all the Episcopal churches in the US. She changed some things like allowing women to become priests, gays could get married in the church. This caused a split in the church....some stayed Episcopal with the Church of England some left and became Anglican with the Church in South America. This little church lost many members which they still have not recouped that loss. As a result they cannot afford a priest. Instead they have a woman deacon who heads the Sunday service. Because a woman cannot be a priest in the Anglican church, she cannot bless the sacraments for communion, a priest comes once a month and blesses enough for each month. The deacon is the one who does go out to visit nursing homes.

When we moved mom, I contacted the woman who would occasionally take my out to get groceries or she would take my mom to church after she lost her drivers license. This woman said she would let the deacon know that mom was moved to a community. This woman also said (which imo, is ignorance and an excuse), "she probably doesn't remember me anyway." My mom had talked with this woman a week before we moved her. I chose to call this woman simply because she did not attend this church when I was attending. I could have called another couple who, like my mother, have been members since the church started, but I did not want to be in contact with anyone who knew me from when I attended.

My sister feels that because our mother attended all those years, helped to get the church started, that they should at least come and give her communion a couple times a month. Sis is angry that they don't do that. I told her a while back that if she does send a letter to them, to leave me out of it because of the problems I had with them, I want nothing to do with it. The older people my mother would talk with on the phone and while at church, have passed away now. Last woman passed about 1.5 years ago and she and my mom go back to the beginning of the church. They were both pregnant at the same time (my mom was pregnant with me) and the ladies at the church had showers for both of them. This was back when the church was much more friendlier than it is today. The couple I mentioned, the wife was a child at the time the church was getting started.

It is a shame the deacon does not go to give my mom communion. I think my sister doesn't want to create a drama, she just wants them to know that as a church community, they have failed in following through with providing this small gesture to our mother in her last years. Does the church have an obligation to every person who attends weekly services whether or not the person is accepted as a Christian? That is the question here from my point...my sister feels it does not matter because mom helped start the church, she was giving them money (about $400 a year last few years she attended) plus whatever she gave prior. Does that make them obligated?

Margeaux, I think that what you want to do by informing the Temple of your friends death is right. What they chose to do is up to them. I am sure you will find the right words to say. Hugs to you!!

sharyn - hopefully the eyebrows will look like they always do. I hope there will be no change except that I won't have to pencil them on every morning. Be careful around those pets. Toonie lunges past my ankles sometimes - fortunately less and less as we both get older. You raise some very interesting points about the church and its obligations. The church is there to worship God, to build up people and meet their needs, also to teach, and reach out and more. I can't remember - has your mum asked for a visit - for communion? Are there no church services at her ALF? There are where my mother is. My feeling is that meeting your mother's needs is the most important thing, As you say to Margeaux -you can ask, then it is their choice - between them and God what they do about it. Your sis has some anger about it, it seems and concentrating on what the church should do. I feel, theoretically, it is only right that they should, but that doesn't mean they will, and their resources seem to be very limited. No church is perfect, and if it was the minute any of us joined it wouldn't be.
cmag - I do hope you get all the estate matters settled sooner rather than later. This must be anxiety provoking.
book -learning not to argue is a great one and important for PD and narcissism as well as alz.
margeaux -I understand about the nervous feelings, trusting your gut and stepping back and reconsidering. There are times when I have what I call a hesitation in my spirit about doing something that I thought was a good thing, so then I follow that feeling. I have always found out later that there was a good reason for the feeling and for hesitating. Sometimes it is a matter of timing and I know when the time is right, and sometimes it is something I "shouldn't" do at all. Sometimes it is something that I don't particularly want to do but I "must". There is a lot more going on in this world than we are fully aware of.

Have a good day everyone, My man is home tonight yay! Been missing him a bit. Tired today. I guess still fighting the remains of the infection, but so thankful to have gotten this far, Going to fire up the old chariot and hope it starts! love and hugs

Sharynmarie,

Great post! Hey, listen.......the description, the wording about your sister I notice the word "should." This kind of being an operative word, sure we all may feel as if things should be a certain way because your mom paid her dues, participating in the congregation. Unfortunately, we all know that many times especially today,
"should," could become, "could." It sounds as if there are cut backs here regarding the people who are authorized to give you mom communion. This to me almost has become a metaphor of sorts in this situation. Think about it. Communion means coming together. But the reality is none of this is happening, hence Communion really is symbology here. Forgive me if it sounds as if I'm rambling on here.

However, I think that your mom is doing fine in her new community, communing with the people there. You have your very personal and legitimate reasons why you don't want to get involved in further pursuing the issue. I don't blame you a bit for not wanting to become of sister's demands.

Maybe if your mom asks for it on a spiritual end, you may want to get her some nice pictures of something like angels, fairies......maybe the imagery would be good for her. It can be something you feel she was drawn to in the past connected to the church. Just an idea.

Thanks, I think for you too, you already informed. So the balls in their court and if they don't respond, really not much you can do about that, unfortunately. But the good thing about looking at it this way too, is we are not attached to an outcome.
Hence you've taken an objective approach, rather than a subjective approach, as she's trying to force a deliberate outcome. Control!

Hugs to you also,
Much Love & Light!
Margeaux

Joan~I laughed at your comment "No church is perfect, and if it was the minute any of us joined it wouldn't be." This very true.

Margeaux~Yes communion is symbolic. "Do this in remembrance of Me." Many or all non denominational churches do not have communion. Mom has not asked about the church lately. I have some fear that if my sister sent this letter, those involved in ministries who know me, will still think I had something to do with it...maybe just my paranoia, idk. Yes, they have been told and it is their dealing with GOD not me or sis. Mom never was involved in spiritual growth classes...she refused to go. She even told some people there that she would not attend meetings if they were going to have a short bible study before the meeting. LOL!!
This is why I say my sister needs to let it go. Mom does have a few pictures at home we could put up that would make her feel she is connected.

Sharyn-
Yup, confession would be very interesting for someone with dementia. I would think a book could be written, imaging the stories they would tell! I barely remember the show "Kids Say the Darnest Things" and they sure did! So the sequel could be titled "Those with Dementia Say the Darnest Things! I think Art Linkletter hosted it? LOL!

Caregiving in a dysfunctional situation is like dealing with an angry tiger. You had better be damn well trained and be able to run around a little bit - otherwise don't open up the cage door at all and let someone else do it.

Hugs to All,
"Tired of Running Around" LOL

Hi hawk - for me the cage door has been open since birth. Mother has been demanding all along. And I have kept distance but done what I thought was necessary/reasonable. Are you still living with your father? I could never live under the same roof as my mother - she has borderline personality disorder and is narcissistic, and I am the "servant" child. I have a hard time visiting her because of the negativity and demands. I do hope you are looking after you in all of this. Others can look after your dad. My mother is in assisted living and will go to a facility with more care if needed, or she will hire someone to come in and care for her if needed. She has home care 4x a day for help with dressing etc and meals. You don't have to cater to all your dad's whims, just see that his needs are met. When mother gets mad, I walk away or hang up the phone. If she gets angry I will not stay in her presence and I have told her if she gets verbally/emotionally abusive, I will not visit, You have to set boundaries to protect yourself. My mother would keep me busy every day doing things for her if I allowed it, but I don't. Again - take care of you!!!! ((((((((((((hugs))))))))))

Today has been a good day. Got lots done and hubby is up and soon I will put him in Hoyer lift back into hospital bed for the night. Some days he is cordual and others ready to roll out the door in his wheelchair to get a divorce. Those times prey on my nerves. He will go 3 weeks and all is fine then the 1 week gets me emotionally down. Just need to be in touch with like people. Being a care giver is tough.

Your statement about not being an "authentic member of the church," makes me wonder about how we all do treat people who attend our churches but do not necessarily ever "join" them. Normally if a person is a member, the pastor and others withing the church get to know you, if you come to church as a visitor that bond is never really formed unless you attend for a number of years and get involved with classes or Women's Organizations.

I kind of think it might be okay to write a kind letter to the church and let them know that your mother attended their church faithfully for x number of years and although she was never a member, she felt closer to God when she attended. Then I might add that you called and informed them of her death, but you were saddened by the fact that although you mother felt close to them, no one from the church took the time to even drop by or send a card of condolences at a time that was very difficult for your family.

I think you should be kind about what you say, but let them know that in the future it might be nice to follow up with families who have lost a family member.

Sometimes churches and their members lose sight of what they should be doing or what they stand for in the sight of others and perhaps if you sent them a nice card or note, it might make them take a closer look at their ministry and ask themselves..."What Would Jesus Do?"

Best Wishes to You and Your Family

how am i doing today??
as hard as it was to keep quiet and hold back from telling my gma what i really wanted to say, i sucked it up and took her out to lunch. i think i'm doing pretty good today.

Raven~Thank you for responding. Just to let you know, my mom has not passed away, she has been placed in memory care. I agree with you that if my sister does write a letter it should not be one stating that they neglected my mother, but one that says....my mother's name, how long she attended, that she was on the Altar Guild for so many years, served as treasurer, and she is now living at such and such and would appreciate a visit from time to time, receive communion. If you could make that happen for our mother we would appreciate it. I thank you for making me think about it in a different way instead of telling them they have let our mother down. This something I will pass on to my sister instead of telling to just write the letter. Of course if they still do not respond, I will also let my sister know that she can't control the outcome and not follow up any further. At that point we have done what we could for mom and if they chose not to go...then so be it. I will let you know what happens. Hugs!!

I basically sent this to my sister...what do you all think?

Dear Deacon Lee,

My mother____________, attended St.___________________for about 23 years. She helped before the church was built and services were being held at ______. She serviced as treasurer, serviced on the Altar Guild, and while not a member, she felt much closer to God when attending services and receiving communion.

My mother has Alzheimer's Disease. She is longer living at home, she is living at __________ and she remembers going to church, receiving communion. She would love to have communion a couple times a month, do you think you could provide this for her during this time in her life? Our family would be most appreciative if you could.

Sincerely,

sharyn, I like your letter. Keep to the task at hand. Help your mother to get what she needs without alienating them. Who knows how they might be able to help you mom down the road. What we need is another matter completely.

I think your letter is excellent, sharyn. I hope your sis can set her anger aside and go along with it.
I more and more think your sis has some of what your mum has, or maybe it is learned behaviour. The "shoulds' are heavy with mother - the way it should be ore not the way it should be. She can get very worked up about these things and it often alienates people, I find myself falling into that frame of mind once in a while and have to correct myself. When you grow up with it and have it drilled into your head time and time again, some of it sticks, even if it is not your nature. sigh - all part of the challenges...

time4me - glad you had a good day. Being a caregiver is tough. Could your husband have depression? he has a lot of health issues. maybe some meds would help. his frame of mind.

gmaandsam - hope you had a great lunch with your gma. Funny how those of us who are the "black shepp" are the ones who do the care giving

(((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))) to both of you